Those Four Guys

by Kodiologist

What Is This, Some Kind of Joke?

On a Friday evening one year later, the four friends were getting together at a small bar.

"Root beer, please." said Gilbert to the hippogriff waiter, who nodded and darted away.

"Root beer?" said Hearty Hooves, shoving Gilbert playfully. "Aren't we ever gonna get you drunk, Gil?"

"No, I think that the law against alcohol is one thing my country got right," said Gilbert, "judging from what it does to you people." he added in a joking tone, shoving Hearty back.

"Do you miss Griffonstone?" said Whisperwing.

"Not much." said Gilbert. "I visit every few moons. It's nice to see my family, but I've never really regretted moving to Manehattan. It's so… dead there. By comparison. Besides, my girlfriend was happy to meet my parents, but she hates it there."

"Your what?" said the other three simultaneously.

"My girlfriend." said Gilbert, puffing out his feathers smugly.

"Congratulations, brobert!" said Hearty, enveloping Gilbert in a hug that threatened to crush the delicate avian bones of his upper body. "Now, tell us everything!"

"Well, if you insist." said Gilbert, with a grin as wide as his wings. "She's an earth pony. She's twenty-three. She has a light-blue mane and a cream coat. She works in high fashion, but she's very kind and straightforward; she's not prissy and she doesn't look down on me at all."

"What's her name?" said Hearty Hooves.

"Coco Pommel."

Whisperwing arched an eyebrow. "That rings a bell…"

"I remember." said Crag. "She's one of Rarity's colleagues. Rarity mentioned her in class once."

"But the important question is," said Hearty Hooves, "have you gotten lucky yet?"

"Yes," said Gilbert, "as a matter of fact, I have."

"Well?" said Hearty Hooves. "What's the verdict?"

"It's great." said Gilbert with a sudden lack of enthusiasm.

The others stared at him, and he only took a long drink of his root beer as he avoided their gaze.

"Somehow, I'm not convinced." said Whisperwing.

"Well…" said Gilbert. "I'm not lying… it's just… Oh, I'm never going to be satisfied with anything, am I?"

"Did you poke her with a dick-spike?" said Hearty Hooves.

Gilbert didn't dignify that with a response.

"You had it all hyped up, huh?" said Hearty in a more serious tone. "You expected fireworks and a parade and a transcendent life-defining experience and had an orgasm instead?"

"Uh… sort of." said Gilbert. "I mean, I knew that sex couldn't be everything I hoped or wanted it to be, because of course it would be magnified in my imagination by the wait, and sheer longing. So when it was merely nice, and fun, and pleasurable, I was prepared. What I wasn't prepared for… it's hard to articulate."

"Enjoy it while you have it." said Crag with sudden venom.

"Buddy, this is not the time for sex-shaming." said Hearty Hooves defensively.

"No, that's…" Crag sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just bitter. Shelly dumped me. I proposed to her and she said 'no'."

"Crag, buddy," said Whisperwing, taking the dragon's hand in one hoof, "that's awful. Why didn't you tell us?"

"It's been a hard week." said Crag. "Because, I also just learned that this will be my last semester at ESM."

"What?" said Gilbert. "Why?"

"Just what Shelly warned me: rocking the boat. It wasn't just one thing. I've been 'uppity' my whole time at ESM. I'm always challenging bad research practices and trying to do better. I tried to phrase things gently, but my advisor and some other coauthors weren't so slow as to miss the implication that if it really was so necessary to tighten standards, as I was suggesting, then their own careers were built out of straw. I tried citing prominent, respected historians, pony and dragon, who'd made the same criticisms decades ago that I make now, and I thought that would take some of the heat off of me. But it just made me come off as more sure of myself. And it made my demands all the more embarrassing to them."

Crag took a gulp of his gin and tonic. "And they warned me. Repeatedly. And I knew I couldn't live with myself, I knew that doing history would become pointless, if I gave in and did history badly. So I just watched myself kill my own career. Slowly and helplessly."

"Holy Celestia." Whisperwing muttered.

"Shelly's not in grad school, right?" said Gilbert.

"No, she's in college." said Crag. "But I always talked to her about these things, because what is a relationship if you can't talk about what's bothering you? She told me, gently, that I was choosing poorly. And that I was letting grad school consume me, and that I was too stubborn in general. I heard her, and I understood her, but there was never a chance that I was going to change any of those things. The question was just whether she could tolerate it. She decided she couldn't.

