Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry

by TheMortalSlab

Chapter 1: Transcending Boundaries / The Apple of My Nigh

Because I know it’s an absolute fact that if I don’t point out that I own nothing in this story I’ll surely get sued by Hasbro, let me take this dire opportunity to let my hordes of loyal fans know that I own nothing in this story. Not even myself.

This is a truly unique story; I don’t think anyone’s ever thought to place themselves within the glorious fictional world we know as “Equestria,” and I believe that my vision will provide inspiration to authors of both the present and future. Please enjoy this thoroughly crafted masterpiece, and Faust bless.

Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry

Chapter 1: Transcending Boundaries / The Apple of My Nigh

I was lying on my poorly-kept bed, thoroughly enjoying everything the internet had to offer. I finally found a video that peaked my nightly interest, so I clicked it and began to make myself comfortable. Just as the climactic point was in sight, a white alicorn arose at the foot of my bed. “Just what do you think you’re doing, young human?” she asked sternly.

“GAAAH!!” I jerked up, frightened at the majestic creature that seemingly manifested out of nowhere. “Wh-wh-wh-”

“Truly your species is a peculiar one.” She stated, noticing my hand in an unusual spot. “But I digress, you’re needed in Equestria. I’m afraid an old foe has returned once more to cause torment to our kind, and we need a special form of magic. This magic has an unimaginable power, and contains a foreign aura that our adversary will surely find impassible. You are one of the few whom possess this unique magical skill, and we would be forever grateful for your assistance. Angus, it is now time for you to embark on your prophesied adventure. Will you please take my hoof?” She slowly brought her right hoof forward, as I had a mixed look of confusion and girlish excitement caked across my gorgeous face.

“B-but, how’d you find me!? What about my family? What about college? What about my girlfriend?” She gave me a skeptical look. “Oh fine, you got me, no girlfriend, but what about my finances? My social life? When will I come back? How is this even possible?” I frantically asked with my arms flailing in a “get out of my house” fashion.

“It is the only way.” She responded in a swift, low voice.

“Well… I suppose.” I moved my laptop off of my lap, and it suddenly became a BED-top. (Get it? Lol, I’m hilarious.) I then sat up and extended my left hand towards the majestic beauty.

She responded with a scrunched face, emanating slight disgust. “Um, perhaps your other hand would suffice?” I look down at my hand, realization slapping me in the face. How on Earth (or Equestria for that matter) could I present such an impure ligament to royalty of any nationality? I quickly shot my left hand down, and replaced it with my right hand. I slowly brought it forward until it was an inch away from her royal hoofwear. The next few seconds mirrored hours in terms of pressure and hesitation. With a final gulp, I grasped her hoof with moderate force, and was instantly blinded by a sudden light (revved up like a deuce, etc.) that filled my dingy basement.

I floated in a faux purgatory for what seemed like minutes, but was actually minutes. Not human minutes, but pony minutes. Pony minutes are very similar, but a pony minute is about 1.151 human minutes. This may seem an unusual concept, but believe me, it’s much worse. After several minutes, which was more like a few minutes, a sudden force pushed against my chest, and atmospheric gravity began taking its toll. I started cutting the wind as I blasted toward the ground at an unflappable speed. After a loud THUD! I made a nice indent into the earthy material. After a few minutes (now only about 2.5 minutes) I arose from my painful hammock. I started trotting arou-… “trotting”? That’s new. I scoped the area, and noticed a small lake to my right. I rushed over, and got a good look at myself.

What I saw absolutely astounded me; an orange unicorn with a slightly kept mane, a rugged beard, and a flawless chiseled face, much like the one I sported in the human realm. Out of curiosity, I moved my flank into view to see if I had the object of which every colt and filly desired; a cutie mark. My rump presented a pristine image; a late 1930’s Deagan Vibraharp. “Oh, makes sense.” I said to myself, shrugging.

