Princess Celestia and Prince Bean enjoy the ups and downs of pregnancy.
Baked Bean, fresh off his victory over the sirens at Canterlot High, is now eagerly preparing for the arrival of his first child with his beloved Princess Celestia while still attempting to perform his royal duties.
But old foes still lurk in the shadows, and Celestia's pregnancy may offer a few unique challenges as well. It will take everything Baked Bean can give to endure the coming storm...
Or maybe he just needs to provide Celestia with a deep-fried pickle covered in chocolate sauce and smothered in sauerkraut.
Princess Celestia Bean, throughout her lengthy life, had accumulated more titles and honorifics than even she knew what to do with. From the unpleasant and unwanted title of Destroyer of the Sasquatch to the ever popular and frequently invoked Sol Invicta, the Princess had earned, conquered, and had forced upon her nearly every epithet ever invented for any royal.
The vast majority of them she had forgotten about, and the only reason anypony even knew they existed was because it gave poor old Side Margins something to keep an eye on in the Archives during his ‘retirement.’ There were some that she kept tucked away in a jar in the pantry until she needed to serve them up with her freshly baked proposals to a visiting diplomat or delegation, but as much as it was possible, Celestia prefered to simply be called ‘Princess’ and to have it be done at that.
But as she surveyed the sizeable crowd that was standing before her, a pleased smile tugged at her lips. If she were to go through that innumerable list and to discard all but the ones that mattered most to her, she would be left with two.
The first and most cherished would be that of Wife. Her marriage to Baked Bean, that absolutely perfect stallion who had charmed his way into her heart, was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to her. Though there were several other momentous moments in her life that she would not trade for the world—such as the return and redemption of her dear sister, for one example—it was Bean who had filled her world with light and joy unlike any other.
The second, of course, would be Mother. Her heart danced in her chest as she thought of the precious new life that was now growing within her, and she could hardly wait to meet her daughter and to introduce all of her little ponies to Princess Epiphany Vanilla Bean. With her father’s insatiable curiosity and her mother’s wisdom, little Nilla would have everything she could ever need in order to become the grand Princess that her mother knew she would be.
Celestia took in a deep breath while lilac petals began to float down from the star-studded evening sky. A full moon hung proudly just above the eastern horizon, and the pale silver light cast a gentle glow over the veranda and the delicate white lace ribbons that adorned the pillars. While her second wedding to Baked Bean was one that could never quite be equaled by anything else, the one she was currently attending was elegant, luxurious, and bound to be accounted as one of the finest that had ever graced the Bean dynasty.
With a quick glance and a subtle nod, Celestia flared her wings in perfect synchronization with her sister, and a proud fanfare was sent soaring by a dozen unicorn guards. The eyes of a hundred guests turned to a set of gilded double doors at the end of the long, red carpet, and from within the palace, Celestia’s cousin-in-law, Mung Bean, began to walk towards the Royals with a dopey grin and a small wave for the family and friends that surrounded him.
Of course, Celestia did not think of the light blue stallion before her as an in-law. After a thousand years with nopony to call family, the Mare of the Morn was pleased beyond words to have cousins, uncles, and aunts once again, and she did not see them as Bean’s relations, but as her own blood. The bountiful gifts that Baked Bean brought with his presence and his love seemed to multiply by the day, and the Princess could hardly imagine how dull and lifeless her life would have been had she not booped his nose with her own. Mung’s expression matched the delight that Celestia felt, and once he reached the white lattice archway where she stood, they both eagerly glanced back towards the palace.
Another proud fanfare ascended towards the stars, and from another set of doors, Sugar Sweet made her grand entrance. There were several ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ as the purple pegasus mare, draped in a soft white gown and wearing a crown of white rose blooms, slowly made her way to her beloved with outstretched wings. Her father and mother proudly escorted her through the crowd, but her pale grey eyes remained on Mung and Mung alone.
Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie—who was held aloft by a bright red balloon—continued to supply a smattering of lilac petals from their positions above the crowd, and Celestia reminded herself to again thank all of the Element Bearers for their assistance with this wedding procession once they were done. Though they were not related, all of them had eagerly offered their services when Bean had asked, and this night was all the richer thanks to their assistance. With Pinkie Pie’s party skills, Rarity’s delicate dress design, and Applejack’s provisions added to the event, this night was going to be completely and totally perfect in every single way.
With a kiss and a hug, Sugar Sweet—or Chowder, as she was more commonly known—separated from her parents and took her place beside her soon to be husband. A few whispers were shared between the two regarding how each considered the other to be the single most beautiful thing in existence, and when they were done, both turned and faced the Stallion of the Sun.
Celestia couldn’t be prouder. Dressed in his fine blue royal coat and positively glowing with pride, Baked Bean held himself with an aura of authority that drove Celestia absolutely wild. There was a strong chance that she would abscond with her beloved once the formalities were completed, and she knew he would offer absolutely no resistance to the idea. He offered a quick hello to his cousin, mouthed a quick praise to Chowder regarding her appearance, and then cleared his throat while turning his attention to the assembled crowd.
“Please, everypony, be seated,” he kindly offered. “Dear friends and treasured family, I offer my warmest welcome to you on behalf of Mung Bean and Sugar Sweet, who stand before us all this night to be joined within the bonds of marriage. I know I speak for both of them when I say that words cannot adequately express the deep joy and exquisite delights at having you all here, and that their lives have been made all the richer for having you in them.”
A loud sob cut through the air, and a small chuckle swept over the crowd while Princess Cadence passed a kerchief to Prince Shining Armor with a roll of her eyes, a gentle pat on the back, and a longsuffering smile.
“Even if it has only been for a short time,” Bean added with his own chuckle of amusement. “If I may, I would like to offer a few personal thoughts before we make this officially official, but I promise I won’t take very long. After all, we’re all here for these two, not for me.
“A marriage, for the vast majority of us, is a voluntary commitment,” Bean said with a smirk, “and these two before us have voluntarily made the momentous decision to share the rest of their lives together. We do not gather together this evening to mark the beginning of their relationship, but rather to celebrate the strengthening of the bonds that they have already created.”
Bean’s eyes went to Mung and Chowder. “This marriage now offers you the opportunity for growth and sharing that no other relationship can fully offer, but the strength that you can gain from each other will depend largely on the effort both of you put into it. Though you come from different backgrounds, different homes, and different life experiences, I know that you can become one with patience, understanding, and love unfeigned. This adventure you are about to undertake—and believe me, it will be an adventure—will be the greatest thing either of you will ever do, if you spend every day making it so. Fight for each other and with each other, every day and in every way. Be so close to each other that when one of you cries, the other tastes salt. Work through your differences and difficulties with love, and let nothing in this world divide you.
“But enough of my bloviated preaching,” he concluded with a smile. “You didn’t come here for that, you came here to get hitched. Princess Luna?”
Baked Bean moved to stand beside Celestia, and after a quick nuzzle, both turned to watch the Princess of the Night take her position in front of Mung and Chowder. Celestia was beyond ecstatic that her sister had been asked to perform this ceremony, since it meant that Luna was receiving the one thing that had been withheld from her for so many years.
She had been accepted. The ponies of Equestria now saw her as an equal ruler instead of a tyrannical nightmare, and her cherished night was now revered instead of reviled. Luna had been euphoric during each of the planning sessions that had been held since Mung and Chowder had first announced their engagement, and that euphoria was written in broad strokes across her face while she glanced over the guests.
“My dear little ponies, it is now my great honor to join these two together in the bonds of matrimony. Mung, will you face your bride, please?”
Mung did so, and his grin turned into a full out smile that stretched from ear to ear. His hoof reached out and took hers, and he swelled with pride as Luna continued.
“Mung Bean, before you stands Sugar Sweet, the mare whom you have chosen to take as your lawful and legal wife. Will you honor and cherish her throughout your days? Will you care for her in sickness and in health? Will you have her and hold her, in riches or in poverty, and will you pledge all that you have and all that you are to us?”
“Luna!” called out Celestia. “No herds!”
“But he’s a hunk! Oh, well.” Heaving a sigh over the chuckles of the bride and groom, Luna said, “To her, not us. No matter how hot you are.”
“I will,” Mung replied in a strong and sure voice.
“Sugar Sweet, before you stands Mung Bean, the stallion whom you have chosen to take as your lawful and legal husband. Will you honor and cherish him throughout your days? Will you care for him in sickness and in health? Will you have him and hold him, in riches or in poverty, and will you pledge all that you have and all that you are to him?”
“I will,” Chowder said in a voice that quavered in joy.
“Be it known,” Luna announced to the audience, “that these two have thus willingly entered into this oath, of their own accord and with a full determination of heart. If there are any here who object to this union, step forward now so I can get the smiting out of the way. Nopony? Very well. May their love grow to be as bright as the sun and as gentle as the moon, as fair as the stars above and as strong as the earth beneath our hooves. Before these witnesses this evening, I, Princess Luna, do hereby and formally declare these two to be husband and wife, by the Royal authority invested in myself as a Princess of Equestria. Mung, Chowder, you may now kiss, and you’d both better make it a good one.”
Tears began to fall, and cheers of delight filled the air as Mung and Chowder took Luna’s advice. Celestia stomped her hooves in applause with the crowd, and she willingly offered a cheer when Chowder pulled Mung in even tighter.
“Presenting Baron and Baroness Bean!” Luna proudly proclaimed.
* * ✹ * *
“Sister, I could not ask for a more perfect night,” Celestia remarked while Luna’s magic put the finishing touches on her latest creation. “I would never be able to create anything like this, not in a thousand years of trying.”
“Of course you could not. My moon and stars have always given you trouble,” Luna replied with a smug grin, and with one last pulse of energy, the grand green bands of her Borealis began to dance across the night sky. “But thank you, Sister. If this pleases you, then it is sure to please the newlyweds and their families.”
“I think you could simply stand there all night and they would still be happy,” Celestia noted with a quick hug. “You have given their wedding night a magical touch that will last for the rest of their lives, and I know they are grateful for that.”
“It is most fortunate, then, that their cousin managed to marry my sister,” Luna said with a playful nudge.
“You would have done this for them anyway,” Celestia countered.
“I would have. But since they are family, it was easy to say yes to the request.” Luna’s smile suddenly inverted when she glanced to her left. “Sister, I thought the Weather Patrol promised to keep the skies clear this evening.”
“They did.” Celestia nodded to the little black raincloud that had just drifted in over the far wall, but before anypony else saw it, two white streaks tore through the air and tackled the green pony that had been hiding on top of it. “I’ll take care of this. Why don’t you go see how Mung and Chowder are doing?”
Luna nodded. “Be gentle, Sister. I have noticed that the modern paparazzi become most displeased when you ‘accidentally’ break their cameras.”
“I’ll bear that in mind,” Celestia said as she took to the air. Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf had, once again, proved why they had been selected as Baked Bean’s personal guards, and the Princess was happy to see that Sergeant Leaf was again airborne. The injuries she had sustained during the search for Baked Bean when he had been abducted by Chrysalis had been most severe, and for a time, Celestia had been worried that Clover might not be able to fly again.
“You can’t do that!” the errant photographer protested as Sergeant Clover pulled the film out of his camera with a gleeful chuckle. “That’s my rightful property! This is suppression of the press! I’ll sue!”
“This is a private party,” Sergeant Pokey replied in a threatening tone, “and you are in violation of Royal Ordnance one-C, subsection nine—no unauthorized photography during private events on castle grounds. Now, clear out of here or I’ll have you arrested and your cloud impounded.”
“Princess Celestia!” The trespasser tried to break free, but Sergeant Pokey’s grip was too tight. “This is unfair!”
“Why? Because you got caught?”
“Yes! I mean, no. Wait. I mean… well, never mind what I meant.”
“You may lodge your formal complaint tomorrow. For now, I would suggest that you heed the Sergeant’s warning.”
“Fine, fine. But may I ask something before I leave?”
“And what might that be?”
“What names are you considering for your foal? Is it a filly or a colt? What are your succession plans for when the Prince or Princess comes to age?”
“I shall answer one question. Prince Bean and I have settled on a name, and we shall be calling our new foal Nunya.”
“Nunya?”
“As in, Nunya Business. Sergeants, see to it that this ‘reporter’ gets another copy of the official press release before he is dismissed, and make sure he doesn’t disturb us again.”
Sergeant Pokey rolled his neck, eliciting several loud crackling pops with his devious grin. “My pleasure, Your Highness.”
Celestia nodded, then drew in a long breath as she drifted back to the ground. Sergeant Pokey had always been a serious sort of pony, but he had become a bit too serious as of late, and it sent a small wave of sadness and concern through her veins. Ever since the fiasco with Queen Chrysalis, Pokey had grown distant and aloof, and even Shining Armor had mentioned how he missed the old Hokey Pokey. Celestia still held hope that his therapy might yield some positive results, but she knew there was a possibility that he would be unable to recover from this injury to his psyche.
Her wings ruffled a bit when she landed and gazed sadly at the brace on her husband’s left rear leg. Her beloved Bean had also suffered greatly in both body and mind, and his leg would forever bear witness to that fact. Yet, everything he had done was done out of a deep and abiding love for his wife and her little ponies, and she knew he would do it all over again, without reservation, if it meant that she would be safe from harm.
Her smile returned, and her heart melted when he began to dance with a small filly from Chowder’s side of the family. Baked Bean refused to allow his past to define his future, and he was going to be a wonderful father, whether he believed it or not.
“Princess? May I have a word with you?”
Celestia smiled even deeper as her eyes turned to her faithful secretary. “Of course, Wysteria. What can I do for you?”
“I just wanted to remind you that I will be taking the next week off. I have given a copy of your itinerary to Miss Lulamoon, with some very specific instructions and my expectations, but if you should need me for any reason, please just send me a scroll and I will return as quickly as possible.”
“Thank you, but I doubt that will be needed. Trixie should be able to handle everything,” Celestia said with a quick glance over to the magician-turned-secretary, who was entertaining a small group of fillies and colts with her tricks. “Are you sure one week will be sufficient? Moving is always a time-consuming process, and I want to make sure you are fully settled before you return.”
“Oh, I’m sure one week is enough. Quillpoint tells me he knows a great spell that can handle all the heavy lifting, and he’s going to have assistance from some of his guard friends, too. In fact, Lieutenant Spear Point even asked me what day would be best for the additional help, so I wouldn’t be surprised if half of the off-duty guards show up on my doorstep.”
“I see,” Celestia said with a giggle. “And will there be enough room for all of your things in the Corporal’s house?”
Wysteria smiled, and a hoof went to her slightly swollen stomach. “Oh, there’s room. I have a list of where everything goes, and two contingency plans, just in case something happens. I’m even letting him keep that ghastly painting in the living room, although his collection of ‘strategic warfighting miniatures’ is getting boxed up for storage. We’ll get it all in.”
“Good. I must admit, it is nice to see you here. With that sudden bout of morning sickness you experienced at lunch, I was worried you would not be able to attend.”
“Thankfully, Junior decided to settle down for the night,” Wysteria said with a glance back to her midsection and bigger rub of her belly. “He’s a scamp, just like his father. I admit I’ll be happy to have him out, but only when the time is right.”
“Has there been some sort of complication?” Celestia asked in concern.
“Oh, no. Doctor Horsenpfeffer said everything looks normal. I just worry sometimes that he’ll try to come early, since my own mother had that issue with Raven and me.”
“I see why that would be a concern.”
“I’m probably just being a jittery old nag,” Wysteria said with a pleased smile. “I’ll learn how to relax one of these days.”
“Perhaps you should take two weeks off and treat yourself to several spa dates,” Celestia said with a bob of her eyebrows.
“Oh, I already have a full day scheduled, don’t worry,” Wysteria said with a giggle of delight and a wiggle of a forehoof. “I’ve soaked my poor hooves in hot epsom salts so often I’m getting webbing like a duck.”
“Maybe I’ll come join you,” Celestia threatened, and they both laughed.
“I’m sure I could get you in, if you’d like. But for now, I think I’ll take the opportunity to enjoy the cease-fire inside my body and try some of those fritters that the Apple family brought.”
“Try the caramel apples, too,” Celestia said. “Duchess Lima spent most of last night in assisting Granny Smith, and they have created some of the best caramel I have ever had.”
“I guess I can’t go wrong with the Apples and the Beans as the caterers.” Wysteria smacked her lips, and her stomach rumbled slightly. “All right, easy down there. I’ll get both.”
“Good evening, Miss Inkwell,” Celestia offered with a laugh.
The Princess then took a moment to draw in a long sniff of the delectable entrees and desserts that had been prepared by Baked Bean’s family. It was a bit astonishing to find that, somehow, the individual offerings managed to compliment each other, and the overall aroma that permeated the party promised to provide many plump ponies in the morning. As an added bonus, the wedding had provided an excuse for the Apples and the Beans to engage in a friendly and good-natured cook-off, and the payout from their ‘competition’ was one that was never going to be forgotten. Even now, Duke Garbanzo and Duchess Lima were walking among the partygoers, each carrying a tray loaded with options and warm smiles for everypony they met.
With parents like that, it was easy to see how her Bean had become the fantastic chef that he was.
“Princess Celestia?”
“Oh! Good evening, Twilight,” Celestia said with a slight turn to face her former student. “I see you have captured my husband. Will you be returning him sometime this evening?”
“Hey, I caught her, to be fair,” Bean replied as Twilight stammered and sputtered. “Sergeant Clover just passed me a note from the Lieutenant, and we both figured you should hear about it.”
“Oh? What is the trouble?”
“It’s about Starlight Glimmer, that pony who was stealing cutie marks.”
Celestia’s wings ruffled slightly as the details of Twilight’s visit to Our Town came back to her. “What about her?”
“Well, the Guard has finished their search of the area. There’s no trace of where she went.”
Celestia drew in a heavy breath. “I see. This is troubling, but not surprising.”
Twilight nodded. “The chief of police in Manehattan has been notified, and extra air patrols are being sent up to follow the most likely routes she would have taken. I also told Shining and Cadence, and they’re going to step up patrols in the Crystal Empire, just in case.”
“But even with all that, you fear she will elude capture, and that she will eventually return and exact some sort of revenge.”
“I do, yes.”
“Such is the case with many others, I’m afraid. It was believed that Tirek was secure in Tartarus, and Chrysalis managed to blindside all of us as well.” Celestia’s wing instantly reached out and pulled in her Bean, and the two of them shared a shiver. “While it would have been nice if Discord had kept his word to Bean, the best we can do is to remain vigilant, carry on and to trust in Harmony. Endlessly worrying about what Starlight might do will not accomplish any good.”
“I suppose so. I just wish I could have gotten through to her, somehow. I guess we’ll just have to hope that she somehow sees the magic of friendship.”
“I believe she will in the end, Twilight,” Celestia said with a smile.
* * ✹ * *
From the very moment when Mung had proposed marriage to Chowder, there had been one element of their nuptials that was absolute. The wedding had to take place outside, under the light of the full moon. To hold it anywhere else would, in their minds, be an insult to the Princess who had indirectly pulled them together in the first place. When Princess Luna had agreed to perform the ceremony, the opportunity to be wed in the palace gardens was simply too irresistible, and if asked, every last guest would agree that the location was just perfect.
Even the guest who had not been invited would agree. A topiary in the shape of an alicorn—which most certainly had not been there when Trim Hedge had finished preparing the gardens earlier that day—regarded the affairs of the evening with envious eyes while thanking whatever being who liked to be thanked for good fortune.
“That’s right. Just keep kissing him, you fool. I need all the love I can get.”
Queen Chrysalis drank deeply from the emotions in the air, and for good reason. With the recent failure of her last plan, the Changeling’s monarch needed to rebuild the Hive’s love reserves in preparation for her next foolproof plan, once she managed to come up with one. Celestia and that Bean were going to pay through the nose for the insults she had been forced to suffer, and it was going to feel so delicious when she pulled the last flecks of love from Bean’s broken body.
Her neatly trimmed eyes swept over the crowd, and once more, she cursed and nearly spat. That Bean had done something to her while he had been a ‘guest’ in her home, and now, she felt nothing while she soaked in the emotions from the party. The sweet tang of happiness, the smoky smoothness of joy, the spicy kick of desire, and even the wholesome and filling nourishment of pure love all tasted bland and flat to her now, like gum that had been chewed for a week straight without pause. There was only a great emptiness, and she hated how dark and lonesome that immense chasm was.
If she had to be honest, she feared that she would never be able to recover.
“Soon, ponies,” she muttered under her chlorophyllic breath. “I will have my revenge, and you will all…”
Chrysalis trailed off as a familiar scent drew near, an overwhelming blanket of subtle emotions that made her leaves tremble and something deep in her chest give off a sharp stab of pain. She could have closed her eyes and still have seen the snow-white pegasus guard land ever so near but out of reach.
Pokey. Although he was facing away, surveying the overall condition of the party, she saw his sharp blue eyes sparkle as they had done when he looked at her disguise. Though ponies saw identical ranks of Royal Guards, Changelings saw individual options in a full service buffet, and to Chrysalis, Sergeant Hokey Pokey was a rich chocolate pudding that simply oozed with delectable succulence that she wanted to gobble up right now.
A leafy hoof went to her lips as she briefly recalled the time she had shared with him while posing as his unicorn marefriend. The whirlwind tour of Manehattan, afternoon walks around the grounds of the palace, late night runs to Pony Joe’s Donut Shoppe and the frequent yoga sessions that Pokey insisted would help her to find her center.
She then let out a small snort that slightly startled a nearby unicorn. Sentimental nonsense! It was distracting her from her mission, and she needed to focus. She turned her gaze towards the newly married couple, who were both chatting with Princess Cadence, and focused her thoughts on revenge. The Princess also needed to suffer for ruining her wedding to Shining Armor, and…
Chrysalis’ thoughts stilled themselves when the bride leaned up against her groom, wrapped one wing over his barrel, and nuzzled his neck. Sergeant Pokey loved to wrap his wing over her whenever they had walked together in the past, and the changeling queen had grown to enjoy the feel of his coat against her own. She thought of how he would kiss the base of her neck, and then slowly nibble his way up to her cheek with a deft, delicate touch. Even now, with all of her seething wrath for the injustices she’d endured, she longed to have his hooves gently running through her mane once again.
And for one very brief and fleeting moment, Chrysalis imagined that she was the one in the white wedding gown.
“He was going to propose to me,” she silently whispered to herself.
~*~
“Hey, Haricot. Come check this one out,” Lentil said with a wave of a hoof to her younger brother. “It’s kinda weird.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure. Is it supposed to be one of the Princesses? It looks like all four of them mushed into one.”
“I dunno,” Lentil replied before pointing to the head of the topiary before them. “But doesn’t it look like it’s going to cry?”
“Yeah, it does. That’s got to be the saddest shrub I’ve ever seen.”
“It almost looks like…”
“Like what?” Haricot asked after a moment.
“Like it’s remembering a love that it lost,” Lentil said softly. “I almost want to say that it wants to be loved, but doesn’t know how.”
Haricot leaned back, studied the leaves of the face, and then fixed a critical eye on his sister. “I think you’re imagination is acting up again. It’s a bush. I betcha it’s supposed to represent how Luna felt when her husband died.”
Lentil nodded. “It might be, but still…”
“Hey you two!” Balanced Budget called out. “Mung and Chowder are going to cut the cake! Get over here!”
Haricot gave a shrug and walked back towards the others, but Lentil hesitated for a moment before reaching out and touching the leg of the leafy sculpture. “I probably am just imagining things, but I hope you can find happiness, somehow.”
And as Lentil trotted away, a lone drop of dew slid down the cheek of the perfectly trimmed sculpture.
* * ✹ * *
“Thank you again, Princess, for allowing us to stay the night,” Chowder said with a tired yawn.
“Think nothing of it. I have also placed a privacy spell over your room, so if you should happen to have some extra activities planned for the evening, you will not be disturbed.”
“Oh, I definitely think there’s going to be some extra activity tonight,” Chowder said with a lusty grin aimed at her new husband.
“Then Bean and I will wish you good night, and we shall see you tomorrow evening,” Celestia replied with a knowing wink.
There was some light laughter shared between the guests and the hosts while they gave each other one last hug, and with a smile, Celestia drew her Bean in close with her wing as Mung and Chowder were escorted to their room by a guard.
“Such a delightful evening,” the Princess remarked. “I almost hate to have it end.”
“At least the feelings and the memories can go on,” Bean noted with a nuzzle to her neck.
“Indeed. Shall we?”
Bean nodded, and with a dainty yawn, Celestia allowed her husband to guide her towards their room. She was looking forward to snuggling up with him, and…
“Bean? Our room is that way.”
“I know,” he replied with a subtle tug to keep her on their current trajectory. A thrill of joy shot from her tail straight up her spine, and with a ill-hidden giggle, she gleefully wondered what delightful surprise he had in store.
“So where are we going?” she asked in eager anticipation.
“This way,” he coyly replied.
“Why?”
“I still need something.”
“Oh? And what might that be?”
Bean said nothing, but it was just then when Celestia noticed Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf at attention beside the double doors that led to one of the palace’s many balconies. They both offered a crisp salute, and with a nod, they pushed the doors open for the royal couple.
“Thanks, guys,” Bean said with a grin. “Carry on.”
Before Celestia could ask any questions, Bean took her hoof and smiled as he escorted her out into the crisp evening air. Her eyes went wide when she noticed two of the musicians from the reception waiting off to their right.
“Lyra, Octavia.” Bean dipped his head to the two mares. “Thank you for staying a bit longer.”
“Our pleasure, Your Highness,” Lyra replied.
“What is all this?” Celestia asked with a suppressed squee of ecstasy as the musicians began to play a slow and soothing waltz.
“Well, I figured both of us would be busy during the wedding and the reception, but I really want to share a moment with my wife this night.” With a graceful bow, Bean held out a hoof and offered a broad smile. “May I have this dance, my Princess?”
Celestia could have melted right where she stood. Her sneaky Bean had struck again, and as always, he had pierced right to her grateful and overflowing heart. “But of course, my dear Prince. Please, lead on.”
The dance they shared was simple—it was really more of a shuffling of hooves, given Bean’s injured leg and inability to dance in the first place—but Celestia didn’t care. For a glorious moment, she was not the Princess of the Sun, with all of the royal rules and responsibilities that came with that. There were no diplomats here, no urgent crisis to solve, no bickering nobles and no appearances to maintain.
It was her, with him. No more and no less, and that made everything perfect.
“So, my beloved,” Bean asked while she gazed into his sea-green eyes. “What do you think awaits us in the future?”
“Only the greatest joys either of us will ever experience,” Celestia replied with a smile. “You and I are bound together as one, and with that binding, we shall conquer anything that may come. Let the heavens roar in fury and the earth heave itself into a foaming mass, if they like. As husband and wife and family, we shall ascend above it all.”
“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” Bean said with a passionate kiss.
“You’re almost there, Your Highness! Just a little bit more!” Doctor Horsenpfeffer bent over her patient with a ruler to measure the ongoing process. “Push! C’mon! Give me a really big one now!”
There was a scream of agony, and a hoof slammed into the exam table with enough force to leave a sizeable dent. Horsenpfeffer then gave a small cheer while the afflicted royal gulped and gasped like a fish on dry land.
“There we go! You’re doing just fine! Just one more, and that should do it!”
A louder screech of transcendent pain nearly tore the air in half, which was followed up with several gasping words that would normally be most unbecoming of a royal.
“That’s it! Very well done, Your Highness.”
“That was the last one, right?!”
“Yes, Your Highness. That should be good for today.” Horsenpfeffer’s magic did a quick check of her patient before she moved to wash her hooves.
“Are you sure you’re a doctor?” Baked Bean groaned as he sat up and began to nurse his left rear leg. “I’m starting to think you’re the Royal Inquisitor, and that stethoscope is just one of your torture devices.”
“That’s the best part,” Horsenpfeffer replied while puffing her chest out and putting a hoof on her hip. “Nopony expects the Royal Inquisition when you’re wearing scrubs.”
“Are you sure there’s not some sort of magic spell that can fix my leg?” Bean sucked in a sharp breath. “Or at least numb the pain?”
“Pain is your friend, Your Highness. You won’t heal if you don’t hurt. Magic is wonderful, but it can’t fix everything.”
“I wish it could,” he grumbled.
“You and me both. However, your leg is doing well, and I like the progress you’re making. If you keep doing your exercises, I think we can take that brace off your leg earlier than I thought.”
“That would be nice. That thing is cumbersome and itches like crazy.”
“Let me know if the pain doesn’t start to subside in the next hour or so,” Horsenpfeffer continued. “While there isn’t a magic spell to fix your leg, there is one either I or the Princess can use for some minor relief at night. We’ll try some new exercises tomorrow.”
“I would say that sounds good, but it doesn’t. I’ll be here anyway.”
“Marvelous! Now then, shall we check on your wife?”
“Yeah. She’s probably already worried sick about me.”
“Maybe, but she is doing better now. My door is still attached to the frame, there is not an alicorn sized hole in my wall, and you actually made it through a full therapy session without being whisked away to Snuggly Healingland.”
Bean rubbed the back of his head and grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. We had a long talk about what happened during that first therapy session, and she admitted to overreacting. She agreed that I need to get through these sessions—and that Minister Penny Wise is going to have a conniption if we keep tapping the capital repairs budget—so she promised to behave.”
“I’m sure she will. To be honest, Your Highness, Celestia is not any different than any other wife who is concerned about her husband. The only problem is the raw amount of power she can pack into her punches. If you stay positive about your treatments, I think you’ll be able to assuage much of her concern.”
“I’ll do my best.” Bean winced while moving his leg. “I may gripe a little, though.”
“I can hardly expect any less,” Horsenpfeffer replied before popping open her door. She gasped and retreated a step when she found herself nose-to-nose with Princess Celestia and her concerned frown, and a hoof went to the doctor’s chest while the mother-to-be pulled a set of bright orange earplugs out of her ears.
“Well?” she asked, as her magic hauled Bean into her embrace. “Are you alright? How badly does it hurt? I can have a bath drawn to help soak away any of your pains, and Miss Lulamoon is putting in an order right now for several lentil burgers. I have heard that you need extra protein while your muscles heal.”
“That sounds delightful, my Love,” Bean replied with a quick nuzzle to her neck. He knew that saying anything else would only increase her anxiety levels. “Let’s get you checked out first, then we can go enjoy all of that.”
“Doctor, I believe I owe you an apology for last week,” Celestia offered while she entered the exam room. “I really did not mean to cause such a ruckus, nor did I mean to damage so much of your equipment. I just couldn’t bear to hear my dear Bean’s screams of pain, and my emotions overrode my better judgement. It won’t happen again.” She tucked the orange earplugs away behind her golden peytral with the unspoken “unless I need to” echoing around the room.
“Don’t worry about it, Your Highness. There’s always an element of risk involved when you’re the personal anything⁽*⁾ to one of the Diarchs of Equestria. Besides, this gives me an excuse to procure new equipment. I made sure to include an ‘Acts of Princess’ clause in my insurance policy, so all I have to do is submit a claim and a few requisition forms.” ⁽*⁾ Luna’s personal dentist is expected to make a full recovery, and most of the equipment from his office was salvageable, once the fire was extinguished. —
Bean tried to hold back his snicker of amusement, but it failed spectacularly. “Did you have to buy separate policies for each Princess?”
“No, I managed to get a universal Princess damage rider when I was hired years ago. However, I’ve been told by my insurance friends that new applicants have to purchase coverage separately, and the premiums for Twilight Sparkle coverage are through the roof. Metaphorically speaking, of course.”
“Of course. The Luna rates must be pretty cheap, though.”
Celestia offered an annoyed nicker to this banter. “I don’t cause that much damage.”
“You’ve been trending upwards as of late,” Horsenpfeffer replied while she kicked a lever and lowered her exam table to the floor. “That little destructive romp through the palace when you chased down the fake Bean didn’t help matters. Now, have a seat and let’s have a look at you and that foal.”
Celestia did so with a slight frown. Horsenpfeffer’s magic then wrapped around Celestia’s midsection, and with a smile, the doctor began to prod the royal tummy gently with her hooves.
“So, how do you feel about your pregnancy, overall? Any concerns?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, I don’t have any concerns. As far as I can tell and feel, Epiphany is doing well.”
“Good. How about any of the traditional pregnancy symptoms? Have you had any morning sickness, fatigue, swelling in any extremities, unexplained horn nocturnal emissions, sparks, specks, splots, premature molting, myoclonic jerking of your diaphragm, podial paresthesia...” Bean had to admit to a certain mental fading as the list of potential problems rolled onward. “... unexplained cravings for consuming strange foods or husbands?”
Celestia glanced over to Bean, who was wide awake now. “I have been feeling a bit more fatigued over the last two or three weeks. I don’t think I’ve had any swelling, though. I did mention that a peanut butter and banana sandwich sounded appetizing this morning. I’m not sure if that counts.”
“That’s not too bad. I lived on flat diet cola and onion rings with my twins.” Horsenpfeffer paused, poked at a spot near her navel, and then quickly placed her stethoscope on the Princess.
“What is it?” Celestia asked with deep concern, but she was promptly shushed. Horsenpfeffer sat perfectly still, save for the growing smile on her face, and after a moment, her magic pulled the eartips out of her own ears and held them out to Celestia.
“It’s very faint, but you can hear her heartbeat.”
Celestia’s face lit up in delight, and as she listened, the glow that was coming from both of the mares threatened to blind Bean. After a few moments, Celestia motioned for him to come closer, and after a quick check and adjustment, Horsenpfeffer nodded for Bean to listen.
At first, all Bean could hear was Celestia’s steady heartbeat and measured breathing. With a small grunt, he closed his eyes and focused on his ears, eagerly wishing to hear his daughter. There was a scratching while Horsenpfeffer moved the diaphragm slightly left, and then Bean’s own breathing stopped.
There she was.
It was so faint that it was almost imperceptible, but it was there. Against the strong thumps of Celestia’s own rhythm, Bean could hear the rapid, steady taps of another life within.
“She’s really there,” he whispered as he fought back his overjoyed emotions and failed. “I believed you, of course, but now that I can hear her, it’s really real. I have a daughter. I’m going to be a dad.”
Celestia nuzzled him gently, and her tears mixed with his. “And you’re going to be glorious, my love.”
“How far along is she?” Bean asked.
“I’d guess you’re at about the two month mark now,” Horsenpfeffer replied. “Give or take a few days, of course.”
“So, we should have her sometime next summer?”
“Most likely in late summer.”
“Hello, my little Nilla,” Bean said with a proud smile. “I’m looking forward to meeting you, but you need to stay in there and grow big and strong for me, all right?”
The stethoscope was passed back to the Doctor, who took a moment to wipe it down with a disinfectant while the Prince and Princess shared a few kisses with their tears. Once the emotion of the moment had settled down slightly, Horsenpfeffer produced a pad of paper and a pencil from a nearby drawer and began to write.
“Any other questions for me at the moment? No? Okay. Now, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, I want to discuss a few things with both of you. Nothing bad!” she added hastily to Celestia’s worried frown. “As far as I can tell at this point in the game, Nilla is doing well. However, there’s a lot of unknowns with your pregnancy, Princess, so I’d like to err on the side of caution.”
“What unknowns do you refer to?”
“The biggest one is the fact that you’re an alicorn. An earth pony pregnancy is not exactly the same as a unicorn’s or a pegasus’s, so with you being all three in one, that complicates things just a bit. I assume that I just cover every base possible, but I have a personal vendetta against assumptions.”
“Were you able to get any information from Luna’s medical records in the Archives?” Celestia asked.
“Oh, I got all sorts of information on what not to do. I really don’t know how your sister managed to go full term, given that the remedy for nearly every problem was to remove as much blood as possible.”
Celestia giggled a bit with that. “The better question to ask is how the physicians survived. Luna would run, while screaming at the top of her lungs, whenever needles or leeches were produced.” She paused with a thoughtful expression. “Luna never actually caught one of the doctors to do what she was threatening, but they certainly had incentive to run, and they were getting a little fat anyway. And it was probably good for Luna’s health, too.”
“That would explain why she was confused when I brought her in for her vaccinations.” Horsenpfeffer shrugged. “Aside from that, I haven’t found any useful information, apart from a nice recipe to alter the color of your coat. Luna did agree to chat with me this evening about her experience, so I’m hopeful I can get some good information from that.
“In the meantime, and in the absence of any viable medical advice, I’ll offer this: you know your body better than anypony else, so if you feel like something is wrong, tell me immediately. The phrase ‘I don’t want to bother the doctor’ is to be stricken from your vocabulary. If you feel that everything is right, then you and I will take a few minutes at the end of each exam to talk about it and to establish some sort of baseline for future use. You and Prince Bean may want to have another, after all, and there is one other married alicorn who might be encouraged to start a family thanks to your example.”
“It’s kinda weird that Cadence and Shining haven’t had a dozen foals by now, isn’t it?” Bean said.
“Not so much,” Celestia said with a small smile. “For all of his courage and fortitude, the Captain of my Guard has reservations about having a foal of his own.”
“Really?” Bean asked. “Shining is scared of kids?”
“Not scared, just… concerned. Despite his rough exterior, he is an extremely tender and sensitive stallion inside. As Captain, he has operational plans and contingency plans on top of that, to say nothing of the contingency plans for the contingency plans. A foal is unpredictable, and that makes it difficult for him to fully embrace the concept.”
“Huh. That actually makes a lot of sense.” Bean rubbed his chin and stared at the far wall. “How does Cadence feel about that?”
“She’s being patient, and understanding. She tells me she knows they’ll have a foal when the time is right, and that time will be decided together. I think you and I may have given the process a bit of a kick, though. Cadence told me at the wedding that Shining was asking Mung and Chowder about their plans for a family, and he has never done that before.
“However, I think we should continue this conversation elsewhere. Doctor, I will be delighted to provide whatever information I can during my pregnancy, but I do hope it will be rather unremarkable.”
“I certainly hope so as well. Just one last thing,” Horsenpfeffer pulled the door open, and drew in a sharp breath. “For the time being, I would also like you to cut back on your magic usage. I know you need to raise the sun, but apart from that, I think it would be wise to limit how much magic you use in a day, until we can get a better idea of how your excess power might affect Nilla. You’ll probably be fine with writing and other little things like that, but let’s keep it to about that level at any given point.”
Celestia nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll do my best, Doctor. I suppose this means that I should have my dear Bean assist me in my day-to-day activities.”
“I would be happy to,” he said with a kiss for her. “Whatever it takes to keep you and Nilla safe, I’ll do it.”
* * ✹ * *
“There we go,” Celestia happily proclaimed with a delighted hum. “Right there.”
Bean laughed a little as Celestia spread her wings and began to melt into a puddle of peaceful princess upon the cushions in their drawing room. “I have to admit, I never would have thought that you would enjoy having your mane brushed out as much as you do.”
“Sometimes it’s the simplest things that bring the greatest pleasures,” she replied as a knock came at the door.
“Excuse me, Your Highnesses,” Trixie said from the other side, “but Trixie has your lunch and those lists you requested.”
“Come in, Miss Lulamoon,” Bean called out with a tug at a snarl. “You know, I think you missed a pregnancy symptom, Celly.”
Celestia’s eyes flicked up, and her magic took a bundle of papers from Trixie’s magic. “I did?”
Bean held up a chunk of her mane with the brush and smiled. “Yup. I swear your mane is thicker and longer now. It feels a lot more luxuriant, too.”
Celestia’s pleased grin grew larger. “I’ll make sure to mention that at my next appointment. I may have to start putting it and my tail up into a bun if they get in the way. You won’t laugh at me, will you?”
“Not in a million years,” Bean said while he helped Trixie with the overloaded silver tray of food. “But maybe you could do just a simple ponytail?”
“I might be able to. Thank you, Miss Lulamoon. That is all for now.”
Trixe took a moment to scratch at the secretarial collar around her neck with a rear hoof and a small bark of annoyance, but she then left with no further comment.
“I worry about the hired help sometimes,” Bean remarked while he picked up the brush and drew a hum from his wife as he began brushing again. “Trixie can be very ruff—gruff! Very gruff at times.”
“On occasion, but she is proving to be a loyal companion to Wysteria and she has taken to her training well. She does not need to be hounded for items like she used to, and Wysteria has told me that she no longer feels the need to keep her on a short leash.”
Bean snickered a bit. “Do you think she prefers kibble or canned food?”
“Stop that,” Celestia giggled. “Trixie is not an animal. Though between you and me, I think she would prefer canned, given how she wolfs down my pancakes.”
“My lips are sealed,” he replied with a glance to the papers in her magic. “What do you have there?”
“A few things I wanted to talk to you about regarding Nilla. There are a couple of items that we will need to settle.”
“Like?”
“Well, for instance, you and I need to begin to vet potential candidates for Nilla’s private tutors. We also need to hire a governess and make arrangements for her room and board.”
Bean’s brushing slowed for a moment. “Oh. I suppose we do need to take care of that, don’t we?”
“Is there something wrong with that?”
Bean winced. While he loved his life dearly, her ability to draw his emotions and feelings out of his words was a bit annoying at times. “No, not at all.”
“Bean,” she shot back in a low, warning tone.
“Right, right. No more sneaky Bean. I just…”
Thankfully, Celestia also knew when she needed to remain silent, and he attempted to brush his thoughts out of her sparkling mane and into some sort of order. Once they both were somewhat coherent, he drew in a long breath.
“Okay. The commoner in me realizes that you are granting me a boon that most parents would beg, borrow, and steal to give to their own children. The education that Nilla is going to receive will be second to none, and that’s just with what you will teach her. She’s going to have the absolutely finest teachers and tutors that can be had, and by the time she graduates, she’ll be smarter than I am by double digits.
“So, when I think of all that, I hate to bring up any concerns about your proposals. I hate that I even have a concern, and it’s not even about tutors and everything.
“I’m concerned about the governess part.” In the absence of any remark from Celestia, he plowed forward, feeling eager and a bit relieved to express his thoughts. “I know we’re going to be busy with Day Court and meetings and ambassadors and the hundred other things we have to do in a day, and I know having a governess would help Nilla to get the most out of her lessons and everything else, and she would also be kept on schedule, which is important, and I bet you and Luna had one when you were young too, but…”
Another long pause came as Bean tried to think of how to best present his thoughts in a coherent manner. He grunted when he failed, and he settled on using the simplest words possible.
“I just don’t like the thought of some other pony being the one who is there for all of those little moments that will make up her life. I don’t want her to look back and to see Lady Grimace when she remembers her dance classes, or when she talks about all of the piano lessons she took, or anything else like that.” His brushing stopped as his own mind filled with the memories from his own childhood. “I mean, I’m glad that my Mom and Dad came to my track meets in high school, and even with their pressure at the Zuerst, some of the happiest times in my life were when it was just me and them, working out a new recipe for the menu. I know we’ll be there for all the major events of her life, but I want to be there for all the in between bits, too.”
Bean then cringed and waited for her scathing reply. She was bound to have at least a dozen reasons that would perfectly counteract all of his arguments and put him in his place.
Instead, what he heard was “I can see your point. I believe we can forgo a governess.”
“Wait, really?”
Celestia pulled in her wings, rolled onto her back, and gave him that beautifully comforting smile that always melted away his worries. “Yes. I admit I would prefer to have a governess, but you have a very valid point. It will take some extra planning and understanding, especially while Nilla is a newborn, but I believe it can be done.”
“And if I am wrong, we can always hire one later, right?”
“Right,” Celestia replied while her magic snagged one of the lentil burgers that had been brought in. “But I have faith that we can work it out together.”
“Thanks,” he said with a kiss. “I’m more than happy to go over the list of tutors with you, of course. Maybe they can help me, too.”
“If they can, maybe you’ll give up your crusade against algebra?” Celestia bobbed her eyebrows and took a large bite from her burger.
“Let’s not be too hasty,” he said, but then he frowned. “Is that… ketchup?”
Celestia glanced to her mostly eaten meal, then back to her husband with a sultry grin. “And what if it is?”
“If it is, then I suddenly lost my appetite.”
“You really should be more accepting, Mister Bean,” she purred, and then she slowly slid the remaining bite into her mouth.
“Or I could improve it,” he mused, a hoof reaching up to rub his chin. “I bet I could. A few seasonings, maybe.”
“If there is a pony who could accomplish such an impossible task, it is you.”
“Eh, another time,” he said. “I see something that is far more worthy of my attention.”
“Indeed. This pregnant princess demands all of your adoration.”
“And you shall have it, for as long as I live and beyond.”
“Perfect,” she growled while her magic pulled him in close. “Your princess also demands satisfaction. C’mere.”
Bean would have made some sort of joke regarding Luna’s status as a princess, but he never got the chance.
Celestia smiled and reached out with her wing to pull her Bean into a comforting squeeze. “You are, my love. The diplomatic ties between Equestria and Saddle Arabia are strong, and the delegation is eager to meet you. There are no trade treaties to negotiate, no crisis to avert. The only difference between this and any other diplomatic meeting you’ve been to is the fact that it is in another country. Just relax and be yourself, and you’ll do fine.”
Bean tore his gaze away from the scenery whizzing by the train car’s window, and he leaned into his wife’s comforting embrace. “Thanks. At the least, I’m sure you’ll stop me before I do anything too stupid.”
“Don’t be so sure. I may beat you to the punch. Pregnancy hormones can mess with your equilibrium, I’ve heard.”
“That happened once,” Luna said through a yawn from the rear of the car. “How was I to know that my Twilight would decide to pinch off that nerve right as I was entering the great hall?”
“Excuse me, Your Highnesses,” Trixie’s voice came as she entered the car with a large domed tray and a stack of papers on a cart. “Trixie has your breakfast, and the documents you requested.”
Celestia’s stomach offered a deep rumble of anticipation to this news, and Bean gave it a gentle poke before sharing a laugh with his wife. As they moved to sit around the low table that had been provided, though, Bean noticed that Trixie was sniffing at the tray with a forlorn look of despair.
“Trixie, would you care to join us?” He pulled the dome from the tray, and automatically, Trixie licked her lips.
Her eyes then went wide, and she began to backpedal towards the door as Luna snagged a muffin in her magic. “Oh, no. I appreciate the offer, but Trixie has papers to shuffle and pencils to push. I really should be going.”
“All of that can wait.” Celestia eagerly popped a strawberry into her mouth, and she motioned for the assistant secretary to come sit next to her. “Please, we would love to have your company, especially since Luna has gone to sleep.”
Bean snickered, and Trixie tried very hard not to as their attention moved to the younger princess. She had dropped nose-first into what remained of her morning muffin snack, and was somehow snoring through the crumbs.
Trixie’s eyes then went to the untouched food in front of Bean and Celestia, and the corners of her mouth twitched up. “Well, if you insist.”
The royal couple chuckled together while Trixie plopped down on the cushions and promptly loaded her plate as high as she could. Bean began to create an artistic arrangement with the fruits that had been provided, and Celestia contented herself with preparing the tea.
“If I may offer an observation, Miss Lulamoon. You are one of the hungriest ponies I have ever met. I certainly hope you are getting enough to eat on a daily basis.”
“Miss Inkwell makes sure that I do,” Trixie replied with a mouth full of food. “But Trixie always eats like this. As a travelling showpony, I never know when I’ll get my next meal, so I learned that it’s best to pack in as much as I can whenever possible.”
“You were looking pretty thin back at Neighagra Falls,” Bean mused.
“Trixie’s funds dried up after the Alicorn Amulet incident. No matter where I went, ponies had already heard about my short and almost inconsequential takeover of Ponyville, and most places ran me off in fear.” Trixie’s eyes went to the floor, and she shrugged. “But Trixie supposes that is the price to pay for arrogance. Still, it would be nice if Trixie could be remembered for being great and powerful, not destructive and petty.”
“I think things will be better for you once you head out again,” Bean offered. “You did a really good job at Mung and Chowder’s wedding. I had several parents tell me you put on an amazing show for their kids, and my aunt Adzuki asked how you did that coin trick. I bet if you did a series of shows in Salt Lick to start out, you could get some positive press going.”
“I believe being the assistant secretary to Princess Celestia will help your reputation as well,” Celestia added while floating a teacup over to Trixie. “And the story of how you became the Element of Pride and valiantly fought against the dreaded Tirek will be most compelling.”
“And you won’t even have to embellish it!” Bean pointed out with a smirk.
Trixie rubbed her chin, and a slightly wicked smile slowly spread. “You do have a good point. An ursa major is nothing compared to a magic stealing centaur.”
“And even if your new show fails to bring in the crowds, you are always welcome to come back here,” Celestia said.
“Really? You would hire Trixie again?” Trixie asked, and Celestia nodded.
“Yes. Wysteria has told me that she appreciates the additional help, and you have proven able to adapt to the most curious circumstances with no notice, a talent which serves you well in this position. You will always be welcome at the Palace.”
Trixie glanced over to Bean, whose smile reeked of “I told you so.” She then shook her head in amusement and snickered slightly.
“Thank you, Your Highness. Trixie does have to admit that she likes having a stable source of bits. Maybe I’ll stay here, and start up a night show in Canterlot. From what Trixie has seen, the upper crust is in dire need of some entertainment.”
“I would love to say that you are wrong, but—”
Celestia’s sentence was interrupted by Trixie’s muzzle contorting in a way that should not be possible, a gagging wheeze, and then a grandiose belch that rattled the walls of the car and jolted Luna awake with a spray of muffin crumbs and a shout of “do your worst, you foul fiends!” A puff of sparkling smoke snaked out of Trixie’s mouth and into the air, which then congealed into a scroll that Celestia snagged and opened in a flash.
“I didn’t know you knew how to utilize dragonfire mail,” Bean said with a chortle while Trixie groaned, sputtered, and rubbed her stomach with a hoof.
“Trixie can only receive messages. Miss Inkwell says I don’t have enough magic to send them. Trixie is also not convinced that this is the only way to receive them, despite what Wysteria says.”
“Bean?” Celestia’s voice dripped with worry, and her magic passed the scroll to him. “This message is for you.”
Baked Bean would have made a joke about finally being the recipient of a scroll, but his wife’s deep frown and splayed ears was a sign that even he couldn’t miss and the words died in his throat. Slowly, he reached out and took the message, and he began to read.
Prince Bean,
Your grandmother Pole has experienced a major medical episode and is now hospitalized in Las Pegasus. Doctors do not expect her to survive.
ERP is now active. Captain Spitfire and Cadet Rainbow Dash will intercept your train for immediate return to Las Pegasus. More information will be provided by the Captain en route.
-Lieutenant Spear Point Acting Commander, Royal Guard
Bean flipped the scroll over, then glanced to his wife. “Something happened to Grandma Pole.”
“I will come with you,” Celestia said while Bean read the message again. “The delegation will understand, and we will reschedule.”
“If I may, I would like to accompany you,” Luna chimed in. “I am an honorary Bean, after all.”
Bean nodded, and Celestia turned to Trixie. “Sergeants Leaf and Pokey will remain with you, and assist with rescheduling our meeting with the delegates. Once that is completed, you will return to Canterlot and wait for further instructions. I am placing a great deal of trust in you with this task, Miss Lulamoon. Please do not disappoint me.”
Trixie nodded resolutely. “Trixie will take care of everything.”
* * ✹ * *
“Bean Buddy, Celestia.” Garbanzo quickly removed his flat cap, gave his son a quick hug, and gestured to the waiting elevator. “I’m glad you made it. I was worried you wouldn’t get here in time. Luna, hello! Sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”
“We have better things to worry about at the moment. Do not concern yourself with me,” Luna replied.
“So, when did this happen?” Bean asked as the doors shut and the elevator began to ascend.
“Oh, when did it…” Garbanzo scratched his head and grunted. “It’s all just one big mush in my head right now. I think we got the news from your Grandpa Soy around eight or so. Once we told that guard you gave us what had happened, he initiated some sort of protocol to get all the Beans here as quickly as possible.”
“Emergency recovery protocol,” Celestia said with a frown. “I won’t get into the details, but the name describes the general function, and it appears to have worked exactly as intended. I had hoped that it would never be needed.”
“Anyway, your Mom, Grandpa and Aunt See haven’t left your Grandma’s side since we got here. The others are in the waiting room, just…” Garbanzo swallowed hard, “just waiting for the end.”
Bean nodded solemnly as the doors dinged open, and Garbanzo quickly led them down the hallway, past the grim-faced nurses, and to a hospital door flanked by a pair of unicorn guards. With a nod, one pushed the door open, and Bean rushed into the room.
“Mom, hey.” Bean greeted her with a quick hug before turning to his aunt Sieva and Grandpa Soy. “We got here as fast as we could. How is Grandma doing?”
Celestia’s heart tore clean in half while she took in the scene, and for several long moments, she could not bring herself to believe the truth that was before her. Everything about this was too artificial, too mechanical, and far too sanitary to be real. The pony that resided in the hospital bed was only a shell, a husk of the once vibrant mare that had been Grandma Pole. Several wires snaked from pads on her chest to the various monitors, and a large patch of hair had been shaved from the right side of her neck to allow for an intravenous tap. A ventilator mask completed the horrific atmosphere, and as Pole’s chest jerked up and down, it was clear that her breathing was no longer her own.
“She’s not going to make it, Baked,” Soy whispered in deep despair. “That machine has been breathing for her since we got here, and it’s the only thing keeping her alive right now. The doctors tell me the stroke destroyed more than half of her brain, and there’s no way to recover from something that massive.”
“So, once you take her off the machines, she’ll…”
Bean couldn’t finish the sentence, but he didn’t need to. All eyes lingered on Pole’s supine form, and for several long moments, there was nothing but sniffles and the horribly repetitive beeping from the monitors.
“When did this happen?” Bean whispered after what felt like hours.
“This morning,” Soy replied, his eyes locked on his wife. “We were getting ready to head out to do some shopping. She went into the kitchen to get a quick drink of water, that’s all. I heard her say she didn’t feel good, and then she—she just collapsed. It all happened so fast.”
Another profound silence followed Soy’s words, and Celestia found herself desperate for some words of comfort to share with the devastated patriarch. It was rare and frustrating for her to be at a loss, but her mind stubbornly refused to produce anything of worth. Everything she could conjure seemed cold, devoid of feeling and far inferior to the task of providing peace to a troubled soul. Celestia’s realm was within the light, and when faced with the darkness of the end, she was helpless against it.
But there was another who understood the dark in a way that nopony else ever could, and as that mare moved to Soy’s side, she began to gather the growing gloom to herself without any apparent effort.
“Let it out, Soy,” Luna whispered. “I am here. You need not travel this road alone. I have passed this way before.”
With a shuddering sob that encapsulated the uttermost depths of sorrow, Soy moved into Luna’s waiting embrace. Tears of sorrow mingled together and fell without mercy, and Luna’s broad, dark wings enveloped, surrounded, and held the grieving elderly stallion tightly within her embrace.
It only took a moment more for Celestia to gather in her husband and her devastated in-laws, and she held them tightly within her own feathered hug. She wanted to cure this ill, to drive away the dark depression that had overtaken the Bean family, but to her great regret, she could do nothing. There was no magic spell, no enchantment that could undo the catastrophic damage that had been wrought. Once again, she found herself watching the end of mortality, and the tears that flowed were all too familiar.
Celestia remained in this tight embrace for what felt like hours, desperate to share her love and what little comfort she could with those whom she held, until Soy and Luna separated and shared a sad smile with each other.
“Lima, Sieva. It’s time to let her go,” Soy said with a halting, trembling voice. “We all know she wouldn’t want to live on like this.”
“Take as long as you need to offer your final farewells,” Luna said. “We will wait outside.”
“Wait,” Sieva quickly said with a glance to her father and her sister. “Lima, once we’re ready, you should invite the rest of the Beans in, if they would like to be here when she goes.”
“Dad, is that okay?” Lima asked.
The response was slow and trembling, yet somehow confident and sure. “Yes, please. The Beans welcomed us as one of their own with pleased smiles and warm hugs as soon as you began to flirt with Garbanzo. They’re our family, and they deserve to be here for the end, if they like.”
* * ✹ * *
“Hey, Bean. You holdin’ up okay?”
Baked Bean drew in a deep breath and offered a sad smile to Rainbow Dash as she sat next to him in the waiting room. “No.” Bean took another breath, leaned up against Rainbow Dash, and just sat there in silence for a while until he added, “Thanks. For being here, and bringing us.”
“No sweat.” Rainbow Dash adjusted her goggles against her forehead once Bean sat back upright again. “I’d do that for any of my friends. Loyalty, remember?”
“Yeah.” A wan smile managed to emerge onto Bean’s tired face and he added, “So, how did that work? Did you get some kind of message in Ponyville or something?”
“Kinda. See, when I became a cadet, Captain Spitfire told me about the emergency recovery thing, and that as the fastest flyer in Equestria, she would need me to assist if it ever got used. I was just getting ready to take my pet tortoise out for his morning flight when she showed up with the chariot, threw a flight suit at me, and gave me exactly thirty seconds to suit up. We took off to pick you up right after that.”
“Huh. Let me see,” Bean tapped his chin. “Grams had her stroke at five minutes to eight. Grandpa sent word to my parents fifteen minutes later, so the guard assigned to my parents would have activated the protocols at eight ten. When did Spitfire get to you?”
“Eight fifteen, roughly.”
“Well, I think Shining Armor and his subordinates are going to be pleased with the overall time. That was incredibly fast.”
“Thanks,” Rainbow preened for a moment, but then shrunk back. “Um, I’m sorry that it had to be for something like this, though.”
“It’s okay. It’s probably for the best that it was tested here and now, instead of for something really bad.”
“I think this counts as ‘really bad,’” Rainbow said. “Just in a different way.”
“Probably. So, when can you go home?”
“Spitfire told me to stay and help you and the Princess until your regular guards get here. Besides, I know Twilight is going to want me to tell her what happened, since we had a weather control lesson set up for today.”
“Do we need to let her know why you’re not there?”
“I have already sent a brief message to her,” Celestia said from behind them, and she shared a quick nuzzle with her husband. “However, you will need to fill her in on the details when you return home, Rainbow Dash.”
“Can do. What can I help with now?”
“For the moment, not much,” Celestia replied. “Bean, your parents, Flageolet, and your grandfather are meeting with a funeral director right now, but they have asked that we stay, to which I agreed. I know you would not want to leave them until you are sure they have everything taken care of anyway.”
“Thanks,” Bean said with a small kiss for her.
“Luna is returning to Canterlot with Captain Spitfire, and a carriage will be sent here as soon as Miss Lulamoon returns from Saddle Arabia. I have sent a request for an update, but I have not yet received a reply.”
“Hopefully Trixie didn’t accidentally swallow it,” Bean said with a cold laugh.
