The Long Way Home

by HyperRandomness

Chapter 9: A story in reverse is still a story.

Rez awoke to… an unfamiliar texture. It was not the roughness of the cast he had previously experienced, nor was it the softness of the bed he’d been laying on.

He felt neither of those things.

This initially sparked a mild thought of panic, but that quickly subsided as he had not fully gained consciousness yet. He would first focus on waking up, and then he could panic.

He did exactly that.

After gaining his consciousness, Rez immediately tried to summon up his magic sight. No headaches presented themselves, so that was a good sign, but it caused Rez to question how long he’d been out. It felt like it’d only been the day before that he was completely disabled, yet he felt much better today…

As his ‘vision’ came into ‘view,’ many things became apparent to him.

For starters, he was in a plain, white room with a white ceiling and white walls. Next up, he realized the familiar beeping of the machine that was once next to him had now halted. He turned his head, noting that he was now capable of such a feat, and ‘looked’ to his side. Only a wall resided beside him.

Turning over and facing right, he noticed he had no cast around his limbs, and saw nothing except a pillow and the wall on the other side of the room.

Wherever he was, it certainly wasn’t the hospital.

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Lens had come to the conclusion that Hi-Rez was not in Ponyville.

He wasn’t in ANY place I checked that he WOULD have been, so where could he have gone? She thought, pacing about, her hooves gently clacking against the wooden floor.

In-between now and the time we saw them last, the Cap family had settled into a house not-too-far from the border of Ponyville, as per Lens’ request. Also during that time, Lens had taken it upon herself to look in literally every nook and cranny in Ponyville, even if that meant checking the pubs or bars… or the hospital.

She hadn’t found him in any of those places.

He… he didn’t just abandon me, did he? she thought, a sadness welling up inside of her. Oh, I hope he didn’t! That would just… I wouldn’t know what to say… would he even consider doing that? No, Lens, you’re being silly! Stop thinking such silly things and just focus on the positive.

She took on a confident look and fought the sadness away, but quickly crumpled onto her bed.

Who was she kidding? There was no way Rez had remembered her, or he would have still been in Ponyville when she got back. In fact, not even his own parents knew where he went.

Tears began rolling down her cheeks. She attempted to wipe them away and force the offending thought from her mind, but both returned just as swiftly.

Now that she really gave it thought, if he had bothered to care, he could at least have told her where he was going. At base minimum, it would have been right to send her a letter or a message of some sorts, letting her know he would be out of town. That, at base minimum, would have been acceptable… or at least, that’s what Lens thought.

No, that’s just overreaction. He’d totally bother to leave some sort of notification, unless anything happened to him… but even then, his parents would know where he went…

…right?

The emotionally distraught Lens Cap bawled into her bed late into the night.

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“Well, everypony, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I gathered you here today…” Grandmaster Lotus began, taking a pause for dramatic effect.

Everypony was silent as they hung on her words, just waiting for what she might say next.

Well, what she said next shocked many and disturbed many others.

“We’re here to coordinate a raid.” She said with a wicked grin that only a demon could rival.

Cheers practically exploded from the audience. Lotus swore she went deaf for a moment, but continued on, seeming unfazed.

“Now, before we get too over-excited,” she practically shouted, needing to raise her voice over those of the crowd. After several seconds, the cheering and roaring of the crowd died down. “We need to start strategizing. Our first target, of course, will be…” Lotus paused again.

Two other ponies scuttled onstage, holding a large, rolled-up piece of parchment. They got up on two equal-sized ladders and held it out, then unrolled it and revealed a large map.

“…Ponyville.”

Thunderous applause boomed from the crowd, threatening to topple the ladders and ground the two ponies supporting the parchment.

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Rez took a good look around, prodding at the mysteriously soft walls with his hooves and curiously poking about the room. Its texture was strangely comforting, yet something about it felt quite off.

From wall to wall, the room was twelve hooves in any direction. Rez pondered if there was anything else in the roo-

THUNK!

The entire room shook and rattled, sending Rez off his hooves and onto the floor. His eyes flicked about in a panic as he attempted to steady himself, but then the entire room lurched to the left, flinging him into the opposing wall.

Thankfully, the soft padding encompassing the room prevented harm.

What it didn't prevent, however, was the instilling of panic.

Rez did exactly that.

He panicked and charged about the room, searching for any sign of an exit or way out in any possible, conceivable way. He found none. In light of this, he decided to try his hoof at blasting an exit into existance.

Without further thought, Rez channeled magic into his horn and closed his eyes. The strange ‘veins’ in his mane and tail began to glow and spark, sending bits of energy this way and that. His hair began to react as though it hadn’t any gravity at all. He could practically feel power coursing through his body, but he paid no mind to that. Right now, he had an exit to make.