I then sought it ideal to find someone to help me get situated. After aimlessly slumping around the dirt road, I noticed the census of apple trees continued to grow. Several minutes (a few minutes) later, I came across a large pink barn. “Goodie, ‘Hicktown’.” I said sarcastically to myself. Despite my distain for the now-labeled “southern accent,” I chose to approach the structure. I was soon stopped by a blonde earth pony.

“Howdy partner, what can I do ya fer?” I cringed on the inside.

“Oh, hehe, hi there. I’m afraid I’m a bit lost at the moment. Could you please tell me where I am?” I solemnly asked.

“Well, this here’s Sweet Apple Acres, sugarcube. Ponyville is that way, if that’s where yer headed.” She answered, pointing her well-toned hoof to the north.

“Ah, excellent! Thank you very much.” I said to the faux Texan, immediately turning to continue my unknown quest.

“Well, how ‘bout I tag along? I need to pick up some things in town anyways.” She asked as I began walking away. I turned around with a raised brow, and she jerked her head down. There was a slight blush on her face and her eyes glazed over the grass.

“Uh, sure, that’s fine.” I answered with an awkward hesitation. She tilted her head and smiled; her radiant natural beauty almost masked the fact that she was the spawn of a southern culture. With that unusual break of character, we started down the dirt road.

The scenery was absolutely breathtaking; the clouds blended with the midsummer sky, and the rural walkway mirrored a foliated wonderland. Blah blah, more scenic description masking the fact that this story has no real moral closure.

As I continued eyeing the area, I noticed in my peripheral that my orange companion was more focused on my handsome disposition. Whenever I looked in her general direction, she’d swiftly look elsewhere. After a while of this nonsense, I finally caught her looking at me. As if she was putting the blame on me, she quickly stated, “Ya know, ah never got yer name, sugarcube.” She shot me a smirk, basking in her resourceful passing of the buck, pun definitely intended.

“My name? Uuh…” My mind drifted to my glorious posterior for the sixth time today. “It’s, uh, ‘Vibes’.” I answered with a straight face.

“Vibes, huh? That’s nice. Name’s Applejack.” She said with her head lifted high.

“Applejack? Now I want some pancreas-killing cereal!” I said, licking my lips.

“What?” she responded, tilting her head and squinting her eyes.

“Oh, uh, it’s nothing.” I pulled out my phone and brought up my audio manipulator application. I began diddling away, as Applejack continued the conversation.

“So, where you from?”

“Uh… Coltlumbus?” I answered in the form of a question.

“Never heard of it.” She said, shrugging.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t have.” I responded in a “condescending hipster” fashion.

“What is that supposed to mean?” She furrowed her brow in annoyance. I then knew that trolling this young gal would be as simple as punching a baby with candy. I then took it upon myself to use my application at her expense. I began importing various episodes with an evil smirk on my face.

“Oh sorry, it’s just in an untouched area, more-or-less.” I answered, slightly shrugging. “So, what do you do for a living?” I decided to hide the fact that I knew quite a bit about her.

“Well, I work down at the farm, mainly bucking apples-”

“EXCUSE ME?!?” I mimicked extreme disgust with a horrified look on my face.

“AH!” She jumped, startled at my outburst. “What? Oh, I said ‘bucking apples’. I think you misheard.”

“Oh, good.” I sighed in false relief. “I couldn’t imagine such foul language coming from such a lovely young mare.”

“Aw shucks, sugarcube.” She hid under her hat with a heavy blush. “Now yer just butterin’ mah biscuits.”

The next several minutes (few minutes) held a comfortable silence. We finally reached the outskirts of the town, and worked our way into the innards of the populace.

“So where exactly are ya headed, partner?” She asked.

“Oh, well I was looking for Pri-”

“HIYA APPLEJACK!” a pink earth pony began hopping around the farmhoof and I. She also sported a saddle filled to the brim with an unknown substance.

