Those Four Guys

by Kodiologist

Autodidacticsm

Crag listened with interest as Gilbert told him what had happened at Tenderhoof the other night. Hearty Hoof chuckled good-naturedly at the whole thing while Whisperwing contributed a few details. Gilbert and the ponies sat on a large boulder in Canter Park while Crag sat beside them in the grass.

"It feels odd to talk about sexuality on a nice sunny morning like this." said Crag, shifting his weight. He felt much more comfortable in an open natural setting like this one than in the cramped buildings the ponies lived in.

"What are you talkin' about?" said Hearty Hooves. "What's more light and vivacious and vernal than sex?"

"I dunno." said Crag. "It's just… well, I feel bad, knowing all of you are looking for significant others, and there's not much I can do for you. A lot of the people I know are dragons; a lot of the non-dragons are my students, and I think setting one of my students up with one of my friends would be kind of creepy. It's not quite against the rules, but it seems in poor taste."

The others agreed it wouldn't be a good look.

"Actually, I'm not so sure I'm on the prowl anymore." said Hearty.

"Hmm?" said Gilbert.

"I thought about it," said Hearty, "and all my relationships have sucked. I never dumped her—she always dumped me—but still, none of 'em were much good, if I'm honest. Anyway, I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. College is a stalling tactic. I still haven't decided on a major, let alone what I'm gonna do once I'm outta here."

"You're a little old to be in college, aren't you?" said Gilbert.

"Yeah." said Hearty. "I spent… a lot of my life working on the folks' farm, but after a point, I had to realize that I'd never like it and I'd never be good at it. My little sibs are perfectly at home there, anyway. They don't need me. So I went to college in the big city, if only to change things as much as I could. Turns out that wherever you go, there you are. Who knew?"

"Where'd you go to college, Crag?" said Gilbert.

"I didn't." said Crag.

"So then how'd you get into grad school?"

"Learning works differently in the Dragonlands. We don't have schools. Our parents teach us the basic things, the kinds of things that ponies teach in primary school. That's the chief part of parenting, as we see it. After that, usually after a dragon turns ten, it's up to him or her to study things if he or she's inclined. History, remembering and retelling the past, has always been one of our great strengths as a race—we have continuous written records far older than the oldest pony writings, and, frankly, a much deeper oral tradition as well—so it isn't too unusual these days for dragons to want to become historians at Equestrian schools. I applied to ESM and they accepted me on the basis of my past contributions to draconic literature and a sample lecture. Also, I like to think I know Old Ponish and pre-Equestrian pony history pretty well for a dragon, and that helped. Not to mention having graduated from the School of Friendship." Crag looked up. "Sorry, that was probably more of a lecture than you'd wanted."

"Maybe a little." said Gilbert, smiling. Griffons didn't send their youngest chicks to primary school, either, but Griffonstone had had universal education for teenagers for some time. Gilbert had completed that just before moving to Equestria.

Hearty Hooves, leafing through a newspaper, said, "Oh, speaking of that school, this gossip column says that Applejack and Rainbow Dash are dating. The photograph isn't real convincing, though."

"Finally." said Whisperwing. "The sexual tension between the two of them was absurd. I didn't see them together often, and Applejack left after my and Crag's first year, but when I did…"

"I thought the rumor was that Applejack had a thing for Rarity, and Rainbow Dash for Twilight." said Gilbert.

"Yeah, yeah, there are a lot of rumors." said Whisperwing. "They're six young mares who are famous for being such close friends. Of course everypony thought they were having orgies all the time. Wishful thinking, just like Cadance's mythological harem. Twilight is showing no indication of deviating from Celestia and Luna's tradition of celibacy."

"Ponies have an ancient tradition of celibacy as a marker of status, and a source of legitimacy." said Crag. "The old unicorn monarchy was maintained through appointment, not a bloodline. It was something of a liability that marriage wasn't available as a means to form alliances. On the other hand, free choice of a successor helps with ensuring the competence of rulers—look at the eminently qualified Twilight Sparkle—and being able to dangle that kind of gift over the heads of lower-ranking nobles helps to keep the aristocracy loyal to the crown. And… personally, I think there's benefit to being above the fray of horniness. It must not be nice to have to deal with sexual feelings."

"Just 'cause Twilight's not getting any doesn't mean she doesn't feel it." said Hearty Hooves.

"Tell me about it." Gilbert grumbled.

"Ah, yes, I guess that's true." said Crag. "But… well… don't you ever wish you didn't have these feelings? It seems very burdensome sometimes. All-consuming."

"What?" said Hearty. "No."

"What kind of question is that?" said Gilbert.

"You have no idea what you're missing, bro." Hearty added.

Crag looked wordlessly at Whisperwing.

"All right, I suppose the thought passes through my mind sometimes." said Whisperwing. "But it's a silly hypothetical. Sexuality is not optional. The only choice we get to make is what to do with those emotions and motivations."

"All these ridiculously elaborate magical sex toys," said Crag, "and nopony's hit on a way to just remove the issue entirely. That, you really have to admit, is the peak of pony decadence. You have so much technology and so little wisdom to use it with."

"Tough talk for a race with no notion of public health." said Hearty.

"Let's not get into it, gentlemen." said Whisperwing quickly. "Listen, Crag. Do you think you could set me up with a dragon?"

Crag's eyes widened. "Seriously?"

"Yes. At this point in my life, sex is not what I'm really aching for."

"You should hear about Whispy's wild and crazy teenage years." said Hearty, nudging Gilbert.

"Hmm." said Crag. "I don't suppose you'd consider a female dragon."

"That's not what I'm looking for, no." said Whisperwing.

"That's a shame." said Crag. "There aren't a lot of gay dragons, and poor Magma's been single for a long time. But I can ask."

"Thanks." said Whisperwing.

"Any port in a storm, huh?" said Gilbert.

Whisperwing looked at him severely. "You're one to talk, being so desperate."

Gilbert, chastened, didn't reply. At least, he said to himself, he had a date that very night. This time, maybe he'd finally get lucky.