“Serve her right if she did,” Rainbow muttered with a snort.
“I’m sure she will reply when she has a moment to do so,” Celestia said as she pulled Bean into her embrace and wrapped her wings around him. “Sergeants Pokey and Clover Leaf will return with the carriage and resume their guard duties, and from there, we will offer whatever assistance we can to Soy at this difficult time.”
“What about the rest of your family?” Rainbow asked Bean. “Do they need any help?”
“I’ll ask, but I think they’re doing as well as can be expected. I think most of them are on their way back to Salt Lick now.”
“Really? So soon?”
“There’s not much else they can do,” Bean said with a long sigh as Celestia hugged him just a bit tighter. “My parents and aunt See will make sure Grandpa is taken care of, and they’ve already offered their condolences. You can only say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ so many times.”
“One of the great injustices of death is that life goes on, irrespective of the crushing blow that has just taken place,” Celestia added, and a tear slid down her cheek and plopped on Bean’s mane. “When I thought I had lost Bean, I did not know how to continue living without him, and I have only had his love for a fraction of the time that Soy and Pole have cherished together. I hate to compare my experience to his, but if it is anything like what I felt, then Soy is far stronger than I am.
“Thankfully, the Bean family is a tight-knit group, in my limited experience,” she continued with a soft smile. “And if I were to hazard a guess, I would say that Soy will not be left alone during this difficult time.”
“Not in a million years,” Bean added. “Grandma Flageolet said she was going to get a hotel room here and stay to help, since she’s gone through this, too.”
“That’s right, you’ve already lost your paternal grandfather,” Celestia said as she released him. “I have not heard much about him.”
“That’s because he died when my dad was just a little colt,” Bean said with a thoughtful gaze. “I only know about Tepary Bean through stories and anecdotes.”
“May I ask how he died?”
“Robbery gone bad, from what I remember. He tried to fight back but was stabbed in the chest during the scuffle. They never did find the culprit.”
“Huh. I didn’t think stuff like that happened anymore,” Rainbow said.
“It doesn’t,” Bean replied. “This was thirty-odd years ago, and back then, Salt Lick’s crime rate was pretty bad. His murder spurred a lot of reforms, so now things are a lot better.”
“Baked, dear?” Lima’s voice cut into the conversation, and Bean gave her a quick hug. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m about as good as you are. I don’t think the full weight of what happened has really set in yet.”
Lima nodded. “It all just feels like some sort of waking nightmare, doesn’t it? I can hardly believe it myself.”
“What can we do for you?” Celestia asked, the concern heavy in her words.
“I’m not sure. Right now, we’re trying to figure out which cemetery in Salt Lick would be best. Dad wants to have Mom nearby, so the whole family can come and visit whenever they’d like.”
“I think the Spurwood Memorial Gardens might be best, then,” Bean offered. “Or maybe the city cemetery. That would be a bit pricey, though.”
Lima nodded. “I suggested Spurwood, too. Your Grandpa is thinking about it, but we agreed that we needed to take a break first. I came out to see if you wanted to come and get a bite to eat in the cafeteria with us.”
“That would be delightful,” Celestia said. “I have often said that weighty decisions are best made on a full stomach. Rainbow Dash, Bean and I would be honored to pay for your meal as a small thank you for the service you have rendered today.”
“I am feeling pretty hungry,” Rainbow replied. “You guys aren’t going to take over the kitchen and start cooking everything yourselves, are you?”
Lima shook her head. “No, we won’t. I don’t think anypony really feels like cooking at the moment.”
* * ✹ * *
“Celly? Are you okay? You’ve been unusually quiet all day.”
“Hm? Oh, yes. I’m well enough, I suppose,” Celestia replied with a small yawn as their train creaked and groaned on the journey back to Canterlot.
“Kiss for your thoughts?” he offered, and she took him up on it with a smile.
“For starters, it was a beautiful funeral. I especially liked the eulogy you presented. Your Grandmother lived a remarkable life.”
“Thanks,” Bean said with a small blush.
“The potluck dinner afterwards was quite nice as well, and I am glad that your family enjoyed the cheesy hash browns that Luna and I provided.”
“Did you actually help with those, Luna?” Bean asked, and his sister-in-law smiled sheepishly as she glanced up from her book.
“I did, but I must admit that my assistance was limited to providing the grated cheese. The dish would have been inedible had I tried to prepare it by myself.”
“I really need to give you more cooking lessons,” he muttered with a grin before turning his full attention to his wife. “But I get the feeling you’re not mulling over what happened at the funeral, my love. You seem to be engaged with deeper thoughts.”
“You are getting better at reading me,” Celestia noted with a grin, and she dropped down next to him with a small groan. She took a moment to get comfortable on the cushions, and with a sigh, she wrapped one wing over him, pulled him into a soft snuggle, and then continued. “I really am fine, my love. I just… it is difficult to articulate what I am thinking at the moment.”
“Just spit it out,” Bean offered. “That usually works pretty well for me.”
Celestia gave an amused snort, but she also nodded. “I suppose you are right. Bean, during my life I have attended an innumerable amount of funerals of all types and varieties. I have offered my gratitude to the heroic soldiers who gave their lives to preserve Equestria and her ideals, and I have spoken at length about the grand accomplishments of the scientist and the artist before their peers. I have wept alongside the families of poor ponies as they struggled and came to terms with the untimely death of a child, and I have witnessed the highest degrees of excess when the rich departed this mortal realm. From top to bottom, I have seen death, faced it, and dealt with its aftermath.
“But as we travel home now, I find that your Grandmother’s death has touched a part of my soul that has not stirred in a millennium. Apart from your own ‘death,’ I have not felt this much sorrow at the passing of a pony since the times of Twilight Starbright’s family. Losing Luna to the nightmare was a horrific blow, and the pain came back fourfold as I was forced to watch Twilight, and her children, and her grandchildren all pass before me like dust upon the wind. How I ached as they left me, and how I wished I could have my sister beside me! I had none for company, and as time went on, I regret to say that I was forced to seal my heart off from them. Imagine, for a moment, if you were to take the pain that your grandfather feels right now, multiply that by the dozens of ponies who I could call family, and then multiply that by the never-ending cascade of years I was called to tarry through. It was too much, and though I hated that I had to, I knew I could not continue if I maintained the deep attachments to the ponies in my life like I had before.
“I am worried that, in so doing, I have severed all emotional connection I had with my little ponies. What if I do not care for them like I should? Why have I not been troubled by the death that I have seen until now? How many ponies have suffered in some way because of my apathy?”
“I don’t think you’ve been apathetic,” Bean said slowly as he thought. “I mean, everypony experiences that to some degree. I remember one time, when one of the guys on the track team came in and told us he had to miss one of the meets due to his uncle passing away. I told him how sorry I was, but I didn’t really feel bad about what had happened. I didn’t know his uncle, so I had no emotional response to the event. It was just another pony who had passed, nothing more. I don’t think you’re any different from anypony else, really. You knew Grams, so her death touched you more.”
“Bean speaks the truth, Sister,” Luna added. “Emotional connections take time and effort, and it is simply impossible for anypony to connect to every single pony that ever will be. I know I felt the same way when we would speak of the casualty counts during the wars. I knew the numbers represented real ponies, but they still remained nothing more than numbers. We would have lost many battles if we had thought of them in individual terms, with individual families and individual dreams. It may sound horrible and ugly, but it is the truth. From what I can see, you yet cherish life and value its immeasurable worth. If you did not, Equestria would be very different than it is today.”
Celestia smiled a bit with these words of comfort, and she playfully booped her husband. “I blame you, personally. When we left the funeral, I realized that without you in my life, I would have remained aloof and unaware. If you and Luna believe that I yet retain some feeling and compassion for those whom I lead, then thank Harmony I am not too far gone, and thank Harmony you have brought me back from wherever I was.”
“I don’t think you had to come back at all,” he replied. “You just needed to know that you were here all along.”
“Thank you, dear Bean,” she said with a kiss for him.
* * ✹ * *
“It is a good thing that it was you who married Bean, and not I,” Luna said with a grin as she studied the sleeping prince. “He would never be able to stay awake with me. I swear he checks out as soon as you set the sun.”
“He’s not quite that bad, but you’re not too far off,” Celestia replied, and her wing pulled him in a little closer. “After what he has gone through, he deserves some rest. Are his dreams troubled?”
Luna closed her eyes, and for a brief moment, her horn lit. “No. He is dreaming of your second wedding at the moment. I will keep an eye on him, but I believe his dreams will not be tainted tonight.”
“Good. Hopefully I will be able to join him.”
“I can help with that,” Luna said with a critical glance. “But you are finding slumber to be elusive tonight, are you not?”
“I am.”
“And this because you did not share everything that troubles you with Bean, yes?”
“Bean has learned many of my little nuances, but I can still hide away from him if I try,” Celestia said with a nod and a long exhale. “He will learn them in time, but for now, you remain as the only one who can read me like an open book, with large print and illustrations.”
“Perhaps, but even I have my limits. What ails you, Sister?”
Celestia’s gaze dropped to her beloved, and a frown pulled her entire demeanor down with its arrival. “Lu, how do you do it? How do you go on without Star, day after day, and not be overwhelmed with the grief that you must endure? Every time my mind is allowed a moment of idleness, I find myself dreading the time when my dear Bean will be forced to depart from me. It may be decades away, but still his end must come, be it from natural causes or by some other nefarious means. I don’t think I can go on without him, Sister, and I… well, I’m scared. I am scared of what my life will be without him, and I am scared of losing everything he has brought to me. I don’t want to be without his touch, his kiss, or his perfect serenity. What am I to do when he is taken from me?”
Luna nodded in understanding, and her eyes moved to the slumbering form of Baked Bean. “It will be a most severe challenge when the time comes, Sister, I will not lie. I confess, there are times when I wonder how I manage to go on without my beloved Star, especially after what happened in the human world.
“The trick, I think, is for you to cherish the time that you do have with him, and to let the future tend to itself. You are like a master chess player—you know all of the moves that your opponent will make from beginning to end, and you have a solution to every possible outcome. This ability has served us well, Sister, as it has allowed you to establish the Equestria that we now enjoy back before I was banished, and your foresight will continue to lead us to heights that are now unimaginable.
“The problem is that you are doing that with Bean’s life, and you cannot change an undesirable outcome. You have said yourself that your life has been one of control, and you have almost always been able to manipulate the ends to meet your needs. Yet, when presented with this unique condition known as love, you cannot do what you have always done.
“Celly, let go of that. Cherish the moments you have with him now, savor them like you would an exquisite ten course meal with a rich plum pudding for dessert. It will be difficult, but if you focus on the here and now, you will find you fears suppressed and restrained by the joie de vivre that Bean naturally exudes. Then, when the inevitable comes, you can hold his memory within your heart, and you will never be truly separated from him.”
Celestia pondered Luna’s words for several long and silent moments. Slowly, a smile tugged at her lips, and with a few tears, her wing began to trace small, tender lines across her husband’s back.
“You are right, Sister. I also suppose that I am not alone in my feelings. I am sure my dear Bean would tell me that he does not relish the time when he is forced to leave, if I were to ask him. But I have him, and he has me. For now, that is enough.”
“I would also offer that you will have one thing which I was so foolish as to throw away. Each of you will live on in your children, and your grandchildren, and for every generation that will follow. I doubt that you will tread the path of treachery that I did, so you will be able to retain those relationships and to keep him alive in their hearts as well.”
“That is true, except you are a bit off in your statement. I do believe you have a descendant who would love to hear about her ancient ancestors,” Celestia said with a sly grin, and Luna chuckled.
“Indeed, but I must wait for her to come to me for information. When she found the genealogical connection between us, Twilight Sparkle launched into one of her familiar research sessions, and you know better than anypony else how much she loves her books. Once she has exhausted all of the information they hold regarding the Royal House of Twilight, I will provide her with what I can. That way, she can tell me about the generations that I do not know, and I can tell her of the ones that I do. It is a win-win situation.”
“Have you told Cadence about her descendancy from your Twilight yet?”
“Not yet. Her line is a bit questionable a few hundred years back, and I would like for the connection to be a bit more solid before I inform her. However, I suspect that she suspects, so I doubt it will be much of a surprise.”
“No, wait a minute.” Bean grabbed a few papers from his left and brought the fine print to within an inch of his muzzle. “I swear I signed off on that back on page nine. Or was it page ten?”
“It was page ten, my love,” Celestia offered with a small snicker before studying the unfinished painting before her. “Hmm. I think I need a touch of burnt umber for your mane.”
“Then why am I signing off on it again?”
“You only signed off on the first third of the order. This signature is for the second third.”
“Do I dare ask why it’s divided up into thirds? That doesn’t make any sense. And why is there a fourth third to this?”
Celestia smiled as she mixed two of the paints on her palette into one with a flat blade. “If I ever find out the answer to that, I’ll be sure to tell you.”
Bean leaned back in his chair, drew in a long breath, and cast a wary eye over the mountains of paper that infested his desk. “Are you really sure this is just one day’s worth of work? I get the feeling you kept a few weeks’ worth just so I could get initiated by fire.”
“And what if I did?” Celestia challenged from under half-lidded eyes. “What sort of punishment would you dare to impose upon your beloved Princess for such a heinous crime?”
“I’d probably try to kiss you to death and fail miserably,” he replied with a smirk. “I could never punish you.”
Celestia hummed a warm note to this, and her eyes twinkled with delight. “No, I don’t suppose you ever could, and that makes me happier than you realize.”
“Why should I punish you when I can love you instead?” he quipped as he signed the paper in front of him. “I know friendship is magic and all that, but I would make the argument that your love is more magical than even that.”
“You are a shameless flirt,” Celestia replied with a small grin, “and I hope you never stop.”
“No worries there,” he replied as he pulled another document in front of him and began to read.
“Burnt umber, Celly?” a familiar and slightly chaotic voice asked from nowhere, and with a flash of light, a bucket of Duck Buoy’s Royal Plaid paint⁽*⁾ appeared by her side. “I hate to question a master, but I should think that plaid would be a far more vibrant option for Bean-o’s portrait. Here, I can even give you a template to work with,” he offered with a loud snap.
(*) For all your pony-painting needs, both large and small. Ask about our country-wide size, to give your subjects a new view on life. When shopping for paint, don’t forget Duck Buoy’s, the sponsor of this show. —
“Hey, stop that!” Bean tried to twist away from the oversized roller brushes as they applied a layer of tartan to his coat, but they were relentless and fast. “Gah! Not there! I’m ticklish there!”
“Interesting.” Celestia scrutinized Bean’s new plaid coloration as Discord slithered out of a rip in the fabric of reality and produced an easel and a fresh canvas next to hers. “But you need to take into consideration the setting and the lighting. I selected burnt umber because my Bean’s mane takes on a reddish hue in the twilight of the day, and I have him here in repose during the early evening hours.”
“I bet you have him in repose.” Discord waggled one eyebrow with a sly grin as an afro wig appeared on his head. “But really. Perhaps you should consider some phthalo blue? It could be the beginnings of your postmodernist interpretation of epistemological nihilism, all wrapped up in a bright yellow package.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you Discord?” Bean said as he tried to rub away the paint from one foreleg.
“Not a clue, but that’s not why I’m here.” Discord slathered the head of a mop in a bucket of forest green and then applied it to his own canvas. “You’ve missed your last four tea dates with Fluttershy and me, Bean-o, and that’s very unprofessional of you. You did say you would attend the next umpteenth tea dates, and we’re only to teenth, at best.”
“And you said you’d keep an eye on Starlight,” Bean countered, and with a shrug, he gave up on removing his new look. “Besides, I thought I told you that my physical therapy is on Tuesdays. I’ve enjoyed having tea with you—really, I have—but I’ve got to get my leg healed up. I don’t want to be hobbling around for the rest of my life.”
“I suppose that is rather important,” Discord grumbled. “But what am I going to do without your tea cakes and scones, Bean? Even Fluttershy was telling me that she would trade at least three of her friends for the recipe for those blueberry muffins you made for our last get-together.”
“She would?” Bean paused and smirked. “Let’s see. Tell her I’ll take Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack. If she throws in Rainbow Dash, I’ll include the directions for the spiced cider I plan on making after the Running of the Leaves.”
“Not Pinkie Pie?” Discord gasped. “Bean! You surprise me. You’ve been a Prince for less than a year and already you’re trying to form a harem. For shame, Bean-o. That’s for the other story.”
“Yeah, well, I’m just full of surprises,” Bean mumbled around the steel-tipped wooden quill in his mouth. “Celly, you’re okay with the date for the Running of the Leaves, right?”
“Yes. It’s held on the same second Saturday every year, so I’m not quite sure why the committee keeps asking for approval to hold it then.”
“Follow up question, if I may: I have a hard time believing that there are enough runners here in Canterlot. Most of the nobility that I’ve met would never stoop to such a horrible, sweat-inducing activity.”
Celestia nodded as she tapped her canvas with a fine tipped brush. “I am afraid that the event is inaccurately named. It would be called The Picking of the Leaves based on what actually happens, but the Running of the Leaves is older than Canterlot is. The name carried over from the various villages when ponies began to settle here.”
“It was far more interesting when I was in charge,” Discord said as he sat next to Bean, produced a pair of bifocals, and scrutinized one of the documents before the Prince. “In Celestia’s Equestria, you knock the leaves out of the trees, but in my Equestria, the trees knocked the leaves out of you. It was so much fun, I was going to proclaim a Leaf Running on every Friday, but then Celly and Luna had to show up with their stoner act and ruin everything.”
“Gee, I wonder why they stopped you,” Bean deadpanned.
“Oh, some complaint about it hurting the little ponies. I suppose they had a point, but we could have talked it over.” Discord flipped the page he was looking at, glanced at the words, then flipped it back over. “Bean-o, I think you have an infestation going on. These papers are beginning to multiply and mutate.”
“That would explain a lot of things.”
“No, seriously. This one isn’t a law, or even an ordinance.”
Bean glanced over at the page in Discord’s paw. “Oh. That’s the first page of my novel, Discord. I was hoping to work on it a bit more once I get done with all of this.”
“You’re still working on that?” Discord asked. “I thought you had it finished and published months ago.”
Bean frowned. “Hey, cut me a little slack. I’ve been a little busy and a little foalnapped lately.”
“That’s no excuse, Bean-o. You’ve been working on this for a couple of years now.”
“No I haven’t,” Bean countered. “I didn’t even know I wanted to be a writer until earlier this year.”
“What?” Discord scoffed. “No way. I swear you’ve been writing for at least two years now.”
“My dear Bean is right, Discord,” Celestia chimed in. “He began writing this novel shortly after our marriage a few months ago.”
“Huh.” Discord pulled out a calendar, which promptly began dropping pages until the floor was ankle-deep in dates. “Seems like it’s been a lot longer.”
“With everything I’ve been through, it does feel like it,” Bean admitted. “Honestly, I’ve had enough excitement for at least two lifetimes already, so I hope things will remain calm for a while.”
“Bean-o, if I were you, I would expect a lot more excitement,” Discord said as he began to read the next page of Bean’s story. “Being married to Celestia practically guarantees that you’re going to be living la vida loca for quite some time to come.”
Bean glanced up to his wife, smiled, and blew her a kiss when she smiled back. “I think I can get used to that.”
“Say, I have an idea,” Discord offered as he removed his bifocals and fed them to his afro, which yipped in delight over the treat. “Why don’t we have Fluttershy come here, and we can have a make-up tea date?”
“You know, if you want my scones you can just say so,” Bean replied with a smirk.
“I’ll have you know that this has only something to do with those deliciously divine sugar discs you create,” Discord replied. “I am far more concerned with your mental health. You need to take a break and relax! All of this busywork can wait.” He prodded a lion-claw at Celestia and whispered loudly, “She’s contagious that way, you know.”
Bean moved the paper he’d just signed up to the top of a pile, and he drew in another long breath with an equally long look over the sea of parchment before him. “I do have to admit that a break would be nice. What do you think, Celly?”
A hoof went to Celestia’s stomach, and a smile came with her words. “I do believe a small reprieve would be ideal. I am feeling a bit peckish, and I think a few of your scones would make Epiphany happy as well.”
“That settles it, then,” Bean said, and Discord squealed in delight. “I’ll head down to the kitchen and get to work. Shouldn’t take very long.”
“Wonderful!” Discord cheered as he snagged Bean and gave him a hug. “No time to waste! I can just taste them now!”
There was a bright flash of light, and the two were gone. Celestia chuckled a bit as her magic began to put her painting supplies away, but the hoof on her stomach began to rub in small circles.
“I hope he took that plaid paint off; I prefer my Bean in his natural colors. I wonder if you’ll call him Uncle Discord. I imagine he would enjoy that. C’mon, my little Nilla. We should see if Wysteria and Junior would like to join us.”
* * ✹ * *
“Good afternoon, Your Highness,” Fluttershy offered with a deep bow and a small smile. “It’s very nice to see you again.”
“Good afternoon to you too, Fluttershy,” Celestia replied. “I do hope Discord didn’t pull you away from something important.”
“Oh, no. I was just going to meet Rarity for our spa date, but that can wait.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to interrupt what you already had planned.”
“It’s okay,” Fluttershy said to her hooves. “I know Discord has wanted to have tea with Prince Bean for a couple of weeks, and he even paid for Rarity to get the extra strength, hot stone deep tissue massage. She looked kinda comfortable with Bulk Biceps when I left, so I’m sure everything will be fine.”
“Well, if you’re sure,” Celestia replied with a bit of wariness in her voice. “Everything is already set up in the dining room. I took the liberty of inviting a few extra guests, if that’s all right.”
“Of course, Princess. You can invite anypony you like.”
Celestia smiled warmly, her magic pushed the doors to the dining room open, and both of them were then enveloped in a huge Discord hug.
“Fluttershy, my dear!” he proclaimed. “So good of you to come! I was worried you wouldn’t be able to make it.”
“Um, you brought me here,” Fluttershy pointed out, but her statement went unheeded by the draconequus.
“And Celestia! How is our little seal in there doing? I do hope that you will let little Nilla learn about chaos theory from the unquestioned expert on the matter. A well-rounded education is essential for any young student of yours, and doubly so for your own flesh and blood.”
“I will consider the matter, but I can’t promise anything at the moment,” Celestia replied as Discord put them both down.
The conversation was interrupted by Wysteria’s familiar quiet regurgitation act, and a groan came as she finished feeding Missus Ficus for the third time that day. Fluttershy and Celestia both moved to her side, but when questioned about her illness, Wysteria weakly waved them away with a hoof and a half-smile.
“Honestly, I think some deerjeerling would help settle my stomach at the moment,” Wysteria said while trying to suppress an encore performance. “I’ve been a wreck ever since this morning.”
“Did something happen with Doctor Horsenpfeffer?” Celestia asked with her concern coating every word.
“I guess you could phrase it that way. We found out why my pregnancy symptoms are so horrible.”
“Because you’re pregnant?” Discord quipped.
Wysteria shot him a death glare before continuing. “I’m pregnant pregnant. Turns out the Inkwell Curse has struck again. I’m having twins.”
The overjoyed squeal that came from the two mares ripped Discord’s ears from his head and sent them flying across the room. Half a moment later, Bean burst in from the kitchens, a dripping whisk in his hoof raised and ready for anything, but he relaxed when he saw Wysteria wrapped up in a three-way hug and surrounded by joyful smiles.
“This is wonderful news!” Celestia proclaimed. “Have you told Quillpoint yet?”
“I did before I came here. I think he’s just outside, trying to process exactly what I said.”
“That explains the vacant stare and the twitching eye,” Discord said as he pulled his head back through the solid wall. “Have you told anypony else?”
“My parents and my sister, but nopony else. I’ve been too queasy to do much else today.”
“Well, we should share the good news immediately!” Discord snapped his talon, and with another flash, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence appeared in the dining room, their lips locked firmly together and oblivious to the change in their surroundings.
Cadence was the first to notice the sudden change in location, after a few moments of pleased pony noises, and she had to place a hoof on her husband’s chest to push herself free from his tongue tango. The two quickly stammered a greeting, but Shining’s grin remained set at pleased while Cadence asked about the unexpected summons.
“Haven’t you heard the good news yet?” Discord swept Wysteria up into a hug, which turned her face green and send her glasses flying. “We’re having twins! Isn’t that just delightful?”
“You’re having twins?” asked Cadence with a puzzled expression that rapidly turned into wide-eyed joy with an excited squeal. “Wysteria’s having twins! That’s wonderful!”
“And you’re going to have an unpleasant mess all over you unless you put me down right now!” Wysteria managed through gritted teeth.
“Wysteria, I’m so happy for you!” Cadence offered as she sidestepped and allowed the secretary to make her way back to Missus Ficus. “I don’t know if the Crystal Empire has ever had a dual Crystalling! Shiny, we’ll have to find out how to do that as soon as we get back.”
“I’m sure Amethyst Maresbury will be able to get us the information,” Shining replied. “But couldn’t you have just sent us a scroll? Cadence and I were just on our way to a—” he cleared his throat “—very important meeting.”
“I’m sure you were,” Discord replied with a waggle of his eyebrows. He then donned a derby hat, handlebar moustache, and monocle before adding “but I thought it would be simply smashing if you and the Princess could join us for a spot of tea. It’s been simply ages since His Most Royal Beanness has joined Fluttershy and myself in this simple indulgence, and I felt that inviting a few colleagues over would be quite splendid.”
Shining glanced to Cadence, and she shrugged with a small smile. “Oh, I suppose we could join you, but not for very long. Despite what you saw earlier, Shining and I really do have several important meetings we need to attend this afternoon.”
“I suppose we should get to it, then,” Discord said with a wave of a paw to the empty seats. “This way, please. The good Prince Bean should be done with the refreshments momentarily.”
“Wait! They’re not done yet!” Bean shouted as a tray of scones floated out of the kitchen and towards the table. “Tea first, tea first!”
“Oh, fine,” Discord grumbled while Bean grabbed the tray and rushed his creation back into the depths of his workshop. “I suppose we could enjoy some tea first.”
As if on cue, Celestia’s personal tea set then marched out of the kitchen and towards the table, led in a crisp double-time by a spoon-wielding sugar bowl and kept in formation by the flanking flatware. The entire troop somehow managed to salute to Celestia before arranging itself in the proper positions, but the teapot needed a sharp stab from the sugar to motivate it into filling the porcelain cups.
“There, now. Isn’t this quaint?” Discord asked. “I do so enjoy sharing tea with my friends.”
“This is nice,” Fluttershy softly said in agreement. “I don’t think I’ve ever had tea at the palace before.”
“If you would like, we can make arrangements to have tea here on occasion,” Celestia offered. “Having you and Discord is a delight,” she hesitated as she watched the sugar bowl add a spoonful of the granulated goodness it held within itself to her cup, “if not a bit more lively than what we usually experience. Oh, that’s enough sugar, thank you.”
“Here we go!” Bean announced as he emerged from the kitchens, a fresh layer of honey glaze atop his prepared scones. “Have as many as you like; I can easily cook up more if needed.”
There were a few moments of chatter as the treats and the sugar bowl made their way around the table, and most of it was centered on the delicious food that Bean had provided.
“Ah, these are easy,” he scoffed with an ill-hidden grin for the praise. “Next time I’ll add some raisins and raspberries. Those really bring out the flavor.”
“Shiny, we should serve a batch of these when that delegation from Trottingham comes next week,” Cadence said. “I bet they’d love them. Any chance we can borrow Bean?”
“Hey!” protested Shining Armor. “No stealing another alicorn’s husband!”
“My recipe book is at Your Highness’ disposal,” said Bean through his snickering. “My heart, however, will forever belong to another.”
“Wysteria, would you mind if I told my friends about your twins?” Fluttershy asked.
“Sure, though Raven may have beat you to the punch.”
“How did you go so long without knowing about the other one?” Shining asked. “It seems like the twins should have been found sooner.”
“Horsenpfeffer said I have one very outgoing foal and one very shy one,” Wysteria replied as she held her teacup to her nose and savoured the steamy aroma. “The little turkey was hiding behind the other one. Their heartbeats are strong enough now to hear them individually.”
“Do you think you’ll have more after this?”
“I hadn’t really thought about it,” Wysteria replied with a smile. “If I wasn’t so nauseous all the time, I’d be willing to talk to Quill about having a third.” She paused and winced. “Or a third and fourth. I suppose I’ll just have to survive this pregnancy first, and then I’ll figure it out.”
“Does your sister have any foals?”
Cadence gave her husband a curious glance, but he missed the look entirely. She then mouthed “he’s never asked questions like this before!” to Celestia and Bean as Wysteria answered.
“No, not yet. From what she tells me, the pickings are slim in Ponyville, but she also keeps mentioning a nice young stallion who’s caught her eye. If my glorious tales of seeing my lunch from both ends doesn’t turn her off to the idea, I would put some bits down on her starting a family here in short order.”
“WHEN, WHEN!” Discord bellowed. “Blast it all, when!”
The sugar bowl suddenly beat a hasty retreat, and Discord muttered something threatening but unintelligible as he brushed the small mountain of sugar out of his teacup, off the table, and into Cadence’s cup.
“Insolent piece of crockery,” he grumbled. “You really need to train your staff better here, Celestia.”
“I’ll schedule a staff meeting to handle the matter immediately,” she replied. “Though I do believe it is his first day on the job, so you should be a little more patient.”
“Fluttershy, may I ask you a crazy question?” Shining pressed on, unfazed in the slightest by the interruption.
“Oh. Well, I guess you could, Your Highness. What is it?”
“Have you ever thought about having foals of your own? I mean, you’re around all of those animals all day—cute animals, don’t get me wrong—and I’m sure they have babies of their own all the time. Has that ever,” he hesitated for a moment, “y’know, made you think of having one? Foal, I mean. Not a baby animal.”
Fluttershy’s blush burned brightly on her cheeks, and her gaze went to the tea in her cup. “Oh, I’ve thought about it once or twice, I guess. It’s hard not to think about foals when I’m taking care of those precious little lambs, or the adorable bunny kits. I don’t think I’m ready to have any foals of my own yet,” her eyes lifted from the cup and settled on Discord, “but when I find the one who was meant for me, just like Prince Bean and Princess Celestia, then I think I’ll want six or seven.”
The gentle and knowing smile that Fluttershy then gave to Discord nearly made him shoot tea out of his nose, but he somehow managed to stifle the unwanted action with a wierd, gagging-honking sort of noise that ended with tea dribbling out of his nostrils.
“Say, looks like we’re all out of scones,” Bean said, and he quickly grabbed the platter that had been holding his creations. “Shining, why don’t you help me make s’more? I can ask Chef Beet to get another batch going, too.”
Shining glanced to Cadence with some confusion, but she nodded and gestured with her head for him to follow Bean. “Make sure you get the biggest one for me, dear.”
“Um, sure. We’ll be right back.”
Celestia gave Bean a knowing smile as they stepped away from the table, and Bean was kind enough to hold the door for the Prince of the Crystal Empire. Once in the kitchen, the two of them walked towards the back corner that had been designated as Bean’s personal cooking space, and the Celestial Prince began to gather his needed ingredients.
“All right. Am I really that obvious?” Shining asked.
“What?” Bean asked with a smirk as he grabbed a large bag of sugar. “I have no idea why you would want to talk about having a foal of your own.”
“You have officially been hanging around Celestia too long,” Shining said with an amused snort. “It’s bad enough that every alicorn I know can read me like an open book, but it’s a bit disconcerting to think that you can, too.”
Bean scoffed at that. “Join the club. You knew that I felt overwhelmed and inadequate as soon as you met me. Celestia and Luna have always known how I feel, and Cadence has been pretty spot on so far, too. I bet your sister could pin down my emotions too, once she had a chance to confirm her findings with Starswirl’s Complete Guide to Pony Body Language or whatever.”
“Don’t tempt her.” Shining chuckled.
“So do you want to talk about it?” Bean asked as he began to measure out flour into a large mixing bowl.
Shining rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, I’d like to. I just… I don’t know how to start.”
“Do you want to have one?”
It took a few moments, but Shining eventually nodded. “Yes. Mostly. I don’t know. But, yes. Look, it’s a huge step, and there isn’t just one answer,” he managed. “The little things all add up into big things, and the big things are huge! I mean we’re talking about another princess of Equestria, even if she isn’t an alicorn. Or a filly,” he added with a bit of well-suppressed hope. “I can handle diapers and feeding schedules and all that other stuff. It’s just... another one of us, made from both of us. I don’t think I can be a prince and husband and a father and the Captain of the Crystal Guard all at the same time. I may have to nominate somepony else to be Captain while I... adjust.”
“Would you have to resign?” Bean asked.
“No, there’s nothing that would force me to, other than my own feelings. In fact, most of the guards have families of their own. It’s just a lot to do, and to take care of.”
“It is,” Bean agreed as he added several large spoonfuls of sugar to his bowl. “Celly even wanted to hire a governess for Epiphany.”
“I hadn’t thought of that.” Shining rubbed his chin with a hoof. “A governess could take care of appointments and lessons, but I’m not sure that I like that idea.”
“That’s what I said. In the end, we decided to try to make do without one. I know that means I’m going to be playing peek-a-boo with Nilla while Celestia hears petitions during Day Court, but I want my daughter’s memories to be of me and my wife, not of someone who was paid to look after her.”
“Yeah. I don’t think Twily or I would have turned out the way we did if my parents hadn’t been there for us.” Shining paused, but then after a moment, he drew in a deep breath. “Bean, how do you know you’re ready? What made you say ‘I want to be a father?’”
“Well, that’s just it. I’m not ready,” Bean replied as he slowly added milk and an egg to his mix. “I can think of a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t be a father yet.”
“Really?” Shining hesitated, but then added “So, was this pregnancy an accident, then?”
“A planned, intentional, organized and discussed in great detail, sort-of accidental on purpose,” Bean replied. “Celly and I had talked about having a foal before I was abducted, and we had agreed that we wanted to have one. I think the only accidental part was that we weren’t expecting one so soon. I thought it was going to take a bit longer to get her twelve-hundred-year-old factory back up to full operational capacity, y’know? Clear out the cobwebs, lubricate the gears, that kind of stuff.”
“That’s one way to describe it,” Shining said with a laugh.
Bean nodded and chuckled. “Horsenpfeffer later told me that the factory was never idle to begin with. But when did I know I wanted to be a father? I think I realized that happened after I ran into Sego Lily for the second time. Celestia asked me if I still thought about what could have been, and I was able to tell her that I did not without any hesitation. Celestia was my wife, and I realized then that all of my doubts about my relationship with her had been destroyed and swept away by the love I felt. I knew I loved her then, and I wanted to experience everything with her, no matter how extravagant or mundane. It was that night that I knew I would be a father to her children, in time.
“I think it’s a bit like diving into catering some gigantic occasion, like a wedding or something. You’re never going to be able to cover every possible problem, so you’ve gotta be flexible and adapt to last-minute changes. If my parents had walked away every time a job went sideways on them, they’d have gone out of business a long time ago. It’s the same thing with life, really. If you get stuck on the details, you might miss your opportunity.”
“I suppose so,” Shining said. For a moment, Bean whisked the batter and thought over his next words, but once he was satisfied with them, he grinned slightly.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’d be an awesome dad. You’re dedicated, you’re kind, and you would do anything to keep Cadence and the crystal ponies safe. Trust yourself and your abilities. You’ll do great.”
“Cady sounds just like you.” Shining sighed and rolled his shoulders. “I dunno. It’s really easy to let my concerns make the decision for me.”
“And you should listen to them,” Bean offered. “Hand me that rolling pin right there, would you? Thanks. You don’t just want to rush into the decision, either. That’ll cause a whole heap of problems, too. Honestly, I think you’ll know when you’re ready to be a dad. Just give it a bit of time, and share your feelings with Cadence. It’s obvious she wants to help you with your feelings, just like you want to help her. Work together, and you’ll get the answer you both need.”
“You know I’m supposed to help you figure things out, right?” Shining chuckled. “I’ve been a prince longer than you have.”
“Oh, you’ve been an immense help,” Bean said with a warm smile. “And since you bring it up, I have a question.”
Shining perked up, and he stood just a bit straighter. “Whatcha got?”
“Who in their right mind decided that summary orders had to be signed off in thirds?” Bean exclaimed. “And how is it possible for there to be a fourth third?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” Shining said with a scoff. “For starters, there’s nopony throughout the whole bureaucracy in their right mind. You see...”
* * ✹ * *
Queen Chrysalis, the feared monarch of the Changeling Hive and Queen of All She Surveyed, drew in a heavy breath as her eyes slowly wandered over her throne room. At the moment, the cavernous space was devoid of drones, and that condition mirrored the bleak void that had taken up residence in the center of her chest.
Life had become dark and dreary for the ruler of Lovey Dovey Smoochy Land. Day by day, hour by hour, Chrysalis found the miasma of depression slowly taking over her life, sucking the joy and delight out of her activities in a way that was ironically similar to how Changelings consumed the emotions of others. There was no delight in punting a drone down a hallway anymore, no amusement in threatening overtime in the larva pits for those whom she wanted to torture for fun. Even her trademark sarcasm and snark had been suppressed, crushed by the weight of emotionless monosyllabic answers that merely allowed the hive to function.
Oftentimes, she wouldn’t even deign to speak. A simple wave of a hoof would convey her uninspired answer to a drone’s questions, and in the sounds of silence that followed, the cold emptiness would send a shiver of fear throughout her entire body.
Her wings twitched as one of those chilling stabs of barren nihility flooded her senses, and she drew in another heavy breath. Not even the thought of revenge against Celestia’s Bean could motivate her into action, despite the humiliations the pest had brought to her. All she wanted to do was sleep.
Sleep, and cry.
Her eyes slowly settled on the crossword puzzle book that sat at the base of her throne. The only relief from her depression had come from the precious puzzles contained in the book, but Chrysalis feared that the little bit of light that they provided would soon be smothered.
But for now it still worked. Her sickly green magic brought the book up and summoned a pencil, and with bared teeth at the challenge, the changeling queen began to work.
“Let me see. One across: ‘courteous and gallant, especially towards mares.’” Chrysalis’ pencil spelled out chivalrous in the boxes. “Just like my Hokey. Hmm. ‘Feeling or expressing deep affection, love, or admiration.’ That would be adoring, I suppose.”
The queen’s grin faltered as she read the next clue. “Relating to or involving gratification of the senses and physical or sexual pleasure.” She quickly wrote in sensual and moved on to the next clue. “Expressing feelings of gratitude, pleasure, or approval in an unrestrained or heartfelt manner. Hmpf, that would be effusive.”
The grin disappeared completely as Chrysalis found the next answer to be fulsome, and the one after that to be monogamy. This book was pushing its luck and her patience.
Devotion was next, followed by fidelity, and Chrysalis grunted. She was beginning to feel one of her more familiar emotions, but if this book was one of her minions, it would know that its life expectancy was rapidly diminishing because of it.
“Fondness,” Chrysalis’ growl pitched up to a screech as she continued. “Kissing. Snuggles, Wing hug, Nuzzling! Intimacy!”
The paperback book spontaneously combusted at that point, leaving a pile of ash in the lap of the fuming Queen. Even her beloved crosswords had turned against her! No matter where she ran, or what she did, that thrice-cursed Hokey Pokey invaded her every waking moment, turning her life into a living nightmare that she could not rouse herself from.
This was ridiculous. Who was the Queen of the Changelings, after all? She was the most powerful creature in Equestria⁽*⁾, the most beautiful and the most wise. She had laid Celestia low twice, after all, once at Cadence’s wedding and then again when she chased the Sun Princess through the wreckage of her castle, blasting her at every opportunity⁽¹⁾. In both cases, she had been betrayed by circumstances⁽²⁾, and no mere slip of a Royal Guard could stand before her might! ⁽*⁾In her opinion. ⁽¹⁾As she preferred to remember. ⁽²⁾And minions, and many other things outside of her control. —
A small sneeze cut through her silent rage, and Chrysalis snorted as her eyes snapped to the source. A tiny hatchling had somehow toddled into the throne room, and the grub had the audacity to glance around the cavernous throne room of its Queen with wide-eyed wonder and a touch of delight.
“What are you doing in here?” Chrysalis whispered in a barely restrained rage. “I gave explicit orders that I was not to be disturbed.”
The ignorant infant turned at the sound of Chrysalis’ voice, and all of the Queen’s rage melted away when those large, trusting eyes connected with the Queen. A swell of love surged out of Chrysalis’ empty core, and for the briefest of moments, she imagined herself as the one who could provide the care and nurturing that this bug would need.
Yes, she could just see it now. She, the beautifully resplendent Queen, would sweep into the very center of that miserable pony stronghold known as Canterlot undetected. She would steal… er, liberate her one and only Hokey Pokey from the legions of guards that would dare to oppose her, and they would be mated as soon as her hooves hit the hive once more. A momentary thought made Chrysalis frown, and consider her relative lack of experience in that regard.
“I wonder just when I’m supposed to bite his head off,” she mused. “Well, that will wait.”
There would be dozens of little grubs, too. Wonderful grubs who would be endowed with the power of ponies and the natural grace and charms of the changelings. The vigor of these hybrids would render her and her hive unstoppable.
It was all there, right for the taking. All she would need was—
“MANDIBLE!” she bellowed as she scooped the tinyling up and tickled a laugh out of it with a belly rub. “GET IN HERE!”
A loud thump came from the other side of the throne room doors, followed by a series of scuffling scrapes that sounded like somebuggy was pushing Mandible into the room against his will. For a few moments, the bug in question tried to stop the inevitable by throwing all four legs against the doorframe and screaming something about how Chrysalis was going to skewer him alive with a toothpick, but the combined effort of three other bugs finally managed to shove him into the room.
“Y-you bellowed, Your Majesty?” Mandible stammered from somewhere within the fetal position he’d taken.
“I’m going out,” Chrysalis replied as she gently booped the larva’s nose. “When I’ll be back is not your concern. If anything goes wrong in the meantime, I will hold you accountable for it. Do I need to elaborate on that?”
Mandible whimpered a bit and twitched, clearly remembering the last disciplinary session he’d been subjected to with his Queen. “No, Your Majesty. Your implications are quite clear.”
“Good. Take care of this little one, too,” she added. “It would be quite unfortunate if I return to find that she has been neglected in any way.”
“I’ll make sure she is taken care of,” Mandible said, and he uncurled just enough to take the toddler from his Queen.
“Good.” Chrysalis licked her lips, and for the first time in weeks, a delighted grin crossed her features. “Hang on, my sweet Hokey. This time, nothing shall keep us apart.”
* * ✹ * *
Many miles away, in the Canterlot barracks, Sergeant Hokey Pokey got out of bed and shuffled over to the window, giving it an extra push and rattling the latch. He could have sworn there had been a cold gust of wind across his bed a short while ago, but it must have just been his imagination.
The Ponyville Day Spa was, by any objective measurement, one of the greatest locations in the whole of Equestria.
Or, at least it could be argued that it was. Though it looked somewhat plain and small at first glance from the outside, it was a poorly kept secret that the greatest masseuses in the world worked within those walls. Every detail was attended to with precision and elegance, and the treatments simply could not be compared to any other. If a pony wanted the ultimate in pampering, then there was no other choice.
So it was no surprise that Princess Twilight Sparkle had chosen the Day Spa when asked by her former teacher to arrange for a “Day of Royal Pampering and Relaxation,” capital letters and all. Aloe and Lotus, the owners and proprietors of the spa, were more than happy to take the full-day reservation request, and every employee had been called in to ensure that the day for the visiting dignitaries would be perfect.
There was no doubt that it could be anything less.
At precisely five minutes to nine, Twilight stood just outside the main door, waiting eagerly for the royal delegation to arrive. She was always eager to spend time with her mentor, and the young alicorn had a checklist of things ready to talk about. Oh, and enjoy being pampered by the spa ponies.
But mostly the talking.
Of course, Celestia was only one of the ponies that Twilight wanted to spend time with. Her grin went from ear to ear as she caught sight of a golden carriage descending out of the clouds towards them, and she began to prance in place on tiphoof while the vehicle landed and stopped right in front of her.
“Cadence!” Twilight called out in joy. “You made it!”
“Twilight!” Cadence called back, and with one effortless leap, she cleared the carriage and landed right in front of her fellow princess.
“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake!” they sang together with their familiar dance. “Clap your hooves and do a little shake!”
The two giggled in delight while the younger alicorn turned to her mentor. “Princess Celestia! It’s so good to see you again.”
“Ah, Twilight!” Celestia greeted the young Princess with a friendly hug and a warm smile. “It’s good to see you, too. Thank you for taking the time to arrange everything for me. I’m afraid things have been rather chaotic at the palace as of late, and I can’t even properly blame Discord for it.”
“It’s my pleasure, Princess,” Twilight replied with a grin. “I reserved the spa for the entire day, so we can take as long as we want to. Aloe and Lotus will take care of everything we need.”
“Wonderful! I’m looking forward to a nice hot soak, personally. Is everypony else here?”
“Luna and Duchess Lima just got here a few minutes ago. I think they’re in the steam room now. I haven’t seen Wysteria yet; did she come with you?”
“No, I’m afraid she didn’t. She said she had a few things to take care of before she came, but I was under the impression that it would only take her a few minutes to tend to them. I do hope she’s okay.”
“Should I go find her?” Cadence offered.
“No, not yet. I’m sure she’ll be along shortly. Now, I have heard from several reliable sources that the seaweed wrap here is perfect for relieving acne, and I have been having a bit of an outbreak over the past two days. Shall we join the others?”
“You’ve been having an acne problem?” Twilight asked while her magic opened the door for her fellow princesses.
“Yes, but Doctor Horsenpfeffer assures me it is a normal side effect of my pregnancy,” Celestia offered with a small grin. “Between you and me, I was a bit excited when I found the first pimple. I have not had a problem with my complexion for quite some time.”
Twilight’s confusion showed on her face. “Why is that so wonderful? I hate pimples.”
“Oh, there is nothing about them that is pleasant, I admit. But I did rather enjoy Bean’s playful teasing when I told him about it. He questioned if my voice was going to change, and I pouted most furiously when he said he hoped I would finally grow into my legs.”
Twilight, Cadence and Celestia shared a giggle, but were interrupted by a loud belching noise from behind. Another snort of amusement snuck out of Twilight when they found Wysteria entering the lobby with Trixie dragging behind her with a groan and one hoof on her stomach.
“Trixie is really regretting her life choices right now. Why am I the one that has to receive all of the messages, again?”
“You heard the Doctor. I have to take it easy with my twins, or else she’ll have to put me on bedrest. Since the princess needs to keep her magic useage to a minimum for now, the task of receiving messages falls to you.”
Trixie’s reply was interrupted by another loud belch and the magical delivery of yet another letter, which was promptly snagged by the increasingly rotund secretary. “Ugh. Sparkle, pass along my condolences to your pet dragon. I don’t know how he puts up with this.”
“He’s not my pet,” Twilight replied with a growl. “He’s my number one assistant.”
“Whatever.”
“This one can wait,” Wysteria handed the scroll back to her assistant, then drew in a deep, cleansing breath. “I am so ready for a nice hooficure and a long mud bath. Do they have anypony here who does deep tissue massages?”
Twilight snickered and nodded. “I’m pretty sure that can be arranged. Right this way, everypony. Our day of relaxation awaits.”
* * ✹ * *
“Ah, Sister!” Luna called out as the tardy ponies entered the sauna. “I was beginning to worry. Come, join us! Duchess Lima and I are having a most wonderful conversation regarding complex carbohydrates.”
“Hello, Duchess!” Celestia greeted, and Lima nodded with a bit of a blush as Wysteria, Twilight and Cadence offered a quick welcome to her while they sat. “I’m glad you were able to make it today.”
“Thank you for inviting me, Princess,” Lima replied. “I don’t remember the last time I had a chance to be pampered.”
“It is our pleasure to have you,” the Princess replied with a long sigh as she slowly reclined on the bench. “Ooh, this feels wonderful. How are things going at the Zuerst?”
“Things are going well, overall. We have seen a small dip in our customer count, but Garbanzo and I still stay busy every night. Other than that, there’s not much for me to report on, unless you want me to bore you with the details of our fight with the bread supplier.”
“What are they doing?” Cadence asked, the relaxing waves of steam piling up around them.
“It’s nothing too serious,” Lima said with a scoff. “They just seem to have a problem with providing our full order. They’re always short a bag of wheat rolls, or a few loaves of pumpernickel bread, or what have you. Garbanzo is talking to a few other bakers in town, so the problem will be resolved one way or another. Really, it’s not a big deal, especially compared to what you deal with as Princess of the Crystal Empire.”
“All the same, let me know if you need some royal back-up on that,” Cadence said. “I’ve already dealt with a few unscrupulous vendors who think they can pull a fast one on the crystal ponies, since they’ve been gone for so long.”
Lima thought the offer over with a devious grin. “I may just take you up on that offer, Your Highness. I can only imagine what Rye would say if you showed up and asked for an accounting.”
“How is Pole doing?” Celestia asked with a small wince, and Lima’s ears drooped slightly.
“Oh, Dad is doing as well as can be expected. He and Sieva are looking at some active retirement communities in Salt Lick at the moment, and once they find one he likes, they’ll both move back.”
“What will happen to your father’s restaurant in Las Pegasus?” Luna asked.
“He’s already sold it to his general manager. Mom and Dad were going to sell it anyway; they were getting tired of the details and the regulations that come with running a restaurant, so we offered to have them come work at the Zuerst. Once they get settled in, Dad and Sieva will be with us, so he’ll have all of the Beans keeping an eye on him. He’ll also be able to visit Mom whenever he wants to this way.”
Luna nodded with a sad smile. “I am pleased to hear he will be with his family during this difficult time. My own fall came because I shut out those who loved me, and I do not wish for anypony to suffer as I did to any degree.”
“Forgive me, Princess, but I thought you became Nightmare Moon because of your jealousy,” Lima said.
“And this is true, but it is more complex than just that. I betrayed my sister because I thought the ponies of Equestria only loved her and her day, but my dear Star Struck and my Twilight Starbright both tried to steer me away from that. They warned me, they pleaded with me not to allow the perceived slights to destroy the love I had for Celestia. But when Star died, I became even colder and more distant.” Luna snorted, and her gaze went to the floor. “In the anguish of that loss, I shut out my daughter. She reminded me too much of him, and her words of caution became spiteful reminders of what I no longer had. Hearing her voice only fueled my rage at the injustice of losing my husband, and that made it all the easier for me to be furious at all of the other injustices I perceived. I fell because I shunned my friends and my family, but it is not a mistake I will ever make again.”
Celestia gave her sister a curious and worried look. There was a glint in Luna’s eye, one that the elder sister had seen in ponies who were ‘up to something,’ as the saying went. However, before she could ask, Luna began to speak again.
“But enough of my sinful deeds. We are here to enjoy ourselves, and the tale of my past is one best left for another time. What is next on the agenda for today, Twilight Sparkle?”
“I ordered a facial treatment and mud baths next,” Twilight said with glee. “Aloe has an amazing cream that really refreshes the skin and opens up clogged pores.”
“Excellent! Perhaps that will take care of that red baseball that has taken up residence on my sister’s left cheek.”
“What?” Celestia gasped slightly and put a hoof to said cheek. “Bean said it was just a little pimple. How’d it get so big?”
“I was not referring to the cheeks of your face, Sister.”
* * ✹ * *
“So, what is Baked doing while you’re here with us, Celestia?” Lima asked.
“He’s with Shining Armor and Spike at Twilight’s castle,” the Princess replied while Aloe finished applying a layer of soothing green mud to her face. “I think he said something about teaching him a new game.”
“Ogres and Oubliettes,” Cadence added with a laughing sigh. “Shiny told Spike about his paladin character a while ago, and Spike offered to let him try out a custom map he created with Big Macintosh. Personally, I think Shiny is out for revenge, since Bean’s fantasy buckball team is crushing everypony else in their league.”
“Oh. This is a safe game, right?” Lima said with a worried frown.
“It’s a role-playing board game, and it’s harmless,” Cadence replied. “If Bean has a good imagination, he’ll have fun, and Shiny will help him out. I play with him sometimes, but he banned me after our last game when my barbarian character decided to go fishing.”
“What’s so bad about that?” Twilight asked.
“I was out on a boat in the middle of a lake, screaming ‘HERE, FISHY FISHY!’ and lopping their heads off with my axe when they jumped out of the water,” Cadence explained with a devious grin. “Shining was sure I was using a loaded die; he’d never seen anypony roll that many natural twenties in his life.”
“And he banned you over that?”
“Yes, but he wasn’t serious about it.” Cadence grinned and blushed slightly. “I kissed him out of the decision pretty quickly.”
“Well, as long as he’ll have fun,” Lima said, and she wiggled a bit to sink further into her mud bath. “And I’m sure he will.”
A reverberating belch then came from outside the room, and a moment later, Trixie staggered in with a scroll and a groan. “Message for you, Miss Inkwell.”
“Who is it from?” she asked as Lotus gently slid a cucumber slice over her eyes.
“Doctor Horsenpfeffer, ma’am.”
“Just hold on to it for me. It’s a list of things to help my twins.”
“You’re having twins?” Lima asked.
“I’m afraid so, yes. And since that adds all sorts of fun complications to my pregnancy, I have to be extra careful now.”
Lima hummed a thoughtful note. “And here I thought having pre-eclampsia with Baked was bad.”
“That’s just one of the fun conditions we’re trying to avoid,” Wysteria said with a low, pleased groan as Aloe began to place hot stones on her back. “Trixie, why don’t you join us? You look like you could use a break.”
Trixie glanced at the mud baths with a disgusted frown. “Trixie is not a fan of mud. I’ve had to sleep in it far too many times.”
“Then maybe you’d like to go soak in the epsom salt bath?” Wysteria offered. “C’mon. You’ve been really uptight lately. You need to relax, pamper yourself a little bit.”
“Yeah, Trixie,” Twilight offered with a soft smile. “I’ll pay for whatever you’d like: massage, hooficure, mane styling, or even all of the above!”
Trixie retreated a step and gave Twilight a doubtful glare, but then a wicked smile came to her face. “You’ll pay for anything Trixie wants?”
“You betcha. Just name it.”
“Trixie has been feeling stressed out lately, now that you mention it. Maybe Trixie will indulge in a few of the services.”
“Go for it. You might like the hot stones, or maybe the scalp massage and conditioning. You should try that out.”
“Oh, Trixie will try that for sure,” Trixie muttered with devious glee. “If you’ll excuse me.”
“Should we trust her to behave by herself?” Luna asked nopony in particular.
“I’m sure Miss Lulamoon will be prudent in her selections,” Celestia said in a dreamy tone. “And if not, then I hope she enjoys the treatments. I know I am.”
“How is your pregnancy going, Celestia?” Lima asked. “Baked always tells me you’re doing fine, but I can’t help but wonder if he’s just telling me that so I don’t worry.”
“Bean is telling the truth,” Celestia said as Aloe began to gently file her horn. “Nilla is doing well, and everything looks normal at this point. Doctor Horsenpfeffer is keeping a very close eye on our progress, so I fully trust that this pregnancy will be rather mundane.”
Lima snickered a bit. “That’s what I thought about Baked, until the pre-eclampsia kicked in. Still, I hope nothing happens. Garbanzo and I are both eager to spoil that little foal rotten.”
“I certainly hope you do,” Celestia said with a giggle of delight.
“Lima, what did you do to keep your condition under control?” Wysteria asked.
“Mostly bedrest, but my doctor also suggested some meditation music to listen to, and some light yoga for low-impact exercise. Overall, I just needed to relax, take some blood pressure medication, and hoof over a lot of urine samples. Thankfully, it was only a mild case, and both Baked and I turned out just fine. I admit I was a bit scared for a while, and that’s probably why we never had any more foals after Baked. Is your doctor worried about that, Miss Wysteria?”
“She is. I don’t have it at the moment, but it is a risk.” Wysteria chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. “Princess Celestia, I hate to say this, but it might be for the best if I took that maternity leave now. I have to admit that I’m worried about what will happen if I’m not careful with these two.”
“Then you are on maternity leave as of this very instant,” Celestia proclaimed with the full authority of her position. “With full pay, of course. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Bean and I can manage, and Trixie will be able to cover most of your duties.”
“Thank you, Princess. I could probably still drop by for a few hours each day, just to check up on things.”
“I’ll give you one hour each day, no more.”
“Two hours,” Wysteria countered. “One isn’t nearly enough to take care of everything.”
“Half an hour, and you have to take a half-hour lunch break,” Celestia threatened with a devious grin.
Wysteria grunted, but with a smile. “Fine. One hour.”
“I will also place Corporal Quillpoint on leave when we return to Canterlot,” Celestia continued. “A mare in your condition will need somepony to assist her, after all.”
The idea of having all-day Quill—and more importantly, a full dose of night Quill—seemed to please Wysteria greatly, if her sudden ear-to-ear smile was any indication. “I do have a few things he could take care of for me, now that you mention it.”
A sudden flash of magic brought a thin, large envelope to life in front of Princess Celestia, and without thinking, she snagged the unexpected delivery and sliced it open.
“Naughty naughty, Sister,” Luna chided with a grin. “You’re not supposed to use your magic.”
Celestia scoffed as she extracted the contents of the envelope. “No, I’m supposed to limit how much I use. This is minimally invasive, so…”
Celestia trailed off as her eyes darted over the invitation that she held. She said nothing, but her smile grew larger and larger until it hit full power and added a squeal of delight. With another flash, the Princess disappeared, leaving the intricate summons to float in the air for a brief moment before being caught in Wysteria’s magic.
“What in Equestria is that?” Cadence asked as Wysteria took a quick look, and the secretary chuckled slightly.
“Oh, nothing much. It’s just the wedding announcement for Matilda.”
“What?” Cadence ripped the missive from Wysteria and eagerly drank in the contents. “Matilda is getting married?!”
Lima glanced to Wysteria while Cadence disappeared in a burst of pink, the confusion thick in her words. “Miss Wysteria, may I ask who this Matilda pony is?”
“Donkey, actually,” Wysteria said as her magic picked up the invitation and presented it to Luna. “Matilda was Celestia’s secretary before me. She was as good as I am, but she didn’t like dealing with the constant arguments and general stubborness of the nobility. She told me when I got hired that even the most stubborn of donkeys were a pushover compared to them.”
“Ah,” Lima and Luna said together.
“She’s one of the nicest creatures you could ever meet,” Wysteria continued with a soft smile. “And very meticulous. I wasn’t sure I could be as accurate as her, at first. She usually sends a letter about once a year or so, just to keep us up to date on what’s going on.”
“And what do you know about the bridegroom?” Luna asked.
