A "person" wakes up from a dream to what he thinks is another dream in an apple farm. Unaware of what happened to him he enjoys the view. He is in one big surprise.
Chapters (3)
sol flare
Joined 25th Jun, 2012 ·
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Hey everypony! this here is my first mlp fanfic and it is still in progress, I hope you all like it.
Pretty cliche start, and in the second paragraph you've got "laying" written down twice and misspelled "excitement" during Applebloom's intro.
But other than that, not bad.
1090766 Yeah the beginning is cliche, and thanks it's great to hear someone else's input.
I liked it very much. I look forward to another installment.
1094681 Thanks and chapter two is in progress I'd say in two more days there will be another chapter up.
kwl can't wait. keep it up.
You have an interesting premise, and I'll be checking back on this story. However you do have a few grammatical mistakes (i.e. some missing commas and semicolons), but nothing really serious. Several words could be replaced to improve the sentences (i.e. when you put "jesters", the proper word is "gestures"; the former is a type of clown and the latter is to motion to something), and perhaps you could expand the story a bit by devoting a couple paragraphs to set up a scene, or a few extra sentences to describe something. Just a little extra imagery to really put the reader in exactly where you want them to be. And (not to be mean), the premise is a tad bit cliche, but then again so was my first one (which has thankfully been taken down so you don't have to see more of my terrible writing).
Also, you had better not just drop this story like a hot potato. Always finish what you start, at least that's how I was taught. Either way, hope my commentary helped. Though (not going to lie), I really wish I could edit this story and hand it back to you, just to see what you think about my contributions to it. But alas, I'm not the author here
1334156 Thank you very much for your input. It is great to receive advice from another writer. I am sorry to inform you that I have dropped this story. I do love it and I had many plans for it but I am busy with school and I can't get my mind to focus enough to make it a good story. So for now it will stay in the dark but around my breaks it will defiantly come in to the light.