After receiving an official request from Celestia, Nate Warner must keep a watchful eye on B0X0R, a mischief filled pony who has recently been exiled from the Equestrian Universe.
Chapters (1)
B0X0R
Joined 9th May, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- lllWarHawklll · 132k words · 2,332 61 · 26k views
- Huk · 2.4k words · 867 20 · 15k views
- Yoni · 37k words · 1,541 75 · 24k views
- Flanagan · 123k words · 1,069 50 · 14k views
- Ifitsleeps · 18k words · 476 19 · 8.1k views
- Yoni · 46k words · 2,138 152 · 28k views
- sunnypack · 136k words · 1,212 86 · 18k views
- RaptorJesus · 28k words · 193 8 · 6.2k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.108 seconds
Total duration
1,044 users online
2,078,255 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
If you find any grammar problem at all, please let me know so that I can fix it up.
1364102 Well, to start with, have a little respect for the ruler of Equestria, would you? I mean at least get her name right. You manage to mess up her name almost every time you type it.
* In the summary, you messed up her title "Princes" instead of "Princess".
* Later in the story, you spell her name as "Princes Celstia"
Are you even trying to hide the self insert?
*facehoofdeskfloor* Ow.
Back to charging myself with a broken USB stick!
It feels good..m hgtuggghgthffhggs
No seriously. At least call the pony Boxer!
And now to read it.
(I'm serious about charging myself.)
Do like, not exactly what I thought.
1421101
Oh Crap!
Well thank you for letting me know.
All right, let's do this. Usually I'd insert a picture of my yacht here, but it's twelve o clock and I can't be bothered. So if anyone asks, yes, there was a picture of a yacht here. It had the words 'R.E.View' printed on the side and was made of solid gold. Moving on.
First thing I notice is that you don't write very good dialogue. I would suggest just reading out what you write in order to make sure it sounds right. At the moment, it just sounds rushed and bland. People don't speak like they do in your story. It seems like the point of the character talking is more to portray his thoughts to the audience than to actually make a statement. But here's the thing, you don't need to point out the obvious.
"I'll mow it tomorrow"
"It's mine now."
Stuff like this doesn't really serve a purpose, and, to me at least, makes the dialogue sound unrealistic.
Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with how you choose to write, just work on slowing things down a bit.
We'll move onto canon next. Again, it's unnecessary details that cause the problem. Usually I'd be crying in joy at someone that actually uses description but moderation is something you need.
Does the fact that Equestria is name Equine and located at the center of the universe actually serve a purpose?
What about all the science jargon? I appreciate that you've attempted to explain things that most users overlook, but again, there's no need to go so in depth. I skimmed over most of the explanation because it was simply boring, and that's something you never want in your story. On top of all this, the description seems vague on what the actually important things are. What is AMA? Is it's Actual Magic Advantage, then how is it both 4 and 7? If it's different, why haven't you explained what the abbreviation is?
Unless of course, the entire point of the explanation was that it was useless science jargon and it won't actually impact the story outside explaining why the plot happens.
I also realized I like the word actually right now, huh. Moving on. Grammar.
This should be fairly easy to fix. Get a browser with spell checker (Though I don't know why you wouldn't already have one) and just skin through the story for red lines.
If that's too hard, find someone to proofread for you. I seem to remember that there was a fairly popular group for this sort of thing.
Lets move onto the big apple though, the thing I've been avoiding all this time. Your OCs.
Generally, people don't like OCs. If they're the main characters, they need to be handled tastefully and carefully. Just from the name, B0X0R, I can already see disaster looming on the horizon.
Why Boxor? How is that a pony name? And please don't respond with 'he's not a pony' because I will flip my table if you do that. Did any thought actually go into the character, or is it simply another cause of the author inserting himself into the story?
Before you continue, I beg of you, please flesh out this character more. Give him a proper name, give him hopes and dreams, give him reasons for his actions and weight upon his decisions. Make us relate to him in the way that so many before you have failed to do. Please don't give us another cookie cutter character I can fish up from any other story on the front page.
The plot also deserves a mention here. What kind of story are you looking to tell? Is it the story of a pony adapting in the real world? Why not use one of the actual characters? Is it a look on Nathans reactions to general zaniness that happens outside of his control? Why use an OC? Your story seems rather directionless at the moment, with us only learning about promises of what's going to happen.
But without a plot, those are simply that, actions. Why are they happening? What's the reason for you making this story? What do you want the audience to take away from this?
Minor nitpicking here. Celestia seems kinda evil for throwing a potentially dangerous pony on an unsuspecting human.
Stop starting all your sentences with 'I did something.' Throw us some variation to keep us hooked.
Show, don't tell. I'd rather see stuff happen than have you tell me it happened.
That seems to be about it for the moment. All in all, I give this story six dragon shaped eyelashes and Russian professional wrestler The Bear. I would suggest reading actually published books to get a better grip on how they are written to appeal to an audience. Now get off my yacht.
I have stories to rage at.
Nazkan.
That.
1423416
You could have just pressed the reply button.
Boring and pointless. Have a well-deserved thumbs-down.
P.S. Yes, you are really that uninteresting. Self-inserts always are.
1422921
You see that? That is the type of comments that I want! You rock Nazkan!
1424209
That's fine.... I get that a lot actually
thank you for all of the comments. I have read them all and have took them into consideration.
1425343
Ever thought of either A) Becoming more interesting or B) Writing about somepony else?
1426888
no not really. Writing fan fics is not really that important to me... It's all in good fun!
1441649
Nothing good or funny about it. Seriously. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
If that`s your best effort at good fun... Stop. Please, just stop. Put your keyboard away. Banish all ideas of writing - until such time you learn to write something interesting. In short, lurk more. You need it.