“Well howdy, Pinkie Pah. What brings yah out o’ the shop at this hour?” she asked, pointing her hoof toward her filled saddlebag.

“Oh! Well, I’ve had the weirdest craving for soda today, so I went and bought some more from the store!” She continued her regimen of jumping in unparalleled excitement. Applejack and I looked at each other, obviously aware that soda and shaking don’t quite mix.

“More?” we asked in unison.

“Yeah! I drank all the soda at the shop, even the ones reserved for customers.” She said, twiddling her hooves in embarrassment. “So, who’s your friend, AJ?” She elbowed her in a suggestive fashion, eyeing me in adoration.

“Hi, the names Vibes.” I answered with a light smile.

With a loud gasp, she exclaimed “You must be new here! OOH! That means we’ll have to throw you a welcome party! What’s your favorite kind of cake?”

“Uuh, honestly, I’m just visiting for the day.” Her eyes grew wide and her bottom lip was trembling. I couldn’t handle this barrage of cuteness for much longer, so I finally caved in. “Though I suppose I’d be open to a ‘welcoming’ party. How does that sound?”

Her face lit up with excitement. “That sounds GREAT! Be at Sugarcube corner at 8 o’clock sharp! I’ll throw you a party you’ll never forget!” I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to the last statement, so I simply tilted my head and smiled. “Hey, could you guys come to the shop for a quick sec? There’s a new recipe I’ve been trying out and I want a second opinion. OH! Maybe you both can try it, and I’ll get a third opinion! If I can get Gummy to try it, I’ll have four opinions! Oh, but can Gummy talk? Maybe I can build a machine that can make him talk! OH! Maybe it’ll be so good that he will talk! Wouldn’t that be silly?” She fell to the ground for a short laughing fit while Applejack and I just stared at each other, unsure of how to handle the situation.

“Uh, I’m down with that. You?” I looked to Applejack.

“Yeah! Uh, I mean, uh… sure, I guess.” She shrugged, attempting mask her interest. Her undying love for me was both instantaneous and durable, as I would soon find out.

The three of us trotted over to Sugarcube Corner, a large gingerbread-house-like structure that was the town’s number one source for sweets and treats. We entered the building and were led to the counter. “You two wait here, I’ll be right back!” Pinkie exclaimed as she burst (sorry, BURS) into the kitchen.

“So, yah never did tell me what ya do fer a livin’.” Applejack said, resting her forelegs on the bar. “Ah’d try to guess by yer cutie mark, but honestly, ah’ve never seen anythin’ like it before. What is it?” She asked, eyeing my flank. (Don’t you just love the double-standards?)

“Oh, it’s a Vibraharp.” I said.

“Vibra-wha?” I suppose I’m a loser, even in this world.

“Vibraharp, it’s an early term for ‘vibraphone’. It’s like a xylophone, but tolerable.” I answered.

“Oh. So yer a musician?” she asked with slight interest.

“Yeah. Back in my universe I play-”

“Yer what?” Her cold emerald eyes were trying to break the truth out of me.

“Uuh…” My hyperactive saving grace emerged from the kitchen with two candied apples.

“Hiya guys! Thanks for waiting!” She placed the small tray on the bar in front of us. “Go ahead, give ‘em a try!”

“Eh, they look just like your regular candied apples. What’d you do differently?” Applejack asked, picking up her candied apple hesitantly.

“Well, I thought I’d try something new with ‘sweet and salty’! I mixed a small bit of chocolate and oregano into the caramel!” she exclaimed happily.

I became immediately interested, so I levitated the apple near my mouth and took a nice ‘CHOMP’ out of it. My mouth was blasted with flavors I didn’t even know existed. “Pinkie, this is amazing! How’d you ever think of it?”

“You just gotta have a little imagination, silly!” Pinkie said with a wink.

Applejack took a bite, and shared the same reaction. “Shoot Pinkie, this might be yer best invention yet!”

