Chapter 1: Transcending Boundaries / The Apple of My Nigh
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Because I know it’s an absolute fact that if I don’t point out that I own nothing in this story I’ll surely get sued by Hasbro, let me take this dire opportunity to let my hordes of loyal fans know that I own nothing in this story. Not even myself.
This is a truly unique story; I don’t think anyone’s ever thought to place themselves within the glorious fictional world we know as “Equestria,” and I believe that my vision will provide inspiration to authors of both the present and future. Please enjoy this thoroughly crafted masterpiece, and Faust bless.
Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry
Chapter 1: Transcending Boundaries / The Apple of My Nigh
I was lying on my poorly-kept bed, thoroughly enjoying everything the internet had to offer. I finally found a video that peaked my nightly interest, so I clicked it and began to make myself comfortable. Just as the climactic point was in sight, a white alicorn arose at the foot of my bed. “Just what do you think you’re doing, young human?” she asked sternly.
“GAAAH!!” I jerked up, frightened at the majestic creature that seemingly manifested out of nowhere. “Wh-wh-wh-”
“Truly your species is a peculiar one.” She stated, noticing my hand in an unusual spot. “But I digress, you’re needed in Equestria. I’m afraid an old foe has returned once more to cause torment to our kind, and we need a special form of magic. This magic has an unimaginable power, and contains a foreign aura that our adversary will surely find impassible. You are one of the few whom possess this unique magical skill, and we would be forever grateful for your assistance. Angus, it is now time for you to embark on your prophesied adventure. Will you please take my hoof?” She slowly brought her right hoof forward, as I had a mixed look of confusion and girlish excitement caked across my gorgeous face.
“B-but, how’d you find me!? What about my family? What about college? What about my girlfriend?” She gave me a skeptical look. “Oh fine, you got me, no girlfriend, but what about my finances? My social life? When will I come back? How is this even possible?” I frantically asked with my arms flailing in a “get out of my house” fashion.
“It is the only way.” She responded in a swift, low voice.
“Well… I suppose.” I moved my laptop off of my lap, and it suddenly became a BED-top. (Get it? Lol, I’m hilarious.) I then sat up and extended my left hand towards the majestic beauty.
She responded with a scrunched face, emanating slight disgust. “Um, perhaps your other hand would suffice?” I look down at my hand, realization slapping me in the face. How on Earth (or Equestria for that matter) could I present such an impure ligament to royalty of any nationality? I quickly shot my left hand down, and replaced it with my right hand. I slowly brought it forward until it was an inch away from her royal hoofwear. The next few seconds mirrored hours in terms of pressure and hesitation. With a final gulp, I grasped her hoof with moderate force, and was instantly blinded by a sudden light (revved up like a deuce, etc.) that filled my dingy basement.
I floated in a faux purgatory for what seemed like minutes, but was actually minutes. Not human minutes, but pony minutes. Pony minutes are very similar, but a pony minute is about 1.151 human minutes. This may seem an unusual concept, but believe me, it’s much worse. After several minutes, which was more like a few minutes, a sudden force pushed against my chest, and atmospheric gravity began taking its toll. I started cutting the wind as I blasted toward the ground at an unflappable speed. After a loud THUD! I made a nice indent into the earthy material. After a few minutes (now only about 2.5 minutes) I arose from my painful hammock. I started trotting arou-… “trotting”? That’s new. I scoped the area, and noticed a small lake to my right. I rushed over, and got a good look at myself.
What I saw absolutely astounded me; an orange unicorn with a slightly kept mane, a rugged beard, and a flawless chiseled face, much like the one I sported in the human realm. Out of curiosity, I moved my flank into view to see if I had the object of which every colt and filly desired; a cutie mark. My rump presented a pristine image; a late 1930’s Deagan Vibraharp. “Oh, makes sense.” I said to myself, shrugging.
