Cogs Machines
CHAPTER ONE: COG'S MACHINES
The bright Equestrian sun slowly arose in the sky over the quiet village of Ponyville, illuminating the pastel thatched buildings and awakening the residents of each dwelling in turn. When the the sun hit one shop in particular, a ray of light hit a prism mounted on the roof, propelling the light inside. A gear-shaped sign on this odd building proclaimed it to be "Cog's Machines and Repairs." The door, a worn wooden panel reinforced with an inlay of rusted iron, creaked on its ancient hinges. A display window on the front revealed the front room, a kind of organized messed of gears, springs and various machine parts. Crammed between a stack of copper rods and one particularly large silver gear was an oak desk, topped with a cashier bell and cash register. Behind this desk was a workshop, illuminated by an opaque white crystal in the roof. The daylight brought in revealed many cluttered tables of tools and parts, each work table centered with a machine of some sort.
Along the back wall were row after row of different sized boxes, each one similar in design with a single nub on the top. Adjacent to this display of boxes was a set of stairs, lined with more crystals lighting the way. This lead to a dim hall with three adjoining rooms: one to the left, right, and straight ahead. The sound of light snoring could be heard emanating from the door on the left. Hanging on one wall of the room, which was actually rather small, was a large map of Equestria with hoof written notes on several locations. Surrounding the map was a menagerie of posters of the Wonderbolts cluttered next to those of DJ Pon-3, overlaid with a smattering of machine schematics. Underneath the gaze of the best flyers in Equestria were many stacks of books, everything from a "Beginners Guide to Magic" to "Flying for Derps" The piles of books and papers was only broken by a desk cluttered with stationery and a large, plush, cream colored bed from which the snoring was originating. Curled up in the folds of the blanket was a light orange earth pony, her mane a tangled mess of dark blue. She moaned and rolled over, revealing a golden key with a gear for its handle emblazoned on her flank. She slept undisturbed for a few more minutes until a radio, covered by a diagram of what appeared to be a mechanical fish, sprang to life, playing an exquisitely loud song courtesy of Vinyl Scratch. The mare jolted awake, flailing groggily for the radio controls and finally whacking them with a final sweep of the hoof. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she strode out if the room and into the hallway, going straight into the bathroom to prepare for the day. She exited the bathroom, now fully awake and with a slightly less tangled mane, taking a left into the third door. Inside was a spilt room kitchen and living area, lit with more of the luminescent crystals. The room was the cleanest in the house, which wasn't saying much. The kitchen was equipped with a few machines that, for once, appeared to have purpose. She trotted to the kitchen, opening a few cupboards and removing oats, nuts and a few other various food items, and placing them carefully into one of the contraptions. A quick turn of a nob and the machine went to work. Exiting the kitchen, she passed a large clay fireplace, its mantle covered in photographs. She paused at one that showed an older colt standing in front of a much newer-looking machine shop.
"Hello, grandpa Cog," she whispered to the photo as if wishing it to respond. Turning her head, she glanced at another picture of a young orange foal cuddled between a red mare and a brown stallion. "Hello mom, hello dad," she said somberly, pulling herself away from the memories. Going past the fireplace, she entered the living side of the room and promptly flopped herself onto one of the three couches around the place, only to immediately jump up and inspect the seat, bewildered. There sat a heavy leather apron and a brass pair of googles, right where she'd left them last night.
"Gall darn tools," she mumbled, swiping away the bundle of leather and retaking her seat. There she waited impatiently, tapping her hoof on a side table until the cooking machine gave a whir and a ding signaling its completion. She quickly shot out of the cushioned chair and into the kitchen, grabbing a bowl from the sink as she went, and placed it under a nozzle on one side of the machine. The machine gave a soft buzzing and a stream of hot oatmeal poured into the bowl. She flipped a switch when the bowl was full, and quietly enjoyed her meal. Once she was finished, a great dong sounded from a half-constructed cuckoo clock standing next to the door, signaling the start of the work day. She looked up for a second and then quickly laid into the last bits of oatmeal. Finished, she tossed the bowl next to the sink and rummaged around until she found the leather apron she'd discarded earlier, slipping the strap around her neck and reaching back to tie another couple of strips around her midsection. Looking down, she found her goggles and slipped them over her ears, clamping a few locks of royal blue mane to her face. She started toward the door, adjusting her hair as she went. Pushing aside the door, she trotted down the stairs, nearly tripping over a pile of washers and rivets as she reached the bottom. As she strode into the workshop, a knocking from above brought her attention to the roof.
