B0X0R's Blog

by B0X0R

A Request From a Princess

I had just reached my house from school. As I walked towards the porch, I had taken note on the overgrown lawn bisected by the pathway I was on.

' When was the last time I mowed the lawn?' I thought to myself, 'eh, I'll mow it tomorrow,'

After climbing up the three steps to the wooden porch, I stood in front of the black mailbox mounted on our house. I lifted the lid, stuck my hand in the box, and pulled out the mail.

'Hmm, bill, bill, bill, junk, bill, junk. And that's it. Figures,'

With the mail in one hand and the house keys in the other, I opened the door and stepped inside. I immediately dropped the mail on the kitchen table and then headed upstairs to my room.

There really isn't much I can tell you about my room. It has the basic stuff like a bed, a desk, and a nightstand. I remember that at one point I used to have a lava lamp on the nightstand but for some reason it's missing. I think it had something to do with disturbing me from sleeping. I really don't remember why actually. My bed is literally placed in the corner of the room. At the foot of the bed stands a tall bookshelf that almost reaches the ceiling. Surprisingly enough, there aren't that many books in it. Most of the shelves are filled with random knick-knacks and souvenneers. Parallel from my book shelf is my desk. I try to keep my desk as clean as possible, but it just always seems to turn into a catchall after a week.

Today, my desk was surprisingly clutter free. Actually, if my desk was covered with pencils, books, and loose leaf sheets of paper, I probably wouldn't have noticed the strange, crystal cube lying in the middle of my desk.

My mind began to think of exactly what it was and why it was in my room.

' Is it a birthday present from Mom? If it is then it's three weeks late! Oh well, it's mine now.'

With that, I tossed my back pack on my bed and approached the cube. As I reached for the cube to examine it, the crystal cube turned green and began to emit a stream of green fire.

"Ahh!" I jumped back in surprise, " What the hell was that?! Some kind of exotic lighter?"

A few seconds later, the green flame had died. I got up off the floor and cautiously stepped towards the desk. to my surprise, nothing around my desk had caught fire. Everything looked exactly the same when I entered my room. Well except for the rolled up scroll that was lying in front of the freaky fire cube thing. My first instinct was to grab the scroll but I stopped my self when my eyes saw the crystal cube again.

I swear, I stood there for about a minuet, just examining the cube with just my vision. The cube seemed to be approximently two in in a half inches all around. It looked like a tiki you would find in Hawaii, only this one seemed to be made of crystal and looked more like a dragon rather than an angry or happy face. This one also seemed to have a hole in its mouth. I just kept staring at it until I somehow plucked up the courage and take action. I slowly extended my right hand towards the scroll. Once the scroll was within reach, I snatched the scroll and immediately snapped my arm towards my body.

As I swiftly slid the red ribbon off, I took a quick mental note on the texture of the scroll. It defiantly wasn't everyday paper. It actually felt kind of like, parchment? I unrolled the scroll and began to read.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear, Nathanial H. Warner,

Congratulations! You have been personally accepted by me to assist my sister and I on a very important task. Before I revile what our request is however, I believe that it is only fair that I address some more important questions which you may have.

First, and most importantly, is who I am. My name is Princes Celstia and I, along with my sister Luna, am the rulers of The Land of Equestria. L.O.E. is simply just one of the eight territories ( or as your universe calls them 'continents') that make up a planet called Equin. Equine is located in the center of the Equestrian universe.

The second question you may have is how exactly was I able to send you this letter from another universe? The answer is quite simple. Magic. While my universe lakes a planet that rotates itself, your universe lacks the sixth sense, magic. After weeks of analyzing and studying, my dear younger sister had reached the conclusion that your entire universe has an ideal magical advantage of .003 along with an actual magical advantage of .4. According to Lunas' notes, your universes' AMA is 6.6 away from 7, which is the minimum amount to prevent magical residue. To prevent a magical meltdown, Luna was gracious enough to craft a dragon crystal for you. Since dragon crystals are small and compact, sending one to you only required an AMA of 39, which resulted in a mostly safe amount of magical residue to be released so long as your universe doesn't experience and AMA over 8 in the next two days.

Now that I have answered a few of your questions, I shall present you with our request. There is a particular pegasus who has a tendency to bring mischief wherever he goes. After being involved in countless letters of complaint and reprising the role of defendant in over two hundred separate court cases within the last four years, my sister and I began to consider alternative solutions for him. After consulting with our most trusted advisers, we have come to the conclusion that the pegasus B0X0R shall be permanently banned from the equestrian universe.