I then sought it ideal to find someone to help me get situated. After aimlessly slumping around the dirt road, I noticed the census of apple trees continued to grow. Several minutes (a few minutes) later, I came across a large pink barn. “Goodie, ‘Hicktown’.” I said sarcastically to myself. Despite my distain for the now-labeled “southern accent,” I chose to approach the structure. I was soon stopped by a blonde earth pony.
“Howdy partner, what can I do ya fer?” I cringed on the inside.
“Oh, hehe, hi there. I’m afraid I’m a bit lost at the moment. Could you please tell me where I am?” I solemnly asked.
“Well, this here’s Sweet Apple Acres, sugarcube. Ponyville is that way, if that’s where yer headed.” She answered, pointing her well-toned hoof to the north.
“Ah, excellent! Thank you very much.” I said to the faux Texan, immediately turning to continue my unknown quest.
“Well, how ‘bout I tag along? I need to pick up some things in town anyways.” She asked as I began walking away. I turned around with a raised brow, and she jerked her head down. There was a slight blush on her face and her eyes glazed over the grass.
“Uh, sure, that’s fine.” I answered with an awkward hesitation. She tilted her head and smiled; her radiant natural beauty almost masked the fact that she was the spawn of a southern culture. With that unusual break of character, we started down the dirt road.
The scenery was absolutely breathtaking; the clouds blended with the midsummer sky, and the rural walkway mirrored a foliated wonderland. Blah blah, more scenic description masking the fact that this story has no real moral closure.
As I continued eyeing the area, I noticed in my peripheral that my orange companion was more focused on my handsome disposition. Whenever I looked in her general direction, she’d swiftly look elsewhere. After a while of this nonsense, I finally caught her looking at me. As if she was putting the blame on me, she quickly stated, “Ya know, ah never got yer name, sugarcube.” She shot me a smirk, basking in her resourceful passing of the buck, pun definitely intended.
“My name? Uuh…” My mind drifted to my glorious posterior for the sixth time today. “It’s, uh, ‘Vibes’.” I answered with a straight face.
“Vibes, huh? That’s nice. Name’s Applejack.” She said with her head lifted high.
“Applejack? Now I want some pancreas-killing cereal!” I said, licking my lips.
“What?” she responded, tilting her head and squinting her eyes.
“Oh, uh, it’s nothing.” I pulled out my phone and brought up my audio manipulator application. I began diddling away, as Applejack continued the conversation.
“So, where you from?”
“Uh… Coltlumbus?” I answered in the form of a question.
“Never heard of it.” She said, shrugging.
“Yeah, you wouldn’t have.” I responded in a “condescending hipster” fashion.
“What is that supposed to mean?” She furrowed her brow in annoyance. I then knew that trolling this young gal would be as simple as punching a baby with candy. I then took it upon myself to use my application at her expense. I began importing various episodes with an evil smirk on my face.
“Oh sorry, it’s just in an untouched area, more-or-less.” I answered, slightly shrugging. “So, what do you do for a living?” I decided to hide the fact that I knew quite a bit about her.
“Well, I work down at the farm, mainly bucking apples-”
“EXCUSE ME?!?” I mimicked extreme disgust with a horrified look on my face.
“AH!” She jumped, startled at my outburst. “What? Oh, I said ‘bucking apples’. I think you misheard.”
“Oh, good.” I sighed in false relief. “I couldn’t imagine such foul language coming from such a lovely young mare.”
“Aw shucks, sugarcube.” She hid under her hat with a heavy blush. “Now yer just butterin’ mah biscuits.”
The next several minutes (few minutes) held a comfortable silence. We finally reached the outskirts of the town, and worked our way into the innards of the populace.
“So where exactly are ya headed, partner?” She asked.
“Oh, well I was looking for Pri-”
“HIYA APPLEJACK!” a pink earth pony began hopping around the farmhoof and I. She also sported a saddle filled to the brim with an unknown substance.
“Well howdy, Pinkie Pah. What brings yah out o’ the shop at this hour?” she asked, pointing her hoof toward her filled saddlebag.
