Canterlot Wedding Gone Wrong

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Comments ( 14 )

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zachary12

zachary12 #1 · Feb 8th, 2023 · · 7 · Chapter 2 ·

nice work on both chapters look forward to more

Mix-up

Mix-up #2 · Feb 8th, 2023 · 1 · 3 · Chapter 2 ·

Keep it up

Extinction

Extinction #3 · Feb 9th, 2023 · · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

Intriguing. You’ve earned a story follow good writer.(not sure why the downvotes though?)

MagicalPony2099

MagicalPony2099 #4 · Feb 9th, 2023 · · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

11502097
Thx and I have no idea why either.

Extinction

Extinction #5 · Feb 10th, 2023 · · · Chapter 2 ·

11502291
Well you got one up vote from me.

That One Strange Fellow

That One Strange Fellow #6 · Mar 31st, 2023 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Gosh, not a sentence in and I found a problem.

Twilight looked through the crack in the door to see that 'Cadence' was with her brother in there.

SETUP! You need setup, damn it! It's the start of the story! Set the scene, set the mood, set the damn table!

Shining kept getting a headache so 'Cadence' used her green magic to make it go away. But when Twilight saw this, she had two options to choose from. Option one was to run away and confront her friends about this or option two being that she confronts 'Cadence' and her brother in there.
So she chose the second option and opened the door to the room where this imposter and her brother was in.

Cadance* (I screwed this up too when I started writing, can still be seen in some early-ish chapters of Dreams of Forever)
Also, SHOW, DON'T TELL! An omnipotent narration is BORING! Give it from Twilight's perspective to give it depth and to play off her emotions!

'Cadence'

The quotes are unnecessary. Twilight doesn't know Cadance is a fake (see also: A Canterlot Wedding). I know you want to skip right to it, but it breaks the entire narrative when she has the same information as us the readers (or the narrator).

...

OOC (more than acceptable), repetitive, a train-wreck in terms of pacing, an awful sex scene, lacking description throughout the whole story, but not a bad premise.

You were wondering why you got all those downvotes? Well... It's because you need to REALLY work on the story. It needs to be torched and started over. Go read other stories to get an idea what it's supposed to look like. A good story contains description, emotion, evocative action, and makes sense! YES, even nonsensical porn makes sense in some ways!

I say start over from the top. Go read other stories to see how it is done then come back. I would say go check the 'Writing Guide' on the website, but it's... not the best. Still, the sections from pacing onward can be helpful: https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Pacing

Don't give up writing because you receive negative feedback. Learn from it, try to understand why, and change how you write (and edit) to improve the quality of your stories. Put in the effort and I know you can get better!

MagicalPony2099

MagicalPony2099 #7 · Mar 31st, 2023 · · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

11543614
Thank you for the feedback and I'll try to do that.

Starlight Glimmer1

Starlight Glimmer1 #8 · Jun 22nd, 2023 · · · Chapter 3(TBU) ·

I became queen only just 29 years ago after she died just 3 years ago.

What?

MagicalPony2099

MagicalPony2099 #9 · Jun 22nd, 2023 · · · Chapter 3(TBU) ·

11617512
Are you confused about something?

Starlight Glimmer1

Starlight Glimmer1 #10 · Jun 23rd, 2023 · · · Chapter 3(TBU) ·

11617519
Well there’s the fact that the sentence establishes that she became queen after her mom died 3 years ago despite also saying she became 26 years before that. So was it 3 years ago or 29 years ago?

MagicalPony2099