“I don’t know anything about Cranky personally, but he and Matilda really hit it off at her last Grand Galloping Gala. She left a note explaining her move to Ponyville, but I found out later that he never got it, somehow. Thankfully for both of them, Cranky eventually made his way to Ponyville and found her, so now…”
“We’ve all been wondering how long it would take for them to get married,” Twilight added, her own smile growing larger. “Especially Pinkie Pie. When is the wedding?”
“Next spring,” Luna said with a quick glance to confirm her statement. “We shall have to make arrangements to be there, of course. There may be a conflict if Wysteria goes into labor at that time, however.”
“Nah,” Wysteria scoffed. “Twins means that I get to enjoy a c-section, plus Horsenpfeffer wants me to get as close to my original due date as possible. I don’t think there will be any problems with the wedding.”
Celestia and Cadence then reappeared with a burst of magic, and they shared a giggle between them before turning to the waiting ponies.
“Forgive us for the sudden disappearance,” Celestia offered, “but we simply had to offer our congratulations personally. I was beyond pleased when Matilda sent word about her reunion with Cranky, and now it will be a great honor for me to attend her wedding.”
“Totally understandable,” Wysteria said with a grin. “When we get done here, I’ll stop by and offer my well-wishes, too.”
* * ✹ * *
Forward, back. Circle. Forward, back. Circle.
Celestia purred as Lotus continued to push all of the tension out of her neck with the gentle movement of her hooves. While Baked Bean was a respectable masseuse, it was clear he needed some training to become truly proficient in the art.
The princess had also fully converted to the medicinal value of seaweed wraps. She had been a bit hesitant and a bit squeamish when the slimy, odd-smelling strips had been brought in, but the cool, paper-like tingle was like the delectable icing on a rich and succulent cake. Between the silken touch of Lotus’ hooves and the kelp on her face, Celestia felt so relaxed that she was drifting in and out of sleep.
“I have always wanted to try this!” Luna proclaimed from some foggy edge of Celestia’s perception. “What fun!”
Celestia giggled slightly at Luna’s enthusiasm. Her sister had wanted to try out a new mane style, but knowing her, the younger princess would probably choose something thirty years out of date and still believe it to be hip and modern.
If it made Luna happy, though, then Celestia would be happy as well.
“Oh, Trixie needed this,” Trixie grunted. “Could you maybe do…”
Celestia’s ears perked up, and her smile deeped as she heard several loud cracks, then a groan of delight from the assistant secretary.
“You know, it might be worthwhile for you to find a chiropractor, Miss Lulamoon,” Bulk Biceps’ voice said in a knowing tone. “You’re really out of alignment.”
“Oh, Trixie will be back, don’t worry. Trixie has never felt better in her life.”
Celestia smiled warmly. This day had been wonderful, and she was going to have to schedule more of these Days of Pampering for sure.
“So, what should I order for dinner, everypony?” Twilight asked. “I can have something delivered to my castle once we get done here.”
“What? Have somepony else cook for you?” Lima gasped in feigned shock. “What kind of barbaric heathen are you?!”
“The kind that likes light cheese, mushrooms and bell peppers on her pizza,” Twilight replied before giggling with everypony else.
“Pizza would be fine, but I’m craving something spicy, personally.” Wysteria’s voice vibrated in time with the percussive tapping of her masseuse’s hooves. “Maybe some kung pao. Or you could just request extra crushed red peppers for me.”
“I couldn’t stand anything spicy when I was pregnant,” Lima said. “Baked would make me throw it back up. It was horrible; I had to go eleven months with the blandest food ever known to ponykind. I couldn’t even tolerate an onion.”
“My wee rascal was not quite that bad,” Luna said, her voice full of memory and warmth. “But pickled eggs seemed to be the one thing I could hold down the best. The scamp was fond of haggis⁽*⁾ too, both before and after she was born.”
Celestia felt a surge of bile rush into her throat. The memory of that horrid smell made her queasy and nauseous, even if it had been over a thousand years since she had been subjected to it.
“I don't think there's any haggis anywhere nearby,” Twilight said, her tone matching how Celestia felt. “I could have Spike check at the local cafes, if you like.”
“Nay, do not worry about that, young Twilight,” Luna said. “It is your ancestor who enjoyed it, not me. However, a large quesadilla does sound rather tempting.”
“A… what?” Twilight said in a nervous whisper.
Celestia’s nose twitched as an overwhelming urge suddenly struck. “A restroom.”
“No,” Luna countered. “I said a quesadilla. I especially enjoy the four cheese variety.”
“I gotta pee!” Celestia shot off her lounge, scampered on the floor for a moment before her hooves gained traction, and then bolted into the little filly’s room while ripping the seaweed wrap from her face. “I didn’t have to pee ten seconds ago! Where did this come from?!”
The assembled group said nothing as they listened to Celestia’s frantic scampering and her smashing of the restroom door, but after a moment, Luna and Lima smirked knowingly at each other.
“She’s just getting started, isn’t she?” Lima asked.
“My sister has no idea what’s in store for her,” Luna replied with a delighted grin. “This is going to be hilarious to watch.”
“Huh?” Bean shook his head, then offered a sheepish grin to his fellow prince. “Sorry, Shining. I still can’t get over how enormous Twilight’s castle is.”
“It’s not as big as yours.”
“I don’t have one,” Bean noted with a grin. “My wife has one. I’m just a squatter that the landlords happen to like.”
“You know what I mean.” Shining gave Bean a playful shove. “Still, Twilight definitely earned it, you have to admit,” he added with some ill-hidden pride while he pushed the main doors open.
“Your sister has in every way imaginable.” Bean paused and tapped his chin. “I wonder how many bathrooms are in here.”
“Twenty-two.”
“Okay, now you’re just showing off.” Bean chuckled. “You are going to take it easy on me, right? I’ve never played this game before.”
“Bean, I’m really beginning to wonder if you had a life before you met Celestia,” Shining retorted as they made their way to the throne room. “How do you live this long and not play Ogres and Oubliettes?”
“How do you live this long and never learn the difference between teaspoons and tablespoons?” Bean countered with a devious grin. “I just lived a deprived childhood, I guess. Show me a little pity.”
“You’ll get no such thing out of me.” Shining’s magic pushed open the door to his sister’s throne room and he snorted. “Not after your routing of my fantasy buckball league. You’ve got the best case of beginner’s luck ever.”
“I did try to warn you about Wild Wind.”
“You did,” Shining said with a grin. “So I’m not going to make that mistake again.”
“Hey guys!” Spike called out gleefully from his perch in Twilight’s chair. “Come on in! I’ve just about got everything ready.”
“How’s it going, Spike?” Shining asked. “Where would you like us to sit?”
“Doesn’t matter. They’re all the same.” Spike waved a claw at the thrones, and then carefully placed a small cardboard drawing on the table that reminded Bean of The Great and Powerful Trixie, if she had somehow been turned into an octopus. “Did you bring the cookies, Your Highness?”
“Didn’t I tell you I’m too short for that Highness stuff?” Bean threatened with a grin. “We don’t need titles getting in the way of the game. To answer your question, I have the cookies right here.” Bean carefully placed his saddlebag on the table, and Spike giggled when he produced a large container that was filled to the brim with discs of delight. “I gotta admit, I’ve never baked cookies with amethysts in them before. I hope I got them right. Shining, I’ve got some snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies for us in the other pouch.”
Spike snagged one of Bean’s specially made cookies, sniffed it, and took a tentative bite. He hummed a bit as he crunched and munched, but then he held it up and pointed to it with his other claw. “Awesome! You gotta make these again!”
Bean laughed as the rest of the treat disappeared in one swift bite. “I’ll save that recipe, then. Hopefully this means you’ll take it easy on me during the game?”
“Oh, sure,” Spike scoffed before stuffing another cookie into his mouth. “I always go easy with virgins. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it. I’ve never had any complaints before.”
“Players, Spike,” Shining cut in. “Virgin players. I’ve told you, if you insist on using that word, you need to add the ‘players’ part.”
“Why?” Spike asked innocently. “What else would I be talking about?”
Shining Armor coughed into a hoof, and for some odd reason, the tips of his ears were a vibrant red. “Hey, didn’t you say you were going to invite somepony else?”
“I did, but Big Mac can’t make it. He has to take care of the harvest at Sweet Apple Acres today. Us three will still have lots of fun, though. Why don’t we get a character sheet going for Bean?”
“Sounds good,” Shining said. “Have a seat, Bean. This’ll just take a minute.”
Baked Bean used that minute to look over the gameboard that Spike had set up, but he had to admit that the whole thing looked a bit complicated and a little overwhelming. Shining had tried to explain a few of the rules during the train ride into Ponyville, but Bean wasn’t quite seeing how the various bags of multi-sided dice fit in to what he had been told.
Of course, Bean had not known that a die could have more than six sides to it before now. At least Spike had what looked like an instruction book, so there was something to refer to if Bean got lost.
Failing all else, Spike had provided a plethora of snacking options, and Bean took a moment to grab some hay chips while Shining placed a small pile of papers on the table.
“All right. Since you’ve never played, we need to make your character.” Spike took a blank form from Shining and licked the tip of the pencil he’d produced. “Name?”
“Baked Bean.”
“No, I mean, what do you want your character’s name to be?”
“Oh. What are my choices?”
“Whatever you want!” Spike gleefully announced. “That’s the best part of this game, you get to use your imagination! See, I’m Garbunkle,” Spike grabbed the roughly-drawn character card and passed it to Bean. “I’m a famous level twenty six magician, and everyone treats me with the utmost respect. Big Mac’s character is Sir McBiggun, a level twenty five black knight unicorn from Castle Chadwick. Shining, which avatar are you using?”
“Gleaming Shield,” Shining said as he produced his character card with his magic and rubbed a hoof on his chest. “Just a humble level twenty seven paladin with some serious skill points in strength, stamina, charm and persuasion.”
“And that’s the best name you could come up with?” Bean said with a small snort of amusement.
“Hey, Cadence likes it,” Shining said with a smirk. “Your name is going to be Mud if you keep that sass going.”
“Why don’t we get your class picked out first, then we can figure out a name,” Spike offered. “Roll the die, and we’ll see what your options are.”
Bean took a moment to look over the twenty-sided oddity before tossing it on the table. Once it stopped, both Shining and Spike sucked in a sharp breath.
“What? What’d I do?”
“Nothing, it’s just…” Spike flipped open his book with a grimace. “You rolled a one.”
“Is that bad?”
“Yeah, it’s not good,” Shining said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony roll a one on class before.”
“Should I roll again?”
“Can’t,” Spike said. “The whole world of Ogres and Oubliettes runs on the Rule of the Dice. Us veteran players have a saying: ‘the dice giveth, and the dice taketh away.’ You just have to,” he snickered “roll with the punches.”
“Swell,” Bean muttered.
“So, with a one, you can be…” Spike squinted, then glanced up with an apologetic attempt at a grin. “Well, you can be a cook.”
“A cook,” Bean repeated flatly. “So, my character is what I am in real life?”
“Hey, it’s not as bad as it looks,” Shining hastily offered. “In fact, this might be really good. Since you’re a cook, you don’t have to worry about weapon or armor stats for right now, and that’ll give you a chance to see how the game works without getting bogged down with a lot of technical information.”
“He’s got a good point,” Spike said with a nod. “Plus, since you’re a cook, you can really help us out during the quest. If we build up the right stats, your cooking could heal us after a fight, and having fresh meals will help our overall stamina, too. We’ll be able to travel farther each day.”
Bean tilted his head and thought this information over. Though he would rather be something cool, like an archer or a cleric, he had to admit that Spike and Shining had some good points. Being a cook would also allow him to use his own personal experience as they went through Spike’s prefabricated storyline, too. “Do I have to be a cook every time I play this game now?”
“You can always make another character, if you want,” Shining said. “Gleaming Shield is my favorite, but I also have a bard and a rogue I use from time to time.”
“All right.” Bean huffed. “But just this once! Maybe I could be a dragon next time.”
“Good luck,” Spike scoffed with a grin. “It’s super hard to get a dragon class. So now that we have that set, let’s get some skill stats. First, let’s have you roll for your ability, then will see about stamina and intelligence.”
“If I roll a one on intelligence, I’m leaving,” Bean threatened as he took the determiner of his destiny in hoof. “There’s nothing more dangerous than an idiot cook.”
The die was cast, and another sharp breath was taken in by the two experienced players.
“Well, I rolled a two that time.” Bean nudged the round-ish die. “That’s twice as good, right?”
“Um, no,” Spike slowly said, his claws flipping through the pages of his book. “A twenty is good. Getting a two means… oh boy.”
“Be gentle,” Bean pleaded.
“A two means the only thing you can do well is boil leeks. If you try to make anything else, you’ll fail, unless you somehow roll a twenty to counteract your innate inability to cook. Or not-cook, as it seems.”
Shining Armor glanced to the rapidly deflating Bean, then to the dungeon master. “Spike, you know as well as anybody that I’m all for the Rule of the Dice, but I think we’re going to have to make a one-time exception here. Bean’s not going to have any fun if his character insta-fails everything. For the rest of these stats, we keep rolling until he at least gets something in the teens. Deal?”
“Yeah, let’s do that.” Spike snagged the uncooperative icosahedron and studied it closely. “I don’t get it. This is supposed to be perfectly balanced, or at least as close to perfect as you can get. Maybe it just doesn’t like you?”
“Now there’s a pleasant thought,” Bean muttered. “I’ve somehow managed to anger inanimate objects.”
“Hey, bad rolls happen,” Shining said in a reassuring tone. “Usually they wait until the actual game, but that’s the inherent risk. If we can’t figure out a way to make this work, we’ll just start over.”
“Shining is right,” Spike said with a nod. “We both want you to have fun. In fact, I think with a few little tweaks to the campaign we can make this work. Let’s get the rest of these stats filled in, and then we’ll get started.”
* * ✹ * *
“Okay, I think we’ve got everything ready,” Spike announced, and he turned to Shining Armor with a playfully devious grin. “Gleaming Shield, are you ready to enter the world of Ogres and Oubliettes?”
“Ha ha! I am always ready for action, noble Garbunkle!” Shining proclaimed, thumping a hoof to his chest.
“Mud, are you ready to take part in our most noble quest?”
Bean nudged the character card in front of him, and he did his best to suppress a sigh.⁽*⁾ “I suppose so. Hopefully this gets better as we go.” ⁽*⁾It didn’t work very well. —
“It will, trust me.” Spike rolled two dice behind a screen that sat to his right, studied his book for a quick moment, and then cleared his throat. “Okay. Our journey begins outside an old, run-down inn. Gleaming Shield and Garbunkle have been relentlessly pursuing the evil Squizard, but their strength has run out and they need to rest for the night. We enter the inn to find Mud—um, that’s you, Baked Bean—behind the counter, but there’s nopony else around.”
“You sure this is a fantasy? It sounds suspiciously like any night when my parents left me in charge at the Zuerst.”
“Gleaming Shield and I approach,” Spike pressed on, undeterred by Bean’s comment. “Now, it’s your turn, so what do you want to do?”
“Well, I guess I greet you,” Bean said. “This is gonna be a short game if I run you two off.”
“Hail, fair innkeeper!” Shining said at a volume that was a few decibels shy of Royal Canterlot Voice levels. “I am Gleaming Shield, Paladin of the Order of Grey Skull, an ancient and mystic Brotherhood founded to spread unity and peace across the land! My companion is the wise and venerable Garbunkle, Grand Wizard of Spiketopia and Magus to the Diamond Princess. We seek respite from our travels. Have you a room available?”
“You really get into this, don’t you?” Bean asked as he rubbed the inner part of his ear.
“That’s what makes it fun!” Spike gleefully announced.
“Try thinking about this like you’re writing a book,” Shining offered, “and Mud is one of the main characters. How would he react to the events going on around him? You’ll enjoy the game a lot more if you really throw yourself into it.”
Bean hesitated, but then he shrugged. “All right. Let me see. ‘Yes, you overbearing oaf! You don’t need to shout at me! Blasted paladins, always yelling at everypony.’”
“Not bad,” Spike said, and Bean grinned a bit. “Taking the grouchy route, eh?”
“Hey, if I’m a cook who can’t, I’m going to be cranky. I’m probably dirt poor and starving.” Bean cleared his throat, and continued. “You wanna stay, you gotta pay. Room’ll cost you a hundred, plus tax.”
Spike held up a claw and grinned deviously before Shining could reply. “Now it’s Shining’s turn. Hopefully he wasn’t insulted by your tone or your price. Shining, what do you want to do?”
“A hundred!” Shining lost himself in the role once more. “By Rockhoof’s beard, I’ve never heard of such an exorbitant price! This is highway robbery, I’m sure of it! I refuse to pay more than twenty!”
“So now what?” Spike asked Bean. “Are you going to let him get away with that?”
Bean started to say yes, but then he stopped. What would he have Mud do if this was one of his stories? What would his readers want to see? Surely they wouldn’t want to have him just roll over and accept Shining’s terms, there was no drama in that.
Bean’s eyes flitted down to his character sheet. Thanks to Shining’s temporary reprieve on bad dice rolls, Mud had respectable⁽*⁾ charisma and intelligence stats. A small grin came as Bean quickly plotted out his move. “Spike, I want to haggle with Shining. Er, Gleaming.” ⁽*⁾Well, they were higher than two. —
“Grab the die, and let’s see how well you do,” Spike replied with a proud smile.
Bean shook the die and whispered an unheard wish for a decent roll. He then let the master of his fate loose upon the table, and he cringed as it bounced and rolled.
“Twenty! Nice,” Spike said, and Bean felt a flood of relief wash over him. “Okay. So the two of you hash it out, but in the end, you manage to talk Gleaming Shield into paying two hundred and ten for the room. That’ll be useful when we buy your gear. Gleaming isn’t quite sure how you managed to pull that off, but he doesn’t offer any further argument.”
“Now that we have that settled, innkeeper,” Shining announced, “We also require sustenance. What can you provide to two weary travellers?”
“Ouch, all the way down to the foundation,” Garbunkle noted. “You know, I could have put that fire out if you hadn’t tripped and crashed into me.”
Mud looked over the smoldering remains of his livelihood. “Hey, I told both of you I can’t cook. You still owe me for the room, by the way.”
“Well,” Gleaming Shield turned to the now homeless pony and offered a sympathetic grin. “Perhaps some good can come from this. Our journey will be long and hazardous, Mud, and we could use a travelling companion. Especially one who just so happens to have a map,” he said with an excess of emphasis.
Mud turned to his singed saddlebag, and amazingly enough, a rolled up map emerged from one of the pouches. “Well, lookit that. Figures I can roll a fifteen on map-having, but not fire-put-outting. Since I don’t have anything better to do, I guess I’ll tag along.”
“Excellent!” Gleaming roared, and he pulled his new companion into a bone-crunching hug. “Our fellowship will surely mean certain doom for the Squizard and all of his undead armies! Fear not, fair Shmarity! Your salvation is nigh!”
“Spike, do I need to roll to see if I survive this hug?” Mud wearily asked.
* * ✹ * *
“So, then Snotfang tells me to scout out the southern pass,” Killgore said with a huff. “He’s all high-and-mighty about it, too. ‘We’re the Squizard’s elite goblin army, it’s time we act it. Work smarter, not harder,’ blah blah blah.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Crusher said.
“I wish I was. And then, I was all like, ‘Snot, we all have a listed intelligence of ten. There’s only so much I can do with that.’”
“Yeah! Does he think we’re Xvarts or something?” Crusher agreed. “So then what?”
“I guess he didn’t like that.” Killgore took a moment to examine the edge of his blade, and then he went back to sharpening. “That’s why I’m here with you.”
“Could be worse,” Crusher said with a shrug.
“Yeah, so I… wait.” Killgore froze, and the two goblin mooks glanced down the mountain pass they were guarding. “Did you hear something?”
“I’m not sure. Shut up for a minute.”
A soft breeze began to blow, and upon it, the goblin guards almost heard a trio of ponies whispering to each other. “Okay, guys. We gotta sneak by this goblin camp to get to the town. Roll for stealth.”
“I don’t hear nothing,” Killgore muttered.
“Shut up!” Crusher ordered.
“I got an eighteen,” one voice whispered at a volume that was just outside of the goblin’s range of hearing.
“Fifteen,” another voice said, a little bit louder but still soft enough to go undetected.
“I GOT A FOUR!”
Killgore leapt to his feet and brandished his blade as Crusher hastily retreated into the camp. “I know I heard that. Who’s out there?!”
“HEY GUYS! DID YOU HEAR ME?! I GOT A FOUR!”
Killgore squinted and growled. He had no idea how he’d missed it before, but it was now clear as day that there was a pony nearby, and a rather moronic looking one at that.
“Shut up! He’s going to see us!” the grass to his left hissed.
“DON’T WORRY, GUYS! I CAN TAKE ‘EM!”
“No you can’t!” the grass on the pony’s right said as Killgore began to slowly advance. “You don’t have any weapons! What are you going to do, talk them to death?”
Killgore glanced back as his fellow goblins began to spill out of the camp, and he grinned as the shaman of their group quickly joined them. Invisible or not, these three intruders would soon learn why ponies should never sneak up on goblins.
“Can I talk them to death? Is that a thing?” the pony asked. “What would I have to roll for that to work?”
“You’d need a fourteen, at least. Eighteen to be sure.”
“Killgore, what is going on?” The shaman asked as the goblins began to surround the intruder. “Is there more than one pony?”
“I think so, but I can’t see them.”
“Invisibility Purge,” the shaman intoned. A ball of black smoke sprang from his hand and hit the gabby goober in front of them. Instantly, a paladin and a wizard appeared next to the idiot, and all three glanced around sheepishly.
“I failed the spot check, didn’t I?” the paladin asked.
“At least I’m not the only one messing things up,” the first pony dryly remarked. “Now what?”
The wizard hesitated for a moment. “Um, I think we need to go to plan B.”
“Is that the one where I set something on fire?” the first pony asked.
“Wait, I take that back. We need plan C.”
“What’s plan C?”
“Seize them!” the shaman barked, and the mass of goblins surged forward as a sea of spittle and swords.
“RUN AWAY!” the wizard screamed.
“Okay.” Garbunkle leaned on his staff as he and Mud looked over the gaping maw that was the entrance to a foreboding and ominous chasm. “Since we couldn’t sneak by the goblins, this is the only other way to go. Problem is, it’s full of all sorts of nasty critters.”
“Uh, I hate to interrupt, Spike,” Mud cut in, “but shouldn’t we wait for Gleaming?”
“Huh? Oh. Nah, it’s okay. We’ll fill Shining in on the details of the plan once he gets back with the chips and dip,” Garbunkle said.
“If you say so.”
“As I was saying, this chasm is filled with all sorts of nasties: we got hydras, chimeras, timberwolves, and those pesky bats that always dive down out of nowhere and bite you when you’re in the dark.” Garbunkle shuddered, but then he pointed to a pair of small cairns a few feet away from them. “The only way to get through it is to follow that path exactly, and then at certain waypoints, there’s a riddle we have to solve. We’ll probably need to fight a few monsters, but so long as we avoid fighting as much as possible, I think we’ve got about a thirty eight percent chance of—”
“Hey guys!” Gleaming suddenly sprang up out of nowhere and gave his companions a heart attack at the same time. “I got the cool ranch and nacho cheese, plus some corn chips and a barrel of dip. So, we’re going through the chasm, right? Let’s do this! GLEEEAAAAAMING SHIELD!”
With that, the overzealous paladin took off, his blade flashing in the sunlight as he began to hack and slash at everything that dared to move. It took a moment for Garbunkle and Mud to realize what had happened, but once they did, Garbunkle quickly hopped on to Mud’s back.
“I can’t believe he just took off! Quick, after him!”
“Shut up.”
Mud and Garbunkle continued to snicker as the party passed through the gates of the local village. Even if they had wanted to stop laughing—which they didn’t—there was no way they would be able to after what had happened in the chasm.
“I said shut up,” Gleaming Shield grumbled. “It’s not funny. Cadence is never going to let me live this down. At least I got the chicken.”
“Are you kidding?” Garbunkle blurted. “This is hilarious!”
“Look, let’s just get Mud his gear and be on our way. I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.”
“It’s not going to be that simple, you know,” Garbunkle said. “You’re going to need a whole new set of armor now, and a few other accessories. It’s going to cost you a fortune in gold.”
“I know, I know!” Gleaming snapped. “I’m still going to keep my old stuff. Maybe there’s an enchanter or an alchemist who can undo this.”
“I wouldn’t count on it. The dice have spoken. Remember, the dice giveth, and the dice…”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence! I’m sick of hearing it.”
“Aw, c’mon, Gleaming.” Mud glanced to Garbunkle, and the two of them had to hesitate for a moment in an effort to suppress their laughter. “You just need to roll with the punches, right? Besides, I bet the shopkeeper has some nice pink bows that you could pick from.”
Gleaming had no reply beyond vague, unintelligible threats.
The snickering and the grousing continued until the trio reached a nondescript shop in the middle of the town, and Mud managed to contain himself long enough to read the sign that hung outside the door. “‘Porto Bella’s Weapons, Armor, and Sundries.’ Sundries?”
“Little stuff, like canvas bags or blankets. If you need it, Bella’s got it.”
“Oh, like custom fit armor for my girlish figure?” Mud asked, running a hoof down the length of his barrel.
“I said shut up!” Gleaming moaned with a sniffle. “I liked that paladin…”
Garbunkle and Mud were nearly consumed with giggles as a cheerful bell announced the arrival of the party to the interior of the shop. At first glance, the store seemed to be devoid of any shopkeeper, but Mud was rather impressed by the collection of swords, spears, and battle axes that lined the walls.
“Just a moment!” A harried voice called out from somewhere in the back. “Ooh, I can never find that pesky… I know it was just… oh, rats. The cat’s eaten it. Well, I’ll just have to start over, I suppose.”
A dull grey mare with a jet black mane then stumbled into the main area, her forelegs loaded with a variety of beakers, bottles, flasks, and jars, some empty and some filled with brightly-colored liquids. She proceeded to carefully deposit the entire collection onto a nearby workbench, and then with a sigh of relief, she turned to her customers.
“Ah! Garbunkle! It’s been ages, my friend! Welcome back,” she greeted as she pulled the wizard into a friendly hug. “I see you made some new friends?”
“Well, it’s only one new friend,” Garbunkle stated with another round of giggles. “Bella, this is Mud: cook, conversationalist, and navigator. He’s got a map that’s going to lead us right to the Squizard’s hidden lair. We need to get him the finest weapon and armor you’ve got.”
“Not a problem. I’ve got everything that a greenhorn like you could ever need,” Bella said with a warm smile for Mud. “But who’s this other pony? Have I met her before?”
“You could say that,” Garbunkle said while trying and failing to not laugh. “Take a good, long look. I bet she looks familiar.”
“Gleaming Shield?!” Bella staggered back a step, and her laughter blended in with the riotous uproar from Mud and Garbunkle. “What have you done to yourself?”
“I got into a fight with some monsters and lost.” Gleaming Shield pulled a stray lock of silky blue mane out of her eyes. “And somehow, I managed to use a reincarnation potion instead of a resurrection potion. I swear had some left over from my last adventure!”
“Mud,” Bella managed after a furious fit of laughter “let this be a lesson to you. Always check your inventory, and always make sure your potions are labeled properly. Looks like Gleaming managed to keep most of her experience in beauty and charms, at least.”
“All right, Spike,” Gleaming Shield fumed with a furious flick of her long, luxurious tail. “You’ve had your fun, now let’s get on with this already. I’m a mare, ha ha ha. Get it out of your system and get Bean a weapon already. If you need me, I’ll be over here, rolling for my new equipment.”
“Ah, the pretty filly has a good point,” Bella said while flicking a tear away. “The Squizard isn’t going to defeat himself. Mud, come over here and let’s find you something sharp. Once we get that done, I’ll go take Gleaming’s new measurements and find her something a bit more comfortable to wear.”
“I heard that!” Gleaming growled from a corner.
“Now, let me see.” Bella pried open Mud’s mouth, and she clucked a bit as she studied his teeth intently. “Not bad, not bad. I think I know just the thing. Nothing flashy, of course. Let’s try this out.”
Mud’s gaze went to the floor, and a hoof scuffed the surface. “I bet thirty gold I roll a one. She’s probably going to give me a frying pan and a set of pots.”
“Only one way to find out,” Garbunkle noted.
There was a brief moment of hesitation, and Mud winced when Bella let out a cheer of delight. “Here we go! Now, Mud, since you are a cook, I can only give you a specific set of items.”
“Here we go,” Mud muttered.
“For example, it does no good to give a broadsword to an archer, nor does it do any good to give a longbow to a berserker. So, in your case, I’m going to have to give you something suitable for a cook.”
“It’s a frying pan, isn’t it?”
Bella smiled, and she held out what appeared to be a plain sword. “No, something a bit better than that. This item in my hooves looks like a gladius sword. It is balanced like a gladius sword, it chops like a gladius sword. If I gave it to Gleaming, it would be a gladius sword. If I gave this to Garbunkle, it would be a gladius sword.
“But since you are a cook, it is not a gladius sword. For you, this is an exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife. Go ahead, take it. It’s one of my finer blades. Gleaming Shield can show you how to use your exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife as if it were a gladius sword, and once you master that, you can move up to the heavier weaponry.”
“That’s a good sword. Er, chef’s knife,” Garbunkle noted with a nod of satisfaction. “I can show you a few things, too. Now, if we pair this with a tremendously oversized cutting board, you’ll have everything you need to take on the Squizard.”
Mud took the not-a-sword in mouth, and he gave it a few experimental swings. A smile came as he felt the sharp edge slash through the air.
“You know what? I like it!”
“Okay. So we need to get into that stronghold,” Garbunkle said, his face set in a determined scowl. “The local warlord has vital information about the Squizard’s hidden lair. The only question is, how do we get in?”
“Can we storm the gates?” Mud offered.
“Woah there, Killer.” Gleaming Shield put a hoof in front of Mud to keep him from doing anything rash. “I know you like your exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife, but discretion is the better part of valor. The castle of Baron Mos Eisley is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”
Mud grumbled, but as he looked the guards posted at the parapets, he knew Gleaming was right. There had to be dozens of them, all armed to the teeth with swords, bows, and shields. It would take an army of Gleaming Shields to successfully stage a direct frontal assault.
“Perhaps I could throw you and Mud over the walls,” Gleaming mused. “I would then engage our enemy at the gates, and you two could make your way to the center of the foul keep.”
“You know, it might work better if I throw you in,” Mud said before breaking down into a fit of giggles with Garbunkle once more.
“Har har.”
“Serious! You have more close-range battle experience, right?”
“The idea is tempting, but we have no idea what’s inside those walls,” Garbunkle said. “For every one of them that we see, there could be ten more that we don’t.”
Garbunkle and Gleaming continued to debate the best course of action, but Mud’s attention was drawn away by the marketplace just to the left of the keep’s main gates. A hoofful of merchants were hawking their wares to the passing crowds, but there was one in particular who seemed to be having no luck at all.
“Spike?” Mud cut in, and he pointed to the hapless vendor. “You did say there was a peasant selling cabbages at the nearby market, right?”
“Yeah. What about him?”
“Garbunkle, Gleaming, I have an idea,” Mud announced. “I think I need to make a purchase. I need you to get a fire going for me.”
“Fire? Why?”
“Just trust me. I’ll be right back.”
Garbunkle shrugged when Gleaming glanced to him, but the two had a roaring fire going by the time Mud returned, a large pot in his hooves. The cabbage merchant followed him, his entire stock in a wagon he was towing, and his grin grew with each jingle of the substantially larger coin pouch around his belt.
“Right there, sir, and thank you for bringing those over,” Mud said. “All right. Now, Garbunkle, I want to make some soup.”
“You do?”
“Yup. Cabbage soup. A big ol’ pot of it. I don’t think it’ll take that long, do you?”
Gleaming Shield held up a hoof with a toss of her exquisite mane. “Hold it, Mud. I don’t see how this is going to help us out. I guess we could try to entice the guards out with a gourmet meal, but unless you roll a twenty, that’s not going to…”
Garbunkle snickered as realization dawned on Gleaming. “Wait. You foul demon! You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, I dare. Never bet against a cook when cabbages are on the line.”
~ * ~
“Ugh!” Garbunkle wretched. “That has got to be the foulest thing I have ever smelled! How did you manage to turn cabbage and water into that?”
“What can I say?” Mud said as he rubbed a hoof on his chest. “I’m just that bad. Gleaming, would you mind throwing that pot into the stronghold for me?”
“Anything to get rid of this tartarus-spawned ooze from the abyss,” Gleaming said as she hastily grabbed the disgusting pot. “Gads! The Squizard himself would flee in terror from this abomination!”
“That’s the idea,” Mud said with a grin.
Gleaming Shield took in a deep breath, and as quickly as she could, she took aim and tried to calculate the trajectory. Once set, she dry heaved once, and then with a shout, she spun and sent the payload soaring towards the unsuspecting guards.
At first, there was just a few shouts of annoyance, and then everything grew deathly still. For a moment, Mud wondered if his plan was going to work.
Then the main gates slammed open, and the Baron’s minions trampled over each other in their efforts to flee, all the while shouting about the stench and the horrible, horrible burning. The peasants in the marketplace watched in fascinated horror for a few moments, but once the wind brought the malevolent smell out from behind the walls, it only took a few moments to clear the stalls as well.
“There we go!” Mud announced. “Now, since I’m immune to my own bad cooking, I’ll go find that warlord. I’m sure he’ll be happy to come talk to us, and if he isn’t, I’ll just have to whip up another batch of cabbage soup.”
“You are one sick pony,” Gleaming said with a laugh.
“This is it, my friends,” Gleaming said, her face grim with determination. “The inner sanctum of the Squizard’s evil hidden lair. Doubtless the foul beast is within, as is the fair Shmarity. Courage and fortitude will be needed if we are to be victorious.”
Garbunkle’s staff sparked and flickered with pent-up magical energy. “That evil monster won’t know what hit him! He will rue the day he dared to cross our paths!”
“Are you two sure I can’t do anything stupid with this swo—er, this exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife?” Mud asked, the concern heavy in his words. “I really don’t want to stab one of you mid-battle.”
“Come, noble Mud!” Gleaming said. “We shall need your blade and your strength if we are to be victorious! For the honor of Grey Skull!”
“For the Princess Shmarity!” Garbunkle added.
“For the cabbages!” Mud shouted.
The iron door that separated the heroes from their prize stood no chance against Garbunkle’s magic and Gleaming’s rear hooves. The three charged into the room, their weapons at the ready, only to find a room that was completely empty.
“What?” Mud asked. “Did we go to the wrong place?”
“Nay!” Gleaming bellowed, her massive sword cleaving the empty air as she pranced about in a circle. “This is naught but a foul trick of the Squizard’s doing! Show yourself, you evil monster!”
“Monster?” a high-pitched voice pierced the air with a nasally, snorting laugh. “Oh, you flatter me, Gleaming! I was hoping you would stop in today. I absolutely love what you’ve done with your looks! Your curves are so lithe and lean! Do you have to use a detangler on those luscious locks? Me-nee-he-he-he!”
“Oh, did you think she was here? Such a pity. Our princess is in another castle, you half-wit wizard!”
“NOOO!” Garbunkle fell to his knees and shook a fist angrily at the heavens. “You will pay for this, Squizard!”
Mud whipped around in a tight circle as the sound of wet noodles hitting a brick wall began to echo in the empty chamber. His heart began to race, and his breath came in short, ragged bursts.
This was it. The Squizard was coming, whether he was ready or not.
“You know, Garbunkle, I never tire of tormenting you,” the nasally voice gleefully proclaimed. “Maybe I’ll let you watch while I torture your friends for information. I bet that one with the exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife has all sorts of juicy secrets.”
“You’ll never get a word out of me!” Mud announced. “Show yourself!”
A long blue tentacle dropped from the sky, and the only thing that saved Mud from being turned into pony paste was his own quick reflexes. The cook then backpedaled to his friends, his blade at the ready, while the rest of the vile Squizard flowed down from the ceiling.
He was even more horrible than Mud had imagined. The wicked wizard had to be twice as tall as Gleaming Shield, with a face that not even a mother could love and tentacles that seemed to be too short for his bulbous body. The creature seemed to be oozing some sort of slime, or perhaps he was secreting mucus, but whatever it was, it smelled even worse than his bad cabbage soup.
“Be careful what you wish for!” The Squizard cackled. “Now, you will die!”
“Not today!” Gleaming screamed. “Forward, my friends! He shall taste our steel!”
Mud leapt into the air with Garbunkle and Gleaming, a burning fire of righteous indignation in his chest. At the peak of his leap, Mud began to swing his mighty knife, and with a furious scream—
“Bean? What are you doing?”
* * ✹ * *
Celestia giggled behind a hoof as she took in the scene before her. Her beloved husband, Shining Armor, and Spike had frozen in place atop the cutie mark map table, each of them holding a crude drawing of a fantasy character that looked something like themselves. In the moments just before she had interrupted, the three of them had been screaming, and they had been moving their characters towards an odd, Trixie-octopus looking thing at the center of a game board, but once they realized who had addressed them, they hastily dropped what they were holding.
“I see you’re having fun,” Celestia said before they could really get going. “Please, don’t let me interrupt. I was merely curious.”
“Celly!” Bean sprang over to her and began to prance in place. “You’ve got to play this game! We were just about to attack the evil Squizard, but we could always use another player! Right, guys?”
Celestia glanced to Shining Armor, who smiled sheepishly. “We’d have to start a new game, but we could let you play if you’d like, Auntie Celestia.”
“I shall summon my character sheet,” Luna announced gleefully. “I believe Pansy, my twenty-fifth level breezie druid would be most useful.”
“I’ll go get my barbarian stuff, too,” Cadence said with a playful sigh. “Twilight, do you want to join?”
“Sure! I have a level thirty two necromancer that I haven’t used for awhile. But first, I’m going to order pizzas for everypony. Do you fearsome warriors want anything?”
“Oo! How about a beet pesto pizza with feta cheese?” Bean said. “Make sure they add basil to the sauce and have them put some banana peppers on it. That really brings out the flavor.”
“Um, I’ll see what I can do,” Twilight said with a confused grin before walking over to Spike. “How about you?”
“I’d like a nice ruby pizza, or maybe something with pineapple and peridot.”
“You got it. Wait. Shining, what happened?” Twilight’s magic snagged Gleaming Shield’s character sheet before Shining Armor could react, and his admonishment to not look went unheeded. “I don’t remember your paladin being a mare. What did you do?”
“Bad encounter with some monsters,” he huffed with folded forelegs as Bean and Spike collapsed into a pile of laughter. “It’s not funny.”
Twilight’s eyes darted back and forth over the sheet before she began to snicker. “Cadence! Come check this out!”
“So, did my Mom and Wysteria head home already?” Bean asked Celestia, once he’d composed himself and the sisters-in-law began to laugh over Gleaming Shield’s changes.
“They did,” Celestia confirmed. “Your mother sends her love, and Trixie is helping Wysteria to get her affairs in order before she starts her maternity leave.”
“It’s about time. I was wondering if she was ever going to take a day off.”
“She decided it would be for the best, given the concerns that have arisen with her twins.”
“It looks like you girls had a good time, though.” Spike pointed to Princess Luna, who was snickering in the corner as she reviewed Gleaming’s sheet with Cadence. “Some of you a bit more than the others.”
“Yeah,” Shining agreed. “That’s gotta be the exact same manestyle my mom had back when Twily was born. Mom hasn’t had it that frizzed out in twenty years, I bet.”
“I think Luna looks nice,” Twilight announced, but then she smiled sheepishly. “Or, at least she looks very retro. But don’t either of you say anything about it! She really likes how it turned out.”
“Not a peep from us,” Spike said as he, Bean, and Shining made a motion like they were zipping their lips shut.
“Why don’t we discuss what has happened over dinner and a new game?” Celestia offered with a quick nuzzle for her love. “Whatever you were doing, it looked like fun, and I would like to join in.”
“Okay, but first, we need to make a character for you,” Bean’s eager announcement came as he snagged a blank character sheet and Spike’s pencil. “We’ll worry about the name in a minute. Let’s get your class figured out first. Roll this die, and then Spike can tell us what you got. Hopefully you can a healer of some sort; we could use one of those.”
“I hope so as well,” Celestia said as she picked up the die in her magic and gave it a roll. Once it stopped, however, Bean, Shining, Twilight, and Spike all drew in a sharp breath.
“Ah, a one!” Celestia cheered. “That is a good roll, isn’t it?”
“Stupid bug. I hope she gets eaten by some kind of giant bird.”
Sergeant Hokey Pokey snorted before emptying his shot glass. He then held perfectly still, hoping that the stab of the cheap drink would cut out the memory of she who had betrayed him.
After a few minutes, he snorted again and fumbled for the bottle of… of whatever Trigger had given to him. The temperamental and foul-mouthed bartender had tried to talk him out of his plans when he had walked into the Phoenix Fire that evening, but the insults and threats had fallen on deaf ears. In the end, Trigger had acquiesced to Pokey’s demand for “the strongest thing you’ve got,” but only because they both knew that if he didn’t, Pokey would simply find another bar that would give him what he wanted.
Trigger could keep an eye on him if he stayed, and that wasn’t a guarantee elsewhere.⁽*⁾
⁽*⁾Trigger could also make sure that Pokey got something much tamer that what he really wanted without knowing it. The bottle he was currently hogging was mostly mouthwash, giving less booze content than thin beer, but guaranteeing fresh breath come morning. —
Another shot disappeared, and Pokey glared daggers at the table in front of him. No matter how hard he tried, and no matter what he did, the putrid memory of Bluebelle’s true name, form, and intents continued to eat away at his insides, rotting them from the core outward like an incurable disease. During all that time, he had never once suspected that his marefriend was really Queen Chrysalis, and he hated his role in her latest scheme. Because of his foolishness, the changeling had been able to inflict untold amounts of agony on both Prince Bean and Princess Celestia by warping his brain and stealing the prince out from under his nose.
He had failed Celestia; betrayed her. His folly had led to him abandoning her right when she had needed him most, and he still could not figure out why she refused to be angry with him. His errors were worthy of a lifetime punishment, yet she kept him in her service.
This was to say nothing of the physical damage to the palace. For many of the nobility and the upper class, the devastation that the imposter drone had brought to the fine arts under Chrysalis’ orders within the palace was a blow that Equestria would never recover from.
Pokey moved to take another shot, but his hoof stopped halfway to his mouth. He’d lost track of how much he’d had that night, but it didn’t matter. Even if he could somehow drink every last drop of Trigger’s stock, it wouldn’t be enough to remove the memory of her.
Before Chrysalis’ betrayal, Pokey had been sure that Bluebelle was the one for him. He had spent days planning out how to ask her to marry him, and he had agonized over the place, the time, the setting, the music, the ring. He’d even considered asking Prince Bean for his opinion on his proposal speech right before the mess had ruined everything.
With a heavy sigh, Pokey lowered the glass. He doubted that he would ever get over her, and that was the most painful wound in his heart.
“Stupid bug.”
Pokey stared at the hazy liquid in his glass, his mind a jumble of thoughts and emotions that lacked any sort of organization or pattern. Maybe he could ask the Captain to give him double shifts at the palace, just so he’d quit doing this to himself.
Or maybe he’d just resign. If he kept doing this every night, he wasn’t going to be able to provide the protection the prince needed. Bean had suffered enough already because of his stupidity.
“Hey there, lonesome. Why the long face?”
Pokey’s eyes flicked up to the speaker. Before him stood a pink pegasus, with a vibrant mane of yellows and reds. Her green eyes playfully studied him through a pair of pince-nez glasses, but then a soft grin came while she sat in the chair across from him.
“My my. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen anypony so down in the dumps. Let me guess. Jilted lover, right?”
Pokey looked back down at the table. “Get lost, you parasite.”
“Parasite?” The young mare held a hoof across her chest and gave the depressed guardstallion a long look through her glasses. “Moi?”
“Yeah.” Pokey picked up his shot glass of caustic gin and slugged it back. “Go away, Chrysalis.”
“Chrysalis?” the pegasus leaned back, swallowed, and then frowned. “That’s no way to speak to a lady, especially one who’s trying to cheer you up.”
“Drop the act; I know it’s you. Did you come back to finish what you started, or are you just trying to twist the knife in a little deeper?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the pegasus huffed.
“Fine. I’ll just yell ‘changeling,’ point to you, and wait. This place is full of guards, so it’ll only take a moment to find a unicorn who knows a detection spell. I wonder if Captain Armor will let me rip your wings off before he ships you off to be tortured by Princess Cadence.”
“You wouldn’t dare!” Chrysalis’ true voice hissed, but then she slunk in her seat and tried to avoid the curious glances from the other patrons. “I mean, that would be so cruel, wouldn’t it?”
“Cruel?” Pokey shook his head in disappointment. “Oh, that’s not even half as cruel as what you’ve put me through.”
“How did you recognize me?” Chrysalis huffed. “This is one of my best disguises.”
“How could I not?” Pokey shot back. “We spent nearly every minute together for weeks. I got to know everything there was to know about you. Or I thought I did, once.”
“Well, we could always start over,” Chrysalis offered in a tone that was smoother than silk. “I could be anypony you want. Anybody you desire. Whenever you want. We could... I mean you could have it all.”
“Or I could go find an industrial-sized can of bug spray.”
“That’s not very nice, either.” Chrysalis pouted and folded her forelegs. “You’ve changed. Where did that wonderful, mischievous, joyful pony go that you once were? I thought—”
“You thought what?” Pokey snapped, the venom thick in his words. “That I wouldn’t be affected by what you did? Are you really that delusional? You betrayed me. I trusted you, and you used that trust just so you could strike at the Prince and the Princess. I gave you my heart, and you treated it like it was a tissue; use it up and throw it away. That’s how all you bugs work, isn’t it?”
“Hokey, I never meant to hurt you,” Chrysalis said. “Maybe make you cry a little. Lie to you a few times. I mean you were too blind to see me for what I was, so I wasn’t even going to let you down easy, just leave you.” She shuddered and seemed to withdraw into herself for a moment. “I guess I’m just a stranger to love. I’ve always won the game.”
“A game? Are you serious?! You never meant to hurt me? Listen to yourself!”
The disguised changeling queen reached out, poured herself a glass from Pokey’s mystery bottle, and downed the shot with one quick gulp. “You know, for the first week or two, I would have been more than happy to feed you to a pit full of eels, but then…” She paused, and her face contorted into a grimace. “Look. I’ve got vengeance to plan, but ever since we parted, I—never mind. Let’s make this quick. I’m sss…”
Hokey Pokey was almost convinced that the bug queen had been drinking before coming here. “You’ve got a leak?”
“No! I’m sss… sssss…”
“Sounds pretty severe.” The dark cloak of depression that had been dragging him into the ground lifted just a tiny fraction, just enough to smile at the cute but frustrated look on Chrysalis’ disguise. “You might want to go get that checked out.”
“I’m sorry!” Chrysalis spat.
Pokey leaned forward slightly, both relishing and regretting the tiny spark of joy he was experiencing at her consternation. “And?”
“And I’m never doing that again.”
“Hurting me?”
“No! Apologizing. So you’d better have been listening the first time.”
“Apology not accepted,” Pokey leaned back in his chair as Chrysalis grabbed the bottle and took a deep, unmarelike swig.
“Bleh. Apologies taste horrible,” she grumbled. “So what are you going to do now, then? Are you going to haul me away? Put me in a chokehold? Blind me with pepper spray?”
“No.” Pokey exhaled after several long moments.
“Well, you’re no fun,” Chrysalis said with a pout. “Not even hoofcuffs?”
“Oh, I want to. Every last inch of me wants to beat you into submission and then throw you into the darkest cell in the deepest pit we have. I’d come by, occasionally, to cackle with delight while you waste away. Maybe I would even throw just a morsel of love down, a taste. That way, you could feel the anguish that you’ve put me through.”
“Sounds tempting,” she purred. “So why don’t you?”
It was a fair question. To be honest, Pokey was asking himself the same thing. The logical part of his brain never had worked very well, and with a few bottles of Bootlicker’s Best Brand in him, logic was a lost cause, so he just opened his mouth and watched the words spill out.
“Because, despite all logic and reason, there’s a tiny speck of me that still cares about you. It’s the same nonsensical part that forced you to seek me out.”
“It did not!” protested Chrysalis. “I’m here for… um… nefarious purposes,” she finished in a low mutter.
“Right. You just keep telling yourself that. If you’re going to believe in one delusion, why not have several?”
For example, am I really having this conversation, or have I fallen off my barstool and hit my head? he wondered.
Chrysalis’ mouth opened and closed several times. It was clear she wanted to offer some sort of stinging retort, but there was none forthcoming and it was frustrating the poor bug to no end.
“Whatever your idiotic plan is, leave me out of it,” Pokey snarled as he pushed away from the table and stumbled to his hooves. “Once I sober up, I’m going to regret what I’m doing right now, and the next time we meet, I’m going to make good on my threats. Just go back to your pestilent hive and leave me alone.”
Pokey brusquely pushed past her, but he only managed a couple of paces before he stopped. After a moment, he glanced over his shoulder and met her gaze directly.
“The glasses are a nice touch,” he offered. “You should keep them.”
Chrysalis said nothing as he made his way out of the bar. For several long moments, she simply stared at the door, but then she slowly turned back to the remnants of Pokey’s bottle. With a snort, she pulled in the numbing liquid, and with one slow movement, she emptied the bottle down to the dregs.
“Stupid pony. I hope he breaks a leg.”
* * 🛡 * *
Trigger said nothing when the pink pegasus finally staggered out into Luna’s night, trailed by a distinct sound of sniffling. His eyes did not lift from the counter he was wiping down, and his ears certainly did not trace her movements, hoping to catch any stray sound that would confirm his suspicions.
For several hours after this rather unassuming event, Trigger continued to serve his customers. It was a pretty good crowd, for a Saturday, and the brisk business kept the grizzled old guard occupied well into the early morning hours.
But just after he chased the last barfly out for the night, another pony strode in and walked straight over to his bar. Trigger said nothing when the newcomer sat, and he remained silent for several minutes until his guest spoke.
“I don’t usually leave the barracks in the middle of the night, but they said you’d make it worth my while.”
Trigger took a moment to retrieve a decanter from the middle of his displayed stock, and he smiled as he poured out and presented a glass to the guest.
“Granny Smith’s Whiskey Red.” An intrigued look overtook the late visitor, but he indulged in a sip before he continued. “This must be important if you’re pulling out the good stuff. I’m all ears, Trig.”
“I’ll give it to ya straight, Spear.” Trigger filled a glass for himself. “Chrysalis is back.”
Lieutenant Spear Point downed the rest of the amber liquid in one quick gulp. “I was wondering when she’d crawl out of the cracks. She’s chasing after my Sergeant again, isn’t she?”
“Pokey had a ‘discussion’ with her earlier.” Trigger topped off Spear’s glass and capped the decanter. “I only caught a few bits of their conversation, but that was enough. It was clear the two of them have a history, and that history ain’t over.”
Spear snorted at that. “What else?”
“That’s all I got. Pokey stormed out of here once he’d spoken to her, and she didn’t make a move on anypony else.” Trigger gave a low whistle. “Weirdest bug ever.”
“That is the biggest understatement of the year. I’ll inform Captain Armor immediately.” Spear put away the last of his drink. “I appreciate the tip and the drink. It’s been nice talking to you.”
“Nice...” Trigger gave his old friend a sharp glance. “Look, when ya track her down, I’d like a few minutes of quality time with her and several blunt objects. Gotta remind ponies I do more than just pour. I know I’ll have to get in line, but—”
“We aren’t catching her. Our orders are to observe and stay the buck out of the way.”
Trigger tapped the side of his head with one hoof.
“No, you’re not going deaf,” continued Spear. “Don’t touch the bug.”
“But—”
“Don’t touch the bug.”
“How—”
“I have it direct from three of the highest authorities in the land. No touchie.” Spear pushed the empty shot glass closer to Trigger, who filled it as promoted.
“What if—”
“No.” Spear chugged his booze in one quick swallow. “Whatever you want to do to her, whatever you think Shining Armor wants to do to her, whatever torture you can come up with in your wildest fantasies cannot compare with one alicorn who thinks she is ‘interesting.’ And Chrysalis has three of them.”
“Ah,” said Trigger. He refilled both glasses and put away his booze. “Poor bug?”
“Yes, poor bug indeed.” Spear held out his glass to his retired comrade. “To Their Highnesses, long may they reign.”
“And may they never find us interesting enough to kiss,” continued Trigger.
“Celly, sweetie?” Baked Bean fidgeted with his wings, the one thing about being royalty that he felt he would never really understand. “Are you just about ready? I think the party is going to start without us.”
“Just a few more seconds, my love!” Celestia called back, and Bean shivered in delight. Nightmare Night had come to Canterlot, and Baked Bean was eagerly looking forward to seeing his wife’s costume. She had been teasingly vague about it, saying nothing more than it would be familiar and that he would like it, but he knew that whatever she wore would be perfect and amazing.
With those few extra seconds, Bean took a moment to look himself over in the full-length mirror. The inspiration for his costume had come in part from mythology and partly from a previous tea date discussion with Discord and Fluttershy, and this was a rather fine look if he allowed himself a bit of pride. With a new pair of illusionary bat wings, some mane gel, a costume borrowed from the Royal Canterlot Theatre’s production of The Count, Monte Cristo, and a set of fangs on loan from Luna, Baked Bean now looked like the fabled vampires of old.
Bean glanced back and gave his new appenages a quick test flap. Celestia had been more than happy to conjure up the sleek and stylish bat wings for him, but the tradeoff for form was functionality. While the large draconian appendages would flap, unfurl, and ruffle at his command, they were unable to hold any weight. If he were to fall off a cliff with them, all that would happen was a lot of frantic flapping, leaving the rest of him at the mercy of gravity and a messy landing. In the end, he was fine with the lack of flight, as he figured that going airborne would quickly end with him crashing into the ceiling, a pillar, or worse, the rear end of a snooty noble. He was still on several black lists because of his stained-glass-window-smashing ways, and he didn’t want to be added to any more.
“Okay, I think I’m ready,” Celestia called out. “Don’t laugh.”
“You know, I have yet to laugh at anything you… wear...”
Bean trailed off as his wife emerged from behind the blind, and a furious burning flared in his cheeks. Celestia was now dressed in a perfect replica of the Wonderbolt’s flight suit, from muzzle to tail, and the costume was a snug fit. And as much as Bean looked, he could not see one bit of baby bump.
Although that did not stop him from looking.
“You wouldn’t believe how much trouble the mask gave poor Rarity,” Celestia continued as she looked herself over in the mirror. “But she did a fantastic job, in the end, and Rainbow Dash was most helpful in ensuring the details were correct. They did take a little creative liberty with the Wonderbolt logo, but I knew Rarity would add some of her own trademark flair to the design. Just look at how tight the stitching is!”
“It’s… um,” Bean coughed and tried to clear his throat. “It’s pretty tight, all right.”
“Oh, and I am in love with this fabric she used!” Celestia turned to admire the tail end of her costume, and she gave her hips a few shakes with a huge grin. “It’s so silky and smooth, it feels like I’m wearing nothing at all!”
Bean wondered for a moment if he would melt, combust, or simply have a massive nosebleed. Maybe he’d do all three at the same time and get it over with in one shot.
“So, what do you think?” Celestia turned to her husband with an eager expression. “Does this meet with your approval?”
It took Bean a moment to remember how to speak, and then a moment more to make sure he had all of his words in the right place to make a proper sentence. “My dear, you look amazing. I approve of your selection wholeheartedly.”
Celestia’s grin grew even wider and gained a touch of deviousness. “I’m glad you do. I was thinking I could wear this for some future private events.”
“What kind of events are you suggesting?” Bean said, his voice cracking.
Celestia leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I’ll tell you later, Count Von Bean. For now, we should go find Luna and start the party.”
“I agree. The longer we stay here, the greater the possibility that I’ll make us late because of exsanguinating circumstances.” Bean lifted one eyebrow. “Blah, blah, blah!”
“Be careful. I bite back,” Celestia replied as her eyes wandered over his form. “Your costume turned out quite well too, I must say. The wings are what really sell it.”
“I’ll be sure to tell everypony that you provided them,” Bean said as he stretched them out to their full height. “And I’ll try very hard not to hit you with them.”
“I appreciate that,” Celestia said with a chuckle. “Remember to be careful about how you position them, too. It would be quite embarrassing if you somehow managed to replicate a pegasus mating display.”
Bean froze in place, then carefully tucked the wings away. “I’ll be careful,” he reassured her. “Though please feel free to tackle me if I start doing something untoward.”
“If you insist,” she replied with a grin.
* * 🎃 * *
Nightmare Night in Canterlot was traditionally a subdued affair when compared to the celebrations held in other cities.
This was not to say that the holiday went uncelebrated in the mountainside home of the Royal Sisters. Each year, the streets would fill with young colts and fillies at sunset, each dressed in colorful and imaginative costumes and threatening tricks upon the homes of any who did not provide them with treats. Once their rounds had been completed and the sugary treasures had been safely stored away, ponies old and young would happily gather together to party, play games, and otherwise spend a wonderful evening together with friends and loved ones.
But there was one home whose door was left unknocked, and one pony who did not participate in the festivities. A bowl of honor-system candy would be left on the front stoop of this otherwise bright and cheerful place, but in all other respects, the home of Princess Celestia would remain as silent as the grave, even after Princess Luna’s return.⁽*⁾
⁽*⁾It was rumored that, if one stood just inside the portcullis and listened very carefully, one could occasionally catch the sound of Celestia’s anguished tears on that evening’s breeze. There wasn’t a pony in the whole city who would ever dare to confirm that rumor, however. —
So when the announcement came that Princess Celestia and Prince Bean would be opening the palace for a grand Nightmare Night celebration, most ponies were at first confused, then curious, and finally eager to attend once the fateful evening came around. The itinerary promised a night filled with succulent treats, a few tricks, and “frightful” games for all, but the clincher was the warning that the festivities could attract the attention of the dreaded Mare in the Moon herself.
Of course, this meant that Queen Chrysalis just had to attend the party. Her sweet-but-misguided sergeant would be providing security for the event, and it would give her a chance to “convert” him back to her.
Once she could find him, of course. As she stood just outside the portcullis to the palace that should be hers, the changeling queen sneered at the guards flanking the entrance. Much as it pained her, she was going to have to behave herself while she searched for her sweet sucker. She knew the guards would be more than happy to drag her back to that prison cell of a room that she had deftly broken out of, to say nothing of what would happen if Sunbutt and that Bean caught her wandering around.
