As the light of his life begins to fade away, Carrot Cake stays by her side. But when the end is in sight, what can he say, what can he do, to show that his love is strong?
Image was done by ParadigmPizza on DeviantArt.
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nerothewizard
Joined 13th Feb, 2012 ·
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Normally I would put some sort of clever "feels" image or gif here, but I feel that would take away from people who want to comment earnestly. It's both a beautiful and tragic tale of a loving husband spending the final moments with his wife... and I can't undermine your efforts like that. Good work.
You know I don't think I've ever read a sad story revolving around the Cakes and considering the date you uploaded this I think you really taped into the spirit of this country, good job my friend.
Warning: to those reading this for the first time, this comment contains heavy spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
Before I say anything, I'll just clarify that these are my opinions. You may take them any way you wish. also note that things I point out are not meant to discourage you in any way.
I find this to be a short-yet-enjoyable story. I thought the plot was well done, the characterizations were good, and the overall atmosphere was good. There was both a sense of dread and optimism throughout, and I thought that was well done.
The story of Cup and Carrot Cake's relationship from Carrot's POV was very-well done. Your overall tone, having the story being told to us in an objective point-of-view with some emotion in there really allowed us to see how their relationship was, and I thought that was excellent. His reminiscing about Cup's condition was very good, since he did so without unnecessary descriptions. Very well done.
For the most part, the story flowed very well. You had the beginning to describe how they got to be where they are, and then the end to focus on their final moment. Again, very well done.
There were a few things I must complain about, though. First, there were two things in one paragraph that stuck out at me as a problem:
1. I think you meant "I came so close to breaking down, but I didn't know why at first".
2. It made no sense, but he knew? That's contradictory. It's told in his point-of-view, so it either completely makes sense to him or it doesn't. I don't understand this part.
Second, I believe the pacing of the story was thrown off just a tiny bit. Everything you had as backstory was how Cup Cake suffered, and then accepted her fate. That was fine. Then you described the current situation where Cup Cake and Carrot Cake are in bed, and you describe how she looks. This is also fine. And then you describe Pinkie Pie in the other room. Again, that's fine.
But then you talk about Pound and Pumpkin Cake visiting two days ago. You had this past tense moment stuck right in the middle of this moment with Cup Cake and Carrot Cake and, although I understand that may be a stray thought entering his mind, it throws the story off a bit. Paragraph-by-paragraph, this is how your story played out: backstory-backstory-backstory-backstory-backstory-backstory-present-present-past-present-present-present-present-present-present. Having that past thrown into the present throws it off for me. I think, after talking about accepting her fate, moving the Pound and Pumpkin Cake paragraph after that one would help the story flow better; that way, we can focus completely on Cup Cake and Carrot Cake's final moment.
Third, I think you overused commas. Granted, I don't recall them being used incorrectly, but you had a whole lot. That many stops kinda slowed down the work unnecessarily, methinks.
Overall, though, I enjoyed it. Your characterization was excellent, your atmosphere was excellent, and your plot was excellent. I do feel like fixing those errors, and cutting back on the commas, would greatly benefit this story. Overall, I've given this story its third like, and I'll be favoriting it.
I wish you the best of your talents with your other stories!
1257785 Thank you, most sincerely.
1258379 I assure you, the upload date was entirely coincidental, but thank you for the sentiment.
1258392 Thanks for the thorough review! Those are the type I like to see. As for your points, I'll address them one by one.
1) I wasn't especially happy with how I expressed his thoughts in that paragraph either, but I wasn't sure how to fix that at the time. Now that it's not four o'clock in the morning, I've revised it to better express his shifting perspective.
2) Actually, both the paragraphs about Pinkie and the Cake twins address the past, considering that he flashes back to when he found her crying. I feel that the flow of the story isn't interrupted by his brief references to earlier events, and I don't think it really takes anything away from their shared moment.
3) Some people accuse me of being comma-happy, but honestly, if a situation requires a comma, then darn it, I'm going to use a comma. (See previous sentence for a prime example.) Especially in a first-person POV where thoughts flow a little more freely, commas are often necessary, and I don't believe any of mine were used excessively.
Also, thanks for the spoiler alert warning; I've read far too many comments that gave away key points before I had a chance to read about them. Again, thank you very much for the review!
1258865 Now that I've finally gotten back to my precious computer (
), lemme respond to your response. 
1. I saw the changes you made. Thank you.
2. We'll have to agree to disagree on that.
3. If it's your style, and other people don't complain about it, then alrighty then.
Thank you for taking the comment maturely.
1261295 I was going to respond with "ZOMG Y U NO LIEK STORRY I ARE NEVAR RITE ANYTHING EVAR AGAIN AAAAAAAAAARGH" but figured that a civilized approach might yield more positive results.
1262117
Okay, I gotta watch you. You interest me.
Gosh, I really hope you were joking about that.
1262126 Don't worry, Sweetie Belle...I was. And a sincere thank you for the watch!
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/225/378/sweetie%20belle%20that%20is%20beautiful.jpg
I usually avoid sad fics, but damn....that truly was beautiful. My grandfather dyed of cancer when I was 7 or 8. This truly was beautiful......
This was very moving.
I almost shed a tear. So far, no work of fiction has ever made me cry, but the most moving ones, which are only a few, managed to wet my eyes a bit. Your story has done it too. Good job.
1496972 Then I have done what I set out to do. Thank you for the read!
**** there was the sound of my heart breaking. Oh my gosh... This is so much more emotional simply because I'm writing a story about them young...
This is beautiful, albiet heartwrenching. I'm defintely giving this a positive review
Excuse me for a moment. My face is leaking. Ahem. *Sniff*
But all joking aside, that was beautiful. I just cant stop the tears streaming down my face. Well done for making me cry.