“Oh! Well, I’ve had the weirdest craving for soda today, so I went and bought some more from the store!” She continued her regimen of jumping in unparalleled excitement. Applejack and I looked at each other, obviously aware that soda and shaking don’t quite mix.
“More?” we asked in unison.
“Yeah! I drank all the soda at the shop, even the ones reserved for customers.” She said, twiddling her hooves in embarrassment. “So, who’s your friend, AJ?” She elbowed her in a suggestive fashion, eyeing me in adoration.
“Hi, the names Vibes.” I answered with a light smile.
With a loud gasp, she exclaimed “You must be new here! OOH! That means we’ll have to throw you a welcome party! What’s your favorite kind of cake?”
“Uuh, honestly, I’m just visiting for the day.” Her eyes grew wide and her bottom lip was trembling. I couldn’t handle this barrage of cuteness for much longer, so I finally caved in. “Though I suppose I’d be open to a ‘welcoming’ party. How does that sound?”
Her face lit up with excitement. “That sounds GREAT! Be at Sugarcube corner at 8 o’clock sharp! I’ll throw you a party you’ll never forget!” I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to the last statement, so I simply tilted my head and smiled. “Hey, could you guys come to the shop for a quick sec? There’s a new recipe I’ve been trying out and I want a second opinion. OH! Maybe you both can try it, and I’ll get a third opinion! If I can get Gummy to try it, I’ll have four opinions! Oh, but can Gummy talk? Maybe I can build a machine that can make him talk! OH! Maybe it’ll be so good that he will talk! Wouldn’t that be silly?” She fell to the ground for a short laughing fit while Applejack and I just stared at each other, unsure of how to handle the situation.
“Uh, I’m down with that. You?” I looked to Applejack.
“Yeah! Uh, I mean, uh… sure, I guess.” She shrugged, attempting mask her interest. Her undying love for me was both instantaneous and durable, as I would soon find out.
The three of us trotted over to Sugarcube Corner, a large gingerbread-house-like structure that was the town’s number one source for sweets and treats. We entered the building and were led to the counter. “You two wait here, I’ll be right back!” Pinkie exclaimed as she burst (sorry, BURS) into the kitchen.
“So, yah never did tell me what ya do fer a livin’.” Applejack said, resting her forelegs on the bar. “Ah’d try to guess by yer cutie mark, but honestly, ah’ve never seen anythin’ like it before. What is it?” She asked, eyeing my flank. (Don’t you just love the double-standards?)
“Oh, it’s a Vibraharp.” I said.
“Vibra-wha?” I suppose I’m a loser, even in this world.
“Vibraharp, it’s an early term for ‘vibraphone’. It’s like a xylophone, but tolerable.” I answered.
“Oh. So yer a musician?” she asked with slight interest.
“Yeah. Back in my universe I play-”
“Yer what?” Her cold emerald eyes were trying to break the truth out of me.
“Uuh…” My hyperactive saving grace emerged from the kitchen with two candied apples.
“Hiya guys! Thanks for waiting!” She placed the small tray on the bar in front of us. “Go ahead, give ‘em a try!”
“Eh, they look just like your regular candied apples. What’d you do differently?” Applejack asked, picking up her candied apple hesitantly.
“Well, I thought I’d try something new with ‘sweet and salty’! I mixed a small bit of chocolate and oregano into the caramel!” she exclaimed happily.
I became immediately interested, so I levitated the apple near my mouth and took a nice ‘CHOMP’ out of it. My mouth was blasted with flavors I didn’t even know existed. “Pinkie, this is amazing! How’d you ever think of it?”
“You just gotta have a little imagination, silly!” Pinkie said with a wink.
Applejack took a bite, and shared the same reaction. “Shoot Pinkie, this might be yer best invention yet!”
“I dunno, AJ. I still think my Chimicherry was revolutionary!”
“Ah thought you went with ‘Cherrychonga’.” Applejack said with a raised brow.