“Hey! Check out that mare in the Chrysalis costume!”
The bug queen smiled as she silently drank in the excitement of a pair of ponies who had stuffed themselves into a single pair of oversized pants. While the taste of emotion was still as bland as a plank of wood, the magic she could generate from the ponies would be most useful for her future plans.
“That is one killer-diller costume!” the pony on the left said as he touched her midsection with a hoof. “How’d you pull this off?”
“Oh, just a little makeup and some papier-mâché,” Chrysalis lied with a tittering laugh. “It did turn out rather fine, didn’t it?”
“Yeah! You look exactly like her!” The pony paused and tilted his head. “But, did Chrysalis wear glasses?”
“Sure she did,” the pony on the right said with a nod. “They amplify her hypno-rays. That’s how she managed to brainwash Prince Armor.”
I wish I had hypno-rays. I’d hypno you two right off the side of Canterlot, Chrysalis thought with a devilish grin.
“I thought so, but I couldn’t remember. How’d you do the holes in your legs?”
“Trade secret,” she said with a wink. “I hate to cut the conversation short, but I’m late to meet up with my special somepony inside. I’ll see you two later, maybe?”
“Okay! Watch out for the guards!” the first pony called out as Chrysalis moved towards her Hokey.
“Oh, I plan to.”
* * 🎃 * *
“This was a good idea, my love,” Celestia said to Bean as they moved towards the spider toss game. “We should do this every year.”
“Thanks,” Bean said with a bashful grin, “but Luna was the one who came up with most of this. She deserves the credit for everything.”
“You may thank me as much as you like,” Luna replied from Celestia’s left side. “Though I think we will need more cobwebs next year. Perhaps the gardens could be turned into a haunted maze as well?”
“Haunted mazes are always in demand,” Bean pointed out.
“I believe we could make that happen,” Celestia said with a smile.
“Look out!” a pony shouted. “It’s Nightmare Moon! Everypony drop your offerings and run!”
“You know, I am most impressed that you can tolerate me in my Nightmare form, Sister,” Luna remarked as her magic snagged the small pile of sweets that had been left behind. “I had feared that the memories would be too much.”
“I have to admit that I’m surprised myself,” Celestia replied as she paused and studied the details of Luna’s ‘costume.’ “I suppose this means I am coming to terms with what happened between us, in some way.”
“It probably helps that you’re not trying to bring about an eternal night, too,” Bean quipped.
“Indeed not,” Luna replied with a sharp grin. “But there is something enjoyable about being able to look my sister straight in the eye. Perhaps I shall stay this way, but without the fangs and with my normal wings.”
“I think I like the regular Luna better,” Bean said thoughtfully. “This just doesn’t seem right.”
“You speak truthfully, my good Bean,” Luna replied. “I do believe I prefer my usual appearance as well.”
“Behold!” Wysteria shouted from behind them. “The Grrreat, AND Powerful Trrrrixie!”
“No, no, no.” Trixie said, and the three royals turned their attention to the newcomers. “Too much emphasis on the middle. You need to sell it right from the beginning.”
Celestia snickered a bit as she evaluated the costume of her faithful secretary. Wysteria had borrowed Trixie’s cloak and hat, teased her mane into the trademark Trixie style, and for extra authenticity, she had even painted Trixie’s cutie mark over her own. Despite having the wrong coat color, Wysteria did bear a striking resemblance to her assistant, and it was clear that both of them were pleased with the end result.
“I am selling it. You always overemphasize the ‘and,’” Wysteria replied.
“I do not! I clearly put the emphasis on ‘great’ and ‘powerful.’ That’s how the crowds know they’re dealing with a true master.”
“Right,” Wysteria said with a roll of her eyes. “I’ll keep working on it.”
“Why didn’t you dress up, Trixie?” Bean asked.
“I did,” Trixie replied with a grin. “Trixie is wearing the costume of the greatest and most powerful-est pony she could think of.”
“So, you dressed up as yourself?”
“Was there any doubt that I would dress up as something less?”
“Good point,” Bean said with a chuckle. “Are you two enjoying the party?”
“Trixie is enjoying the candy,” Trixie admitted, “and the caramel apples. I also have to admit it’s nice to actually attend a party on Nightmare Night. Usually I just lock myself in my wagon and wallow in self-pity.”
“Well, we shall have none of that tonight,” Celestia said, her wing reaching out and pulling the assistant in for a hug. “Come, why don’t you come play some games with us? I have a twenty taffy bet going with Bean that says I can beat him in the spider toss.”
“You go ahead,” Wysteria said. “Quill and I have made other plans for the night. I’ll check in with you later.”
“Happy Nightmare Night, Wysteria,” Luna offered with a grin. “I will need to take my leave for a time as well. I am due to make an appearance in Ponyville.”
“Have fun, Sister,” Celestia said. “I’ll make sure to save a slice of pumpkin pie for you.”
“Liar,” said Luna with a nuzzle. “But of no account. Fill thyself with pie, my sister. I shall dine upon apples this eve, and nibble upon backsides until I cannot fly home.”
* * 🎃 * *
Sergeant Hokey Pokey usually enjoyed Nightmare Night.
Granted, he typically had to work, and in years past, that meant he would be in an empty palace and away from the trick-or-treaters. While he didn’t hate foals, per se, he did believe them to be noisy, sticky, smelly, and unable to follow basic commands. He had decided long ago that if he ever had any of his own, they would be trained properly from the beginning, and under his firm tutelage, they would grow to be strong and loyal contributors to society.
This Nightmare Night, however, was not going to be a time that he would remember later with fondness. So far, he’d spend most of the night chasing costumed children out of restricted areas, and then he had to explain to irate parents and/or guardians why their little hooligan was going to get locked up if they didn’t behave.
It didn’t help that Sergeant Clover Leaf was more than happy to pass out treats to the little troublemakers as an apology for “that grouchy guardpony over there.”
Still, Clover’s actions kept the miscreants at bay, so he kept his complaints to himself and focused on guarding. He was half convinced that his conversation with Chrysalis at the bar was mostly a product of the cheap gin, but the other half knew she would return, and he was going to be ready for her when she reappeared.
“Hey, Grumbleguss!” Clover gave Pokey a shove. “You gonna pout all night, or is there a chance you could at least fake a smile?”
“I’m not going to do either. I’m on duty.”
“For Celestia’s sake, Hokey. Lighten up! You’ve never been this bad before. I keep expecting you to order a kid to drop and give you twenty.”
Pokey hummed as he mulled the suggestion over for a moment.
“Serious, Hoke. Ever since the whole Chrysalis thing happened, you been one big lump of grump. I know the bug burned you bad, but you gotta get past this. I’ll bet you haven’t checked in with the shrink yet, have you?”
“Of course not. I don’t need that on my record,” Pokey said with a snort. “Anypony who talks to him gets drummed out of the Guard pretty quick, and you know it.”
“Well, you gotta do something. Eveypony in the Guard can tell this has messed you up. I know for sure that Captain Armor and Lieutenant Point are concerned. You just might get drummed out if you don’t go see the doc.”
“I’m perfectly fine,” he snapped.
“No, you’re not. You’re hurting, Hoke, and this isn’t a hurt you can just muscle through. C’mon. We’ve been best friends since basic. If you won’t do it for you, do it for me. Go get checked out.”
“Fine, fine. I’ll set up something first thing in the morning.”
“You’d better,” Clover warned. “Has Chrysalis tried to contact you at all since she turned tail and fled?”
Pokey wanted to lie so badly that it hurt. If he came clean about what had happened at the bar, he knew that Clover would read him the Riot Act and then report back to Lieutenant Spear Point about the news and his failure to act. In his brief moment of hesitation, he could see his career collapsing in a fiery heap of destruction if the truth were to be told.
But he just couldn’t do it. Not to Clover Leaf. Ever since basic, the two of them had been fire-forged friends, and their bonds were strong and deep. He’d just as soon clip his own wings as lie to her.
“Yes,” he muttered sourly. “She caught me in the Phoenix Fire a few days ago. I should have reported it, but I was so drunk that I was half-convinced I’d just hallucinated the whole thing.”
Clover had stopped walking, but to Pokey’s slight amazement and confusion, she looked concerned rather than surprised or angry. “What did she say to you?”
“Some nonsensical lie about how she never wanted to hurt me. Honestly, I don’t really remember what we said to each other.” He snorted, but then he smiled. “I do remember telling her off and to go back to her hive. Maybe she took the hint.”
“I wouldn’t count on that, my sweet babboo.”
Two spears were leveled at the changeling queen’s chest in an instant, but Chrysalis simply chuckled as the guards advanced on her. “My, my. I do hope all the little foals won’t be traumatized by this gratuitous violence.”
Pokey growled, Clover snorted, but the bug queen had a point. Their spears lifted as a pair of fillies shrieked by in a horrible moment of perfect timing, but the death glares remained unabated.
“I am not your sweet babboo,” Pokey snapped. “What are you doing here, insect?”
“Why, I am here to enjoy the party, of course! What do you think of my costume?” Chrysalis adjusted her pince-nez glasses and flashed a pleased grin. “I heard there was going to be a competition, and you know how I love contests. I’m a shoo-in to win, my sweet babboo.”
“I am not your sweet babboo!” Pokey barked.
“And then, I was thinking that you and I could go see the pumpkin patch in the gardens. I hear it’s exceptionally sincere this year, just like I am. We could share some of that spiced apple cider that your Bean made, though I’m sure it won’t taste half as good as your love does. Wouldn’t it be divine to sit out under the stars and snuggle, just like we used to? I would love to talk about our future together.”
“Oh, you mean the future where you rot in a dungeon?” Clover snarled. “That sounds like a fun one.”
“I wasn’t talking to you, Featherbrain,” Chrysalis huffed. “Don’t you have a closet to go check on somewhere?”
“Good idea! I know were all the princess-sized fly swatters are.⁽*⁾ I’ll be right back.”
⁽*⁾To be used only in case of large parasprite outbreak. Do not use on mothers, both biological and in-law, overbearing fathers, crazy uncles, or unwanted houseguests who can’t take a hint. See stores for details. —
Chrysalis simply laughed at the threat. “Oh, please. You’re just jealous that Pokey fell in love with me and not you. Give it up, sister. I’ve already won.”
“That gratuitous violence is sounding better and better by the second,” Clover snarled as her spear dropped again. “I believe Sergeant Pokey has said he loves a good kabob, too.”
“What if I did go with you?” Pokey asked slowly. “What would you do?”
There was a very long silence.
“What did you say?” Clover finally asked, but Chrysalis grinned from ear to ear.
“I knew you’d come around eventually, my sweet babboo! We have so much to do! You can help me to register for the costume contest, and then we’ll get some of that cider. It’s a shame it has to be just plain cider, what with all the little crumb suckers running around, but we’ll make do all the same.”
“You can’t be serious, Sergeant!” Clover protested.
“I’m not your sweet babboo,” Pokey reiterated to Chrysalis, then grabbed Clover and pulled her aside. “Excuse me for a minute, would you?”
“I’ll be right here, darling,” Chrysalis purred with a lick of her lips.
“Pokey, are you out of your motherbucking mind?!” Clover sharply whispered once the two of them had ducked behind a convenient statue of Princess Cadence. “She’s just going to brainwash you again! Lather, rinse, repeat, and the next time I see you, suds will be coming out of your ears!”
“This is different.”
“How?!”
“You know she’s here,” he said, “and if she’s occupied with me, she won’t try to hurt anyone else. Go tell Captain Armor about this as soon as we leave. He can decide what to do from there.”
“I don’t like this, Hoke.” Clover snorted and stomped a hoof. “She’s up to something.”
“Obviously. And as long as I’m with her, she can’t do it.” Hokey paused. “Whatever it is,” he added.
“All right. I’ll keep an eye on you two, though. You be careful.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t let her get in my head.”
“I’m not worried about her getting through your thick skull, I’m worried about your squishy bits,” she said while tapping his breastplate. “A wounded heart is extremely fragile. Don’t let her break it again.”
Pokey nodded, and when they stepped out from behind the statue, they found Chrysalis eagerly applying a layer of lip gloss. She smacked her lips and puckered up for Pokey, but he did not respond in kind to her suggestion.
“Come on, bug. Let’s get this over with,” he huffed.
Chrysalis let out a squeal of delight, and she was at his side in a flash. “This is going to be so delightful, my sweet babboo! I’m not going to leave you for anything, no matter what happens!”
Sergeant Clover Leaf stared and fumed as the pair walked down the hallway and out of sight. She felt like she had just sent her friend into the middle of a pitched battle with no weapons and no armor, and that notion made her sick to her stomach. In a battle of wits, Hokey was tragically unarmed, and he was marching off to the fight without a single clue.
Clover then turned and quickly began to trot away. Captain Armor needed to be told about this right away. And Celestia. And Bean. And particularly Luna. And maybe Twilight.
But not Cadence. Oh, no. The last pony in Equestria who needed to know that Chrysalis was running around the castle was the Princess of Love.
Had Clover remained in the hallway, though, she soon would have noticed that the statue of Princess Cadence was exceptionally twitchy. A few moments later, and she would have been able to watch the statue come to life and step down from the pedestal.
For a few seconds, Cadence chewed on her granite bottom lip, her stone eyes set on the path that Pokey and Chrysalis had taken.
“I don’t know if I should cheer or cry,” she muttered.
She followed them anyway.
* * 🎃 * *
“I don’t like this,” Bean grumbled, his bat wings fully extended as he paced the length of the empty office. “I don’t like this one bit. We should grab her now and throw her in the dungeons. No, she could escape. Luna, there’s still a vacancy on the moon, right?”
“Bean, I would normally agree with you in this matter,” Luna said with a thoughtful frown. “Chrysalis has proven to be one of our greatest adversaries. However, Princess Cadence and my sister are right. This is a most interesting development, and we must stay our hoof for now and watch.”
Bean snorted and grumbled as he glanced up to his wife. “C’mon, she tried to melt my brain! Do you really want to just let her prance around Canterlot, doing who knows what?”
“Yes, my love,” Celestia replied. “I know this is difficult, and I am highly dubious of her intents, just as you are. But there is a possibility that—”
“No there isn’t,” Bean cut her off. “She can’t change. She’s a changeling!” He hesitated. “You know what I mean.”
“Thorax changed,” Celestia noted.
“That’s different,” he huffed.
“How?”
Bean did not have a good reason, so he simply snorted. “Because it is.”
“My love, Chrysalis won’t be able to get to you again. You know of the new protections that have been put in place, and thanks to Captain Trigger’s warning, the entire Royal Guard is on alert. The unicorn guards can easily run a detection scan on all visitors to the palace, and the pegasus patrols can be stepped up.
“And on top of that, you have me,” Celestia said with a kiss to his cheek. “I will remain by your side and protect you from her or anything else that would dare to threaten our family.”
“There is only one thing that is more fearsome than an angry, pregnant mare,” Luna noted with a grin. “You have seen for yourself the level of destruction Celly is capable of. Consider also that I am here, and I am loathe to allow anything to harm my beloved brother-in-law.”
Bean glanced up to Luna, but then he snickered slightly. “Sorry. I don’t think anypony ever thought they’d hear Nightmare Moon say she has a beloved brother-in-law, let alone offer protection to him.”
“All the more reason for your enemies to cower in fear!” Luna cackled in the Royal Canterlot Voice, and she reared up in perfect timing with a distant flash of lightning and a roll of thunder.
“You enjoy doing that way too much,” Bean said with a laugh. “All right. I would still rather have Chrysalis turned into stone or something, but I’ll trust both of you. I’d feel better if we did something to protect Sergeant Pokey, too.”
“We will, my love,” Celestia said. “Shining Armor and Lieutenant Point have already put protections in place. He will be safe from her machinations.”
“Well, some of them,” a literally stone-faced Cadence said softly. “We can protect his mind and his body, but his heart…”
“That doesn’t reassure me,” Bean said with a sour frown.
“Uncle Bean, I really think both of them fell in love during her time as Bluebelle. Why else would she risk coming here tonight, especially as herself? Why in the stars would he consent to go with her? Neither of them want to admit it, but all of the signs are there. If it were not for that, I’d be charging up the ‘one-way trip to the moon’ magic right now. She hurt me deeply too, and I’d much rather see her gone. But…” Cadence turned her head slightly to look Bean in the eyes. “Most ponies did not believe you and Aunt Celly could really love each other, and you proved them wrong. If there’s a chance, even slim, that these two can find happiness, we deserve to let them try.”
“And there’s a very good chance that she could corrupt him,” Bean pointed out.
“There is, so we must proceed cautiously. But if she can be reformed, we should give her the chance, shouldn’t we?”
“You sound like Celly,” Bean grumbled. “Dad told me a stallion marries a mare in the hopes she never changes. A mare marries a stallion in order to change him. And they’re both wrong. In this case, more than ever!” He took a deep breath, held it for a short time, and let it out. “I still don’t like this at all. There’s too many ways it could go wrong. But I guess we’ll let it play out and see what happens.”
A knock came at the door as Shining Armor quickly entered, and he gave a quick bow. “Everything is in place, Your Highnesses. If Chrysalis so much as sneezes, the guard will be there with a kerchief. I’ll get a full report of her every last movement in the morning, and every hour on the hour after that.”
“Good,” Celestia said with a grin. “I like your costume, by the way.”
Shining shared a smile with Bean. “Well, Prince Bean costumes are popular this year, so I figured I should join in. I’m going to run for it if you try to kiss me, though.”
Bean’s wings folded down as he reached out and touched Shining’s replica of his Celestial Crystal. “Is this real crystal? It looks like it is.”
“It is, but it’s the fragile stuff that usually just gets thrown out,” Shining said. “It’ll break if it hits anything or if I drop it. Still, it works well enough for tonight.”
“That it does,” Bean remarked just as another knock came at the door. “And I bet that’s Trixie, trying to tell us that it’s time for the costume contest. We should probably get back to the party.”
“Indeed,” Celestia said. “The guests will worry if we are gone for too long.”
* * 🎃 * *
“Attention, Everypony!” Shining’s voice rang out over the party. “The costume contest will now begin! All competitors to the front of the hall, please!”
Chrysalis squealed with delight and gave Pokey a playful nudge. “Watch this, my sweet babboo. I’m going to win this thing, and your Bean won’t even realize it’s me! Isn’t it so delightful?”
“I’m not your sweet babboo,” Pokey grumbled.
“Now, you stay right here,” Chrysalis continued without missing a beat. “I’ll be right back with my first place prize, and then you and I will go celebrate.”
“Don’t hold your breath,” he shot back.
Chrysalis ignored his snide comment and pranced up to the front of the hall. Now that she had her Pokey back by her side, her mind was swimming with delightfully wicked plans for revenge against Sunbutt and that Bean, and the victory was going to be sweeter than that sappy puppy love stuff that always gave her heartburn. Soon, she would be able to gain everything she had lost and more, and there would be nothing to stop her this time.
Her smile grew larger as she looked over her competition. There were few Prince Beans in the lineup, a witch, something that looked like a bloated bumblebee, several princesses of all varieties, one changeling drone who looked suspiciously like Kevin, and that one adventurer pegasus, Yearling Do or whatever her name was.
Chrysalis shook her head and chuckled with delight. There was no way that anypony could beat a Changeling Queen costume as real as hers. This contest was already all but won.
“For tonight’s contest, our judges will be Prince Baked Bean, Princess Celestia, and Nightmare Moon herself,” Shining announced. “Good luck, everypony!”
Chrysalis buzzed her wings and stood a bit taller as the judges started with the pony in the pith helmet and began to work their way towards her, but her mind switched from revenge to curiosity as she waited. How had that Bean managed to defeat her magic? With the boost she had gotten from his love for Sunbutt, his mind should have been turned into tapioca pudding within a day or so, yet he had somehow resisted and then removed the corruption with no ill effects. The newspapers had given no details on the matter, and when she had returned to the hive, Bob and Mandible only knew about how he had been found after his escape.
Maybe she was losing her touch? No, that was impossible. It was something she was going to look into, now that she had her Pokey again. Perhaps her reluctant guard would be willing to offer some insider insight on the matter.
The not-really-disguised queen flashed a toothy grin as the trio of judges finally made it to her. Sunbutt and that Bean frowned deeply as they glanced her over, but Nightmare Moon returned the grin with a degree of wicked delight that Chrysalis did not think any Princess had the capacity to have. It was like the Mare in The Moon was thinking of all the varied ways there were to torture and dissect her, and whether a bug would taste better roasted over an open flame on a spit or slowly baked in a basalmic vinegar marinade.
The two of them could have made wonderful allies, had Luna not been purged of her Nightmarish ways. It was a shame it was all just an act.
A very convincing act, to be honest. So convincing, in fact, that Chrysalis’ grin began to falter, and she decided to retreat back to her Pokey as soon as possible.
“I have to say, this is a very convincing costume,” Bean said. “So real, in fact, that I feel like ordering the guards to arrest you. The only thing wrong is the glasses.”
“What can I say?” Chrysalis said with a giggle. “I have a knack for appearances.”
“So it would seem,” Celestia added. “It would be a shame if this appearance was your last, wouldn’t it?”
The queen’s giggle turned nervous. “Why would this be my last appearance?”
“Because if you were Chrysalis, and if you tried to harm anypony, I would be forced to accept Nightmare Moon’s suggestions on how to punish you.”
“Oh? That sounds rather risqué. Perhaps I should do something, then.”
Chrysalis regretted her words as soon as she said them. Nightmare Moon’s face lit up in anticipation, and it was clear that the punishments that she had in mind would be anything but enjoyable.
“I would advise against that,” Celestia said. “However, I think we’ve seen enough. Shall we determine the winner, my love?”
The three slowly walked away, and Chrysalis nearly bolted back to her Pokey. That had not gone how she had wanted it to. There was probably some sort of irony in the fact that she wanted one of Sunbutt’s guards to protect her from Sunbutt, but she was too unnerved to figure out how or why.
After a few minutes, that Bean stepped up on his throne, flared his bat wings, and flashed his own fang-filled smile. “All right! After careful consideration, the Princesses and I have selected a winner. All of your costumes are fantastic, and it was difficult to select the best one. Let’s give the contestants a round of applause, everypony!”
The crowd stomped and cheered for a moment with the batty Prince, but then eager eyes followed Celestia the Wonderbolt as her magic held up the third place ribbon.
“In third place, we have selected Witch Hazel!” Bean announced, and another round of cheers came as the witch pony stepped up and cheerfully accepted her prize. “In second place, the changeling drone!”
Chrysalis glared as the little traitor buzzed forward and accepted his ribbon. If that was Kevin, she was going to have some stern words for her wayward subject at the next safety meeting.
“And in first place, with an amazing act to go with her amazing costume…”
Chrysalis preened as she began to walk forward.
“...Daring Do!”
“WHAT?!” Chrysalis screeched as the winning mare blinked rapidly.
Chrysalis gnashed her teeth in frustration as the Daring Do look-alike stepped forward. “Are you serious? Did I really win?”
“You did, Miss Do,” Bean happily announced as Nightmare Moon presented the large and ornate first place ribbon to her. “Your costume is amazing! You’ll have to tell me how you managed to pull it off.
“Now, for the rest of our contestants, we have a small prize for you as well,” Bean continued. “Please wait for just a moment, and Miss Lulamoon will present them to you.”
* * 🎃 * *
“Ninth Place!” Chrysalis fumed, her magic waving the pitiful ribbon she’d been given in the air like it was a poisonous serpent. “Can you believe that, my sweet babboo? That klutz took first, and I got ninth! How dare they insult me like this!”
“I’m not your sweet babboo,” Pokey said through a chuckle as they walked outside and into a carefully manicured pumpkin patch. “And I think it’s hilarious. It’s what you deserve.”
“Even that stupid bumblebee beat me!” Chrysalis snarled. “Oh, Sunbutt and that Bean are going to pay for this one! I refuse to be treated so unfairly!”
“Don’t you even think it,” Pokey warned, his grip tightening on his spear. “I still enjoy a good kabob.”
Chrysalis wanted to snap off a withiring retort, but she found herself unable to when she met his perfect, piercing blue eyes. “Oh, fine. I’ll leave them alone, but only because you asked nicely, my sweet babboo.”
“Not your sweet babboo,” Pokey said wearily. “Why are you still here, anyway? The party is almost over.”
“Because you are here, my Hokey,” Chrysalis said. “I did say that I wasn’t going to leave your side, didn’t I?”
“Look, bug, I don’t know what’s going on in that empty head of yours, but I’m not going to rush back into your embrace just because you showed up. You hurt me, badly. That’s not something I’m going to just forgive and forget.”
“Oh, come now, dearest. I think we just got off on the wrong hoof,” she replied with a sultry grin. “Sure, I may have been a bit secretive when we first met, but now you know the full truth. I really think that you and me could be we again, if you’d just give it a chance.”
Hokey Pokey glared at her for several long moments. “You really believe there can be something between us again, don’t you?”
“Don’t you?”
Hokey Pokey snorted. “No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do,” Chrysalis said in a sing-song tone. “You can’t hide your feelings from me, my sweet babboo. I can taste everything you’re feeling right now: there’s the sharp spice of anger, mostly, and that delightful sweet-and-sour that is confusion. But underneath those, there’s that soft slice of hope, like one of Celestia’s treasured cakes, and even though you’re trying to bury it deep, I can still taste the ever-so-slight pureness of love in there. You want to hate me. You’re forcing yourself to hate me, willing yourself into an angry furor. But no matter how hard you try, that little pearl of love is still there. It’s faint, but it’s stubborn, just like you. You want us to be together again.”
“What I want,” Pokey growled, “is dead and gone. I fell in love with an illusion; a fantasy. The only reason you feel any love is because you’re tasting what remained for Bluebelle.”
“Really?” Chrysalis stepped closer, and a smile came when he did not retreat. “Shall we test that little theory of yours?”
Before Pokey could react, Chrysalis leaned in and planted her lips on his.
And with a stomp of his rear hoof, he begrudgingly began to enjoy the experience.
“Ah, see?” Chrysalis purred when she pulled away. “You enjoyed that.”
“Shut up,” he snarled, his spear skewering a hapless pumpkin.
“And I can give you more,” she cooed. “Lots more. Quit fighting it, my sweet babboo. Give in to your feelings.”
“Shut up!” he roared, his wings flaring out as his tail lashed his haunches. “Shut up, shut up! You’re just going to use me again! You don’t care about me! You bugs only care about your own stupid selves!”
“I want you, Sergeant,” Chrysalis whispered in the moonlight, “and I have never said that to any living creature before. You want me to be honest? There it is. Now are you going to be honest with me?”
Chrysalis was surprised at herself and her willingness to reveal that truth. In all of her years of deception and subterfuge, she had never confessed her real feelings to anyone.
It felt nice to actually say it, though.
“I hate you,” Pokey finally growled. “I hate your lies, I hate how you used me, and I hate what you’re doing now. I hate everything about this.
“But I want what we had before,” he finally confessed. “And as ridiculous as all of this is, I can’t deny there’s a possibility we could have it again.”
“Does that mean?” Chrysalis squealed, but her excitement was cut off by his hoof in her face.
“No. I’m not going to let you break my heart again. If you want me back, then you’re going to have to bust your little bug butt to earn it, and it ain’t going to be easy.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Chrysalis said with a lick of her lips. “When I want something, I get it. You’ll see.”
* * 🎃 * *
“I don’t like this,” Bean said with a snort. “She’s just going to hurt him again. She doesn’t care about him at all.”
Shining nodded as they watched the changeling queen and the steadfast sergeant from their position on the balcony above them. “Honestly, I agree with you, but if they are getting back together, it makes it easy to keep track of her. I’ll make sure she doesn’t brainwash him again, and he’s going to be giving frequent updates on their conversations. Our wives might find this to be interesting, but I think it’s a trap. This time, though, we’re going to make sure it snaps on her, not us.”
“Well, apart from her unwelcome presence, this was a rather fun party,” Bean said as they stepped away from the railing. “Maybe next year I’ll dress up like you.”
“I’d be honored,” Shining said with a grin. “And Celestia can dress up like Cadence. I’ll go as you again, and Cady can go as Celestia. We’ll see if anypony notices a difference.”
“I hope so,” Bean chuckled. “You will always fill the part of Prince better than I ever will.”
“Bean, my love?” Celestia’s dulcet voice drifted out and caressed the smaller prince’s ears. “Could you come help me with my costume?”
Bean felt a burning in his cheeks as Shining Armor laughed and smacked his shoulder. “I get the feeling that the party is just getting started.”
“And may it last all night long for both of us,” he offered before trotting inside. “Coming, Celly!”
Mister Bean allowed himself a contented sigh as he placed the dustpan and broom back in the gym’s storage closet. “That cleanup went a lot faster than I expected it to.”
“The students here have always been very helpful about tidying up after school events,” Principal Celestia replied with a grin. “I, for one, am just happy that this event did not involve any literal she-demons.”
“I dunno. Sunset Shimmer’s costume was pretty convincing,” Bean pointed out. “It’s little wonder she won the contest.”
“I personally thought Bulk Biceps had the best one, but no matter,” she said as her eyes wandered over him. “Perhaps we should have a staff contest next year. Your costume is quite remarkable and authentic.”
“You think so?” Bean asked, and he reached back to pull the edge of his blood red cape in front of his face. “But vould you expect any less from ze feared Count Dracula? Blah, blah, blah!”
“I suppose not.” Celestia giggled. “Where did you find that costume, anyway?”
“I actually found everything at the local thrift stores,” Bean said with a tug on his sleeve. “I did have to add the ruffles to the shirt, though.”
“That is quite resourceful. Maybe I should have you assist me with my costume selection next year.”
“Oh, yours is not all that bad,” Bean offered with a cough.
“You’re cute, but you’re also a horrible liar,” Celestia said as they walked towards the exit. “This was the last thing available when I went to the store. I totally forgot to buy something else sooner.”
Bean took a quick moment to look over Celestia’s costume, and it was obvious she was telling the truth. He had seen hundreds of similar cheap rabbit costumes in nearly every store he’d been to over the last two months, but this particular one was about three sizes too big for her frame. The thing was nothing more than a dull swath of dingy polyester ‘fur’ with oversized feet that looked like clown shoes.
The worst part of it was the hood of the costume, because the deformed and badly-stitched face could send small children screaming in fear. The packages proclaimed that after the holiday, the ensemble could be worn as pajamas, but Bean had no idea why anybody would subject themselves to such torture.
“I’m sure we can find you something better together,” Bean offered, but then he shrunk back slightly. “Um, that is, if I’m still around next year.”
“I don’t see why you would not be. I am most pleased with your performance so far,” Celestia replied with a wink. “You handle your job well, too.”
Bean felt his cheeks ignite, but a pleased grin came as he stammered out a ‘thank you.’
“Well, I suppose we should return to our homes now,” Celestia continued. “This costume is extremely itchy, and I would like to get out of it as soon as possible.”
“Yeah, I guess we should.” Bean pushed open the gym door and allowed Celestia to exit first. “Good thing tomorrow is Saturday, eh?”
“Indeed.” Celestia patted the front of her costume where her pockets would usually be, and then glanced down with a frown. “Oh, right. I left my keys in my office. Mister Bean, could I ask a favor of you?”
“Go get your keys?” he quipped.
“Actually, I was going to ask if you would escort me to my house. The trick-or-treaters always tend to be a bit crazy, and my neighborhood is full of them. You don’t have to, of course, but…”
“I can walk you home, no problem.” Bean said with a thought forming in his head. Maybe there was a way to ask Celestia to join him for a late-night run to Sugarcube Corner, or perhaps they could go see one of the old B-movie horror flicks that were playing at the local theater. He didn’t really care what they did, just as long as he could spend a bit more time with the insightful and beautiful administrator.
Any time spent with Celestia was time well invested, in his opinion.
“Thank you,” Celestia said as they walked to her office. “I appreciate your kindness.”
Bean scoffed with a bashful grin. “It’s my pleasure, entirely.”
The two chatted a bit about next month’s meal plans as they made their way to the office, but the information shared was nothing more than a confirmation of what had already been decided. Once there, Bean waited out in the main lobby while Celestia went after her keys, but he did take a moment to swipe some of the chocolate caramel balls from the bowl on Wysteria’s desk. The dutiful secretary would chide him for it later, but her threats were impossible to take seriously when she would start grinning like a Cheshire cat halfway through any of her rants. Besides, she had said she was trying to watch her weight, so he was really helping her, in the end.
“Mister Bean?” Celestia called out. “Did you happen to see that report on last month’s milk usage?”
“Yeah, I did,” Bean replied as he picked up the framed picture of Wysteria and her boyfriend and tried to remember his name. Quillpoint, wasn’t it? “I didn’t realize chocolate milk would be so popular. I’ll make sure to double the order next time I send it in.”
“That should solve the problem.” Celestia jingled her keys. “And I’m ready to go.”
“Hey, I know this is kinda last minute, but I was wondering if…” Bean froze when he turned and made eye contact with Celestia.
“Wondering what, Mister Bean?”
Bean was now wondering if he would melt, combust, or simply have a massive nosebleed.
Somehow, in less than a minute, Principal Celestia had discarded her horrible rabbit costume for something far more revealing. The dingy, dull pajama jumper had been replaced with a white corset and black nylon hose, the oversized clown feet swapped for a pair of elegant white pumps, and the horrible hood was long forgotten as Bean stared at the white bunny ears that playfully protruded into the air.
Celestia took a moment to fluff the cotton tail on the back of her new costume, straighten the pink bow tie and collar that hung snugly against her neck, and then toss her multihued tresses with a shake of her head. She then offered Bean a nervous smile, and both hands went to her hips in an awkward attempt at a pose.
“There. This is much better, wouldn’t you agree?”
Bean tried to jam his head into any forward gear, but Celestia’s costume prevented him from stepping on the clutch pedal. It did occur to him that the only way Celestia could have changed so quickly was if she had been wearing this bunny costume under her other bad costume all night long.
That revelation did not help his thought processes.
“You know, I hate to have the evening end so soon,” Celestia said, one hand gently folding over the other. “My sister did say she was going to host an after-school party, and she wanted me to bring a friend if I came. Would you care to accompany me?”
“Why on earth are you dressed like that?”
It wasn’t an intelligent question, nor did it appear to be a question that Celestia wanted to hear. Almost instantly, a bright crimson flared across her cheeks, and she began to wring her hands as her gaze went to Bean’s shoes.
“Well, I thought you might like… I mean, I was just trying to… I’m sorry, Mister Bean. Give me a minute, I’ll change back.”
When Baked Bean had been on the long distance track team in high school, his coach had explained to him that the greatest success could be had by knowing when to hold back and when to sprint. It was a tricky thing to master: sprint too soon or too much, and you would not have the energy needed for the end of the race, but hold back for too long, and you would never be able to make up your deficit. It had taken an immense amount of practice, trial, and error, but eventually Baked Bean had mastered the craft and taken first in the state championships.
And at that very moment, Baked Bean realized he had but a few precious seconds to act. If he held back now, his relationship with Principal Celestia would suffer, and it would be nearly impossible to regain the ground that would be lost.
“Woah, hey, wait a minute.” Bean sprinted over to Celestia, and he grabbed her hand before she could retreat fully into her office. “That did not come out right, and I’m sorry. You just caught me by surprise, that’s all. I think you look wonderful.”
“You don’t have to lie to save my feelings, Mister Bean.” Celestia attempted to pull free, but the lack of real effort indicated she wanted Bean to continue.
“I’m not lying. I really and truly think this is an amazing costume, and that’s why I blurted out that question. We haven’t been dating for very long, and yet you’re comfortable with dressing like this for me?”
The principal hesitated, but then she took a step towards Bean. One hand moved up to pull some stray hair from her face, but her eyes still remained on the floor. “Well, yes. Luna suggested the idea, but I felt like you would appreciate this small treat from me.”
“It is rather bold,” he said while trying his hardest not to look down.⁽*⁾ “But you must have a great deal of trust in me to do this.” ⁽*⁾For very long, at least. There was far too much distracting cleavage at that level. —
Bean shuffled slightly to properly hold both of Celestia’s hands, and he offered what he hoped was a reassuring smile as she glanced up. “This is the best treat I’ve ever gotten. It makes all the candy I ever got as a kid look like a giant pile of cauliflower, and when a chef makes that comparison, that’s really saying something. Thank you for trusting me enough to share it, and I apologize most profusely for hurting you.”
Celestia giggled a bit as Bean pulled another stray bit of hair out of her face. “Thank you, Bean. I was really hoping you would like this. I felt so ridiculous when I put this on this morning, you know. This is the kind of stunt my students pull on each other.”
“Honestly, I like a good surprise every now and then. You’re a lot more mischievous than I expected.”
“That’s a good thing, right?” Celestia asked with a small grin.
“It’s a very good thing. To answer your previous question, I was going to ask you if you would care to join me in some late-night activity, and this party of Luna’s does sound like fun. I would love to accompany you, if the offer still stands.”
“It does,” Celestia replied as she stepped in and hugged Bean, “and thank you. This really means a lot to me. I appreciate your honesty.”
Bean slowly wrapped his arms around the scantily-clad principal, but despite the wild beating of his heart, he found that he rather liked having Celestia this close. It was almost like having a cup of perfectly heated hot chocolate to sip during a cold winter’s storm while being bundled up in a fluffy, silky blanket, but yet so much richer and fuller.
“This is nice,” Celestia softly whispered into his ear as her cheek came to rest on his shoulder. “I’ve never been hugged like this before. It’s like I’m wearing the world’s most comfortable sweater.”
Bean’s heart broke a little to think that Sombra had never held her like this. How could someone be so cold and emotionless? Day by day, and moment by moment, Bean found his heart growing ever fonder of this surprisingly tender woman. To hurt her in any way was simply unthinkable, even inconceivable to a degree.
After a few moments of this delight, Celestia slowly pulled away and smiled brightly. “We should get going. Luna will send Star out to find us if we take too long, and we’ll never hear the end of it if he catches us like this.”
“You know, I don’t think I’d care,” Bean said. “But I do have a question.”
“Oh?” Celestia took Bean’s hand in hers, and together, they moved towards the main exit. “What’s that?”
“Well, you had this bunny costume on under that bad rabbit this whole time, and Luna’s clown costume was pretty hideous, too. Does that mean…”
Celestia giggled and playfully bumped him with her hip. “I believe Star’s reaction to Luna’s new Harley Quinn costume will be similar to yours. There is only one way to know for sure, however.”
“Oh, I have got to see this,” Bean said with a snicker.
This was an unfamiliar feeling for the beloved leader of ponykind. For centuries, the finest chefs had been at her beck and call, and even in marriage, the daytime diarch had access to the most succulent of treats with just a soft spoken word and a kiss. Baked Bean was willing and able to produce anything she desired, and he would always double the order since his cherished wife was eating for two.
But if the truth were to be told, Celestia felt a bit guilty about this arrangement. Her dear husband was twisting himself into a pretzel for her—come to think of it, a pretzel would hit the spot. Anyway, she was beginning to privately worry that she was asking too much of him, despite his constant attempts to satiate her every desire. For food, that is. Mostly.
It seemed to be cheating on her part. After all, they had met because he was trying to get away from being a cook.
It also didn’t help that Celestia didn’t know what she was hungry for. She had mentioned to Bean before laying down for the night that she was peckish, but his numerous snack suggestions had all been met with indifference. In the end, she had gotten into a gentle tickle fight with her husband, emerged victorious due in no small part to her access to feathers, and then settled into bed with the assurance that she would have a large breakfast in the morning.
Three hours later, her bladder had awoken her with an urgency like nothing else she’d ever experienced, so since she was awake anyway, she decided to follow her nose towards a stealthy midnight snack.
After taking care of the more pressing issue, of course.
She paused for just a moment when Bean stirred in bed, but she smiled and made sure he was tucked snugly into their quilt before silently moving towards the door. With the recent upheavals and changes in the Bean family, Garbanzo and Lima had decided that the family restaurant was long overdue for a renovation, and that naturally meant that new kitchen appliances needed to be procured. A timely convention in Salt Lick offered the Duke and Duchess an opportunity to look over all of the newest gadgets and gizmos for food preparation, and since Bean was still a part-owner, it was only natural that he and his wife should be included in the selection process. Tomorrow promised to be a busy day for both of them, and the Princess wanted to make sure her beloved was well-rested and ready for anything.
Besides, if he stayed in bed, he would keep the blankets warm until she returned. With the nights growing ever colder, she was grateful for the adorable yellow space heater that kept her warm and cozy.
Celestia then slunk to her door, made a note to have the hinges oiled when they protested about having to work at such a late hour, and slid into the hallway. Normally, she would have simply teleported herself to the kitchen, but Doctor Horsenpfeffer still had her on light magic only, and she knew better than to irk her personal physician. Besides, she felt a bit of a thrill at the prospect of sneaking towards her goal, so with a nod to the guards posted at either side of her door, she began to slink into the dark.
The posted night guards pretended to not see her as she tiphooved towards her goal. Every member of the Royal Guard had been a witness to at least one attack on the kitchen’s stores by princesses of all varieties—sometimes in tandem and sometimes with a faithful student—and every last one of them realized that these assaults would only increase as Celestia’s pregnancy progressed.
They also knew that if they valued their jobs, they would not interfere in any way, shape, or form.
“The night is calm, and all is still,” Celestia began to sing under her breath with devious glee. “And right now, I feel a thrill! Staying silent, and out of sight, Like a shadow in the night.
“I creep along, without a sound, Alert to all that is around. A tasty treat is what I crave, And so the kitchens I will raid.
“I will not falter, nor will I fear, Since my sister is nowhere near. Some applesauce might do the trick, Or perhaps a carrot stick. A bunch of grapes, piled high in a bowl, I will eat as guided by my foal.”
“As guided by her foal,” a trio of guards harmonized as she swept past them. “As guided by her foal!”
“Another left, another right, and now the kitchen is in sight! Soon I will feast with no restraint, and my tummy will cease complaint.
“I shall not tell my beloved Bean of what ends up in my whipped cream, but whatever I eat tonight will only be what brings delight.
“And now the kitchen is all mine! All the sweets will be sublime! I may eat until the dawn, and my rice will have saffron. Some cheese here, a large egg roll, I’ll eat it all with no self control.”
“As guided by her foal,” the guards in the hall sang as Celestia moved to the nearest pantry. “As guided by her foal!”
Having successfully harmonized her way into the storeroom, Celestia eagerly nosed her way through the options that now lay before her, hoping that something would be appetizing. Something sweet sounded nice, but not anything too sweet, or maybe something salty, but not too salty.
She soon found herself considering the options that were in the nearest icebox, and an idea began to form when her wandering eyes settled on a jar of pickles. Perhaps a few of those, with some of the homemade grape jelly that Wysteria had left behind, topped with a few snack pretzels and a healthy dollop of ketchup to give everything a bit of a pop.
The Committee on Celestial Pregnancy Cravings leapt in joy at the proposal, and the meeting was swiftly adjourned as Celestia assembled her ingredients on the nearest counter. She hoped Wysteria would forgive her for taking the jelly without permission, and she knew Bean would scream in horror if he could see what she was doing, but at that moment, she was too hungry to care.
A knife was summoned, and Celestia quickly sliced a dill in half with a smack of her lips. The jelly and ketchup were applied liberally, and with eager anticipation, she stuffed her creation into her mouth and began to chew.
The resulting explosion of joy in her mouth was like a hundred of Pinkie Pie’s parties being thrown all at the same time, and her tongue was the master of ceremonies for all of them. The jar of pickles was quickly relieved of its contents—gherkins, juice and all—and the princess grunted with pleasure as she gorged herself on the most marvelous concoction to have ever been invented.
Once the pickle carnage was over, Celestia slowly licked the ketchup from the corners of her mouth as she looked over the devastation. “It was worth it,” she murmured, her magic quickly returning what remained to the icebox. “Perhaps I can convince Bean that ketchup is not all bad. Or that it’s not all bad for me, anyway.”
Having removed all evidence from the scene of her crime, Celestia licked her lips once more and stealthy began to return to her bed. Her dear Bean would probably just laugh at her when he heard about this, but for now, she would keep it a secret.
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean felt horrible.
Physically, he was fine. In fact, he and Celestia had recently received the happy news that his leg had healed enough to remove the brace, and Doctor Horsenpfeffer was confident that his continued physical therapy would restore most of the range and function that he once had. The good doctor had even suggested that Bean could take up some light jogging, and he was looking forward to burning off a few of the pounds he’d accumulated, especially if it would stop Celly’s gentle teasing about his midsection growing larger than hers.
No, this pain was an emotional pain, brought about by his own actions. He couldn’t help but feel guilty as he stood behind his cherished and beloved wife and held her mane back as she was forced to present a gift of her last meal to the porcelain throne.
Princess Celestia, the mighty ruler of a vast and prosperous land, reduced to a nauseous mess because of his actions. Between that thought and the smell of whatever she’d eaten, he was beginning to feel sick himself.
“I was really, really hoping I could avoid this part of the pregnancy,” Celestia groaned as her body gave her a brief respite. “I’m sorry I woke you, my love. This just hit me out of nowhere.”
“I was hoping you could avoid this, too,” he offered as he began to rub her back with his free hoof. “Are you feeling better now?”
Celestia gagged, and that answered his question. He continued to rub while his wife tried to empty an already empty stomach, and he gently pecked her cheek when she finished and sat up slightly.
“I think I need to ask Luna about that anti-nausea tea that she mentioned to Wysteria,” Celestia said in a soft, quivering voice. “I don’t want to be doing this for the rest of my pregnancy.”
“Me neither,” Bean offered. “Once I get you back to bed, I’ll go ask her. I’ll also have Trixie send word to my parents and let them know we can’t make it to the convention.”
“No, you should go,” Celestia said with all the firmness of an overcooked noodle. “I know both you and your parents were really looking forward to this, and I would hate to keep you away from them.”
“I can’t just leave you here,” Bean countered. “I’m the one who caused this.”
Celestia glanced up to him and flashed a weak smile. “I do believe it was a willing choice on my part, too. I knew this was a possibility from the beginning, love. Really, you should go. I’m sure Trixie could round up a hundred ponies to take care of me, if I asked. I’ll just stay here and rest. If this persists or gets worse, I’ll summon Doctor Horsenpfeffer immediately.”
“Are you sure? I’m sure my parents will understand. Mom especially.”
“Bean, I will issue a royal edict if I have to,” Celestia threatened with a slightly larger smile. “If you stay, you’ll just be sitting there, worried about me. I would prefer you worry while doing something with your family.”
“Well, if you insist,” Bean replied warily. “But I’m not going to have any fun, and I’m going to rush right back here as soon as I can.”
“I’m sure you will,” Celestia hummed with delight, leaving Bean to wonder why in Equestria he could smell ketchup somewhere.
* * ✹ * *
“Bean buddy!” Garbanzo called out as the royal carriage touched down, and he quickly removed his flat cap before giving his son a hug. “Glad you made it. I’m sorry Celestia got hit with morning sickness. Is she okay?”
“She seemed to be doing better when I left,” Bean replied with a quick hug. “I made some blueberry waffles and toast for her, and Luna promised to make sure Celly was taken care of while I’m gone. I also made her promise to send a message to Trixie if she needs me for any reason.”
“Oh! Forgive me, Miss Lulamoon,” Garbanzo said as he offered a hoof to her. “It’s good to have you here, too.”
Trixie shook the offered hoof with a smile. “Thank you. Trixie was not looking forward to tending to a sick alicorn, so I am glad you both have allowed me to come.”
“Sergeants, it’s good to see you too,” Garbanzo added. “But who’s the third one back there?”
“Private Lemon Tart,” Pokey replied. “She’s here to keep an eye on the carriage.”
“Ah! Good morning, Private!” Garbanzo called out, and Tart nodded to him with a small grin.
“Is Mom inside already?” Bean asked, and Garbanzo nodded.
“You know how she gets when she has to wait. She said she’d meet us by the ovens. Do you need me to buy tickets for you?”
“Got it covered,” Trixie said as she produced them with her magic and a smile. “The Great and Powerful Trixie was wise enough to call ahead. I have one here for the Prince, myself, and two Royal Guards.”
Garbanzo chuckled a bit while sweeping a hoof towards the main doors. “Always pays to be prepared. Shall we head in?”
Baked Bean smiled a bit as he glanced around the bustling stalls of Salt Lick’s convention center, and he took in a deep sniff of the air. One of the best parts of these conventions was the live demonstrations, and Bean was just as eager to see what new recipes he could pick up while helping to find new equipment for the Zuerst.
“So, are you looking to replace everything in the remodel, or are you going to keep some stuff?” Bean asked as he walked alongside his father.
“Your Mom and I agreed we should just replace everything, and if we can get a good deal, we’d like to get some new cookware, too. We also want to find a dishwasher, provided we don’t get one like that horrible Squeaky Clean unit that blew up on us.”
“I doubt that’ll be a problem,” Bean said while glancing around. “Where did Mom get to, anyway?”
“I’m right here, Baked,” Lima announced, making Bean yelp in alarm. “And I found a friend, too!”
“Mom! Don’t do that! I have enough heart problems with Luna lurking around,” he moaned, but then he smiled. “And hello, Pinkie!”
“Happy Tuesday, Bean!” Pinkie Pie said with a giggle as she rushed Bean and gave him a hug. “If I’d known you were coming, I would have baked a cake! It’s good to see you!”
“Good to see you too! This is an unexpected surprise. What brings you all the way out here?”
Pinke grinned sheepishly as she shot over and gave Garbanzo a hug. “Well, there may have been a teensy-weensy accident at Sugarcube Corner, and it may or may not have involved the Cake’s oven, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and a request to make a cherry pie that would be ‘the bomb.’ I kinda-sorta need to buy a new one, so I figured I should come here and find the best! How about you? You didn’t blow up an oven in the palace, did you?”
“My parents are actually looking to renovate their restaurant,” Bean replied. “A lot of the equipment in the Zuerst is over thirty years old now, and it needs to be replaced. I’m just here to advise.”
“That is awesome! I bet your restaurant will be even more fantastically great once you get it all done.” Pinkie bounded back to Bean and gave him another hug. “Say, do you mind if I tag along? I really do want to get the best oven for the Cakes, and I bet you Beans know what is the best of the best, since you cooked all of those super-tasty treats for Mung and Chowder’s wedding.”
“I don’t mind, but I’ll leave that up to Mom and Dad. They’re the ones who will be buying everything.”
“You don’t mind, do you?” Pinkie stuck out her bottom lip and began to beg with tear-rimmed eyes. “Please, please, pretty please with sugar on top?”
“I think you’re overestimating our knowledge,” Garbanzo said with a chuckle. “We’ve done a little research, but we came here so we could try things out before committing to anything. You probably know as much as we do, but you’re welcome to join us, if you’d like.”
Pinkie nearly exploded with her cheer of delight. “Thank you, Duke and Duchess Bean! I Pinkie promise to be super helpful, and to not get in the way. Now let’s get shopping!”
“Um, Bean?” Trixie slowly walked over to the prince, but with a glance back to the booth where Garbanzo and Lima stood. “They’ve been looking at that toaster for fifteen minutes now. Should Trixie be worried?”
“No, this is pretty normal for them,” Bean said with a shrug. “If you were the one paying for all new equipment, you’d want to take your time about the decision, too.”
“A toaster is a toaster. What’s there to decide? They should just pick one and be done.”
Pinkie gasped in horror, grabbed the assistant secretary, and went nose-to-nose with her. “Are you crazy?! Toasters are NOT created equally! This is one of the most important decisions the Duke and Duchess will have to make all day! They have to consider the size of the slots, how many slices of bread they want to toast at the same time, if they should get one with coils or burners, the size of the crumb tray—”
“Okay, okay! Trixie gets the idea!” Trixie peeled Pinkie’s hooves from her face and snorted. “I should have stayed at the palace.”
“Fillies and Gentlecolts!” A bombastic voice boomed out. “Right this way, right this way! Come see the latest and greatest invention in food preparation! Quickly, folks! It’s standing room only!”
“Oh, no. No way,” Bean said with a glance to Pinkie. “It can’t be those two again.”
“That’s right, folks!” a second voice shouted. “The Flim Flam Brothers have done it again! Come be among the first to join the glorious revolution! You won’t believe your eyes!”
“Flim and Flam?” Pinkie growled. “Those two crumbums!? I thought they were thrown in jail after you caught them trying to steal other people’s novels!”
“They entered a plea in abeyance,” Bean said. “Since they paid back all the bits they fraudulently earned, the judge put them on probation. I would like to think that they’re not dumb enough to try the same thing when they’re on such thin ice, but I guess old habits die hard. C’mon, we’d better go stop them before things get out of hoof.”
It only took a moment to find Flim, Flam, and their monstrous new contraption at the edge of the hall. The hulking, rectangular device had to be three times as tall as Celestia, with thick black wires snaking and weaving under large glass domes perched on tight coils of wire. A small, dubious crowd had formed by the time Bean and his friends had arrived, but all of the assembled ponies offered a bow and stepped aside.
“Ah, Your Most Royal Highness!” Flam grandly greeted as he and his brother touched their noses to the floor. “What an absolute delight to see you again!”
“What are you two up to now?” Bean cut right to the point.
“Why, we’re about to showcase the latest innovation in food preparation!” Flim proclaimed. “In just a few short moments, you will see foodstuffs cooked before your very eyes, and all without the aid of fire or flame! You will be astonished! Amazed! Astounded!”
“And this monstrosity is going to do that, somehow?” Bean gave them the doubtful glare that he had been working on with his wife. “I don’t want to hear it. I really don’t. You two just can’t help yourselves, can you?”
“Yeah!” Pinkie added. “This is going to be just like that cider machine of yours, isn’t it?”
“Your Highness,” Flim glanced to Flam, and they both removed their hats. “We make no secret of the fact that we have had a less than stellar past. You are wise to doubt us, but I assure you that we’ve mended our ways.”
“Repented!” Flam added.
“Seen the light!”
“And made the switch!” Flam picked up right where Flim had left off. “We’re honest businessponies now, and we’re honestly going to give you a show like no other! Just give us a chance, Your Highness, and we’ll prove that our Fabulous Food Fryer Two Thousand is legitimate and authentic!”
Bean let out a snort of annoyance. They wouldn’t be able to con anypony with him there, and there was a very small possibility that they were being honest. “Fine. So how is this thing supposed to work?”
“The Fabulous Food Fryer Two Thousand was created to cook any food both substantially and simultaneously,” Flim said with a grin. “By placing the item or items to be cooked here, on this lower node, our invention will heat them throughout their mass by means of the dielectric loss produced in them when they are subjected to a high voltage, high frequency field. Thus, we are able to warm the interior of the item or items, without impairing the physical properties of the outer layer, as so frequently happens when using an open flame.”
“And then you do the pony pokey and you turn yourself around,” Trixie dryly added. “That was the most meaningless bit of incoherent babbling I’ve ever heard, and believe me, I know how to babble.”
“Then let us dispense with the talking and move straight to the doing!” Flim replied. “Dear brother, would you care to do the honors?”
“Why thank you, brother mine!” Flam’s magic surged, and a large bowl loaded with ice cubes appeared. “A simple demonstration to begin, Fillies and Gentlecolts! In my magic, I hold ordinary, common ice cubes. They have not been tampered with or altered in any way. I will now place the ice cubes on the lower node, just like so, and allow the Fabulous Food Fryer to work its miraculous wonders! Flim, when you are ready, throw the switch!”
With a cackle of delight, Flim flipped a large and nasty-looking switch on the side of the device, and the crowd gasped when the machine let out a low-pitched hum, with some even stumbling back a step or two in alarm at what might happen.
The alarm turned into mass indifference as the ice melted, and one pony towards the front vocalized what they were all thinking. “Big deal! You’re using a hot plate!”
A few boos rang out as Flim held up his hooves. “Dear friends, I assure you that we have done no such thing! The lower node remains cool enough to touch, as my brother Flam is now demonstrating!”
That clearly wasn’t enough, and the crowd began to disperse with mutters of annoyance.
“Wait!” Flim cried. “What if we were to have our Prince help us with our next demonstration?”
“I’m not going to help you two swindlers,” Bean said with a deep scowl.
“Nothing like that, Your Highness,” Flim said as his magic produced three potatoes from a nearby box. “Your skill as a chef is well known, so please inspect these potatoes for any sort of tampering or modifications.”
Bean took a quick sniff, then looked at each of them carefully. “They seem normal enough, but you should really use Russet potatoes for baking. Pinkie? What do you think?”
Pinkie took one of the potatoes, looked it over, licked it, and then ‘hmm’d’ as she held it up to her ear. “Sounds like a potato to me.”
“Thank you, my friends,” Flim said as he took the spuds back. “Now! Fillies and Gentlecolts, you are all chefs of the highest caliber, so you know that to properly prepare a basic baked potato, it must be placed in an oven at four hundred twenty-five degrees for one hour. My brother and I will now show that the Fabulous Food Fryer Two Thousand can do the same job in ten minutes or less! We simply place our food on the lower node, like so, and then throw the switch!”
“I remind the audience that a mere hot plate would not be able to cook these potatoes in ten minutes,” Flam added as the machine came to life. “But with the Fabulous Food Fryer, your customers can have hot, fresh food in a fraction of the time! Imagine how wide your profit margins will be when you can deliver a meal faster than your competitors!”
“Trixie still thinks this is a scam,” Trixie said to Bean and Pinkie as Flim and Flam launched into a jazzy, choreographed musical number about how the Fabulous Food Fryer would fix all of a restaurant’s problems. “And I know scams like the back of my hoof. Even if it really does work, where are you supposed to put that thing? That’s gonna take up a whole kitchen by itself.”
“I don’t like it either,” Pinkie said with a nod. “How’s that gonna cook cupcakes, or pies, or any other yummy treats? There’s no love in it! Just zip, zap, here’s your food, now be on your way. You can’t be a good cook if you don’t take the time to care!”
Bean hesitated for a moment as the memory of the breakfast burritos that Principal Celestia had bought during his time in the youmun world came back to him, and he shuddered in disgust. “I guess this thing might be useful in a big city, like Manehattan, where you have a lot of ponies who are in a hurry. But otherwise, I agree with you both. Fast food is bound to have problems with quality and taste.”
“So, can I tell Pokey and Clover to arrest them?” Trixie asked with a predatory grin. “Trixie would love to watch the guards arrest somepony besides me for a change.”
