The New Lunar Republic, How it all began

When Luna saves a Pony from certain death at her sisters hoof, she learns the truth about how equestia was keep in check, and that some secrets, should say secret.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 8 )

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psp7master

psp7master #1 · Dec 15th, 2011 · · · WHY? ·

Well, what can I say? First of all, the concept is very promising. I am eager to know what happens next. I approve of your style as well.

However, try not to rush the story and pay more attention to details. And please, choose what tense are you going to use in your narration. Reading "He turns" and "He sighed", "She lowered" and "She checks" in same paragraph is a bit disturbing, to my mind. You seem to change from present to past and vice versa every para or so. Unless it is your zest, of course. In general, I'm not the one to judge, but I suppose you should take your time and write at a slower pace.

Hope that wasn't offensive.
Peace.

skywishes

skywishes #2 · Dec 17th, 2011 · · · WHY? ·

69246 Fixed it, and made a few words that were meant to be emphasized a little more clearer, and thank you for watching. it means the world that people actually like my story

psp7master

psp7master #3 · Dec 17th, 2011 · · · WHY? ·

72553
Now we're talking! Nice to see most mistakes are fixed! However... "Equestria" begins with a capital letter... hehe
Hope you will be improving day by day! Cheers!
P.s. 5/5 and following. I love political fiction!

skywishes

skywishes #4 · Dec 19th, 2011 · · · WHY? ·

72668 I am updating by the day, even though it gets into my writing of chapter 2, i still like to have a well written story, even if it means i have to edit iot myself