The Everfree Horror
“I think we might be lost,” said the younger sister.
“We can’t have gone too far,” said the elder, trying to keep the worry out of her voice.
The two young sisters were not far from the farm which was their home. But lost in the darkness of the Everfree Forest, they might have been miles away. Those woods have a way of playing with a pony’s mind. The familiar path had long since vanished from under their hooves. It no longer mattered which way they went, any direction would surely lead them deeper into the forest.
“What’s that?” said the elder sister.
“I heard it too,” said the younger.
“It sounds like…voices.”
So it was. Dark whisperings floated through the trees and seemed to hold sinister conversation with their hissing leaves. Instinct told the sisters to flee from the voices, but they resisted. The speakers were at least ponies, they reasoned. There were darker things in this wood, weren’t there?
No. Not tonight there weren’t.
They crept toward the voices as quietly as they could and peered into a clearing. Seven cloaked ponies stood in a ring, quietly murmuring something. The sisters exchanged a fearful glance. They were trespassers here, and they knew it.
The elder sister tried to creep silently backward through the wet brush, tried to gesture to her little sister to do the same, tried to get away before anything bad could happen.
Tried.
“What have we here? Two little fillies far from home, hmmmmm?” a high, nasal voice spoke. Magical light surrounded the sisters and they were lifted off their hooves and pulled into full view of the cloaked ponies.
The younger sister screamed.
“Hush,” said the one with the high voice. Her hood slipped off, revealing a fiery orange unicorn. A cruel almost-smile played on her lips. As soon as she said that word, ‘hush,’ the younger sister felt her throat tighten. She fell into a strangled silence.
“They have seen us!” a cloaked pony said. He sounded old, his voice cracked and tired.
“What does it matter?” said the orange mare. “After tonight, all of Equestria will be the plaything of a god of Chaos.” She magicked the sisters into the middle of the circle and dangled them in front of the cloaked ponies. “Or do you think we shall fail?”
“O-Of course not!” said the old pony. “I have never doubted the power of Chaos. But…we are so close. Perhaps it’s best not to take any chances?”
The orange pony’s eyes narrowed. “What chances? There’s nothing special about these two. Look at them. They’ve never seen the power of Harmony in their miserable little lives. And they’ve probably never heard the name Discord, either. Have you, little one?”
The elder sister shook her head. “No,” she squeaked.
“See? You worry too much, old one. Harmony has no power here. Not on this night. And after tonight, not ever again.” She turned her attention back to the dangling sisters, her lips curling and opening into a savage smile. “Poor little ponies, how about I tell you a story. You like stories, don’t you? You should. You’ve just walked into one…”
Terrified, the sisters nodded.
“Once upon a time the world was Chaos. Then there was light. The light was called Harmony, and it made a world of caring and kindness. But the world it made was such a dull bore that, a long time ago, a group of ponies just like us discovered a way to build a bridge back to Chaos. And a traveler came to us across that bridge, a spirit of madness who plunged the world back into the insanity from which it was born. His name was Discord.
“Sadly, it was not to last. Two awful sisters found out the secret of Harmony and used its light to imprison Discord. He has slept under their spell for a thousand years. But tonight, Chaos returns to Equestria.”
The elder sister bravely spoke up. “Y-You’re g-going to wake him up, aren’t you?” At that moment, nothing could sound more horrible to the little filly.
“Oh no,” said the orange pony. “Discord was nothing compared to what we’re after. We have found the lost bridge to Chaos, but we have learned so much since that time a thousand years ago. Discord was a minor spirit of chaos. We are going to call a god of Chaos. The one who plays with the universe like a toy, the nameless idiot god who grins from the abyss beyond the edge of reality.”
“And…wh-what are you g-going to do with us?” the elder sister said.
The orange pony’s cruel smile widened. “Feed you to it.”
Wild horror gripped the sisters and they clung to one another. Suspended in midair, they only had each other to hold on to. A chanting filled the night air as the cloaked ponies spoke the terrible words that opened the way to Chaos.
The ground opened up beneath the sisters.
“Come, Chaos!” cried the orange unicorn. “You who toys with reality, who breaks the boundaries of the universe, come!”