He then focused that energy into a forward beam… but that wasn’t what he got.

At first, he opened his eyes and was disappointed. A small sphere of, what appeared to be, light floated in front of his face.

It exploded.

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Two guardponies stood watch as a third raced towards them, something in tow. Unsure of what it was, they were about to stop to question the pony, but they stopped themselves from stopping the pony and just went with the flow. They turned around and looked over their vehicle, which basically looked like a gigantic metal box with wheels and doors.

They quickly ran to the back and opened two doors in the rear of the vehicle, revealing a white room inside.

The first pony hurled the object into the white room, then swiftly shutting the doors and signaling for the guards to move. They hurriedly turned and jumped into the vehicle, starting it then punching it away from the scene.

No more than twelve seconds passed before the third pony, left standing at the location the other two had just departed from, had heard an explosion of tremendous proportions.

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Rez rubbed his head and wiped his eyes, brushing soot and smoldering cinders from his eyelids. He shook himself off and took a glance around, making quick note that he was standing in a small crater which appeared to be filled with the remainder of whatever he'd been previously occupying. Two ponies lay on the road further from him, both of which were coated in the same ash and cinders as he. Neither appeared injured, but Rez wouldn't have given it any rational thought anyhow.

He was too busy being in a panic.

He had been in the hospital only moments before he awoke in the white room, then he detonated it like a stick of dynamite with a cardboard box, and now he was unsure of what exactly the circumstances were surrounding his situation.

So, like any normal idiot, he turned to run.

Then ran straight into a tree... which wasn't a tree at all. It was a massive, angry-looking stallion who seemed to have taken one-too-many doses of testosterone.

Rez gulped.

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Comments

[TwizzleDragon]

Regidar hasn't arrived to this story yet.
You sure have won a great achievement!

[HyperRandomness]

1714636
Either that, or this has been un-updated long enough for said Regidar to not notice.

[cheezesauce]

Review: The Long Way Home, by HyperRandomness

Hi! I’m cheezesauce, summoned from the deep recesses of WRITE to offer some feedback that may or not may be useful. Do take my criticisms with a pinch of salt. Maybe some vinegar too, if you'd like.

Title/Synopsis:

The synopsis is a rough overview of the story. It’s meant to draw readers in, like how good advertisements net potential customers. Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ve managed to do that. Instead, you’ve given me what feels like a bland summary of your story. It does not convey the tone, and it doesn’t give me a good first impression. Do invest some time in your synopsis. Pick out the information that would give me a gist of the story, and make it sound exciting.

And I’d avoid stuffing notes before the synopsis. Keep it professional. Give readers what they want and remove all that or leave it for later. Meaning that you should remove unwanted bits like:

((Chapter is nearly finished. Just have to finish this, finish an edit, then prepare for everything I have to do tomorrow.))
-NEEDS REVIEWS-

The title is fine. The cover image is fine. Let’s head down to the actual story.

Introduction:

The first thing that happens is that I get slapped on the face by an author’s note. Out of all things, an author's note. As a reader, I’m feeling a tiny bit annoyed. That’s not what I was looking when I clicked the link. Give me the story. Put that at the end of the chapter or the story. I’ve been told Fimfiction now has a feature for inserting author’s notes, so maybe you could play around with that a bit.

Wait... That author’s note. I don’t think you should put that down. It’s like going “Oh hey there, I’m going to tell you a story. It’s not very good, but it’ll get better! So don’t stop reading!” It has nothing to do with the actual story, and it's drawing attention to the quality of the fic.

Moving on to the ‘real’ introduction...

If people form first impressions from the synopsis, this is where they’ll form second impressions. Your goal for this section more or less the same: get people interested in your story.

Their child had been born with peculiar eyes, which made them think that he could have had some sort of disability.

Here, I can see that you’ve made an attempt to engage the reader, but this lacks punch. It's missing flavor and style, the things that make it interesting to read. You’re simply throwing that piece of information at us and expecting us to lap it up. It’s telling.

It's too bad they didn't realize how right they were.

Hmm... I thought this foreshadowing was rather heavy handed as well.

Prologue:

The infodumping done here is ridiculous. You’ve simply made Hi-Rez’s entire background story into a chapter. His father died, he tried to perform some magic but failed, he was going through tough times, he met this Lens Cap person and they worked together taking photographs... and so on.