Of course banning a pony from a universe requires pre-armaments. It requires an alternate universe, one where B0X0R can thrive in most successfully. This will also require a warden, one who will watch over B0X0R and prevent him from causing too much trouble.

Nathanial Hennry Warrner, by the request of the Judicial Branch of the Land of Equestria, along with the acceptance of the Royal family, the Royal Princesses of the L.O.E. officially approve you as the guardian of Rant.

As always

Celestia
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

'What the hell did I just read?'

Comments

[B0X0R]

If you find any grammar problem at all, please let me know so that I can fix it up.

[MoonriseUnicorn]

1364102 Well, to start with, have a little respect for the ruler of Equestria, would you? I mean at least get her name right. You manage to mess up her name almost every time you type it.

* In the summary, you messed up her title "Princes" instead of "Princess".
* Later in the story, you spell her name as "Princes Celstia"

[Pixels]

Are you even trying to hide the self insert?
*facehoofdeskfloor* Ow.

Back to charging myself with a broken USB stick!

It feels good..m hgtuggghgthffhggs

No seriously. At least call the pony Boxer!

And now to read it.

(I'm serious about charging myself.)

[Pixels]

Do like, not exactly what I thought.

[B0X0R]

1421101

Oh Crap! Well thank you for letting me know.

[Nazkan]

All right, let's do this. Usually I'd insert a picture of my yacht here, but it's twelve o clock and I can't be bothered. So if anyone asks, yes, there was a picture of a yacht here. It had the words 'R.E.View' printed on the side and was made of solid gold. Moving on.

First thing I notice is that you don't write very good dialogue. I would suggest just reading out what you write in order to make sure it sounds right. At the moment, it just sounds rushed and bland. People don't speak like they do in your story. It seems like the point of the character talking is more to portray his thoughts to the audience than to actually make a statement. But here's the thing, you don't need to point out the obvious.
"I'll mow it tomorrow"
"It's mine now."
Stuff like this doesn't really serve a purpose, and, to me at least, makes the dialogue sound unrealistic.
Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with how you choose to write, just work on slowing things down a bit.

We'll move onto canon next. Again, it's unnecessary details that cause the problem. Usually I'd be crying in joy at someone that actually uses description but moderation is something you need.
Does the fact that Equestria is name Equine and located at the center of the universe actually serve a purpose?
What about all the science jargon? I appreciate that you've attempted to explain things that most users overlook, but again, there's no need to go so in depth. I skimmed over most of the explanation because it was simply boring, and that's something you never want in your story. On top of all this, the description seems vague on what the actually important things are. What is AMA? Is it's Actual Magic Advantage, then how is it both 4 and 7? If it's different, why haven't you explained what the abbreviation is?
Unless of course, the entire point of the explanation was that it was useless science jargon and it won't actually impact the story outside explaining why the plot happens.

I also realized I like the word actually right now, huh. Moving on. Grammar.
This should be fairly easy to fix. Get a browser with spell checker (Though I don't know why you wouldn't already have one) and just skin through the story for red lines.
If that's too hard, find someone to proofread for you. I seem to remember that there was a fairly popular group for this sort of thing.

Lets move onto the big apple though, the thing I've been avoiding all this time. Your OCs.
Generally, people don't like OCs. If they're the main characters, they need to be handled tastefully and carefully. Just from the name, B0X0R, I can already see disaster looming on the horizon.
Why Boxor? How is that a pony name? And please don't respond with 'he's not a pony' because I will flip my table if you do that. Did any thought actually go into the character, or is it simply another cause of the author inserting himself into the story?
Before you continue, I beg of you, please flesh out this character more. Give him a proper name, give him hopes and dreams, give him reasons for his actions and weight upon his decisions. Make us relate to him in the way that so many before you have failed to do. Please don't give us another cookie cutter character I can fish up from any other story on the front page.

The plot also deserves a mention here. What kind of story are you looking to tell? Is it the story of a pony adapting in the real world? Why not use one of the actual characters? Is it a look on Nathans reactions to general zaniness that happens outside of his control? Why use an OC? Your story seems rather directionless at the moment, with us only learning about promises of what's going to happen.
But without a plot, those are simply that, actions. Why are they happening? What's the reason for you making this story? What do you want the audience to take away from this?

Minor nitpicking here. Celestia seems kinda evil for throwing a potentially dangerous pony on an unsuspecting human.
Stop starting all your sentences with 'I did something.' Throw us some variation to keep us hooked.
Show, don't tell. I'd rather see stuff happen than have you tell me it happened.

