16. - Interviews
“A little to the left. Little more.”
Bean chuckled, and his hooves moved to the requested spot. “Did I get it yet?”
“Just a tiny bit more… there! Keep going right there,” Celestia commanded with a delighted sigh. “That’s the spot.”
Bean smiled as his hooves rubbed and scratched his wife’s stomach in slow and even circles. She had been engaged in a losing contest with a particularly stubborn itch on her steadily-swelling stomach since sunrise, and the battle had finally dragged on long enough for the Princess to call in marital reinforcements. After a moment of scratchy bliss, Bean paused to lean over, swipe the nearby bottle of Beeswax’s Maternity Lotion, and squirt out a large glob into his hooves.
Celestia began to purr when Bean’s hooves returned to her stomach, and her eyes fluttered shut. “That feels so amazingly wonderful. It’s like you’re rubbing away all of my bloated aches.”
“That good, huh?” he asked.
“Mm, yes. I’m starting to feel like an overripe blueberry that’s on the verge of bursting. My stretch marks are sure to be as wide as the Ghastly Gorge.”
Bean wanted to make a comment about how unlikely that was, but he decided it would be better to let the subject pass. A happy home was maintained by saying ‘yes, dear’ as much as possible, as his father had wisely told him.
“I dread to think about Wysteria’s poor midsection,” Celestia went on. “I understand why she said she felt like a hot air balloon with too much hot air in it. I do hope she’s not exerting herself, now that Quill is not a part of her daily life.”
“I’m pretty extra sure she’s being careful,” Bean said softly. “And I’m sure she knows to ask for help, if she needs it.”
Celestia grunted. “She’d better ask. I may have to ask Private Tart to check on that for me.”
“I don’t think you need to go that far,” Bean said with another squirt of lotion. “I bet her twins have made it impossible for her to fit through doorways by this point. She has to ask for help.”
Celestia snickered, but her hooves moved to her lips to muffle it. “That’s not funny, Bean! I hate to think of my faithful secretary in such a way. She is a determined mare, who always knows what she wants and how to get it. A couple of foals will not hamper her in the slightest.”
“Until she has to reach for something and her stomach gets in the way,” Bean quipped with an evil grin. “I can only imagine what it’s like for her when she tries to get a mixing bowl on the far side of the counter.”
“Stop that!” Celestia said as Bean pantomimed what such an effort might look like, her laughter sneaking out despite her efforts to hold it in. “You mean thing!”
“All right, all right.” Bean went back to rubbing Celestia’s stomach. “It’s not nice, you’re right. Besides, she could just use her magic and avoid all that.”
A knock came at the door, and Trixie entered with a tug at her secretarial collar as she entered. “Trixie is not going to miss this thing in the slightest. Ugh.”
“Good morning to you, too,” Bean offered. “May I safely assume that your off hoof comment means you will be leaving us soon?”
Trixie drew in a deep breath, and her magic removed a single piece of paper from her clipboard. “Not yet, but Trixie will not deny that she wants to get back on the road. I’ve discussed the matter with Miss Inkwell, and we have agreed that I will stay until her twins are born. The summer months are the most profitable for Trixie, and the roads will be fully dried out from winter. I have a new wagon under construction as we speak, and it will be delivered when I am ready to move out once more.”
Bean moved to take Trixie’s paper as Celestia sat upright, and he frowned once he had glanced it over. “So this is an advance resignation letter?”
“With Trixie’s thanks for the kindnesses afforded to her Great and Powerful self by Your Highnesses,” Trixie said, her gaze dropping to the hoof that was scuffing the floor. “I admit I didn’t come to this decision lightly or easily. For the most part, I have enjoyed my time here with you, and the skills that I have been taught will be of great use for my new and improved magic show. Trixie will forever be grateful that she smashed your carriages.”
Celestia smiled. “And we have been grateful for your dedicated service as well. You are always welcome here in Canterlot, should you ever change your mind.”
“Thank you, Princess.” Trixie lifted her gaze to Celestia’s, and a smile spread across her face. “I think, for the first time in my life, I can truly and honestly say that I have friends. It’s a wonderful feeling.
“But until then, the Great and Powerful Trixie has a job to do,” the showmare went on, and the pages on her clipboard flipped rapidly. “First off, Miss Inkwell should be here in about an hour, and she is planning on staying here throughout the day to assist with the interviews you have scheduled. She also wanted me to tell you that there is nothing you can do or say that will convince her to leave early.”
“We’ll just have to get her a plush cushion to lay on, or something like that,” Bean noted.
“Miss Inkwell has already made arrangements for such a cushion to be placed in the throne room for her,” Trixie said. “Trixie is a bit upset that no such luxury was afforded for her, but I suppose that is the price I must pay for not being pregnant.”
“I can get you a cushion too, if you’d like,” Celestia offered.
Trixie immediately pounced on the offer. “A double-stuffed one would be nice. If it’s not too much trouble, that is.”
“I’m sure it can be arranged.”
“Your first appointment this morning will be with Dean Night Light and Dean Twilight Velvet from your school at nine,” Trixie went on, her magic levitating several sheets of paper to the princess. “They are prepared to review this list of tutors with you, and to discuss Epiphany’s future education needs. After that, you’re scheduled to meet with the candidate for Epiphany’s nanny.”
“Candidate? As in singular, just one?” Bean asked.
“That’s what the paperwork says,” Trixie confirmed after looking the itinerary over once more.
“Wysteria must have found a good one, then.”
“After lunch, you have Day Court scheduled until eighteen hundred hours, with a dinner with Ambassador Ghis from the Griffon Empire immediately following. At nineteen hundred hours, the Lady Rarity and Sir Golden Hammer are scheduled to meet with you to discuss the Grand Galloping Gala, and Prince Bean’s coronet.”
“Why do I need a trumpet?” Bean asked.
“Not a cornet, love,” Celestia said with a quick peck of his cheek. “Coronet. It’s something like a tiara, to mark your official position as Prince.”
“I thought that is what this was for,” Bean said as he pawed at the Celestial Crystal that hung from his neck.
“It does, but that was a gift from the Crystal Empire, so it is more like a medal of honor. As my husband, you really should have a proper crown to wear.”