"Oh, the door battery's dead again," she grumbled winding her way past the piles of boxes to the rear of the building grabbing onto a large crank and going to work. Slowly but surely a large circular door opened in the roof.
"For Celestia's sake Clockchime, you forget that battery every week!" the dove-grey pegasus chided as she hovered toward the floor, her turquoise mane fluttering around her. She landed on the clearest section of ground, her back turned to Clockchime, showing the diamond surrounded by a white cloud that made up her cutie mark.
"Yeah yeah, Skyshade, I'll do that now. Why don't you go check the mailbox for today's orders?" Clockchime said, irritated that she and Skyshade had this conversation at least once every week.
"I'm on it" Skyshade replied, trailing into the front room.
Clockchime used a swift hind leg kick to open a panel next to the crank, revealing one of the peculiar boxes plugged into the door assembly. She pulled it loose and tossed it to the pile on her left, then dug around for a replacement in the pile to her right, finally coming up with a battery of the right size. She turned around and pushed it into place, and recovered the panel. She then pressed a green button on the opposite side of the crank, causing the above door to rev shut. "There," she said triumphantly, following Skyshade into the other room just as the front door opened, letting in a rather neat-looking unicorn colt.
"Oh, hello Emberglade," Clockchime greeted him with a smile. He nodded back, keeping his immaculate mane still, its deep purple always in the same pattern. His rust-red coat was as clean and clear as ever, only broken by the brass scale of his cutie mark.
"The empty battery pile's getting big again; can you go refill them?" she said, nodding toward the back room.
"Just as soon as I get the cash register going," Ember replied, setting his saddlebag by the counter and unlocking the register.
The door reopened, letting Skyshade in. "Looks like a busy day ahead of us," she stated while shuffling through a stack of orders. "Let's see... three repair orders, 8 battery replacements, and...well looky here, an order from Cloudsdale. Don't they usually use Mack's machines?" Skyshade said with a snicker.
"Why are you laughing? That means you have to fly there and back," Ember put in with some chuckling of his own.
"Oh, go file something," she snapped back.
"Break it up, you two" Clockchime said, swiping the repair orders from Skyshade. With a quick shuffle through, she sighed. "Dear Celestia, how often does that Vinyl break her turntables? Eventually I won't be able to fix them," Clockchime mumbled, glancing back at the other two orders; one stated a service request at the town library, the other the daily order to the post office.
"Got the shop handled, Glade?" she asked, trotting around the counter and stopping off at a work bench cluttered with tools.
"As always, Chime." he replied, joining her in the back, his horn coming to life with a red aura as he directed his attention toward the empty batteries. Clockchime filled the pouches on her apron with what she needed and started for the door just as Skyshade made use of the roof door, carrying her first delivery. Turning to the door, Clockchime stepped out into the light.
~ ~ ~
The air outside was crisp with the scents and sounds of morning, and the light was absolutely blinding. Blinking the spots from her eyes, Clockchime made for the back of the building, stealing her way through the alley between buildings and emerging in the cart path running behind the stores. Looking to the back of the shop, she trotted up to her own cart, which was mounted between two posts; it sat beside the prototype of some peculiar wheeled vehicle her twin uncles had had her help them make a few weeks before they left to wherever they had gone. She swiftly undid the chain and wriggled her way into the harness. Backing into the alley, she turned and set off at a gallop to her first stop. The back streets were rarely busy, that morning being no exception. Pegasi were out and about clearing the clouds, shaping the day into one of the best Ponyville had seen in a while. The thatched roofs were starting to darken with the collection of rain over the past week. Thankfully, there were also fewer puddles for the cart to catch in, cutting a few minutes from the trip.