"It's devastating. It means that, in some sense… she never loved me for the right reason." Crag shuddered. "But, I dunno, I guess I can't blame her. So here I am after nearly three years in Manehattan with no degree and no girlfriend; just one published paper to my name." He took another drink. "I have to get drunk while I'm still young enough that it's not so expensive."

"So, what now?" said Gilbert.

"I'm keeping the cave, at least." said Crag. "That's convenient. I'm applying to other doctoral programs in history. Mostly in Manehattan. I could end up elsewhere in Equestria. I'd really like a new girlfriend, but that's not my top priority right now."

"I'd hate for you to leave Manehattan." said Gilbert. "We all would."

"Don't worry." said Crag. "I'd definitely come back to visit you guys. It'll give my wings some exercise. And you're my best friends. I mean that."

"You can't be serious about going back to academia," said Whisperwing, "after that."

"I am." said Crag. "It's all the clearer to me now. That's what I'm here to do. I'll find the minority of other historians who are willing to get serious about history, and we'll do what we can. That's the only way the academy can ever be fixed, by people advocating for and practicing change, and braving the scorn of the traditionalists."

The others could practically see the gears turning in Whisperwing's head. Finally, he chuckled. "Celly bless you, Crag; you're shaping up to be a fine leftist. I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

"Thanks." said Crag. "Hearing that from you means a lot to me."

There was a lull in the conversation for some time, and then Whisperwing said, "Hearty, what have you been up to? Who are you dating?"

"Nopony yet." said Hearty. "I've been pretty focused on school. I'm sure it's not as hard as the stuff you've been doing, Crag, but it doesn't come to me that easy. I still feel like a yokel sometimes. I'm busting my plot just to get 'B's. And, well, when the work's very abstract, like in math, it's hard to stay motivated."

"Oh, that sucks." said Gilbert.

"Well, actually, things are a lot better than they were before." said Hearty. "I actually know what want I now! I'm gonna be a social worker."

Whisperwing leaned back. "My friend, I hate to say things like 'you?', but…"

"Shut up, Whispy." said Hearty. "If you hate to say it, then don't. I know it's going to be hard and I'm gonna be in school for a while. But I know what I want. And what's the greatest virtue of the humble earth pony? Stubbornness. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get through those classes; I'm gonna get neck-deep in the worst personal crises that the ordinary folk of Manehattan have to offer; and I'm gonna help them get the things that I take for granted, like bein' able to go to college, 'cause I have family that can support me when I'm doing fanciful things like that, 'stead of me having to say home so I can support them. I love Manehattan, and I wanna make it a better place."

"Well, that's very noble of you." said Gilbert.

Whisperwing shrugged. "Far be it from me to stop you."

"Yeah." said Hearty Hooves, grinning.

"This is about girls, though, isn't it?" said Gilbert.

"No." said Hearty. "It's not about all the cute girls I'll be studying with. They're just a bonus."

"Yeah, that sounds more like you." said Crag.

"How about you, Whispy?" said Hearty Hooves. "How are you coping without my tender embraces?"

"Somehow, inexplicably, I'm surviving." said Whisperwing in his most sarcastic voice. He took a sip of his screwdriver and continued in a more serious tone "Basalt and I are still dating… despite what I think I expected."

"Yeah, I'm surprised." said Hearty. "So have you ended up going on the fabled voyage to the center of the cloaca after all?"

"I'm going to need a lot of nachos for this." said Whisperwing. "Waiter? Well, er, yes, we tried to have sex. Once. He's generous, which is an important skill in this domain, but his lack of enthusiasm is infectious. I don't think I can enjoy sex with someone who is so little invested in it himself. The anatomy differences and the size differences are unhelpful. In fact, although it took me some time to admit it to myself, I'm not physically attracted to him. He's kind of cute, but that's not enough for my sexual appetite. His impressive size is a terrible waste without a penis to match."

"Oh, that sounds pretty depressing." said Gilbert.

"What would you even do with a penis of that size?" said Crag.

Whisperwing shrugged. "Admire it, I suppose. It would be something."

"I can tell you what I'd do with it." said Hearty.

"Spare me." said Crag.

"So why do you think you're still together?" said Gilbert to Whisperwing in a sympathetic tone. "Just inertia?"

"That's the funny thing." said Whisperwing. "This relationship is actually the best relationship I've ever had. Despite the sexual dissatisfaction; despite how I always imagined loving a fellow intellectual, a scientist or an artist or an activist; I like what I have. We get along better than I've ever gotten along with anycreature. The truth is, I love him.