“Do I have to?” he whined. “I hear those things make your neck hurt, and they pinch your head.”
“If I have to have one, then so do you,” Celestia said with a playful nip of his ear. “Don’t worry. We’ll make sure it fits properly, and you won’t have to wear it very often.”
“Oh, alright. But nothing too fancy or gaudy!”
“It won’t be any worse than mine, I assure you.” Celestia kissed his cheek and turned back to Trixie. “Anything else?”
“That should be everything for the day, Princess.”
“Thank you. We will be down for breakfast once Bean finishes with my personal care,” Celestia said with a seductive gaze for her husband.
* * ✹ * *
“So, who are these Deans we’re meeting with?” Bean asked, his rump wiggling slightly as he settled into the throne. “Have I met them before at all?”
“I don’t think you have,” Celestia said, her hoof tapping her chin as her wing wrapped around him. “But you will like them. Dean Night Light and Dean Twilight Velvet are the two finest professors at my school, and they have been integral to establishing the curriculum that is taught. Besides, they have raised three children of their own, so they already know what it’s like.”
“Oh, they’re married? To each other?” Bean asked.
“Yes,” Celestia said with a sly nod. “Night Light and Twilight Velvet are the parents of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, and Spike.”
“Oh! That’s interesting. They raised Spike, too?”
Celestia nodded again. “They accepted him into their family after he was hatched. I had intended to make other arrangements for his care, but they were adamant about it. It was a wise decision, in the end, as it gave Spike a family to be a part of.”
“Very interesting. I don’t know if my parents would have welcomed a dragon, even if he was a newborn.”
“I’d be careful, if I were you,” Wysteria’s voice cut in. “The professors might draw up a new education plan for you, sir, once they realize you’re on a quest to eliminate algebra.”
“I probably need it,” he replied with a laugh as the faithful and rotund secretary waddled into the throne room. “How are you doing, Wys?”
“Oh, I feel like a mix between a beach ball and a punching bag at the moment, so not too bad,” she replied. “Mostly, I’m just happy to be upright and mobile. Forgive me for being tardy, but these two stinkers have really done a number on my equilibrium, so I tend to tip over from time to time. If that happens, just roll me over to the corner and I’ll get myself up again.”
“I certainly hope we don’t have to do that,” Celestia said with a note of worry.
Wysteria chuckled a bit. “So long as I don’t move too fast, I should be okay. Now, then! I believe we have some interviews to conduct, and while I trust Trixie, I do want to take my own notes on what is discussed here. It will make it easier for me to get back to work later.”
“Very well. Trixie, please make sure you provide Miss Inkwell with anything she needs,” Celestia said.
“Of course,” Trixie replied, her magic holding an oversized velvet cushion in place while Wysteria collapsed with a groan of relief. “Do you need anything right now, Miss Inkwell?”
“Not at the moment,” Wysteria said, her eyes darting around the throne room. “Where is Corporal Quillpoint?”
“He is on guard duty at Sergeant Pokey’s house. Chrysalis is due to emerge from her pod at any time, and Captain Armor has put the best ponies he has on watch to ensure there are no unwanted surprises when she does.”
Wysteria looked relieved, concerned, and proud all at the same time. “Oh. Well, of course Quill would be needed for such an important assignment. His abilities are quite remarkable, after all. But, I was rather hoping he’d be here today…”
Wysteria’s last sentence trailed off to a whisper, and even Bean caught on to her thinly hidden desire to see him. The longing look in her eyes was encouraging, and Bean’s hopes for a happy reunion between the two of them grew in strength. Doubtless, they still had many obstacles to overcome, but at least they did not seem to be insurmountable.
“Let us proceed,” Celestia stated, a small grin of delight on her face. “Sergeant Pepper, please escort Night Light and Twilight Velvet in as soon as they arrive.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” the sergeant replied. Celestia then produced a stack of papers, and Bean leaned in slightly as her magic held them aloft in front of him.
“Do you recognize the names on here?” Bean asked.
“Yes. Most of these ponies are teachers at my school. However, if it can be arranged, my personal preference would be to have the Deans as Nilla’s head tutors, with these teachers stepping in as their expertise is needed. You and I will naturally be a large part of her education, but it may be wise to have a dedicated tutor here, to assist with any needs that may arise while we are unavailable.”
“Or when I get stumped by what she’s learning,” Bean offered. “That should happen somewhere around halfway into kindergarten, I’m guessing.”
“I know your education level is better than that,” Celestia chided. “Quite honestly, I believe you will be one of the greatest assets in Nilla’s education.”
Before Bean could offer any further comment, Sergeant Pepper strode into the Throne room, with two ponies following closely behind. “Announcing Duke Night Light and Duchess Twilight Velvet, Your Highnesses.”
“They got titles too, eh?” Bean quietly quipped as the newcomers bowed before the throne.
“They are the parents of a princess, after all,” Celestia replied with a grin. “Night Light, Velvet, thank you for coming here today. I know how busy you both are, and I appreciate you taking this time to discuss my daughter’s future education.”
“Of course, Your Highness,” Night Light said as he and his wife straightened. “It’s the least we can do to repay you for everything you’ve given to us. Prince Bean, it’s an honor to finally meet you. I regret that we haven’t had a chance to make your acquaintance before now.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you now,” Bean said. “So, since I know next to nothing about you, why don’t you fill me in on what I should know?”
Twilight Velvet smiled. “Princess, have you really not told him anything about us?”
“I’m afraid I haven’t had the chance,” Celestia replied. “In all honesty, I have not discussed much of what I do at the school with him. Yet.”
“Fair enough, I suppose.” Velvet cleared her throat and glanced to her husband. “I guess we should give the usual introduction?”
“I suppose so. Your Highness, I am Doctor Night Light, Dean of Mathematics at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. In my free time, I like to fill out sudoku puzzles, play bingo, and add to my antique vinyl record collection.”
“Doctor Twilight Velvet, Dean of Physics and Thaumaturlogial Studies,” Velvet added. “But between us, you really don’t have to call us Doctors, since we’re not that kind of doctor. When I’m not grading term papers, I usually like to get out and run field experiments.”
“Oh, like that bungee jumping ‘experiment’ over Luna Bay?” Night Light shot with a chuckle.
