Project: Beginings
“Time to get up.”
The dog kicked my stomach making me groan before getting up. I walked out with the other slaves onto the stage where the horses, dogs, griffons, and other assorted creatures would buy us. I tuned it all out as I remembered only ten years ago being a lazy teenager sitting on my couch. I’m not entirely sure what happened but apparently some dogs from another world found out how to take us humans from ours. Regardless of how it happened I've spent ten years mining for gems and only recently have I started passing out from being overworked. I was shoved forward and a purple unicorn used magic to take hold of my restraints, “You’re going to be my new assistant alright?”
I nodded keeping a dark glare. I shuffled forward in my chains and gave one last look to my old master before the mare lead me into a carriage. I was led in and sat opposite of the purple mare. “I am Twilight Sparkle personal student of princess Celestia.”
All I gave in response was a cold stare. “Ahem, so may I ask your name?”
“The old slavers just called me Cold.”
“Do you know why?”
“Because of my eyes.”
I saw her shiver as she looked into my icy blue eyes. “Yes well, since I bought you I will be taking care of you. Is there anything you are allergic to?”
“Apples.”
“I see, and humans are omnivores correct?”
“Yes, we can survive for short periods without meat though. We just get less active.”
“So since my old assistant left to be with his own kind you will be responsible for several things around my home.”
“You bought me to be a house slave?”
“Well yes, is that a problem?”
“It may be, I might crush some things before I learn to control my strength.”
The muscles in my arm tensed as I looked out the window to see creatures from all walks of life going about their days without a care in the world. Not another word was said until several hours later when the carriage stopped, “Well here we are, welcome to Ponyville.”
I stepped out into the painfully bright town and followed my new master to a large tree. When we got inside she retrieved some papers out of her saddlebags and started speaking out loud,
“Name: Cold. Slave number: 109801-87dawg. Height: 6’4. Weight: 200 lbs. Skin color: white. Age: early twenties. Hair color: snow. Eye color: ice. Does not react well to physical punishment if at all possible use only magical. What does that mean?”
“I killed the last thing that whipped me.”
“Why did you do that!?”
“I was new, I still had pride. You heard about a revolt in the mines ten years ago correct?”
“You were there?”
“My best friend started it.”
“What happened?”
“He died, friends died, I almost died.”
“Well it was your own fault for hurting somepony.”
I kept my mouth shut but my stare intensified until I was all out glaring. She nervously looked back to her papers and nodded, “Well I will show you what you are to do around here.”
I spent the rest of the day going over a list and true to my word I did crush several small gemstones and other items in my hands before I learned restraint. When the day was over I was showed to a bed, not a pile of hay but a bed. “You sleep down here, my bedroom is on the second floor and don’t touch any of the machinery down here. Understood?”
“Yes mistress.”
She left me be and I attempted to sleep on the bed but it proved too soft, I was used to the stone floors of the mines. When I woke up I was on the wooden floor and master was coming down the stairs, “Time to get up Cold, there’s someone I want you to meet.”
I stood and followed her up the stairs. When we got into the main room I saw a white unicorn and a beautiful girl behind the mare. I thought she was the most stunning creature I had ever seen but I kept my outside reaction to simply giving her a glance. “Cold, this is Rarity and her human Sarah.”
I nodded but remained silent. “Rarity has offered to make you some clothes, isn’t that nice?”
I twisted my neck making it crack before responding, “That’s one way to put it.”
“Twilight dear, you didn’t tell me he was so rough.”
“Well I’ve only known him for a day.”
“And he’s simply filthy! Where in Equestria did he come from!?”
“I bought him in Canterlot from a diamond dog. Isn’t that right?”
“Yes.”
“Not one for conversation are you?”
“No.”
“Does that mean you are or you aren’t?”
“Not with ponies.”
“And what’s wrong with ponies?”
“Only ask if you’re ready to be insulted.”
“Where do you get the gall to speak to me like that!?”
My eye twitched as I took a deep breath, “I am sorry if I insulted you ma’am.”