"Will that ever change? Well, who can say? It's good enough for now. More than good enough. And for Basalt, even if I grow old and die with him, he'll only know me for a small part of life. For most of his life, I'll be a memory. It was only once I thought about that that I realized how patient he is with me, and how he treasures every moment. Imagine how Princess Cadance feels about Shining Armor."

Hearty Hooves could only say "Huh."

"It's a scary thought," said Crag, "that you guys and every other pony and griffon I know are going to be dead inside of a century. I try not to think about it."

"It sounds a little spooky just to live that long." said Hearty Hooves. "Eons passing you by and all that."

"Not at all." said Crag. "I'm happy to know how much history I'll get to see with my own eyes. I just wish I could bring you squirts along for the ride."

"But you say you're unsatisfied." Gilbert pressed Whisperwing.

"In some ways, yes." said Whisperwing.

"So move on." said Gilbert. "Dude, I thought you were about changing things instead of just tolerating them. You deserve better than this."

"I can't speak to what I deserve. Other than these nachos." (Which had just arrived.) "Mmm, seitan." Whisperwing dug in without so much as a pause in his speech. "I keep thinking about starting a diet, but there always seems to be something more important to attend to first. On that note, Gilbert, I feel ultimately that my dissatisfaction is not important. What I have isn't perfect, but I'm happy with it, and that's much more than I've ever had before. Some matters, such as mathematics, and politics, are important to me. I feel they're worth getting right. But for everything else, such as food, relationships, and tabletop role-playing games, 'good enough' is good enough. Life's too short for perfectionism. In my research, on the other hoof, there are still lots of challenges, but I'm making more progress than ever—not that any of you cared enough to ask."

"Yeah, your math stuff isn't the kind of thing I… understand." said Gilbert.

"Gil," said Hearty, "I get what you're saying to Whispy, but you didn't sound totally satisfied with the critter you've been smooching yourself."

"Well…" Gilbert fidgeted uncomfortably. "I think it's not that there's anything bad, or anything missing. I like Coco a lot. It's just… I don't know what… I don't know what I want now. I was trying to get a girlfriend for so long—since I was twelve, more or less—that now it's like, now what?"

"Hmm." said Crag. "I remember you asked me, that night you nearly got yourself killed by a linnorm, what you were expected to do with your life without a girlfriend. It seems that you don't know what to do with one, either."

Gilbert sighed. "Yep. Ironic, isn't it?"

"Wait, is that technically ironic?" said Hearty.

"I swear to your respective cultures' traditional deities," said Crag, "that if you have this discussion in front of me, I will devour both of you."

"Kinky." said Hearty.

"I dunno." said Gilbert. "Thinking about it, talking to you guys, it seems like you all have something going for you. I mean, Crag, I'm not trying to minimize what happened to you, but you're obviously really passionate about changing how history researchers do things, and I envy that. Whispy's got his math, and Hearty's got this new social-worker thing he's working towards. You all have something you're fighting for that gives you a sense of meaning. I don't."

"You don't have to struggle, bro." said Hearty. "It's totally okay to just enjoy what you have."

"I do enjoy it." said Gilbert. "And it's not that I want to struggle. It's just… I need… say. Hmm."

"What is it?" said Crag.

"Have any of you guys been to Griffonstone?" said Gilbert. None of them had. "Yeah, I'm not surprised. It's a landscape only a griffon could love. At least the Dragonlands have some cool volcanoes. But you know, it's easy to describe what's missing from there the most and why Manehattan's so much better." He paused. "Crag? Whispy? You guys should know this." Crag stared back uncomprehendingly while Whisperwing stared at what was left of the nachos. "Hearty?"

"Friendship?" Hearty hazarded.

"Exactly." said Gilbert. "There's no community in Griffonstone. There's no sense of mutual aid, or even mutual interest. Nogriffon wants to know anything about anygriffon outside of immediate family. Even arranged marriage is just an elaborate way to minimize social contact. And guys, I don't know what I would've done without you, all this time in Equestria. We need to see each other more often again. It's been a while."

"For sure." said Hearty.

"Yes, by all means." said Whisperwing.

"So, I think that's what I need to do with my life." said Gilbert. "At least for now. I'm not sure how, but I need to do something to spread friendship and community. My thoughts turned inward, to just the two of us, when I finally got that girlfriend, but I need to look outward. Maybe I'll go grease the squeaky wheel back home, or maybe I'll figure out something here. I've gotta find some way to… let the magic of friendship grow."

"Maybe it's the cider talkin'," said Hearty Hooves, "but I feel a song coming on."

"No, please, Hearty, not in public." said Gilbert. "I'm still not that much of a pony. Yet."