“Applied application of gravitational forces to a free-falling body in motion,” Velvet retorted with a grin. “And I was right, by the way. At any rate, it is a pleasure to finally meet you, Prince Bean.”
“The same, Doctor Duchess Dean Twilight Velvet,” Bean replied with a confused look. “Er, was that right? I’m not sure what the proper order of titles should be in this case.”
“Officially, it should be Duchess Doctor Dean. I think.” Twilight Velvet paused for a moment and pondered the idea, but then shook her head. “Anyway, Night Light and I aren’t much for titles. As you can see, they’re a trip hazard. We avoid using them among friends, so there’s no need for them here.”
“I and my four hundred twenty-seven offical titles wholeheartedly agree,’’ Celestia said. “And now that we have the introductions out of the way, let’s get down to business.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean blinked a few times, and his eyes darted over the parchment in front of him in a futile attempt to understand how this had all happened.
As a kid, Bean’s parents had taken a hooves-off approach to Bean’s education, for the most part. They helped him with his homework at night, of course, and they attended every parent-teacher conference dutifully and with a deep interest in their son’s grades.
But since Bean was destined to be a chef, they had made no express effort to push him in any other direction. There was never any pressure to develop his hoofball skills so he could be a famous athlete, no mandate to excel in science, math or history, and no drive to refine his tone on a musical instrument so as to become a world-famous cellist.
The education he needed for cooking could only be properly taught by them, in the Zuerst, so any additional education he recieved was a bonus on top of what he learned at home.
So as Bean looked over the plans for Epiphany’s education, he found himself feeling overwhelmed. Every class she would ever need to take from Kindergarten up to the ninth grade—he was pretty sure they were discussing ninth grade at the moment—had been blocked out, quarter by quarter and semester by semester.
Every teacher, every course, almost down to the minute. Bean was pretty sure he could find where her bathroom breaks were scheduled, if he looked hard enough.
“...and at that time, I would have her take Professor Hard Tack’s class on the Mid-Chancenhausen Era, provided Tack hasn’t retired by then,” Night Light said. “Twily especially enjoyed her lectures on the socio-political developments during the later half of that century.”
“Oh, no, no,” Twilight Velvet interjected. “Shining hated that course.”
“Well, yeah, of course he did. He was more interested in the legionnaire history. I suppose Nilla might enjoy that, if her tastes run more to the guard.”
“Oh, but you’ll definitely want her to take Professor Babble’s linguistics course,” Velvet said, and Night Light nodded in agreement. “That will be invaluable for when she gets into my basic thaumaturgical currents and theorems course later.”
“Question,” Bean piped up, and the three teachers in the room turned their attention to him. “Forgive me an ignorant statement, but is all of this really necessary?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Velvet replied. “A solid education will reap fantastic rewards in the future. I dread to think of where my kids would be now if we hadn’t done this for them.”
“I’m not trying to say she doesn’t deserve a good education. But how can we really plan for this kinda stuff so far in advance?” Bean held up the lengthy scroll that was being generated, and he tapped one section. “Like here, in the fourth grade. How do we know that Nilla will be ready for precalculus? What if she’s only up to algebra at that point? What if she hates history, and flunks one of these classes somewhere?”
“I understand what you mean, Your Highness,” Night Light said with a knowing smile. “And, truth be told, you’re right. We can’t really set all of this in stone. We will need to be flexible, and if there is a deviation, we’ll adapt to it, just like we did with Shining Armor.”
“You had to make changes for him?”
“Oh, sure,” Velvet said. “His interest in the Royal Guard came out of nowhere, but there was no way we were going to ruin his dreams of being the Captain of the Guard. So, we altered his educational plan to account for his tastes, and got him into the military classes he’d need. What we’re doing now is simply making a broad roadmap. The individual streets we’ll need to travel down will be decided as we go.”
Bean’s gaze drifted to his hooves, and his thoughts continued to tumble out. “Okay. But what if she’s not a unicorn, or an alicorn? What if she’s just a pegasus, or…” he hesitated. He didn’t want to finish the sentence, for fear that his words would somehow curse his unborn child.
“An earth pony?” Celestia gently finished.
“Yeah,” he whispered. “She can’t go to your school if she’s an earth pony.”
“And what difference would that make?” Celestia softly said. “Will you love her less if she is an earth pony?”
“Of course not! I’ll love her, no matter how she turns out. But if she doesn’t have a horn, then everything we’re doing now is useless. Isn’t it?”
Celestia pulled him in with a wing, and she gently kissed his cheek. “I didn’t realize this was such a troubling concern for you.”
“It just kinda hit me as we were talking,” Bean said. “I want her to have the best, just like you do. But what if my commoner background ruins everything? What if who I am has somehow cursed her to be less than what we expect?”
“You have not cursed our child,” Celestia whispered to him with a hug. “Before all else, Epiphany will be our daughter, and she will be loved as such. Perhaps it has been a bit presumptuous of me to assume that she will be a unicorn, but nothing will change if she is not. Unicorn, pegasus, earth pony, or alicorn, you and I will still ensure she receives the finest education possible from the brightest minds Canterlot has to offer. She will still be a Princess, no matter what.”
“Your Highness, have you ever considered taking a thaumatology class?” Velvet added with a grin.
Bean shook his head. “Why would I? It wouldn’t do any good.”
“That is one of the greatest misconceptions of our time,” Velvet retorted. “The popular belief is that magic classes will only benefit unicorns, but I am on a personal crusade to eliminate that line of thought. All ponies have magic, so all ponies can learn how to use and utilize it. True, an earth pony will manipulate different lines and currents, but you still touch it all the same. You’d be amazed at what I could show you about your own latent thaumaturgical reserves and potential.”
“My Velvet here travels all over Equestria, teaching adjunct courses and giving lectures on pegasus and earth pony magic,” Night Light said. “There’s a reason the unicorns in the Pre-Unification Era were dependent on earth ponies for food—they couldn’t grow it themselves. Just because your magic works a bit differently than mine doesn’t make yours any less. And if Epiphany happens to be an earth pony, then we will see to it that she learns how to work every last bit of that magic that is within her to its fullest.”
