Nurture/Nature

by TwoTrenchcoats

Writer Unknown

((Note: The following page was found separate from the diary entries. The writer is unknown.))

Broken, bleeding, but without a mark on my body. Smile for the camera, my dear, your mane looks shoddy.

I'm tired…. So tired of everything. I can't even write poetry anymore, everything is starting to sound the same. How can I make anything new when nothing around me ever changes?

Trapped in a cage. A bird with no wings. Never to fly, never to sing.

Trapped in luxury, the illusion of happiness….

Father brought me a dress today, apparently there's some Gala happening soon and I am, of course, expected to attend.

"You'll be on your very best behavior, of course," he said.

"Yes, Father," I said back, like I always do. There's no point I'm saying anything else, all he'll hear is agreement anyway.

Stand like a proper mare. Show yourself off, let them stare. Paint on a smile with makeup I feel too young to wear….

Am I happy…?

The dress is pretty, I guess. Green to match my mane and contrast against my pink-red coat. It has all the fashionable ruffles and ribbons that are all the rage right now, and there's a red ribbon for my mane and tail.

I…I like it…I think. You're supposed to like gifts from your parents, right? They give you things because they love you, right? That's what Aunt Celestia says. She says that deep down, Father loves me in his own way. Is that what this is? Is this love?

Love is…expensive gifts?
Love is…silent dinners?
Love is…an empty mansion?
Love is…a frowning face?

I'm tired of being frowned at. Father only smiles when other ponies are around.

Is it because I'm not white like you? Do you not like my color? Could I change it? If I push the knife deep enough will all the red drain away and make me white like you? Would that make you happy? Would that make you smile at me? It wouldn't leave a mark, I promise. I learned how to hide them.

It doesn't even hurt anymore….

I wonder where my mother is.

Father says that she couldn't handle my birth and left him all alone with me. When I ask Aunt Celestia she just gives me a sad look and says that Father will tell me everything when he's ready. Ready for what? What is there to be ready for? Did something bad happen? Is that why Father doesn't love me right?

Or is it me who doesn't love Father right? Should I try to be more like him? Walk with my snout in the air and use big fancy words that don't mean anything. Take tiny, tip-hoof steps like I'm walking on something awful and frown at everyone who isn't dressed as nicely as me. Will that make me happy?

I'm not happy. Something is wrong. Something is missing. I'm incomplete, something was taken from me back before I can remember. The face that looks back at me in the mirror of my dreams isn't mine, but it's a part of me.

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't escape. There is no freedom for me. A tower made of windows, but none of them open. A hallway full of doors, but all of them are locked.

I feel too much and nothing at all. My back is breaking but there's nothing on it. There's air all around me, but my lungs won't fill. There's no relief from this awful pressure on my bones. From this burning ache in my chest.

No escape.

I need my – ((Note: The end of this sentence is obscured by red-brown stains. What follows is written at the bottom of the page in red ink, the writing matches that of Twilight Sparkle.))

A troubling development that I fear falls outside my estimated failsafes. I had no way to know in advance what the family situation would be…but should I have expected as much based on previous data?

I could have prevented this, I take full responsibility for this error. I fear Princess Luna will have much repair to do to this poor foal's dreamscape. But, sadly the experiment must continue; a major change could irreparably affect their development and I didn't spend so many years preparing to let myself be swayed by emotions.

I'll make it up to them later, when the experiment is complete. The results of all my hard work will cushion the blow of their experiences. All of them, not just Pair D. I see that all the pairs are experiencing varying levels of distress due to my actions.

I would ask Celestia to forgive me, but I know I'm well beyond even her forgiveness now. This fatal lapse in judgment has made this even closer to her than I ever intended. A large egg to break for this omelet of mine.

Progress of Group Alpha so far.

Age:12

Pair A: Progressing as expected. Differences in interests are promising but inconclusive as of the time of writing. Current locations: Detrot and Manehattan.

Pair B: Anomaly pair under special observation. Current location: Ponyville.

Pair C: Progressing slower than expected. Similarity of interests is inconclusive as of the time of writing. Current locations: Appaloosa and Fillydelphia.

Pair D: Unexpected developments. One is progressing as expected while the other is stagnating in a less than ideal environment. Regardless, drastic differences of interests are promising but inconclusive as of the time of writing. Current locations: Ponyville and Canterlot.

Author's Note:

This chapter has been cooking in my head for a bit.

Can you tell I used to wrote some angsty poetry as a teenager? There will probably be a bit of a stretch before the next chapter so I hope you'll be patient with me🩷

Comments

[samble]

Ah...Blueblood reproduced. But no known mother?

"Smile for the camera, my dear your mane looks shoddy."

Missing comma?

[TwoTrenchcoats]

11871190
It certainly sounds that way, doesn't it?

Fixed! Thank you!