“I dunno, AJ. I still think my Chimicherry was revolutionary!”

“Ah thought you went with ‘Cherrychonga’.” Applejack said with a raised brow.

“Actually, I still can’t decide! They’re both so good! OH! Looks like nature calls!” Pinkie exclaimed, hopping around. “AJ, could you look after the counter for a minute?”

“Sure, Pinkie.” Applejack said with a smile. Pinkie thanked her, and rushed out of the room.

Now was my chance.

“Well, I should probably get going. It was nice to meet you, Applejack. Let Pinkie know I’ll be back tonight.” I said, walking out the door.

“Alright, partner. Don’t be a stranger!” She waved to me, and we parted ways. She eyed the door over a small mountain of empty soda cans, hoping to see her orange beauty again soon. She was startled by a loud ringing of the telephone, and hesitantly picked it up. “Uh, Sugarcube Corner, how may ah help you?”

“Applejack, how about you, Rainbow Dash and I have a three-way in my tub? It’ll be totally legit. Oh, my!” a suave voice proclaimed on the other end.

“WHAT?!?” she yelled, and slammed down the phone. Who in Equestria would ever prank call her? Her life is serious business!

I was busy laughing my ass off in the phone booth. That’s when I decided to pull my phone back out, and reveal my two newest creations. I redialed and got my phone ready.

“Sugarcube Corner, how can ah help you?”

I then proceeded to play a remix of Applejack saying she was an angry racist celery farmer. “AAH! These darn remixes! How many remixes are there?!?” She once more slammed the phone in anger. I laughed hysterically in the booth for a few seconds (only about two seconds), and composed myself for one more call. I quickly redialed, and once more prepared my phone.

“Sugarcube Corner, how can ah help you!?” she almost yelled.

I pressed “play”. “Ah mean, heck, in my personal opinion, Rainbow Dash is a good piece of ass.”

“AAH, THAT’S A SPLICE! AH’VE NEVER SAID THAT! AH’VE NEVER SAID THAT! AH’VE NE-” She took a massive swing at the pile of empty cans, and they flew in every direction.

Pinkie rushed back into the room. “Oh my gosh, Applejack! Are you ok?”

“They’re laughin’! They’re all laughin’ at me!” Applejack yelled as she stormed out of the bakery.

“Wonder what happened to her?” Pinkie said to herself. “Oh well! Time to set up the PARTY OF THE CENTURY!” She rushed to craft invitations, and prepare the room for yet another pointless celebration.

“Well, that was fun. I should probably find Twilight or Spike now; they’ll be able to help me contact Celestia.” I said to myself, stepping out of the phone booth triumphantly.

What will happen next? Find out in the next chapter of “Self-Inserts Make Buddha Cry”! Please R&R! I will shoot myself if you don’t! I’m an emotional wreck! Not the sexy kind, but the dangerous kind!

Comments

[TheMortalSlab]

Poor Applejack

Anywho, expect a crossover in the near future (convert that how you will), and appearances by our favorite dragon and chaotic being! (Pinkie-excluded )

[Muleicous]

Haven't read yet, but I just want to ask... Why does Buddha care about self-insert fan fiction? Shouldn't Buddha not care about anything since... you know, he's Buddha?

[nopeavi]

Sir, you're my hero for the next week.
Just thought i'd let you know.

[tajjetone]

Fucking lol.

This is possibly the most hilarious thing I have ever read on this site. Please continue.

[Chaotic Discord]

I loved the Radio Graffiti reference XD

[Inky Swirl]

I then knew that trolling this young gal would be as simple as punching a baby with candy.

This.

This was worth sacrificing sleep for. My gut burst from laughter, and while it was enjoyable, it also hurt like a mofo. I'll send you the bill (and some lollipops) so you can pay for the damages (and suck on my dear, sweet gratitude).

[CaveRave]

images.elephantjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/crying-buddha.jpg