“We did teach Spike how to use his dragon magic,” Velvet said with a laugh. “Now that was a learning experience! They tap into the ley lines in such a violent and chaotic manner, it was difficult to make heads or tails of what was going on, let alone how they managed to get the intended result!”
Bean glanced up to his wife, and his concerns melted away with her bright smile. “At least you’re not having a dragon, eh?”
“I’m sure a foal will be enough trouble as is,” she replied.
* * ✹ * *
“Is there really only one qualified candidate for the personal assistant position?” Celestia asked Wysteria.
“Yes,” Wysteria grunted, and she gave herself a sharp jerk to the left in an apparent effort to find a comfortable spot on her cushion. “Now if I could just get these two to quit pinching the nerves in my spinal column, that would be great. I prefer to have feeling in my rear legs.”
“So, who are we meeting with?” Bean added.
“Her name is Banana Split, sir,” Wysteria said with another jerk. “You’ll love her, trust me. She’s got the experience, the training, the certifications, and the temperament you need for the job. And she even smells like bananas, too.”
“Banana and Vanilla.” Bean snorted out a laugh. “You sure you didn’t pick her because of the alliterative appeal, Wys?”
“That was just a happy accident,” Wysteria replied. “Trixie, will you go check to make sure Lady Rarity’s train is still running on time? If we have to postpone the fitting, I want to go take care of a few side items.”
Trixie nodded. “Trixie will go check on lunch, too. I’ll be right back.”
Sergeant Pepper entered the throne room just as Trixie left, and Bean sat up a bit straighter as he studied the mare who had walked in with the Guard.
“Presenting Missus Banana Split, Your High—”
The sergeant was cut off by a sharp gasp from the interviewee, and before anypony could react, Banana Split rushed over to Wysteria and put her hooves on the secretary’s swollen midsection.
“My goodness, Miss Wysteria! These two have got to be pinching a nerve in there something horrible! Here, here. Give me just a second, and let’s get those rascals moved a bit.”
Bean watched on in fascination as Banana Split gently prodded Wysteria’s foals into a more comfortable position. He had been expecting somepony stern, like Miss Harshwhinny from the Equestria Games Committee, but the slightly overweight mare in front of him was the polar opposite. Deep lines from smiling too much fanned out from the corners of her eyes, and the corners of her mouth seemed to be permanently stuck in the up position. Her coat was a soft yellow, but quite a bit lighter than Bean’s own coloring, and her mane was a messy mop of grey-flecked purple that reminded him of his Grandmothers, and his mother to a lesser degree.
He liked her immediately.
“There. That should keep those rascals in line for now,” Banana Split said after a few moments. “You let me know if they start acting up again, Miss Wysteria.”
Wysteria gave her employers a knowing look. “Told you.”
“Ah! Forgive me, Your Highnesses.” Banana Split moved quickly to offer the proper deference at the base of the dias. “Banana Split, at your service.”
“That was an impressive display, Miss Split,” Celestia offered.
Banana Split scoffed with an easygoing laugh. “Oh, that’s kind of you to say, Princess, but that wasn’t anything special. I’ve dealt with twins before, and they’re easy enough to handle at this stage. It’s an entirely different story once they decide to come out.”
“Tell me, what qualifications do you have for this position? I am sure Wysteria informed you of the job details.”
“Oh, yes. She was quite clear about the expectations, and with good reason. It’s not everyday that the Princess has a need for a nanny, even if you’ve given the job the fancy name of ‘personal assistant.’” Banana Split winked and giggled at her joke. “Let’s see. I am a registered and practicing midwife, and have been for the last twenty-five years. I’m also a licenced nurse practitioner, I hold dual Master’s Degrees from the University of Canterlot in Foal Development and Education, and most importantly of all, I’m the mother of five rambunctious foals myself. The last one just flew the nest last month, so you don’t need to worry about them.”
“And what is your professional experience?”
“Oh, I’ve been the caretaker for several lesser noble families in Canterlot, and Miss Wysteria has a list of my references. I’d throw some names at you now, but that would just be bragging, and I’m not much for that.”
“I see.”
“Now, if I may be a bit impertinent, let me answer some of the questions you’re going to ask me,” Banana said with a wry grin. “Discipline is to be handled by the parents, but I will put my hoof down when a situation calls for it. I am not one for corporal punishment, so any such use will be by yourselves. Any homework that is assigned is to be done promptly and correctly, bedtimes are negotiable if behavior is acceptable, and yes, I am known to give out treats and prizes, as my not-so girlish figure indicates.” She put a hoof on her midsection and laughed. “However, I know the value of diet and exercise, and I will insist on all meals being eaten as presented. With your abilities as a chef, Prince Bean, I’m sure there will be no nutritional gaps, and perhaps you can help me take a few pounds off as well. Overall, I would describe myself as fun but fair, kindly yet stern when needed, and generally optimistic about life and the events that make it up. Did that cover everything, or do you have any other questions for me?”
“Do you feel qualified to care for a Princess?” Bean asked. “While I don’t mean to disrespect your abilities or your experience, we are talking about the offspring of Princess Celestia, and the future of Equestria.”
“So very true. The most direct answer I can give is both yes and no.” Banana Split paused for a moment, and drew in a deep breath. “The care and upkeep of a Princess is not a task that should be taken lightly, and while I have the practical experience and the training, I would say I am not fully prepared for something as paramount as this. But then, I don’t think it’s ever possible for a nanny to be completely and totally prepared for any position they take. Every foal must be handled in their own way. If given the opportunity to serve you, I would approach the position with an open mind and with frequent consultations to ensure that my attitudes, goals, and desires are in harmony with yours. Adaptations will need to be made on my part, of course, but if you can adapt to becoming a Prince, then I believe I can change to accommodate whatever Nilla may need. Oh, and just for the record, I usually go by Mama Nanna. It’s easier for young ones to say.”
Bean glanced up to Celestia, and she gave him a warm smile. “A most interesting answer. Tell me, Miss Split, how do you feel about… ketchup?”
* * ✹ * *
“Your Highness, if you keep fidgeting, I’ll be forced to start all over again.”
“Sorry,” Bean offered, and he drew in a long breath. “I didn’t realize being measured for a coronet would be so intensive.”