“Well, that’s just it. They aren’t being dishonest, so far. If this Food Fryer whatever really works, then they have a legitimate product, and they have a right to sell it, just like anypony else here.” Bean paused again and glanced at the happily humming machine. “If they can afford it, that is. I’m pretty extra sure this thing isn’t cheap.”
“It’s not going to work, and they know it,” Trixie said. “They didn’t poke any holes in the potatoes, and even Trixie knows that you have to stab them, otherwise they’ll—”
A sudden pop interrupted the conversation, and before Bean could register what had happened, he and the small group were pelted by chunks of potato. A few ponies screamed, but after that, the crowd quickly turned itself into an angry mob and rushed the brothers while protesting about being hit by the starchy projectiles.
“Wait, wait!” Bean and his guard detail quickly put themselves between the brothers and the mob, and Bean held up his forehooves while Clover and Pokey flared their wings out sideways to hold everypony back. “This isn’t their fault!”
“But they made that potato explode!” somepony shouted. “And that really hurt!”
“That thing isn’t safe,” another pony cried. “Arrest them immediately!”
“There’s no way I would ever buy such a horribly deadly thing,” a pale green unicorn announced with a huff.
“Me neither!” another pony added. “C’mon, Twist, we’ve got better things to do.”
“Wait!” Flim cried out as the group dispersed. “Think of the time saved! Think of the profits you’ll make! Don’t go! What if I told you we could cook a five-course meal in under half an hour?”
The pleadings went unanswered, and the Brothers soon found themselves alone with Bean, Trixie, and Pinkie. The Prince of Equestria did feel a twinge of guilt for the pair, and he offered a sympathetic smile in an effort to ease their obvious depression.
“Look, I’m gonna let you two off the hook this time, since your invention seems to actually work,” he offered. “But make sure you stab the potatoes next time, to release the steam. You might want to figure out some way to cover what you’re cooking, too. That way, if it does explode, at least it won’t hurt anypony.”
“Our good sovereign makes an excellent point, Flim,” Flam said. “Perhaps if we could create a box of some sort.”
“A box with a window on the door, so ponies can watch the food as it cooks,” Flim added while scratching his chin.
“It would help if it was smaller, too,” Trixie added. “That thing is way too big.”
“You should really think up a new name for it, too,” Pinkie chimed in. “Since it cooks things fast, you should give it a fast name!”
Flim glanced to Flam, and the two of them shared a knowing smile. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Flam?”
“I think I am, Flim. It’s back to the drawing board time!” Flam grabbed one of Bean’s hooves, Flim grabbed the other, and both began to shake furiously. “Your Highness, we can’t thank you enough for you help today. Once again, you have proven your wisdom and kindness, and we will forever be grateful for what you have done. If you ever need us for any reason, we would be honored to repay you however we can.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, and thank you,” Bean said. “Good luck with your device.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean approached the doors to his chambers with a great deal of trepidation, and he swallowed hard. The meet-and-greet at the convention had lasted much longer than he’d anticipated, and now he was several hours overdue. His guilt had doubled up on itself during the flight home as he’d thought of his beloved Celestia, fighting a miserable battle against morning sickness while he was enjoying a day out with his parents, and it wasn’t hard for him to imagine that she would be displeased with his tardiness.
“Celly?” he meekly offered as he pushed the door open. “I’m sorry I’m so late. Are you okay?”
There was no reply from the dim interior of his room, and Bean swallowed hard again as he peered around. His dear wife was standing by their bed, and she gave him a very serious look, without even the smallest hint of a smile. His eyes flicked to the nightstand to check how late he really was, then his gaze was drawn back to those stern magenta eyes.
She slowly crossed the room, her expression unchanging, and though Bean held his ground, he flexed back and withered under her intense glare. After a moment, she moved to within a hair’s breadth, and when she spoke, her voice was cool and firm.
“You smell of mare.”
She continued to move closer, until her nose was buried in his messy mane. She sniffed, paused, and then inhaled a deep, deep breath. “Many mares,” she clarified with her nose still in his mane.
All Bean could see was the brilliant white of her coat from where her warm neck was likewise pressed solidly against his nose, with the scent of bluebells and sunflowers flooding his senses. “There were a lot of mares at the convention, so…”
“You have no idea how much this makes me desire you.” Celestia breathed into one ear with a commanding voice and the tickle of teeth on the small hairs of his ear. “It makes me want to cover you with my own scent as a warning to lesser mares, so everypony will know you are owned by the Day,” she finished with a small nip at the tip of his ear.
“I take it this means you’re feeling better?” he whispered.
A deep growl of desire rumbled out of her chest. “Much, much better. Luna’s tea has removed all of my nausea, and Doctor Horsenpfeffer is convinced that there is nothing amiss.
“So here is what will happen now,” she continued as she pulled back and gave him a devious grin. “As ‘punishment’ for your tardiness, you will now spend the evening attending to my desires. In return, I promise that you will be given a most generous reward that will last for several hours.”
“I think I can live with that,” he said with a waggle of his eyebrows. “And what is my Princess’ first command?”
“You shall cook a meal for me,” she whispered. “I am famished.”
Bean retreated slightly and pouted. “Really? I mean, you don’t want to, y’know…”
“Oh, you’re going to have to earn that tonight.” Celestia stood at her full height and grinned like a mad mare. “If your cooking pleases me, I might indulge you.”
Bean smiled. “I accept your challenge. How do you feel about baked potatoes?”
Princess Celestia groaned as her husband began to bounce on the bed, and she pulled a pillow over her head. “Bean, you are this close to spending Hearth’s Warming on the moon. What time is it?”
“Three hours before dawn. Oh, don’t pout! Santa Hooves is watching, you know. He’ll put you on the naughty list for sure with that kind of attitude.”
“He’ll understand the ‘why.’ Besides, he owes me a favor or five,” she grumbled, and then she groaned. “Ugh. I think I have a clove stuck up my nose somewhere. If that’s what your family Meganog recipe is like without alcohol, I shudder to think of what next year will bring when you make the real thing.” She gave a brief muffled burp, and ran her tongue around the inside of her mouth. “It’s going to be a month before everything stops tasting like peppermint nutmeg. Nilla is going to be born burping.”
“I did try to warn you about how strong it was going to be. We Beans don’t fool around with our nogs.”
Celestia peeked one eye, and a small grin came as she found her husband’s nose at the end of her own. Her Bean was as eager for Hearth’s Warming as a foal, and she just couldn’t be upset with him. She just needed to control that enthusiasm, somehow, and then release it in a safe and non-destructive manner.
“You are horrible,” she gently offered. “Waking your princess in such a rude manner. Whatever shall I do with you?”
“Turn me loose on Canterlot so I burn off some of this energy?” he offered.
“The city may not survive the encounter,” she giggled. “Are you always like this on Hearth’s Warming?”
Bean nodded. “I can’t help it. Hearth’s Warming is such a wonderful time of year, with all of the gifts, and the parties, and the gifts, and the food, and the gifts…”
“So the truth comes out.” Celestia gave her husband a quick kiss, then began to rise with several pops and groans. Doctor Horsenpfeffer said that pregnancy came with relaxed connective tissue to assist with the birthing process, but her joints popped more than a bowl of popcorn when she got out of bed now. “I, for one, am looking forward to the long winter’s nap that the fables of old always talk about. But if I don’t get up, I suppose I can’t give you your present.”
“I wouldn’t be able to give you mine, either.” Bean bounded off the bed and rushed to the small Hearth’s Warming tree in the corner of their room.
Celestia’s groans and pains immediately gave way to a deep swell of joy. “You got me a present?”
“Several, actually. I had to send Trixie out to get a few of them.” Bean pulled a thin present from underneath and returned to her side. “Care to open one a little bit early?”
Celestia giggled with glee, and she took a moment to admire the festive red wrapping and silver bow. “I almost don’t want to. This paper is beautiful.”
“Luna found that, actually,” Bean noted while Celestia began to carefully unwrap the present. “She was nice enough to let me borrow some. I hope you like it.”
“Oh, Bean!” Celestia smiled as she pulled the striped scarf and knit cap from the box, and she held them up to her cheek. “They’re so soft! Thank you!”
Bean’s smile went from ear to ear. “You mentioned the other day that the cold was getting to you more this year. I thought this might help with that.”
Celestia wrapped the candy-cane colored scarf around her neck, and she played with the long white tassels for a moment before giving Bean another kiss. “It’s perfect. This should keep me very warm.”
“I hope so. That’s pure alpaca wool, so it should do the trick.”
“Ah, so that’s why you snuck away to speak with Ambassador Pastern.” Celestia pulled him into a hug, and her magic teleported a santa hat onto his head. “It’s wonderful, my love. Thank you. Do you have another one for me?”
“Oh, I have a few for you, but you’ll have to wait,” he said with a devious grin.
Celestia gave him a playful pout. “Are you sure you don’t want to give me the rest of them now? I’m curious to see what you got me, and you know I hate to wait.”
“Nope, nope, nope!” Bean shook his head vehemently. “Not happening! You’ll just have to wait and see.”
“Fine,” she huffed. “I guess you’ll just have to wait for my present, too.”
Bean bounded off the bed and pranced towards the door. “I’ll live. C’mon! There’s so much to do today! I’ll go get started on the fruitcake while you get ready. It’s not a Bean Hearth’s Warming without the fruitcake!”
Celestia laughed as her husband disappeared into the hallway, and one hoof went to her stomach. “You’re going to be just as bad as he is, aren’t you, my little Nilla? I hope your Aunt Luna can tolerate his enthusiasm today.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean hummed a happy holiday tune to himself as he skipped to the kitchen. Hearth’s Warming had always been a magical time for him, filled with good food, good friends, and treasured family, and this first Hearth’s Warming with his beloved was bound to be the best one ever. He just knew she was going to love the presents he had picked out for her, and despite his statement earlier, he was dying to see what Celestia had gotten for him, too. He was also sure his parents were going to love the set of Balefire cookware that he had managed to find, and then—
“Trixie?” Bean trotted up to the assistant secretary, who was slowly trudging down the hallway with a distant look. “Hey. Everything okay?”
“Trixie is fine, Your Highness,” Trixie replied in a soft voice. “Just… thinking is all.”
“I thought you would have headed home by now,” he said. “I can go call for a carriage, if you need. Really, you can have the day off. Celly and I have everything covered.”
Trixie gave Bean a sad smile. “Thank you, but that won’t be necessary. Trixie is… well, let’s just say that Trixie doesn’t need to go anywhere today.”
“Really? Why not? I’m sure your family wants to see you for the holiday.”
Trixie gave Bean a knowing sideways glance, and the truth dawned on the prince.
“Oh. You don’t have a family to go to.”
“It’s more that Trixie’s family does not wish to associate with a traitor,” Trixie said as they began to walk again.
“Traitor?”
“Not to the Crown, Your Highness. A traitor to the family. Don’t worry about it. This isn’t the first Hearth’s Warming that Trixie has spent by herself, and it won’t be the last. I always make do.”
Bean felt a crushing wave of guilt wash over him, and he drew in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Trixie. I wouldn’t have said that if I’d known. Do you want to talk about it?”
Trixie stopped, met Bean’s worried stare with a frown for a moment, and then turned her gaze to her hooves. “Not really.”
“Okay. I don’t want to force you into doing anything you don’t want to.” Bean bit his bottom lip for a moment as he thought. “Well, since you’re here, do you want to make some fruitcakes? It’ll go faster if I have some help.”
“No.” She stuck out her tongue. “Trixie hates fruitcake. They’re gross.”
“Not the way I make them,” Bean said smugly. “I have a terrific old family recipe, and it’s a Bean tradition to have fruitcake on Hearth’s Warming. You’ll love it. I even add a little hint of rum, just to give it some kick. Well, not so little. They’re flammable,” he admitted.
“Rum?” Trixie scoffed and gave him a wary look. “You use rum?”
“I might not drink it, but I cook with it all the time.”
Trixie shook her head. “No, not that. You should use bourbon. It’s much better.”
“Oh?” Bean laughed, and he cheered a little on the inside when the corners of Trixie’s mouth twitched upward. “Maybe I can try it your way, then. Why don’t you come show me how it’s done?”
Trixie shook her head in disappointment, but the smile grew noticeable. “Fine. It seems that the talents of the Great and Powerful Trixie are needed once again.”
“Bean?” Celestia called out as she pushed the door to the kitchen open. “There you are. Oh! Good morning, Miss Lulamoon! I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”
“Trixie doesn’t believe that there is such a thing as a good fruitcake,” Bean explained. “So I could use your help to prove her wrong. Can you grab the brown sugar and pecans?”
“Okay, so maybe your fruitcake isn’t going to be horrible,” Trixie confessed. “But I’d still use bourbon, if I were you.”
Bean chuckled as he whisked the batter for his fruitcake in a large bowl. “We’ll blame my upbringing for my poor ingredient choices, but I always thought it was for the best that I was trained in Salt Lick. For example, if my parents had lived in Manehattan, I would have ended up as a gourmet chef, serving what amounts to a small dab of cat food on a decorative plate for exorbitant prices. There’s no set style in my hometown, no expectations for a particular type of food. You can do whatever you want, really.
“Between us, though, I wouldn’t have minded if my parents had moved to Neigh Orleans,” he continued with a wistful grin. “We went there on vacation when I was young, and I couldn’t get enough of the food there. Every dish we sampled was amazing, and I learned more about spices then than I have before or since. It was one of the first times that I realized that food could be an art form in and of itself.”
“Naturally,” Trixie said with a proud grin, and she stood a little taller. “Neigh Orleans is the only place to go for truly fine dining.”
Bean smirked. “Do I detect a little hometown pride there, Miss Beatrix Lubella Lulamoon?”
Trixie rolled her eyes, and she huffed. “Only what pride I must give, and not an iota more. Trixie may have been raised there, but it is not my home. Not anymore.”
“Will there be any problems if you are required to travel there with us?” Celestia asked. “I believe we have a summit of some sort to attend next month.”
Trixie shook her head. “Non. Trixie, she know the town well, no? She know where her hooves should stay.”
Bean stopped whisking and stared at the assistant secretary.
“What?” Trixie asked after a moment, her flawless cajun accent still in place. “Are you surprised at what votre chère Trixie really is? Trixie think you are ashamed of her, no?” Trixie’s eyes went to the ground, and despite her obvious efforts to hold them back, a few tears crept into the corners of her eyes. “Mama is ashamed, so why not you, too?”
“I have no reason to be ashamed, Trixie,” Bean offered. “I’m just surprised. But in a good way,” he quickly added.
“You’re either the first, or you’re a horrible liar,” Trixie said with her normal snarky speech pattern returning all at once. “Nopony wants to be associated with Trixie.”
“I can think of at least three ponies who would.”
Trixie glanced back up, and she struck the tears away with a quick swipe of her hoof. “That would not change Mama’s opinions. Trixie is too much like her deadbeat, no-good, dirty, rotten, pig-stealing father. Mama never believed that Trixie could amount to anything.
“We haven’t spoken to each other since I started my travelling show. Papa was a magician, and he abandoned Mama to chase a fantasy. She might be willing to talk now since I have a ‘respectable’ job working with royalty, but as soon as she hears that I want to eventually go back on the road, we’ll be right back to where we are now. Unless I change who I am and renounce everything that makes me me, I have no family.”
“That is a most egregious mistake on their part,” Celestia said in a soft and comforting tone. “But I fear that it happens far too often.”
“Yeah,” Bean added. “My parents tried to force me into being something I’m not, too. They never cut me off, though, so it’s not quite the same.”
“It is a very destitute feeling.” Celestia’s gaze drifted towards the past, and a sad smile came to her lips. “We all want to be accepted, and your family is supposed to love and accept you, no matter what. When that is withheld and denounced because of who you are, the cut is so deep that it threatens to be fatal. In the end, you wonder if your very existence was just a large and unwelcome mistake.”
“I think you’re speaking from personal experience here,” Bean noted, and Celestia nodded slowly.
“When Lulu and I left my parents to unify the tribes, our parents renounced us and our mission. They actively worked to thwart us, in fact. I felt betrayed by their actions, and for a time, I regret to say I rejected them as well.”
Celestia’s wing then reached out and pulled Trixie into a comforting hug. “I hope that you can find some comfort with us during this difficult time, Trixie. While you may not have the love of family, you do have the concern and well-wishes of your friends.”
Trixie’s eyes were rimmed with tears, but she smiled. “Thanks, Your Highness. Trixie has to admit that maybe Sparkle is on to something with that whole friendship magic thing. It is nice to know that I’m not going to be alone this year.”
Bean felt a tingle of delight spring out of his heart, both for Trixie and for the fact that he had never endured the pain that she and Celestia had felt. Yes, his parents had been rather pushy, but now that he could compare them to other parents, they really weren’t as bad as he had thought when he first left home.
His internal reflections were shattered when the door to the kitchen burst open, and said parents spilled in with the rest of his cousins, aunts, uncles, and Princess Luna, who was cheerfully chatting with Haricot and Jumping. A cheer of delight flooded the room, and before Trixie could finish saying “what is going on?” the Bean horde attacked the pantry, relieved it of its contents, and began to prepare a feast that would be unrivaled by anything else.
“Princess!” Sergeant Pokey called out as he and Sergeant Clover staggered in and saluted, despite looking like they had just survived a stampede. “Our apologies, Your Highness. We were going to warn you of their arrival, but they were too fast.”
“Never get between a Bean and cooking,” Flageolet warned with a laugh as she set whatever was in her frying pan alight. “Baked! Have you finished the fruitcake yet?”
“Working on it!” Bean called back.
“Miss Trixie! It’s good to see you again,” Flagolet continued. “Come over here, would you? I need somepony to help me with the figgy pudding.”
Trixie didn’t respond right away. Instead, one of her eyebrows slid up towards her mane, and she turned to her employers with obvious confusion.
“You know, if you don’t have a family for the holidays, I could maybe let you borrow mine,” Bean said with a chuckle. “You’ll have to be careful, though. If you help Nana, you may end up as an honorary Bean inductee, and then you’ll be a Bean forever.”
Trixie paused for a moment more, but then she smiled as Flageolet beckoned to her with an eager urgency. “Trixie has heard that Twilight Sparkle and her friends are honorary Beans, so why not the Great and Powerful Trixie as well?”
* * ✹ * *
“You know, Trixie always wondered what a pony meant when they said they were having a bean feast,” Trixie commented as she patted her stomach and let out a contented burp. “I had no idea they meant that your family was going to provide the food for their party.”
“Make sure you get more once you’ve digested a bit,” Flageolet said with a pleased grin. “There’s still plenty left. Pinto, did we ever get around to trademarking that term? No? A shame; we could have made a fortune on selling the rights.”
The air filled with pleasant chuckles to that as everypony settled into the plush cushions and pillows that had been placed in the grand ballroom. The bonfire roaring in the nearby fireplace provided a warm glow, and the ornaments on the Hearth’s Warming Tree sparkled with all of the cheer that Hearth’s Warming could offer.
But nopony cared about all of that, of course. It was time for presents, and the haul under the tree was impressive, to say the least. Bean’s cousins squirmed and wriggled in anticipation, and there was a distinct possibility that one of them would take a flying dive into the cache if they were left waiting for much longer.
“All right,” Garbanzo held up a hoof to get everypony’s attention. “Since this is Baked’s house, I think he should play Santa this year. Is everypony okay with that?”
The vote was unanimous in the affirmative, and Bean took a moment to straighten his santa hat before moving to the outer edge of the pile. “Let’s see. I think Trixie should get the first gift.”
“Me?” Trixie squeaked.
Bean nodded, and he handed a thin, flat box to her. “Go ahead. I helped Celly pick this one out. I think you’ll like it.”
Trixie took the present with a smile, and her magic made quick work of the wrapping paper. Everypony leaned forward as she removed the lid, and Trixie gasped when she pulled the tissue paper aside.
A large silver clipboard was nestled in the box, with a spot for a spill proof inkwell and extra metal quill holders, and when Trixie pulled it out to look at the back of it, she found it had been embossed with colorful sapphires shaped to resemble her own cutie mark.
“That’s the premium, tarnish-free silver,” Bean noted with a gleeful smile. “Celestia also imbued it with an enchantment to keep it from being lost or stolen. I also believe that comes with two week’s worth of vacation, on top of what you normally receive.”
Trixie started to say something, but she stopped when her eyes happened to notice an inscription on the bottom of the clipboard. “‘To Trixie, who truly is Great and Powerful.’” A few tears of joy trickled down her cheek, and her gratitude glowed brightly in her expression. “Thank you, Your Highnesses. I’ve never received a present like this. I will always treasure it.”
“You’re welcome,” Bean said with a joyful smile that matched Trixie’s. “Let’s see. I think Luna should be next.”
Luna let out a small cry of delight, and her magic snatched the gift from Bean’s hooves. “Good! Celestia always insists on going youngest to oldest, and I hate to wait. I am also most pleased to see that this is a princess-sized gift.”
“Well, you’d probably banish me to the Everfree if I tried to give you a smaller one,” he quipped as the wrapping paper was swiftly removed, crumpled into a ball, and then thrown at Celestia. Luna then took a moment to look over the elegant black case in her hooves, and she grinned slightly as she touched the crescent moon that was engraved on the lid.
“I think I know what this is.” Luna gently opened the case, and her grin became a pleased smile when her magic removed an exquisite black book with silver gilded edges. “And I am right. I hope you did not just give me that copy of Star Struck’s biography that Twilight Sparkle gave you.”
“I didn’t. That book is still in the drawing room,” Bean said with an encouraging nod. “This particular copy of The Life and Times of Prince Star Struck, Triarch of Equestria and Most Eternal Mate of Princess Luna is the first in a soon-to-be-published second edition, with expanded annotations and extensive cross-references to other historical documents.”
Luna smiled as she glanced over the title page. “Thank you. Perhaps I should ask the author for an autograph; I hear that adds value. But what is this other…” She trailed off as her magic pulled a second obsidian book from the velvet-lined case, and her eyes darted over the cover. “Is this what I think it is?”
“It is.” Bean simply said.
“What is it?” Lentil asked while Luna eagerly opened the book and began to look over the pages.
“It’s another biography of Star Struck, but this one was written by Luna,” Bean answered. “We’ve been working on it together for a while now. As soon as the Princess gives her approval, a ten thousand copy first edition will be published. The Royal Publisher even suggested that the two books could be sold together in a package deal.”
“I shall be sure to provide everypony here with a copy, if you would care to have one,” Luna added. “Thank you, Bean. This truly means more to me than you realize.”
“You’re welcome,” Bean offered with a dip of his head and a smile. “Let’s see. I think I’ll pick Celestia next.”
“Augh!” Fava groaned. “Are you kidding me?!”
“You’re next, you’re next!” Bean reassured with a laugh, and he passed a bright red box to his wife. “This one is from Grandpa Soy and Aunt Sieva.”
“Thank you,” Celestia offered as her magic removed the wrapping paper. “Perhaps it is my own personal toque for when Bean and I come to help at the Zuerst?”
“Can’t say,” Sieva said with a devious grin. “It’ll ruin the surprise.”
Celestia laughed with the others as she finished opening the present, and her magic removed a pair of knitting needles, a skein of green yarn, and a half-finished blanket. Lima and Garbanzo gasped when they saw the present, but before they could say anything, Soy chuckled and pointed with a hoof.
“Pole loved to knit in her free time,” he explained with a wistful grin, “and when she heard you were pregnant, she immediately started to make a baby blanket for Nilla. Sieva and I talked it over when I moved to Salt Lick, and we both agreed that she would want you to have it.”
It was now Celestia’s turn to fight back tears. “Then I shall finish it in her honor, and it will be Nilla’s first blanket. Thank you so much, Soy and Sieva.”
“Is it my turn yet?” Fava moaned.
“I hope Santa gave you a lump of coal,” Bean said with a laugh as he handed a gift to his impatient cousin.
* * ✹ * *
“You know, for as much as I love my family, they can be a bit overwhelming when they’re all together at times,” Bean remarked as Celestia shut the door to his private chambers. “This quick breather to set the sun and bring up the moon should help me recover some endurance.”
“The Beans are quite the energetic bunch,” Luna added with a nod. “But I would propose that is not a bad thing.”
Bean nodded, and he hummed a happy note as the three royals crossed the empty room and walked out on the balcony. “Yeah, they’re pretty cool, as families go. I gotta admit that this has been one of the best Hearth’s Warmings ever.”
“It has been, and we still have the evening to enjoy together,” Celestia said, her wing wrapping around her husband as she moved the sun below the horizon and Luna brought up the moon. “Thank you for making it so wonderful. I can’t wait to use those bath soaps Lentil gave me.”
“You’re welcome.” Bean gave her neck a quick nip. “And thank you for everything, too.”
“Of course, my dear Bean. But I still have one more present for you.”
“You do?” Bean let out a small squee of delight, and Luna chuckled. “I thought we were all gifted out.”
“Not quite. Come in here, and I’ll introduce you.”
“Introduce me to who?” Bean took one step into the room and found out.
At first sight, he didn’t want to believe. As an only foal, Bean’s youth had been filled with parental attention to the point where one might consider him to be slightly, but not too much and excusing the pun, spoiled. At Hearth’s Warming season every year, even that slight tinge of brat faded away in exchange for the bright-eyed and sincere need to be on Santa Hooves’ Good List. No dirty dish was safe from severe scrubbing, no hoof unpolished, no good deed left undeeded. After all, Santa Hooves knew if every little pony had been good or bad, and the pile of gifts under the tree reflected that behavior, so naturally Bean’s first thought was that he had left an empty cocoa cup behind with his family instead of putting it in the sink.
“glurp fadable Hooves?” managed Bean at the unexpected and completely unbelievable sight.
“Ho, ho, ho,” announced the huge reindeer sitting casually on Celestia’ best oversized chair. “Happy Hearth’s Warming, Baked Bean!”
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” Bean squealed, and for a moment, he couldn’t move. It was really him! The Reindeer in Red himself, the Big Cheese, the One and Only!
Santa chuckled at the overawed display, and that deep, resonating tone was exactly as Bean had always imagined it. Everything about the legendary bringer of Hearth’s Warming gifts was just as he’d been told, from the broad spread of his antlers to the flowing white beard, and from the joyful twinkle in his eye all the way back to his rotund midsection.
Even his hat and coat were a dead match to what he had seen in paintings and on the holiday cards he sent out to his friends.
“Well, don’t be rude.” Luna gave Bean a nudge. “Go introduce yourself.”
Bean’s eyes went wide in horror. “Oh! I am so sorry, Santa! I mean, Mister Hooves! I just never thought that I would meet you in real life! It’s a tremendous honor!”
“The honor is mine, Your Highness,” Santa replied, his voice a deep bass that resonated with all that was good and right with the world as he shook Bean’s hoof. “I’ve been wanting to make your acquaintance ever since I received the wedding announcement. I hope you’ll forgive me for not attending, but I do have a reputation to maintain.”
“I totally understand,” Bean said, but then his brain skipped another cog. “Wait. You got a wedding announcement?”
Santa chuckled again. “I did. I’ve known Celestia and Luna for a long, long time, and they are two of my dearest friends. I was so happy to hear about your marriage that I permanently added you to the Nice list.”
“Oh, well,” Bean stammered. He was pleased to hear that, but he still felt embarrassed over the praise. “I didn’t really do anything. I just fell in love with a princess, that’s all.”
“One day you’ll realize how remarkable that really is,” Santa said. “Now then! It’s been a long Hearth’s Warming, and I have been looking forward to your hot cocoa all day, Celly. If I may be so impertinent, I should like to hear all about your life with Baked Bean.”
“Cocoa?” Bean asked.
“At the end of every Hearth’s Warming, Santa comes to visit with us. We typically spend the time catching up and reminiscing about old times,” Celestia explained. “Something like a vacation after several hectic months filled with preparations for the holiday.”
“That reminds me,” Santa cut in. “I’m afraid I’ll need to have you make some repairs to the sleigh this year. I was forced to make an emergency landing after Derpy’s overeager welcome in Ponyville. The missus stayed behind to convince her that she wasn’t going to be put on the naughty list because of what happened.”
“Of course,” Luna said. “I’ll have our finest ponies put to work on it immediately.”
“We fix your sleigh for you?” Bean asked.
“Naturally,” Santa said with another chuckle. “It was Celly and Lulu who provided it to me when I first started out, and who better to effect repairs than the manufacturer?”
“I have so many questions to ask now.” Bean began to prance in place, but then he stopped. “But I guess they’ll have to wait for another time. Everypony is still waiting for me downstairs. It’s not Hearth’s Warming without the fruitcake, but they won’t start serving it until I get back.”
“You know, Santa, Baked Bean did not send you a letter this year,” Celestia said, a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “And I did notice that you did not bring him a present this year.”
Santa let loose a deep, hearty laugh to this. “You are quite correct, Celly. Baked Bean, what would you like for Hearth’s Warming?”
“I don’t need anything,” Bean replied. “I already have my wife, my family, and my friends. What else do I need? Unless,” he hesitated, mulled over his thought, and then smiled sheepishly. “I know you prefer to remain unseen, but would it be too much if I asked you to come visit my family? I know they’d all love to meet you.”
Santa gave Bean a sideways smile, one that indicated he was both amused and wary of the suggestion. “That is a rather unusual request.”
“You do owe me a favor or five,” Celestia added, her wing reaching over and pulling Bean into a hug. “And his family is my family now.”
Santa let out a playful huff. “I suppose I could, just this once. But only if me and the missus get some of that fruitcake you mentioned, Bean.”
“I made extra, just to be safe,” Bean said as everypony laughed. “I’ll even give you the recipe, if you like.”
* * ✹ * *
Sergeant Hokey Pokey drew in a long and heavy breath as he came to a halt in front of the door to his house. Hearth’s Warming was usually one of his favorite holidays, but he had been unable to find the same joy that he usually did this year. The Bean family party had reminded him that the one pony who he had wanted to share this Hearth’s Warming with was nothing more than an illusion, purposely created to deceive him, and it hurt to think that he would be unable to enjoy the holiday in the same way Baked Bean did with his.
Pokey slid the key into the lock and gave it a twist. Chrysalis and her little bugs were probably out and about, trying to steal as much love as they could from the festivities, and he was not looking forward to dealing with the aftermath of her actions. But he felt like he was responsible for her, since he was the one who was “dating” her, so he grunted and chalked up the misery he was mired in as a fitting punishment for allowing himself to be deceived in the first place.
Once inside his modest home, Pokey tossed his helmet onto the nearby chair and flicked the light switch with a wing. No light came with the motion, however, and Pokey gave the unresponsive switch a few more tries before he gave up and peered into the darkness.
“You can come out now, Chrysalis,” he said with a heavy sigh. “I know you’re here.”
“Welcome home, my Pokey, and Happy Hearth’s Warming.” A pair of green eyes appeared in the darkness, and a fang-filled smile split open just below them. “I’ve been waiting all day for you.”
“How did you get in here? I changed all the locks.”
“I came down the chimney.” Chrysalis slowly strutted into the beam of moonlight that was filtering in from the window, a santa hat dangling from the tip of her horn, and she flung herself across his couch. “Ho. Ho. Ho.”
Pokey hesitated, his eyes lingering on the fishnet stockings and the skimpy green negligee that she was wearing. “Right. Of course you did.”
“Have you been a good little colt this year?” Chrysalis purred in seductive glee. “Or are you on the naughty list? I do hope it’s the latter.”
Pokey’s eyes snapped back to hers, his face fixed in a frown. “Get out.”
“Oh, but I’ve been a good little bug, I promise!” Chrysalis licked her lips—which were far blacker and glossier than normal—and then puckered them slightly. “I haven’t stolen an ounce of love all month long! Surely that means I’m on your nice list this year.”
“You’re not,” he muttered. “I’m serious. Get. Out.”
“And I haven’t even given you your present yet,” she hummed, and she slid a hoof to her rear hip with a toss of her mane. “I think you should open it now, don’t you?”
“I don’t care!” Pokey ripped open the front door and jabbed a hoof at the snow-covered sidewalk. “I want you out of here! Now! The last thing I want is to spend the rest of this miserable holiday with the creature who made it miserable to begin with!”
Chrysalis pouted, and she sniffled as she stood. “Well, if that’s how you really feel about it…”
“Spare me the crocodile tears, will you? I’m not in the mood.”
“I mean, I took the time to clean and polish my chitin for you, and I even bought the hat.” She slowly reached up and removed her headwear as she shuffled to the door. “I was going to steal it, but then I thought that my dear Hokey wouldn’t like that, so I used my own bits and everything.”
“OUT!” Pokey roared.
“And now I’ll have to spend Hearth’s Warming all by myself. Alone. Without anypony else to—”
Pokey slammed the door as soon as she was halfway outside, which provided him with a moment of satisfaction at having cut her sob story off prematurely. He had wanted to give her a kick in the flanks while she left, but he was sure the door had provided a reasonable approximation of the sensation.
He then went to his kitchen, rummaged through the meager offerings in his icebox, and produced a bottle of champagne that he did not remember buying. His gaze then drifted to the two wine glasses that stood on his counter, waiting eagerly for the moment when their services would be needed.
Pokey drew in another long breath. He hated Chrysalis. He knew he did. But somehow he knew she had been telling the truth when she said she hadn’t stolen any love, and even if her motivations were selfish, she was trying to spend an evening together with him. It would probably be far easier for her to simply cut her losses and move on to the next sap in line, but yet she clung on like a tick, despite his harsh treatment of her.
And, if he was being honest with himself, her flanks were rather nice. For a bug, that is.
With a groan of annoyance, he moved back through his house and pulled open the front door, champagne bottle still in hoof. As he had expected, Chrysalis was still sitting on his front porch, but he was surprised to find her back was to him, and that she was crying, of all things.
“Hey.” Pokey sat down next to her, and he took a moment to study her face.
“I really did try,” she whispered. “Do you know how hard this was for me on today of all days? The only pony that won’t even drip a drop for me, and I waste the whole day getting ready. Love practically gushes out of every pony in this whole town, but no, I wanted to make you happy!”
Pokey really wished that she was lying about that point. It would have saved him from the horrible guilt that was building in his chest. “You did?”
She glanced up to him, and the last little bits of doubt were dashed to pieces. “You really don’t care about me, do you? You’ll always hate me, no matter how hard I try.”
“I don’t totally hate you,” he said softly. “I’m actually impressed that you managed to behave yourself for a whole day. And your chitin really does look nice. I like how it shines.”
“Liar.”
“You would know if I was lying.” Pokey reached up and tilted her chin until her eyes met his. “Do you secrete some kind of special mucus to get it that way?”
“Floor wax,” she admitted with a roll of her eyes. “I found some in your storage closet. You’re going to need more now, by the way. I used two coats while waiting.”
“Ah.” Pokey hesitated, but then he stood and offered a hoof. “C’mon back inside. It’s Hearth’s Warming, after all, so I’m willing to call a truce for the night.”
“But you’re just going to hate me again after tonight, aren’t you?”
“I still hate what you did,” he slowly replied after a lengthy pause. “But to be totally honest, I’m not as mad at you personally as I once was. Why don’t we talk things over inside, where it’s warmer? I’m no chef, but I have picked up a few cooking tips from the Prince, and I could make a pasta salad really quick.”
Chrysalis sniffled, but a small smile was struggling to emerge. “I’ve never had a pasta salad before.”
“I can’t promise it’ll taste good, but it should be edible, at the least. Unless you bugs don’t eat pony food.”
Chrysalis blew a raspberry at him, and then stood. “We have to eat pony food. We’d never be able to deceive you if we didn’t.”
“So, when you told me you liked chocolate cheesecake, were you telling the truth? Back when you were posing as Bluebelle, I mean.”
Chrysalis grinned slightly. “That’s for me to know and you to find out. A girl has to have some secrets, after all.”
Post-Celebration Bean leaned back on the couch, which gave out a groan of impending structural failure. Most likely, it was not his fault. After all, the huge reindeer next to him outweighed Bean by a good measure, and the warm alicorn on his other side… was not going to be measured by weight, even in his idle thoughts.
“I can’t move,” he managed. “Too much fruitcake.”
“There’s no such thing as too much fruitcake,” said Celestia to his side, although the plate resting on her round tummy had one slightly nibbled piece remaining on it.
It was doomed, really. So many of its brothers and sisters had already fallen to the double-alicorn assault. Such terrible, terrible carnage, and all of the other Beans had just laughed and made more fruitcake to feed the ongoing destruction.
“I don’t remember any of this being left out for me before,” said a similarly immobile Santa, who was eyeing a fragment of fruitcake which had fallen into his beard. “Just those snickerdoodles, some raisin cookies, and almond milk. Good, though,” he admitted.
“Normally, our fruitcake is a fire hazard,” said Bean with a groan. “This year, we used rum flavoring instead of rum, and—” he waved a hoof “—stuff. Next year, I’ll leave you some of the good fruitcake next to the fire extinguisher.”
“I’d never be able to get off the ground, let alone fly home.” Santa let out a low chuckle for apparently no reason, and Celestia lolled her head to one side so she could look at him over the top of Bean.
“Just a little of knowing when your little ponies are being bad or good,” he explained. “You’ll find out eventually.”
* ho * ho * ho *
Post-Celebration Hokey Pokey leaned back on his couch in a blurry food coma and considered his position.
He then considered how many years in the stockade he would get if his position were known to Their Highnesses. Once they quit laughing, that is. As a bachelor, his couch had always been an adequate size, but holding two ponies, one of which was ever so slightly larger than himself, stressed it.
She’s faking it. She’s not sleeping. She’s drooling on my shoulder just to be… her. Nopony… or no bug, that is, snores like that. She is pretending to be sleeping while sipping off my emotions, like dessert.
Pokey could barely see the kitchen from his position, and the dirty dishes he had not even started cleaning. Military training warred against proper couch etiquette, and the weight of a changeling queen holding down his shoulder won. They would wait. Until after the hoofball game on the radio was over, at least.
While the announcer called out the starting lineup on the radio, Pokey leaned his head against his waxy-smelling changeling pillow and nodded off to sleep with a small smile on his lips.
* ho * ho * ho *
Post-Celebration Luna surveyed the aftermath of this year’s Hearth’s Warming, and a pleased grin came at the sight of the festive devastation. If the carpet of wrapping paper was any indication, this year was arguably one of the best that had ever been experienced, and it would long be remembered by the Beans, the Sisters, and even by Santa Hooves himself.
Luna hummed in delight as she remembered the Hearth’s Warmings she had shared with Star and her wee rascal. While this modern holiday bore only a passing resemblance to the Hearth’s Warmings of old—Luna was still convinced that the holiday was not over until the host was pinned to the ground in a half-nelson—the spirit and the love that was here was exactly the same, and she welcomed that love with a grateful heart. It filled the hole that Star’s absence had left in her heart to a degree, and in a way, it brought him back to her, even if only in memory.
But as the Princess surveyed, she noticed there was one who still needed a little more cheer in their holiday. With a sad sigh, Luna crossed the room, and after a slight pause, she sat down on the couch next to Soy Bean and wrapped a dark wing around him.
“Happy Hearth’s Warming, Soy,” she offered.
“The same to you, Princess,” he said, a pleased grin on his lips as he watched the younger Beans and their antics.
“How are you holding up?”
“Oh, I’m as well as can be expected,” he said softly. “I do wish Pole could have been here. She was so eager to share that blanket with Celestia and Baked. Don’t tell anypony else, but the Santa Hooves you hired for tonight is very good. I almost believed he’s real myself. And the children got such a kick out of him. Thank you.”
“He is the best Santa I have ever found. But?” Luna gently prodded.
“But it doesn’t hurt as much as it should,” he continued. “She was with me for so many years, through thick and thin, foals, sickness and health... and she’s gone. That awful pain that I thought would be with me forever is just an ache now. Why?”
“Because she is still in your heart,” said Luna. “And in every Bean you see, young and old.”
Soy hesitated, then glanced up to the nocturnal diarch. “Do you ever feel like Star Struck is with you? Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part, but as I sit here and watch, I can almost believe that Pole is right here, with her hoof holding mine and her head leaning on my shoulder. It’s almost like she’s here again, if only in spirit.”
Luna nodded as she felt the comforting touch of her own beloved begin to flow over her withers and sides. “Thankfully, I do feel that he is again with me from time to time. I have noticed that he usually comes to me when I am happy and when I feel the love of my friends and family.
“I think that my Star loves me just as fiercely—and just as deeply—as Pole loves you. Nothing can stop such a love, not even Death. She will remain with you forever, just as your family will. Just remember to seek the good in life, despite the pain. Pole would not want you to suffer needlessly.”
Soy nodded and turned his gaze back to the others. “I don’t think that will be a problem, Your Highness.”
Luna smiled as she felt the tender touch of Star’s kiss upon her cheek, and her heart swelled with delight as she watched Pole do the same. “You know, I like to think that my Star has met Pole, somehow, and that they are now sharing all of the fond memories they have of their families. Star always held out hope that Celly would eventually find a special somepony of her own, and if he were alive, he would have loved all of you.”
“That would be nice,” Soy said. “I’m sure we would have loved him, too.”
“I have no doubt of that. Star always loved a good meal, and he was always trying to get my wee rascal to try new things. There was one Hearth’s Warming, in fact, where he decided to attempt what we would now call a three-bean casserole.”
“Oh? How did that turn out?”
“Is ‘volcanically’ a word?” she said, and they both chuckled. “Perhaps ‘explosive’ would fit. You see…”
Hokey Pokey awoke with a snort, a snuff, and then a groan as the fog of sleep began to clear from his head. For a moment, he was unsure of his location, but the twinges of pain in his back quickly forced him to remember what he had been doing before he had dozed off.
His couch. His house. With a changeling queen asleep on his shoulder.
Pokey stretched and realized that something was missing from the night before. While he was still on his own couch in his own house, he was currently short one changeling queen, though her drool still clung to his neck in a thick and sticky glob.
There was a reason ponies didn’t sleep while sitting upright, as the crackling pops from his neck proved. Chrysalis had been a fair pillow, however, and he had to admit that he’d like to further test her plush properties with some proper thumping, but in the proper place and time.
That probably would not be for some time to come. The bug had probably flown the coop, having loaded up on his emotions from the holiday, and was now unleashing unspeakable evils upon the populace of Canterlot with her newfound energy.
But that was the night shift’s problem. A glance at the clock told him he had roughly two hours to report for duty, which would be more than enough time for a hot shower to work out the kinks in his muscles. Once he was limber again, he would report in, hunt down his unintentional cuddlebug and clean up the mess she was making.
The idea of punishing the queen filled him with an odd sense of delight that he tried to quash. He was not a pervert, like she was. Chrysalis would probably enjoy whatever he would do to her.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of an entire series of stinging high-pitched chirps and screeches. Was Chrysalis still in his house?
His confusion grew when he rounded the corner and found the door to his bathroom ajar, with billows of steam pouring out into the hallway. The water had to be just a degree or two below scalding at that point, and Pokey chuckled at Chrysalis’ apparent inability to adjust the water temperature.
“You know, it wouldn’t burn if you’d give that knob on the right a twist,” he quipped as he pushed the door open and withstood a blast of steam.
“Now is really not a good time for you to be making jokes,” Chrysalis snarled back. “Get in here and help me out.”
Pokey stalled out in the doorway, and he took a good, long moment to take in the totality of what he was seeing. Queen Chrysalis, the fearsome leader of the Changeling Hordes, was in his tub, surrounded by clouds of steam and with the shower head blasting her back at full strength. The two layers of wax that she had applied to her chitin allowed the water to slide effortlessly off her hide, and the rivlets they made as they tracked over her withers, around her wings, and down her perforated legs was unintentionally and unexpectedly alluring.
It was a shame that the whole effect was ruined by the fact that Chrysalis was furiously scrubbing her left flank with his toilet brush while weaving together a tapestry of screeches that would probably translate into something profane in equish.
“Are you done gawking yet?!” she finally shouted.
“I don’t even know what I’m gawking at!” he protested. “What is this, some kind of weird changeling ritual to establish my house as your new hive?”
“Are you always this dense?! Quit being a moron and get this stuff off me!”
“What stuff?”
“The floor wax, you idiot!” Chrysalis’ furious scouring sped up, and she screamed when nothing happened.
“Floor wax?” Pokey glanced around the bathroom. “You’re trying to scrub off the wax?”
“Oo, give the genius a prize!” Chrysalis snapped. “I can’t get this accursed stuff off! It’s worse than my pod goo!”
“Serves you right,” Pokey snarked with a grin. “That’ll teach you to break into my house.”
“Keep gloating, Pokey, and we’re going to find out how good you are at patching pony-sized holes in the wall!”
“All right, all right. Did you throw the empty wax cans in the garbage?”
“Yes. Not that they’re any help,” she fumed, her anger dropping by a degree or two. “I already looked, and there’s no information on them.”
“There isn’t?” Pokey asked, his grin growing into a full-out smile. “Let me guess. The can just said ‘Wax’ in big red letters, right?”
“Yes. Now how do I get it off? I think my chitin can hold up against turpentine, if that’ll do the trick.”
Pokey chuckled. “That won’t work. In fact, there isn’t anything that’s going to work.”
“Quit being stupid, will you? Something has to get rid of this gunk.”
“Nope. You did not use floor wax to polish your chitin to a glorious shine yesterday, Your Majesty. You broke into and used my extra-strength, super-resilient and extra long-lasting official Royal Guard armor wax.”
“Great. So how do I get armor wax off, Mister Smartypants? I can’t go back to the hive looking like this!”
“You’re stuck, Your Majesty. Literally. Royal Guard armor wax was specially formulated and engineered to not come off.”
The toilet brush snapped in two. “What.”
“You heard right!” Pokey nearly broke into peals of laughter. “No guard wants to be constantly waxing their armor. I could go hiking through a mud puddle as deep as you are tall and come out of it without a drop on me. Nothing, and I mean nothing will remove that wax until it wears off.”
“Pokey, I swear, if this is some kind of sick joke you’re playing just to get some revenge…”
“I’m being completely honest right now.” Pokey tapped his chin in thought. “You know what this means? I have to requisition more wax. I’m gonna have to come up with a good story for the Quartermaster.”
“Why are you worried about that?!” Chrysalis shrieked. “I’m coated in unremovable wax, and you’re going on about getting more?!”
“Why is this such a big deal?” he asked, reaching in to turn off the water. “You’re a bit more glossy than normal, so what? Unless you breathe through your chitin or something weird like that, you should be fine. Just head on back to your hive and do whatever queen-y things you were going to do. But no stealing any love!” he added quickly.
“I can’t go back! Do you know what kind of revolt I’d face if those maggots back at the hive saw me like this?! I’d be run out of the Badlands in five seconds flat!”
“Okay. You’re a bug, right? Just molt, or shed your exoskeleton, or whatever it is you bugs do.”
“Absolutely not.” Chrysalis sniffed and stuck her nose in the air. “Drones and Scouts molt. A Queen does not molt.”
There was a long pause. Pokey did not say anything. Eventually, she did.
“I don’t know how!” she admitted in a burst of words. “It’s been centuries since I’ve had to molt, and I’ve forgotten!”
“Hm,” said Pokey. “The dangers of dating an older mare.”
“What am I supposed to do?” she wailed. “I can’t go out in public like this!”
“You couldn’t go out in public before,” Pokey countered. “Not without starting a stampede and getting yourself arrested again, anyway. Why don’t you just change into somepony else?”
Chrysalis gave him a flat, annoyed glare before being consumed in a green eldritch fire, making Pokey burst out in laughter. The hairs of Chrysalis’ green disguise were plastered flat against her, giving the impression that she’d taken a bath in candle wax and then allowed it to harden.
“It’s not funny!” Chrysalis shouted as she shifted back to her normal form.
“You’re right. That’s hilarious!” Pokey sat down on the floor of the bathroom and clutched his gut. “Do a griffon next!”
“Hokey Pokey!”
“Look, you can scream and shout at me all you like, but you’re stuck, Your Majesty. If your changeling magic won’t touch it, then the only thing you can do is wait.”
“How long, exactly, will it take for this stuff to wear off?”
“Well, you applied two coats, so that doubles the time. It should come off in six months or so.”
“SIX MONTHS?!” Chrysalis leapt out of the tub and rushed to the mirror with a sob. “What am I supposed to do for six months?”
“Not my problem. Now get out. I need to get ready for work.”
“Pokey, you’re not comprehending how bad this is.” Chrysalis turned to face him, her demeanor full of grim seriousness. “What do you think will happen if my drones are left alone for six months? They won’t just sit there, picking their noses and debating if rocks are edible. They’ll get bored, they’ll get restless, and they’ll get ideas. The wedding invasion will look like a bunch of grubs on a playground compared to the destruction they’ll bring down on Equestria, and I’ll be powerless to stop them. I have to get this stuff off.”
Pokey snorted. “Fine. When my shift is up tonight, I’ll ask around and see if anypony knows of something that’ll work. Until then, just stay here and lay low. Now clear out so I can get ready.”
Chrysalis glared at Pokey and grumbled something unflattering, but she left the bathroom without further argument.
“And no stealing any love!” Pokey added.
* * ✹ * *
“When will you be back?” Chrysalis asked with a small whine.
“Late. Don’t wait up for me, dear,” Pokey said with a smug grin as he opened his front door.
“I would kill you if I didn’t need you,” she snarled.
“Aww, I love you too, darling. You remind me of a cat I had as a kid. Save some dinner for me, would you?”
“Sure. I hope you like fettuccini alfredo with arsenic sauce.”
“My favorite! Now you be good while I’m gone, my little buggy-boo. I’ll see you later.”
Pokey blew a kiss to the furious queen before pulling the door shut, and he chuckled to himself. While he wasn’t terribly keen on leaving Chrysalis alone in his house, at least he knew she was too mortified to go anywhere, thus making it all the easier to keep track of her.
But if she was being honest about her drones, then he did need to de-wax her as soon as possible, somehow. He also needed to warn Lieutenant Spear Point and Captain Armor about the potential problem, and—
“Good morning, Sergeant!”
Pokey groaned a bit, but he forced out a smile and gave a small wave to his elderly neighbor. “Good morning, Hazelnut. Did you have a happy Hearth’s Warming?”
“Oh, I had quite the pleasant holiday, yes. Mister Barky Von Schnauzer simply adores the new sweater I got him, and Madame Meow has more catnip than she knows what to do with!”
“That’s good to hear,” Pokey said. “But I’m afraid I’m running a bit late today. I’ll chat with you later, okay?”
“Of course, dear, of course. Oh! But before you go, could I ask you just one little thing?”
Pokey braced himself. Hazelnut was nice enough, but she did tend to stick her nose into places where it had no business being. “What’s that?”
“Well, I was just getting ready to serve my cheese soufflé at my annual Hearth’s warming party last night when I happened to glance out my window. You know how I like to watch the snow fall, of course, but this time, I couldn’t help but notice the most peculiar thing!”
Warning bells began to clang in Pokey’s head, but he remained outwardly calm. “Oh?”
“Yes. I’ve never seen anything quite like it before, so I wanted to ask you to make sure these old eyes weren’t deceiving me. Was there a changeling in fishnet stockings and a negligee on your porch last night?”
Pokey pondered what lie he could offer for a moment, realized there wasn’t anything he could say that would throw the snoop off his trail, and then decided to tell the truth. “Yes.”
Hazelnut nodded with a satisfied smile. “I thought so! It’s so nice to see you’re beginning to move on from that horrible Bluebelle. Well, I’ve held you up long enough, Sergeant. I hope you have an uneventful day at the palace today, dear! If you get a chance, stop by tonight and I’ll share some of the leftover soufflé with you. Ta ta, dear, ta ta!”
Pokey could only stare on in confusion as Hazelnut trotted back into her house, but after a moment, he shook his head, shrugged, and counted himself lucky as he began his flight to the palace.
* * ✹ * *
“Hmm. Maybe grey would work better.”
Chrysalis hummed as her new pony disguise turned from green to grey, and she turned to check out her flanks in the mirror. It was an improvement, but the accursed wax still reflected the ambient light far more than she liked.
A changeling was not semi-gloss.
It would have to do. Chrysalis was bound and determined to get this junk off of her beautiful self, and it was beyond obvious that her daft Pokey was lying to her. The armor wax couldn’t possibly be as permanent as Pokey said it was, and she was sure that the secret removal formula was hidden somewhere in Sunbutt’s palace. All she had to do was sneak in, figure out where the guard kept the wax remover, and then apply liberally.
Thankfully, the time she had spent masquerading as Bluebelle would now be of great use. Pokey had revealed much about how the palace worked—and more importantly, how the Royal Guard operated—while he had been under her direct control, and with that knowledge, she was sure to either find a solvent or a book with the solvent formula within it, and all while avoiding detection to top off her masterful plan.
She hummed a bit more and changed from grey to beige. If she could find a suitable color to wear, there was even the possibility of simply asking some of Pokey’s co-workers about the wax, thus saving her the effort of doing any actual work.
That’s what underlings were for, after all. Once she had won back her Pokey and exacted her revenge on Sunbutt and that Bean, they would all be answering to her anyway.
With a grunt of determination, Chrysalis changed her color back to grey, added a ladybug cutie mark, placed her pince-nez glasses on the edge of her muzzle, and added a bit more length to her red mane. The disguise would work for her current purposes, and once she was cleaned off, she was going to tear Pokey’s house apart and remove anything else that had even the slightest potential of becoming stuck to her chitin.
It was a shame that the zap apple jam would have to be discarded, but it was for the best.
Still dissatisfied with her appearance, Chrysalis moved to the door and quickly concocted a cover story for her current mission. A simple lie would work best, and she could make up the details as she went, if needed. She could be a humble reporter from Baltimare, who was doing a story on wasteful government spending and wanted to know how much money the military was spending on minor things, like horseshoe nails or armor wax.
Chrysalis grinned and stood a bit taller as she opened the front door. Her plan was now perfect, and all that remained was to execute it flawlessly, as she always did.
She hesitated once she had shut the door, and her gaze remained on her hoof. Even in this color, the wax coating was still horribly noticeable, and there was an outside chance that a pony would ask about it.
The solution came quickly: she had a skin condition. Something horrible and with a gross name, like Treesap Secretion Syndrome or the like. Nothing cut off questions like a disgusting disease, and one that was possibly contagious at that.
“Oh, excuse me, dear? Dear!” a pony called out, and the changeling queen glanced to the frantically-waving neighbor. “Good morning, dear! Might I have a word with you?”
Chrysalis didn’t have time for idle chatter and gossip today—much as she loved the latter—but she knew better than to arouse suspicion so soon into her infiltration attempt. “Good morning. What do you need?”
“It’s so nice to meet you, dear!” the elderly pony replied with a pleasant smile. “I’m Hazelnut, but you can just call me Hazel if you like.”
“Nice to meet you, Hazel,” Chrysalis said through a clenched smile. “Is there something I can do for you?”
“Well, I was just wondering if I might ask you a quick question. You see, I was just getting ready to serve my cheese soufflé at my annual Hearth’s Warming party last night when I happened to glance out my window. I’ve always enjoyed watching the snow fall, dear, but this time, I couldn’t help but notice the most peculiar thing!”
“Could we get on with this? I have some urgent matters to take care of,” Chrysalis snapped.
“Oh, of course. You’ll have to forgive me, dear, I do like to ramble,” Hazelnut said with a laugh. “Since you’re in a rush, I’ll get right to the point. I was just wondering how long you’ve been dating the good Sergeant.”
“Dating? Who said we were dating?” Chrysalis asked with a bit of nervousness.
“Are you not? Oh, dear. I suppose that serves me right for assuming, doesn’t it? I naturally thought you were dating him, since you were on his front porch last night in a negligee and fishnet stockings.”
“You saw me out here?” The question came out before Chrysalis could stop it, and she shrunk back a little when Hazelnut smiled knowingly.
“I’ve lived here fifty-three years, dear, and I’ve never had a better neighbor than Hokey Pokey. I keep my eye on him so he doesn’t get into any trouble. But if you’re not dating, I suppose that means you’re here to comfort him. I didn’t know changelings had call girls, but I don’t imagine it’s very easy for you to find a more legitimate means of work at the moment.”
“What?!” Chrysalis barked. “I am not some fly-by-night hussy! My dear Pokey would never call on the services of some lowly, paid-by-the-hour tail!”
“I didn’t think so either, but ever since that horrible Bluebelle broke up with him…”
Chrysalis’ anger at Hazelnut’s assumption quickly evaporated. “What do you mean?”
“Hasn’t he told you about Bluebelle? Oh, dear. Well, it’s not my place to say, but Pokey had his whole world destroyed by that deceitful floozy. He was head over hooves in love with her, and then she just runs off on him, without even saying goodbye or thank you!”
Chrysalis shrunk back a little. “Really?”
“Quite shameful, if you ask me. He was going to ask her to marry him, you know. Pokey was so happy with her, but after she left… well, I confess that I was worried he’d never recover from the hurt. The whole messy affair crushed his spirits, dear, and though he never said anything, you could always see how badly he’d been cut. I’ve never seen a pony more heartbroken in all my years, and I’ve lived quite a few, if I may say. When I saw you last night, I was so happy for him, and I hoped that this meant that he was beginning to move on. It was so sad to hear him go on and on about how much he missed Bluebelle, or how he wished he had done something different.”
“Oh.” Chrysalis didn’t like the odd swirl of emotions that were stirring within her. They felt uncomfortable, and unpleasant, like somebug had just put a heavy boulder on her heart and then began to push.
There was a word for the feeling, but she couldn’t quite think of what it was. Eager to shake the unpleasant surge, Chrysalis shook her head slightly and gave Hazelnut a smile.
“Well, all of that will soon be a forgotten memory. I am here to get Pokey back on his hooves, and with me, he’ll be happy once again. I have so many deliciously wonderful ideas on how to perk him up, and I’m not going to leave him for anything.”
Hazelnut’s smile grew, and she clapped her hooves. “Wonderful! I do hope you can bring back the old Hokey Pokey. Just be gentle with him, and take your time. He’s going to be very cautious now about opening his heart.”
“Hazel, if anypony can fix him, it’s me,” Chrysalis said with pride. “In fact, I was just on my way to the palace to give him a little surprise.”
“Oh, and here I am, yammering away! Forgive me, dear. Off with you now! Go spread some cheer, and let me know how it goes!”
“I’ll be sure to keep you in the loop.” Chrysalis glanced around, then leaned towards Hazel. “Between you and me, do you think he’ll like how I look?”
The kindly neighbor squinted, leaned in even closer, and took a long moment to evaluate the queen with a critical eye. “He’ll like your glasses for sure, but I’m not sure that grey is your color, dear. I think you’d look better in green.”
“Oh, more like this?” Chrysalis changed her coat color in a flash of balefire, and Hazelnut nodded.
