• Member Since 3rd May, 2016
  • offline last seen May 1st

SymphonicSync


I have no idea what I am doing.

E

Pepperpot's talent has gotten her many things in life. A stable job, a nice house, plenty of travel time and respect, but it hasn't done much to help her feelings of aimlessness. And it certainly isn't helping her figure out Zaida.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 9 )

So right away, I’m noticing that you have hiccups with formatting narration and dialogue. Thankfully, they’re all things that you can easily fix and take into new stories.

Ten seconds had passed. The mortars would soon reach their mark. He turned to hi-“Peps”

A new character is speaking, which means you need a new paragraph. Here, this new character’s dialogue is smooshed up against where the narration is cut off, and there’s no space.

“Your train leaves in ten minutes, Cap.” the rocin grumbled before walking away, saying something about her getting caught up in the game under his breath.

When you have said tags like this, your periods change to commas. Question marks and exclamation points stay the same.

"Why hello there, miss hurry mare." a voice rhymed from above.

This is the same kind of error from the last chapter, though there is something new here to fix too. Miss should be capitalized since it refers to the gendered title. Hurrying mare (or more precisely Hurrying Mare because of how you’re using it) would be a better fit for word choice.

With a bow, he swung a hoof towards the door. "It'd be my pleasure, miss?"

This would work better as two sentences. One where he expresses politeness, the other where he asks her name.

10637067
Good luck! I look forward to seeing where this goes.

"Goodnight, Pepper pots."

His name should be one word.

10792336
See, this sort of thing happens on my phone. I really shouldn't write on it. Also, she's a mare.

10792634
Okay whoops. I didn't mean to accidentally misgender the horse.

10792728
No worries, you won't be the last.

Edit: It's that strong, masculine jaw of her's and how the armorer keeps giving her the Male pattern helmet.

It's not even a mistake, he knows. He has to fit it to her size and everything.

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