“Well, unless you want it to pinch your head, these measurements have to be accurate down to the millimeter. Trust me, it’ll be worth all of the aggravation in the end.”
Bean drew in a long breath as Golden Hammer placed a thickness caliper on his head once more, and he tried to hold still. The Royal Jeweler was surprisingly meticulous about his work, having launched straight into Bean’s measurements as soon as he had entered the throne room.
“Have you returned my husband’s crown to the Royal Vaults, Sir Hammer?” Luna asked from her throne, the concern heavy in her words. “I do not wish for it to be damaged or lost, Harmony forbid.”
“It never left,” Hammer replied as he scribbled a measurement down in a small notebook and moved the caliper slightly. “I can study it where it is and not disturb it. It’s quite the remarkable design, I have to say. I’ve never seen it’s equal.”
Luna’s stance softened, and she smiled slightly. “Indeed not. It is a design of my own creation, with some input from Star. Are you sure you wish to copy the design, Bean?”
“Why not?” Bean started to nod, but a stern glare from Hammer stopped him from doing so. “Celestia showed me the ceremonial crowns that you have, and it makes sense to me that mine should be based on tradition as well. The only thing that’s going to change is the moons, as far as I know.”
“The coronet will be adjusted to reflect your marriage to the solar princess,” Hammer confirmed. “In all other respects, it will be an identical match. I may have to pull a few strings, but I believe I can get the gems and the gold from the same mines that were used for Prince Star Struck’s crown. It might take me some time to complete the task, though.”
“Take all the time you need,” Celestia said, her magic unrolling a scroll and winding up another. “I will also provide any drawings we have that were made during that time. I know I saw some in here somewhere…”
“Announcing the Lady Rarity,” Sergeant Pepper called out. Prince Bean attempted to turn and greet the Element of Generosity, but a slight bark from the jeweler once again stopped him.
“Oh, my goodness,” Rarity said with a pleased giggle. “‘Lady Rarity? I do rather like the sound of that.”
“You have certainly proven worthy of the title,” Celestia replied. “Thank you for coming. I know this is a rather inconvenient time for you, but my Bean simply must be the best-dressed stallion at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Then you’ve come to the right pony,” Rarity said with a confident grin. “However, it would seem that the Prince is in high demand at the moment.”
“I told you, don’t move!” Golden Hammer boomed, and Bean went as stiff as a board.
“I didn’t!” he said as he indignantly puffed out his cheeks.
“You were thinking about it!”
“I’m thinking of having Luna put you on the moon, that’s what I’m thinking,” the prince grumbled.
“Let me see, let me see.” Rarity began to circle the Prince with a predatory grin, and Bean felt like a yellow chunk of fresh bait being dangled from a hook for a hungry white shark. “Green? No, no. That won’t do at all. Perhaps a royal purple would work, or a nice mauve.”
“Why don’t I just wear that blue coat you made for me?” Bean asked with a wince as the caliper was readjusted on his head. “You designed it, so it should still be good.”
“And it is, darling. But this is your first Grand Galloping Gala, so you should be dressed accordingly.” Rarity paused and tapped her chin. “Red might be an interesting color. Something dark and daring, like a deep crimson.”
“Okay. I should have the measurements I need for now.” Golden Hammer removed the caliper from Bean’s head, then bowed to the Princess. “I shall commence the work immediately, Your Highness, and keep you apprised of the progress.”
“Thank you, Sir Hammer.” Celestia nodded to the jeweler with a grin. “Your services are greatly appreciated.”
Golden Hammer bowed once more before he retreated from the throne room, and Rarity was quick to swoop in on the Prince. The tape measure that had been dangling from her neck sprang to life once more, and it wrapped around Bean’s neck with surprising speed.
“Wait a minute,” Bean said with a curious glance at the serpentine-like movement of the tape. “Why do you need to do this again? You measured me half to death for the wedding.” He paused, but then grumbled under his breath “everywhere.”
“Yes, but that was nearly a year ago,” Rarity countered, her eyes sweeping over him quickly. “You’re taller now.”
“No, I’m not. I haven’t grown a hair since my sophomore year in high school.”
“Ah ah!” Rarity chided. “No arguments, please. Now, hold still.”
* * ✹ * *
“Captain Armor, sir!” Sergeant Pokey quickly saluted and fell in next to his superior officer. “I sent word as soon as I could.”
“Is everypony in position?”
“Yes, sir. Two squads in the air, three surrounding the house. Lieutenant Spear Point, Quill, and Tart are in position in the front room.”
“And Chrysalis?”
“No obvious physical change, sir. She looks exactly the same to me, holes and all. At least as far as I can tell through all of that goo.”
Shining pushed Pokey’s front door open and strode up to the changeling queen’s pod with a terse nod to his guards. The bug within was twitching and squirming, and if a changeling’s molting was similar to other insects, the entomological experts had told him that such actions would be a sure sign of her release from the cocoon.
Shining drew in a deep breath. He’d been enjoying a nice dinner with Cadence when the message had come from Sergeant Pokey, and he was irked that the evening had been ruined by her imminent emergence. But there was no way he was going to leave his troops to deal with this potential threat on their own, and his horn flared with magic to test how fast he could throw up a shield in this enclosed area while minimizing the collateral damage.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, he idly thought to himself.
“Spear, sir.”
Shining took the offered weapon from Quill, and his heart began to hammer as Pokey leveled his own spear at the pod and his unintentional, psychopathic marefriend. There was some comfort in the fact that the sergeant was willing to strike at Chrysalis, despite whatever personal feelings he might have.
The assembled troops gasped in alarm when Chrysalis’ hoof shot out and punctured the side of the pod. Shining’s jaw locked, his horn flared to life, and his grip tightened on his spear as her hoof slid down until the contents of the pod—and herself—were deposited in a sticky pile on Pokey’s floor.
Chrysalis slowly rose after a moment, her back to the guards and with green ichor dripping from her withers. She drew in a long breath. “At last! My time of reckoning has come! Prepare yourselves, ponies! Now, you shall feel my wrath!”
Shining knew he should strike her down right then and there. Her boastful words proved that this whole thing had all been part of her grand plan to conquer Equestria.
But he just couldn’t bring himself to make the move.