“Actually, I still can’t decide! They’re both so good! OH! Looks like nature calls!” Pinkie exclaimed, hopping around. “AJ, could you look after the counter for a minute?”
“Sure, Pinkie.” Applejack said with a smile. Pinkie thanked her, and rushed out of the room.
Now was my chance.
“Well, I should probably get going. It was nice to meet you, Applejack. Let Pinkie know I’ll be back tonight.” I said, walking out the door.
“Alright, partner. Don’t be a stranger!” She waved to me, and we parted ways. She eyed the door over a small mountain of empty soda cans, hoping to see her orange beauty again soon. She was startled by a loud ringing of the telephone, and hesitantly picked it up. “Uh, Sugarcube Corner, how may ah help you?”
“Applejack, how about you, Rainbow Dash and I have a three-way in my tub? It’ll be totally legit. Oh, my!” a suave voice proclaimed on the other end.
“WHAT?!?” she yelled, and slammed down the phone. Who in Equestria would ever prank call her? Her life is serious business!
I was busy laughing my ass off in the phone booth. That’s when I decided to pull my phone back out, and reveal my two newest creations. I redialed and got my phone ready.
“Sugarcube Corner, how can ah help you?”
I then proceeded to play a remix of Applejack saying she was an angry racist celery farmer. “AAH! These darn remixes! How many remixes are there?!?” She once more slammed the phone in anger. I laughed hysterically in the booth for a few seconds (only about two seconds), and composed myself for one more call. I quickly redialed, and once more prepared my phone.
“Sugarcube Corner, how can ah help you!?” she almost yelled.
I pressed “play”. “Ah mean, heck, in my personal opinion, Rainbow Dash is a good piece of ass.”
“AAH, THAT’S A SPLICE! AH’VE NEVER SAID THAT! AH’VE NEVER SAID THAT! AH’VE NE-” She took a massive swing at the pile of empty cans, and they flew in every direction.
Pinkie rushed back into the room. “Oh my gosh, Applejack! Are you ok?”
“They’re laughin’! They’re all laughin’ at me!” Applejack yelled as she stormed out of the bakery.
“Wonder what happened to her?” Pinkie said to herself. “Oh well! Time to set up the PARTY OF THE CENTURY!” She rushed to craft invitations, and prepare the room for yet another pointless celebration.
“Well, that was fun. I should probably find Twilight or Spike now; they’ll be able to help me contact Celestia.” I said to myself, stepping out of the phone booth triumphantly.
What will happen next? Find out in the next chapter of “Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry”! Please R&R! I will shoot myself if you don’t! I’m an emotional wreck! Not the sexy kind, but the dangerous kind!
Chapter 2: Dragonbreath Is Super-Effective... But Not In a Good Way
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I apologize for the hesitation in posting this chapter, but the Illuminati has had my balls in a vice for the last month, wanting this treaty for blah-blah gay sex blah-blah congress. Please enjoy another splash of stupidity by yours truly, and be sure to have a slice of red velvet cake nearby; you’ll need it.
Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry
Chapter 2: Dragonbreath Is Super Effective… But Not In a Good Way
I scoured through town, hoping to find some old forgotten wor- I mean, hoping to find the purple beings that were my ticket out of this pleasant hell. I approached the town’s bazaar, and proceeded to hassle as many of the stand owners as possible. The first I came across was a flower stand, manned (or mared) by a young, rather cute mare with a cream coat and a mane expressing different shades of raspberry. I took over the end of the line, just behind a muscular white stallion with miniature wings, and a pink mare with a lime-green mane.
As I idly admired the modest scenery, I suddenly hear a “YEEEAH!” from the front of the line. The mare and I jumped in surprise, and she became slightly agitated.
“Rose, can you pick it up a little bit? Some of us have groceries to buy!” she yelled, standing on her back legs with her fronts flailing in the air. She struck me in the eye, and I yelped in pain momentarily.
She turned around and gasped “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry, sir! I didn’t know anyone was behind me!” She closed the distance hesitantly, and attempted to make light of the fact that she practically blinded me. “Are you ok? Are you hurt?”
