Those Four Guys

by Kodiologist

Shining Armor Isn't Gay

Gilbert continued to mope as the days went by and he didn't receive a letter—nor, as he most liked to imagine, a surprise visit—from Evening Breeze begging his forgiveness. Hearty Hooves declared that to cheer him up, they should go to Tenderhoof, a massive sex shop downtown.

"How's that supposed to cheer him up?" said Crag, stretching his head around to look at Hearty Hooves, who was riding on his back. Crag flew alongside Gilbert and Whisperwing as they admired the stars high above and the ocean far below. "Must you keep reminding him of what he doesn't have?"

"Oh, let him speak for himself." said Hearty. "What do you think, Gil?"

Gilbert flapped closer, carefully staying out of the way of Crag's massive wings. "Well… uh… I guess Crag's got a point. But honestly, I think that'd be fun. It's not like I'm trying not to think about sex or something. Sure, masturbation's lonely sometimes, but on the other foot, it gives me a certain independence." (Hearty Hooves was sorely tempted to interject "It doesn't have to be lonely.", but thought better of it.) "I don't have to wait for a girl who's into me to get sexual satisfaction."

"See, that's a good attitude." said Hearty. "Crag, Whispy, are you coming?"

"Not interested." said Crag. "I need to get some sleep, anyway. I'll just drop you off there."

"I'll come." said Whisperwing. "I enjoy that place." Hearty Hooves looked at him wide-eyed. "What?"

"I… I thought you'd have some objection, is all." said Hearty.

Whisperwing snorted. "There are plenty of objectionable things for sale there, but no shortage of perfectly good things, too."

"Well," said Hearty, "I suppose I shouldn't look a—hmm, look an irritable horse in the mouth."

---

To Gilbert, the store was intimidatingly large. It had three floors, a distinctive black-and-red color scheme, and salesponies numerous enough to be helpful but also appropriately mindful of how jumpy and uncomfortable people could be in a sex shop. Gilbert was surprised, maybe even a little scandalized, to see just as many mares in the store as elsewhere in Manehattan. This was a far cry from Griffonstone, where only the youngest and most noncomformist of hens would publicly indicate an active interest in sex, especially when cocks were around.

Whisperwing opined that something else was intimidatingly large. "They seem to have bigger ones every time I check here," he said, standing before shelves upon shelves of dildos. "Meanwhile, pony orifices aren't getting any bigger, so who buys these?" He gestured at one that rivaled the size of the foreleg with which he was gesturing. "Capitalism is deeply bizarre."

"I'm sure somepony does." said Hearty. "There's naught queer as pones—especially queer pones."

"The racial diversity is nice, though." said Whisperwing. "Look, this one's an ovipositor. And this one has spines, like—"

"How about this stuff, though, huh?" Gilbert broke in quickly. He pointed a talon at small vials of a glowing green liquid that were sold in pairs. "It says 'Potion of Exchange'. What gets exchanged?"

"Entire bodies." said Whisperwing. "You drink it with a partner and the two of you live in each other's bodies for a short time. I'm surprised it got approved for recreational use. It was intended as a psychiatric treatment for certain kinds of relationship conflict. Then, like all technology, people used it for sex."

"Can't blame 'em." said Hearty. "That is smokin' hot. I've always liked to imagine being a sexy mare. And then, on top a' that, bein' able to have sex with myself… phew."

"I can absolutely see the appeal." said Whisperwing, nodding. "And maybe it would increase empathy between partners, or at least their understanding of what the other's body feels like to have sex in, which must be a particularly salient issue for opposite-sex couples. I assume."

"Gil, you've been quiet." said Hearty. "What do you think?"

Gilbert shrugged. "Seems pretty gay to me."

"Gay?" said Hearty. "When you're having sex with a mare? But you'd be in an opposite-sex body, so you're still having straight sex."

"Don't be dense, Hearty." said Whisperwing. "Gil is obviously right. Both members of an opposite-sex couple who get exchanged would be having sex with a person who has the genitals of their original sex. Being in a new body won't change who you're attracted to."

"Whatever." said Hearty. "Are we here to argue or buy stuff?"

"Argue, obviously." said Gilbert, trying not to laugh.

Hearty went to the second floor to look at clothes while Gilbert and Whisperwing continued to explore the magic section. "The 'want-it-need-it' spell?" said Gilbert, reading from a page of The Horniest Little Spellbook in Equestria. "Isn't that infamously dangerous?"

"Yes." said Whisperwing, looking over Gilbert's shoulder. "In the School of Friendship, I heard Twilight give a lecture about—oh, this isn't even a real spell description. This is pseudomagic. See, look, this notation is just gibberish in Old Ponish. I'm disappointed that Tenderhoof is mixing this kind of garbage into the same section as their actual magical goods, but it comes to show that a sex shop isn't the first place to go for a rigorous spellbook."

