Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry

by TheMortalSlab

Chapter 2: Dragonbreath Is Super-Effective... But Not In a Good Way

I apologize for the hesitation in posting this chapter, but the Illuminati has had my balls in a vice for the last month, wanting this treaty for blah-blah gay sex blah-blah congress. Please enjoy another splash of stupidity by yours truly, and be sure to have a slice of red velvet cake nearby; you’ll need it.

Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry

Chapter 2: Dragonbreath Is Super Effective… But Not In a Good Way

I scoured through town, hoping to find some old forgotten wor- I mean, hoping to find the purple beings that were my ticket out of this pleasant hell. I approached the town’s bazaar, and proceeded to hassle as many of the stand owners as possible. The first I came across was a flower stand, manned (or mared) by a young, rather cute mare with a cream coat and a mane expressing different shades of raspberry. I took over the end of the line, just behind a muscular white stallion with miniature wings, and a pink mare with a lime-green mane.

As I idly admired the modest scenery, I suddenly hear a “YEEEAH!” from the front of the line. The mare and I jumped in surprise, and she became slightly agitated.

“Rose, can you pick it up a little bit? Some of us have groceries to buy!” she yelled, standing on her back legs with her fronts flailing in the air. She struck me in the eye, and I yelped in pain momentarily.

She turned around and gasped “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry, sir! I didn’t know anyone was behind me!” She closed the distance hesitantly, and attempted to make light of the fact that she practically blinded me. “Are you ok? Are you hurt?”

No, of course not, dumb bitch. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.” I answered, violently caressing my eye. “Is your hoof ok?” I asked with a singe of sarcasm.

“Oh, it’s fine. Are you sure you’re alright? I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.” She said, softly caressing my cheek.

“It’s all good. I take it you’re in a bit of a hurry?” I say with a very empty tone.

“Oh, right…” she looked down and blushed. “Well, yeah. I’ve got a lot more things to pick up before the afternoon. This is only my third stop today; I’ve got another ten stops before I’m done! My legs are gonna be jelly by then!” She raised her hoof to imitate the gelatinous motion. The gray stallion behind me stuck his face inches away from her hoof. She “eeped” as she jerked her hoof back and groaned, “Hugh, please don’t do that.”

I turned to look at the creepiest smile I’ve ever seen; the pure, soulless aura surrounding this individual was a type I hope was never exposed to my imaginary children ever again. I expressed a look of disgust, and turned back to the dumbass that scratched my eye.

“So what’s your name?” She asked, tilting her head with a soft smile.

“Uhh, Vibes. You?”

“My name’s Daisy, nice to meet you!” She extended her hoof, and I weakly shook it.

“Same.” I responded flatly. “So I take it you know the mare that runs this stand?”

“Oh yeah, her name’s Rose, she’s one of my housemates. She runs the floral shop here in Ponyville. I take it you’re new here?”

“Yeah, I’ve just rolled into town.” I answered with a smirk, reminiscing about my previous teasing of a certain orange farmhoof. “More like ‘trolled’.” I said under my breath.

“I’m sorry?” She said as she cocked a brow.

“Hmm? Oh, nothing. So, what do you do for a living?” I ask, hoping to drive this mundane small-talk into the Troll River.

“Oh, I mainly sell herbs, as well as garden on the weekends. It’s pretty tough sometimes, but it’s worth it! What about you? I’ve never seen a cutie mark like that before.” She said, eyeing my gorgeous plot.

“It’s a Vibraharp.” I said, eyeing my own flawless design.

“A what?”

“Eh, it’s nothing.” I noticed how annoying her mane looked as the sun increased its radiance. “Your mane is quite vibrant.”

“Oh, thank you.” She blushed and giggled. “You’re not half-bad looking yourself.”

She’s just doing my job for me, isn’t she?

“Oh, well, I mean, uh…” I pretended to stammer, reeling her in with my guard seemingly down.

“Heehee, you should see the look on your face! Well, I am flattered, but I regret to inform you that I’m already taken.” She made a fake pouty-face, and shot me a look as if realization took a dump on her Sunday dress. She shot a look to her friend, then back at me. “However, my friend Rose is available. You seem like you’d be just her type! Kind, caring, not to mention easy on the eyes.” She said softly, with a seductive look in her eyes.

“Oh, well, I don’t know about that. I don’t want to impose.” I spoke shyly.

