- Member Since 11th Feb, 2021
- offline last seen Jan 28th, 2022
Sub0-82
Not much to say. Go with shy....that works best....
Sub0-82
Joined 11th Feb, 2021 ·
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Please, proofread your story description.
You know there is a problem when 'from' replaces 'for' and 'sever' is used insted of 'serve'. Some of the sentences clearly do not work.
Check the grammar and word order. keep sentences simple until you are confident that you can make a long, complex ones.
10686311
Well edit the description. Beside getting a general idea at what you’re trying to say. I’m not sure what the problem was beside “doesn’t work”.
Only thing I thought was weird was one line going on for to long.
Think it called “run-along” sentence, when a sentence needs to be broken down in 2 parts. Had to break up several in the main story, that felt off to me.
“For” and “from”? Those were used right I believed, if you don’t count the line going on.
I don’t know all the rules in grammar so I’ll make mistakes or overlook poorly written lines. But I do appreciate all constructive feed back to learn why I messed up, or when I make mistakes. Just quote the mistake pointing out why it’s wrong helps, if it isn’t a simple typo.
10686484
You might want to look at this one again. Like... Who was introduced or were introduced? Also, what are you trying to say about cultural exchange? Was it started? Initiated? Failed? Words are simply missing.
'Being' is a weird word to use here. "I'm being nice" means "I'm behaving like I'm nice right now". I think you meant to say that Twilight and Abedi were introduced.
There are jumps between tenses. Compare 'Prince Abedi visited' (Past Simple) vs. 'learns the trouble' (Present Simple)
Using dashes instead of words is ill-advisable when writing fiction. Not to mention that '/' is often used instead of 'or' while you clearly should've used 'and'. Zecora is a childhood friend and a shaman at the same time.
1. Twilight is referred to as 'goddess' in one sentence and goddess in another one. Quotes around the word make a big difference in this case.
2. It's another tense jump: this sentence is in Present, but story description started in Past Simple. Also, why use 'she has done' instead of 'she did'? What's the reason?
3. Second sentence doesn't stand on it's own, it was just chopped off the end of the first one. When using English try following it's rules on sentences. You know master Yoda from Star Wars? He is well-known because he messes up the word order all the time.
English isn't my first language, and I can tell you that things that work well in Russian are considered not good in English. The 'default' way of making the second sentence work (if I was using Present Simple) would be: 'An ally of the goddess joins them for the night ahead'.
10687023
Well now that I see what your talking about and the problems with it. It’s a lot easier knowing what’s the problem so I can fix the issue when possible.
Tried to keep it simple just for contexts on how the 2 meet really but, I can see how it needs work. Least to clear up the story’s intro.
I know I’m not doing the best but, nice little hobby I’m trying to expand. The “/“ while lazy more just slang used around here. Yes have had it used a few times when talking with coworkers or describing something. Now just got to rewrite the description again I guess. Honestly hated my English classes when going to school. Mostly hated having to write in class with my poor excuse of writing legible on paper.
But thanks for clearing up why it didn’t work again. Take care