im claw gerber i may upload some of my own works later but for now im going to make some audio recordings of fics. PM me if want to sugest your own work or someone elses
Clockchime is an ordinary earth pony mechanic who's greatest wish is to be able to fly and use magic. One day, a mysterious friend appears to help her make that dream a reality. Why stop there though - why not let every non-unicorn pony have magic, or let every earthbound pony know the joy of flight?
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thanks to Icyblackwing for the cover
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Finally got chapter one up with more to come.
Critics welcome, grammar nazi's even more so
1390978
Grammar nazis even more.
The apostrophe's not needed there.
This post has no value other than to display my tendency to be -you guessed it- the Grammar Nazi.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing how this story progresses. Good luck, Claw.
I'm going to guess this is your first fic and I'll be honest with you, it's not bad. It's not good but you've got promise. This doesn't mean you're off the hook yet, no it just means I won't be as nasty as I usually am when people piss me off with their bad writing.
First off, you've got a wall 'o text happening. You need to break up those paragraphs and place a space between them. And while it's not necessary, you should indent the paragraphs as well. All this does it makes it easier to read.
Spelling seems to be good, I can tell that you've used the spellcheck function so you get points there. There are no obvious grammar issues, granted I will be honest it's late right now so I might simply not be seeing them so I'll give you a pass on that as well.
However, you've got some weird sentence structure happening. It's not that it's bad, and I can see what it was you were trying for but it doesn't fit the rules for writing. When we speak, and it sounds like this is being narrated, we typically place pauses and don't necessarily follow the rules of grammar when we do. By this I mean we'll use sentence fragments, or link a sentence to the one previous because it's understood from the context what it is you're talking about. You can't get away with this when you write.
This is a nice sentence, but it's clunky. You've got some good descriptions and you're setting the scene but there's just something about how this sounds that is setting off alarm bells in my mind but I'm having trouble putting my finger on it.
I think it's because you've got two complete thoughts there that could easily be broken up into two sentences. Otherwise it's the relationship between the second clause with the first, something there just isn't working for me. Could it be past VS present tense in that the first clause seems to be past but the second seems to indicate it's happening now?
And finally you're making mention that the pony in question will become an alicorn. Be very careful how you treat this. Alicorns typically cause stories to insta-fail. They're supposed to be extremely rare and there are only supposed to be 2 of them. Yes, Cadance is the 3rd but she was originally supposed to be a unicorn only. Now, if you come up with a novel way of introducing this transformation and don't make them too powerful then you might avoid the curse. Or if they're not actually Alicorns and it's something more sinister at work then forget what I just said.
This story warrants a watch, I'll give you thumbs up for the moment but I will be watching.
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
Handful of suggestions.
You could change this: "The bright Equestrian sun slowly arose in the sky over the quiet village of Ponyville ..." into "The bright Equestrian sun rose slowly into the sky over the quiet village of Ponyville ..."
I mention this because the construction feels a little funny there. Also, not sure you need to emphasize the 'Equestrian' there, but it seems okay. I don't know that you really need to capitalize it, though.
* I kinda agree with Evil Homer, there is a bit much going on in there. A second sentence probably wouldn't hurt. Alternatively, if I had to axe part of the whole altogether, I'd remove the bit about awakening people since that's not something you can really observe from a birds eye view.
I would add a comma as noted below, because it's kind of describing the wooden panel which is describing the door.
"The door, a worn wooden panel, reinforced with an inlay of rusted iron, creaked on its ancient hinges."
(i.e. "The door creaked on its ancient hinges." is fine by itself, but the two bits in the middle describe the door itself.)
* might be fine as is, just my opinion
Phrasing seems a tad clunky, and that should be 'mess', not 'messed'.
"A display window on the front revealed the front room, a kind of organized messed of gears, springs and various machine parts. "
so, maybe?
"From the window display the front room was visible, a kind of organized mess of gears, springs and various other machine parts."
You should try looking at these again a day or two after you write them and see if there are any places where you can smooth out the words in this sort of sense. When you churn out material quickly, sometimes the urge to get it on a page and out of your head leads to less than ideal sentence structure or phrasing.
Oh and cool story, hope it doesn't get too crazy. You could always have her invent some kind of primitive magitech (as it's sometimes called) which would let her have magic powered wings and a horn focus to use the magic herself instead of bringing in some kind of external influence. Of course, you'd probably have to invent some kind of magic collector as well (can you leech it out of the environment?).