“Nonsense! Just make some small talk with her! Hmm, let’s see… Oh! Her favorite band is the Legendary Stardust Cowboy, her favorite food is… ravioli! Her favorite color is magenta, and her favorite movie is August Underground! That should be enough to work with!”

Though I appreciated the tools she gave me, I chose to take things in a different direction. Daisy quickly shoved me to the front of the line, almost through the stand itself.

“Hey Rose!” She cheerily exclaimed. “Have you met my friend Vibes?”

According to the look Rose gave her friend, this wasn’t the first time she tried to pawn a random stallion on her. Daisy “squeed” and bolted down the road, leaving the two of us alone.

“I’m sorry about her,” Rose began, “she does this kind of thing all the time.”

“Oh it’s fine.” I replied. “I honestly don’t know why, though.”

She raised her brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I just mean I don’t see how she’d think you need an outside source to help you with… courting.” I decided to let the boa of honesty slowly wrap her in my clutches.

“But what… what is that supposed to mean?” she asked, slightly blushing.

“Well, you’re quite pretty, and I can’t imagine your personality is a problem.” I began, “Is it just an ‘independence’ thing, or are you just waiting for Mr. Right?”

“Well, I mean… not particularly… it’s just… I mean…” her demeanor reminded me of another shy pony, one whose sheer cuteness would intangibly give me diabeetus if I played my cards wrong.

I chuckled and responded, “It’s fine if you’re not comfortable sharing that with me. We did just meet, after all.”

“Heh heh, yeah…” she mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck. “Anyways, I’m sorry, were you interested in purchasing any flowers today?”

Thankfully, I scouted the stand beforehoof, and identified the top-shelf flowers before my opportunity to inconvenience her. “Actually, I was wondering if you had any Gypsophila?”

She was visibly taken back by my question. “Wow, I’ve never heard anyone call it by its proper name before!” Her enthusiasm quickly led to embarrassment, as she regained her Fluttershy composure. “Um, yeah, I think we have some. Just let me get it for you.” She pulled out a stepstool with her teeth, and began climbing. One of her legs slipped off and she jerked back a bit.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” I asked.

“No no, I’ve got it.” She said softly. She made her way up, and began to reach for the Gypsophila. I had to keep myself from laughing at her imbalance on the poor stool. She got up on one leg to try and snatch it swiftly.

I quickly scanned the area, and saw that no one was around. I thought I’d give my horn a test-drive, and tried to knock over the stool. Thankfully, I was very reserved about it, because I damn near broke the stool in half. She started screaming as she lost balance, and fell towards the ground.

She shut her eyes, expecting to get to second base with Mother Earth. Her groins, however, would feel no such satisfaction, as I rushed over and caught her in my strong forehooves. She gently opened her eyes, and stared at me longingly for a few minutes (about two minutes). She wouldn’t say anything, which automatically made the situation more awkward. I felt that we weren’t alone, as I looked up and noticed a stubby purple reptile staring at the situation that had just unfolded.

“Oh snap!” I exclaimed, as I dropped Rose on her head. “Whoops, sorry, but I gotta go!” I rushed over to the dragon and she continued staring at me dreamily, limply waving goodbye.

“Whoa, how’d you do that?!” the young dragon asked eagerly.

“What, catch her? I just ran over…” I answered, as we began walking back into town.

“Not that! I mean how’d you get her to fall for you like that?” he asked with wide eyes.

“Oh that? I dunno, it just sort of… happens.”

“Do you think you can maybe… teach me?” the young dragon asked shyly.

“’Teach you’?” I cocked a brow at him, and he gave me a baby-like pouty-face.

“Pleeease?”

His cuteness was too much to bear; I already wasn’t looking forward to the aforementioned pegasus, but if I couldn’t even handle this, then I guess I’m bucked.

With a sigh, I responded, “Oh, alright.” He jumped in excitement and did a novice Japanese death march in celebration.

“Oh, I’m Spike, by the way. What’s your name?” he asked, extending his claw.

“Vibes.” I shook his claw, but not really, due to my lack of grip. He may as well have been servicing a stallion. I wonder how explorative his tongue is. Does he have two jimmies? My mind began to wander into the homosexual back room when Spike caught my attention.

“Anyway, the reason I ask is because there’s this mare I really like, and I get the feeling she doesn’t take me seriously.” Spike said, as he shuffled his feet (I’m calling them feet; if you’re gonna anthropomorphize somethin’, ya gotta do it right, dammit).