Then she dropped the sisters into the open earth.
They held each other tight. The elder sister whispered something into her younger sister’s ear as they fell. Whatever it was, she said it too quietly for the cloaked ponies to hear. They wouldn’t have understood anyway. The sisters vanished into the darkness.
A pregnant moment passed. Nopony uttered a word. And here was where the cult of Chaos made its great mistake. Harmony, that awful power that pulses at the heart of all things, that shines in the magic of friendship and flashes from the souls of lovers, awakened in the bond the sisters shared. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, it burned with reckless passion, spread its wings against the sea of Chaos, and took flight.
Chaos spat the young ponies back out.
The sisters, still locked in terrified embrace, landed on a mat of soggy brown leaves where they sat, bewildered and staring as the god of Chaos entered the world.
Cords of colored light shot out of the pit and coiled around the cloaked ponies. They screamed and struggled as they were dragged into the darkness of Chaos. There was a slurping sound, like one hears when a pony gets to the bottom of a hay shake, and they were gone.
The god of Chaos rose from the earth, which filled back in under it, the gate between worlds sealing shut with a crunch. It stretched its limbs and threw its head back and laughed musically. The sisters trembled, but could not look away.
For awhile nopony moved. The god of Chaos seemed to be waiting for something. It did not approach the sisters. For a being summoned from the depths of insanity, it looked strangely normal. It glanced around itself as if it could not decide what to do. Its eyes were wide and searching.
“We should go,” whispered the elder sister.
“Wait,” said the younger.
“For what?”
“It looks…lonely.”
“Lonely? It’s dangerous! We have to tell mom and dad about it so they can warn the Princess. If anypony can stop it, it’s her…”
The younger sister gingerly approached the newborn god of Chaos. It looked at her with crystal clear eyes that seemed to see right into her soul. But those eyes…they were young. Like a baby’s eyes, blue and infinite. The younger sister swallowed and drew near. Worried for her safety, her elder sister trotted up beside her.
“Hello,” said the younger sister.
The god of Chaos cocked its head and continued to stare at her.
“Oh, we can’t just leave it here all alone,” she said.
“I…guess not,” said the elder sister. “But what are we going to do with it?”
“We could bring it home to the farm.” Then, to the god of Chaos, “How about it? D’you want that? Would you come home with my sister and me?”
The god’s face split in the widest grin either sister had ever seen. It jumped up with childish excitement.
“Okey dokey lokey,” it said.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Educated Guess · 41k words · 34 3 · 1.2k views
- Kolwynia · 52k words · 33 3 · 1.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.085 seconds
Total duration
968 users online
2,215,927 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Behold, one and all, the Herald of the End of Time likes cupcakes!
Nice twist at the end.
1067778
1068592 Thank you.
And thanks for reading my story!
1069435
You're welcome.
I didn´t expect that. Awesome work.
1075191 Thanks!
Alright, this had me in a fit of giggles for several minutes after reading it.
Loved the twist, very unexpected. Wish I could say more, but the story was very entertaining to read. Too short, it seems, to elicit critique.
1342905 Thanks!
I'm so glad you found the humor in it. I wasn't sure people would find the concept as amusing as I thought it was, so I never added the comedy tag to the story.
(Actually, the story tags gave me some trouble in other ways, too. The "dark" tag might chase away readers who are looking for something lighthearted, which I thought this story basically was, but couldn't tell them without spoiling the end, which tries to subvert the dark expectation. And I couldn't add the character tag of you-know-who without revealing the plot twist. *Sigh*) That's okay though. If something I write could bring even a smidgen of happiness to even a few people, it's all worth it.
Thanks for reading, and for commenting.
XD I loved the twist at the end (the "okey dokey lokey" thing XD) Azathoth with a Pinkie Pie-esque personality. Good job, overall
1671170 Thanks! [SPOILERS] You know she's the scariest one of the bunch! And she looks nothing like her sisters, so it is easy to imagine that she might have a different origin. And her chaotic personality mirrors Discord's, which is why she does not fully oppose the crazy stuff that comes with his reign. And the show's creators are not shy about having Pinkie basically toy with the rules of physics whenever she pleases.