No, of course not, dumb bitch. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.” I answered, violently caressing my eye. “Is your hoof ok?” I asked with a singe of sarcasm.
“Oh, it’s fine. Are you sure you’re alright? I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.” She said, softly caressing my cheek.
“It’s all good. I take it you’re in a bit of a hurry?” I say with a very empty tone.
“Oh, right…” she looked down and blushed. “Well, yeah. I’ve got a lot more things to pick up before the afternoon. This is only my third stop today; I’ve got another ten stops before I’m done! My legs are gonna be jelly by then!” She raised her hoof to imitate the gelatinous motion. The gray stallion behind me stuck his face inches away from her hoof. She “eeped” as she jerked her hoof back and groaned, “Hugh, please don’t do that.”
I turned to look at the creepiest smile I’ve ever seen; the pure, soulless aura surrounding this individual was a type I hope was never exposed to my imaginary children ever again. I expressed a look of disgust, and turned back to the dumbass that scratched my eye.
“So what’s your name?” She asked, tilting her head with a soft smile.
“Uhh, Vibes. You?”
“My name’s Daisy, nice to meet you!” She extended her hoof, and I weakly shook it.
“Same.” I responded flatly. “So I take it you know the mare that runs this stand?”
“Oh yeah, her name’s Rose, she’s one of my housemates. She runs the floral shop here in Ponyville. I take it you’re new here?”
“Yeah, I’ve just rolled into town.” I answered with a smirk, reminiscing about my previous teasing of a certain orange farmhoof. “More like ‘trolled’.” I said under my breath.
“I’m sorry?” She said as she cocked a brow.
“Hmm? Oh, nothing. So, what do you do for a living?” I ask, hoping to drive this mundane small-talk into the Troll River.
“Oh, I mainly sell herbs, as well as garden on the weekends. It’s pretty tough sometimes, but it’s worth it! What about you? I’ve never seen a cutie mark like that before.” She said, eyeing my gorgeous plot.
“It’s a Vibraharp.” I said, eyeing my own flawless design.
“A what?”
“Eh, it’s nothing.” I noticed how annoying her mane looked as the sun increased its radiance. “Your mane is quite vibrant.”
“Oh, thank you.” She blushed and giggled. “You’re not half-bad looking yourself.”
She’s just doing my job for me, isn’t she?
“Oh, well, I mean, uh…” I pretended to stammer, reeling her in with my guard seemingly down.
“Heehee, you should see the look on your face! Well, I am flattered, but I regret to inform you that I’m already taken.” She made a fake pouty-face, and shot me a look as if realization took a dump on her Sunday dress. She shot a look to her friend, then back at me. “However, my friend Rose is available. You seem like you’d be just her type! Kind, caring, not to mention easy on the eyes.” She said softly, with a seductive look in her eyes.
“Oh, well, I don’t know about that. I don’t want to impose.” I spoke shyly.
“Nonsense! Just make some small talk with her! Hmm, let’s see… Oh! Her favorite band is the Legendary Stardust Cowboy, her favorite food is… ravioli! Her favorite color is magenta, and her favorite movie is August Underground! That should be enough to work with!”
Though I appreciated the tools she gave me, I chose to take things in a different direction. Daisy quickly shoved me to the front of the line, almost through the stand itself.
“Hey Rose!” She cheerily exclaimed. “Have you met my friend Vibes?”
According to the look Rose gave her friend, this wasn’t the first time she tried to pawn a random stallion on her. Daisy “squeed” and bolted down the road, leaving the two of us alone.
“I’m sorry about her,” Rose began, “she does this kind of thing all the time.”
“Oh it’s fine.” I replied. “I honestly don’t know why, though.”
She raised her brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I just mean I don’t see how she’d think you need an outside source to help you with… courting.” I decided to let the boa of honesty slowly wrap her in my clutches.
“But what… what is that supposed to mean?” she asked, slightly blushing.