It’s all really, really bland. I think you’re aware of that yourself, but putting an author’s note explaining that it IS an infodump doesn’t make up for it. How much of this information is actually necessary? If there’s something in that infodump that is not important, then it has no place in your story. The fact that his father died doesn’t make the story sad, because of the way you’ve brought it out. You told it as a fact. His father died, and so Hi-Rez was sad. No sadness felt here. None. This leads me up to my next point:

Show vs. Tell. This means that you should show out an idea, and not simply tell it to us. Don’t just say everything outright like that; let the readers visualize it inside their minds. I don't find it easy to explain or elaborate on, so I'll just let someone else do it.

“Choose an emotion or an idea you wish to convey, and then dart around it. Present the readers with happenings, and with reactions. Then let them figure out the underlying details for themselves. It’ll make your writing all the greater and more powerful.” –Ezn

(Ezn’s Guide: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit)

Also, do look at what >>Hopkinz has said again, it’s quite relevant.

The ship out of nowhere:

Now, this ship isn't that big, metal object floating in the water. No, far from that. This ship is the 'ship' in 'relationship'. That’s right. I’m talking about Lens Caps, the assistant photographer that, for some strange reason, finds Hi-Rez handsome. You have absolutely no build-up to the relationship between them. What brought them together like that? Perhaps because of his Mary Sueish appearance, yes? I know it’s tempting to jump straight into all the sweet and mushy romance stuff.

Don’t do it.

I’m wondering why this ship is even necessary, given that Lens Cap disappears from the story within the first two chapters. Do you even need this character? I see no function of having her in the plot. She comes in as part of the mega info-dump, and then leaves suddenly. This leads back to my earlier point on info-dumping: if you don’t need something, get rid of it.

Hi-Rez, Runner-up in the Mary Sue Competition:

Reasons for his award are as follows:

Hi-Rez, or Rez as his friends called him, was two-thirds of a hoof taller than most ponies, and his unusual eyes made him stand out further. He didn’t seem to have pupils, but instead, almost seemed to have a continuation of his irises, which was very unusual. His average unicorn horn stood out of his brown mane, which had peculiar yellow stripes running through them, almost resembling veins. They shone like the morning sun, and almost seemed to emit magic energy. His dark yellow body and pointed ear added to his unusual appearance, but that was not the end of the strangeness of his look. He wore an orange, striped vest with a large turned-down collar and a single vest pocket, where a roll of film jutted out. His orange hooves added to the curiousness of his image, with his tail looking as strange as his mane.

Rez invented a sort of ‘walking-stick’ spell, which allowed him to use the telekinesis spell as a pole, letting him detect when there is something in front of him so he doesn’t just walk directly into it.

He has grown proficient with magic and has invented at least two other spells.

“Just as handsome as ever…” she said quietly, and then realizing what she had said, she immediately covered her mouth again.

“You too. Goodbye, Rez.” Lens said, a hint of longing in her voice. She turned to leave, but quickly turned back, pecked Rez on the cheek, and then boarded the train in a hurry.

So... what are Mary Sues anyway?

“Mary-Sues are characters who are usually extraordinarily gorgeous, amazingly talented, unusually powerful, and exceedingly attractive to whoever the author has a crush on.” –urbandictionary

“She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye color, and has a similarly cool and exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas, and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws — either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be endearing.
She has an unusual and dramatic Back Story. The canon protagonists are all overwhelmed with admiration for her beauty, wit, courage and other virtues, and are quick to adopt her as one of their true companions.” –tvtropes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue)

Here, try The Writer's Mary Sue Litmus Test: http://www.katfeete.net/writing/marysue.html

Mechanics and other bits:

Scene breaks: I’d recommend using the standard scene break for Fimfiction, instead of a distracting dotted line. The code for a scene break is 'hr', enclosed in square brackets.

Hi-Rez didn't stop crying for days, and his mother didn’t know how to comfort him, but she tried her best.

>>Sometimes, you need to keep things simple. Hi-Rez didn't stop crying for days,

He spoke aloud, “So, Lens, this is it, huh?”

Why is that in bold? It’s incredibly effective in breaking immersion.

The one thing that REALLY stood out

Using caps breaks immersion.

His cutie mark.

You mean: A cutie mark.

Yeah, you heard me. Hi-Rez, the photographer, is blind.

I don’t like this line. I really, really don’t. It has to be one of the worst lines I’ve picked out from your story.

1: You’re breaking away from narration to address the reader directly. (Yeah, you heard me.) This is jarring. It’s breaking flow; it’s breaking immersion.

2: The writing is informal. It ruins the tone of your story. Look at your tags again. You’ve labelled this as a sad story. Since it’s a sad story, you’ve got to make it sad, right? So bear that in mind and work towards it. You can’t be shooting out comments like that as the narrator.

