" Me o tojireba Final". That was what young Rainbow Dash was thinking as she layed on the cold hard ground. Feeling nothing but pain and dizziness. See what she went through on her Final moments alive. This was what she thought.
" me o tojireba Final" is japanese for " When i close my eyes, It's The Final" And the lyrics come from the japanese song called " Higurashi Chikai" One of my favorite songs.
I thought of this while i was at school, eating a mini corn dog and eating homemade cookies.
Chapters (2)
Wait... father? Did you make RD a guy?
In all, I didn't think it was bad, just rushed, particularly Dash's concern that everypony hates her because of this storm. How did that happen? How long has this storm been going on? Did Celestia tell Dash she was a flower from hell (that's what it seems like to me)? Why was she doing that instead of, say, stopping the storm from destroying everything? Sorry, I'm getting off-topic. It's hard for me to feel Dash's pain when the reasoning behind it is so under-explained. The story's not even a thousand words long, and adding a few more of these details will help flesh it out and make Dash's concerns more relatable.
On that topic, your Dash comes off as a bit Mary Sue-ish, particularly with Twi's confession of love. As awesome as she is, I don't think she's capable of creating unstoppable storms of death all by herself (which is what I take away from the little background you give). Yeah, Twi calls her egotistic, but even that is presented as desirable, not as a weakness. And she does have weaknesses. Everyone does. Bringing those out a little will make your Dash more interesting.
By the way, this is cheating. Write more story, not a mini-blog.
tahts jsut so kawaii, ranebow dsah
1209932 No, Beacuse they are both mares, And they were having children, Rainbow would be expected to be the "Father" even though she is a mare. and throughout the story, it does say "she". besides, i don't like the idea of genderbending at all. Well as for the storm, things happen, i might edit it and chage it up a bit, but seeing as it could actually happen, with it being Rainbow, Much like Pinkie, don't question her logic. She's like Pinkie when she breaks the fourth wall and stuff. She doesn't need to have her logic questioned on how things she does happen, i have come to realize that as i watch the show over and over. i have tried but i do these things while i have a big case of writers block. It used to be 1,000 or more words. But i am just thanking my awsome editor for pre-reading this and then pointing out all the errors. And the story is as long as i want it to be. I am actually trying to finish my story A Darkend Rainbow with my day off of school due to a special holiday.
So guess what? You're awesome, and I loved this story.
1225474 Thanks, but the reason this story is now, is because of my awsome pre-reader. In the seconed thing after the first chapter, his username for the website in there, go and take a peek at his work, it's long but amazing!
1209936 How is this cheating? i waited almost a week to submit this but it was that long beacuse i was waiting to see if it was worth submitting but my awsome editor confirmed that after he helped me with it!
1237246 I'm glad you told the story you wanted to, but without any explanation as to how Dash caused the disaster, it was hard for me to connect with her emotionally. Since this story seems to be built around her emotions, I saw it as a significant problem. As for the cheating comment, I was probably too harsh with that, and I apologize.
You know, now that I think about it, what I think would really help is spending more time on Dash's emotions as she tries to escape the storm. There's only a few lines of it before she gets hit and starts thinking about her death. That might make it more powerful and easier for the audience to connect to.
On the subject of pony logic... well, we're talking about talking cartoon ponies, so yeah, logic sometimes goes out the window.
1209932
I am currently working on a extra chapter explaning on how this all happened.
As for the storm, That is a tough one i am thinking about it really hard but i know it might just be done and ready to post by Halloween if not Thanksgiving at the latest maybe before the Holidays.