“That’s better, now I’d like you to meet my human Sarah. Say hello Sarah.”
She took a step forward and bowed, “Hello sir.”
“Hi.”
She stood there awkwardly until I was nudged, “Be nice to her.”
I looked down at my master and stared at her, “I am.”
“That’s what you call being nice?”
“Yes.”
“Well you need to work on it.”
“If that is your order master.”
I walked over to the girl and bowed, “I am incredibly pleased to meet your acquaintance lady Sarah and might I say you look simply ravishing.”
My voice was still rough but it held small threads of kindness that did not go undetected. I straightened out and regarded my master with a cold stare, “Was that to your satisfaction?”
She simply stared at me for a moment before responding, “Where did you learn such manners?”
“It was part of my conditioning.”
She accepted this answer and told me to do whatever Rarity told me to. I followed the white mare and the girl back to a round building. After we walked in Rarity took some measurements and left me alone with Sarah. She fiddled with her thumbs a bit before talking, “So you belonged to a diamond dog before you came here?”
“A couple of times yes.”
“Oh, so what’s your real name?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Ah.”
I looked down and saw a familiar book. It took a moment but I cleared my throat, “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and fritzes hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”
“That was beautiful.”
I looked up and saw Rarity walk back in, “Where did you learn those lines?”
“Before I was a slave, I aspired to be an actor.”
I put the book down and just disconnected. I only responded with a dull tone and did things I was told to do with a bit of hesitance. I still had a small light in me, and that was enough for now. Days passed, then weeks, months, until a year had gone by. “Cold could you hand me that book?”
“Yes master.”
I looked at the small book and shook my head, my dormant anger rising to new levels. “Are you okay Cold?”
I turned around and glared as hard as i could, “Yes, mistress.”
“Oh my, Cold are you feeling alright?”
I clenched my teeth and nodded, “Yes, mistress.”
I was holding the book so tightly that the hard cover literally shattered in my grip.
Mistress gasped and rushed over to look at the book, "Oh no, bad Cold that is not an alright thing to do!"
She smacked me with a small bat she had on the counter and I could see the veins in my arms rise from my anger. I felt my eye twitch as she sighed, "You need to be more careful Cold, especially now that Rarity wants to breed Sarah. If you're not careful you won't get near her."
I looked down over to the bat she had put on a table as she walked away and grabbed it nearly breaking it in my grip. I walked up behind my mistress and raised the bat, "You think I would ever let my children grow up in a world where they could only be slaves?"
I brought the bat down just as mistress turned around and her eyes went wide. The blow hit her horn directly cracking it and knocking her out. I carried her upstairs and put the covers over her to make it seem like she was just asleep. i grabbed the bag of bits she always had around for emergencies and walked out of the door bumping into miss Applejack, "My apologies miss Applejack."
I helped her up and tried to walk past her but she stopped me, "Now hold up, is Twilight here?"
i turned around and nodded, "She is but is currently sleeping. She spent a long time reading the new shipment of books last night and is paying for it now. I'm just off to get some materials for her research."
Miss Applejack nodded and looked at the library, "Yeah that sounds like Twilight. Well i'm going into the market so why don't you help me with some shopping?"
every fiber of my being was telling me to say no but if I did It would make Miss Applejack suspicious. She probably already was what with her being a lie detector. So I walked and carried things like a good little slave and managed to buy some of the things I needed without suspicion, the most vital was food. After the shopping was done I carried the groceries to the farm where the Apple family lived and helped put away the food. I was about to leave when Miss Applebloom blocked my path, "Ooh, cutie mark crusaders human trainers!"
My anger spiked again as the three fillies tried to rope me into playing with them it rose to the point just to scare them I punched a tree cracking its bark and making my fist bleed, “Oh my, it seems my fist is bleeding. I better get back and put some bandages on my fist.”