Chrysalis slowly turned to face her audience—or her first victims. Her smile grew when she made eye contact with them. “Ah! Shining Armor, my little brainwashed studmuffin! So good to see you again! Do you like my new look?”
There was no reply. Shining stared at her, as did his fellow guards, a look of dumbfounded amazement on their faces.
“Am I not the most glorious thing you have ever seen?” she cackled, and she threw her forelegs out wide in a dramatic pose. “You new Queen now stands before you! 
“You’re pink,” said Pokey, who looked as if he were trying to keep his mouth shut and failing. “And purple, and gold, and orange... Is this what a new molt is supposed to look li—”
“NO!” snarled Chrysalis, who pawed ineffectually at her drying chitin. “This is NOT supposed to happen! I can’t have changed! This is all your fault!” she bellowed, grabbing Pokey by the neck and slamming him up against the wall. “You did this to me! I... I...” With one final screech of rage, she threw Pokey to the other end of the room and ran screaming out of the house. Shining Armor, who had not moved a muscle since the whole thing started, waited patiently for a few moments until the screaming outside had faded away, then walked over to Pokey.
“Just wanted to say,” he began, “that I will not be your Best Stallion, Cadence is not going to be your Best Mare, and you’re not having the wedding in the palace. Good luck.”
With that, he trotted out of Pokey’s townhome, trying to hide his inner glee. After all, he had no idea that a single packet of Goops All-Natural Rainbow Reverie Permanent Dye was going to have such a wonderful impact on the changeling queen.
Although he had to wonder if being around pranking alicorns for so long was starting to rub off on him.
Naa…
* * ✹ * *
“Perhaps it is some sort of magical effect,” Celestia said, her eyes darting back and forth as she studied Bean.
“A leak, maybe?” Luna suggested.
Celestia’s eyes flicked to her sister, and she mulled over the suggestion. After half an hour of measuring and re-measuring, Rarity had proven a fact that should have been impossible.
Baked Bean was taller.
It was only by an inch, but it was growth. The burning question on her mind now was how this had happened, and what it meant, if anything.
“Maybe it was a leek,” Bean offered, his left foreleg stretched out so Rarity could measure his fetlock. “I am a Bean, after all.”
“It could be because of your rather,” Rarity cleared her throat and grinned, “unique and intimate relationship with Princess Celestia, you know.”
“I am not leaking on my husband,” Celestia announced. There was a slight pause before she added “I can’t believe I just said that.”
“Well, something is certainly making your Bean sprout,” Luna noted with a playful grin.
“How long have you been saving that one for, Luna?” Celestia wrinkled her nose.
“At least I’m not hideous, right?” Bean noted.
“Of course not,” Luna agreed with a nod. “You grew some.”
Celestia groaned, and her face went into her hooves. “Oh, me.”
“So, tell me about this Banana Split.” Luna smiled as Sergeant Pepper entered the throne room with a large tray of treats and a tea set, and her magic snuck a truffle away from the offering. “How did you find her, Wysteria?”
“She was one of the applicants who responded to the job posting,” Wysteria replied, her magic pulling a table over so the Sergeant could set the tray down. “I must have interviewed a hundred ponies or more, but she stuck out from the moment she walked in for her first interview. The more research I did into her background and her references, the more impressed I was, and she quickly established herself as the best mare for the position. It was a no-brainer decision, in the end.”
“Bean?” Luna turned her attention to the prince, who was now standing on one leg with his forelegs out for balance as Rarity measured his barrel. “What are your thoughts on the matter?”
“Yes, what did you think of her?” Celestia asked. “I was impressed, for myself.”
“I dunno, Celly,” Bean said with a grin. “Can we really trust a pony who likes ketchup?”
“Believe it or not, I like ketchup, too,” Celestia retorted, and she giggled as Bean groaned and clutched his chest.
“No! Not my beloved! What a cruel world!”
“Don’t move!” Rarity chided.
“I only like some ketchups, if that helps,” Wysteria offered. “The generic stuff is disgusting.”
“That’s a start,” Bean said. “Other than that, it seems like Mama Nanna would be almost perfect for the personal assistant position. I’m sure we’d need to check her references and all that, but I think she’d be a good choice, so far.”
“I’ve already taken care of that,” Wysteria said. “That’s why I only invited her to interview with you. Nopony else came close to her expertise, and everypony I spoke to highly recommended her.”
“So, when does she start?”
“Next week. I’ll have her go through some training, but by the time Trixie leaves, Nanna should be ready to go.”
“Is she going to replace Trixie as your assistant?” Bean asked, and Wysteria shook her head.
“No. Her whole focus will be on taking care of Nilla. If, for some reason, her services are not needed, she will step in to help me out with my twins.”
“We could make the argument that you will need her services more than we will,” Celestia said with a grin.
“The thought crossed my mind,” Wysteria admitted. “You don’t mind sharing, do you?”
“I think we can come to an agreement.”
* * ✹ * *
Sergeant Pokey sighed as his hoof reached for the latch on his front door. While he was grateful that Chrysalis’ emergence had been uneventful and rather humorous, he was not looking forward to cleaning up the remains of the pod from his front room. He had just spent a few hours filling out the post-incident paperwork and going through a debrief with the Captain, so the goo from the pod was probably rock-solid now and would be nearly impossible to take care of.
The door swung open without any warning, and before Pokey had a chance to react, the new technicolor Chrysalis surged out like a tidal wave and tackled him.
“What are you doing?!” he demanded as she ripped his helmet from his head and tossed it into the house.
“I need a drink,” she flatly replied, her magic fairly ripping his armor from his back and sending it in the same general direction of his helmet. “Badly. You’re going to take me to the Phoenix Fire right now, and I’m going to drown myself in the strongest thing they have until this entire cursed day is erased from my memory. You’re going to pay for it, since this was obviously your fault.”
“I had nothing to do with this,” he retorted.
“I don’t care. If you don’t buy, then I’m going to knock you out, stuff you in a pod, steal your coin pouch, and go get wasted anyway. Your choice.”
Pokey pushed her away, brushed himself off, and snorted. “Fine. But I pick what we’re drinking.”
