Please tell me you are looking for a cover art for this story...

https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku

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@CopperTop...

1. Pretty good start.
- a.) No glaring writing errors that I saw on the first read-through.
- b.) A hearty Word Count is generally a positive sign; it shows you invested [time + effort] towards this story.

2. Though as a (long retired) Classic-era BattleTech player, I might suggest some refinement of your label-uses somewhat...
- a.) I would have named the Star League the "Harmony League", since that (near-)Utopian era was when the Inner Sphere was united (thus "harmony"), and lost (and later reformed with the Clan Wars).

- b.) "Celestia" and "Luna" could be attached to the larger Successor States, to better represent the ancient initial conflicts that shattered the Star (Harmony) League. Perhaps the Federated Suns (Celestia[l] Federation) and Lyran Commonwealth (Luna[r] Commonwealth), which later unite together.

- c.) As for the Inner Sphere itself, you could just leave that as is.

3. While the Draconis Combine would seem like an obvious choice for dragons, I think a kirins would be far more thematically, and more importantly culturally, appropriate.

4. Definitely like the use of "Crystal Knights" for early-era BattleMechs (-Steeds). That can be good long-term set-up for when the Crystal Empire returns in some form. (Not sure I would use The Clans though.)

5. Also like the use of Breezy (BattleMech Wasp) and Big Mac (BattleMech Atlas).

10233530
Thank you for the input! Trust me, I've been battling with names for a good while. Heck, one or two changed just as I was doing a final pass of this chapter during posting! I promise you that I've got plans for the Clans, Dragons, Griffons and a few other races, as well as origins for why some of the names are the way they are. Though, even those may yet change as the draft progresses.

Please do stick around! There's five more chapters in the pipe right now and this story will (hopefully) be updating every two weeks until completion provided I can maintain my current momentum long enough...

I just hope I don't offend the sensibilities of too many OG BattleTech fans! Blending this into the MLP mythos is proving a bit of a challenge...

10233542

Yep, the biggest challenge for any CrossOver story is that you will be scrutinized on BOTH sources. So your execution has to be on-point to keep readers invested.

Hmmm. Seems less crossover and more BattleTech with a pony skin.

I'll keep an eye on it; it's not bad, but doesn't really feel like pony yet.

10233568
Yeah, I realize that i'm going to be walking a fine line. More MLP elements are coming, I promise. I just tend to go for "slow burns" on my longer pieces.

I hope you end up enjoying it!

10233568
Of course, you can't have a BattleTech story without the necessary Derpy Urbie .

10234050
*totally not scribbling notes noises* >.> <.<

10234050
I remember laughing at the Urbie playing tabletop battletech. Everyone ignored him, but in the end he was kind of the hero because he was fresh and did a lot of stuff... never ignore the urbie, they will ruin your day... slowly... eventually... but will.

So... Squelch is not into warcrimes. Nice little story, interesting presentation of the characters. Flippin Slipshot is being the town bike and enjoying it in a dropship full o mare. Also kirins, that’s nice to see. Interesting that different houses have different species in charge.

10234050
10234904

Especially the nuclear-armed Urbie.

10235082
I can still see Dorian Carmine doing that to O'Connell. ALL HAIL THE URBIE!!!!

Curious to what lead to this

Just now saw your new story. I really like it so far. I haven’t been able to play BT in a while. Used to drive my group crazy as I used mainly quads. As I said, really enjoyed it. Definitely add to my reading list!

Drowning

I have for a long time not read any Battletech rather playing it... Looking forward to this story!

I got to re-read All my 60+ Ebooks in Battletech flavor

There does not seem to be a tag for BattleTech/MechWarrior. Which is a crime if you ask me!

Indeed.

10235389
They put muffins in my ancestors, now I put lead in their descendants.

So, I tried reading chapter 1.

The impression I got: this fanfic is about fucking. How good to fuck, how often to fuck and with whom to fuck.
Oh, and there are deadly battles with mechs, too, as well as a political landscape that is not yet revealed to be solely about fucking.
Judging by chapter 1 alone, I fully expect pony battlemechs to fuck each other in later chapters.

This is my criticism of a very small part of the story, but it's the part that's supposed to hook me. If this is the impression the author wanted to make: well done.
Otherwise, maybe the author should consider reworking the first chapter to properly clue the reader in to what one can expect.
Right now I expect a porn tag.

11077282
I do completely understand what you're saying; to which I can only point out that there is, specifically, a lack of a "sex" tag for this story, and that does accurately reflect the content (or absence of it, in this case). There is a reason that Slipshod is written the way that he is though. Most of my focus for the first chapter was on outlining the characters that the readers would be dealing with for the next 500k~ words, rather than worrying about the specifics of their quest. In my opinion, if a reader can't stand the characters, then it doesn't matter what they get up to anyway.

While I'll certainly understand if you don't want to wager another hour of your life giving the second chapter a look, I can assure you this isn't a clop piece. Either way, I do thank you for the comment!

11077317
Comment necromancy here, but I think that’s a great way of writing a story! Let your characters be who they are, and if you’re readers can tolerate them, then carry on.

Will say though, I think that it did dwell on Slipshod’s sexuality a bit too much. It could be established that he’s a Handsome Lech/Chivalrous Pervert without dwelling on for it that long. That said, there isn’t anything explicit yet, and this is tagged mature, so I can personally grant some Lee-way.

Onward to chapter 2!