“Well, does she know you like her?”

“I’m pretty sure; I tried to tell her once, but she wouldn’t let me.”

“Hmm, well, is there any reason she might’ve stopped you from telling her?”

“Well, I mean, she’s a little bit older than me, and she’s a pony, obviously, but…” he trailed off as he heard a familiar laugh coming from the nearby café. He motioned for me to follow him, as we circled the corner. He poked his head over the other side, and jerked his head back a few moments (a couple moments) later, with tears in his eyes and an appalled look on his face.

I chose to get a good look for myself what was traumatizing my young comrade. I was hoping he was watching that inebriated mulberry mare becoming “liberated” from her undergarments outside of the sports pub. Unfortunately, his attention was clearly on the pair of white unicorns at the café. One had a distinguished mustache and monocle, and the other looked like a cheap hooker fashion model, complete with a big, silly mane and enough makeup to feed Africa for a month. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, as the stallion broke out this bitchin’ necklace with the word “MOTOWN” encrusted in diamonds, and gave it to the young mare. She gasped in excitement, and they embraced in a short, but passionate kiss.

I looked down at “mah drigga”, and he had already formed a comical puddle of tears, unable to comprehend what was unfolding yards in front of him. I put a hoof around him and consoled him the only way I knew how. “Sorry brah, that’s life.”

“How could she do that to me? What’d I ever do to deserve this?!” he screamed at the heavens.

“Hey dude, let’s just go relax, shall we?” I motioned for him to follow me, and he hesitantly obliged. We doubled back around to the sports pub, making sure the dynamic duo of horny ivory didn’t catch a glimpse of us. I slipped the stripping mare my number, and headed inside. We took a couple seats at the bar, and things started to wind down.

“Uh, Vibes, are you sure I should be in here?” the dragon asked nervously.

“I don’t see why not. We’re not breaking any rules. Anyways, it’s after six, so it’s acceptable.”

“What’s acceptable?” he asked.

“What’ll ya have?” the gruff barkeep asked, stereotypically washing out a cup with a dirty rag.

“I’ll have a large pitcher, dark, and my buddy here will have Red Bowl and vodka.” The bartender shot me a quizzical look.

“Dun’t look 18 to me.”

“He is. And anyways, he’s a dragon, it’s different.” I responded, shrugging.

“Good enough for me. Comin’ right up!”

Spike nudged me with his elbow and whispered, “I’m only 13. Are you sure this is ok?”

“Yeah man, don’t worry about it.” I answered casually.

6 Drinks Later…

“All I’m sayin’… is… th-you need to find a woman that makesss you happy.” I said as sternly as possible.

“But she does make me… me happy.” Spike answered, choking back vomit.

“But… tell me why you like her.”

“Uhh, have you SEEN her? She’s like, the hottest thing this side of hot!”

“Ok, she’s pretty. Cool, whatever, but why do you like her?”

“Well… I mean… she… she gives me gems all the time!”

“Gems that YOU dig up! That’s her way of using you without constriction or guilt.”

“Well… she… she compliments me all the time!”

“How so?”

“She… she tells me I look adorable!”

“So she still views you as a child. No, you’re right, she’s totally into you.”

“Well… sh-…” Our area fell silent for a solid minute (and a half).

Spike’s face was a strong mix of intoxication and revelation. A final look of horror on his face is what I saw before I heard him utter…

“I don’t know… I don’t know. I don’t know! I DON’T KNOW!!” he started shaking me in his euphoric trance.

“You don’t know what?!”

“Why I like her! I guess I just always thought she was pretty, and I let that make up for everything else!” he screamed inches away from my face.

This raucous behavior continued for a few more minutes (several minutes), and we left the pub, continuing to touch the topic of romance.

“I just don’t get it, man. Why don’t mares find me attractive?” the young dragon asked, leaning on me.

I caught a whiff of his breath, and to this day, I still dry-heave when I think about it. “I think it’s your breath, dude.”

He caught a whiff himself, and mirrored my reaction. “Ugh! That is straight-up nasty!”

I noticed a convenience store beaming the setting sun onto my face. “I’ll be right back.”

I returned with a couple packs of mint gum, and gave one to Spike. We both burned through our packs by the time we reached the next block, and continued talking about vaginas.