They just stared as I walked away. I got out of sight as quickly as possible and headed into the everfree. I went as far as I could into the forest knowing I could just walk back in a straight line. Twilight would be up by now and was probably either really confused or angry. Probably both. I set up a small camp in a cave and hunkered down to get some sleep. I didn’t dare get too comfy lest Twilight came looking for me. My paranoia paid off as I heard voices, “He couldn’t have gotten too far Twilight, and these tracks don’t lie.”
I slowed my breathing and slowly stalked off. I was ten feet away when they found my cave, “He was here! And look the fire is still going; he’s probably out looking for firewood.”
I tiptoed away until I was sure I was out of hearing distance and ran, I ran right into a manticore. The beast turned from its meal and growled at me. I backed up a few feet before it roared, crap they were sure to hear that. The beast lunged at me but I ducked and slammed my shoulder into its stomach. It dry heaved a couple times before throwing up its breakfast. I jumped onto its back to grab its tail and put the point right next to its neck. Its eyes grew small and just as I was going to end it I heard Twilight’s voice, “Oh I hope he isn’t hurt.”
I slid off the manticore’s back leaving it confused and put its prey in its mouth making sure there was lots of blood on the ground.
“Go.” I whispered.
The beast understood and ran off. I scurried up a tree just in time for Twilight and the other elements of harmony to arrive. “Oh no, Cold! Look at all this blood.”
She fell onto the ground sobbing making her friends get near the blood to comfort her. “It’s alright Sugarcube; he’s in a better place now. Up in the sky with all the ponies he cares about.”
Now I didn't like any pony but I couldn't just watch my old master lay there crying. I sighed and spoke up, “I’m not dead.”
I let them take one look at me before jumping away onto another tree. I jumped for hours before I couldn’t take it anymore and shimmied down and found a new cave. The second I walked in a manticore stepped into my path. The moment it got a good look at me it shrank back submissively. I scratched it behind the ear putting it at ease and collapsed in the cave. I woke up alive, which was a good sign. I slowly got up stretching my muscles and looked around. The cave was bare save for a few pieces of flint. I gathered some wood and lit a fire deciding my next move; I had to get some meat eventually. As soon as that thought hit my noggin the manticore came back with a dead deer. It was wary of the fire but dropped the deer next to me. I smiled and scratched it behind the ears again. I took some sharp rocks and cut off a leg. I roasted it for about an hour and a half before it was cooked enough to be edible. I motioned for the manticore to take the rest of the deer which it did happily. After we had finished I sat down and rested, the manticore stayed near the mouth of the cave watching for something. After another night of resting I heard Applejack, “Twilight, if we don’t find him today we have to go back. Our supplies are running out and we all have things we need to do.”
“But Cold must be so scared!”
“Ah think he can take care of himself Twi. At least for a while. He’ll come back when he’s good and ready.”
The manticore growled making the voices stop. I took a quick peak and saw the six ponies slowly backing away from the cave. Fluttershy shook for a second before stepping forward, “It’s okay, we aren’t here to take anything from you. We’re just looking for a friend of ours.”
I growled in unison with the manticore, “Friend my ass.”
I jumped out onto the back of the manticore and pointed into the forest. It understood and ran with me on its back. It ran for fifteen minutes before I patted it on its head making it slow down. When it stopped I got off and hugged it, “Thank you, they wanted to take me away.”
I think it purred but it could have been a growl. We walked together for a short time before we found ourselves at Ponyville, I was about to turn around but I saw Sarah running some errands. I looked at the manticore and smiled, “I’ll be right back.”
I sneaked by some of the buildings making sure Sarah saw me. When I got to the last alley of the street she was already there, “Where have you been! Miss Rarity went after you!”
I looked around making sure there weren’t any ponies around, “I ran, I’m in the Everfree. I’m going to get more humans, more manticores. Timber wolves, hydras, anything that can fight.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I trust you. And I know you won’t betray me. Or at least I hope so. I need your help. Anyone who can fight, whoever wants to be free. The ponies think we’re complacent, happy being slaves. Their ignorance will be their downfall.”
“I, I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright, I knew it was a long shot. I’ll figure it out myself. Promise you won’t rat me out?”