Actually, there are a few Lovecraftian references in the show itself. Discord himself is something of an Eldritch Abomination (though I tend to view him more as a Trickster spirit). There is the starry Ursa Minor and Ursa Major that hibernate in caves. And the whole prophecy that "the stars will aid in her escape" in the first episode is just like something out of Lovecraft. "When the stars are right..."
Anyway, thanks again!
1672172 Funny, I don't think I ever noticed the Lovecraftian references in the show xD Though the "when the stars are right" thing did ring a bell, I wasn't entirely sure what bell it was until now. Thank you for bringing that to my attention xD Good luck with the rest of your writing (If there is any, of course)
I'm glad I finally got around to reading this.
2354014 Thanks!
BUUUUUCK
Awesome though.
So in the midst of writing my fifth Yadith Mythos related story of eldritch horror and primeval deities, I decide that I might as well lurch into action on a promise once given by me a long time ago to review this story. I am mildly disappointed that this is the only story that came up out of that search a few weeks ago, but at least it’s something at the end of the day.
I make note that this is the third time I have read this piece, once before sending out the thread, once on the day I submitted the thread, and once again today.
Name of Story: The Everfree Horror by Kolwynia
Grammar score: 10 - no grammatical issues as far as I could see.
Pros:
-Being one of the few stories in the fandom to approach cosmic horror, it at least gets a pro for giving it a shot.
-For such a short piece it manages to develop a surprisingly developed backstory in such a limited number of words. I commend you for that, also for managing to make something this developed in probably little more than an hour or two.
-An amusing twist at the end, delightful little comedic addition.
Cons:
-due to it being a written as flash fiction, there is not much meat to the actual story, but that is a limited con if ever there was one, and unfair to the writer.
-Pardon me if I feel rather disappointed that the eldritch deity – *ahem* Azathoth- from the centre of the universe did not break the boundaries of reality, and plunge the world into madness and a holocaust of freedom. I guess it would go against the show’s original intentions, but then we have two conflicting ideologies in mixing cosmic horror with such utopian and idealistic principles of MLP. The ending comes off a little like a traditional horror story - the bad guys get killed and the good people survive because they are “lovable scamps”, and through the power of “Luv”- rather than anything related to the Mythos philosophy.
-Unfortunately for people who have bothered to write cosmic horror pieces for the MLP community, the usage of the elements of harmony in defeating the deities of the Mythos has become distasteful for me. This is not your fault or anyone’s really, but I have grown tired of it being used over and over again. I actually hold a dislike of the elements in the show for this reason, as it seems more like a reset button mixed with a universally applied Macguffin, although the show does seem to realise this and make it more difficult for them to be used.
Notes Section: Given that this is a one shot piece written as flash fiction, I think it would be unfair to judge, give criticism or help on your literary style. It would just feel out of place. You also have not done anything along the same lines again after this, so comments on how to improve aspects of cosmic horror would be kind of redundant. Suffice to say, that despite some of its faults –although the existence of faults is largely down to opinion really- the story holds up quite nicely and gives people a good little kick to end- or start- the day with.
7.9/10 - congratulations if you ever decide to approach the genre again I will give my whole-scale support, as it is enjoy your day and have a pleasant evening.
Return Review: If you are interested you might want to check out my story “The Shadows of Yadith” which takes a more traditional edge to the genre. I won’t say that you are obliged to do so, because considering the chapter lengths, that would be an unfair exchange in return for a review on something a little above 1000 words long. If you are willing, I will have a bundle of stories being released in the next week or two. If I have your permission I will send you a message when they have been put up, as a few are much shorter and a fairer exchange than the current one. A word of warning though, my work is set in the traditional Lovecraft writing style, squamous aberrations and abysmal batrachian horrors etc so it might be a bit of a challenging read.
2811871 Thanks for the review! (Your story's length--and prose--may be a bit daunting, so I might take you up on your offer to wait for a shorter story to review in return
, but I'll certainly take a look at it. I really do enjoy Lovecraftian fiction. It's a pity there is not more of it around here, since there are canon Lovecraftian elements in the show itself, and it seems like a fun fit to juxtapose the bright and joyous ponies against such a dark universe.)
