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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Zero vs Fox
Whelp... Fox is boned.
Needing brushes, combs, ha..fur dyes, ribbons and bows here!
Fox: Aww, someone thinks you'll look good with bows and ribbons Krystal
*Glances at Fox with * Who said those were for her?
Very nice pictures. Why leave if this Crystal formation is a link to Krystals familie? I guess they come back later?
Hope Star Fox get a nice verbal beatdown.
Geat chapter.
Editor is badly needed. Many simpel mistakes.
This was a good chapter, I do look forward to the next chapter
10081492
I, and many others believe, he will get more than a verbal beat down lol.
10081590
The moment the visor cracked, everyone know... He fucked up...
Dont fuck with the human behind the eternal visor...
10081603
Naw considering Zero’s stature and physical capabilities it would be more like this
good more more ummhaha
I need the next chapter ASAP!
"Oh for God's sake, my name is Fox McCloud. Star Fox is my team, not my name."
-A Fox in Space
10081813
It was his crew dude
Calling it! Zer-
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10081434
well. someone called first... BAH! Gonna call it anyway! Jealous/misunderstanding fox boi Fox & crew vs techie doggie protagonist ZerØ incoming! With a side dish of eventually getting chewed out by blu hotie vixen Krystal for unsanctioned, unprovoked and uncalled for hero vs hero combat engagement of non-training variety.
Ah yes, meeting your crush’s parents. The overprotective father and the embarrassing mother. Classy. Great chapter, can’t wait to see how fucked Fox is.
welp things just got awkward huh??
This is incredibly difficult to read. For some reason you have a mile between each paragraph which is just plain annoying and seems to be inserted solely to irritate the reader. The word choice is also very poor, and the diologue reads like something out of the room. Perhaps the worst sin has to be how often words are repeated in the same sentance or paragraph. It sounds almost deliberate with how often this happens. And this was something that was hard to stomach by even the third paragraph. You also desperatly need a real editor, as whomever edited the first chapter did a very poor job. Second chapter was better, but you really need to go back and really put some effort into that first one. Its the first thing a reader will see and leaving it in its current state is not the best idea. Also, numbers should be written out like five, not 5.
With all that being said, I can definetly tell you enjoy writing, and please dont take this as me trying to make you stop doing so. These are just areas that you need to watch out for and some advice on how to get better. If you'd like some more pointers I'd be glad to help.
Best of luck.
Alright a comma?
10082489
While i agree on alot of thoes point any chance rewording that to be kinder? Hes a writer not a politician that deserves the hate.
Speaking of this. Wouldint they think zero kidnapped spike?
Nooo instead of doing the logical thing and walking back out lets continue onward and not tell them anything.
You bitch (not the author the crystal fucker)
Fair.
That made me snort
Calm
Tilted
Krypto
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Chapters
I recommend chaining em like i did. Less place wasted and its technicaly a singel comment replaying to multible things & people.
P.s.
Google Docs for the win against broken english etc.
I use it myself
Nice edits! Not perfect ,but a huge Improvment! 👍
Please for the love of absolutes, fix this!
11338220
First of all don’t so be rude, second okay hold your horses
11338231
Well excuse me if I hold you onto some writing standards.
I'm not going to expect perfection, but doing your best on the grammar would help a lot.
Also, since I have your attention, a suggestion in future chapters.
Instead of using brackets for transitions, I'd recommend rather going as an example;
-- Some time later, in the captains quarters.
It gives it a bit more flow, and also, to add in from constructive criticism, I don't mind the expressions you show on the visors, as it makes a sort of sense. But adding a; "As the situation took a turn into the absurd, Zero's vizor showed a comically surprised O.O in reaction."
Just an example. Add a bit of small touches? That's just me though since you seem to be at least in these chapters, jumping a bit about.
Dunno if that is what you do in recent chapters, but from this point, I see a lot of room for improvement.
11338243
Okay I get what you mean but I wrote this chapter almost two years ago and my writing skill has improved slightly. I’m sorry that I was that good in the past, I’m still working on my writing even now.
Just to let you know, I also don’t really have anyone but myself to look over my stories.
An archive crystal? Why not take it with them?