“I promise.”
“Pinkie promise?”
She hesitated for a second but took a look at my shackles and nodded, “Cross my heart hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye.”
I hugged her and made a dash for the forest. When I got there I was panting and smiling, “You know, I think I should call you by a name. Do you have one?”
The manticore shook its head. “Well how about, Peter?”
The manticore cocked its head. “What? Peter is a perfectly good name.”
Peter shrugged and let me get on his back. “We need to sleep close to town, tomorrow we’re starting project uprising.”
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Interesting concept. But my advice: slow down. Don't try and tell the story that fast, or it ruins all character development and eliminates the details that make a good story.
1419708 i'll keep that in mind. the first couple chapters are for putting things in motion. I probably wont start any actual fighting till chapter three. also thank you for giving it a try and commenting.
Well this seems pretty interesting, humans fighting ponies without our over powered technology... following.
Sounds interesting. You have caught my eye. I shall read when I am able too. So many stories, so little time.
1420337 i know the feels bro, thanks for giving it a shot, i'm actually a bit skeptical of how this one is going to turn
1420272 i'll try not to dissapoint
google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=active&sa=N&rlz=1C1ASUT_enUS498US498&biw=1366&bih=667&tbm=isch&tbnid=06qgKpqHWFywWM:&imgrefurl=http://memegenerator.net/Well-That-Escalated-Quickly&docid=qa30EU2CvVisZM&imgurl=http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/28121861.jpg&w=250&h=250&ei=NB52UNaGFufdyAHZ6oG4Dg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=208&vpy=314&dur=1023&hovh=176&hovw=176&tx=110&ty=90&sig=112206386174903418327&page=1&tbnh=151&tbnw=151&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:0,i:96
google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=active&rlz=1C1ASUT_enUS498US498&biw=1366&bih=667&tbm=isch&tbnid=nE4RQmhBkjJ2fM:&imgrefurl=http://www.uksearchindex.com/funthingstodo-mazes.htm&docid=uhS7DdWlEh7HoM&imgurl=http://www.uksearchindex.com/maze.jpg&w=440&h=310&ei=Vx52UPO7JeLiyAHl5ICQBQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=177&vpy=155&dur=2029&hovh=188&hovw=268&tx=163&ty=133&sig=112206386174903418327&page=1&tbnh=140&tbnw=181&start=0&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:71
And you lost me halfway through.
1420554 i'm sorry, my computer can't process those pics on this site, links maybe?
1421131 That escalated quickly, and a maze. It's a great fic though, looking forward to more.
1421290 yay! i am thoroughly enjoying writing!
I am Cold,a menber of mankind.My race is in ruins,surrounded in all sides by ponies,dogs and gryphons.slavery spreads and consume us all.Here we make our final stand,here there will be Retribution
1422120 that was, perfect. With your permission i want to use that.
1422299 sure go right ahead
1422788 Advertisement on my story: Priceless
for everything else there's Mastercard.
1422930 it will be in chapter three.
finaly a slavery rebelion story
..... seriously ive been waiting for this... if i was with him id charge forward at the final battle saying this as the human armies prepare to fight!
Sons of Men!, of Earth! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come when the courage of men fails , when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day! An hour of death and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I BID YOU STAND, MEN OF EQUESTRIA! FOR TODAY IS THE DAY WE MAKE OUR STAND! TODAY WE DRIVE BACK THE RACES THAT ENSLAVE US, CLAIMING OUR RIGHTS AS A RACE! TODAY WE FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOOOM!! (charges leading the hoarde of soldiers riding on a hydras back)
ok but in all seriousness please dont quit this story or somant like that. ive been waiting for this kind of story for a LONG time. also free internet cookie if you guess what movie i partially ripped that speach off of.
I don't write many reviews, not because I have nothing to say, but because I tend to be pretty exhaustive and it takes a fair amount of time. That being said, I like the premise of this story, and I enjoyed what world building it contained, so I went into detail here. Please consider these goals. The examples I used are alternatives to what you've already published, not because I think you need to rewrite it, but simply because I thought the comparison is direct and easy to make.