“Much better! Pokey will love it! Now, off with you! Go show that guard who’s really in charge!”
“Yes, ma’am!” Chrysalis saluted with a laugh, and with a final wave, she was off to the palace.
“Such a nice young mare,” Hazelnut softly said to herself. “I’ll have to ask her about her waxy outer coating later. It must be some kind of changeling detection spell that’s been placed on her. She looks quite silly with it, but who am I to judge?”
* * ✹ * *
“All too easy.”
Chrysalis strode through the main doors of Sunbutt’s palace with a gleeful cackle, and she paused for a moment to properly savor the moment. The posted guards at the gates and at the doors had offered no questions, nor had they made any sort of move to stop and arrest her. The changeling queen was obviously still the master of deception, since her presence had not elicited a major response, even with her waxy outer layer.
But now it was time to take care of business. The sooner she got the wax off, the sooner she could get back to her hive and deal with the ache that had lodged in her chest like a thorn. The walk from Pokey’s house to the palace had been filled with uncomfortable thoughts about how she might have hurt her Pokey, and she didn’t wish to dwell on the prospect any more.
It was his own dumb fault, she had said to herself in an attempt to rationalize her actions. He was the one who had been deceived. The fact that she was so good at stealing love and manipulating ponies was not something that should be held against her.
Chrysalis glanced around the ornate foyer, and she smirked as her eyes settled on her first victim. The hapless earth pony guard was standing at the archway to one of the various halls, and the changeling knew that the guards posted in such positions were also tasked with helping lost ponies to find their way in the cavernous center of Equestrian government.
She silently thanked Pokey for the involuntarily-given knowledge as she slinked her way over. The poor fool was bored out of his mind, and a flood of eager emotions surged out of him as her eyes met his.
Or, at least she was pretty sure they were eager. It was hard to tell for sure, since emotions still tasted like week-old gum to her. With a note to herself to figure out what that Bean had done to mess with her taste receptors, she flashed the guard a winning smile. “Good morning, sir. I wonder if you could assist me with something,” she purred.
The guard didn’t respond.
Chrysalis tossed her mane back as far as the wax coating would permit and batted her eyes. “My name is Shutterbug, and I’m doing some research on military spending. Might I ask you a few questions?”
Again, nothing happened. Chrysalis blinked once, then retreated a step.
“Well, if you won’t answer any questions, can you at least tell me where I could find the archives? I’m looking for some information.”
The guard did not respond to Chrysalis’s perfectly logical question. She could not possibly know that there had been orders given out at the highest level, in triplicate, for the Royal Guard to ignore any possible sightings of the Changeling Queen, and that the current guard was struggling on the cusp between laughter and asking just how she had managed to get waxed. All Chrysalis saw was the unwavering armored exterior giving off a terrible tasting mix of multiple pony emotions, the primary one of which was humor.
“Never mind!” she huffed, stomping down the hallway. “I’ll find it myself!”
* * ✹ * *
“Stupid, idiotic, worthless lumps of metal!” Chrysalis snarled as she paused at a four-way intersection of hallways. “Worthless, the whole bunch of them.”
She glanced up and down the similar-looking pathways, and she snorted. Every single guard she had met was the same, all the way down to the same emotional cocktail and unresponsive stares. It was like trying to get an intelligent response out of her own moronic minions, but without the option of corporal punishment.
And snickering. She wasn’t sure why, but she was sure she could hear snickering when she had her back turned to any of the ponies in the palace.
The changeling queen twisted around and glanced down the hallway she’d just come down. Even if she could find the archives in this sprawling labyrinth, she had no idea where she’d begin to look for the book on wax remover.
“How does Sunbutt find anything in this place?” she muttered. “She wouldn’t have nearly so much trouble if she was in my hive.”
Settling on the hallway presently to her right, Chrysalis moved up to a trot and grumbled under her breath about her sufferings. All of this trouble, and for what? A ridiculous pegasus guard, that’s what. No pony was worth all of this anguish, no matter how handsome he was. Or how his clear blue eyes sparkled, or how those finely-toned muscles rippled under that beautiful royal purple coat…
“Chrysalis?!” A proud voice broke her thoughts, and she secretly relished the twinge of delight that came to her heart as her Pokey quickly approached and grabbed her shoulder. “What in the name of Celestia are you doing here?!”
“What do you think I’m doing?” she snapped back. “I’m here to get the wax remover!”
“You are the most pigheaded creature I’ve ever met. There is no such thing! Even if there was, why do you think we’d keep anything like that here in the palace?”
“Pokey?” Sergeant Clover Leaf called out. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing, just a little pest problem,” he replied as his partner rounded the corner.
Clover Leaf stood there for several long moments, her eyes locked on the slicked sight before her. Her wings ruffled, and her body jerked with odd convulsions.
It was a shame that humor didn’t have the same power that love did. Chrysalis would be fattened up for months.
“All right, are you done?” Chrysalis snarled. “This isn’t funny.”
“You’re right. It’s hysterical!” Clover cackled. “Why did you wax Queen Chrysalis, Pokey? Not that it isn’t hilarious, but what twisted bedroom games were you two playing?”
“She did it herself,” started Pokey, only to have Clover Leaf suck in a frantic breath and start laughing even harder.
“That’s so stupid!” gasped Clover.
“WHAT?!”
Pokey’s wings flared out, and he stepped in between his partner’s impersonation of a hyena and the infuriated walking candle. “Look, this is really not the place or time for this. You have to get out of here.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me how to get this stuff off!” Chrysalis snarled.
“Off?” Clover let out a snort of derision. “That stuff doesn’t come off. No guard wants to be constantly waxing their armor. It’s going to stay on, no matter what you do.”
Chrysalis blinked once. “What.”
“Chrysalis, listen to me,” Pokey began to push the queen back down the hallway. “Unless you have a burning desire to be imprisoned again, you’ve got to leave. Princess Celestia and Prince Bean’s personal quarters are right here, and Bean’s parents are still here. If you stay, you’re going to end up taking a pregnant alicorn’s full fury right in the face.”
“Nah, let her stay,” Clover offered with a devious grin. “I would love to see her lit up like a candle, since she looks like one anyway.”
“Not helping,” Pokey grumbled before turning his full attention to the queen. “Chrysalis, have I ever given you a reason to doubt me? I said I would ask around, and I will. Now get out of here before somepony sees you, please?”
Chrysalis glanced to Clover, then back to her Pokey. “Fine. But you better have something when you get home tonight.”
“If there’s something to be had.”
With a sneer for Clover, Chrysalis snapped her tail and began to march back down the hallway.
“Oh, Chrissy?” Clover playfully called out. “The exit would be that way.”
The two guards watched on in silence as the changeling queen grumbled herself down the correct hallway, but once she was out of sight, Pokey let out a long and frustrated huff.
“Take pictures,” Clover said with a small chuckle. “Nopony is going to believe Queen Chrysalis actually waxed herself without photographic evidence.”
“To say nothing of the blackmail opportunities,” he quipped.
“But then what?” Clover turned to her partner and gave him a concerned look. “As funny as this is, you can’t let that termite stay in your house, Pokey. She’s already destroyed your life once. You gotta take care of the pest before she eats through your defenses and ruins everything again.”
“It’s not that easy,” Pokey replied. “I would just kick her out, but—”
“But what, Sergeant?” a third voice asked.
“Captain Armor, Sir!” The two guards snapped to attention and saluted as their commanding officer suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Shining Armor gave the two of them a critical and sour glare as he rounded them once in a quick inspection, and he frowned when he finally stopped and faced them directly.
“At ease. Is there something you’d like to report, Sergeant Pokey?”
Pokey hesitated, his ears splaying back on his head as he tried to figure out how to report on what had happened. “Um… Can I have a few hours to think on that, Sir? It’s rather complicated.”
Clover remained absolutely silent and immobile, a state which Pokey was beginning to envy.
One of his eyebrows slid up, and it was clear that the good Captain did not appreciate Pokey’s response. “How about you give me the gist of it, Sergeant? And please use small words, so I’ll be sure to understand.”
“Yes, Sir.” Pokey swallowed hard and wondered how his life had spiraled so far out of control. “There was an incident last night at my house, Sir. Chrysalis broke in and covered herself in the armor wax that I keep on hoof. She was…” Pokey cleared his throat “she was trying to seduce me, Sir, but I refused her advances.”
“Oh, this just keeps getting better and better,” Shining groaned. “Pokey, I’m still trying to decide if this whole mess is my loyal guard defending Princess Celestia by flinging his body in the way of a possible invasion, or if it’s my guard being subborned by an enemy in the oddest possible fashion. Hearing things like that does not ease my concerns.
“Now, let me make this as clear as possible: I don’t care what the reason is. If Chrysalis ever gets this far into the palace again, I expect both of you to deal with the situation appropriately, and with force. Understand?”
“Sir! Yes, Sir!” both guards replied.
“Good. Now, I’m going to stand right here, and you are going to share every last detail of what happened last night with the Queen.”
“Um...” Pokey swallowed. “Including the stockings?”
Clover locked her jaws closed and trembled with restrained laughter, giving out a tiny snort when Shining Armor said, “Particularly the stockings.”
* * ✹ * *
Hokey Pokey hesitated when he reached his front door, resting his hoof on the latch. Dealing with Chrysalis was fast becoming more trouble than it was worth, and he felt conflicted about how to best move forward.
The conversation with his commanding officer had been rather blunt and somewhat brutal, but at least he had successfully managed to leave out his testing of the bug’s pillow properties. Thankfully, by the end of his explanation, his Captain had relaxed slightly, and there were hints of sympathy for Pokey’s ensnarement in Chrysalis’ latest plan.
Clover, however, had been discouraged by way of direct orders and dire threats from mentioning a word of the proceedings.
Pokey’s hoof slid off the latch. He reached into his saddlebags with a wing, and produced a large tin of unlabeled armor wax. As promised, he had asked his fellow guards—and Captain Armor—about possible removal methods, and the answers had been “interesting.” A couple of guards thought the wax would last, but the vast majority believed that the Queen would be free in a couple of weeks, at the worst.
Unless Pokey were to extend that time. Chrysalis had no way of verifying the results of Pokey’s questions, so Clover had noted that Pokey could tell her anything he wanted to. In fact, he could tell Chrysalis that the tin of wax that he now held was the removal agent, and that with daily application, she would be back to her old matte self in five months instead of six.
The idea had made sense to him, of course. Chrysalis would remain waxed, and thus under control in Canterlot, and her drones would be left to themselves. A tyrant like her retained power by squashing individuality and independent thought, and without her central direction, any potential attack they might mount would be scattered, disorganized, and ineffective. With luck, the queen-less drones would descend into anarchy, divide themselves into factions and destroy each other.
By the time Chrysalis got back to her hive, it would be far too late, and the changeling threat to Equestria would be no more.
But where would that leave Chrysalis? Would she simply start over, somehow, and bide her time until she had assembled an unstoppable horde of changelings? Equestria would be secure for several decades, perhaps, but what then?
Pokey drew in another long breath. While he was concerned about the future potential problems that could occur, Pokey found his thoughts remained fixed on an image of Chrysalis, sitting on the burning and empty remnants of her hive, wasting away without a source of love and simply waiting to starve to death.
He had every reason to lie to Chrysalis. If he did not keep her in check, his whole career could be destroyed, to say nothing of what might happen to his charge and to his Equestria.
But if he did…
“Pokey?” The door cracked open, and the Queen’s glowing green eyes peered at him through a pair of glasses. “You’re back early. Did you find anything?”
“Let me in,” he softly said. “I’ll tell you what I found out.”
Chrysalis stepped aside, and Pokey slowly walked in, his gaze on his hooves. His eyes moved up when the door shut, and all of his previous thoughts were promptly bucked back out into the cold.
“Chrysalis?” He pointed with a hoof to the large, black-veined blob that was in the corner of his front room. “Do I want to know what that is?”
“It’s a pod, stupid,” Chrysalis replied, and she put a hoof on the sickly green surface with a gleeful smile. “Do you like it? I made it myself.”
“Follow up question, if I may. Why is there a pod in my front room?!”
“It’s going to be for you, if you keep asking ridiculous questions. Otherwise, it’s for me.”
“Please elaborate.”
“There’s nothing quite like sleeping on a bed of liquified love, Hokey Pokey,” Chrysalis said with a purr of delight. “You should really try it. I could share this one with you, if you like; I did make it large enough for two. I can even move it into your room, if that would make it better.”
Pokey wanted to snap out a reply, but he stopped when a realization hit him. “Wait. You put this here so you’d have a place to sleep?”
“It’s not like I have another choice, do I?” Chrysalis said. “Unless you have a way to unwax me, I can’t go back to the hive and I can’t go out in public. I have to stay hidden.”
“What about your drones?”
“I sent out a letter on my way back here, telling them I was going undercover to secure a new source of love. They managed without me for a time when I impersonated Lovebutt, so they should behave themselves if they think I’m going to bring them food later.”
“And when you don’t?”
Chrysalis shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the first time I came back to them empty-hooved. I’ll just figure out something else. There will be a lot of whining, but I’ve tolerated worse over the years. It just takes a lot of shouting to drown them out.”
Chrysalis’ gaze went to her hooves now, and Pokey thought over her actions. The changeling queen was willing to starve her hordes. He had expected her to demand love in exchange for a non-aggression pact, but the glint in her eyes told him that she’d never even considered the idea.
She was holding back for him, even if she didn’t fully realize it.
“So, what did you find? Is there a way to get this stuff off?”
This was the point where he was supposed to lie. It should not have been difficult. Chrysalis lied all the time, so lying to her about the wax was only proper. If he wanted to become more like her.
“Yes and no,” Pokey said after a long and thoughtful moment. “Nopony knows of a way to remove it, but since chitin and armor are different things, it was generally agreed that it would probably wear off in a week or two.”
Chrysalis’ demeanor perked up considerably with this news. “I see.”
“You can stay here until it does,” he said, with the hope that he would not regret his decision later and one long thought about how he was going to tell Captain Shining Armor, preferably without Clover in the vicinity. “But you can’t leave that… thing in my front room. Move it to the spare room.”
Chrysalis nodded, and she began to snip the support threads that held the pod up against the wall. “You know, I’ve been thinking that I needed a vacation lately. This gives me the perfect excuse, doesn’t it?”
“Sure.” It might be a vacation for her, but Pokey felt like he was entering a waking nightmare. Having an ex-marefriend move back in was always high on the list of no-no’s in any relationship, and the warning was probably magnified by several degrees when the ex was the sworn enemy of your liege.
But there was just a hint of joy in his feelings as he watched Chrysalis scrunch up her nose and hoist the pod up with her magic. She might be an evil tyrant, but she could be as cute as a button at times.
Pokey sighed as he flopped down on his couch, his mind filled with images of his potential cashiering in the center of Canterlot. There were so many ways this whole Chrysalis situation could go sideways on him, and yet he just couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it.
His thoughts were broken when his hoof brushed up against an unfamiliar object, and his eyes flicked down.
It was a crossword puzzle book, and a freshly-printed one at that. A smile tugged at his lips as he flipped the book open, and for a brief moment, he thought over all of the times when he and Bluebelle had sat on that couch, whittling many a pleasurable hour away as they chatted and laughed while filling in the small boxes.
A pair of perforated legs wrapped around him, and a lock of wax-bound cerulean mane dangled into his peripheral view. “You better not be writing in any answers. You know I have to be first, and I will stuff you in that pod and suck out all of your emotions in the most painful way possible if you ruined it.”
“Just looking,” he said as Chrysalis released him, slithered over the back of the couch and sat next to him. “I’ve already gotten into enough trouble today.”
“So, tell me something.” Chrysalis pulled back a stray lock of mane that was in her face with a small huff. “Did my efforts to seduce you even work? Do you like the way I look right now?”
Pokey chuckled. “Not really. But I’ll take shiny changeling over wax-coated pony any time. You looked ridiculous.”
Chrysalis leaned back and have him a lecherous grin. “You’re lying again. I can taste a hint of lust and anticipation. It tastes like hot sauce, you know.”
“Okay. So maybe having a hot mare in the shower this morning was a little distracting,” he admitted. “You do pull off the shiny look quite well, and the glasses give you a naughty librarian sort of look.”
“Interesting. I didn’t know you were that type, Sergeant. Maybe I’ll keep them, just for you.” Chrysalis snatched the book away and produced a pencil, but her eyes remained on him. “You know, I did enjoy the little chats we used to share when we worked on these together. Do you think we could do that again, maybe? Just to help pass the time, of course.”
Pokey studied her face for a moment, chuckled a bit as he looked at his reflection on her glossy exterior, and the corners of his mouth twitched upward. “Five across would be ‘renew.’”
“Hey!” she bristled in an abrupt change of emotional pace. “Not until I ask!”
Ever so carefully, Chrysalis filled in the letters, then paused with her pencil resting on the paper. The pause stretched for quite some time before she cleared her throat and added, “Six down. Ten letters, starting with C.”
“Compromise?” said Pokey.
Chrysalis grunted, but with a trace of a grin. “I suppose that would work.”
The Castle of The Two Sisters was not a place that any pony went to willingly, and that fact was doubly true for Princess Luna. There were too many foul memories of betrayal there, to say nothing of the life she had lived with her own dear husband and child.
Yet now she stood at the old rostrum that had once been the very center of her Kingdom, looking down upon the ruin with a calm, impassive stare. She was expecting company, and her guests were never late.
Hooffalls began to thunder down a distant hallway, and Luna’s expression turned grim. It was time for justice to be served, and she would ensure that it would be poured out in full measure and without mercy.
A small orb of blue smoke materialized behind her, and she refused to look at the creature. “Greetings, Tantabus. I am ready. Do your worst!”
The tantabus wasted no time. It surged to life, with thick black tendrils that lashed out and surrounded the lunar princess in a sphere of pure pitch. Dark magics flooded the hall as Luna cried out in painful agony, but she deserved neither mercy nor relief.
Luna felt the evil pour into her body, corrupting her mind and corroding her soul back to the monster that she had once been. Despite the exquisite pains, a cackle of wicked delight rose from her chest as her teeth deformed and twisted into fangs. This was a power she had loved and nurtured for over a thousand years, fueled by jealousy and hate and strengthened by sisterly affronts and cold rejection.
The ponies of Equestria were fools to believe that she could ever fully turn away from this dark power. It was her, and the all-consuming hatred would never be sated. Her sister’s precious ponies wanted a princess, but they would have a Queen, dark but beautiful, as terrible as the tempestuous sea, and stronger than the foundations of the earth! Her glorious night would last forever, and all would love her and despair!
“Luna!”
The corrupted Queen fired a bolt of magic at her infuriating sister. “Greetings, Celestia! I have been expecting you!”
Celestia parried the shot with her own magic. “What is this madness, Luna?!”
“Madness? You think me mad, do you?” she sneered. “Did you really expect me to sit idly by while they all basked in your precious light? There can only be one princess in Equestria, and that princess will be me!”
Another bolt of death magic flared out, rending and tearing at the wall, then the ceiling as it tracted Celestia’s flight to dodge the destruction. Celestia was only able to stay ahead of the devastation by inches, but she refused to counter the magic with her own.
Celestia was so predictable. It was going to be a pleasure to watch her break.
“Luna, I will not fight you!” Celestia proclaimed, her wings flaring as she faced the demon head on. “You must lower the moon! It is your duty!”
“Luna? I am Nightmare Moon!” the twisted Luna replied. “I have but one royal duty now: to destroy you!”
Another beam of death struck, but Celestia teleported away from the danger, reappearing on the far end of the hall. “Oh, dear Sister. You leave me no choice but to use… these!”
Nightmare Moon cackled as Celestia’s magic summoned the mythical Elements of Harmony. “You are a fool! The Elements can not save you now!”
Tears began to streak down Celestia’s cheeks as she positioned the gems in front of her, with the Element of Magic in the center of the circle. “But they are the only thing that can save you.”
Nightmare Moon was done with this infernal charade! With every last bit of magic she could muster, she threw the most powerful magic blast that Equestria would ever see at her horrid sister.
Her heart froze when the blast was met, then slowly driven back by Celestia’s amplified magic. This was impossible! Her sister could not win!
Nightmare Moon screamed out in agony as the Elements of Harmony overpowered her and found their mark. She screamed as the magic carried her up and away, until she had been sealed away in the moon once more.
* * ✹ * *
Celestia screamed as she bolted upright in bed. Sweat poured down her face, but it only took a moment for her tears to mingle and flow down her cheeks once more.
“Celly?” Baked Bean’s perfect voice called out in the dark, and a tender hoof touched her shoulder. “What is it? Are you okay?”
“Oh, Bean!” she wailed, her wing reaching out to pull him into her embrace. “It happened again! Luna… she turned into Nightmare Moon, and I… I had to…”
Bean hugged his wife tightly, and his lips caressed her cheek as he gently tried to shush her fears. “It’s okay, Celly. It’s okay. It was just a nightmare, nothing more. It wasn’t real. Luna is still Luna, safe with us here in Canterlot.”
“It was so real,” she whispered with a sob. “It was like I was there, living it all over again.”
“Sister?” Luna’s gentle voice called out, and her cyan eyes betrayed her concern as she entered the bedroom. “I heard a scream. What has happened?”
“Nightmare,” Bean managed through the stranglehold Celestia had on his neck.
“A nightmare? But how?” Luna quickly made her way to Celestia’s side, and with a sweep of a white wing, she found herself within Celestia’s warm embrace. “I am so sorry, Celly! Had I known, I would have banished it before it could afflict you!”
“I know you would have, Lulu,” Celestia said with a sniffle. “Thank you.”
After several long moments filled with warm and comforting hugs, Luna was released from Celestia’s grasp. “What more can I do to help you, Celly?”
“Nothing, dear Lulu,” Celestia said as Bean pecked her cheek. “I am sorry I disturbed your evening. I am fine now, and I will keep my cuddle Bean close for the rest of the night.”
Luna nodded. “Do not hesitate to inform me of any need, Sister. I will be watching your dreams very closely.”
Celestia smiled, but it was a slightly off-centered smile that betrayed an inner embarrassment. “Well, maybe there is one thing you could do for me.”
“Anything.”
“Could you, perhaps, run down to the kitchen for me? I think I would feel better if I had a slice of Bean’s rhubarb pie.”
Luna grinned. “With two scoops of pistachio ice cream?”
“Maybe three,” Celestia said.
* * ✹ * *
“Truly, Sister, I had no idea,” Luna offered another apology as she followed Celestia out on the balcony. “I have never had a nightmare so close go undetected.”
“It’s fine, Lulu,” Celestia said, her horn lighting to raise the sun. “What truly matters to me is that it was just a dream. I know that it will never be real, and that you will always be here for me.”
Luna laughed lightly as she slid the moon below the horizon. “To say nothing of your devoted husband. Where is he, anyway?”
“Mm ‘ere.” Bean’s mumbled response came with a cough and a shudder. “So cold.”
“Bean?” Celestia quickly put the sun into place, then pulled her pale-looking husband into a hug with a worried frown. “You look terrible.”
“I feel terrible,” he mumbled again. “This hit me out of nowhere. I think I might have caught that feather flu you had a while ago.”
“I doubt that,” Celestia replied, her hoof going to his forehead. “But you are feverish. Let’s get you down to Doctor Horsenpfeffer.”
* * ✹ * *
“Feather flu?” Horsenpfeffer scoffed behind her surgical mask, and she tugged her exam gloves on with a snap. “If you do have it, I’m going to write you up in every medical journal there is. Feather flu only affects ponies with feathers.”
Bean mumbled something, but he had no energy to make it coherent. It had taken all that he had just to get back to his bed from the balcony, and even then, Celestia had levitated him most of the way like she was towing a fuzzy balloon.
“I am willing to believe you have the regular flu, however,” the doctor went on, a tongue depressor in hoof. “Say ‘ah.’ There’s been a recent outbreak. What I really want to know is how you missed getting the flu shot. I know I got the Princesses.”
“Don’t remind me,” Luna grumbled, her hoof absentmindedly reaching back to rub her right flank. “The needle you used was as big as my horn, I swear.”
“I’ll use a bigger one next year if I have to track you down again,” Horsenpfeffer threatened. “So, let’s run down the symptoms. Tired and achy? Chills? Cough? Stuffy nose? Sore throat?”
Bean nodded weakly to all of them.
“Say ‘ah’ again.” Horsenpfeffer produced a cotton swab in her magic and stuck it in his mouth. “Hold still for me, I need to swab the back of your throat. I’m gonna gag you just a bit… and done.” She turned as Bean coughed, sticking the swab in a container and capping it tightly. “Okay. Given your symptoms, I am ninety eight point six percent sure that you have the flu. If that swab comes up with something else, I’ll let you know. For now, there’s two main things you need: rest, and fluids. Drink as much water as you can, but throw in some orange juice here and there. Other than that, you just have to ride this thing out. Hopefully you’ll be over it in a couple of days, but it can take upwards of a week to fully recover. The more you rest, the sooner you’ll get better.
“Make sure he eats every now and then, too,” Horsenpfeffer went on, her attention moving to Celestia. “But I doubt he’ll have much of an appetite. With the sore throat, you want to make the meals easy-to-swallow things, like mashed potatoes and applesauce. Warm broth would be good, too.”
“Baby food,” croaked Bean.
“For the big baby,” continued the doctor. “Some chamomile tea might help his sore throat, or you can try some honey lemon. I would tell you to avoid contact, but I might as well go tell the sky to be pink while I’m at it. Just let me know if you feel the onset of any symptoms, so I can quarantine you as soon as possible. That goes for you too, Princess Luna.”
“What is the probability of us becoming ill?” Luna asked, a note of worry in her voice.
“Honestly? Probably pretty low. You’ve had the flu shot, and you alicorns have superpowered immune systems anyway. I doubt there’s much threat to you directly. I would keep others away from him, though. Especially Wysteria, if she happens to stop in. That’s the last thing she needs right now.”
“I am sure Bean will be persuaded to stay here, in bed and away from everypony else,” Celestia said with a soft smile. “Thank you, Doctor.”
“My pleasure. Let me know if you need anything else.”
“Shall I cancel Day Court, Celly?” Luna asked as Horsenpfeffer packed her black bag and left. “Or perhaps I should take your place.”
“I believe we shall cancel it for today,” Celestia said, her smile growing as she pointed to Bean with a hoof. “Though I don’t think there’s much I can do for him while he’s sleeping.”
Luna chuckled. Baked Bean was snoring softly, having curled up into a tight ball, and her magic reached out to tuck the blanket tightly around him. “He reminds me of my Twilight. My heart would break in two whenever she was sick.”
“You used to dote on her so carefully,” Celestia said as they tiphooved to the door. “I suppose this gives me a chance to dote upon him?”
“As if you do not do that already,” Luna countered with a playful huff. “We shall say you are practicing for the inevitable moment when Nilla will catch a cold.”
“My daughter?” Celestia gasped. “Never! I shall incinerate every last germ known to ponykind before I let that happen!”
Luna paused, and one eyebrow made a move towards her mane. “I fear you may be telling the truth.”
“I do not think such a purge would end well for anything larger than the germs,” Celestia said. “Sergeants?”
“Your Highness!” Pokey and Clover snapped a crisp salute.
“Prince Bean has come down with the flu, and he needs to rest. See to it that he’s not disturbed until I return.”
“Yes, ma’am!”
“Thank you. Luna, would you mind helping me with the petitioners for today? If there are any who are not from Canterlot, we should make arrangements to have them stay, or at least to get a written statement from them.”
Luna nodded and fell into step next to her sister. “Of course. Is Wysteria scheduled to come in today?”
“She is. She wanted to speak with Trixie and update her notes. We should probably have her stay home, shouldn’t we?”
“At least until we are sure that she is not at risk for infection.”
“Very well. I will have Miss Trixie send her a scroll immediately.”
“Why don’t I go find Miss Lulamoon, and you can begin with the petitioners?” Luna suggested. “If yesterday was any indication, there will be a sizable queue already.”
“That may be for the best. I will meet you in the throne room.”
Luna gave her sister a short hug before moving down an adjacent hallway. The news of Celestia’s nightmare was most troublesome, and now that she had a moment, she needed to deal with the issue. The tantabus’ strength was growing stronger, and it was clear that she needed to put tighter controls and stricter regulations upon her creation. While she did not believe it had directly entered Celestia’s dream, the tantabus had obviously tainted it from a distance, and that was unacceptable.
But such controls could be easily placed, and in short order. Once that was completed, she would resume her normal activities, and double check her work that evening, when she had more time to spare.
Her dear sister had already suffered far more than she should have for Luna’s sake. After tonight, Luna would be sure that her self inflicted punishment would only punish her, as it was meant to.
* * ✹ * *
“This is going to be a long day, isn’t it?” Sergeant Clover Leaf huffed in a low voice. “I hate just standing around.”
“I’ll take a break in the action,” Sergeant Hokey Pokey replied. “I need a down day to sort out everything.”
“What?” Clover gave Pokey a mischievous grin. “Is your marefriend causing problems?”
“Sergeant Pokey!” Lieutenant Spear Point’s voice boomed as he rounded the corner, his eyes burning with fury.
“That answer your question?” Pokey grumbled.
“Let's have a little chat about your marefriend, shall we?” Lieutenant Point’s voice was frighteningly soft, and he produced a manila folder with his magic. "Do you know what she's been up to lately?"
“Not completely, sir, no. She always changes the subject when I ask.”
“Let me fill you in, then,” Lieutenant Point sarcastically drawled, his magic flipping the folder open. “Here we go. Yesterday, oh nine thirty, Chrysalis leaves your house. Oh nine thirty nine, we received a report from a local newsstand about the theft of thirty three crossword puzzle books. At ten fourteen, a complaint was filed about a run-by fruiting by two pegasi who were across the street from a produce stand. The assailant was described as ‘a svelte grey unicorn who looked like she’d been dipped in candle wax.’”
Clover let out a snicker, but promptly stuffed it back down her throat when Spear Point glared at her. “I’ll make sure to pass along your sympathies for their loss, Sergeant.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“Eleven forty one, a trespassing call came in from the Royal Library. Seems a vagrant green unicorn—it was assumed she was a vagrant, given her overall greasy appearance—was caught moving a sizeable stack of self-help books into the fantasy section, but fled the scene before security could detain her. Twelve twenty, a food cart in the Quarter District reports the theft of four hayburgers, two servings of onion rings, a large soda, and six extra-stuffed mozzarella sticks. Twelve forty one, private security at the east observation deck attempts to detain a greasy blue pegasus for throwing litter off the side of Mount Canter. Thirteen twelve, a report comes in from the owner of The Wooden Spoon regarding an oddly shiny trespasser who was caught putting pepper in their salt shakers and salt in the pepper shakers, and then leaving all of the lids loose. Thirteen fifty five, another newsstand reports the theft of their entire stock of crossword puzzle books. I could go on, but I think you get the drift.
“Pokey, let me lay this out very clearly for you: this can not continue. At the least, dealing with these nuisance reports is a waste of horsepower and resources, and at the worst, your marefriend is probing our defenses so she can figure out how to take us down."
"With crossword puzzle books, sir?" said Pokey.
The good Lieutenant stopped for a moment with his jaw still working, like he was grinding his teeth down to the gumline, then continued in sharp, individual words like the spearpoints of his namesake. "I don't care, and I don't care what the Princesses have said. If this keeps up, I'm going to lock her in the most secure, cold, clammy cell in the deepest section of the dungeons and claim 'unexplained dynamic shifts in battlefield paradigms' if asked. Either you get her under control, or I will. Is that understood?”
“Yes, sir. Crystal clear, sir.”
Lieutenant Spear Point snorted, then marched away without further comment. Once the two guards were somewhat sure that he wouldn't make a surprise encore appearance, Clover Leaf let out a low whistle.
“Wow. Did you know she did all that?”
“I knew about the crossword puzzles. She wouldn’t tell me where or how she’d gotten them last night, but she kept giggling and grinning to herself like an idiot, so I figured she’d stolen them and I’d get stuck with the bill.”
“And you just let her get away with it?”
“Had to. Any time I brought up the subject, she’d stick her hooves in her ears and start chanting loudly.” Pokey shook his head and drew in a long breath. “Honestly, I’m ready to throw her in the dungeons myself. It’s infuriating, you know? I want to believe she can behave, but then she pulls a stunt like that, and I just want to throttle her. I don’t know if I can tolerate her acting like this.”
“Oh, c’mon now, Sergeant!” Discord’s unwelcome voice suddenly cut into the conversation, and the draconequus burst in with a blinding flash. “I really thought you and the bug had hit it off! Just think of the cute little ponlings you’ll have! Or would they be Changnies? Pegadrones?”
“Is there any particular reason you’re here, or are you just stopping by to be annoying?” Pokey snapped. “And why are you dressed like that?”
Discord let out a humpf of annoyance, tilted back the bowl-shaped helmet on his head, and tugged on the bottom of his green military-looking dress coat. “Well, I was trying to fit in, but there’s obviously no accounting for taste. Maybe if I give myself a few more meritorious medals for bravery and courage?” Discord examined one of the many medals on his chest before popping it into his mouth. “Oh, where are my manners. Care for a mint?”
“I’ll pass, thanks,” the pegasus sergeant replied dryly.
“Discord, as a duly designated representative of Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, I order you to cease any and all chaotic activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the next convenient parallel dimension,” Clover said, keeping her tone as professional as possible.
“Oh poo.” Discord pouted. “But I just got here, and those stairs are murder on my dogs.”
“Please don’t clarify that with some morbid visual. I happen to like dogs,” Clover added quickly hoping to cut off the trickster before he once again turned her off to something else she once loved.⁽*⁾
⁽*⁾She still couldn’t stomach chocolate milk, and that had been one of her favorite drinks.
—
“You guards are just as boring as Celestia sometimes, you know that?” Discord groaned. “Good thing Pokey is here to help make things interesting. In fact, that’s why I’m here! I have a special invitation for you.”
“No, not in a million years, no,” Pokey instantly replied.
“Oh, come now. You haven’t even heard what it is yet.”
“Don’t care. The last time you gave a pony an invitation to anything, Wysteria came back pregnant. With twins! Whatever it is you’re trying to sell, I’m not buying.”
“I thought we already established that Wysteria was going to get knocked up, even if I hadn’t interferred.” Discord huffed and folded his arms tightly. “You try to do something nice for a pony, and look what happens. If I wasn’t reformed, I’d be seriously tempted to stick your wings on your head.”
Pokey glared at Discord for a moment, but then his stance softened. “Fine, fine. What is this invitation of yours?”
Discord’s mood flipped instantly, and he snapped to attention with a devious grin. “That’s more like it! Sergeant, Colonel Discord has been on the lookout for the most elite soldiers to join the newly created Chaos Corps, and you’ve managed to catch his eye. Do you think you have what it takes? Are you ready to fight alongside your Colonel, and give me your five bits, if it comes to that? Will you bring a sack lunch and some orange slices, and serve your country? What say you?!”
“Chaos Corps? Really?” Pokey asked flatly. “Why would any guard want to be a part of something like that?”
“We have dental,” announced Discord, pulling out a chattering set of dentures.
“Pass,” said Pokey.
“But wait, there’s more!” Discord pulled a bedazzled podium from the sky, instantaneously changed into a silver sequined tuxedo, and gestured with his paw to the Royal Carriage that was now in the middle of the hallway on a spinning platform. “Don’t change that channel! I know this offer sounds too good to be true—”
“That’s the understatement of the week,” Clover muttered.
“—but for a limited time, I'll even throw in a doubling of your rank! Call now, Captain, operators are standing by!” Discord snapped his paw and returned everything to normal. “Now then, where did that charming Bean get to? I was going to invite him to come play a game of canasta at my house, but I haven’t seen him all day.”
“The Prince is ill and requires rest. If you wish to talk to the Princesses they are in the throne room,” Pokey said.
“One of them is,” Discord corrected. “The other one is working some dark arcane magics at the moment to keep her little pet at bay.”
“What pet?” Clover asked as Discord started to gift-wrap a box labelled ‘Genuine Shadow Monstrosity Litter Box With Fresh Step Scent.’
“Never you mind. Forget I mentioned it,” Discord replied. “Tell me, what afflicts the poor prince? Scurvy? Lurgi? The plague? The pox? Tennis elbow? Infomercials? I have some handy cures for all of those, you know. I am a licenced doctor in five and a half other dimensions.”
“He’s got the flu,” Pokey said, his hoof on the bridge of his nose. “Celestia doesn’t want him to be disturbed.”
“The flu? How quaint. I remember the flu,” Discord mused. “Nothing at all like Symbalene Blood Burn. Now that is a fun disease! Imagine setting your insides on fire—”
“Is there any chance we could not have this conversation right now?” Baked Bean asked. “I already feel like I’m burning up.”
“Sir!” Clover and Pokey whirled and saluted. “So sorry to disturb you, sir!”
“Wasn’t you,” he murmured with a sniffle, and he pulled the blanket he was wearing tight around his neck. “Had to throw up. Where is Celly?”
“Cancelling Day Court, sir. She wishes to remain with you for the day.”
“She’s got better things to do than fuss over me.” Bean stepped out and began to walk down the hall.
“Where are you going, sir?” Clover called out.
“First, kitchen. Gonna get some broth going. Then gonna tell Celly to hold Day Court.”
“I think it would be better if you stayed in your room, sir,” Pokey said.
“I’m sick, not dead,” he grumbled. “I can handle broth. Just take a minute.”
“You’re also contagious,” Discord added before imprisoning the prince in a giant glass dome. “Sorry, Bean-o, but I’m going to have to agree with Chrissy’s coltfriend on this one. If you get the staff sick, then the ambient chaos that comes with bureaucracy will be affected, and I can’t have that.”
“Discord, let me out.” Bean tried to level the request with some sort of authority, but it came out with a wheeze and a cough, along with a wet noseprint against the inside of his glass prison. “I’m not going to infect anypony.”
“And Celestia is really a changeling in disguise,” Discord shot back. “Not happening, Bean. In fact…”
With a snap, Bean found himself back in his bed, a thermometer in his mouth and an ice pack on his head. For a moment, he tried to wriggle out, but he was forced to give up when the blankets slithered around him and held fast.
“There. Now, you just lay there and think healing thoughts,” Discord ordered. “Pokey and Clover will handle the broth, and Nurse Discord will stay right here to take care of you until Celestia gets done with her day.”
Bean blinked at the sight of Discord in green scrubs, his face obscured by a surgical mask and surgeon’s cap. “You’re seriously going to sit here all day?”
“All day,” Discord confirmed. “It is the mark of a good friend that they are willing to make great sacrifices, enduring the worst of boredom in order to remain at their side during terrible events such as this. I shall be your rock, your faithful companion through thick and even thicker, never leaving your presence until this dastardly disease has been properly vanquished.”
...ten minutes later
“Bean?” Celestia’s voice came at the door with a soft knock. “Are you awake, my love?”
“I am. I thought you were going to Day Court.”
“Day Court has been cancelled for today,” Celestia said. “Trixie is making the final arrangements for the petitioners to meet with me later. Right now, my sole focus is you.”
Bean smiled as his wife pushed in a cart piled high with various sugary treats, a small tea set, and a large pot of what smelled like vegetable broth. She took one look at the cardboard cutout of Discord sitting to the side of the bed with a cardboard teacup, shook her head, and made to respond, only Bean managed to speak up first. “Well, I'm positive you’ve got better things to do, but since Discord got bored and left, I’ll take what you have. I see you are a proponent of the ‘feed a fever, stuff a cold so full that it explodes’ philosophy?”
“I have found it to be an effective battle strategy,” Celestia said with a smile. “And there is some work we can accomplish while I tend to you.”
Bean sat up, wiggled to make room for his beloved on the bed, and hummed as she wrapped a warm wing over him. “Good. I hate to think that you put everything on hold for me.”
Celestia gave his cheek a kiss, and levitated a mug of broth over to them both. There was a tender twinkle in her eye as she gently blew the steam away for a few moments, and she waited until he took the offered mug and enjoyed a small slurp.
“Thank you,” he offered.
“Of course, my love,” she replied in a soft and soothing tone. “You took such good care of me when I was sick, after all. It is only fair that I return the favor.”
“So, what do we need to work on?” he asked with another slurp.
“The main thing I would like to work on is preparations for the Grand Galloping Gala. It is still a few months away, but we need to begin to plan for it now. I have a tentative guest list to review with you, and we will need to make some decisions on the caterers and entertainment.”
“Did you invite my family?”
“All of them are on the list, yes.”
Bean nodded. “I was pretty extra sure you would invite them. What else?”
Celestia’s ears folded back slightly. “We still need to review the list of candidates for Nilla’s tutors. I would also like to discuss the decision we made regarding a governess.”
Bean’s ears flicked, but he wiggled a bit to be closer to his love. “Do you still want one?”
“I would like to propose a compromise,” Celestia said. “While I support your desire to be a part of Nilla’s life, there will be times like these where it would be helpful to have—let’s say an assistant, rather than a governess. We both know that Miss Trixie still wishes to return to her travelling magician act, and I believe she will tender her resignation once the weather becomes favorable for travel again. When she leaves, it will be difficult for Wysteria to accomplish all of her duties and to care for her twins.”
“So, you’d like to find a replacement for Trixie, in essence.”
“More or less,” Celestia confirmed. “But she would not be a secretary, like Trixie has been. I envision a personal assistant, or a ‘go-fer’ if you will. This would be a pony who could take care of our small personal needs when we are busy.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad to me,” he replied with another sip from his mug. “Did you have anypony in mind?”
“Nopony yet, but it would be wise to begin vetting potential candidates.”
Bean hummed, and he rested his pounding head on her soft shoulder. “I think you have a good point. I will acquiesce to my personal pony princess, since you are so convincing.”
Celestia chuckled when his hoof reached up and began to stroke the fluff on her chest. “Excellent. I am glad we were able to come to terms. Here, drink this. It will help soothe your throat.”
Bean tenderly sipped from the teacup that she presented, then took another long drink. “Honey lemon water?”
“A personal favorite of mine,” Celestia said. “I can also have some peppermint tea made, if you would like some.”
“Let’s see what this does for me,” he said. “And thank you.”
It only took a small nudge from Celestia to convince Bean to lay down, her magic taking the broth and tea from him as he did so. He offered a small, contented sigh as her wing began to stroke his back, and he allowed the motions to draw away his aches.
“How do you do it?” he softly asked. “How do you manage to make me feel so wonderful?”
“The answer to that is very simple. All I have to do is love you, just as you love me.”
Bean didn’t reply, and Celestia smiled as his breathing moved to the steady rhythm of sleep. Her dear husband needed as much rest as possible, and she was determined to see him through his illness, even if she had to cancel every appointment she had.
Her hoof continued to trace soft patterns across his cheek, and a peaceful tingle of delight began to flow out from her heart. Despite the lengthy life that she had lived, there were still so many new and wondrous experiences that she was being introduced to because of her precious Bean. She had always loved all of her little ponies, of course, and her every waking moment was filled with tending to their needs to the best of her abilities. But here, for the first time, she was caring for just one of them, one who held her heart in devotion and awe.
It was quite the curious thing. Celestia couldn’t even begin to count how many times she’d offered words of comfort and solace to her little ponies during their trials and tribulations, but there was something distinctly different about her concern now that it was an intimate member of her life. The explanation was simple enough—while she did truly care for all ponies, the love for her Bean was a different type of love, one born from intimacy and time. She knew Baked Bean, in all of the possible definitions that came with that, and that knowledge fundamentally changed her perceptions on the matter.
A round of coughs from Bean broke her concentration, and he groaned once he was done. “Ugh. I hate being sick.”
“The feeling is mutual,” she said.
* * ✹ * *
“Sister?” Luna knocked on the solar door, and she hesitantly nudged it open. “May I intrude?”
“Come in, Lulu. Bean is asleep at the moment.”
Luna tiphoofed into the room, a bouquet of lavender floating alongside in her magic. “How is he doing?”
“There hasn’t been much of a change,” Celestia said. “The honey lemon water does seem to be helping his throat, at least.”
“These should help as well.” Luna placed the flowers at the foot of the bed, and she snuck a truffle from the small pile of treats on the table next to her sister. “Will you be cancelling Day Court tomorrow?”
“I wish I could, but I have inconvenienced enough ponies today already. I will attend to my duties tomorrow as scheduled, but I will make sure that there is somepony nearby to take care of his needs.”
Luna nodded, but then glanced at the scroll that was floating before Celestia. “What is that?”
“The tentative guest list for the Grand Galloping Gala. Shall I add you as one of the emcees?”
“I appreciate the offer, but I believe I will decline again. If this Gala is anything like the previous Galas, I will be busy taking care of several new and inventive nightmares.”
“You’re just saying that because I put Discord on the list.” Celestia stuck out her tongue at her sister.
“And why, praytell, did you decide to invite him?”
“He would be there anyway. Besides, I’m hoping he’ll liven things up. Just imagine how boring it will be without him! Bean’s first Gala should be a memorable one.”
“With Discord, it is assured. Shall we draw up succession plans, just in case something happens to you two?”
“Har har,” Celestia said with a smile. “I doubt Discord will do anything too wild, since Fluttershy and Twilight’s other friends will be in attendance.”
“I would urge caution, Sister. Fluttershy and Bean are the only true friends he has at the moment. The other Element Bearers still harbor a fair amount of distrust because of his betrayal. If Fluttershy attends the Gala with another friend, the perceived slight might encourage him to do something rash.”
“I trust him,” Celestia said. “He still has much to learn about friendship, and I think the Gala will provide him with valuable learning opportunity.”
Luna shook her head and chuckled. “I will never fully understand your machinations, but I trust your judgement. You did say he could be reformed, despite my objections. Just be prepared for anything, since this is Discord we speak of.”
“Thank you, Lulu, but everything will be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?”
* * ✹ * *
Chrysalis hummed a cheerful tune to herself as her pencil practically flew across the page before her. This crossword stood no chance against her vast and superior intellect, and once she completed this last minor challenge, the book would be vanquished entirely.
It was certainly a good thing that she had liberated so many crosswords. At this rate, she would have a dozen books completed by the end of the week.
A knock interrupted her inevitable triumph, and she snorted in annoyance as she hopped off Pokey’s couch and changed into her grey pony disguise. “This had better be good. I hate it when my crosswords are interrupted.”
She snarled a bit as she ripped the front door open, but then she took a step backward. Those golden googly eyes were familiar from somewhere, and they creeped her out.
“Are you Q. Chris A-Lis?” the pegasus with the weird eyes asked.
“Who’s asking?”
“I have a singing telegram for you!” The pegasus cheerfully said, and she drew in a deep breath. Before she could launch into her song, however, Chrysalis stuffed a hoof in her mouth.
“No singing!” she ordered. “I can’t stand it when you ponies sing. It’s like you go around looking for any excuse to break into a choreographed routine. Just give me the message.”
“But I have to sing it.” The deliverymare pouted. “It’s my job.”
“Tell you what. Here’s five bits to forget the singing, and I’ll tell anypony that asks that you did sing. Fair enough?”
The googly-eyed pegasus nodded, took the bits, and produced a thick envelope from her saddlebags. “I didn’t really want to sing it, anyway. It’s really, really long, and it didn’t make any sense. Here you go!”
Chrysalis snatched the envelope away and slammed the door before prancing back to the couch. The contents were quickly extracted, and she giggled as she read the opening paragraph. “‘How to Molt, by Mandible. Dedicated to my most beloved and generous Queen, who most certainly did not threaten to coat me in royal armor wax and dunk me in a volcano if I didn’t provide this information.’ Ah, Mandible, you delightful little bug! I knew your bizzare crush on me would be useful one day.”
Chrysalis cackled as she looked over the instructions. It would take some time to prepare herself and to perform all of the steps that were outlined, but her mind was filled with possibilities. To think that she was in a lesser, weaker body at the moment, but she could have access to a stronger and more glorious self! She was sure that there was an ultimate form hiding somewhere within her, and that molting would reveal a Chrysalis that would be both invulnerable and invincible.
“Soon, ponies. Soon,” Chrysalis said with a lick of her lips. “You have no idea the doom that awaits you. Once I transform into my new and more powerful body, every last drop of love in Equestria will be mine.”
Princess Celestia awoke much like the dawn, with slow and graceful motions, ever so carefully and inevitably progressing from her evening of rest to begin her duty. Unfortunately, the dawn never really needed to have a good mane-combing before being revealed to the world, or a sizable swish of mouthwash to become presentable, or even a nearby towel to mop away Lake Droolestia, which had accumulated on her chest during her most recent brief hour of sleep, if it was all added up together.
'Night' had been at best a series of brief snores, interrupted by a pea-like bladder and a misbehaving foal who had been using it like a punching bag. She was only to the halfway point in her pregnancy, but she was already looking forward to the time when her innards would not be flipped inside out and upside down without warning.
Celestia groaned as she stood with all the elegance of a beached whale. At least there was only one foal in there, instead of two. If Wysteria was experiencing double what she was, then the faithful secretary’s internal organs were tapioca pudding by now, and Quillpoint was in dire risk of a nighttime assault.
Celestia smacked her lips. An assault on some tapioca pudding sounded good all of a sudden, with maybe a dollop of peanut butter and a few artichokes.
Breakfast would have to wait, though. The dawn was due, and Celestia giggled a bit to herself as she finished stretching her way out of bed. With any luck, her dear Bean had taken care of breakfast already, especially since today was Hearts and Hooves Day.
Her mischievous love was up to something, that much she knew. Once he had recovered from his bout with the flu, he had begun to share urgent whispers with Trixie that she couldn’t quite make out in side halls and dark corners. There had been quite a few times when the assistant secretary would need to speak to him—and only him—thus increasing her suspicious curiosity. When asked, he would coyly say it was nothing she needed to worry about, and that he had everything well in hoof.
Even now he was being sneaky. Through the silk curtains that separated her chambers from the balcony, she could see her sweet Bean talking urgently to Trixie, who was rapidly flipping through papers on her new clipboard and nodding. Part of her wanted to slink out without making a sound, so she could hear what he was plotting, but a larger part of her said she should hold back and allow him to surprise her.
It was but one of the many reasons that she was attracted to him. His colorful spontaneity naturally counteracted the beige routine that her royal life entailed, and she appreciated all of the magical moments when his mere presence managed to disrupt the goings on in the palace.
Celestia decided to give Trixie and Bean a few more minutes to talk, and she slipped over to the bathroom to get dressed for the day, in a manner of speaking. Several hairbrushes sprang to life in her magic, and they made quick work of the knots and snarls in her mane while she brushed her teeth, gargled two helpings of mouthwash, and preened her feathers. She wanted to look nice for whatever Bean had planned, but mostly, she wanted to look nice for Bean.
Her peytral and tiara were next, and both slid into their usual positions without protest. With a grin, she then produced a small tube of lip gloss and made liberal use of the contents, with a brief pause to blot and ensure an even application.
Hopefully, there would be a need for a touchup in a few minutes.
Celestia then moved to her golden shoes, but she grunted when her forehoof refused to fit. The ability to slide into her footwear had become increasingly difficult over the past month or so, but now it was proving to be impossible. She wanted to blame Luna and some sort of shrinking enchantment, but she knew that a smaller force was to blame for her swollen fetlocks.
After a few more feeble attempts, Celestia snorted and gave up on the attempt. Her hooves would survive for a day or two, until an appointment could be made with the royal farrier and her shoes could be resized. Until then, she would simply have to be a bit more mindful of where she stepped.
With that, Celestia moved to the balcony to raise the sun. Bean and Trixie immediately clammed up when they noticed her arrival, but that smug grin on Bean’s face told Celestia that she was going to enjoy her first married Hearts and Hooves Day.
“Good morning, my dear!” Bean greeted her with a nuzzle and a kiss. “How are you feeling?”
Celestia gave him a wry grin. “Bloated, and I’ve just discovered that my shoes no longer fit. How are you?”
“You don’t look bloated,” Bean offered with a delightful note of worry in his words. She smiled all the more as his gaze traced over her midsection, stalled out, and then moved down to her hooves. “Did Luna cast some kind of shrinking spell on your shoes?”
“I’m afraid not,” she said with a small sigh. “It is just one of the side effects from my pregnancy. Don’t worry about it, Bean. Now, what are you and Miss Lulamoon up to?”
“Us?” Bean glanced at Trixie, who smirked and shrugged. “We’re not up to anything. Just going over the itinerary for today, right?”
“Right,” Trixie confirmed. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some papers to shuffle. I’ll catch up with you in the dining room.”
Celestia watched Trixie’s departure with a playful glare, but the assistant secretary said nothing more. Her horn then lit, and Bean moved under her wing to weave his magic in with hers.
“So, what was on the itinerary today?” Celestia casually asked as they both reached out for the sun.
“Oh, just a lot of little things. Nothing you need to concern yourself with.”
Celestia chuckled as the sun peeked over the horizon. Bean was practically prancing in place, and his enthusiasm was palpable. “Really? I was rather hoping that you would have some romantic activities planned for later today. I trust you will not disappoint me?”
“Oh no you don’t,” he said with a shake of his head. “You’re not getting it out of me that easily today. I want everything to be a surprise.”
Celestia said nothing. Bean’s cheeks puffed out, and he spluttered as he tried to hold it in.
Celestia kissed his nose, and he broke. “Okay!” he fairly exploded out from under her wing, and he danced a bit as he continued. “When I had the flu, I had a lot of time to think, and I got to thinking that you and I haven’t had a lot of alone time together, especially when we go out on dates or whatever. Not that I don’t like Luna, or Shining and Cadence, but we always seem to have somepony else with us when we do stuff. So, I thought it might be nice if it was just you and me this afternoon, doing romantic stuff and enjoying some time together. Trixie has been making reservations for me, and I’ve got a couple of fun things planned for this afternoon, once we get done with Day Court.”
Celestia kissed him again with a hum of delight. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down. I was hoping to spend some quality time with you, too. Shall we get on with the day, then?”
Bean returned her kiss. “We should. But can I ask one favor?”
“What might that be?”
“Once we get done with Day Court, would you mind leaving your tiara and peytral here at the palace? I want to enjoy everything as just Bean and Celly, not Their Most Royal Highnesses, Princess Celestia and Prince Bean. I know we’ll never be a ‘normal’ couple, but for today, I’d like to leave the royal behind as much as possible.”
“I believe I can accommodate that request,” Celestia said with a pleased grin.
* * ✹ * *
“That was an amazing breakfast, love,” Celestia offered with a small belch. “I do believe Nilla quite enjoyed your ricotta toast, too.”
“I’m glad you both liked it,” Bean replied as they walked towards the throne room. “I have a nice shakshuka planned for lunch, with fire roasted tomatoes and poblano peppers. It’s normally a bit spicy, but I’m going to tone it down a few notches so I don’t give you two heartburn or anything like that.”
“It sounds delicious.” Celestia smiled, her wing reaching out to pull him in for a hug. “Thank you. What will we be doing after lunch?”
“Shining Armor and Cadence just came around the corner,” Bean replied.
“Don’t change the subject,” Celestia playfully chided. “They can wait.”
“Good morning to you too, Auntie Celestia,” Cadence said with a huff and a smile. “Are we interrupting anything?”
“Of course not, dear niece,” Celestia replied with a warm and welcoming hug. “You’re here a bit earlier than I expected, though. The delegates from Trottingham won’t be here until tomorrow.”
“We have a few things to take care of in Canterlot,” Shining said. “I’ve got some stuff to do with the Guard, what with Chrysalis running around and causing problems, and since we’re here anyway, I figured Cady and I could go out on the town tonight and enjoy a little bit of down time.”
“A marvelous idea. Baked Bean was just about to tell me what he has planned for our date tonight as well.”
“You may be relentless, but no! I will stay strong! I will not spoil the surprise!” Bean clamped his lips shut and shook his head.
“Speaking of surprises, we have one too,” Cadence said with a giggle and a nudge to Shining’s ribs. “Go ahead, tell them.”
Shining blushed, but he smiled and pulled Cadence into a hug. “Cadence and I have been talking things over, and I’ve thought a lot about what you told me, Bean. About being a father, and knowing when you’re ready, and all that, and I think the time is right. Cadence and I have decided that we want to have a baby!”
Celestia let out a small cheer of delight, and another delighted hug was shared with her niece and nephew in celebration. “That is wonderful news! Have you seen a gynecologist yet?”
The mention of said doctor caused both Princes to cringe a bit, a tinge of red on both their cheeks.
“What?” Cadence gave her husband a confused look. “Why do you blush whenever somepony says ‘gynecologist?’ It’s nothing more than a specialist for pregnant ponies.”
“Yes, yes, I know,” Shining said, his eyes unable to meet hers. “It’s just… must you say it? We boys always get uncomfortable when you girls use girl terms like that. Right, Bean?”
“We don’t like to think about the details,” Bean confirmed. “I get super extra uncomfortable whenever sompony mentions a proctologist, too.”
Shining shuddered with Bean. “Agreed.”
Celestia studied Bean for a moment, then flashed a wicked grin. “Hippologist.”
Bean and Shining shuddered again, but then they glanced at each other in confusion. “Wait. Do you know what a hippologist is?” Bean asked.
“No,” Shining said. “But it must be something really unpleasant if we reacted that way.”
“Anyway,” Cadence said with a heavy eye roll and a grin, “We met with the finest gynecologist in the Crystal Empire yesterday. Doctor Green Gables said that everything looked good, and that she expected us to have success pretty quickly, since I’m the Princess of Love. I tried to tell her that wouldn’t affect anything, but she was adamant, and I kinda believe her, to be honest.”
“I believe your efforts to become pregnant will be swift as well,” Celestia said. “But may I ask a favor of you?”
“Of course!”
“I believe Doctor Horsenpfeffer would like to be involved in your care, if you don’t mind. She has been most diligent about studying my pregnancy, and she would be delighted to add another alicorn to her research pool.”
Cadence nodded. “That’s another reason why we’re here. Doctor Gable wanted me to meet with Horsenpfeffer, since she’s the only doctor with any modern experience in these things. I have an appointment with her in a few hours.”
“Excellent! I’m sure she greatly appreciates your willingness to help her research. Is there anything Bean and I can do for you?”
“At the moment, no. Just don’t tell anypony else about this, except for Auntie Luna,” Cadence said with a quick kiss for her husband. “Shiny has a fun idea in mind for surprising Twilight with the news.”
“Of course. Bean and I will not say a word.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean hummed a happy tune to himself as he made his way back to the throne room, a tray of shakshuka for his beloved resting across his back. The day had ended up being somewhat busier than normal, and Celestia had elected to take a working lunch so she could take care of the petitioners within an hour or so.
