A human in Equestria who just wanted some peace will learn to live side by side with the chaos of everyday life in Ponyville. Though, the way he does is a bit...
Shall we say...
Un-orthodox?
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Okay, look, uh, this was initially a comedy focused story with a few minor story beats and the it spiraled out of control into a minor drama. I think this works better honestly and perhaps I may do a sequel which focuses ON the comedy, but I felt like doing this, so feel free to share your thoughts! If you don't like the story, tell me why so I can make it better or revise some things!
Chapters (2)
yummy, or tasty?
I liked the beginning of the story, I think that it set up a lot of interesting themes and ideas, but it didn't follow through very well. It seems like a condensed down version of a much longer, more detailed fic. It doesn't seem to explain itself very well not does it have much direction.
11491343
Agreed. I'm much better with ideas than execution. Though, I will see about making it a bit more consistent and possibly longer.
11491367
It's good to get your ideas out there. Most stories die an ignoble death in Google docs or Word. Your story will only get better once you expose it to criticism.
A rewrite of this story will probably be in order. A much longer story to fully realise everything you plan for it and giving each individual aspect or theme time to breathe.
The first decision you need to make is the tone of the story. Will it be serious or silly. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/497051/the-cult-of-anon is a good example of how an HiE story centered around religion can be a lot of fun and a bit silly. If you are not very confident in your ability to fully explore themes like betrayal and religious doctrine, or don't want them to be taken very seriously, then it might be a good direction.
It seems like you have taken this story in a serious direction. The friendship between him Pinkie, but not her friends. The soured and problematic history between him and Twilight. The ethical dilemma in Tirek's offer. These are all great subjects to explore and you set them up decently in your story, but you don't pay them off in any meaningful way. If you rewrite, then you should probably give them more focus and resolution.
I have a few more ideas, but this is already turning into an essay and I don't want to grandstand to you or patronise you on how to write your story. Let me know if you need any more help, advice or criticism. I'm always eager to help a fellow author.
11491394
I could go on for ages about the stories i have in docs tbh.
I would honestly love to. Almost everything here was spur of the moment. The only idea I originally had was "what if twilight saved some guy and he made a cult around friendship" and then it spiraled out of control into something that I wasn't even imagining, but was so much more interesting.
First off, thanks for the fic. It was interesting to see someone else seemingly deal with a silly story but throwing in serious stuff last minute. I could feel the tone shift and it was so much more interesting because it built up to it, something I feel like I probably should have done.
Secondly, I... intended the story to be silly. At least at the start. As I've stated previously, it booked the nearest flight to Dramaville and left me behind, rushing to to catch it before it was too late, but unfortunately, by the time I had gotten back to the story it was too late. Though, I honestly don't know which tone I'd like better.
I feel I have a better understanding than most after seeing both firsthand. I'm in a Christian church, and while I do believe in God and all that, MAN do we seriously sound like a cult sometimes. It's where I got this idea originally, actually. Was going to be a satire on the ridiculousness of cults and religions, but, as you see, it didn't go well.
All of these ideas were born out of necessity for the character and honestly, I couldn't be more proud at how well they ended up fitting in. I was a bit shocked re-reading that and going "damn, i did that?" Unfortunately, I'm much better at ideas than execution, so they kind of fell off near the end.
Oh, no, this was all extremely useful advice! Thanks a lot! Helps to talk to someone about what I'm doing so I can get a better idea of what to improve or change.
11491471
Being silly doesn't preclude serious topics. It more so determines the level of suspension of disbelief about certain elements of the story. In the Cult of Anon, having deities needing to register or the fight between Chrysalis, Cadance and Anon, wouldn't make much sense if the setting of the story was to be taken deadly serious.
You have to justify a lot more in serious fics. The comparison that I like to make with the difference between silly and serious fics, is the difference between Civil and Criminal court trials. In Criminal court, you need to prove something beyond a reasonable doubt. In Civil, you only need to prove that something is more likely than not. Its the same sort of principle.
In silly fics, something only needs to be vaguely plausible and maybe justifiable. Does it make absolute sense that Twilight would join Anon's cult and behave the way that she does? Probably not, but it's realistic enough that we can overlook that for a good chuckle.
Serious fics need to have a chain of logic that flows through every decision and action. It needs to be grounded to reality. If something doesn't make sense or doesn't add up when examined critically, then it can't just be chalked up to "silly antics", it's a plot hole.
Having a beginning and end point in mind is important, but the journey between those two points is just as important if not more so. The end is supposed to be the natural conclusion of everything in the story up to that point. If you have to unnaturally twist the story to match the conclusion, then you have neglected a very important part of story telling.
Posting this story was probably a good step to solve this issue. You have now seen what works and what doesn't, what needs more fleshing out and what needs to be cut. Now that you have translated the story from your thoughts to paper, you can refine and restructure it.
Having a solid understanding of what you are writing about is good. It gives you more options. You don't have to suspend disbelief in describing the steps to building an organised religion, nor how cult members interact and function with each other, nor the trials and struggles that they face. If you want to write a more earnest and grounded story, then you have necessary knowledge. It also allows a more witty and elegant parody, since you are familiar with what you are criticising and how best to criticise its more ridiculous IRL elements.
Those are the elements that I was most excited to see pained off. They are interesting plot threads whether you intended them to be or not.
You didn't say if you wanted help or not, therfore I wasn't sure mine would be welcome. Authors can also be prideful of their work, I didn't know if ripping your work apart and instructing you on how to write it better would be appreciated.
Having someone to bounce ideas off of is a lot more important than many realise. Things that make sense in your head don't always translate well to paper.
For my story, I have 4 beta readers on a private Discord server. I bounce everything off of them and implement their input and my stories are much better for it.
If you want I could help you with any future projects. I don't have enough time to be a full-fledged beta-reader or coauthor, but I would be happy to act as a sounding board. DM me any time or if you want to ask something now, then simply reply to this comment thread.
Or we could just talk, it doesn't have to be about business.
Hahaha the short description made me giggle