"How do you even know about magic? You're a pegasus."

"There's a lot of overlap with mathematics. A good mathematician needs to know a few things about magic. For that matter, unicorns can't get very far into spellcasting without learning some math."

"If you say so." said Gilbert. "But that looks real." He pointed at a string of anal beads that was moving through the air on its own, like a flying snake.

"That it is." said Whisperwing. "It's more fun than it looks, too, if you're quite careful with it. I have a small one."

"Hearty said… that you masturbate, but don't admit it. I think."

"Hearty says a lot of things. I do masturbate, and I'll be the first to admit it, but…" Whisperwing flapped his wings in irritation, knocking down a small figurine of Princess Cadance in a sexy outfit. The box read "The Royal MILB". Whisperwing sighed quietly and put it back on the shelf. "Look, here's something you might actually like." he said, pointing at a tube of yellow cloth. "It's a masturbation sleeve with an integrated illusion projector. You can program in the appearance of a partner to your liking and get a sort of animated sex doll."

"Actually," said Gilbert, "that does sound lonelier than I'm ready for… and geez," he continued, squinting at the price tag, "it's not cheap."

"Hmm." said Whisperwing, looking around. "This is probably my favorite sex toy." He picked up what looked like a pair of large copper bracelets. "It's a small magic portal that lets you penetrate yourself. But, I suppose it would be too gay for you."

"Yeah, I like some butt stuff, but that's a dick too far."

"Understandable. I myself prefer topping, when it comes to partnered sex. If you're ever curious what anal sex or oral sex are like, though, it's a good way to get your feet wet—or rather, your glans wet. You can do some fun things with it with a partner, too. Anyway…" Whisperwing stroked his chin. "Oh, I know. Here's another versatile one."

Whisperwing picked up a jar of pale orange fluid. Gilbert could see it bubbling gently, even though the lid was tightly sealed. "'Erogenous Ointment'?" Gilbert read aloud. "What the herring is that?"

"You smear it on any part of your skin and the affected part becomes a strongly erogenous zone." said Whisperwing. "So, rubbing or otherwise stimulating the area feels just as erotically exciting as stimulating your genitals."

"Why would I want that when I already have a penis?"

"Because there are all other sorts of sensations you can have. You can put it on your tongue, for example, which is already a wet and flexible organ, and masturbate to orgasm merely by licking the inside of your mouth. You can put it on your tail or leg and feel like you have a gigantic second penis. Or you can just put it on your wings and—well, in your case, I'm guessing, your forefeet, and masturbate normally, and feel twice the stimulation."

"Wow, I'm sold." said Gilbert with a lascivious grin. He picked up a jar. "It sounds fun to come up with more ways to use it, too."

"It is."

"Thanks, dude." Gilbert thought. "Say, earlier, you were saying something about Hearty? That he 'says a lot of things'?"

"Oh, yes." said Whisperwing. "Well, Gil… can you not talk about this to Hearty? What I'm about to tell you?"

"Sure, no problem. What's the issue?"

"I asked Hearty for a real date a few moons ago. I thought we'd be a great match. He turned me down, and now he kind of mocks me for it. And I'm bitter about it. I know I shouldn't be, that he was perfectly entitled to say 'no'. But I am." Whisperwing shrugged sadly.

"Oh." said Gilbert quietly. "Um… did he say why?"

"Yes. He said I'm too young for him. He's twenty-eight and I'm twenty. I, personally, don't see the problem with that sort of age gap."

"Yeah, that's… say, did you know that he came onto me the other day?"

Whisperwing stared at Gilbert. "He did? Very interesting. And you're nineteen, right?"

"Yep."

"Very interesting." Whisperwing glowered. "All right, let's settle this." He trotted over to the staircase. As luck would have it, Hearty Hooves was coming down at the same time.

"No, Whispy, don't do this!" said Gilbert.

"Do what?" said Hearty.

"So Gilbert tells me you propositioned him." said Whisperwing, before Gilbert could interrupt.

Hearty glanced perplexedly at Gilbert, who was covering his face with his forefeet, then back at Whisperwing. "So what if I did?"

"I'm too young for you, but he's not?" said Whisperwing. "You don't need a combinatorial proof to show that that math doesn't add up."

Hearty looked very uncomfortable. "All right, brobinowitz. You got me. I made that up. Tryin' to be nice."

"So what's the real reason?" said Whisperwing. "We're both what the other's looking for right now, aren't we?"

