i am a crazy pony. pinkie pie's cupcakes are yummy!
Ash Ketchum, a ten year old boy finds himself in Ponyville, after falling through a portal. after several Pokemon follow him through the portal, He and Fluttershy must travel across Equestria to get the wild pokemon back to his universe, while his rival, Gary Oak wants to let them destroy Equestria, or does he? (This is my first fanfict, so that's why it's so shitty)
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is it any good?
"Gary Oak wants to let them destroy Equestria."
Gary may be a dick, but he's not evil.
1229862 yes make it Cyrus that is more his thing than anyone else
ok, sure.
there, now Gary isn't evil. he's just a henchmen. now, a question. who is the better ship? AshxGary, or AshxFluttershy...
I will attempt to break the fourth wall a lot better next chapter, and in my Puella Magi one!
SPOILER ALERT!!!
((The author has requested critique, and I am providing it.))
((EDIT: This ended up pretty harsh... going to cut it short so the author can either re-write or clarify what they want from me.))
-Ok, disclaimer time: This cross-over sounds difficult to do well, and the ratio of thumbs seems to indicate you didn't do it well. That said, what else am I here for if not to be one aspect of your potential improvement? And my own style does run to taking horrible-sound ideas and twisting them into pretzels to defy the expectations of the basic ideas and make them fresh and new I should be well suited to this in some ways.
He continued wandering around his small town.
-There is no need I can see to advance time like this. Nothing has happened so saying he continued is pointless. I could see you being tempted to ensure that the reader feels some level of the bordom that he does, but trust me, it is risky idea, and definitely NOT something for the start of the story. Story starts are where you need to grab the reader. For instance my stories SEEM to start, respectively, with a hostile creature appearing out of nowhere on the highest tower of Canterlot Castle, and with Big MacIntosh smiling in contentment about having stabbed Fluttershy to death as he cradles her corpse to him. Now granted, these are "not everything is as it seems" starts, but at least they should encourage the reader to keep going. Consider having him start in the middle of a thunderstorm, as Pikachu successfully polarizes himself to cause a bolt of lightning from a cloud to strike him for no damage. Describe it in vivid language, and then have Ash find an empty feeling inside as he wonders what to do next since the next tournament opportunity isn't for a while, and he was expecting to have to spend weeks of training for them to pull off that feat. I have no idea if that works with Pokemon, but maybe it will get your mind moving.
Suddenly, an odd, rainbow-coloured whirlpool opened up in the ground. Ash was curious to see where the portal would lead.
-Oh good-grief... this is horrible. I bet you aren't even going to hint at where the portal came from? Such things don't seem to be native to the Pokemon setting from what I know. Excluse plots are fine, but they need to HAVE an excuse, rather than being, if you will allow the play on words, inexcusable. Does he have his Pokeballs with him? Is he going to run home and get Pikachu? Contact Professor Oak or someone who actually stands a chance of understanding this thing? This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but: Do you have any idea how dangerous random portals could be? Even moving a long way could send you flying at 100 mph or something if momentum is conserved due to the speed and local direction of the planet's surface varying. Interdimensional travel is a absolute nightmare from an epidemiological POV (if the germs aren't close enough to infect you, then the atmosphere might not be close enough for you to breath, and the food almost certainly is no good for you). And that isn't even getting into the possibility of anti-matter, in which case the air explodes probably makes Hiroshima look like a modestly sized barbeque grill with the energy release (not that there is much you can do about that with a spontanious portal other than not breech it in case it requires force to actually transmit anything with mass).
He threw a fairly big rock in the portal, and listened to see what would happen.
-WOW! That is actually vaguely intelligent of him! There may be hope for this story yet. Horribly bad idea on his part, but that is realistic given his age, and it is better than jumping though it. Also, how does he know it is a portal? Are whirl-pool portals common in that world? You didn't mention him being able to see anything through it.
so without thinking, he recklessly jumped into the rainbow whirlpool.
-Right... change this so he doesn't think of this as being a portal until he hears the voice. Also, some internal thought would be better here... in fact, doing a lot of this stuff as internal monologue in his head would make it more "show, don't tell". Make sure the monologue sounds natural, rather than stilted.
twist and change.
-AARRGH!!! Spontanious ponification for no reason that is likely to ever be adequately explored? The cliche and pointlessness burn! Of course, you COULD pull this out with sufficient arcanobabble (like Star-Trek technobabble, but for magic rather than futuristic technology). Otherwise, just keep him as a human, and have Twilight examine him six ways to Sunday, unless you have some crisis come up, in which case she should be lammenting the fact that she can't take the time to do so. Of course, maybe you will be original enough that he won't come out anywhere near Ponyville and will only meet background characters, but I honestly I am not getting my hopes up. At least ponification means he will probably not be capturing ponies in Pokeballs (but maybe stuff like Timberwolves?).
and all of his clothes vanished, except his hat.
-Ok, this just underlines the lack of any sort of logic with things. I mean having clothing meld into transformations is a staple of fantasy, but mostly so you don't get adventurers without their vital equipment, or people in general ending up naked every third scene. Have him get tangled up in his clothing if you insist on keeping the ponification (which with three chapters out you might want to go ahead and do).
He was becoming a pony.
-Don't belabor the obvious. If you must do something along these lines, have his pain-wracked mind focusing innanely on where the ponyta(s)* suddenly came from or maybe even why he is now a ponyta.
*Or whatever that Pokemon is called.
-((So, yeah.,.. can't tell if I am just in a foul mood, or if this really is the best way of approaching this story. Stopping here for the author's thoughts.))
1245232 Thanks for the criticizim. I'd rather have an honest critique who will rip the bandaid off, rather than a dishonest one who would say it was incredible when it was only slightly better than a trollfic. I will get started on editing it, and i appreciate the harsh criticisim. You're right, the lack of subtely makes it like I was trying to beat the readers over the head with a bat, rather than letting the readers figure it out by themselves. I am sorry for letting my story piss you off, I will apply your advice in the story. I hope the other chapters are slightly better, but even so, will fix them up too.
1245365
It wasn't hard for me to read. I only needed to read two paragraphs of it after all. I just wondered if my pre-existing bad mood might be making me phrase things in a less than diplomatic way, rather than achieving both diplomacy and accuracy... or if you would prefer a bit more "kid gloves". For example the bit about "The cliche and pointlessness burn!" was more for purposes of communication than my actually finding it that much of a burden to read. Good to know you don't want "kid gloves" and I hope I gave you enough that you won't be going through TOO many more iterations on your path to polishing this story.