If you leave a like and/or favorite, please tell me why, I want to know what I'm doing right, and what needs to be worked on. May the Horse be with you.
the mind realm is seeping into the realm of the living, and there is only one creature can return it to normal. Edahs Rentuh, a nomad changeling is the only way to contact the heroes of the past to help combat the villians of the future. Will Edahs be able to repair the mind realm or will the spirits held there run amok in Equestria.
Note: this story mostly takes place during Luna's time on the moon, but goes through the series and beyond.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Keep doing well little bro!
Any pony try to hate on me
bring it on. You hate on me I will hand you your flank on a silver platter, with a silver spoon 
Come on anypony the balls in your court
1144148Why are you inviting people to hate your story?
1146159 be assertive and the most wild dogs will heel
and if they don't like it they can deal with all twelve of my personalities 
does that answer your question
1146358Uh...I guess...
Who disliked our story why please tell us, We still won't care, but we'd still like a reason.
1146478 Did we scare you if we did we humbly apologize if not thank you for your concern we can handle anything anypony throws at us. We have something haters don't we have
DE MAGICKS
Ok, second fic of yours tonight... damn, I'm on a roll. Hopefully this one doesn't make me want to hurt myself... *peeks at first chapter*
...
Spoke too soon, didn't I? Edahs Rentuh? Hutner Shade? Hunter Shade? Name implies Gary Stu. Moving on. Holy wall of exposition, batmare! Format moar pl0x. Also, use spellcheck more, so you don't get embarrassing misspellings such as 'seect ' or 'villians'. I like the idea of a spirit realm, where ideas have power, but the execution here is lacking. Why do the princesses need this guy to help them defeat Discord? Oh, and look, he's a changeling. Again. Basically, you shoehorn him in here to establish that he's powerful enough to weaken Discord, and imply that the princesses depended on him to do so... why does he need to exist? This 'lone figure' shows up and does things the princesses were assumed to be competent enough to do themselves in canon, and it feels like you're defiling something, really, because I'm honestly expecting this character to be a near irredeemably bad, overpowered self-insert like Cress/Tobias was. Canon rape! Someone call the fanfiction police!
Hunter of Shadow? Subtle, real subtle. You know backwards words stop being a code when people learn how to read books more complex than 'Spot the Dog', right? Oh, and your chapter names need capitalisation, because at the moment they look really amateur. Wow, this guy actually injects a little bit of emotion into his life. Not much, but it's at least implied that he feels something. Contrived angst is contrived. He could always, you know, change into a form that isn't a changeling and talk to ponies? Eat some love, do some good deeds, make up for being a horrible insect monster by becoming a hero? It seems like the only thing stopping him from integrating into Equestrian society as a well-meaning parasite is an author contrived 'Spah creepin' 'round here!' sign held over his head at all times. Basically, if he can get into Canterlot undetected, and hold up a (stilted, overly angsty) conversation with Celestia, he has no reason to mope around going 'woe is me, for I am a monster. Why do these ponies always pick up on this?'. Changelings have perfectly reasonable reasons to angst, without contriving new ones. Like the fact that they feed on love, and thus if they start to empathise with ponies they must deal with the fact they are slowly killing those around them. Or if they fall in love themselves, and find they could never show their true form to their lover without causing them great pain or loss of the relationship.
By Celestia's saggy left arsecheek, this fic is a drag to read. Whenever someone starts talking aloud, the surroundings are subsumed into the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue, so every conversation takes place in a vacuum. Your spelling and grammar are honestly offensive, but not so bad as to make your prose illegible, and it makes these conversations come out very flat and lifeless. Read your work aloud, and try to picture what kind of tone each line should take on. I tried it with this, and the only tone that fit was the flat monotone I usually reserve for roleplaying a Warforged in dungeons and dragons.
The 'character' Edahs is quite annoying to me by the end of chapter 2, and he's barely done anything yet. Does he have amnesia? Seems so. Why is he called Edahs? It's not subtle, and it's not a very good name, so why not call him Hunter Shade? It still sounds a bit Gary Stuish, but it doesn't insult the reader's intelligence by implying that reading backwards is a difficult task that only the smarter readers will cotton on to. Remove it, it's annoying. Likewise Enaj. Call it Jane from the start, so when I swear at it, it's name at least rolls easily off the tongue. He can breath fire, which obviously makes him Speshul, and he changes shape randomly as the plot requires. Good job, he's now a plot device rather than a character.
How to make this better... mmmh... learn decent sentence structure, because everything feels so choppy it hurts to read. Make your writing flow. Describe what characters are doing when they're speaking, or explore the thoughts of Shade, so the aforementioned planar merge doesn't occur. For the love of Luna, use a damn SPELLCHECKER. Don't add angst that makes no sense, and don't add it because you think it makes a character 'deep'. Trust me, angst for the sake of angst is just as shallow as power for the sake of power, when it comes to character traits. How is this annoying changeling OC surviving in the wilds by the way? They need to feed on love, so unless he's feeding on the love of God, or his own love of bacon, or something equally stupid, he should probably be starving to death. Read other people's fics, especially the ones which are high rated, but don't copy their ideas. That is important. Note their writing styles, and compare them to your own. Basically, LURK MOAR. Your writing will improve for it.
Whoosh!
1251955 Thank you for the input we were thinking about a rewrite anyway it just didn't seem right to us. Honesty is greatly appreciated, thank you.