"Now, now, girls…" said Gilbert, nervously glancing around to see if passers-by were staring. They weren't.

"Well, I didn't want to say this," said Hearty Hooves, "but, you're kind of a prude, Whispy. I don't think we'd get along."

Whisperwing was deeply offended. "Me? A prude? How the hay did you reach that conclusion? What, because I don't spend eight hours a day manning a glory hole, I'm not sexually liberated enough for you? Is that the minimum requirement for a gay stallion, in your mind? Am I failing to meet your personal cocksucking quota?"

"It's your business what you do with your body." said Hearty Hooves, probably more angrily than this particular sentence had ever been said before. "But it isn't what I'd want in a relationship. That's all!"

"Calm down, guys." said Gilbert, trying to play the peacemaker, but only being reminded that nocreature ever calms down when you tell them to. "Er, Hearty Hooves, maybe you could explain to me why you feel that Whisperwing would be, uh, too prudish for your needs."

"Well, he's always talking about how he's not interested in casual sex, for one thing." said Hearty.

"So do you," said Whisperwing, "you imbecilic mudpony!"

Hearty was shocked. Now some bystanders were paying attention. That wasn't the sort of word that you said quite that loudly in Equestria without getting negative attention. Even Gilbert knew that.

"How could you say that?" said Hearty, in a genuinely hurt tone.

Whisperwing looked around at the shoppers staring at him. "That was too far." he said, after a silence. "I'm sorry."

"'Sorry' isn't good enough," said Hearty, "you chickenfeathered faggot." Whisperwing looked shocked, too, and Hearty said "There. Now we're even."

Whisperwing looked down. "Yeah. I guess."

The three of them stood there in an uncomfortable silence. A small hippogriff meekly asked if he could squeeze by them to get some lubricant from the shelves they were standing in front of, so they got out of the way, and that roused them from their torpor.

"That's not the real reason either, is it?" said Whisperwing. "I mean… the way you phrased it, by calling me a prude, stung. There's a lot of pressure for gay stallions to be 'sexually liberated', which in reality has nothing to do with liberation or class consciousness, and everything to do with conformity to norms of promiscuity. But I know what you actually meant. I have moral objections to things like professional pornography. You think my scruples are silly and needlessly restrictive. But you can't really think that that would stand in the way of us having a sexually fulfilling relationship. I like sex. You know that. And you don't think sex is everything, the way some ponies do. So actually, we have an important point of potential compatibility here."

"Yeah." said Hearty Hooves. "That's all true."

"So what's the real reason?"

Hearty Hooves frowned. "You really want to know?"

"I do."

"Can you promise not to give me a hard time about it?"

"Yes."

"Like you gave me a hard time about the other thing literally five minutes ago?"

"I promise, Hearty. I'm sorry."

"I'm just not attracted to you, Whispy. That's it."

Whisperwing clenched his teeth. "Well, thanks for telling me. That really hurts. But it's not your fault. You're courageous to have told me so."

Gilbert licked his beak. So at least by Hearty Hooves's reckoning—

Whisperwing, who was thinking approximately the same thing, said "But you're into Gilbert."

"Yeah." said Hearty, not looking at Gilbert.

"Why?" said Whisperwing.

"What do you mean, 'why'?" said Hearty. "You know, wingéd Cupid is paint—"

"It's because he's straight, isn't it?" said Whisperwing.

"What?" Hearty and Gilbert said at the same time.

"I'm thinking about it now and I can't remember you ever describing a stallion as attractive who might conceivably be attracted to you. Not counting yourself, I suppose. Coal Shovel is straight. Running Brook is straight. The registrar's husband is presumably straight. Your biggest celebrity crush is—"

"—Shining Armor." said Hearty Hooves. "Oh no. I think you're right."

"A lot of gay guys like straight boys, Hearty." said Whisperwing. "Especially Shining Armor. Who doesn't want Shiny's heinie? That interview where he finally denied the rumor that he had an eye for stallions was one of the most heartbreaking things I ever read. But if you want an actual boyfriend, you need to move on at some point. Enjoy them as eye candy, but don't invest all your precious homosexual desire in them. Or get a girlfriend instead."

"Yeah." said Hearty. "Maybe I'd better to stick to mares for now."

"Have you ever dated a guy?" Gilbert ventured.

"No." said Hearty.

"Are you sure you don't wanna try with Whispy?" said Gilbert, who was as surprised as anycreature to find himself suddenly invested in this ship.

"I'm sure." said Hearty.

"Yeah, now I myself suspect it may be for the better." said Whisperwing.

"Okay, let's get out of here already." said Gilbert. "It's late and I have a hot date with a jar of orange goop."