“Why does the universe hate me so badly, Pokey?” Chrysalis sniffled, then polished off her shot in one quick gulp. “It’s not like I ask for much. A little love here and there, some blind obedience, the power to crush my enemies underhoof. Why must I constantly be denied?”
Pokey, who had decided it would be best to stay sober during this outing, took a sip from his root beer before answering. “Simple. It’s because we have friendship and love.”
“Friendship,” Chrysalis spat the word out with a sneer. “Friendship is for those who are too weak to defend themselves. It’s nothing more than taking advantage of acquaintances for your own benefit.”
Pokey smirked, and he took a moment to evaluate the multicolored unicorn that sat across the table from him. Trigger and the patrons of his bar had said nothing when they had walked in an hour ago, though there was plenty of suppressed laughter, and dozens of curious eyes had remained on the pair as Chrysalis had demanded, and then began to binge on the strongest gin in Trigger’s stock.
“Yet those advantageous acquaintances keep defeating you,” Pokey noted. “Deny it all you like, Chrissy, but we ponies gain power from our friendships. Look at Prince Bean, for example. He was able to fight back against your brainwashing poison because he cared about Celestia, and because he cared about Equestria. He was willing to incinerate himself with the sun just so you wouldn’t succeed. Would any of your drones do something that drastic to protect your hive?”
Chrysalis scoffed. “Those sniveling cowards? Please.”
“Exactly. And like it or not, if we ponies didn’t have those friendships, you would have no love to steal. Honestly, you’d be a lot better off if you’d just quit fighting the truth that is right in front of you.” Pokey paused, and then a smirk came with a thought. “You know what? I think, deep down, you want a friend, too.”
“Don’t be stupid. I’ve had quite enough of that today,” Chrysalis grumbled.
“No, really. Think about it. Why do you come back to me?”
“I came back here because I wanted you, idiot,” she said with another shot of gin.
“Why?”
“You sound like Mandible,” Chrysalis snarled. “You want the truth? Fine. I came here to steal you. When I escaped and went back to my hive, everything was cold and empty. I couldn’t feel anything, and that black void was going to consume me. I had to have you.”
“So why aren’t we back at the hive?”
“Because you tricked me into coating myself in armor wax, and now this,” she snorted as one hoof motioned to her colorfully mottled self.
“No, you could have foalnapped me before all of that,” he said with a smug grin. “But you stayed. You came back because you missed me, and you wanted things to go back to the way they were when you were posing as Bluebelle. You and I had something special, and even now, you’re trying to reclaim it. You want me to be your friend again.”
“Are you sure I’m not after your more masculine attributes?” she snapped, but in a soft voice.
“Oh, I’m sure you are, but you don’t want me just for my body. If you did, we’d be at the hive right now. You want something beyond the physical. You want to reestablish the emotional connection we had. You liked how things were as Bluebelle, and all of that came about because you befriended me.”
Chrysalis looked like she wanted to fire back with some witty retort, but nothing was forthcoming.
“I gotta say, this is a rather fascinating revelation.” Pokey leaned back in his chair and smiled. “I’ve heard that insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over, and expecting the results to change. If you really want the universe to quit picking on you, why don’t you try doing something different?”
“Like what, Mister Smartypants?”
“When was the last time you were happy, Chrissy?” Pokey leaned forward and leveled his Royal Guard Stare at her. “I mean really, truly, and actually happy? When did you feel like your life was perfect? What is the one moment that you wish you could go back to and never leave?”
Chrysalis didn’t answer. She didn’t need to.
“You’re the one who decided to leave that happy place,” Pokey went on. “So maybe there’s a chance it’s still there, if you’re willing to pay the price to obtain it. If you can give up this foolish need for absolute power and total control, you just might be able to fill that void with friendship once more.”
“You don’t understand,” Chrysalis whispered, her gaze solely on the gin in her shot glass. “It’s not that easy. I’ve spent centuries stealing love from others. I can’t change who I am.”
“Everypony—and everybuggy—has the capacity for change. You are no longer on neutral ground, Chrysalis. The die has already been cast. If you want to reclaim what you had, then you have to change, like it or not. If you can’t do that, you will return to that void, sooner or later, and the universe will continue to show you no pity.”
Pokey leaned over, and with a gentle touch, his hoof lifted her gaze to his. “For what it’s worth, I know you have the potential. You’ve already shown it. Small as they may have been, you’ve taken steps in the right direction during your time with me. I don’t expect you to change overnight, Chrissy. I’m only saying that you should try.”
“I’ll think about it,” Chrysalis said. “But don’t expect any miracles, Pokey.”
* * ✹ * *
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That was a great read.
Already wondering what kind of Pony Nilla will be and why is been growing? That really confuess me.
D'aww.
Also, loved the banter about Bean's growth.
Always liked Chrissy redemption in stories, it was quite annoying how one dimentional she was in the show.
What, no picture of how Chrysalis looks now?
Banana is a changeling. Calling it now.
(I dunno, I guess I'm just so jaded that I don't think anything good is allowed to happen without drawbacks. That's what you get when you become a main protagonist.)
10125905
Sadly no. I has no money to commission a picture.
10125943
Dwwwww *big sad hours*
So… Shining will be the best man. Cadance will be the bridesmaid. And Celestia herself will see to it their wedding not only happens at the palace, but she will perform the ceremony.
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10125971
Little sunlight, some water, and good food from the earth. Surefire way to make a Bean sprout.
10125868
I do have to give Georg credit for suggesting it.
10125894
It's been fun to have her evolve and grow. I didn't think I'd have her show up again when I finished up This Nose, but I'm glad I did throw her in now. :)
10125936
Well, even if she is, would that be so bad? Thorax is a good bug, so Nanna could be too.
10125975
And they'll all live happily ever after.
I love that the Chrysalis and Pokey subplot is as much fun as the main plot.
10125943
Do you have a Ko-Fi?
10125936
Maybe she’s some kind of other being maybe one that normally steals or eats babies but she just fell in love with them and has now become a nanny and midwife. Perhaps future conflict could stem from one of her relatives stealing the baby and she has to go free it.
Shining has been spending too much time with pranky alicorns. Not that I’m complaining
I was half expecting Banana to float into the throne room on an umbrella, but I like her better this way.