Well, My expectations got bent over and raped.
Name of Story: The Everfree Horror by Kolwynia
Grammar score: 9 – maybe a fragment once but I always leave room for error, so consider it a 10.
Pros:
-it was good horror, but mainly it got its dark tag without being grimdark and gory. And I like that.
-at first I was going to bitch about how it had little detail in describing the characters, but then of course I understand how all of that would have made the whole joke useless. I feel for you just tlike in my own “Celestia Kills Luna” how I had to make the majority of the fic fighting with no dialogue or input from the combatants lest it ruin the whole point of the satire.
-Personally, I hate the over the top “cult that resurrects an evil that whoops everyone’s ass” super evil characters who try to be Paul Bearer. So I did indeed like it that the cultists got owned in the end.
(Paul Bearer)
Cons:
-It was short, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
-Like I said, the detail was sparse, and it left me wanting to know more about what was going on most of the time. But that was necessary as to not give away the joke in the end.
-I’m usually good at fooling people. So I was bent over laughing when I didn’t see the ending coming. For the most part, the fact that I didn’t see it as <Spoiler> made me mad because I couldn’t imagine what this “god of chaos” was and wanted to smack the younger sister for the stupid ET “do you wanna be friends?” thing… then I read the last line.
Notes Section: I’m not going to try and tell you how to improve because, for the sake of this, it was good enough.
Overall, I’m glad I read it and wish to see it get more views.
Now, I’d like you to read my new story “The Dressmaker and her Recurring Customer”. At the time of posting this, the story had a dark tag because it has horror elements to it, but like this, it involves no killing, or hurting of others in any way other than fear. I removed said tag because I believe it was turning the readers off of the story… but sadly I still did not get the feedback I wished for.
I do have a few requests as to what I would like you to seek out, specifically.
1. Rarity and Sweetie Belle: they are the main characters I intended to make for the story and wanted to keep the two in character while in the situation they are in.
2. I like challenges, so please be specific on the OCcharacter, for as you see, he is a type of character that is usually poorly done, but I have faith that I pulled it off.
3. Rarity’s personality. I tried to hit a few things with Rarity that I usually find that people skim over or do not fully appreciate with her.
a. Generosity and how she can still be generous while still a businessperson
b. Her creativity: Her thoughts go wild a few times in the story as she explores and thinks outside the box on many different occasions.
c. Integrity : She is not a simple pushover, nor is she a badass in disguise. She is willing to defend herself and keep her standards, but also she does not look to start fights, she tries to avoid conflict and upsetting people whenever she can.
d. This is the most important, How much closure you felt with the final Rarity Chapter, as well as the final chapter as of now (*Untitled 1)
I know I said to wait for tomorrow.. but who cares, Ill post the chapters I want to post now.
2976657 Thanks for the review! I'm glad the ending was successful. I will be sure to read your story and give you a review soon!
This story has been approved for the sibling story stockpile
I knew it! I knew who it was!
Hello, this is superpony55, reviewer and admin for The Gem Hunters. Congratulations! I deem this story a sapphire.
Grammar:
I didn't really notice any mistakes, but I don't catch everything. I was more focused on the story itself than the grammar. 9/10
Plot:
This was Pinkie Pie's sisters, right? And the god was Pinkie? I enjoyed the story very much. The only problem was, it could have gone in more detail, a second chapter maybe? 8/10.
Characters:
I kept thinking the orange Unicorn was Sunset Shimmer! The characters themselves were a bit complicated, as you don't really know who is who. Still, I like what I thought it was, and I hope I'm right. Even if I'm not, the thought made me smile. 8/10
Overall, your story made me smile. I would have liked more, but a pleasant story, nonetheless. About 8/10 points.
3738924 Heh. The story was written before Equestria Girls came out, so no Sunset Shimmer...
Thank you for the review! Glad you liked it! 
3739557
Right. I did like it!
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/003/d/9/sapphires_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70oo29.jpg
A Gem Hunter's Sapphire
A twist done right. That was very well done. I didn't get it until the very last line, and that's how it should be.