• Member Since 14th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 25th, 2023

Soul Reaper


T

Humans, we have so much potential. Potential to be doctors, lawyers, slaves. In a world where Diamond dogs figure out how to take us from ours and use us as slaves most of us are complacent. A few however, remember our pride, our freedom. We won't live as slaves, we will rise up against our overlords, we will have revenge. I am Cold, and my master was the element of magic, Twilight Sparkle.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 53 )

Interesting concept. But my advice: slow down. Don't try and tell the story that fast, or it ruins all character development and eliminates the details that make a good story.

1419708 i'll keep that in mind. the first couple chapters are for putting things in motion. I probably wont start any actual fighting till chapter three. also thank you for giving it a try and commenting.:scootangel:

Well this seems pretty interesting, humans fighting ponies without our over powered technology... following.

Sounds interesting. You have caught my eye. I shall read when I am able too. So many stories, so little time. :twilightsheepish:

1420337 i know the feels bro, thanks for giving it a shot, i'm actually a bit skeptical of how this one is going to turn

1420272 i'll try not to dissapoint

1420554 i'm sorry, my computer can't process those pics on this site, links maybe?:twilightsheepish:

1421131 That escalated quickly, and a maze. It's a great fic though, looking forward to more.

1421290 yay! i am thoroughly enjoying writing!:yay:

I am Cold,a menber of mankind.My race is in ruins,surrounded in all sides by ponies,dogs and gryphons.slavery spreads and consume us all.Here we make our final stand,here there will be Retribution

1422120 that was, perfect. With your permission i want to use that.

1422788 Advertisement on my story: Priceless

for everything else there's Mastercard.:trollestia:

1422930 it will be in chapter three.:rainbowdetermined2:

finaly a slavery rebelion story :pinkiehappy:
..... seriously ive been waiting for this... if i was with him id charge forward at the final battle saying this as the human armies prepare to fight! :flutterrage:

Sons of Men!, of Earth! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come when the courage of men fails , when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day! An hour of death and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I BID YOU STAND, MEN OF EQUESTRIA! FOR TODAY IS THE DAY WE MAKE OUR STAND! TODAY WE DRIVE BACK THE RACES THAT ENSLAVE US, CLAIMING OUR RIGHTS AS A RACE! TODAY WE FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOOOM!! (charges leading the hoarde of soldiers riding on a hydras back) :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

ok but in all seriousness please dont quit this story or somant like that. ive been waiting for this kind of story for a LONG time. also free internet cookie if you guess what movie i partially ripped that speach off of. :twilightsmile:

I don't write many reviews, not because I have nothing to say, but because I tend to be pretty exhaustive and it takes a fair amount of time. That being said, I like the premise of this story, and I enjoyed what world building it contained, so I went into detail here. Please consider these goals. The examples I used are alternatives to what you've already published, not because I think you need to rewrite it, but simply because I thought the comparison is direct and easy to make.

1. Focus on showing rather than telling. Rather than narrating from the perspective of a camera above his head, narrate as though your readers are the protagonists' brain. You don't have to use first person to accomplish this technique, just feed us the sensory information (mostly sounds, sights, body reactions [like hairs standing on end]) that will allow us to pretend as though we are the narrator. For example, if you wanted to show a gunshot, you wouldn't ever say the words "He fired the gun." Rather, you would describe what it felt like--the jolt in his hand, the loud bang, the way the arm shakes.

2. This is partly to do with showing, but deserves its own section--make sure to describe emotional states. Remember that the most compelling and interesting conflicts are fought in the mind. The world you've built offers such opportunities for emotional reactions--slavery being such an emotionally charged subject--that I think you can seamlessly integrate more of that material in the story. A slave doesn't just wake up from a year of drudgery because he was handed a book. Describe why, tell us what emotions caused him to remember his natural rights and dignity. For example, you already established that he was an actor. You could have had him peek into the book a little, see another famous line--Shakespeare or otherwise--about humanity that caused emotions to flood through him. Make it a symbolic moment--maybe Twilight is throwing away/shelving a training book on humans, and upon reading it, he is forced to come to terms with his status as an animal. Anger results. The point is, we think we love action scenes, and sometimes we do, but there's a reason why straight action movies are generally not remembered, while emotionally intense movies like Citizen Kane, The Silence of the Lambs, and Titanic are remembered.

3. Pacing! I know you want to get to the part where he's building up a resistance against revolutions, but I would have suggested spending more time on his life in Ponyville. Show us how the ponies treat, or mistreat their slaves. Or perhaps show him working in the diamond mines before all of this started, having secret conversations and struggling for the smallest victories, like in the stories of political prisoners. Let us see him struggle--whether it be with controlling his pride, or dealing with prejudice, or whatever else you can think of! Watching the protagonist struggle like that, watching him be victimized by his slavers is what makes us sympathetic to his plight. I don't know if you've read The Piano Man, but that story included chapter upon chapter of near-torture for the protagonist. By the time the climax rolled around, all the readers hated the antagonist! You don't have to go that far, but if you see an opportunity in your story for emotional and character development, don't be afraid to slow everything down. A well-written emotionally charged scene is worth ten well-written action scenes.

In summary, I like the world you've created, and I think you've got a fair amount of promise with this format; you've certainly got more potential than those HiE stories where some brony just pops up, makes friends with everyone, and has to fight some stupidly stale one-dimensional villain called "Dark Evil Witch-dark of Darkness." I think those suggestions up there ought to help out, and if you can pull this off, you'll have a really great story in your hands. Good luck!

1423609 I'm going to guess it was from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King? The whole Age of Man thing seems to fit...

1423609 You know, i really like that. i just might use it for the final battle, with your permission of course.

1423629 thanks for the feedback and i intentionally held back going into too much detail because i'm holding it in reserve for after the battles. The time when people are most raw and willing to trust others, there will be stories around a fire and motivations revealed. i have read the piano man and i don't want to make anyone hate the ponies but i'm not going to make them the good guy. they had the power to stop slavery and they didn't, that's going to be a major drive

1423643>>1423648 nailed it baker and go for it soul i dont mind. to behonest i actually drempt up that speech. i had just watched lord of the rings then afterwards i thought of.. what if we were slaves and rebelling against ponies?. then i remember saying that speech and charging aragon style before waking up about 20 seconds in just before i got decapitated by celestia who was swinging about 50 blades in a big line..... twas a strange and fun dream....

anyway the piont of that rambling is yes go for it soul i dont mind if you use it and yes i did get part of it from lord of the rings, heres your cookie!
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Like the rewritten chapter a lot; it makes Colds escape sound a bit more plausible. Btw what was that book about that Cold crushed? Was it a book on breeding humans or something along those lines?

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