3: You’ve pulled me out of the story to place the fact that he’s blind, and you’ve done it under a gigantic (and hugely unnecessary) spotlight. It’s like you’re raising that piece of information high up into the air and going like “LOOK EVERYPONY! I want you to notice this!”
It’s not going to make people gasp in shock. It’s not going to make anyone feel sorry for him. In fact, the results would be quite the opposite.

Lens Cap was average pony height, with plain blue eyes and a dark gray-blue coat. Her mane was a ruffled and messy teal, as was her tail. The only other defining characteristics about her were her cutie mark and her bodily structure. As far as a cutie mark went, it was a normal camera with a lens cap over the lens, which matched her name, and ability to mess up pictures in the most peculiar of ways. Her bodily structure, however, was very refined, unlike her personality. Personality aside, though, Lens Cap was very slim and slender, which drew the eyes of a lot of colts and stallions. It couldn’t draw the eyes of Hi-Rez though, seeing as he was blind.

Don’t just dump a huge descriptive paragraph about her. You’re supposed to break it up into little pieces and slot them in the narration. And choose something interesting to say about her, something that builds on her character, you know? Saying that she was ‘of average height’ hardly adds anything. What am I supposed to infer from that? It’s just excess fluff that should be removed. If it’s not important, don’t mention it.

Putting a giant paragraph of description there has also ruined the flow of the story. You see, she was talking about something. She hasn’t quite finished yet, so don’t cut her off like that.

“I’m gonna miss you.” she said unwittingly,

1: Why is that in smaller text? I think you’re trying to show that she’s said that quietly, but that’s not the way to do it. At least, not in this instance.

...Okay, I get what you’re doing after reading further. You’ve placed Hi-Rez’s dialogue and bold, and Lens’s in a smaller font. You shouldn’t be doing that. It looks clumsy and unprofessional, and you are supposed to write in a manner that enables us to tell which character is saying what, without the need for all this formatting junk.

2: There should be a comma before ‘she’, and not a period. Punctuation errors in dialogue tagging are a common problem amongst writers.

Wrong:
✖ "Hi there," the pink pony grinned. (It should be a period: ‘grinned’ isn’t a ‘speaking’ verb.)
✖ "Hi there." The pink pony said. (This should be a comma; no capitalization should be used)
✖ "Hi there"! the pink pony shouted! (Punctuation of dialogue belongs inside the quotes.)
✖ "Hi there!" The pink pony shouted! (Don’t capitalize "the"; treat the "!" as a comma.)

Correct:
✔ "Hi there," the pink pony giggled. (She giggled while saying the words.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony giggled. (She said those words, then giggled.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony grinned. (The word 'grinned' isn't a 'speaking' verb.)
✔ "Hi there!" the pink pony shouted. (Exclamations and queries replace the comma.)
(source: The Editor’s Omnibus, https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?hl=en_US)

>>Wrong: “I’m gonna miss you.” she said unwittingly.
>>Correct: “I’m gonna miss you,” she said unwittingly.

Have a look through your story and correct them yourself. I’m not going to point of every single one of them.

.He hoped she didn't say it by accident. “Nothing!” she quickly blurted, before gently adding, “Nothing at all.” Hi-Rez let out a small sigh. Okay, so that WAS by accident, he thought sadly to himself.

Every time you swap into another character’s perspective, you need a new paragraph. Simply put as ‘new speaker, new paragraph’. The correct way to do this would be:

He hoped she didn't say it by accident.

“Nothing!” she quickly blurted, before gently adding, “Nothing at all.”

Hi-Rez let out a small sigh. Okay, so that WAS by accident, he thought sadly to himself.

Also, don’t put the ‘was’ in caps. Use italics if you must.

He’d been blind ever since he was birthed

It should be: ever since he was born

If there are so many creatures outside, why did Zecora build her house out here in the first place? was the first peculiar thought to cross his mind. …then again, she does seem a bit.. off. She rhymes, for one, and this place just feels creepy

Look at how old your character is. 17, if I’m not wrong. Now look how he speaks. That doesn’t sound like a seventeen year old talking, does it?

Overall:

I’ve looked through the prologue and the first chapter pretty thoroughly, but skimmed through the remaining chapters. All in all, I think there’s lots of room for improvement. Brush up your characters, get rid of the info-dumps, and improve on your descriptions. Do read a few writing guides as you go along. They’ll help you get the basics right. And don’t be afraid of rewriting entire sections of your story; I do it all the time

Keep writing.

--cheezesauce, WRITE’s perpetual underground lurker.

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