The first stop was to the Post Office, which was also Clockchime's best customer, having to call upon the her services almost daily. Coming to a halt in front of the official-looking white building with a patchwork roof, she settled her cart by some bushes and trotted up the marble stairs to a set of brass push doors. She didn't get one hoof through the door before she was blown back by what seemed to be a concentrated explosion coming through the doors. From her vantage point on the floor, Clockchime got a view of the source of this destruction.
"Derpy! Try to watch where your going!" Clockchime scolded half-heartedly, knowing the clumsy pegasus never meant to do any of it on purpose.
"Sorry Clockchime. Here, have a muffin!" Derpy replied with her usual apology and endless supply of muffins she kept in her satchel.
"It's fine, just don't blow anything up," Clockchime said with a laugh as she got back to her hooves and took the muffin.
"Don't worry, I haven't blown anything up in days." Derpy gave a lopsided smile and took to the skies, leaving Clockchime to pick some of her tools from the floor. After getting her belt in order, Clockchime turned her attention to the metallic doors, slowly slipping in to avoid a repeat of earlier. The inside of the post office was much like the outside; a common, official-looking building, pockmarked with broken masonry and damaged furniture.
"Ahhhhhh, miss Clockchime, wonderful," the postmaster Mr. Script greeted with his usually tired face. "Derpy kind of... well, derped."
"So what is it today?" Clockchime inquired, wondering what today's job would be.
"Oh, it's not too bad; she loaded the mail sorter backwards." He sighed and checked large brass clock hanging on the opposite wall.
"Ma'll hafe it done inth an hour," Clockchime replied, chewing through the muffin Derpy had given her.
"That'll be fine, but please hurry. If we don't get the mail sorted, we'll miss our quota," the old stallion reminded as he walked over to the clock, which had stopped not two hours ago. He examined it for moment, then reached for the clasp on the side of the casing, which upon its release let out a flood of muffins and gears.
"I'll throw in the clock for free," she added with a bemused smile.
"Thank you." he said with a tired look, as he turned toward the side door that led to his office. Clockchime set off to the sorter room, knowing the place by heart due to her several visits. The machine in question wasn't terribly hard to fix; all that needed to be done was to remove the dispenser and take out the letters. With the aid of her many tools, Clockchime had the machine going in record time. The clock, however, was a different story. All the pieces had to be cleaned and sorted, the pieces impossible to put together to the untrained eye. For Clockchime, it was merely difficult. When the job was finally done, she closed up the clock and set it to a pocket watch she produced from her apron. She sighed, looking toward the office, and grudgingly got to her hooves and stretched. Mr. Script was summoned with a quick knock to his door.
"All done." she reported, happy to be finished.
"Oh excellent. So that's 15 bits?" he asked, retrieving a coin purse and pulling out the glittering coins.
"Yes, thanks." She nodded, accepting them. "See you tomorrow," she added with a sly grin.
He gave a great sigh and started off for the now-working letter sorter. "I certainly hope not." He disappeared down the hall, giving a last glimpse of his cutie mark - a letter full of bubbles.
~ ~ ~
Clockchime trotted down the marble steps to retrieve her cart, securing the leather straps and again setting off into the day. Vinyl Scratch lived in a town house near the train station, due to her and her roommate's constant traveling. Upon rolling up Clockchime was relieved to find that the constant wubs that usually filled the building had fallen silent.
Instead, the light plucking of classical music could be heard emanating from the town house. Clockchime deposited her cart on the stoop, glad to be rid of the weight, and knocked at the door. She waited for a moment, wondering what Vinyl had managed do to her turntables this time,when the door suddenly slammed open.
"Clockchime, finally!" The white unicorn said as she grabbed Clockchime by the shoulders and pulled her inside.
"This classical is great and all, but there's nothing like dubstep," she said pulling her past the kitchen and into a rather spacious living room turned music room, littered with various musical instruments. One side of the room was strewn with keyboards, guitars and, above all, wires; everything needed to make electro music. The others side, a bit cleaner, had a multitude of stringed instruments and sheet music all over. Vinyl quickly lead Clockchime to the "dubstep" side in the center of which was the turntable in question. Surprisingly, it appeared intact.
"So what's wrong with it?" Clockchime asked.
"I don't know. I woke up this morning and they just wouldn't turn on."
