- Member Since 6th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen February 25th
Bronydragon
Hmmm... What to write here? I'm 22 years of age Living in Cologne, Germany I'm writing for the fun of writing and all the ponies. Join us in insanity if you want. There's always room for more.
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Not ready with tagging, but for now it's right.
Bronydragon
Ooo. Iz-a very nice. I like it.
1230703
Instantly reading it in Mario's voice
Good that you like it. There is a whole lot more to come.
Bronydragon
Grade Time!
Character Portrayal: I can't grade this yet, you have only shown two pony personas
Plot: Great plot with many things it could do, A normal life... An adventure... An Epic Quest... it's also a great story: 10
Details: Ah, you have finely sprinkled an amazing plot with a layer of succulent detail, it takes skill to do that:10
Predictability: A good story that can't be predicted as Robert goes to Equestria, but it was easy to predict to me, that he would go to Equestria, but not that he would do it, in that way: 8
Overall I give this a 9 out of 10, for a good story that can, and probably will, go far. Take your 9 mustaches
1523787
You're too kind with your rewiews.
Character portrayal: I'm doing this a bit now, and what do you think of the voice in the dark?
Plot: Thank you.
Details: Thank you very much.
Predictalbility: you've seen nothing yet.
Overall: You're still too kind.
Bronydragon
He should have gone with "quack" instead of "meow". They'll just assume its a duck and go on their way.
1629292
You know, when you panic you most certainly don't think too much, but do something.
Too bad he did the wrong thing.
Bronydragon
So, does Equestria have a different passage of time in relation to earth?
The guy spends a day in Equestria = 20 years on earth.
Or is he just seeing visions while unconscious?
Life sucks for him if it's the former.
1707939
Don't want to spoil anything.
Just this. There is no time difference between Equestria and Earth. 
Nah. He's really in Equestria, but his visions are from his life and what his parents will do without him.
And for the time matter I can't reveal that now.
Dragon
I like it so far
but:
"Soon I found a dirt road and decided that it would be better not to be too bald, so I kept a distance to it."
I think you mean bold, not bald
1713783
Extreme faceground!
Oooooooh!
Thanks for pointing that out.
Aaaand you like it!
Edit: Mistake fixed.
Dragon
I hope you update this soon, I want to read more
~N
1713815
Yeah. I'm in the next chapter already, but this one will be a hellwalk of text, because I have to strech out the story a bit so it adds up and you feel the lenght of time. *Spoiler* Need to give Robert some time. *Spoiler end* But be aware, that I'm a bit slow and have to write the next chapters for my other two stories too. EW already asked me to continue Nick's journey.
So be patient. I try to get them out asap but also decent.
Dragon
1713849 I'd rather wait a wile longer than read something rushed, so take your time.
Its just really intriguing
~N
1714104
And I think you'll maybe mildly surprised in one of the future chapters.
Yes, I love to be a tease.
Dragon
Interesting....I am enjoying, my friend
Awesome chapter, hope to see moar
2139299
Glad you like it, but I'm writing on two other fics and am going to get out the next chapter of my other two stories I have already here, so it will take some time. By the way I'm a bit slow as it is for now. School and stuff. Sorry bout that.
Dragon
I have a feeling that this story will end up on my list of favorites. I really hope I'm not disappointed...
4279754
Damn. Now I have to make this story worthwhile.
*cracks knuckles*
Alrighty then. This will be one hell of a ride.
Dragon
4281907
Oh, why thank you.
Dragon
Will this be continued?
4282925
Sure. Just not frequently, but when I can get something out.
Still have some other stories to write and real life interfering here and there, but I'll continue it.
Dragon
4282973
Awesome! :D
Didn't know you responded to my other comment. Completely forgot about it too. I'll be waiting.
4283063
And I hope I won't make you wait too long.
Dragon
4283322
Well, as previously said, don't rush it. Quality > speed, in this case.
Ok. Interesting story idea but I would like to make some recommendations.
-“Hey Colgate, we’re reaching Ponyville soon. I think we should watch out now. It’s dangerous to carry such a creature through the town, hoping that nopony will notice the glow of my horn as I keep it in place. What do you think should we do about that?” Lyra asked with a frown forming on her face.-
This kind of writing is rather ‘clunky’ and very ‘tell’ rather than ‘show’.
Here is an example of what you could do.
---
The mint green unicorn stopped in the middle of the trail as a sudden thought occurred to her.
“Hey Colgate,” said Lyra, gaining her partners attention. “We’ll be in town soon. Don’t you think it might be a bad idea to just carry a weird creature around?” Lyra asked with a frown forming on her face.
Colgate stopped to regard her friend with a single raised eyebrow. She took a moment to consider it before shifting her ‘passenger’ and continuing down the path toward the oncoming town.
Lyra quickly trotted to catch up. “I mean. If we don’t know what it is, chances are nopony else will either. What if somepony panics?” The growing concern showed plainly as her ears folded against her head. “I don’t want our first impression on ponyville to be ‘those mares that caused mass terror’.”
---
You will note that I added a BUNCH of little details to give the reader an idea of what was going on in the scene rather than simply tell them what is going on, or worse have a character 'tell' them. As the pro writers say ‘paint a picture with words’.
I honestly would do quite a few things differently to change the 'flow' of the storyline, but this is YOUR story and you should feel free to tell it however you like, so I will avoid making those recommendations and stick to giving little examples of how you might write things differently.
My biggest recommendation would be to read more fanfics. Not just ANY fanfic, but some of the more popular ones (which generally tend to be well written). You might also consider reading actual published stories to get an idea how the ‘pros’ do it.
Also, read this http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html
There are quite a few other things in this story that nag at me. One of which is the common “it’s injured, lets not treat it” mentality that I find in many fanfics.
A member of any branch of military, law enforcement, or public services would likely react to an injured person (and I consider any of the sapient species in Equestria as ‘people’) by trying to render first aid and immediately bringing them to a medical professional.
They find what they strongly suspect is a ‘person’ in need of medical attention and they just carry its bleeding body to their house, then lay it somewhere to die.
Good going.(sarcasm)
Might as well have left it in the ditch on the side of the road.
Other things to consider.
If he was bleeding that much, why isn’t her coat covered in blood?
Why is there no blood trail? If you have ever had a nosebleed you know you leave little drops of blood behind you if you go anywhere.
Wouldn’t someone notice that?
---
And a bit of help with some other stuff.
“He said it would be a brown house with white windshields on the windows and a roof made of hay, but there is no such building here in town.”
Windshields are on cars (Not a windscreen! ... I don’t care what the british try to tell you). The things on house windows are called “Shutters”.
A roof made of hay is a “Thatch Roof”.
--
Hope this helps.
4984264
Thanks man. This really helps a lot. And I'm a bit ashamed about the shutters and the thatch roof.
For the bleeding and the no treatment. I had it more in mind that while he rolled down through the trees he suffered mostly beatings from the trunks and branches he collided with and just minor cuts which didn't bleed so much it would leave a trail.
And after the Everfree I had levitation going. So no blood trail either.
About the bad description. This is a learning progress story. I have no editors or proof readers and everything that is written here is entirely my fault. I'm learning and bettering myself throughout the process and everybody can see if I'm doing better or not.
So in this light, I won't correct such flaws and let them stand, but will take your recommendations to heart and try to do better in the next chapter.
Thank you for your constructive criticism and have a nice day.
Dragon