“Well, you’re quite pretty, and I can’t imagine your personality is a problem.” I began, “Is it just an ‘independence’ thing, or are you just waiting for Mr. Right?”
“Well, I mean… not particularly… it’s just… I mean…” her demeanor reminded me of another shy pony, one whose sheer cuteness would intangibly give me diabeetus if I played my cards wrong.
I chuckled and responded, “It’s fine if you’re not comfortable sharing that with me. We did just meet, after all.”
“Heh heh, yeah…” she mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck. “Anyways, I’m sorry, were you interested in purchasing any flowers today?”
Thankfully, I scouted the stand beforehoof, and identified the top-shelf flowers before my opportunity to inconvenience her. “Actually, I was wondering if you had any Gypsophila?”
She was visibly taken back by my question. “Wow, I’ve never heard anyone call it by its proper name before!” Her enthusiasm quickly led to embarrassment, as she regained her Fluttershy composure. “Um, yeah, I think we have some. Just let me get it for you.” She pulled out a stepstool with her teeth, and began climbing. One of her legs slipped off and she jerked back a bit.
“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” I asked.
“No no, I’ve got it.” She said softly. She made her way up, and began to reach for the Gypsophila. I had to keep myself from laughing at her imbalance on the poor stool. She got up on one leg to try and snatch it swiftly.
I quickly scanned the area, and saw that no one was around. I thought I’d give my horn a test-drive, and tried to knock over the stool. Thankfully, I was very reserved about it, because I damn near broke the stool in half. She started screaming as she lost balance, and fell towards the ground.
She shut her eyes, expecting to get to second base with Mother Earth. Her groins, however, would feel no such satisfaction, as I rushed over and caught her in my strong forehooves. She gently opened her eyes, and stared at me longingly for a few minutes (about two minutes). She wouldn’t say anything, which automatically made the situation more awkward. I felt that we weren’t alone, as I looked up and noticed a stubby purple reptile staring at the situation that had just unfolded.
“Oh snap!” I exclaimed, as I dropped Rose on her head. “Whoops, sorry, but I gotta go!” I rushed over to the dragon and she continued staring at me dreamily, limply waving goodbye.
“Whoa, how’d you do that?!” the young dragon asked eagerly.
“What, catch her? I just ran over…” I answered, as we began walking back into town.
“Not that! I mean how’d you get her to fall for you like that?” he asked with wide eyes.
“Oh that? I dunno, it just sort of… happens.”
“Do you think you can maybe… teach me?” the young dragon asked shyly.
“’Teach you’?” I cocked a brow at him, and he gave me a baby-like pouty-face.
“Pleeease?”
His cuteness was too much to bear; I already wasn’t looking forward to the aforementioned pegasus, but if I couldn’t even handle this, then I guess I’m bucked.
With a sigh, I responded, “Oh, alright.” He jumped in excitement and did a novice Japanese death march in celebration.
“Oh, I’m Spike, by the way. What’s your name?” he asked, extending his claw.
“Vibes.” I shook his claw, but not really, due to my lack of grip. He may as well have been servicing a stallion. I wonder how explorative his tongue is. Does he have two jimmies? My mind began to wander into the homosexual back room when Spike caught my attention.
“Anyway, the reason I ask is because there’s this mare I really like, and I get the feeling she doesn’t take me seriously.” Spike said, as he shuffled his feet (I’m calling them feet; if you’re gonna anthropomorphize somethin’, ya gotta do it right, dammit).
“Well, does she know you like her?”
“I’m pretty sure; I tried to tell her once, but she wouldn’t let me.”
“Hmm, well, is there any reason she might’ve stopped you from telling her?”
“Well, I mean, she’s a little bit older than me, and she’s a pony, obviously, but…” he trailed off as he heard a familiar laugh coming from the nearby café. He motioned for me to follow him, as we circled the corner. He poked his head over the other side, and jerked his head back a few moments (a couple moments) later, with tears in his eyes and an appalled look on his face.