I noticed something while I was trying to sketch the front room for kicks -- at the beginning your description of the inside of the building rambles a bit such that it's not entirely clear which room you're talking about.
Also, bunch of questions:
Then there's this bit where you talk about Clockchime (I guess), who is sleeping, and you say curled up in the blanket, but rolling over reveals a cutie mark without the blank moving or getting lost to the floor? And that mechanical fish diagram, is it art on the radio or is it obscuring it? If it obscures it how could she ever find the radio controls?
Why is there a cooking machine in the workshop? Doesn't that belong in the kitchen? Are these normal equestrian conveniences or some kind of special contraption she's got.
I'm assuming this is her grandfather's shop? Why does she have a rooftop entrance, was it there, or was it added so Skyshade can get in? It's not clear whether the battery being referred to is for the front entrance or the roof door (which has a crank?), does it allow a door to open automatically or?
Any chance you could draw a map of this place? The arrangement of rooms is a little confusing. I guess the kitchen is next to the workshop, but what room are the stairs in? Is there a fireplace with a mantel in the hallway? Are there even two floors, it seems like either there is only one floor or the workshop is somehow on the second floor with all the living space. I'm a bit lost.
She has uncles? Do they live here, is it her store or theirs?
P.S. A cuckoo clock usually hangs on the wall and has a little moving bird things and goes 'cuckoo' on the hour. What you describe sounds more like a grandfather clock which is a tall standing clock with a pendulum.
P.P.S Sorry for the deluge, it suddenly occurred to me that there were some unanswered questions that I could see in there.
1395860
^^^ THIS right here.
I believe there was mention of a magic battery? Something that a unicorn could charge. Something like this would be much more interesting to explore.
Wow! lots of feed back, let's see...
Homer: ya I'm working on sentence structure and the like, and I've got a plan to avoid the op alicorn bit... ahh but that's spoilers. Oh and yes it's my first fic
Storm: the diagram was on the radio like a paper covering it, cooking machine is in the kitchen/living room, yes the door is for Pegasi entrance it's battery powered but has a crank in case there's no power for it, thought I was clear on lay out but I guess it still needs work ill post a pic later, the uncles were supposed to be a film flam reference that I may play with later, I'll check back on the clock, and no problem.
:yes there are magic batteries thought that would be a good way of keeping it magic-esque while keeping it new
Thanks
Just finished chapter two, ill post it as soon as my editor finishes
1406996
Chapter two is up
Interesting. Seems a little fast to just have everything built and put together, especially for an earth pony. Unless she's really skilled, she might need a unicorn to even put that together. Also, I doubt she could learn to fly that fast, unless that bit out "copying" pegasus magic is much more than it seems. I feel like it'd be more interesting if she finished those wings before Skyshade was able to fly again since that could create some tensions between them.
It seems odd that she'd have everything to hand, but maybe...
When were enchantments forbidden, recently, or say post NMMs banishment?
*Maybe more questions later. The events just seem a tad hasty all of a sudden, unless you want this story to be past the big stuff in a chapter or two.
** Second!
Ok, really... I had to say that for kicks, but still. 
1417624 ya it dose feal kinda rushed, I may go back and lengthen it a bit.
1417726
I think you should focus on including some additional points in time. I'd expect that project to take at least a week, maybe up to a month if she has to hammer those feather out by hoof/mouth, depending on how much business they are doing. That and the linkage would take a day or two under the same circumstances, maybe a third for double checking. Of course we're not counting the time Skyshade is off and away (i.e. no gem yet) or whether any other incidents happen with her. I am assuming they do a moderate business in fixing things. If she's the type to work after bedtime, she might be a bit tired in the morning and behind on work -- so her project gets done a little faster, but not rapidly. If they wanted her grounded, she might be in danger the first time she is able to fly again. Also, unless it's never going to matter again, you might try and come up with another Derpy incident at the post office if it's that regular of a problem... Clockchime would probably be a bit more frustrated at times than she might otherwise have been since work to do means she has to put off the project now, whereas maybe she wasn't as concerned with time before.
Some more conversation with whoever is in the rock might also be interesting.
the charms are not the base of my book, I'm doing all of what you said... But not quite yet
1422791
Err, charms? ( still a little lost on that part of the title). When can has more?
*Please excuse my intentionally horrible grammar there...
Charms is what I'm calling the magical items that alow the use of other ponies powers.
And I've decided that the actual charm would not be incredibly hard to make as its the magic that gives it power.
Edit: went in and fixed chapter one chapter two on the way
Update! Yay! Off to read it.