Kind of rushed but at least it's here

1568405
Remember. I'm a beginner and try to improve my skills. It will get better.

Bronydragon

OMG Murdershy.... I would have never expected it... Good story. Just slow down the progression a bit. Flesh the story out a little more. It feels a bit rushed.

1707903
Yeah. I talked with AnonAuthor about it and he said I should consider writing the story more in pictures and not words, if you know what I mean. I'm slowing down the story by now, trying to make it more interesting and to get her victims more detailed. Mostly their deaths.

Dragon

Story Review: The Fall of the Butterfly

So, that escalated quickly. A few people have already commented on the pacing of this story so I know it’s nothing new for you. The pacing really is too fast, and gives the reader no time to follow the actions of the story. From the start of the story there are questions being raised about what is happening, and this can result in scaring away your readers. The long description of your story should have laid out the premise of the story, and that would then hook the reader’s interest in how Fluttershy turns dark like this. This isn’t a question about holding back big reveals for shock value; this is about giving the reader enough reasons to read this story.

Now the dialogue is pretty bland, but dialogue is always tricky to get right. As a writer you are allowed to tweak how a character speaks to suit your needs, so long as it’s only tweaking. If you go about changing the mannerisms of an established character like Fluttershy, you need to show in the story why that change helps to tell the story. What about death makes Fluttershy feel powerful? How does she go from claiming to love all animals to feeling empowered by death? She’s most likely seen animals die, so what is about humans that make their deaths special? What are her feelings towards humans since she’s in this new world, away from her friends and the animals she loves? Did she come through the portal willingly? Is she stuck on Earth? All these things shape how the Element of Kindness can believably enjoy killing, enough so that she wants to be an assassin. Now, if she has a mental break down from her first kill, that needs to be made clear, and it’s unlikely that her actions will be completely hers if that is the case.

You should slow down in your writing. Take time to tell the reader things. It is okay to hold back secrets, but those secrets should be plot-driven events. How is it that Fluttershy knows about the almond smell of cyanide? Even if she knew a little about herbs and poisons, that’s a fairly specific detail to remember. There’s no context for that, so it’s rather jarring to read. Also, it’s a bitter almond smell.

So the main thing you need to work on is your pacing. I highly recommend joining the school for new writers group. It should help you out a lot. Make sure you get your work proofread as well, that kind of thing is always a must. As for the story itself, it's an interesting idea, but one that needs to be developed much more to be able to keep readers interested and wanting to read.

2463521
Thank you for the comment. You are right. I shoul overwrite the first chapter and put more sense and storytelling in it. Spoke with Anon Author about it too. Also thank you for mentioning the exact smell of cyanide. About the intro text. I'm not this good at intro texts and hope to get better as time passes by. Just need the time to do it all over again. Just finished my finals today and I think I'll start rewriting the first chapter soon.
Again thank you for your constructive critic and I hope my other stories are better. Jep this is my first story. At least from the idea and notebook writing.
You rock!

Dragon

2663443
Wow. That was detailed.
Thank you for the comment and yeah I know about my mistakes already. Talked to AnonAuthor about it. He generally told me the same, but I haven't had the time to correct and rewrite everything. See: Real life.
And thank you for the grammar part, because, no, I haven't got an editor for this one or my other fics. All the shit you read in my stories is made by me.
I promise that I'll make it flow better and continue it, but I can't tell you how long it will take.
Thanks for reading and I hope you'll look in my other three fics as well.

Dragon

2669834
i knew that you don't have the time to rewrite I know from experience. I get very detailed in reviews and pick out some things. I just hope you get better at writing knowing you are generally good.

P.S i think you have great potential to write a good chapter with everyone's advice. Also your lucky, I never had this much advice on a single story for me. Also review for chapter 2 will be up soon.

2672589
Thanks man. The critics are helping a lot.
When you are interested, I can show you my other attempts to cruelly violate the english language.
Only if you want to that is.
(Two of them are not published yet but already up) And thanks again man.

Dragon

I agree with the majority of the people here that Fluttershy's psyche must be very weak to turn her so psychotic and murderous just by accepting that she has killed someone herself, but I'm intrigued.
I wonder how well her career will go?

Awaiting further releases.

2795860
Yeah. Kinda skipped the part where she really breaks.
Will fix that at some point.

Dragon

2795945
Good luck on.