1. Focus on showing rather than telling. Rather than narrating from the perspective of a camera above his head, narrate as though your readers are the protagonists' brain. You don't have to use first person to accomplish this technique, just feed us the sensory information (mostly sounds, sights, body reactions [like hairs standing on end]) that will allow us to pretend as though we are the narrator. For example, if you wanted to show a gunshot, you wouldn't ever say the words "He fired the gun." Rather, you would describe what it felt like--the jolt in his hand, the loud bang, the way the arm shakes.
2. This is partly to do with showing, but deserves its own section--make sure to describe emotional states. Remember that the most compelling and interesting conflicts are fought in the mind. The world you've built offers such opportunities for emotional reactions--slavery being such an emotionally charged subject--that I think you can seamlessly integrate more of that material in the story. A slave doesn't just wake up from a year of drudgery because he was handed a book. Describe why, tell us what emotions caused him to remember his natural rights and dignity. For example, you already established that he was an actor. You could have had him peek into the book a little, see another famous line--Shakespeare or otherwise--about humanity that caused emotions to flood through him. Make it a symbolic moment--maybe Twilight is throwing away/shelving a training book on humans, and upon reading it, he is forced to come to terms with his status as an animal. Anger results. The point is, we think we love action scenes, and sometimes we do, but there's a reason why straight action movies are generally not remembered, while emotionally intense movies like Citizen Kane, The Silence of the Lambs, and Titanic are remembered.
3. Pacing! I know you want to get to the part where he's building up a resistance against revolutions, but I would have suggested spending more time on his life in Ponyville. Show us how the ponies treat, or mistreat their slaves. Or perhaps show him working in the diamond mines before all of this started, having secret conversations and struggling for the smallest victories, like in the stories of political prisoners. Let us see him struggle--whether it be with controlling his pride, or dealing with prejudice, or whatever else you can think of! Watching the protagonist struggle like that, watching him be victimized by his slavers is what makes us sympathetic to his plight. I don't know if you've read The Piano Man, but that story included chapter upon chapter of near-torture for the protagonist. By the time the climax rolled around, all the readers hated the antagonist! You don't have to go that far, but if you see an opportunity in your story for emotional and character development, don't be afraid to slow everything down. A well-written emotionally charged scene is worth ten well-written action scenes.
In summary, I like the world you've created, and I think you've got a fair amount of promise with this format; you've certainly got more potential than those HiE stories where some brony just pops up, makes friends with everyone, and has to fight some stupidly stale one-dimensional villain called "Dark Evil Witch-dark of Darkness." I think those suggestions up there ought to help out, and if you can pull this off, you'll have a really great story in your hands. Good luck!
1423609 I'm going to guess it was from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King? The whole Age of Man thing seems to fit...
1423609 You know, i really like that. i just might use it for the final battle, with your permission of course.
1423629 thanks for the feedback and i intentionally held back going into too much detail because i'm holding it in reserve for after the battles. The time when people are most raw and willing to trust others, there will be stories around a fire and motivations revealed. i have read the piano man and i don't want to make anyone hate the ponies but i'm not going to make them the good guy. they had the power to stop slavery and they didn't, that's going to be a major drive
1423643>>1423648 nailed it baker and go for it soul i dont mind. to behonest i actually drempt up that speech. i had just watched lord of the rings then afterwards i thought of.. what if we were slaves and rebelling against ponies?. then i remember saying that speech and charging aragon style before waking up about 20 seconds in just before i got decapitated by celestia who was swinging about 50 blades in a big line..... twas a strange and fun dream....
anyway the piont of that rambling is yes go for it soul i dont mind if you use it and yes i did get part of it from lord of the rings, heres your cookie!
aimfundraising.com/images/home-cookiedough.jpg
Like the rewritten chapter a lot; it makes Colds escape sound a bit more plausible. Btw what was that book about that Cold crushed? Was it a book on breeding humans or something along those lines?