I chose to get a good look for myself what was traumatizing my young comrade. I was hoping he was watching that inebriated mulberry mare becoming “liberated” from her undergarments outside of the sports pub. Unfortunately, his attention was clearly on the pair of white unicorns at the café. One had a distinguished mustache and monocle, and the other looked like a cheap hooker fashion model, complete with a big, silly mane and enough makeup to feed Africa for a month. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, as the stallion broke out this bitchin’ necklace with the word “MOTOWN” encrusted in diamonds, and gave it to the young mare. She gasped in excitement, and they embraced in a short, but passionate kiss.
I looked down at “mah drigga”, and he had already formed a comical puddle of tears, unable to comprehend what was unfolding yards in front of him. I put a hoof around him and consoled him the only way I knew how. “Sorry brah, that’s life.”
“How could she do that to me? What’d I ever do to deserve this?!” he screamed at the heavens.
“Hey dude, let’s just go relax, shall we?” I motioned for him to follow me, and he hesitantly obliged. We doubled back around to the sports pub, making sure the dynamic duo of horny ivory didn’t catch a glimpse of us. I slipped the stripping mare my number, and headed inside. We took a couple seats at the bar, and things started to wind down.
“Uh, Vibes, are you sure I should be in here?” the dragon asked nervously.
“I don’t see why not. We’re not breaking any rules. Anyways, it’s after six, so it’s acceptable.”
“What’s acceptable?” he asked.
“What’ll ya have?” the gruff barkeep asked, stereotypically washing out a cup with a dirty rag.
“I’ll have a large pitcher, dark, and my buddy here will have Red Bowl and vodka.” The bartender shot me a quizzical look.
“Dun’t look 18 to me.”
“He is. And anyways, he’s a dragon, it’s different.” I responded, shrugging.
“Good enough for me. Comin’ right up!”
Spike nudged me with his elbow and whispered, “I’m only 13. Are you sure this is ok?”
“Yeah man, don’t worry about it.” I answered casually.
6 Drinks Later…
“All I’m sayin’… is… th-you need to find a woman that makesss you happy.” I said as sternly as possible.
“But she does make me… me happy.” Spike answered, choking back vomit.
“But… tell me why you like her.”
“Uhh, have you SEEN her? She’s like, the hottest thing this side of hot!”
“Ok, she’s pretty. Cool, whatever, but why do you like her?”
“Well… I mean… she… she gives me gems all the time!”
“Gems that YOU dig up! That’s her way of using you without constriction or guilt.”
“Well… she… she compliments me all the time!”
“How so?”
“She… she tells me I look adorable!”
“So she still views you as a child. No, you’re right, she’s totally into you.”
“Well… sh-…” Our area fell silent for a solid minute (and a half).
Spike’s face was a strong mix of intoxication and revelation. A final look of horror on his face is what I saw before I heard him utter…
“I don’t know… I don’t know. I don’t know! I DON’T KNOW!!” he started shaking me in his euphoric trance.
“You don’t know what?!”
“Why I like her! I guess I just always thought she was pretty, and I let that make up for everything else!” he screamed inches away from my face.
This raucous behavior continued for a few more minutes (several minutes), and we left the pub, continuing to touch the topic of romance.
“I just don’t get it, man. Why don’t mares find me attractive?” the young dragon asked, leaning on me.
I caught a whiff of his breath, and to this day, I still dry-heave when I think about it. “I think it’s your breath, dude.”
He caught a whiff himself, and mirrored my reaction. “Ugh! That is straight-up nasty!”
I noticed a convenience store beaming the setting sun onto my face. “I’ll be right back.”
I returned with a couple packs of mint gum, and gave one to Spike. We both burned through our packs by the time we reached the next block, and continued talking about vaginas.
As we neared the library, he could hear screaming. He turned to where it came from, and began sprinting. I followed suit, and we soon came across a young white unicorn and a young pink unicorn yelling at one another. It was clear that the pink one was bullying the other, and if it wasn’t for my intoxicated state, I would’ve shouted their names.
