- Member Since 12th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Last Sunday
SunnyDontLook
I write horse words. Sometimes people pay me to.
SunnyDontLook
Joined 12th Sep, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Summary is a combination of 3rd and 2nd person.
Entire story is in 1st person.
9802351
uh shit. I fixed it.
The beginning gives the idea that its gonna be anthro. Might wanna change that.
9802372 There are still a few parts that don’t use the first person:
>”I was already feeling the teasing, the memories of the time you had been with her. There was a flush of blood to your member, the first couple inches spilling out of your sheath.”
>”She had seen your aroused look.”
The writing is... fair. Could do with a small bit of polishing, but it’s very fluid overall, though the fact that it’s currently detached from any story (I *know* the rest is to come, it’s just how it feels currently, as of this comment) does make things a bit confusing at the beginning.
The clip itself is well-written, no issue with that, and while it’s not doing a fantastic job at being original - which is fine, just nothing I’ve never seen, is all -, it does convey what it should, namely the passion and arousal of both.
Personally though, I abhor the concept of “friendship with benefits”, so I can’t find it in myself to like the characters. But that’s just my opinion, others may - will - certainly grow fond of them, and maybe I will too, in time, while reading what’ll come after this OS. At least, you’ll know why i downvoted it, instead of wondering: it is a matter of opinion, nothing more, and nothing less.
With all that, I wish you a good day nonetheless!
Apple Chocolate
P.S.: My review has been made disregarding the errors in narration, as they were not intentional, and were mostly corrected by the time I’d started reading.