"Are you sure you didn't spill something on them or fall on them?"
"Do you honestly think I'm so careless as to.."
"Yes." Clockchime cut her off. "I'll see what I can do"
"You're as much of a buzzkill as usual. Let's see if we can fix that." She let the last statement hang in the air as she strolled through another door.
Clockchime shrugged and set to examining the turn table. It didn't take long for her to notice what was wrong; the magical battery was missing. She was about to call for Vinyl when a brown earth pony quickly strode in, Clockchime quickly recognized her as Octavia, Vinyl's roommate. "Wait!" she said in a hushed voice.
"What?"
"Please don't tell vinyl what's wrong, this is the first quiet I've had in months."
"You took the battery!?" Clockchime asked, now confused.
"Quiet!"
"Why?"
"Vinyl never sleeps; she's always playing her music, and it's been driving me mad."
"So what do you want me to do?"
"Please just tell her you fixed it, but she needs to wait a while to use it. I'll slip the battery in later."
"Ummmm..."
"Well look at that, Octy! You getting "friendly" with the repairmare?" Vinyl asked, bursting through the door with a smirk.
"Vinyl! Please don't scare away one of the few ponies who still dares enter our home."
"Hey, those spiders were only partially my fault!" Vinyl turned her attention to Clockchime. "So you got it working?"
"Ummm... yes, I did. You see, you've been using it too much; it's overheated. Let it rest for a few more hours and it should be fine." Clockchime said with a wink to Octavia, who looked relieved. "You really shouldn't play it so much."
"That's great! I can't wait to start jamming again!" Vinyl said in delight while doing a hoof pump. Clockchime watched her rub her beloved turntable fondly. "Thanks, Chimey."
Vinyl dug into a drawer on a side table and removed a hoof-full of golden coins which she tossed at Clockchime. The repairmare caught them in mid air, wondering what exactly was making the bits so sticky, before finally shoving them into her coin pouch.
She made her way back to the front door. "I'll see you two later!" she shouted, ducking through the door and into the street. Inside, the classical music started up again. Clockchime let out a sigh of relief as she hitched up her cart, thinking of her last stop. She started up and was about to take of when a dull throb of purple caught her eye. She skidded to a halt and examined the ground where a small pebble was glowing a dark violet. Puzzled, Clockchime scooped it up to get a closer look, but as soon as she did the glowing ceased, making it appear now as a normal pebble. She simply tossed the curious pebble into her belt, deciding to examine it later, and headed off to the library.
~ ~ ~
The giant, hollow tree that had been converted into a library years ago was outlined in the midday light. Clockchime gazed at the way the light shifted through the leaves as she strolled toward the door carved into the base between two roots. She shrugged off her cart and tied it to a low branch before entering the musty library. The front room, centered by the huge, carved wooden horse head, was empty except for the many books lining the walls. A purple radiance was emanating from a doorway to the left; she followed it down a flight of stairs and into a large, cavelike room filled with a menagerie of testing equipment, all belonging to the purple unicorn in front of her.
"Hello, Twilight," Clockchime greeted the unicorn, who set down the book she was levitating next to the sprawl in front of her.
"Oh good, you're here. I've just finished laying out everything you need."
"What?"
"I isolated the problem, got the manual, had Spike get the tools, and set out instructions on what to do."
"So why didn't you fix it?"
"Huh? Why would I? You're the professional." She said this as if it was common sense. Trotting toward the door she left her with a passing statement. "I'll send in Spike with some refreshments later. I know how much you like his cookies."
"Thanks," replied Clockchime, thinking of what she actually wanted Spike for. She looked down at the sprawl of books, all the organized schematics.
"Wow. I usually just bust it open and screw with it 'til it works." she remarked, brushing the neat piles aside and diving into the machine. The problem, as usual with things of Twilight's, was overuse. A few pieces had been worn down to bare metal. The replacements would have taken weeks to get. Luckily, Twilight had taken care of that. She scanned the discarded pile for needed parts, plucking them out one by one. The old pieces came out easy enough; the hard part was putting the new ones in. When she was about half way through, a purple and green dragon walked in, carrying a tray of cookies and a pitcher of punch.