“At least my parents didn’t pawn me onto my sister! Not even your parents want you around!” the pink unicorn said, giggling. The white one was in shambles, crying her innocent little eyes out. That’s when Spike chose to intervene.
“Think you’re cool, huh? Pickin’ on someone who only wants to be your friend?” he yelled at the pink bitch.
“Spike, no, you don’t have to-” the white unicorn began, but was cut off by Spike.
“It’s ok, Sweetie. Bitch has it comin’.”
“What? Here to save the ragged doll from the truth? Look at me, both parents, and I’m in as good of shape as ever!” Tiara responded smugly, shaking her girly-bits.
“I counsel dogs in better shape than you! Free jackin’ all around here like you’re Mick Jagger. Listen, why don't you go hustle on down to the soup kitchen, Mick?” Spike screamed at the fuzzy pink jerk.
“What?!?” She had no idea how to comprehend that statement. “Well, at least I know my parents. You don’t even have any!” she stated with a smirk.
Oh, kid. You just f**ked up real bad.
“AT LEAST I WASN’T AN ACCIDENT!” Spike rebutted at the top of his lungs. “Anything as bad as you has got to be an accident, no matter how badly your parents wanted a child! Imagine the first few years, they must’ve been so happy! Then you turned into this mistake I see before me, and I’m sure they count the days until you leave their lives for good! At least I have a family, a group of people that can tolerate my existence and enjoy my company! Your parents would’ve forgotten your BIRTHDAY this year if it wasn’t for Twilight’s assistance at the hospital!”
“W-w-what?” Tiara asked, verbally shaken.
“That’s right! Twilight assists at the local hospital on the weekends, mainly organizing files and bills. Your father came to us, asking if she could find your certificate details for JUST such a reason!”
“Th-th-th-that’s not t-true.” She weakly spoke, about to break down completely.
“Oh, and you know what else he mentioned, now that I think about it?” Spike began, chuckling, “he mentioned that YOU WERE A MISTAKE! They were expecting a COLT! Can you imagine how disappointed your father was? All those games of catch? All those sporting events? All those bonding memories? Didn’t happen, because instead of a loving, caring young colt, they got you, a worthless sack of self-loathing, hate-driven garbage! I may be the orphan dragon here, but YOU’RE the only monster I see!”
With that, the young filly promptly bolted home, wailing like an infant. Spike turned to the other filly. “You alright, Sweetie?”
She looked at him with a sense of awe and admiration. “I am now, Spike. Thank you so much!” She squeezed the young dragon with the strength of ill-minded affection.
“It’s no problem, Sweetie.” Spike said.
It was then that something caught Sweetie Belle’s nostrils. “Wow Spike, your breath… IS AMAZING!” She nuzzled his chest, as he looked back at me with a look of surprise.
I attempted to give him a “thumbs-up”, but I just looked stupid for a second (or two).
“Spike,” Sweetie began, “do you maybe… I don’t know… wanna… hang out sometime?”
A short pause gave Sweetie Belle a singe of discomfort. “There’s nothing I’d like more.” He answered gently.
With a quick gasp, she pecked his cheek, and ran towards the Boutique. Spike looked back at me in disbelief.
“Like I said, drigga. Good breath, good times.”
We parted ways, stating that we’d hang again tomorrow. As I got a hotel room for myself, I began to think…
You know, Twilight’s going to kill him when he gets home. Not only is he arriving after curfew, but he’s drunk! That means she probably won’t be doing any favors for me anytime soon. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to… “convince” her otherwise…
With that, I jumped in my bed and passed out.
Will Spike live long enough to see Chapter Three? Will Applejack ever find the hair tie I stole from her? Will Rose ever climb a stepstool again? Find out next time! Please R&R, or I’ll make a sandwich with wheat bread and force you to eat it! Also, the cheese will be cottage! MUHAHAHAHA!!!