As we neared the library, he could hear screaming. He turned to where it came from, and began sprinting. I followed suit, and we soon came across a young white unicorn and a young pink unicorn yelling at one another. It was clear that the pink one was bullying the other, and if it wasn’t for my intoxicated state, I would’ve shouted their names.

“At least my parents didn’t pawn me onto my sister! Not even your parents want you around!” the pink unicorn said, giggling. The white one was in shambles, crying her innocent little eyes out. That’s when Spike chose to intervene.

“Think you’re cool, huh? Pickin’ on someone who only wants to be your friend?” he yelled at the pink bitch.

“Spike, no, you don’t have to-” the white unicorn began, but was cut off by Spike.

“It’s ok, Sweetie. Bitch has it comin’.”

“What? Here to save the ragged doll from the truth? Look at me, both parents, and I’m in as good of shape as ever!” Tiara responded smugly, shaking her girly-bits.

“I counsel dogs in better shape than you! Free jackin’ all around here like you’re Mick Jagger. Listen, why don't you go hustle on down to the soup kitchen, Mick?” Spike screamed at the fuzzy pink jerk.

“What?!?” She had no idea how to comprehend that statement. “Well, at least I know my parents. You don’t even have any!” she stated with a smirk.

Oh, kid. You just f**ked up real bad.

“AT LEAST I WASN’T AN ACCIDENT!” Spike rebutted at the top of his lungs. “Anything as bad as you has got to be an accident, no matter how badly your parents wanted a child! Imagine the first few years, they must’ve been so happy! Then you turned into this mistake I see before me, and I’m sure they count the days until you leave their lives for good! At least I have a family, a group of people that can tolerate my existence and enjoy my company! Your parents would’ve forgotten your BIRTHDAY this year if it wasn’t for Twilight’s assistance at the hospital!”

“W-w-what?” Tiara asked, verbally shaken.

“That’s right! Twilight assists at the local hospital on the weekends, mainly organizing files and bills. Your father came to us, asking if she could find your certificate details for JUST such a reason!”

“Th-th-th-that’s not t-true.” She weakly spoke, about to break down completely.

“Oh, and you know what else he mentioned, now that I think about it?” Spike began, chuckling, “he mentioned that YOU WERE A MISTAKE! They were expecting a COLT! Can you imagine how disappointed your father was? All those games of catch? All those sporting events? All those bonding memories? Didn’t happen, because instead of a loving, caring young colt, they got you, a worthless sack of self-loathing, hate-driven garbage! I may be the orphan dragon here, but YOU’RE the only monster I see!”

With that, the young filly promptly bolted home, wailing like an infant. Spike turned to the other filly. “You alright, Sweetie?”

She looked at him with a sense of awe and admiration. “I am now, Spike. Thank you so much!” She squeezed the young dragon with the strength of ill-minded affection.

“It’s no problem, Sweetie.” Spike said.

It was then that something caught Sweetie Belle’s nostrils. “Wow Spike, your breath… IS AMAZING!” She nuzzled his chest, as he looked back at me with a look of surprise.

I attempted to give him a “thumbs-up”, but I just looked stupid for a second (or two).

“Spike,” Sweetie began, “do you maybe… I don’t know… wanna… hang out sometime?”

A short pause gave Sweetie Belle a singe of discomfort. “There’s nothing I’d like more.” He answered gently.

With a quick gasp, she pecked his cheek, and ran towards the Boutique. Spike looked back at me in disbelief.

“Like I said, drigga. Good breath, good times.”

We parted ways, stating that we’d hang again tomorrow. As I got a hotel room for myself, I began to think…

You know, Twilight’s going to kill him when he gets home. Not only is he arriving after curfew, but he’s drunk! That means she probably won’t be doing any favors for me anytime soon. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to… “convince” her otherwise…

With that, I jumped in my bed and passed out.

Will Spike live long enough to see Chapter Three? Will Applejack ever find the hair tie I stole from her? Will Rose ever climb a stepstool again? Find out next time! Please R&R, or I’ll make a sandwich with wheat bread and force you to eat it! Also, the cheese will be cottage! MUHAHAHAHA!!!

Comments

[TheMortalSlab]

Driggaz In Ponyville

Yep. That, right there. And stuff. Jazz stuff.

[tajjetone]

That's okay. I know how the Illuminati can get sometimes.

What a bunch of uptight assholes.