• Member Since 20th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 34 minutes ago

Alphamon_Ouryuken


"I am the Aloof Hermit, the Lord of the Empty Seat. I am the Alpha and the Omega"

Comments ( 9 )

great job:twilightsmile:

Nice. Though I notice at the end you refer to Shining Armor as a her.

I can tell you put your all into this, which is good. You need to work on the execution, though. Read up on this and see if you can find someone to proofread your work next time. Minimizing grammar mistakes is step one in improvement. Ignore this, and readers will close your works in thirty seconds or less.

Key issues I spotted:
1. This work suffers from Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, or an overabundance of descriptive nouns. Usually this happens when someone thinks "these names and pronouns are repetitive" and tries to alleviate it by replacing them with various labels. This has an opposite effect, making the writing stilted and draws the reader out of the narrative. Most people's eyes barely glance at pronouns, but still process it. If you need to specify who is doing what, use names. Only very occasionally use improper nouns to spice it up.
2. In MLP, names of species are not capitalized when used as improper nouns.
3. A tilde ~ is not valid punctuation at the end of dialogue. I understand it's meant to convey carnal feelings, but that's what words are for. Moreover, this is smut. I don't need to be reminded every other line that they are enjoying themselves.
4. Do not capitalize pronouns after dialogue outside special circumstances. The pronoun is still part of an ongoing sentence.
5. Dialogue preceding a descriptor of who said it should not end in a period. If the dialogue is a statement, it should end in a comma.
6. Ellipses shouldn't be used outside of dialogue and quotes. If you intend for the narrator to pause longer than a period, make a new line. It has the same effect.
7. The use of ellipses to indicate hesitation or pauses isn't wrong, but there's so much of it that it draws me from the narrative.
8. Using italics to indicate when someone is stressing a word or showing the importance of specific words in the narrative is valid. However, you overdo it to the point that it just blends into the regular text.
9. Numbers should be typed out unless it would be excessively long. "Ninety-five percent" is valid. "23,581" is also valid.
10. Unintelligible dialogue and screaming has its place, but you overdid it. Keep it mostly in the narrative.
11. The dialogue reads like a cheap porno. I understand this is smut, and I can forgive Twilight's dialogue as she's mentally compromised. Chrysalis? Not so much. She is very old, and it's implied that she's done this before. It's not a new experience for her. I would have expected her to be very calm about this, sprinkling in mocking questions and sadistic comments as she takes quiet enjoyment in breaking her rival's protégé.
12. Chrysalis' reason for fucking Twilight over imprisoning her seems to not exist. Again, I understand this is smut, but even a few sentences showing Chrysalis' thought process would help smooth things over. Author pointed out where this happened.
13. This is a bit of a nitpick, but vaginal tearing is a medical emergency, I believe. If Chrysalis fully intended to have Twilight host her young, she wouldn't do that without some kind of fix-it.

11439762
Thank you for your honest criticism, I'll do my best to take most of these points under consideration:

As for this part:

12. Chrysalis' reason for fucking Twilight over imprisoning her seems to not exist. Again, I understand this is smut, but even a few sentences showing Chrysalis' thought process would help smooth things over.

It's somewhat explained here:

"You see Twilight, as Queen of the Changelings I am capable of laying fertile eggs inside of another creature's womb, and over time my eggs shall feed off of the magic and love energy of the host." Chrysalis explained, caressing Twilight's cheek as she licked her lips, practically salivating at the amount of love her new servant felt for her. "And you… with your immensely potent magic, are the perfect host for my offspring."

Looks like my cup of tea. I'll have to check it out. :trixieshiftright:

11439769
Ah, yes, my mistake.

I think this is perfect...

How's this for alternate take: Chrysalis continuously breeding Twilight during that but something weird happened.

11439769
This is actually very sound reasoning. I think the guy was more caught up in the smut than the undertones of the story.

-Changelings in this story choose 'hosts' for their eggs for:
-Raw output of magic (Twilight, even pre-alicorn was seen performing near-impossible feats on a regular basis. E.G fast-paced teleportation, a 'want it-need-it spell' that forced all of ponyville to mob over a doll.)
-Love output (Taken care of with a mix of venom and mindbreaking/subtle mind control).

Chrysalis absolutely knew that taking someone with clear alicorn potential (being both connected to the EoH and having defeated a literal 'god' before, NMM) was the most advantageous thing she could have done.

Fits well with the character; and she isn't gentle with Twilight at first because she wants them to feel good. No. Its to avoid wrecking the host of the next Generation of (far) more powerful changelings.

Im not even sure why he had to critique that point anyway. Its a decent - albiet slightly generic plot point in these types of stories. A good trope.

Also, Mostly just putting this here so people who are confused on it can see it faster :^)

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