Bean was delighted beyond words that his wife was so ecstatic for the upcoming date. Though she maintained a calm and professional demeanor as she heard the petitions, Bean knew that she was bursting at the seams on the inside, and he half expected her to start prancing in place at any moment. To be fair, he could hardly wait to get out of the palace himself, and he knew that Celestia would love what he had planned.
“Excuse me, Your Highness,” Trixie’s voice broke into his thoughts, but he smiled as she came up alongside him. “Is Celestia in the throne room still?”
“She is.”
Trixie nodded, but she glanced up and down the hallway with a suspicious glare before leaning in close. “The final reservations have been confirmed for tonight,” she said in a low voice. “Trixie has given the tickets to Sergeant Clover Leaf, and a carriage will be ready and waiting for you.”
“Thank you, Trixie, for everything. This really means a lot to me.”
“Of course. Was there ever any doubt that the Great and Powerful Trixie would not provide?”
“Not for a moment. Do you have any plans for tonight?”
Trixie shook her head. “Trixie doesn’t do special someponies. They have always gotten in the way of Trixie’s greatness. I will be in my room tonight, musing over an order of smoke bombs and neverending kerchief chains from the Mumford’s Magical Mysteries catalogue.”
“You know, I’m gonna be sad when you leave,” Bean said as they rounded a corner. “You’ve been an amazing secretary, to say nothing of your help with Tirek.”
“Don’t worry. Trixie will be back to Canterlot with a fabulous new show before you know it,” she said with a grin. “I’ll even give you and the Princess half off admission pricing.”
“I appreciate that. I’m sure it will be astonishing and amazing.”
“Naturally.” Trixie rubbed a hoof on her chest in pride.
“Miss Lulamoon?” another voice called out, and the pair stopped as a guard approached them, a large bouquet of lusciously red roses in his magic. “These just arrived at the front gate. Do you know which princess they’re supposed to go to?”
“Quillpoint?” Bean asked in confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“Working, sir,” Corporal Quillpoint replied.
“I thought you were supposed to be with Wys,” Bean said.
Quill flinched back a step, and he coughed nervously. “Well, I was. But then my assignment changed, so I’m here as Miss Lulamoon’s personal guard.”
“Why? I thought Private Lemon Tart was Trixie’s guard. What happened? Is it anything serious?”
“Why don’t I take these in to the Princess,” Trixie said, her magic snatching away the bouquet. “You two can discuss this in the meantime.”
“Take this for me, too.” Bean passed his tray of food to Trixie, then turned to face the loyal guard. “Seriously, Quill. What’s going on?”
“It’s a bit complicated, sir,” Quillpoint replied as Trixie made herself scarce. “It’s just… well, Wysteria and I have been talking, and we agreed that both of us need to take a break from our relationship.”
“Really?”
Quillpoint started to say something, then stopped and let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m just… I don’t know. When I first started dating Wysteria, things were wonderful. We had fun chatting and going out, but there wasn’t any pressure to be anything more than friends.
“But it seems like everything changed once I moved in with her. It’s like… well, it’s like she never stops working, even when she’s off duty. She’s got every half-second planned out in every minute of every hour in every day, and if I’m ever half a second late to anything, she sprouts fangs and claws. I don’t ever have a say in what’s going on, and she becomes livid if I ever try to change plans.
“I just don’t know if I can live with that, sir. It’s not so much that she makes the plans, or that she’s so organized. I’m a guard, so I’m used to things like that. But I would like to have some free time every now and then, you know? I want to just kick back in my recliner sometimes and do nothing, but she always has something for me to do! And then, if I tell her I just want to take it easy for a bit, she gets angry that I’m being so lazy! I get that things need to be done, but she doesn’t have to breathe fire and spit smoke every time I miss one of her arbitrary deadlines.” He paused for a moment. “I thought she was kidding when she claimed to have a great-grandmother who was a dragon. Now I’m not so sure.”
“So you two have been fighting?” Bean asked with a small amount of horror.
“That’s why we decided to take a break. The fights were getting worse, and more heated. We didn’t want things to get out of control, and she doesn’t need this stress added on top of her twins. Once they’re born, we’ll talk things over and determine if this separation should be permanent or not.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but I guess it’s for the best,” Bean said. “So where are you staying?”
“I’ll be in the barracks until I figure out what to do. It’s not as comfortable as a real bed, but it’ll do.”
“Your Highness?” Trixie called out as she poked her head around the corner. “Princess Celestia is demanding your presence so that she may, and I quote, ‘give him such a snogging for these roses that he won’t be able to see straight for a week,’ unquote.”
“Better get in there, sir,” Quill said with a small grin. “It’s never a good idea to make the princess wait.”
Bean nodded, but he put a comforting hoof on Quill’s shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I wish you the best in whatever you decide.”
“Thank you, sir.”
* * ✹ * *
“Bean?” Celestia gave her husband a gentle nudge as they walked away from the throne room. “You are one distracted pony. Is everything okay?”
“Huh?” he blurted, but then he gave her a sad grin. “I’m okay, yes. Sorry. I’ve just been thinking about Wys and Quill.”
Celestia nodded, and her wing swiftly pulled him in for a hug. “Their situation is worrisome, but I believe they are doing the right thing. Sad as it may be, there are some relationships that just don’t work out. If they do decide to part ways, I hope it will be as friends, and that Quill will be able to be a father to his foals.”
“I do too. I just…” he hesitated, and Celestia said nothing as she watched him sort his thoughts. “I dunno. I’m probably comparing apples to oranges here.”
“How so?”
“My parents, for the most part, have always been happily married. They had the odd fight every now and then about the restaurant or whatever, but they always worked out their differences. I never thought that they would be apart from each other, so for me, the standard is for all relationships to last. I just can’t imagine Quill and Wys not being together. I want to go grab Cadence and throw her at them while screaming ‘you two really do love each other, now sort this out,’ but I know I can’t do that. I want them to stay together, but the little Bean in my head is telling me that they might not, and that I have to accept that. It would be horrible if they forced themselves into a loveless relationship.”
“There are many things that cause relationships to fail,” Celestia noted. “An unfaithful partner, or financial issues, sometimes.”
“Oh, I know. And I’d be the first to tell a pony to leave a cheater, and doubly extra so if it’s an abusive relationship. Like I said, I’m probably just putting too much of myself into this situation.”
Celestia pecked his cheek just as her magic opened the door to their chambers. “I think it troubles you because you care, love. You are good friends with both of them, and you want them to succeed, as any good friend would do. Just continue to be their friend, no matter what happens.”
“That I can do,” he said with a return kiss. “But I have better things to focus on right now, and I’m eager to get going on our date.”
“As am I,” Celestia said with a gleeful smile. “So, are you going to tell me what you have planned yet, or will you keep your princess in suspense?”
“Take off your peytral and tiara, then I’ll tell you,” he said with a devious grin.
“Strip? Here?” Celestia leaned back but gave him a leering grin. “You naughty pony you. But it is Hearts and Hooves Day, so just this once!” She swiftly removed her regalia and tossed them on the bed. “There. Now will you tell me?”
Bean began to bounce in place. “You’re gonna love this. First off, we’re going to take a tour of the Baltimare Museum of Art. They just opened up a new exhibit featuring the collective works of Moody Blues, including his rarely-seen paintings Knights in White Satin and Tuesday Afternoon.”
Celestia’s smile faltered. “Oh! That sounds… nice.”
“And then, Trixie managed to get tickets to Ponygliacci at the Pasture Opera House, even though it’s sold out. I don’t know how she did it, but she promised that she didn’t force the opera company to give them to us because we’re the Princess and Prince.”
The smile flipped upside down. “I see. That should be entertaining.”
“Yeah! And then, for dinner, I…” Bean stalled out as he finally caught on to Celestia’s souring mood. “Um, did I say something wrong?”
“No, no!” Celestia quickly forced her smile back, before Bean grew too suspicious. “Everything you have planned sounds lovely. We should get going; the museum alone could take several hours.”
Bean still gave her a wary look, so she opted to employ the tried-and-true tactic of changing the subject to steer his concerns away. “I would like your opinion on something before we go. Do you think I should have my mane up or down?”
Bean’s demeanor moved from concern to confusion. “I thought you said your mane looks funny when it’s up.”
“Well, I think it looks funny,” she replied with an inner sigh of relief, and her magic produced an elastic hair tie. “But tell me what you think.”
Celestia pulled her mane into a ponytail, and she turned slightly to give Bean a side view. “You know, it actually looks pretty good,” he said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. I like it. I mean, I like the way you usually have it, too, but I get to see all of your face all at once this way. I say you should have it up.”
Celestia glanced at her reflection in the nearby mirror. She wasn’t sure how she felt about the look, but since her Bean liked it, she would keep it. “Okay. Up it is, then. Let’s get going.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean had messed up.
Or, at least he felt like he had. They were only five minutes into the flight to Baltimare, and in that five minutes, that familiar inkling that he was doing something wrong had grown by several orders of magnitude.
He wasn’t sure how he had messed up, though. He had been very meticulous in his choices, and all of the critical reviews he had read on Ponygliacci stated it was the finest opera to have been composed in the last two hundred years.
But as he studied his wife’s serious stare, a realization slapped him in the face like a wet fish. Celestia, being the old mare that he kept forgetting that she was, had probably been in attendance when Ponygliacci had premiered, and had seen Moody Blues’ paintings in so many other art collections that she could describe them to him in her sleep. It was no wonder that she had such little enthusiasm for either event, since both of them were most likely old hat to her by now.
With that unhappy thought, he quickly moved to right what he had done wrong. “Sergeants! Change of plans! I need you to head to Salt Lick!”
“Sir?” Pokey and Clover called back.
“Bean?” Celestia said at the same time.
“Salt Lick! On the double!” he ordered.
“Yes, sir!” the sergeants replied as they made a sharp bank to the left.
“Bean, what are you doing?” Celestia asked.
“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?” he said with a grin.
“I would. That’s why I asked,” she replied in confusion. “Why aren’t we going to the museum? If we’re late, then we might miss the opera, and those tickets were expensive, I’m sure.”
“Shush!” he playfully booped her nose. “I have everything under control! Trust me!”
“You dare shush me?” she playfully shot back. “I should punish you for such insolence.”
“Ah, but you seem to be missing your regalia, so you can’t do anything. At the moment, you’re just Celestia Bean, with no Princess attached.”
“So what are we going to do, then?”
Mulligan had only one true love in his life, and that was golf. He begged for bunkers, fawned over fairways, and tittered over tees. If he could have his way, he would spend all of his time playing the game at all of the exclusive clubs across Equestria, enjoying endless rounds on the back nines with only a curvaceous pegasus caddie to keep him company.
But dreams as grand as his were expensive, and the only place to start was at the bottom. So since Mulligan could not be with his beloved greens on this Hearts and Hooves Day, he was doing the next best thing.
“Welcome to Mulligan’s Mini Golf,” he said flatly to the giggling couple before him. “What color ball would you like?”
“Oh, pink for sure,” the mare said. “Blue for my snookums here.”
“Ten bits, please.”
Mulligan drew in a long breath as his magic passed the putters and the requested balls. Mini golf was always a popular choice for couples on Hearts and Hooves Day, and the steady business put him ever closer to his grand golfing goals. Just a few more years, and then he would be the one putting on the lush greens of Saint Neighford, with the crystal blue ocean behind him and a warm tropical breeze in his mane.
Such thoughts kept him going when he had to deal with busy days like today.
“Welcome to Mulligan’s Mini Golf,” he droned to the next couple in line as he took a set of clubs from a pair of ponies who had just finished the course. “What color ball would you like?”
“I would like a yellow ball, if I may.”
“P-princess Celestia?!” Mulligan swung the clubs in shock, hit a storage rack, and sent putters clattering to the ground. “Oh sun and stars, I am so sorry, Your Highness! I didn’t even see you! I had no idea that—”
Celestia held up a hoof to silence his rant. “Please, good proprietor, there is no need for all of this deference. I am here to enjoy a game of miniature golf with my husband, or ‘putt putt’ as it is more commonly known.”
“Uh, Celly?” Prince Baked Bean stood on his rear legs and leaned in close to her ear. “Nopony calls it putt putt in Salt Lick. It’s just mini golf.”
“Really? I had thought that putt putt was a rather common term,” she replied with a thoughtful look. “I suppose it could be a regional term. No matter, we shall enjoy the game, whatever it’s name might be. Now, may I have a yellow ball, please?”
“Of course!” Mulligan quickly levitated the requested ball to her. “Anything you want, Princess. Which one would you like, Prince Bean?”
“I’ll go with green,” he said. “Any tips for the course?”
It took Mulligan a moment to reply, since his brain was still stuck in “There’s Royalty at My Mini Golf Course” mode. “Uh… hole one has a ninety degree dogleg to the left, so watch out for that. Hole seven is a par five with a narrow bridge over a water hazard, so be sure to center your shot or you’ll go straight in the drink. Hole eleven has a statue in the middle of the fairway, so aim for the left. The gap is slightly wider than it is on the right. If you keep your scorecard, you can get twenty percent off your next round.”
“And how much is it to play one round?”
“Five bits per player.”
“Five? It was three the last time I was here,” Bean grumbled as Celestia produced the bits and passed them to the somewhat shell-shocked attendant.
“It was, but then I put in the heated driving range. If you’d like to try that out, it’s six bits for a large bucket of balls, and another six to rent a set of clubs.”
“Maybe,” the Prince replied. “It’ll depend if Celly is still in the mood to play after I kick her flank on the course.”
“Oh, you think so?” Celestia challenged with a determined grin. “You’re going to be eating those words when you get smoked!”
“You know, I don’t recall if I’ve played this ‘mini golf’ before,” Celestia commented as Bean placed his ball on the rubber pad to tee off on the first hole. “Come to think of it, I can’t recall if I’ve played the regular version, either. I know I’ve watched several professional tournaments, at least.”
“I tried golfing with some friends once at a community course near my house,” Bean said, his eyes glancing up and down the fairway. “I got to the fifth hole before I had to quit.”
“Why?”
“I lost all of my golf balls.” He tapped the one in front of him with his club, and watched as it bounced around the ninety degree bend before dropping down to all four hooves again. “They all went into the trees, or the water hazards. One or two might have gone into somepony’s backyard.”
“I see,” Celestia said with a giggle.
“They designated me as a permanent caddie after that. It was still fun, though.”
Celestia took a moment to look over the layout of the hole, and her mind quickly went to work. In many respects, it appeared that miniature golf was something like a floor version of billiards, but with a putter. Provided she could motivate her ball to follow the proper angles, it appeared to be rather easy to obtain a hole-in-one.
Her magic made a few minute adjustments to the lay of her ball in the tee box, and she took one practice swing to get a feel for the heft and weight of the club. Then, with a firm and calculated swing, she struck.
Her smile grew as the ball followed the exact angles she had wanted it to, and she cheered with Bean when the ball found its home. “You know what, love? I think I’m going to like this game.”
“You are going to take your shot sometime today, right?” Bean deadpanned.
“Shush,” Celestia commanded, her focus solely on the difficult position that she found herself in. Her ball had taken a stray hop on the fairway, and had come to rest behind and touching a large rock that made it impossible for her to hit. Unless she used the end of the club as a pool cue, that is. “I’m trying to concentrate.”
“You’ll never get it out of there,” Bean said with a chuckle. “Just take the stroke penalty and move it.”
“Never. There has to be a way,” she said. “If I can create an impervious law that forces me to marry the stallion who boops my nose, I can figure out how to get my ball out of this situation.”
Bean shook his head and chuckled more, but Celestia ignored him. Defeat was not a word that crossed her lips without furious resistance, and she was going to fight.
A plan of battle began to form in her head, and she ran through the variables involved. With her ball against the rock, the only option was to take the stroke penalty or to hit her ball into the rock.
There was the possibility that she could simply demolish the rock with the putter, but there was probably a rule against such an act, to say nothing of repairs that Mister Mulligan would have to make to his course. However, if she could tap the ball, then quickly remove her club from the intended path of travel, then the ball would travel backwards until it ricocheted off the edge of the fairway, catch the slight decline before the pin, and if her calculations were correct, drop into the hole with a satisfying plop.
“I am Princess Celestia Bean, Sol Invicta, Bringer of the Day and Mare of the Morn. I refuse to admit defeat,” she muttered as she lined up her shot. Her club swung back once.
She made contact, and she swiftly moved away as the ball proceeded along the path that she had forseen. Like clockwork, the yellow orb of destiny hit the bricks, caught the decline, and rolled to the hole.
But to Celestia’s horror, the ball took an unexpected left turn, and despite her cries to change direction, it proceeded along its unwanted path until it tapped Bean’s ball.
And that tap was just enough to push it into the hole.
“Hey, thanks!” Bean said with a laugh. “That puts me in under par!”
Celestia gnashed her teeth and glared daggers at the treacherous and rebellious ball. “I don’t like this game. We should do something else now.”
“Still pouting over the fact that I beat you?” Bean said with a smug smile. “Taken down by a mere mortal. How embarrassing.”
“It’s a good thing I love you,” Celestia groused. “You owe me for this.”
“Owe you? How do I owe you for beating you fair and square?”
“Trust me, I’ll figure out a way to make you pay,” she said, her magic nearly throwing the putters at Mulligan. “I do not take my defeats lightly.”
“I can tell.” Bean laughed, and Celestia had to smile when he nipped her ear. “Tell you what. Do you want to take out some of your frustrations on the driving range before we move on? No winners, no losers. Just hitting a ball as far as you can.”
Celestia thought the offer over for a moment. “Perhaps we should. It might be a new way for me to express my frustrations when the nobility is being especially frustrating and insipid.”
“You know,” Bean said as he put the bag of rented clubs down, “Mulligan really did a good job with this range. I’m no golf expert, but I bet adding these dividers between the stalls wasn’t cheap.”
“The extra investment should pay for itself, though,” Celestia remarked, her magic selecting a driver from the bag as Bean teed up a ball. “If he has taken the time to provide a quality experience for those who enjoy this game, then they will naturally want to return.”
Baked Bean knew that his wife was tall. He had yet to meet a pony who was taller than her, in fact. He did not mind this fact, for he had always been a stallion who appreciated leggy mares.
But the actual difference in height between his love and himself was driven home once again when Celestia went up on her rear legs, took the driver in her forehooves, and took a practice swing. He took a few steps back, mostly so he could get all of her back into his field of vision, and his eyes went wide in awe.
“Holey moley, you’re tall!” he blurted.
Celestia smirked. “And now you see why I stay on all four hooves. Most ponies are rather intimidated by me when I stand like this, to say nothing of the obstacles I would have to dodge, like door frames and tree branches.”
Bean nodded in understanding, but then another thought came to him. “You’re not going to use your magic?”
“As I understand the rules, magic is not allowed in professional golf tournaments,” Celestia said. “It allows for an even playing field between the competitors. And since the purpose of a driving range is to refine one’s shot and swing, I figured I should practice properly.”
With that, Celestia quickly glanced down the range before her. Before Bean had a chance to fully react, she took a running start, and with a furious swing, the ball disappeared.
“Well, you have the range,” Bean said, one hoof over his eyes as he tried to track the trajectory of the ball. “But I don’t think you quite hit the moon from here, though. And I’m fairly sure a running start would cost you a penalty.”
“It’s a good thing we have a full bucket of balls, then,” Celestia noted with a pleased grin. “If you don’t mind, I would like to take another shot.”
“Go for it.”
“There’s only a few balls left. Are you sure you don’t want another turn, Bean?”
Baked Bean shook his head with a grin. “I’m good. This seems to be a good stress reliever for you, and all my shots keep splicing off to the left anyway. Besides, you haven’t hit the moon yet.”
“There is something rather therapeutic about this,” Celestia said while blasting off another shot. “Perhaps I could have a driving range installed on one of the balconies at the palace.”
“Now that would be interesting,” Bean said. “You’d have to declare a no-fly zone around the area, lest you smack some unsuspecting pegasus upside the head.”
“Or I could tell some of those old bats in the ministry to go stand downrange,” Celestia mused. “That would clear out my belfry and make me feel better all at the same time.”
“I’ll have Trixie get a list together,” Bean said with a chuckle.
Another shot launched into the air with the sharp crack of tortured rubber. “I would never actually do that. The ministry and the nobility may be a pain in my flank sometimes, but they are needed. I just wish they wouldn’t be so self-centered and snobby sometimes.”
“That happens anywhere you go, sadly,” Bean said. “Just look at the entitled and always-right customers that I dealt with at the Zuerst, for example. Ooh, that one was close.”
“I’m getting better.” Celestia teed up the last ball from the bucket, then grinned. “I believe I would be more accurate with a set of clubs that were the proper length. These are too short, and I’m being forced to stoop, which I am sure is bad for my backswing. Will we be heading to the opera after this?” she asked as she sent the last range ball airborne. “If we leave now, we might only be fashionably late.”
“I’ve got an even better idea,” Bean said as they both watched the ball’s flight. “I’m sure you’d like to get off of those poor, swollen hooves, and I’m going to bet you’re hungry, too.”
There was a rumble in the general vicinity. “I am feeling a bit peckish,” she admitted.
“So, what say we go get some grub? I know of this fabulous restaurant nearby; probably the best in the city, in fact. And since I just so happen to know the owners, I could get us a premium table and a dedicated server.”
Celestia snickered. “That sounds lovely. Oh!” she cheered, and one hoof pointed downrange. “That one almost hit it!”
“Just about. Short by a foot, maybe?” Bean said.
“I suppose it’s a good thing that I did not,” Celestia said as she slid the driver back into the bag. “Shall we be off?”
Bean nodded, and the two of them walked side-by-side to Mulligan with the clubs.
“So, did you manage to hit the moon?” the owner asked, and Celestia shook her head. “No? Well, maybe next time you’ll hit it and get that free bucket of balls.”
“Has anypony hit it yet?” Celestia asked.
“Not since I put it back where it is,” Mulligan admitted. “It took me some time to get the distance right. At first, it was too close and too big, so it made for an easy target. I was handing out free buckets left and right, and it was killing my business. I’m sure somepony will hit it eventually, though. The range has only been open for about a year now, after all.”
“Thank you for the wonderful time, Mister Mulligan. Despite my husband’s obvious cheating on the miniature golf course, I had fun here today.”
“Cheating?!” Bean gasped. “I did not cheat! I told you to take that one stroke penalty to get out from behind the rock!”
* * ✹ * *
“Hey, Baked!” Sip greeted Bean with a surprised cheer as Bean entered the Zuerst with Celestia, but then he cleared his throat and stuck his nose slightly in the air. “Excuse me. I meant to say ‘welcome to the Zuerst, Your Highnesses.’ Long time no see, dude!”
“Hey Sip.” Bean shared a quick hoofbump with the blue maître d’. “How’s things been?”
“Oh, you know. Shake and Bake are still at it, Grumps is still Grumps, your parents keep trying to invent new dishes. Same old, same old really. What brings you by tonight?”
“Celly and I are enjoying some alone time together,” Bean replied with a grin, and Celestia pulled him into a hug with her wing. “But somewhere, somehow, I heard that this restaurant is one of the finest in Salt Lick, and I want my wife to enjoy the best. Do you have a back table available?”
“Of course,” Sip replied with a laugh. “Even if we didn’t, I’d find one. There’s no way I’m letting my boss and my lieges wait for an opening. Right this way, please.”
“It seems a bit quiet tonight,” Bean remarked as he looked over the crowd and waved to the patrons. “I was worried you’d be packed.”
“It has been slow, but I think that’s because a lot of ponies think the restaurant is closed,” Sip said. “You know, with the renovation and everything.”
“When is construction scheduled to begin?” Celestia asked.
“Tomorrow,” Sip replied. “The crews have already got some of their demo stuff and dumpsters out back. Garbanzo said he’d let me take a few swings with a sledgehammer, if I wanted to.”
“So what will you do for employment in the meantime?”
“Garbanzo and Lima made arrangements for everypony to go to the other Bean family restaurants, Your Highness. Grumps, Shake and Bake will head over to Pinto’s, and I’ll be heading over to the Waffle Emporium with Balanced Budget and Cannellini. The Zuerst should be open again by June or so, I’m told.”
Sip then motioned to a table that was decorated with two lit candles and a single rose in a vase, and Bean was quick to push in Celestia’s chair once she was seated. Menus were presented and opened, and Sip pointed to one option with a smile.
“Since this is your first time here as patrons, allow me to suggest our famous stuffed peppers as a delightful appetizer for your consideration. They’re a house specialty, filled with couscous, seasoned with pine nuts and basil, then topped with black olives and cherry tomatoes. For a main course, my personal favorite is our sesame halloumi parcels, served with a sweet potato tahini mash and chopped herb salad.”
“Really?” Bean asked. “I thought you liked the spiced beetroot tarts best.”
“It was, until your mom came up with the halloumi. I can’t get enough of that stuff for some reason,” Sip replied with a smack of his lips. “Anyway, you know better than I do what’s best, so I’ll let Bean make any further recommendations. Lima is running the tables tonight, and she’ll be with you in just a minute.”
“Baked?!” Lima’s voice cut through the air. “What are you doing here?!”
“Or she’ll be with you now.” Sip laughed, and he quickly stepped aside as Lima rushed out and nearly tackled her son.
“Hey Mom,” Bean offered. “Good to see you too.”
“What are you doing here?” she repeated. “Are you two out on a date? Oh! This is wonderful! Did Sip tell you about the stuffed peppers? I’ll bring out a platter for you, and anything else you’d like. It’s been a bit slow tonight, but I’m glad we had an open table for you. What have you been doing for Hearts and Hooves Day? I hope Baked planned something nice.”
“It has been nice,” Celestia replied with a warm smile. “We just finished a round of miniature golf, and I think Bean mentioned something about bowling after this.”
“Mini golf? Bowling?” Lima gave her son a critical glare and tisked. “I thought I raised you better than that. You should have taken her somewhere nice, like the opera.”
Celestia started to say something, but Bean spoke up before she could. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”
“I suppose I’ll just have to help you make it up to her now,” Lima went on, her attention moving to Celestia. “Princess, please order anything off the menu, and as much of it as you’d like. I have a delectable chocolate lava cake I’ll make for your dessert. Now, what would you like to drink?”
“I seem to recall seeing several bottles of an exquisite muscat canelli grape juice when I was here last,” Celestia said with a grin. “Would you happen to have any of that left?”
“Oh, the Vigneto Verde Lussureggiante brand?” Lima nodded. “I’m sure we still have a bottle or two. I’ll bring it right out.”
They both nodded, and Celestia took Bean’s hoof in hers as Lima walked away. “So why didn’t we go to the museum and the opera, Bean?”
Bean smiled. “If I were to ask you to describe Moody Blues’ Knights in White Satin, how much detail could you give me?”
Celestia shrugged. “I suppose I could give you a fair verbal representation. Words alone could not fully convey the scope and depth of the painting, though.”
“But you could describe it to me with a fair degree of detail, right?” he pressed.
“I probably could, yes.”
“And how many times have you seen Ponygliacci?”
“At least a dozen times, if not more,” Celestia said with a small groan and an eyeroll. “It’s not a bad opera, mind you, but Leoncaballo was always a narcissistic egomaniac, and he considered that horrible howling that comprises the second act to be his magnum opus. If his libretto is coupled with an exceptionally screechy soprano, the end result can be rather deafening, in a literal sense. I never really liked…”
She trailed off as Bean’s smile grew, and her cheeks began to burn. “Bean, that’s not what I mean. You obviously put a lot of effort and thought into today, and I appreciate that. My personal distaste for the opera notwithstanding, I would have been happy to accompany you.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that for a second. But I think you enjoyed the mini golf far more, and that’s what I was really after. It’s a bit like if you ate the same thing for every meal, every day. No matter how delicious or nutritious it is, you would still grow tired of it eventually. So, when I saw your lack of enthusiasm for my choices, I decided to come here instead.
“The one thing I really need to learn with you is that you’re not like other mares,” he went on. “You want to do things that have nothing to do with being a royal, and don’t deny it! I saw it as soon as I told Pokey and Clover to change course. You were bored and disinterested before that, but then you lit up with delight and curiosity. If I want to please you, then I need to plan on things that are more spontaneous.”
The word sent a chill through the millennium princess. “Say that again.”
The prince leaned in and gave her a lustful grin. “Spontaneous,” he whispered.
Celestia’s heart fluttered in her chest, and a low, soft moan escaped her lips as her eyes closed. “More!”
“Adventure,” Bean hummed.
“Yes.”
“We will never go back.”
“Yes, yes, yes! Let’s go, right now!”
There was a brief pause, and Bean leaned back. “We are really gonna go back to Canterlot, right?”
“Shhh, don’t spoil it. And yes.” Celestia savored the moment, then opened her eyes and gave her beloved a smile. “Tell me this, love, and be honest. If you could go by yourself, would you still want to see the opera, or the paintings?”
Bean’s ears folded back slightly. “Well, the opera sounded interesting. I’ve never been to one before. And if I have to be honest, I was kinda looking forward to the museum, too.”
Celestia nodded. “Bean, I greatly appreciate that you want to make me happy. I am filled with an indescribable joy and contentment when you take such great pains to tend to my needs, wishes, and desires. But please don’t sacrifice everything you like for me. You are fantastic about giving, but a proper relationship requires some taking, too. I want you to do things that you want to do. If you don’t, I fear we may end up with another Tirek-type misunderstanding, or worse.
“I understand why you changed our plans for today. My attitude was not appropriate, and I should have told you why I was less than thrilled. But I also should have had this conversation with you then, too. If you really want to go see an opera, I will make that sacrifice for you. No matter what you plan, my greatest joy will be the fact that I’m spending the time with you.”
Bean’s pleased smile filled her chest warm tingles of happiness, and his hoof patted hers. “That will be the best part for sure. Now, what would you like for dinner?”
“Hmm,” Celestia’s eyes remained on her husband, and she winked. “I am debating between the Three Treat or the Runs. What would you recommend?”
“I think you’d like the Runs. It’s one of my personal favorites,” he said.
* * ✹ * *
“Lieutenant,” Captain Shining Armor returned Spear Point’s salute, then fell in alongside him. “I came as quickly as I could.”
“I apologize for disturbing your evening with Princess Cadence, sir, but I figured you needed to know about this.”
“When did Sergeant Pokey contact you?”
“It wasn’t Sergeant Pokey, sir. He is currently in a bowling alley in Salt Lick, trying to determine if Prince Bean’s bowling of seven straight gutter balls has a name. The Prince insists that it’s called a turkey, but the Princess is unconvinced. This report came from his neighbor, a nice old mare by the name of Hazelnut. Seems that she’s a bit of a snoop, and she notified the local authorities when she saw the pod.”
“I see,” Shining Armor replied, and he returned the salute to the two unicorn guards that stood watch on either side of Pokey’s front door. “That must have been a bit of a shock to find out that Pokey had a changeling for a roommate.”
“Doubtless, sir.” Spear Point motioned for the Captain to go first, and both of them paused in Pokey’s living room. “It’s not like anything I’ve ever seen before.”
“Hello, Chrysalis,” Shining sneered, and he slowly crossed the room as he took in the sight. The glowing green pod took up a sizable portion of the room, with the changeling queen suspended within. Her eyes were closed, but a smirk was on her face, like she knew the world’s funniest joke but wasn’t going to tell it to anyone. Large black veins throbbed along the sides, giving the whole thing an unsettling, otherworldly feeling, and Shining suppressed the shudder that was crawling just below the surface of his skin.
“We found these in our preliminary investigation, sir.” Spear Point levitated a small stack of papers, and a note that looked like it had been hastily written on a napkin to the Captain. “I don’t know why she needed to know how to molt, unless this is a way to remove what remained of the armor wax.”
“Or she thought this would make her more powerful, somehow.” Shining put a hoof on the pod, and he gave it a small push. “Still soft. Must be fresh, no more than a couple of hours old.”
“So, what do we do about this, sir?” Spear Point asked.
Shining stood still for the longest time, his eyes closed and his hoof remaining on the pod. He drew in several long breaths, and then he finally snorted.
“We follow the Princess’ orders. I want guards posted here round the clock, and hourly updates on the pod and Chrysalis’ condition, but otherwise we’ll simply observe and report. When she emerges, I want to be ready for anything. Do we have any idea on how long she’ll be in there?”
“The instructions note that a full molting could take two to three weeks, sir.”
“Double the guard at that time, then. We’ll have a nice welcoming party for her, with cake and ice cream.” Shining chuckled. “You know, I don’t remember if she likes chocolate or vanilla.”
“I’ll have our best ponies put on guard immediately, sir,” Spear Point said with a salute.
Shining Armor nodded, and he said nothing as he watched his trusted lieutenant leave. His eyes then flicked down to the napkin, and a smirk came as he read the note again.
“‘See you soon, my sweet babboo.’ I always knew you were a psychopath, but this takes it to a whole new level, Chrissy,” Shining said, his eyes moving back to the suspended changeling queen with a grim expression. “However, before you hatch again—” Shining let out a low chuckle “—I have some payback to prepare.”
Bean chuckled, and his hooves moved to the requested spot. “Did I get it yet?”
“Just a tiny bit more… there! Keep going right there,” Celestia commanded with a delighted sigh. “That’s the spot.”
Bean smiled as his hooves rubbed and scratched his wife’s stomach in slow and even circles. She had been engaged in a losing contest with a particularly stubborn itch on her steadily-swelling stomach since sunrise, and the battle had finally dragged on long enough for the Princess to call in marital reinforcements. After a moment of scratchy bliss, Bean paused to lean over, swipe the nearby bottle of Beeswax’s Maternity Lotion, and squirt out a large glob into his hooves.
Celestia began to purr when Bean’s hooves returned to her stomach, and her eyes fluttered shut. “That feels so amazingly wonderful. It’s like you’re rubbing away all of my bloated aches.”
“That good, huh?” he asked.
“Mm, yes. I’m starting to feel like an overripe blueberry that’s on the verge of bursting. My stretch marks are sure to be as wide as the Ghastly Gorge.”
Bean wanted to make a comment about how unlikely that was, but he decided it would be better to let the subject pass. A happy home was maintained by saying ‘yes, dear’ as much as possible, as his father had wisely told him.
“I dread to think about Wysteria’s poor midsection,” Celestia went on. “I understand why she said she felt like a hot air balloon with too much hot air in it. I do hope she’s not exerting herself, now that Quill is not a part of her daily life.”
“I’m pretty extra sure she’s being careful,” Bean said softly. “And I’m sure she knows to ask for help, if she needs it.”
Celestia grunted. “She’d better ask. I may have to ask Private Tart to check on that for me.”
“I don’t think you need to go that far,” Bean said with another squirt of lotion. “I bet her twins have made it impossible for her to fit through doorways by this point. She has to ask for help.”
Celestia snickered, but her hooves moved to her lips to muffle it. “That’s not funny, Bean! I hate to think of my faithful secretary in such a way. She is a determined mare, who always knows what she wants and how to get it. A couple of foals will not hamper her in the slightest.”
“Until she has to reach for something and her stomach gets in the way,” Bean quipped with an evil grin. “I can only imagine what it’s like for her when she tries to get a mixing bowl on the far side of the counter.”
“Stop that!” Celestia said as Bean pantomimed what such an effort might look like, her laughter sneaking out despite her efforts to hold it in. “You mean thing!”
“All right, all right.” Bean went back to rubbing Celestia’s stomach. “It’s not nice, you’re right. Besides, she could just use her magic and avoid all that.”
A knock came at the door, and Trixie entered with a tug at her secretarial collar as she entered. “Trixie is not going to miss this thing in the slightest. Ugh.”
“Good morning to you, too,” Bean offered. “May I safely assume that your off hoof comment means you will be leaving us soon?”
Trixie drew in a deep breath, and her magic removed a single piece of paper from her clipboard. “Not yet, but Trixie will not deny that she wants to get back on the road. I’ve discussed the matter with Miss Inkwell, and we have agreed that I will stay until her twins are born. The summer months are the most profitable for Trixie, and the roads will be fully dried out from winter. I have a new wagon under construction as we speak, and it will be delivered when I am ready to move out once more.”
Bean moved to take Trixie’s paper as Celestia sat upright, and he frowned once he had glanced it over. “So this is an advance resignation letter?”
“With Trixie’s thanks for the kindnesses afforded to her Great and Powerful self by Your Highnesses,” Trixie said, her gaze dropping to the hoof that was scuffing the floor. “I admit I didn’t come to this decision lightly or easily. For the most part, I have enjoyed my time here with you, and the skills that I have been taught will be of great use for my new and improved magic show. Trixie will forever be grateful that she smashed your carriages.”
Celestia smiled. “And we have been grateful for your dedicated service as well. You are always welcome here in Canterlot, should you ever change your mind.”
“Thank you, Princess.” Trixie lifted her gaze to Celestia’s, and a smile spread across her face. “I think, for the first time in my life, I can truly and honestly say that I have friends. It’s a wonderful feeling.
“But until then, the Great and Powerful Trixie has a job to do,” the showmare went on, and the pages on her clipboard flipped rapidly. “First off, Miss Inkwell should be here in about an hour, and she is planning on staying here throughout the day to assist with the interviews you have scheduled. She also wanted me to tell you that there is nothing you can do or say that will convince her to leave early.”
“We’ll just have to get her a plush cushion to lay on, or something like that,” Bean noted.
“Miss Inkwell has already made arrangements for such a cushion to be placed in the throne room for her,” Trixie said. “Trixie is a bit upset that no such luxury was afforded for her, but I suppose that is the price I must pay for not being pregnant.”
“I can get you a cushion too, if you’d like,” Celestia offered.
Trixie immediately pounced on the offer. “A double-stuffed one would be nice. If it’s not too much trouble, that is.”
“I’m sure it can be arranged.”
“Your first appointment this morning will be with Dean Night Light and Dean Twilight Velvet from your school at nine,” Trixie went on, her magic levitating several sheets of paper to the princess. “They are prepared to review this list of tutors with you, and to discuss Epiphany’s future education needs. After that, you’re scheduled to meet with the candidate for Epiphany’s nanny.”
“Candidate? As in singular, just one?” Bean asked.
“That’s what the paperwork says,” Trixie confirmed after looking the itinerary over once more.
“Wysteria must have found a good one, then.”
“After lunch, you have Day Court scheduled until eighteen hundred hours, with a dinner with Ambassador Ghis from the Griffon Empire immediately following. At nineteen hundred hours, the Lady Rarity and Sir Golden Hammer are scheduled to meet with you to discuss the Grand Galloping Gala, and Prince Bean’s coronet.”
“Why do I need a trumpet?” Bean asked.
“Not a cornet, love,” Celestia said with a quick peck of his cheek. “Coronet. It’s something like a tiara, to mark your official position as Prince.”
“I thought that is what this was for,” Bean said as he pawed at the Celestial Crystal that hung from his neck.
“It does, but that was a gift from the Crystal Empire, so it is more like a medal of honor. As my husband, you really should have a proper crown to wear.”
“Do I have to?” he whined. “I hear those things make your neck hurt, and they pinch your head.”
“If I have to have one, then so do you,” Celestia said with a playful nip of his ear. “Don’t worry. We’ll make sure it fits properly, and you won’t have to wear it very often.”
“Oh, alright. But nothing too fancy or gaudy!”
“It won’t be any worse than mine, I assure you.” Celestia kissed his cheek and turned back to Trixie. “Anything else?”
“That should be everything for the day, Princess.”
“Thank you. We will be down for breakfast once Bean finishes with my personal care,” Celestia said with a seductive gaze for her husband.
* * ✹ * *
“So, who are these Deans we’re meeting with?” Bean asked, his rump wiggling slightly as he settled into the throne. “Have I met them before at all?”
“I don’t think you have,” Celestia said, her hoof tapping her chin as her wing wrapped around him. “But you will like them. Dean Night Light and Dean Twilight Velvet are the two finest professors at my school, and they have been integral to establishing the curriculum that is taught. Besides, they have raised three children of their own, so they already know what it’s like.”
“Oh, they’re married? To each other?” Bean asked.
“Yes,” Celestia said with a sly nod. “Night Light and Twilight Velvet are the parents of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, and Spike.”
“Oh! That’s interesting. They raised Spike, too?”
Celestia nodded again. “They accepted him into their family after he was hatched. I had intended to make other arrangements for his care, but they were adamant about it. It was a wise decision, in the end, as it gave Spike a family to be a part of.”
“Very interesting. I don’t know if my parents would have welcomed a dragon, even if he was a newborn.”
“I’d be careful, if I were you,” Wysteria’s voice cut in. “The professors might draw up a new education plan for you, sir, once they realize you’re on a quest to eliminate algebra.”
“I probably need it,” he replied with a laugh as the faithful and rotund secretary waddled into the throne room. “How are you doing, Wys?”
“Oh, I feel like a mix between a beach ball and a punching bag at the moment, so not too bad,” she replied. “Mostly, I’m just happy to be upright and mobile. Forgive me for being tardy, but these two stinkers have really done a number on my equilibrium, so I tend to tip over from time to time. If that happens, just roll me over to the corner and I’ll get myself up again.”
“I certainly hope we don’t have to do that,” Celestia said with a note of worry.
Wysteria chuckled a bit. “So long as I don’t move too fast, I should be okay. Now, then! I believe we have some interviews to conduct, and while I trust Trixie, I do want to take my own notes on what is discussed here. It will make it easier for me to get back to work later.”
“Very well. Trixie, please make sure you provide Miss Inkwell with anything she needs,” Celestia said.
“Of course,” Trixie replied, her magic holding an oversized velvet cushion in place while Wysteria collapsed with a groan of relief. “Do you need anything right now, Miss Inkwell?”
“Not at the moment,” Wysteria said, her eyes darting around the throne room. “Where is Corporal Quillpoint?”
“He is on guard duty at Sergeant Pokey’s house. Chrysalis is due to emerge from her pod at any time, and Captain Armor has put the best ponies he has on watch to ensure there are no unwanted surprises when she does.”
Wysteria looked relieved, concerned, and proud all at the same time. “Oh. Well, of course Quill would be needed for such an important assignment. His abilities are quite remarkable, after all. But, I was rather hoping he’d be here today…”
Wysteria’s last sentence trailed off to a whisper, and even Bean caught on to her thinly hidden desire to see him. The longing look in her eyes was encouraging, and Bean’s hopes for a happy reunion between the two of them grew in strength. Doubtless, they still had many obstacles to overcome, but at least they did not seem to be insurmountable.
“Let us proceed,” Celestia stated, a small grin of delight on her face. “Sergeant Pepper, please escort Night Light and Twilight Velvet in as soon as they arrive.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” the sergeant replied. Celestia then produced a stack of papers, and Bean leaned in slightly as her magic held them aloft in front of him.
“Do you recognize the names on here?” Bean asked.
“Yes. Most of these ponies are teachers at my school. However, if it can be arranged, my personal preference would be to have the Deans as Nilla’s head tutors, with these teachers stepping in as their expertise is needed. You and I will naturally be a large part of her education, but it may be wise to have a dedicated tutor here, to assist with any needs that may arise while we are unavailable.”
“Or when I get stumped by what she’s learning,” Bean offered. “That should happen somewhere around halfway into kindergarten, I’m guessing.”
“I know your education level is better than that,” Celestia chided. “Quite honestly, I believe you will be one of the greatest assets in Nilla’s education.”
Before Bean could offer any further comment, Sergeant Pepper strode into the Throne room, with two ponies following closely behind. “Announcing Duke Night Light and Duchess Twilight Velvet, Your Highnesses.”
“They got titles too, eh?” Bean quietly quipped as the newcomers bowed before the throne.
“They are the parents of a princess, after all,” Celestia replied with a grin. “Night Light, Velvet, thank you for coming here today. I know how busy you both are, and I appreciate you taking this time to discuss my daughter’s future education.”
“Of course, Your Highness,” Night Light said as he and his wife straightened. “It’s the least we can do to repay you for everything you’ve given to us. Prince Bean, it’s an honor to finally meet you. I regret that we haven’t had a chance to make your acquaintance before now.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you now,” Bean said. “So, since I know next to nothing about you, why don’t you fill me in on what I should know?”
Twilight Velvet smiled. “Princess, have you really not told him anything about us?”
“I’m afraid I haven’t had the chance,” Celestia replied. “In all honesty, I have not discussed much of what I do at the school with him. Yet.”
“Fair enough, I suppose.” Velvet cleared her throat and glanced to her husband. “I guess we should give the usual introduction?”
“I suppose so. Your Highness, I am Doctor Night Light, Dean of Mathematics at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. In my free time, I like to fill out sudoku puzzles, play bingo, and add to my antique vinyl record collection.”
“Doctor Twilight Velvet, Dean of Physics and Thaumaturlogial Studies,” Velvet added. “But between us, you really don’t have to call us Doctors, since we’re not that kind of doctor. When I’m not grading term papers, I usually like to get out and run field experiments.”
“Oh, like that bungee jumping ‘experiment’ over Luna Bay?” Night Light shot with a chuckle.
“Applied application of gravitational forces to a free-falling body in motion,” Velvet retorted with a grin. “And I was right, by the way. At any rate, it is a pleasure to finally meet you, Prince Bean.”
“The same, Doctor Duchess Dean Twilight Velvet,” Bean replied with a confused look. “Er, was that right? I’m not sure what the proper order of titles should be in this case.”
“Officially, it should be Duchess Doctor Dean. I think.” Twilight Velvet paused for a moment and pondered the idea, but then shook her head. “Anyway, Night Light and I aren’t much for titles. As you can see, they’re a trip hazard. We avoid using them among friends, so there’s no need for them here.”
“I and my four hundred twenty-seven offical titles wholeheartedly agree,’’ Celestia said. “And now that we have the introductions out of the way, let’s get down to business.”
* * ✹ * *
Bean blinked a few times, and his eyes darted over the parchment in front of him in a futile attempt to understand how this had all happened.
As a kid, Bean’s parents had taken a hooves-off approach to Bean’s education, for the most part. They helped him with his homework at night, of course, and they attended every parent-teacher conference dutifully and with a deep interest in their son’s grades.
But since Bean was destined to be a chef, they had made no express effort to push him in any other direction. There was never any pressure to develop his hoofball skills so he could be a famous athlete, no mandate to excel in science, math or history, and no drive to refine his tone on a musical instrument so as to become a world-famous cellist.
The education he needed for cooking could only be properly taught by them, in the Zuerst, so any additional education he recieved was a bonus on top of what he learned at home.
So as Bean looked over the plans for Epiphany’s education, he found himself feeling overwhelmed. Every class she would ever need to take from Kindergarten up to the ninth grade—he was pretty sure they were discussing ninth grade at the moment—had been blocked out, quarter by quarter and semester by semester.
Every teacher, every course, almost down to the minute. Bean was pretty sure he could find where her bathroom breaks were scheduled, if he looked hard enough.
“...and at that time, I would have her take Professor Hard Tack’s class on the Mid-Chancenhausen Era, provided Tack hasn’t retired by then,” Night Light said. “Twily especially enjoyed her lectures on the socio-political developments during the later half of that century.”
“Oh, no, no,” Twilight Velvet interjected. “Shining hated that course.”
“Well, yeah, of course he did. He was more interested in the legionnaire history. I suppose Nilla might enjoy that, if her tastes run more to the guard.”
“Oh, but you’ll definitely want her to take Professor Babble’s linguistics course,” Velvet said, and Night Light nodded in agreement. “That will be invaluable for when she gets into my basic thaumaturgical currents and theorems course later.”
“Question,” Bean piped up, and the three teachers in the room turned their attention to him. “Forgive me an ignorant statement, but is all of this really necessary?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Velvet replied. “A solid education will reap fantastic rewards in the future. I dread to think of where my kids would be now if we hadn’t done this for them.”
“I’m not trying to say she doesn’t deserve a good education. But how can we really plan for this kinda stuff so far in advance?” Bean held up the lengthy scroll that was being generated, and he tapped one section. “Like here, in the fourth grade. How do we know that Nilla will be ready for precalculus? What if she’s only up to algebra at that point? What if she hates history, and flunks one of these classes somewhere?”
“I understand what you mean, Your Highness,” Night Light said with a knowing smile. “And, truth be told, you’re right. We can’t really set all of this in stone. We will need to be flexible, and if there is a deviation, we’ll adapt to it, just like we did with Shining Armor.”
“You had to make changes for him?”
“Oh, sure,” Velvet said. “His interest in the Royal Guard came out of nowhere, but there was no way we were going to ruin his dreams of being the Captain of the Guard. So, we altered his educational plan to account for his tastes, and got him into the military classes he’d need. What we’re doing now is simply making a broad roadmap. The individual streets we’ll need to travel down will be decided as we go.”
Bean’s gaze drifted to his hooves, and his thoughts continued to tumble out. “Okay. But what if she’s not a unicorn, or an alicorn? What if she’s just a pegasus, or…” he hesitated. He didn’t want to finish the sentence, for fear that his words would somehow curse his unborn child.
“An earth pony?” Celestia gently finished.
“Yeah,” he whispered. “She can’t go to your school if she’s an earth pony.”
“And what difference would that make?” Celestia softly said. “Will you love her less if she is an earth pony?”
“Of course not! I’ll love her, no matter how she turns out. But if she doesn’t have a horn, then everything we’re doing now is useless. Isn’t it?”
Celestia pulled him in with a wing, and she gently kissed his cheek. “I didn’t realize this was such a troubling concern for you.”
“It just kinda hit me as we were talking,” Bean said. “I want her to have the best, just like you do. But what if my commoner background ruins everything? What if who I am has somehow cursed her to be less than what we expect?”
“You have not cursed our child,” Celestia whispered to him with a hug. “Before all else, Epiphany will be our daughter, and she will be loved as such. Perhaps it has been a bit presumptuous of me to assume that she will be a unicorn, but nothing will change if she is not. Unicorn, pegasus, earth pony, or alicorn, you and I will still ensure she receives the finest education possible from the brightest minds Canterlot has to offer. She will still be a Princess, no matter what.”
“Your Highness, have you ever considered taking a thaumatology class?” Velvet added with a grin.
Bean shook his head. “Why would I? It wouldn’t do any good.”
“That is one of the greatest misconceptions of our time,” Velvet retorted. “The popular belief is that magic classes will only benefit unicorns, but I am on a personal crusade to eliminate that line of thought. All ponies have magic, so all ponies can learn how to use and utilize it. True, an earth pony will manipulate different lines and currents, but you still touch it all the same. You’d be amazed at what I could show you about your own latent thaumaturgical reserves and potential.”
“My Velvet here travels all over Equestria, teaching adjunct courses and giving lectures on pegasus and earth pony magic,” Night Light said. “There’s a reason the unicorns in the Pre-Unification Era were dependent on earth ponies for food—they couldn’t grow it themselves. Just because your magic works a bit differently than mine doesn’t make yours any less. And if Epiphany happens to be an earth pony, then we will see to it that she learns how to work every last bit of that magic that is within her to its fullest.”
“We did teach Spike how to use his dragon magic,” Velvet said with a laugh. “Now that was a learning experience! They tap into the ley lines in such a violent and chaotic manner, it was difficult to make heads or tails of what was going on, let alone how they managed to get the intended result!”
Bean glanced up to his wife, and his concerns melted away with her bright smile. “At least you’re not having a dragon, eh?”
“I’m sure a foal will be enough trouble as is,” she replied.
* * ✹ * *
“Is there really only one qualified candidate for the personal assistant position?” Celestia asked Wysteria.
“Yes,” Wysteria grunted, and she gave herself a sharp jerk to the left in an apparent effort to find a comfortable spot on her cushion. “Now if I could just get these two to quit pinching the nerves in my spinal column, that would be great. I prefer to have feeling in my rear legs.”
“So, who are we meeting with?” Bean added.
“Her name is Banana Split, sir,” Wysteria said with another jerk. “You’ll love her, trust me. She’s got the experience, the training, the certifications, and the temperament you need for the job. And she even smells like bananas, too.”
“Banana and Vanilla.” Bean snorted out a laugh. “You sure you didn’t pick her because of the alliterative appeal, Wys?”
“That was just a happy accident,” Wysteria replied. “Trixie, will you go check to make sure Lady Rarity’s train is still running on time? If we have to postpone the fitting, I want to go take care of a few side items.”
Trixie nodded. “Trixie will go check on lunch, too. I’ll be right back.”
Sergeant Pepper entered the throne room just as Trixie left, and Bean sat up a bit straighter as he studied the mare who had walked in with the Guard.
“Presenting Missus Banana Split, Your High—”
The sergeant was cut off by a sharp gasp from the interviewee, and before anypony could react, Banana Split rushed over to Wysteria and put her hooves on the secretary’s swollen midsection.
“My goodness, Miss Wysteria! These two have got to be pinching a nerve in there something horrible! Here, here. Give me just a second, and let’s get those rascals moved a bit.”
Bean watched on in fascination as Banana Split gently prodded Wysteria’s foals into a more comfortable position. He had been expecting somepony stern, like Miss Harshwhinny from the Equestria Games Committee, but the slightly overweight mare in front of him was the polar opposite. Deep lines from smiling too much fanned out from the corners of her eyes, and the corners of her mouth seemed to be permanently stuck in the up position. Her coat was a soft yellow, but quite a bit lighter than Bean’s own coloring, and her mane was a messy mop of grey-flecked purple that reminded him of his Grandmothers, and his mother to a lesser degree.
He liked her immediately.
“There. That should keep those rascals in line for now,” Banana Split said after a few moments. “You let me know if they start acting up again, Miss Wysteria.”
Wysteria gave her employers a knowing look. “Told you.”
“Ah! Forgive me, Your Highnesses.” Banana Split moved quickly to offer the proper deference at the base of the dias. “Banana Split, at your service.”
“That was an impressive display, Miss Split,” Celestia offered.
Banana Split scoffed with an easygoing laugh. “Oh, that’s kind of you to say, Princess, but that wasn’t anything special. I’ve dealt with twins before, and they’re easy enough to handle at this stage. It’s an entirely different story once they decide to come out.”
“Tell me, what qualifications do you have for this position? I am sure Wysteria informed you of the job details.”
“Oh, yes. She was quite clear about the expectations, and with good reason. It’s not everyday that the Princess has a need for a nanny, even if you’ve given the job the fancy name of ‘personal assistant.’” Banana Split winked and giggled at her joke. “Let’s see. I am a registered and practicing midwife, and have been for the last twenty-five years. I’m also a licenced nurse practitioner, I hold dual Master’s Degrees from the University of Canterlot in Foal Development and Education, and most importantly of all, I’m the mother of five rambunctious foals myself. The last one just flew the nest last month, so you don’t need to worry about them.”
“And what is your professional experience?”
“Oh, I’ve been the caretaker for several lesser noble families in Canterlot, and Miss Wysteria has a list of my references. I’d throw some names at you now, but that would just be bragging, and I’m not much for that.”
“I see.”
“Now, if I may be a bit impertinent, let me answer some of the questions you’re going to ask me,” Banana said with a wry grin. “Discipline is to be handled by the parents, but I will put my hoof down when a situation calls for it. I am not one for corporal punishment, so any such use will be by yourselves. Any homework that is assigned is to be done promptly and correctly, bedtimes are negotiable if behavior is acceptable, and yes, I am known to give out treats and prizes, as my not-so girlish figure indicates.” She put a hoof on her midsection and laughed. “However, I know the value of diet and exercise, and I will insist on all meals being eaten as presented. With your abilities as a chef, Prince Bean, I’m sure there will be no nutritional gaps, and perhaps you can help me take a few pounds off as well. Overall, I would describe myself as fun but fair, kindly yet stern when needed, and generally optimistic about life and the events that make it up. Did that cover everything, or do you have any other questions for me?”
“Do you feel qualified to care for a Princess?” Bean asked. “While I don’t mean to disrespect your abilities or your experience, we are talking about the offspring of Princess Celestia, and the future of Equestria.”
“So very true. The most direct answer I can give is both yes and no.” Banana Split paused for a moment, and drew in a deep breath. “The care and upkeep of a Princess is not a task that should be taken lightly, and while I have the practical experience and the training, I would say I am not fully prepared for something as paramount as this. But then, I don’t think it’s ever possible for a nanny to be completely and totally prepared for any position they take. Every foal must be handled in their own way. If given the opportunity to serve you, I would approach the position with an open mind and with frequent consultations to ensure that my attitudes, goals, and desires are in harmony with yours. Adaptations will need to be made on my part, of course, but if you can adapt to becoming a Prince, then I believe I can change to accommodate whatever Nilla may need. Oh, and just for the record, I usually go by Mama Nanna. It’s easier for young ones to say.”
Bean glanced up to Celestia, and she gave him a warm smile. “A most interesting answer. Tell me, Miss Split, how do you feel about… ketchup?”
* * ✹ * *
“Your Highness, if you keep fidgeting, I’ll be forced to start all over again.”
“Sorry,” Bean offered, and he drew in a long breath. “I didn’t realize being measured for a coronet would be so intensive.”
“Well, unless you want it to pinch your head, these measurements have to be accurate down to the millimeter. Trust me, it’ll be worth all of the aggravation in the end.”
Bean drew in a long breath as Golden Hammer placed a thickness caliper on his head once more, and he tried to hold still. The Royal Jeweler was surprisingly meticulous about his work, having launched straight into Bean’s measurements as soon as he had entered the throne room.
“Have you returned my husband’s crown to the Royal Vaults, Sir Hammer?” Luna asked from her throne, the concern heavy in her words. “I do not wish for it to be damaged or lost, Harmony forbid.”
“It never left,” Hammer replied as he scribbled a measurement down in a small notebook and moved the caliper slightly. “I can study it where it is and not disturb it. It’s quite the remarkable design, I have to say. I’ve never seen it’s equal.”
Luna’s stance softened, and she smiled slightly. “Indeed not. It is a design of my own creation, with some input from Star. Are you sure you wish to copy the design, Bean?”
“Why not?” Bean started to nod, but a stern glare from Hammer stopped him from doing so. “Celestia showed me the ceremonial crowns that you have, and it makes sense to me that mine should be based on tradition as well. The only thing that’s going to change is the moons, as far as I know.”
“The coronet will be adjusted to reflect your marriage to the solar princess,” Hammer confirmed. “In all other respects, it will be an identical match. I may have to pull a few strings, but I believe I can get the gems and the gold from the same mines that were used for Prince Star Struck’s crown. It might take me some time to complete the task, though.”
“Take all the time you need,” Celestia said, her magic unrolling a scroll and winding up another. “I will also provide any drawings we have that were made during that time. I know I saw some in here somewhere…”
“Announcing the Lady Rarity,” Sergeant Pepper called out. Prince Bean attempted to turn and greet the Element of Generosity, but a slight bark from the jeweler once again stopped him.