Wait I'm confused, what does the study of traumas has anything to do with magic and how would it help Bean? I mean I get the inferiority complex he is still battling, but I wouldn't call it a trauma yet.
Also, wasn't establish that Bean has been exercising? Even before Celestia got pregnant, I assume Celestia wouldn't want him miss his activities, because of her so maybe Luna took over as his training partner while she is in indispose…not to mention there is the other marital exercise. It a know fact that doing those kind of work could result on people becoming more taller. So Bean might not be taller or rather he is getting in better shape and it starting to show…or you know, there is something else and he is basically evolving.
I always knew he was a grass type. Oh if magic is involve I so wish that another side effect is that he develops a natural empathy toward animals so they gather around him. I want to see Bean cover by bunnies!
Anyway great chapter, can't wait to see what happen next.
P.S: Did Chrysalis basically became the new race of changelings after Thorax share his love? Because I love the reform Chrysalis fan arts
I can help! Bring forth the fluffel! *points a pink ball of weaponized cuteness at chrysy*
10126147
Not trauma, as in injuries and such, but rather Thaumaturlogy, as in the science of magic. Twilight's Mom teaches how magic works, and Bean is worried that he will somehow ruin Nilla's magic ability since he's a common earth pony.
Bean is doing some exercise, yes. It's unclear if that's the reason for his growth spurt, through.
And Chrissy is not quite reformed. She still has a way to go. But she does have a colorful way of showing off now.
10126092
I was half expecting her to have four pets: a dog, a gorilla, a lion, and an elephant.
Yes
I like this nanny already.
And Bean is getting taller. Hmmm... 🤔
Ok this is my opinion but shining armor that was not pranking that was being a dick
10126160
Still it curious both princess didn't consider that he has simple been 'lifting his throne bro`' and it starting to show.
So, big, fancy and made of solid gold with the finest gems available then
That is very weird
...and I am instantly suspicious for some reason
...when did she learn about that nickname?
And I just want to say, that he would most likely not have asked you, Cadance will most likely insist on performing the ceremony, and if three princesses says it will happen in the castle then by Cadance it will
Too long
And yet I'm stil suspicious of her for some reason, and I don't get why
You had everything to do with this
If he was really Smartypants, the this would be a very interesting conversation
So does Sergent Pepper have a lonely hearts club?
Also, fight me on Ketchup. The only time you will ever win is that purple or green stuff.
It's very lovely to know that Wysteria still yearns for Quill's presence. I still think something similar to marriage counseling will help them solidify and mend their relationship.
Also, is it possible for Bean and Celestia to make some spare room in their daughter's education plan to allow to find a handsome and suitable coltfriend in her life?
Also, I'm very happy with how Pokey and Chrysalis' relationship is progressing smoothly!
That was so funny. I think I got light headed at what Shining did. If I kept going.. I think I would have passed out. That made my night.
10125971
That makes way too much sense... stop it.
As as for that "perfect time" Pokey said she should remember, er, wasn't that when Chrysalis had taken over Canterlot with Celestia almost literally under her hoof? Um, yyyyeah, that might not be the best target to shoot for. Personally, as a former "villian" with world Domination plans and, curiously, a similarly inept army, I can safely say I wouldn't want the responsibility; too much paperwork. There's a reason why everyone laughs at the joke about the dog finally catching the car. Now on the other hand, a small country or island nation? Mmm, I could do with that under my iron fist. Er, not my actual hand though. Those things are way too heavy for practical use.
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Was it? Or was there maybe another time when Chrysalis was happy, a time that featured less conquering and more dating?
10127173
I think I have a solution to Chrysalis' narcissism. Become a famous actress and turn into a diva. She gets to be a Queen, lavished with gifts, a horde of loving non-changeling fans and the best part is she get paid to do it.
10127279
but that would be the logical choice to do
Just...Wow, shiny, bravo, just HOPE that She doesn't find out about what YOU did
Poor Chrissy. From shiny to rainbow clown colorized. We do hope Pokey's words penetrate to her heart. She's getting there....
Speaking of the hive, how are the fun idiots doing?
Banana might not be a changeling but she definitely has the advantage.
Keep going! ;)
10125993
Bean's long-time ability to see Star Struck's soul has me wondering if he's become a physical anchor for Luna's dearly departed.
Or maybe a little shade?
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Ketchup is fine as long as it's only a little bit. It's very flavorful, and a little goes a long way.
10131060
A little dab'll do ya.
We're not going to have to wait another three weeks for an update, are we?
10132683
Hopefully not, but this whole covid thing has thrown a wrench into my writing schedule. I'll try to get the next chapter out before April.
That was great. The Bean puns were hilarious. I'm concerned about Nilla's educational "life" being planned out without her input. I experienced that first hand. I resented it and eventually rebelled to my detriment. I love the continued nods to Star Struck. Helps sell the "bigger world" feel of the story. The Chrysi
Pokey arc is still a joy to read. I too am a fan of Chrysi redemption stories and I'm so hoping for the best for these two. Again, this was a great update and I look forward to reading the next one. Stay safe and healthy everyone!
I wonder if Bean would like mushroom ketchup, which pre-dates tomato ketchup in our world by roughly a century
10146308
Since it is not tomato based, I could see him being open to the concept.
Bruh LMAO
10127279
You know, I wanted to point out a terrible idea, that Chryssie CAN'T act and so her career would be doomed.
Then I remembered that there are already people paid exorbitant sums to be themselves. Like John Wayne, and Adam Sandler. So now I'm stuck and can't decide if terrible or brilliant.
10146713
What are his thoughts on other condiments like mustard, mayonnaise, bbq sauce, ranch dressing, etc. ?
For the record, I don't care for ketchup myself, if I go out to eat and it's applied to the burger I'll still eat it, but you're not going to find me slathering my fries or whatever with the stuff.
To think her initial return was all based on Beans little ‘Nose Clause’ fib.
From changeling pod die, to the hurtful puns, it never ends, does it? I still don't belive bug queen DESERVES a happy ending. She spent too much time being an egomaniac. She needs to really grovel some to earn the right.
I love tie dye Chryssi. Now all she has to do is start talking about how hemp is superior while having a mysteriously skunky small and munchies, while singing periodically "come on everypony and get together and try to love one another right now".
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