"Hello, Spike," Clockchime greeted him.
"Hello. Hey, do you have any gems?"
"As long as you have some spare scales," she said, plucking a hoof full of glittering gems out of her belt and waving them in front of the baby dragon. He, in turn, produced a handful of purple scales.
"Hmmmm... Seems about even, and I'll make it uneven if you give me a hand with your fire."
"Yeah, sure," Spike was too distracted to care, drooling over the jewels.
"Okay, so it's a deal?"
"Definitely."
Clockchime scooped up the scales, pocketing them. They set to work, using Spike's flame to get the pieces in place. When they finished, Spike grabbed the pile of books and papers. He carried them off, happily munching on a gem. Clockchime closed up the machine and turned it on, soon greeted by the whir of magic energy that signaled her success. She let out a sigh and collected her tools. She left the machine and climbed the stairs to the main room of the library, where Twilight was sorting books with her magic. Clockchime paused and watched her for a minute, gazing with envy at the horn, thinking of how easy her job would be with magic. She shook the thoughts from her head, and trotted into the room. "All done, Twilight."
"Oh, excellent. That's 10 bits, right?"
"Yup."
Twilight levitated the coins toward her; she easily snagged them, slipping them into her belt, and started for the door. "See ya, Twilight. Call me if you need anything else."
"I certainly will, Clockchime."
She swung the door open and trotted back into the world.
~ ~ ~
Clockchime hooked up her cart, thankful that her out-and-about day was over. She started home, taking a route that brought her near the edge of town, allowing her an excellent view of Cloudsdale off in the distance.
She paused and marveled at the Pegasi in flight, wishing she could join them in the air.
"You can you know."
Clockchime looked around for the source of the voice, finding nopony nearby.
"Who are you?"
"Why, my dear, I'm your best friend," the voice answered, "and I'm going to help you. How would you like to fly?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Special thanks to
phynix05
RyllShados
And my editor
PrelateZ
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Finally got chapter one up with more to come.
Critics welcome, grammar nazi's even more so
1390978
Grammar nazis even more.
The apostrophe's not needed there.
This post has no value other than to display my tendency to be -you guessed it- the Grammar Nazi.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing how this story progresses. Good luck, Claw.
I'm going to guess this is your first fic and I'll be honest with you, it's not bad. It's not good but you've got promise. This doesn't mean you're off the hook yet, no it just means I won't be as nasty as I usually am when people piss me off with their bad writing.
First off, you've got a wall 'o text happening. You need to break up those paragraphs and place a space between them. And while it's not necessary, you should indent the paragraphs as well. All this does it makes it easier to read.
Spelling seems to be good, I can tell that you've used the spellcheck function so you get points there. There are no obvious grammar issues, granted I will be honest it's late right now so I might simply not be seeing them so I'll give you a pass on that as well.
However, you've got some weird sentence structure happening. It's not that it's bad, and I can see what it was you were trying for but it doesn't fit the rules for writing. When we speak, and it sounds like this is being narrated, we typically place pauses and don't necessarily follow the rules of grammar when we do. By this I mean we'll use sentence fragments, or link a sentence to the one previous because it's understood from the context what it is you're talking about. You can't get away with this when you write.
This is a nice sentence, but it's clunky. You've got some good descriptions and you're setting the scene but there's just something about how this sounds that is setting off alarm bells in my mind but I'm having trouble putting my finger on it.
I think it's because you've got two complete thoughts there that could easily be broken up into two sentences. Otherwise it's the relationship between the second clause with the first, something there just isn't working for me. Could it be past VS present tense in that the first clause seems to be past but the second seems to indicate it's happening now?
And finally you're making mention that the pony in question will become an alicorn. Be very careful how you treat this. Alicorns typically cause stories to insta-fail. They're supposed to be extremely rare and there are only supposed to be 2 of them. Yes, Cadance is the 3rd but she was originally supposed to be a unicorn only. Now, if you come up with a novel way of introducing this transformation and don't make them too powerful then you might avoid the curse. Or if they're not actually Alicorns and it's something more sinister at work then forget what I just said.
This story warrants a watch, I'll give you thumbs up for the moment but I will be watching.
