- Member Since 11th Feb, 2021
- offline last seen Jan 28th, 2022
Sub0-82
Not much to say. Go with shy....that works best....
Sub0-82
Joined 11th Feb, 2021 ·
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That is not M/F
That implies Male predator, Female prey
Good story
nice written version of the comic this is most definitely inspired by (you know the one)
10676040
Always thought M/F could imply the gender for when 2 characters having sex not just for Vore as seen on other stories? Unless I’m mistaken that it’s not implied then
10676044
I sure we do. Figure I go with my own twist since I rather not copy someone else art work without permission. Besides mostly getting my feet wet I guess seeing what others think.
I actually have small list of ideas with other characters (mostly milf) but, really curious how I did trying to...present. Anything missed or criticism is appropriated to further expand this little hobby.
Awkward is all I can doing the sex between everyone
I thought all the downvotes were for the subject matter. It turns out the writing is just very rough.
By the way, I think this could use a 'Dark' tag. Eating ponies alive is no joke.
This is a killer of a first sentence. It's a disaster. A word is missing.
We know how Twilight Velvet looks. And even if we don't, does it matter? No. Nothing changes if her coat is, for some reason, black. If she had her mane destroyed (like Rarity in that one episode) it would be a chance for a character moment. Her 'everyday' look is just that. If you wanted to talk about her looks, you should make it interesting for the reader (by talking about her dramatically, for example). Make it matter for the story (to showcase the other ponies interest in Velvet, for example).
Oddly detailed descriptions don't work because most of the time they are very, very boring to read.
A clear example of 'show, don't tell' rule being violated. This is something Velvet can discuss with Rose as part of their 'small talk'. That would be a much better way to deliver exposition to the reader.
Do we care where the clock is? No, because it doesn't matter. Also, the book doesn't matter. At least the type of the clock helps to get a feel for the scene a little (what kind of house we are in).
Very sudden shift from talking about the career to personal matters. It's unnatural, as it seems Velvet and Rose don't know each other all that well.
Meta terms. Never use them, unless you are going for that kind of humor. Use of such terms destroys immersion.
It shows. 1 hour is a breakneck speed. You might get a first draft of a short story, but then comes the editing part. The part where you cut off all that is unnecesary, 'kill all your darlings', smooth out the kinks in your writing. As it is, the text is rough, and therefore most people won't bother finishing the story. Simply because they are readers, not editors.