That seems to be about it for the moment. All in all, I give this story six dragon shaped eyelashes and Russian professional wrestler The Bear. I would suggest reading actually published books to get a better grip on how they are written to appeal to an audience. Now get off my yacht.
I have stories to rage at.
Nazkan.

[Loki]

First thing I notice is that you don't write very good dialogue. I would suggest just reading out what you write in order to make sure it sounds right. At the moment, it just sounds rushed and bland. People don't speak like they do in your story. It seems like the point of the character talking is more to portray his thoughts to the audience than to actually make a statement. But here's the thing, you don't need to point out the obvious.
"I'll mow it tomorrow"
"It's mine now."
Stuff like this doesn't really serve a purpose, and, to me at least, makes the dialogue sound unrealistic.
Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with how you choose to write, just work on slowing things down a bit.

We'll move onto canon next. Again, it's unnecessary details that cause the problem. Usually I'd be crying in joy at someone that actually uses description but moderation is something you need.
Does the fact that Equestria is name Equine and located at the center of the universe actually serve a purpose?
What about all the science jargon? I appreciate that you've attempted to explain things that most users overlook, but again, there's no need to go so in depth. I skimmed over most of the explanation because it was simply boring, and that's something you never want in your story. On top of all this, the description seems vague on what the actually important things are. What is AMA? Is it's Actual Magic Advantage, then how is it both 4 and 7? If it's different, why haven't you explained what the abbreviation is?
Unless of course, the entire point of the explanation was that it was useless science jargon and it won't actually impact the story outside explaining why the plot happens.

I also realized I like the word actually right now, huh. Moving on. Grammar.
This should be fairly easy to fix. Get a browser with spell checker (Though I don't know why you wouldn't already have one) and just skin through the story for red lines.
If that's too hard, find someone to proofread for you. I seem to remember that there was a fairly popular group for this sort of thing.

Lets move onto the big apple though, the thing I've been avoiding all this time. Your OCs.
Generally, people don't like OCs. If they're the main characters, they need to be handled tastefully and carefully. Just from the name, B0X0R, I can already see disaster looming on the horizon.
Why Boxor? How is that a pony name? And please don't respond with 'he's not a pony' because I will flip my table if you do that. Did any thought actually go into the character, or is it simply another cause of the author inserting himself into the story?
Before you continue, I beg of you, please flesh out this character more. Give him a proper name, give him hopes and dreams, give him reasons for his actions and weight upon his decisions. Make us relate to him in the way that so many before you have failed to do. Please don't give us another cookie cutter character I can fish up from any other story on the front page.

The plot also deserves a mention here. What kind of story are you looking to tell? Is it the story of a pony adapting in the real world? Why not use one of the actual characters? Is it a look on Nathans reactions to general zaniness that happens outside of his control? Why use an OC? Your story seems rather directionless at the moment, with us only learning about promises of what's going to happen.
But without a plot, those are simply that, actions. Why are they happening? What's the reason for you making this story? What do you want the audience to take away from this?

Minor nitpicking here. Celestia seems kinda evil for throwing a potentially dangerous pony on an unsuspecting human.
Stop starting all your sentences with 'I did something.' Throw us some variation to keep us hooked.
Show, don't tell. I'd rather see stuff happen than have you tell me it happened.

That seems to be about it for the moment. All in all, I give this story six dragon shaped eyelashes and Russian professional wrestler The Bear. I would suggest reading actually published books to get a better grip on how they are written to appeal to an audience. Now get off my yacht.

I have stories to rage at.

Nazkan.

That.

[xDan]

1423416
You could have just pressed the reply button.

[Cytotoxin]

Boring and pointless. Have a well-deserved thumbs-down.

P.S. Yes, you are really that uninteresting. Self-inserts always are.

[B0X0R]

1422921

You see that? That is the type of comments that I want! You rock Nazkan!

[B0X0R]

1424209

That's fine.... I get that a lot actually

[B0X0R]

thank you for all of the comments. I have read them all and have took them into consideration.

[Cytotoxin]

1425343

Ever thought of either A) Becoming more interesting or B) Writing about somepony else?

[B0X0R]

1426888

no not really. Writing fan fics is not really that important to me... It's all in good fun!

[Cytotoxin]

1441649

Nothing good or funny about it. Seriously. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

If that`s your best effort at good fun... Stop. Please, just stop. Put your keyboard away. Banish all ideas of writing - until such time you learn to write something interesting. In short, lurk more. You need it.