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
Handful of suggestions.
You could change this: "The bright Equestrian sun slowly arose in the sky over the quiet village of Ponyville ..." into "The bright Equestrian sun rose slowly into the sky over the quiet village of Ponyville ..."
I mention this because the construction feels a little funny there. Also, not sure you need to emphasize the 'Equestrian' there, but it seems okay. I don't know that you really need to capitalize it, though.
* I kinda agree with Evil Homer, there is a bit much going on in there. A second sentence probably wouldn't hurt. Alternatively, if I had to axe part of the whole altogether, I'd remove the bit about awakening people since that's not something you can really observe from a birds eye view.
I would add a comma as noted below, because it's kind of describing the wooden panel which is describing the door.
"The door, a worn wooden panel, reinforced with an inlay of rusted iron, creaked on its ancient hinges."
(i.e. "The door creaked on its ancient hinges." is fine by itself, but the two bits in the middle describe the door itself.)
* might be fine as is, just my opinion
Phrasing seems a tad clunky, and that should be 'mess', not 'messed'.
"A display window on the front revealed the front room, a kind of organized messed of gears, springs and various machine parts. "
so, maybe?
"From the window display the front room was visible, a kind of organized mess of gears, springs and various other machine parts."
You should try looking at these again a day or two after you write them and see if there are any places where you can smooth out the words in this sort of sense. When you churn out material quickly, sometimes the urge to get it on a page and out of your head leads to less than ideal sentence structure or phrasing.
Oh and cool story, hope it doesn't get too crazy. You could always have her invent some kind of primitive magitech (as it's sometimes called) which would let her have magic powered wings and a horn focus to use the magic herself instead of bringing in some kind of external influence. Of course, you'd probably have to invent some kind of magic collector as well (can you leech it out of the environment?).
I noticed something while I was trying to sketch the front room for kicks -- at the beginning your description of the inside of the building rambles a bit such that it's not entirely clear which room you're talking about.
Also, bunch of questions:
Then there's this bit where you talk about Clockchime (I guess), who is sleeping, and you say curled up in the blanket, but rolling over reveals a cutie mark without the blank moving or getting lost to the floor? And that mechanical fish diagram, is it art on the radio or is it obscuring it? If it obscures it how could she ever find the radio controls?
Why is there a cooking machine in the workshop? Doesn't that belong in the kitchen? Are these normal equestrian conveniences or some kind of special contraption she's got.
I'm assuming this is her grandfather's shop? Why does she have a rooftop entrance, was it there, or was it added so Skyshade can get in? It's not clear whether the battery being referred to is for the front entrance or the roof door (which has a crank?), does it allow a door to open automatically or?
Any chance you could draw a map of this place? The arrangement of rooms is a little confusing. I guess the kitchen is next to the workshop, but what room are the stairs in? Is there a fireplace with a mantel in the hallway? Are there even two floors, it seems like either there is only one floor or the workshop is somehow on the second floor with all the living space. I'm a bit lost.
She has uncles? Do they live here, is it her store or theirs?
P.S. A cuckoo clock usually hangs on the wall and has a little moving bird things and goes 'cuckoo' on the hour. What you describe sounds more like a grandfather clock which is a tall standing clock with a pendulum.
P.P.S Sorry for the deluge, it suddenly occurred to me that there were some unanswered questions that I could see in there.
1395860
^^^ THIS right here.
I believe there was mention of a magic battery? Something that a unicorn could charge. Something like this would be much more interesting to explore.
Wow! lots of feed back, let's see...
Homer: ya I'm working on sentence structure and the like, and I've got a plan to avoid the op alicorn bit... ahh but that's spoilers. Oh and yes it's my first fic
Storm: the diagram was on the radio like a paper covering it, cooking machine is in the kitchen/living room, yes the door is for Pegasi entrance it's battery powered but has a crank in case there's no power for it, thought I was clear on lay out but I guess it still needs work ill post a pic later, the uncles were supposed to be a film flam reference that I may play with later, I'll check back on the clock, and no problem.
:yes there are magic batteries thought that would be a good way of keeping it magic-esque while keeping it new
Thanks
Just finished chapter two, ill post it as soon as my editor finishes