“Oh, my goodness,” Rarity said with a pleased giggle. “‘Lady Rarity? I do rather like the sound of that.”
“You have certainly proven worthy of the title,” Celestia replied. “Thank you for coming. I know this is a rather inconvenient time for you, but my Bean simply must be the best-dressed stallion at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Then you’ve come to the right pony,” Rarity said with a confident grin. “However, it would seem that the Prince is in high demand at the moment.”
“I told you, don’t move!” Golden Hammer boomed, and Bean went as stiff as a board.
“I didn’t!” he said as he indignantly puffed out his cheeks.
“You were thinking about it!”
“I’m thinking of having Luna put you on the moon, that’s what I’m thinking,” the prince grumbled.
“Let me see, let me see.” Rarity began to circle the Prince with a predatory grin, and Bean felt like a yellow chunk of fresh bait being dangled from a hook for a hungry white shark. “Green? No, no. That won’t do at all. Perhaps a royal purple would work, or a nice mauve.”
“Why don’t I just wear that blue coat you made for me?” Bean asked with a wince as the caliper was readjusted on his head. “You designed it, so it should still be good.”
“And it is, darling. But this is your first Grand Galloping Gala, so you should be dressed accordingly.” Rarity paused and tapped her chin. “Red might be an interesting color. Something dark and daring, like a deep crimson.”
“Okay. I should have the measurements I need for now.” Golden Hammer removed the caliper from Bean’s head, then bowed to the Princess. “I shall commence the work immediately, Your Highness, and keep you apprised of the progress.”
“Thank you, Sir Hammer.” Celestia nodded to the jeweler with a grin. “Your services are greatly appreciated.”
Golden Hammer bowed once more before he retreated from the throne room, and Rarity was quick to swoop in on the Prince. The tape measure that had been dangling from her neck sprang to life once more, and it wrapped around Bean’s neck with surprising speed.
“Wait a minute,” Bean said with a curious glance at the serpentine-like movement of the tape. “Why do you need to do this again? You measured me half to death for the wedding.” He paused, but then grumbled under his breath “everywhere.”
“Yes, but that was nearly a year ago,” Rarity countered, her eyes sweeping over him quickly. “You’re taller now.”
“No, I’m not. I haven’t grown a hair since my sophomore year in high school.”
“Ah ah!” Rarity chided. “No arguments, please. Now, hold still.”
* * ✹ * *
“Captain Armor, sir!” Sergeant Pokey quickly saluted and fell in next to his superior officer. “I sent word as soon as I could.”
“Is everypony in position?”
“Yes, sir. Two squads in the air, three surrounding the house. Lieutenant Spear Point, Quill, and Tart are in position in the front room.”
“And Chrysalis?”
“No obvious physical change, sir. She looks exactly the same to me, holes and all. At least as far as I can tell through all of that goo.”
Shining pushed Pokey’s front door open and strode up to the changeling queen’s pod with a terse nod to his guards. The bug within was twitching and squirming, and if a changeling’s molting was similar to other insects, the entomological experts had told him that such actions would be a sure sign of her release from the cocoon.
Shining drew in a deep breath. He’d been enjoying a nice dinner with Cadence when the message had come from Sergeant Pokey, and he was irked that the evening had been ruined by her imminent emergence. But there was no way he was going to leave his troops to deal with this potential threat on their own, and his horn flared with magic to test how fast he could throw up a shield in this enclosed area while minimizing the collateral damage.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, he idly thought to himself.
“Spear, sir.”
Shining took the offered weapon from Quill, and his heart began to hammer as Pokey leveled his own spear at the pod and his unintentional, psychopathic marefriend. There was some comfort in the fact that the sergeant was willing to strike at Chrysalis, despite whatever personal feelings he might have.
The assembled troops gasped in alarm when Chrysalis’ hoof shot out and punctured the side of the pod. Shining’s jaw locked, his horn flared to life, and his grip tightened on his spear as her hoof slid down until the contents of the pod—and herself—were deposited in a sticky pile on Pokey’s floor.
Chrysalis slowly rose after a moment, her back to the guards and with green ichor dripping from her withers. She drew in a long breath. “At last! My time of reckoning has come! Prepare yourselves, ponies! Now, you shall feel my wrath!”
Shining knew he should strike her down right then and there. Her boastful words proved that this whole thing had all been part of her grand plan to conquer Equestria.
But he just couldn’t bring himself to make the move.
Chrysalis slowly turned to face her audience—or her first victims. Her smile grew when she made eye contact with them. “Ah! Shining Armor, my little brainwashed studmuffin! So good to see you again! Do you like my new look?”
There was no reply. Shining stared at her, as did his fellow guards, a look of dumbfounded amazement on their faces.
“Am I not the most glorious thing you have ever seen?” she cackled, and she threw her forelegs out wide in a dramatic pose. “You new Queen now stands before you!
“You’re pink,” said Pokey, who looked as if he were trying to keep his mouth shut and failing. “And purple, and gold, and orange... Is this what a new molt is supposed to look li—”
“NO!” snarled Chrysalis, who pawed ineffectually at her drying chitin. “This is NOT supposed to happen! I can’t have changed! This is all your fault!” she bellowed, grabbing Pokey by the neck and slamming him up against the wall. “You did this to me! I... I...” With one final screech of rage, she threw Pokey to the other end of the room and ran screaming out of the house. Shining Armor, who had not moved a muscle since the whole thing started, waited patiently for a few moments until the screaming outside had faded away, then walked over to Pokey.
“Just wanted to say,” he began, “that I will not be your Best Stallion, Cadence is not going to be your Best Mare, and you’re not having the wedding in the palace. Good luck.”
With that, he trotted out of Pokey’s townhome, trying to hide his inner glee. After all, he had no idea that a single packet of Goops All-Natural Rainbow Reverie Permanent Dye was going to have such a wonderful impact on the changeling queen.
Although he had to wonder if being around pranking alicorns for so long was starting to rub off on him.
Naa…
* * ✹ * *
“Perhaps it is some sort of magical effect,” Celestia said, her eyes darting back and forth as she studied Bean.
“A leak, maybe?” Luna suggested.
Celestia’s eyes flicked to her sister, and she mulled over the suggestion. After half an hour of measuring and re-measuring, Rarity had proven a fact that should have been impossible.
Baked Bean was taller.
It was only by an inch, but it was growth. The burning question on her mind now was how this had happened, and what it meant, if anything.
“Maybe it was a leek,” Bean offered, his left foreleg stretched out so Rarity could measure his fetlock. “I am a Bean, after all.”
“It could be because of your rather,” Rarity cleared her throat and grinned, “unique and intimate relationship with Princess Celestia, you know.”
“I am not leaking on my husband,” Celestia announced. There was a slight pause before she added “I can’t believe I just said that.”
“Well, something is certainly making your Bean sprout,” Luna noted with a playful grin.
“How long have you been saving that one for, Luna?” Celestia wrinkled her nose.
“At least I’m not hideous, right?” Bean noted.
“Of course not,” Luna agreed with a nod. “You grew some.”
Celestia groaned, and her face went into her hooves. “Oh, me.”
“So, tell me about this Banana Split.” Luna smiled as Sergeant Pepper entered the throne room with a large tray of treats and a tea set, and her magic snuck a truffle away from the offering. “How did you find her, Wysteria?”
“She was one of the applicants who responded to the job posting,” Wysteria replied, her magic pulling a table over so the Sergeant could set the tray down. “I must have interviewed a hundred ponies or more, but she stuck out from the moment she walked in for her first interview. The more research I did into her background and her references, the more impressed I was, and she quickly established herself as the best mare for the position. It was a no-brainer decision, in the end.”
“Bean?” Luna turned her attention to the prince, who was now standing on one leg with his forelegs out for balance as Rarity measured his barrel. “What are your thoughts on the matter?”
“Yes, what did you think of her?” Celestia asked. “I was impressed, for myself.”
“I dunno, Celly,” Bean said with a grin. “Can we really trust a pony who likes ketchup?”
“Believe it or not, I like ketchup, too,” Celestia retorted, and she giggled as Bean groaned and clutched his chest.
“No! Not my beloved! What a cruel world!”
“Don’t move!” Rarity chided.
“I only like some ketchups, if that helps,” Wysteria offered. “The generic stuff is disgusting.”
“That’s a start,” Bean said. “Other than that, it seems like Mama Nanna would be almost perfect for the personal assistant position. I’m sure we’d need to check her references and all that, but I think she’d be a good choice, so far.”
“I’ve already taken care of that,” Wysteria said. “That’s why I only invited her to interview with you. Nopony else came close to her expertise, and everypony I spoke to highly recommended her.”
“So, when does she start?”
“Next week. I’ll have her go through some training, but by the time Trixie leaves, Nanna should be ready to go.”
“Is she going to replace Trixie as your assistant?” Bean asked, and Wysteria shook her head.
“No. Her whole focus will be on taking care of Nilla. If, for some reason, her services are not needed, she will step in to help me out with my twins.”
“We could make the argument that you will need her services more than we will,” Celestia said with a grin.
“The thought crossed my mind,” Wysteria admitted. “You don’t mind sharing, do you?”
“I think we can come to an agreement.”
* * ✹ * *
Sergeant Pokey sighed as his hoof reached for the latch on his front door. While he was grateful that Chrysalis’ emergence had been uneventful and rather humorous, he was not looking forward to cleaning up the remains of the pod from his front room. He had just spent a few hours filling out the post-incident paperwork and going through a debrief with the Captain, so the goo from the pod was probably rock-solid now and would be nearly impossible to take care of.
The door swung open without any warning, and before Pokey had a chance to react, the new technicolor Chrysalis surged out like a tidal wave and tackled him.
“What are you doing?!” he demanded as she ripped his helmet from his head and tossed it into the house.
“I need a drink,” she flatly replied, her magic fairly ripping his armor from his back and sending it in the same general direction of his helmet. “Badly. You’re going to take me to the Phoenix Fire right now, and I’m going to drown myself in the strongest thing they have until this entire cursed day is erased from my memory. You’re going to pay for it, since this was obviously your fault.”
“I had nothing to do with this,” he retorted.
“I don’t care. If you don’t buy, then I’m going to knock you out, stuff you in a pod, steal your coin pouch, and go get wasted anyway. Your choice.”
Pokey pushed her away, brushed himself off, and snorted. “Fine. But I pick what we’re drinking.”
“Why does the universe hate me so badly, Pokey?” Chrysalis sniffled, then polished off her shot in one quick gulp. “It’s not like I ask for much. A little love here and there, some blind obedience, the power to crush my enemies underhoof. Why must I constantly be denied?”
Pokey, who had decided it would be best to stay sober during this outing, took a sip from his root beer before answering. “Simple. It’s because we have friendship and love.”
“Friendship,” Chrysalis spat the word out with a sneer. “Friendship is for those who are too weak to defend themselves. It’s nothing more than taking advantage of acquaintances for your own benefit.”
Pokey smirked, and he took a moment to evaluate the multicolored unicorn that sat across the table from him. Trigger and the patrons of his bar had said nothing when they had walked in an hour ago, though there was plenty of suppressed laughter, and dozens of curious eyes had remained on the pair as Chrysalis had demanded, and then began to binge on the strongest gin in Trigger’s stock.
“Yet those advantageous acquaintances keep defeating you,” Pokey noted. “Deny it all you like, Chrissy, but we ponies gain power from our friendships. Look at Prince Bean, for example. He was able to fight back against your brainwashing poison because he cared about Celestia, and because he cared about Equestria. He was willing to incinerate himself with the sun just so you wouldn’t succeed. Would any of your drones do something that drastic to protect your hive?”
“Exactly. And like it or not, if we ponies didn’t have those friendships, you would have no love to steal. Honestly, you’d be a lot better off if you’d just quit fighting the truth that is right in front of you.” Pokey paused, and then a smirk came with a thought. “You know what? I think, deep down, you want a friend, too.”
“Don’t be stupid. I’ve had quite enough of that today,” Chrysalis grumbled.
“No, really. Think about it. Why do you come back to me?”
“I came back here because I wanted you, idiot,” she said with another shot of gin.
“Why?”
“You sound like Mandible,” Chrysalis snarled. “You want the truth? Fine. I came here to steal you. When I escaped and went back to my hive, everything was cold and empty. I couldn’t feel anything, and that black void was going to consume me. I had to have you.”
“So why aren’t we back at the hive?”
“Because you tricked me into coating myself in armor wax, and now this,” she snorted as one hoof motioned to her colorfully mottled self.
“No, you could have foalnapped me before all of that,” he said with a smug grin. “But you stayed. You came back because you missed me, and you wanted things to go back to the way they were when you were posing as Bluebelle. You and I had something special, and even now, you’re trying to reclaim it. You want me to be your friend again.”
“Are you sure I’m not after your more masculine attributes?” she snapped, but in a soft voice.
“Oh, I’m sure you are, but you don’t want me just for my body. If you did, we’d be at the hive right now. You want something beyond the physical. You want to reestablish the emotional connection we had. You liked how things were as Bluebelle, and all of that came about because you befriended me.”
Chrysalis looked like she wanted to fire back with some witty retort, but nothing was forthcoming.
“I gotta say, this is a rather fascinating revelation.” Pokey leaned back in his chair and smiled. “I’ve heard that insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over, and expecting the results to change. If you really want the universe to quit picking on you, why don’t you try doing something different?”
“Like what, Mister Smartypants?”
“When was the last time you were happy, Chrissy?” Pokey leaned forward and leveled his Royal Guard Stare at her. “I mean really, truly, and actually happy? When did you feel like your life was perfect? What is the one moment that you wish you could go back to and never leave?”
Chrysalis didn’t answer. She didn’t need to.
“You’re the one who decided to leave that happy place,” Pokey went on. “So maybe there’s a chance it’s still there, if you’re willing to pay the price to obtain it. If you can give up this foolish need for absolute power and total control, you just might be able to fill that void with friendship once more.”
“You don’t understand,” Chrysalis whispered, her gaze solely on the gin in her shot glass. “It’s not that easy. I’ve spent centuries stealing love from others. I can’t change who I am.”
“Everypony—and everybuggy—has the capacity for change. You are no longer on neutral ground, Chrysalis. The die has already been cast. If you want to reclaim what you had, then you have to change, like it or not. If you can’t do that, you will return to that void, sooner or later, and the universe will continue to show you no pity.”
Pokey leaned over, and with a gentle touch, his hoof lifted her gaze to his. “For what it’s worth, I know you have the potential. You’ve already shown it. Small as they may have been, you’ve taken steps in the right direction during your time with me. I don’t expect you to change overnight, Chrissy. I’m only saying that you should try.”
“I’ll think about it,” Chrysalis said. “But don’t expect any miracles, Pokey.”
Princess Celestia peeked one eye open as she awoke, and she performed a quick survey of her room. Her magic leapt out to form a magic shield around her, and she checked for any hidden traps, sneaky sisters, or overeager Discords.
When the scan came back clean, she opened her other eye and fully checked her room. Everything seemed to be in the proper place, untouched and untainted by a potential prank.
Celestia sniffed the air carefully. Other than the familiar scent of herself and her Bean, there was nothing new. The lack of sugar from a five layer cake was welcome, as was the absence of saltpeter and ghost pepper residue.
Perhaps her sister would leave her alone on this April Fools Day, for a change.
Celestia relaxed, but only slightly. Luna, being the former bearer of the Element of Laughter, had been a well-known mischief maker in the founding days of Equestria, and upon her return from exile, she had promptly reclaimed her former standing as Princess of Pranks. April Fools only gave her younger sibling a convenient excuse to engage in a full day of hijinxs at the expense of her uptight elder.
A thousand years ago, Celestia had taken the jokes with a healthy amount of amusement and enjoyment, and she had resolved to endure Luna’s renewed assaults with an overabundance of tolerance, since she had been gone for so long. But her tolerance had been mistaken for encouragement, and in the space of a few short years, the Princess of the Dawn had been burned out, burned over, reburnt, and burned once more on the whole day of pranks, jabs, and stunts.
Harmony knew it wasn’t that Celestia couldn’t enjoy a good prank, or an appropriate joke. She would not deny engaging in a few harmless stunts on occasion, especially if it would help her little ponies to lighten up a little bit when they interacted with her. But there was a difference between the occasional lark and a twenty-four hour free-for-all that was loaded with a neverending barrage of antics and gags, and it always seemed like Luna never knew when she had gone too far.
She was sure she was still missing some primary feathers from Luna’s “harmless rollick” of last year.
Vigilance was to be the watchword for today. While the room was safe enough, there was no guarantee that her sister hadn’t set something into motion in the palace, nor could she fully trust that her loyal guards had not somehow been bribed, coerced, or press-ganged into assisting the Caretaker of the Night in her efforts.
It wouldn’t be the first time such a thing had happened.
“Celly?” Bean’s voice drifted into her ears and sent a small tingle of delight down her spine. “What’s up with the shield? Everything okay?”
“For the moment,” she said, her eyes narrowing on the balcony. “But given what day it is, I’ve learned that you can’t be too careful. Luna is sure to have some prank at the ready, and I doubt it would take much to get Discord in… on…”
Celestia trailed off, her eyes going as wide as dinner plates as they dropped to her husband. She sucked in a sharp breath of alarm as he yawned.
“In on what?” he asked, his wings buzzing slightly as he stretched out his forelegs. “In on a prank? I could see that happening, so we probably should…”
Bean’s eyes locked on his foreleg. While it was still the same yellow color that he had known his whole life, there was a definite lack of the familiar fur.
“Um.” Bean lifted his leg up for a closer inspection. “Is this... chitin?”
“It would appear to be so,” Celestia said, her hoof gently touching his leg to confirm that her eyes were not deceiving her.
“So… wait.” Bean glanced over his shoulder, and gave his new wings a buzz as Celestia stood. “Did I get changed into a changeling, somehow?”
“So it seems,” Celestia said as she took in all of the changes that her husband had undergone. “But if that is what happened, you’re not like any changeling we’ve ever encountered.”
Bean trotted over to the full-length mirror and looked himself over. Thankfully, his familiar yellow coloration had remained, as had his mop of a mane that was still in need of a trim, and his overall pony looks and shape.
But that was where the similarities ended. Bean now sported what looked like a pair of antlers on the top of his head, and a large horn-like protrusion that reminded Celestia of a Kirin, or perhaps a rhinoceros beetle. A thick ruff of brown fur circled his neck, with three teardrop shaped gems resting just above that, each a brilliant blue color. His midsection sported three black stripes, which gave that part of him a bumblebee look, and his new translucent blue wings, when resting against his body, were covered by a thin shell that forced them to taper off over his rear, thus giving the impression of a tail.
“Okay, Bean. Breathe.” The new-look prince forced himself to suck in several deep gulps of air, but his left rear leg was shaking uncontrollably. “You’re married to Princess Celestia. If there’s any pony on the face of the planet who can fix this, she can. You’re going to be okay.”
“I will not rest until you are restored to your former self,” Celestia added. She quickly wrapped her wing around him and gave his cheek a kiss, and she suppressed the shudder that wanted to surge out at the unfamiliar touch of chitin on his cheek. “We will both figure out how this happened and get you back to how you were before as soon as possible.”
“Sister!” Luna’s voice boomed into the room, and the nocturnal ruler strode in from the balcony. “Why do you delay in raising the sun? I have been waiting to lower the… moon…”
Luna stalled out as she caught sight of Bean’s new changes. Her jaw worked for a moment, and it took some time for her to figure out which question she wanted to ask first.
“I guess this means you didn’t do this?” Bean asked, while Celestia yanked the sun up with one swift tug of her magic.
“Nay. I had resolved to leave both of you alone this year. It is never wise to prank a pregnant mare, plus I looked forward to seeing you pull your mane out while waiting for something to happen,” Luna said. She began to circle Bean as she continued. “Even so, I would never do something like this to you. Perhaps Discord is responsible for this altered state?”
There was a pause as all three waited for said draconequus to appear, but he was not forthcoming. Celestia then huffed, and her horn lit as she checked her beloved over for any injuries, and to see how deep the changes went.
“I hope he didn’t do this,” Bean said. “After everything I went through with Chrysalis, this isn’t funny at all.”
“Could Chrysalis be responsible?” Luna mused aloud. “We know she is a vengeful insect, and she could still hold a grudge against the prince.”
“I’m not sure how she could do this, but we must pursue all possible options,” Celestia said with a grim frown. “Luna, please go summon Sergeant Pokey. He may know something about this, and we can start from there.”
* * ✹ * *
“I’m gonna kill her,” Pokey stated with a growl.
“So, she did do this to me?” Bean asked, his wings buzzing nervously.
“She must have.” Pokey began to pace the throne room as he thought. “I don’t know how or when, but this has to be her doing. Just when I thought she was starting to show a glimmer of promise…”
“Where was she last night?” Celestia asked.
“With me, in my house,” Pokey said. “I spent most of the night talking her out of a plan to use her new rainbow color scheme to scare ponies around Canterlot, somehow, and to suck up the resulting emotion. I guess fear tastes like soy sauce to her, but she’s also said that her emotional taste buds are still not working properly. She was hoping that she could get them straightened out by sampling from a lot of ponies.”
“And where is she now?”
“When I left to report for duty, she was still in my house. She said she was going to write some letters to her hive and figure out if she could undo her molt.” Pokey paused in his pacing, and then he dipped his head to Bean. “I offer you my apologies for this, Your Highness. She must have snuck out sometime during the night while I was asleep. I assure you, it won’t happen again.”
“No need to apologize, Pokey,” Bean said. “You aren’t responsible for this.”
“I do wonder what Chrysalis’ plans are, if she is culpable in this matter,” Celestia said, a hoof rubbing her chin. “While this form is troubling, it doesn’t seem to have affected your mind at all. Why would she not try to put you under her control again? Did she change you in an effort to drive us apart?”
“Who knows?” Bean said. “I think she lives in her own little fantasy world, and this is part of her grand illusion, somehow.”
“I’m afraid she is not responsible for this.” Luna’s voice cut in just as she appeared in a flash of light. “Lieutenant Spear Point and I have just finished our review of the Night Guard’s rounds, and there was no unauthorized entry into the palace, or into your room. The detail assigned to watch Pokey’s house also reports that nopony—or bug—left the home at any point last night. Chrysalis is as innocent as she is able to be.”
“Are you sure?” Bean asked. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but…”
“I am sure, Bean,” Luna said with a slight frown. “We must look elsewhere for the cause of your transformation.”
Bean chirruped in annoyance, then clamped both hooves over his mouth. “I didn't say that. Tell me I didn't say that.”
“Let’s all remain calm,” Celestia said, though her wings ruffled slightly. “There must be a reason for this. If only a certain chaos lord would help enlighten us…” she finished, her volume at a near shout.
But Discord was still not forthcoming, and after another moment, Celestia snorted. “Why does he never show up when you actually need him?”
“I suppose it is his nature,” Luna replied. “But let us set him aside for now and eliminate all other sources. Is it possible that a unicorn somehow placed a curse on Bean while you two were out and about yesterday?”
“No, nothing like that happened,” Celestia said, her mind quickly reviewing what had happened the day before. “We started out with a Ways and Means committee meeting, and then we met with the mayor of Manehattan.”
“We ate lunch alone,” Bean added. “Then there was the public works ministry, and after that the delegation on housing and urban development. Dinner was with the Grand Poobah and his retinue from the Benevolent Order of Griffons. Do you think maybe one of them did something?”
“Sergeant Clover, Sergeant Pepper, and myself cleared them before they entered the palace,” Pokey said. “The only way they could have done something to you is if they slipped something into your meal, and they carried nothing on them.”
“Maybe this is some sort of allergic reaction to something in the meal?” Celestia offered.
“That’s some reaction,” Luna noted.
“I don’t have any food allergies,” Bean said. “Or, at least I’ve never had a reaction to anything before.”
“Sergeant, please bring Chef Beet here,” Celestia commanded. “While I doubt the kitchen staff has any culpability in this, I would like to make sure.”
* * ✹ * *
“You wanted to see me, Your High-YAH!” Chef Beet’s sentence ended in a screech once she saw Baked Bean. “Holy princesses of night and day, what happened?!”
Luna stood up a bit straighter, and a small smile emerged. “Did she just call me a holy princess?”
“We’re not sure,” Celestia said as her sister preened with pride, and she rolled her eyes at the antics. “But we’re also hoping that you could help us.”
Chef Beet’s eyes went wide, and she gasped in alarm. “Oh no! This is an allergic reaction to my orecchiette pasta, isn’t it?!”
“No, I’ve had that before with no problems,” Bean said. “Though I did like your broccoli sauce. Did you use pecorino cheese in that?”
Chef Beet nodded. “I also added some chili flakes to it, to give it some spice. Was it too much? I can cut back next time.”
“No, I’d use a little more, actually,” Bean replied, his new wings buzzing again with excitement. “That miso you used was good, too. What did you put in that?”
“Before we lose you two in yet another recipe,” Celestia cut in with a grin, “may I ask a quick question?”
“Oh! Of course, Your Highness.” Chef Beet dipped her head. “My apologies.”
“No need for that. Is there any chance that somepony could have placed something in my Bean’s dinner last night? Some kind of reactive agent that would have caused this?”
Chef Beet shook her head. “I’m the only one who touched your meal last night, Princess. It’s one of the security measures we have in place to make sure your food remains untainted. My staff cooked the meal for the griffons, but their ingredients were kept separate from mine. If you like, I can check the supply I have on hoof, but I’m not sure how anypony could have contaminated it. It’s checked by the guard when it arrives, and kept under guard after that. The only ponies who have access to my pantry are me and yourselves.”
“Please double-check, just to be sure,” Princess Celestia said. “Report back to us once you’ve finished.”
Chef Beet nodded. “I’ll get back to you on that miso recipe, Prince Bean.”
“I look forward to it. Hopefully I’ll be less horny when we chat.” Bean blinked, then put his face in his hooves. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
“I know what you meant, Your Highness,” Chef Beet said with a giggle, and she left the throne room without further comment.
“So, it seems that we cannot blame your food,” Luna noted. “But that puts us back where we started.”
“Indeed,” Celestia said, her eyes sweeping over Bean once more. “This is most peculiar. It almost reminds me of…”
“Of what?” Bean asked.
“Sister, do you remember Sir Gale Wind?”
“That old windbag?” Luna snorted. “I wish I could forget him. Why?”
“Do you remember that incident, when he went missing for one night, and then returned to our old castle?”
Luna snickered. “Indeed so! That was hilarious! I’ve never seen anypony so bloated in all my life!”
“And do you remember what caused his condition?”
Luna stopped laughing and thought for a moment. “Are you suggesting that Bean somehow got into a patch of toxicodendron iocus?”
“It is possible, but I’m not sure how.”
“Question,” Bean cut in. “What are you two talking about?”
“Poison Joke, my love,” Celestia said. “In the Everfree Forest, there is a flower that plays practical jokes on anypony who happens to make contact with it. I’m sure there’s some botanist who could explain the particulars to us, but the important thing is that this plant could have caused this transformation.”
“A plant that plays practical jokes?” Bean huffed. “It’s not funny. But we haven’t been anywhere near the Everfree since last year. Unless…”
“Unless what?” Celestia asked, but then she gasped. “Wait.”
“The botany club,” they said together.
“The what?” Luna asked.
“After dinner, Celestia stayed with the griffons while Trixie and I went to a meeting with some local botanists,” Bean explained. “The head of their club is one of the royal gardeners, and when they found out how little I knew about flowers, they insisted on going to the palace greenhouse to ‘educate’ me. Of course, I can’t keep my curiosity in check, and I must have gotten into some poison joke while I was sniffing all of the samples.”
“Ah.” Luna nodded. “We do have a flower or two in a back corner, as I recall.”
“So, do I need to go sniff some other flower to undo this?” Bean asked.
“There’s an herbal remedy to undo the effects of the poison joke,” Celestia said, her relief hanging heavy on her words. “As I recall, you need to soak in a bath that has been infused with the remedy, and the reversal of the effects should be immediate.”
“Well, that’s not so bad,” Bean chirped in delight. “Any chance you could join me in said bath? I may have inadvertently contaminated you, after all.”
Celestia laughed. “The remedy is also a mild muscle relaxant, so I do believe I will join you.” She paused for a moment as a thought came to her. “Has anyone seen Miss Lulamoon this morning, perchance?”
* * ✹ * *
The Great and Powerful Trixie hated April Fools Day.
Her loathing of the fake holiday had begun as a filly, when her classmates would pull nasty tricks like having her eat peanut butter crackers made of cardboard and toothpaste, or making her “accidently” trip into a kiddie pool filled with fluorescent green dye. She hated how vicious some ponies could be, and how they didn’t care if it hurt somepony else, so long as they got a laugh.
But Trixie was no common imbecile, and she had quickly taught herself how to both avoid the cruel pranks and to turn them back on the prank-er as well. Trixie would not deny that she secretly had enjoyed turning the tables on her attackers, and those old skills had proven oddly useful during her current employment in the palace.
But now, she was regretting the fact that she had not listened to the little voice in her head that had told her to get out of Canterlot for the day. She had assumed that the palace would be relatively safe, given that it was stuffed to overflowing with pompous nobles who came apart at the seams when their afternoon tea was five minutes late. Trixie had figured that if she just remained close to Princess Celestia and Prince Bean, she would be shielded from Princess Luna, and thus safe from the only potential source of pranks.
It was never a good idea to prank a pregnant mare, after all.
That hope had been destroyed as soon as she’d woken up for the day. As usual, she had gracefully fallen out of bed when her alarm clock violently ripped her away from Dreamland, and like always, the hapless device had met an untimely end at Trixie’s hooves. Once she had managed to rub away the pain from her impact with the tiled floor of her room—which she had lessened by throwing several blankets and pillows down at the impact site—Trixie had stumbled into her bathroom for a shower and a healthy swish of mouthwash to get the taste of carrots out of her mouth.
The shower itself had been divine, and Trixie secretly wished there was a way she could take the entire bathroom on the road with her. There were perks to having a permanent home—running water, storage space, an actual bed—and she had to admit that she was going to miss those things.
The thought of how she might miss working for Wysteria and the Royals had been interrupted when she had stepped out and reached for her towel. Normally, a blue hoof would stretch out into her field of vision, grab the fluffy and mountain fresh scented towel, and then pull back to properly dry her coat, tail, and mane.
On this April Fools morning, there was no blue hoof to be seen.
To Trixie’s credit, she did not panic at first. Instead, she simply figured that there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe as a whole, and that if she simply pulled her hoof back and extended it again, everything would reset and she would see her familiar appendage once more.
This was repeated several times, and then Trixie panicked.
“AIEEE!” Trixie wailed at a frequency that was at the upper end of a pony’s range of hearing. “Who stole Trixie’s hoof?! Trixie can’t walk with three legs! Help!”
“Miss Trixie!” Corporal Quillpoint burst in, his horn flaring with magic. “Are you all right?”
“Trixie is not all right!” she bellowed as she thundered into the main room. “Some vile villain has stolen Trixie’s leg, and it’s Trixie’s favorite leg, too! Summon the guards! You have to find out who did this, and then throw them in the stockades for a month! Why are you just standing there?! You look like a guppy floundering on land!”
“Um, Miss Trixie?” The corporal pointed to a nearby mirror. “I think you’ve got something bigger to worry about than a stolen leg.”
“What?! How could anything be more important than my Great and Powerful leg?!” Trixie whirled to look in the mirror, but her rant stopped as soon as she did.
There were two possible explanations for what she saw in the glass. The first was that she had been bitten by a vampire, and that she was now some sort of batpony. The second was that she had, somehow, been turned invisible.
The first option didn’t make much sense. From what she could remember, batponies could still see themselves, even if they didn’t have a reflection. Trixie also seemed to recall that they were sparkly, had an impulsive desire to share their feelings with others, and were in some sort of feud with a pack of weretimberwolves.⁽*⁾
⁽*⁾Trixie's choice in bedtime literature left something to be desired. Quality, to be specific. And taste.
—
That left Trixie with the second option, and she slowly approached the mirror as she thought her way through what she was seeing. The incomparably beautiful form of Trixie was not visible in the reflection, but there was a faint outline of herself, only because of the water that still clung to her invisible coat.
The effect was visually impressive. Trixie wondered if she could somehow replicate the look for her magic show as she flicked her tail and watched the outline of it disappear in the mirror as the water went flying.
“I’ll go get one of the Princesses,” Quillpoint offered. “Just stay… wherever you are.”
* * ✹ * *
“Invisible?” Luna tapped her chin with a small grin. “How interesting.”
“Interesting?! Trixie does not think this is interesting at all!” Trixie replied, though it was difficult to make out what she was saying through the thick gauze that she had wrapped around her face and neck. “How is the Great and Powerful Trixie supposed to perform if nopony can see her?! You have to fix this!”
“Very well. Let it not be said that I, Princess Luna, am unsympathetic towards my subjects.” Luna’s mischievous grin grew slightly as her magic summoned a trendy trench coat and fashionable fedora, then placed both on the afflicted secretary. “There we go. With such a stunning ensemble, you are sure to be noticed now!”
“Trixie is not amused,” Trixe growled.
“Oh! I nearly forgot.” Luna’s magic produced a pair of dark sunglasses, and she cheered to herself as they were placed on Trixie’s mummified muzzle. “There! Perfect!”
“This is not what Trixie meant!”
“Miss Lulamoon, please relax,” Celestia said while trying to hide her amusement. This was no time to laugh, even though she would have done the same thing for Trixie’s demands. “We have already determined how this happened, and we can reverse the effects of the poison joke. We’ll have you back to your Great and Powerful self soon.”
“Good. Trixie would have to file for worker’s compensation otherwise, and Trixie might have developed a reputation of being accident-prone. I didn’t want to try to explain how this wasn’t my fault, for once.” Trixie cleared her throat, and with a glance over her new ensemble, she moved on before anyone could ask any questions. “So, what does Trixie need to do to become visible again?”
“Excuse me, Your Highness?” Sergeant Pokey’s voice cut in, and he strode into the throne room with bug Bean and Sergeant Clover. “I’m afraid we have some bad news on that.”
“Changeling!” A nearby vase took flight in Trixie’s pink magic and burst over Bean-bug’s head. “Run, Your Highness! Trixie will throw herself in front of the threat to bravely protect you from—”
There was a long pause, a quiet throat-clearing when the rest of the room did not join in on the crockery cranium crashing, and then a very small “Oh. Yes. The Prince was exposed. Carry on.”
“That was my favorite morning sickness vase, too,” Celestia noted with a small sigh. “I suppose I’ll just have to go pull another one from the collection. Sergeant, what seems to be the issue?”
“We don't have one of the ingredients needed for the remedy,” Pokey said while Bean rubbed the top of his head. “The last reserves of milkweed were used two days ago by Princess Luna.”
Said princess retreated a step as everyone’s gaze fell on her. “To be fair, how was I to know it would be needed for this?”
“Did you use it for that thing on your—” Celestia started, but she stopped herself when Luna glared daggers back at her. “Never mind. We can discuss it later. We have everything else, correct?”
“Yes, Your Highness,” Pokey said.
Celestia tapped her chin in thought. “There was another recent incident with the poison joke, if I recall properly. Wasn’t it Twilight who had…”
A flash of magic produced several scrolls, and Celestia unfurled three of them while studying a fourth. After a moment, she let out a small cheer, and she leviatated the scroll to her husband for him to read.
“What is this?” he asked.
“When Twilight first moved to Ponyville, she and her friends happened upon a patch of poison joke in the Everfree, but a local herbalist by the name of Zecora was able to cure them,” she said. “Perhaps she has our missing ingredient, and would be willing to share.”
“Twilight and her friends had this same problem?” Bean asked. “I hate to think of what this did to them.”
“It was actually quite hilarious,” Trixie said with a snort of amusement.
“A tale for another time.” Celestia cut in before Trixie could get going. “For now, I believe we should pay a visit to Zecora.”
“Be sure to take your time, Sister,” Luna said with a wicked grin. “All day if you need to. There is no need to rush.”
“Please don’t tear down the palace with your pranks while we're gone,” Celestia groaned. “And I would appreciate it if you didn’t make any large holes, either.”
“Are you insinuating that I will do something while you are absent?” Luna let out a fake gasp and put a hoof to her chest. “I assure you, I will be on my best behavior.”
* * ✹ * *
“Trixie doesn’t like this place.” The sharply-dressed mummy glanced up to the canopy of leaves with a hard swallow as the carriage touched down in the Everfree. “This place eats ponies and then picks its teeth clean with their bones.”
“There are many dangers within these woods,” Celestia agreed as Pokey and Clover unhitched themselves from the carriage. “But the forest is not actively trying to destroy you. If you can respect the creatures that live here, you will be safe enough.”
“Trixie still wants to get out of here as soon as possible. Will this take long?”
“It will largely depend on if Zecora has what we need, and if she is willing to share. If she will, then this should only take a few minutes. If not, then we will be forced to search for the milkweed ourselves, and that may take some time.”
“Twilight’s report indicated that Zecora was pretty friendly,” Bean added. “I think she’ll help us out.”
Celestia drew in a deep breath and held it for a moment. “I have to admit, it’s nice to be out and about. The air in the palace gets so stale, it’s hard to breathe sometimes. I almost wish we could get out more.”
“We do need to go camping still,” Bean noted with a grin.
“We do indeed.” Celestia mirrored Bean’s smile back to him, and a curious thought came to her. “You know, I can’t help but wonder how complete your transformation is.”
“What do you mean?” Bean asked.
“While we know the poison joke is responsible for your altered state, there has never been any serious research done on the actual transformation process. In short, do you simply look like a changeling, or did you actually become one?”
Bean’s wings buzzed slightly as he thought the idea over. “How would we know?”
“Simple. Try changing forms. If you can alter your appearance, then you are a changeling.”
“Oh. Good point. Who should I change into?”
“Try somepony near your own size,” Celestia said. “Perhaps your father? Since you and he are similar in appearance, that might make the change easier.”
The entourage paused and formed a loose semi circle around the Prince. For a few moments, Bean squinted and grunted, but despite his straining efforts, nothing happened.
“I guess not?” Bean meekly offered.
“Maybe you need to have them in sight,” Celestia offered. “Try copying Sergeant Pokey.”
Bean nodded and turned his full focus on the sergeant. He dipped his head, and with a deep grunt of effort, he tried again.
Again, nothing happened. After a few moments, Celestia called out for Bean to stop. “You’re going to give yourself a hernia if you keep doing that.”
“Too late,” he groaned, a hoof on his striped midsection. “But I guess that answers the question.”
“That is a relief, to be honest,” Celestia said as they began to walk. “A partial transformation is far easier to reverse. Still, I think I may commission a study or two on the transformative effects of poison joke. A better understanding of how it works would be most beneficial.”
“Can we please get a move on?” Trixie moaned.
“Zecora’s house should be just over there,” Clover offered.
Bean’s new wings flared out, and he gave them a test flap while looking them over. “Do you think these things actually work?”
“Perhaps,” Celestia said. “Try it.”
Bean’s wings began to beat and buzz like a pair of dragonfly’s wings, and his hooves left the ground. Half a second later, his face slammed into the spot where they had been. “Ow.”
“Newbie,” Clover and Pokey scoffed together.
“I really don’t think those wings can support your weight, love,” Celestia called out just before Baked Bean slammed into another tree. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“Ow,” Bean groaned. He rubbed his new horn for a moment, then attempted to take off again. “I think I’ve almost got it. I just—ow—need to make—ow!—sure to watch—OW!—how I angle them when—”
His sentence was cut off when he collided with Trixie and sent both of them crashing down a small embankment. Celestia’s magic quickly picked him up, and he offered an apology to Trixie as he brushed the dirt off his chitin. “Sorry. I didn’t see you there.”
“Oh, you’re going to be sorry!” she snapped.
“Control yourself, Miss Lulamoon,” Celestia chided with a hard glare. “It was an accident. Besides, I believe we have arrived.”
The reaction from the group was mixed. While the Prince and Princess took an immediate interest in the various masks that littered the ground near the tree’s front door, Trixie let out a grunt of disgust, and the two guards began to search the small clearing for any traps or other hazards.
“Nice place to live, if you’ve got a bolt in your neck,” Trixie muttered.
“I do find it to be quite dear. There is nothing for you to fear,” an unseen pony replied.
The assistant secretary let out an undignified screech, and her wrappings deflated as she shot her invisible self out of them.
“A common response to my appearance,” the mysterious voice went on with a small laugh. “But I did not expect your disappearance. Tell me, Royal pony folk, have you encountered some poison joke?”
Bean’s eyes went wide in awe as the unseen speaker stepped into the light that filtered through the tree branches, and he fought to contain himself. “You’re a zebra!”
“An astute observation,” the zebra said. “Welcome to my habitation.”
“Good morning, Miss Zecora,” Celestia said with a warm smile. “Forgive our intrusion, but as you can see, we have indeed had some problems with poison joke as of late, and I am afraid we have run out of milkweed in the palace.”
“Ah! So a remedy is what you seek,” Zecora said with a matching smile. “Fortunately, a surplus of herbs I like to keep. I would invite you inside, but I’m afraid you are too wide.”
A look of horror passed between Bean and the guards at Zecora’s brash words, but Celestia simply chuckled. “Yes, I do believe I’d get stuck halfway through your doorway. My little Nilla has done a number on my hips and flanks.”
“I’m sure for you she is a delight, provided I see your feelings right. I can mix the remedy for you without delay, and allow you to go about your day.”
“I greatly appreciate your help, Miss Zecora,” Celestia replied. “Is there any way we can repay you?”
“I will give you the remedy with no fee.” Zecora paused, and she brightened a bit as a thought came to her. “But perhaps there is a way for you to help me.”
* * ✹ * *
“Oh, that feels so much better.” Bean groaned in delight as Celestia gently massaged his antler-free head with her hooves. “Thank you again, Zecora.”
“It was my pleasure to assist.” Zecora dipped her head to him, but then she cuffed Trixie over the head with a hoof. “And you should hold still and not resist. I must make sure you’re completely soaked, or to pony eyes you will remain cloaked.”
“You don’t have to be so rough about it,” Trixie grumbled. “Just because you’re still upset about that whole alicorn amulet thing…”
Bean took a moment to fully enjoy his surroundings. Zecora had been kind enough to follow them back to Ponyville’s day spa, and the owners had quickly cleared everypony out when they saw who was in need of their soaking tub and heard about what had happened. While it wasn’t quite as nice as the swimming pool of a tub that was at the palace, it was just the right height and temperature for Celestia to give him a gentle massage as he soaked up the remedy.
“So, what can we do to help you, Zecora?” Bean finally asked.
“Mine is a rather simple need,” she replied. “I simply would like some new books to read.”
“Really? Well, that’s not a problem.” Bean chuckled, then sighed as his wife began to scratch behind his ears. “We’ve got a huge library full of books. More books than you could ever read in a lifetime, on every subject imaginable.”
“Legends say it is superb.” Zecora cuffed Trixie over the head again, then flipped her so her head was submerged in the bath water. “But I simply wish to research some herbs. I will return any borrowed tome, since there is little space in my home.”
“So, you just want a library card? That’s easy enough.”
“I will make arrangements with Princess Twilight to have any book you want delivered straight to your home,” Celestia added. “Just let us know which one you want.”
“You are most generous, indeed, to honor such a simple need.” Zecora pulled the completely and totally visible Trixie out of the water, and she rapped on Trixie’s back with a hoof to help clear the water that the showmare was coughing up in spurts.
“If you have some time, Zecora, I’d love to ask you some questions,” Beans said, and Celestia rolled her eyes as he continued. “I’ve never met a zebra before. Have you always lived in Equestria? Are there more zebras like yourself in the Everfree, or is it just you?”
Bean’s questions were interrupted by a blast of confetti from nowhere, and a familiar laugh flooded the room as the streamer bits pulled together until the Discord puzzle had been put back together. The draconequus let out a laugh as he honked a bicycle horn, and he removed his groucho glasses to properly wipe away a tear.
“Oh, this day has been an absolute and literal riot!” he wheezed in joy. “And it’s not even half over yet! What shenanigans have you been into, Bean-o? Please tell me they've been good.”
“Sergeant Pokey.” Baked Bean gave his loyal guard a quick nod, then fell in step with him as they both walked outside. “I came as quickly as I could. How bad is it?”
“It’s not good, sir,” he replied with a grim frown. “I’ve never seen anything like this before, and that’s saying something since I have a bug living in my house.”
“How did this happen?”
“We’re still not sure, sir,” Pokey said as they both turned to enter the gardens. “Near as we can figure, something must have happened during Princess Celestia’s meeting with the Ministry of Agriculture.”
“How long has she been out here?”
“About half an hour or so, sir. We’ve cleared the immediate area, but most of the ponies evacuated themselves when the lightning started to strike.”
“Any injuries?” Bean asked, his eyes sweeping the sky.
“Nothing too serious. A few minor burns, a sprained fetlock, and some singed hair. Corporal Cliffside’s mane might be frayed for a while, too.”
“That’s good. Oh, here.” Bean reached into his saddlebag and produced a chocolate chip cookie. “I brought one for you.”
“Thank you, sir.” Sergeant Pokey took the offered treat, enjoyed a bite, and then pointed to a small thundercloud that had just come into view. “There she is.”
Bean snickered a bit to himself. He had never seen a rain cloud with a wavy, sparkling pastel mane before, nor had he ever seen a storm that glared down upon the world with angry magenta eyes. The interior of the cloud surged and spat with pent-up lightning, and a few stray bolts lashed out from the bottom as it charged through the sky.
“See what I mean?” Pokey said with another bite.
“Yeah, she’s probably zapped anypony who gets within a hundred feet of her,” Bean said with a nod. “I’ll go talk her down.”
“Good luck, sir. I’ll tell Horsenpfeffer to stand by. Just in case.”
Bean drew in an amused sigh. His dear Celly had been somewhat snippy over the past few days, and Bean was pretty extra sure that she was fighting against a surge of alicorn-powered pregnancy hormones. Doctor Horsenpfeffer had warned him that such a thing was likely to happen at some point, but thankfully, she usually could be placated by a peace offering of a husband loaded down with sugary treats.
Today was no exception. As soon as the irritated princess caught sight of her beloved, the glare softened, the lightning ceased, and Bean found himself rapidly hoisted up to her level in her golden magical glow. Her wing quickly pulled him into her side, and with a snort, she went back to glaring down upon the world.
“So! I hear the Agriculture meeting didn’t go as well as you’d hoped,” Bean started with his best disarming grin.
“It was fine.” Celestia snapped out her reply like the crack of a whip.
“Really? You seem a bit… tense,” he chose the word carefully, “and it’s not even noon yet. Did something happen?”
“No. Everything was fine. The first cereals are being planted now, and Minister Barley is predicting a bumper crop this year.”
“That’s good,” Bean said slowly. “But?”
“But Minister Barley is a nincompoop,” Celestia snarled, and Bean felt the hairs of his coat stand on end as a lightning bolt was launched from the cloud. “Do you know what he said to me?”
Even if he had known, Celestia didn’t give him a chance to reply. “He had the audacity to make a joke about my weight! I’ve never been more insulted in all my life!”
“What did he say, exactly?” he asked, and Celestia shifted slightly to glare at him now. “Just so I have some evidence to present to the Royal Inquisition, of course.”
“Har har,” she snorted. “But if you must know, the incident happened after the meeting. Lady Meadows asked about my pregnancy, and she expressed her rather sincere and heartfelt desire that I would be able to deliver full-term with no complications. That was nice, I thought, but then Minister Barley quipped, and I quote, ‘I don’t think that will be a problem. Our Princess is looking quite healthy.’ Can you believe that?!”
“Scandalous,” Bean said. “How dare he say you look good.”
“I know what he meant.” Celestia turned her attention back to the world beneath them, but her glare softened. “I mean, it’s not like I can help that I’ve put on weight. Doctor Horsenpfeffer told me I would gain a few pounds over the pregnancy, just like every other mare does. I don’t look fat, do I?”
Bean fired off his experienced reply with no hesitation. “No. You don’t look fat.”
Celestia gave him a distrustful glare. “I don’t believe you. I am fat, aren’t I?” A hoof went to her midsection as she sniffled. “But I’ve been eating kale, and seaweed, and all of that other healthy green stuff that I’ve been told to, even if it does taste like dirt. And I’ve been keeping hydrated! Why can’t other ponies see that? I’m just doing what’s best for my unborn foal, like any other mother would do. I’ve been exercising as much as I can, and I’ve been popping those prenatal vitamins like they’re candy. What more can I possibly do?”
Bean felt a twinge of guilt as the cloud beneath him began to rain. Even if he took out the extreme mood swings, it was clear that Celestia was feeling a bit self-conscious, and he could hardly blame her for that. Right now, she needed reassurance, and he probably had not been as supportive as he should have been.
But he could mend his ways, and now was the perfect time to start. With a kiss for his beloved, Bean reached into his saddlebag, and his smile matched hers as he held out a large chocolate chip cookie. “I think you need one of these.”
Celestia’s magic took the offered treat, and she began to nibble with a pleased grunt of approval. “Thank you, Bean.”
“You’re welcome.” Bean snuggled in, and his hoof began to trace small lines on her foreleg. “You do know that Minister Barley was trying to give you a compliment, right?”
“I do. It just… I guess I just took it the wrong way.”
“And it’s easy to see how you did. Since I’m a stallion, I don’t think I could ever fully understand what you’re experiencing right now. Your body is doing strange things, and I can’t imagine what it’s like to try to keep pregnancy hormones in check.”
“It’s not pleasant. I can realize, in calm moments like this, that I’m lashing out or acting irrationally, but in the moment, I just can’t control myself. Emotions just swamp me now, like trying to hold back a tidal wave with your bare hooves!” Celestia leaned over to properly nuzzle her Bean. “At least I have you. I can’t imagine what would happen if I had to go through this by myself.”
“Oh, you’d make it. I have no doubt of that,” he said. “But I could see the nobility presenting a petition to Luna calling for your banishment to the moon until you’ve had the baby.”
Celestia snorted in amusement before letting out her breath in one giant huff. “It’s so unfair. I wound up with this kind and gentle soul who makes me laugh and see the world in a brand new light, and you got—” she gestured with a wingtip “—The Princess of Whales.”
“Whale or not, I got a princess,” he noted with a kiss. “There’s only two other stallions who can make a similar claim. I even got the best princess, too! I mean, Luna is nice and all, but who could really measure up to you?”
Celestia shook her head with a small laugh. “Somepony on stilts, perhaps.”
“That’d be the only way,” he agreed as he nuzzled her neck. “I love you, my Celly.”
“And I love you, my Bean,” Celestia whispered back. “Thank you for being so supportive.”
“Sister!” Luna’s voice called out from somewhere down below. “What are you doing?”
“I’m making out with my husband!” she shouted back with a giggle. “Whatever you do, don’t come up here!”
“You need to hurry, then! We need to leave soon if we are to attend Matilda’s wedding on time!”
“That’s today?” she said to nopony in particular. “I thought it was tomorrow.”
“No, it’s today,” Bean agreed. “And she’s right, the wedding will be starting in an hour or so.”
“And this is one event that I should not be fashionably late to,” Celestia said as she poked her head over the edge of her cloud. “Allow me to finish my cookie, Lulu, and then we’ll go.”
“I sincerely hope you said ‘cookie,’ as in the baked treat,” Luna called back.
* * ✹ * *
Queen Chrysalis couldn’t stifle her giggles of glee, and she proudly paraded herself down the main street of Ponyville without a care in the world. Nothing could possibly ruin her good mood now, and for the first time in months, things were finally going the way she wanted them to.
She had to admit that the plot that she had just put into motion was rather brilliant, even for herself. Provoking the bugbear had been easy, leading it into the miserable little village that the Element Bearers called home was easier still, and the beast’s furious rampage would only intensify when the one who had provoked it in the first place showed up to defend her friends and her town.
Chrysalis could only imagine how Twilight Sparkle would explain herself when the subsequent investigation revealed it was the purple princess who had brought the bugbear blight upon the citizenry. Oh, the town might eventually figure out the truth, but she doubted these simple, backwards ponies would figure out that a changeling queen was really to blame.
Of course, this was only the first part of her glorious plans, and now it was time to execute stage two. Chrysalis loved weddings, and for the first time in her life, she had actually been invited to attend one. It was beyond obvious that the googly-eyed mailmare that had delivered the invite had gotten the wrong pony, but that little detail wasn’t going to stop the queen of the changeling hordes from attending. She had sent back her RSVP, as the invite had instructed, so there was really no reason why she should be denied admittance.
Chrysalis couldn’t care less about the dress, and she wasn’t going to partake in any cake, given what species Matilda was. Donkeys were horribly conservative creatures, and their fashion sense was out of date by at least a hundred years, to say nothing of their atrocious baking skills. But weddings were a fantastic source of love, and by the end of the day, she would be waddling back to Pokey’s house after gorging herself on the emotions of the day.
The things that she could do with said love nearly made her head spin. True, she would not gain the same level of power that she had when she had been leeching Shining Armor’s love for Cadence, but it would be more than enough for whatever devious design she came up with.
“Hey, isn’t that Chrysalis?” A nearby pony tried to ask his neighbor in a low voice, but it wasn’t low enough to go unheard by the Queen.
“No, I don’t think so. I don’t remember her being rainbow colored. That changeling looks like it got run over by a paint wagon or something.”
“Ah. Wonder what it’s doing here.”
Chrysalis’s smile faltered, and she snarled to herself as her pace quickened. She wasn’t sure if she was more offended over being called an it, or the fact that her technicolor molt destroyed the air of seductive evil that she had spent decades perfecting. Once she was back to her original colors, she made a note to come back and show those two simpletons why she was the fearsome queen of the changeling hordes.
A deep roar from somewhere behind her brought the smile back in full force. Ponies began to scream, and a chunk of thatched roof went flying overhead. “Gee, I wonder if that horrible monster is aggravated. What an unfortunate shame that such a calamitous event has befallen this fair town! If only there was somepony who could save us!”
Sure enough, those magic words seemed to force the Element Bearers to appear. Chrysalis snickered as the six of them charged into battle without a sideways glance towards her, and she began to hum a happy tune to herself as she sidestepped the chimney that had been lobbed at Rainbow Dash.
There was nothing that picked up her spirits quite like the sounds of mayhem and destruction.
* * ✹ * *
“Queen Chrysalis! What are you doing here?!”
The changeling queen rolled her eyes and produced her invitation for the hostile earth pony in front of her. “I’m here as an invited guest, whoever you are. Now step aside.”
“What?” the grey-maned pony took the invitation and adjusted her glasses. “How in Equestria did you get invited?”
“I’m an old friend of the bride,” Chrysalis lied. “She and I go way back.”
“You’re friends with Matilda?”
“Sure am, Fussyflanks. You wouldn’t believe the tartarus we used to raise together!”
“That does explain Matilda’s rather colorful past.” The pony returned the invitation, then gave her collar a quick adjustment as she stood a bit taller. “It’s a bit peculiar, but no more peculiar than Steven being friends with Cranky, I suppose. On behalf of the citizens of Ponyville, I, Mayor Mare, welcome you to our town. Please, make yourself comfortable, and let me know if you need anything. I’m afraid we’re running a bit behind schedule today, due to some unforeseen complications—”
“FLOWERS!” somepony’s voice screeched over the roar of the bugbear outside.
“—but I assure you that everything will be ready soon. Help yourself to the punch, once it’s brought in. If you’ll excuse me.”
Chrysalis nodded, and she glanced around at the empty, undecorated hall as the mayor trotted away. At least somepony showed her the proper respect, and had enough decency to keep their trap shut about the queen’s unintended color palette.
But she was a bit concerned about the wedding. Why was nothing ready yet? Where were the flowers, the cake, the decorations? All of these things had been planned out months in advance in her own failed wedding to Shining Armor, so there was really no excuse for the lack of preparation.
“I can’t believe she got the date wrong!” A voice cut into the silence as two ponies entered from the front of the hall. “We’re really going to have to rush to get everything ready.”
“You said it, Bon Bon,” a mint green unicorn replied to her beige friend. “It’s a good thing I have my best friend to—Chrysalis!”
“You leave me out of this,” Chrysalis snarked. “I’ll have no part in any of your little pony schemes.”
“What are you doing here?!” the green one challenged, her horn flaring with magic.
Chrysalis had a witty retort, but it was lost as her eyes narrowed in on the changeling who had just buzzed into the room. “I’m looking for a little lost drone. Answers to the name of Kevin,” she snarled.
“Your Majesty!” Kevin dropped the table he was carrying, and he bowed before his queen. “You don’t look quite like yourself. Not! Not that—um, that’s a bad look for you…”
“Ladies, would you excuse us for just a moment?” Chrysalis’ magic snagged Kevin’s ear, and he whimpered as she dragged him to the far end of the hall.
“Ow, ow, ow!”
“You’d better have a good reason for being here, you little maggot,” Chrysalis hissed as she threw him against a wall. “You’re supposed to be at the hive with everybuggy else. Start talking.”
“I was invited here by Cranky.” Kevin cowered before his queen, his eyes firmly on the ground.
“The groom? How in Equestria do you know him?”
“I was on guard duty when he found the hive, while you were in Canterlot with Shining Armor. I was bored, and he was thirsty, so I gave him some water and struck up a conversation. We spent a few hours talking about his search for Matilda, and I felt bad for him. So, when he said he was going to give up, I told him he should go to Ponyville.”
Chrysalis stared at the insolent little drone at her feet, her fury quickly rising to a boil. “Let me get this straight, Kevin. In a fit of boredom, not only did you decide to let an intruder live and leave with the location to the hive, you also befriended him?!”
“Did I mention it was a really boring night?” he offered with a nervous chuckle.
“Okay. Breathe,” Chrysalis told herself, her teeth gnashing together as if she was preparing to chew Kevin up and spit out the splintered remains like he was a sunflower seed. “As of this very moment, you can kiss your dental plan goodbye, and you’ve lost your profit sharing bonus. I hope you’re happy.”
“Would it be too much to ask for you to just squish me?” Kevin meekly asked. “There’s no way I can afford the out-of-pocket expenses for the root canal on my left fang.”
“You should have thought of that when you decided to make friends with a trespasser,” she snapped. “Now go help the ponies get things set up. If anything happens to keep this wedding from happening, I will personally take the deficit of love out of your paycheck and your exoskeleton. Is that clear?”
“Perfectly clear, Your Most Generous Grace,” Kevin said with a confused look. “But, if I may, why are you…”
“I highly suggest you forget that question,” she snarled. “In fact, if you tell anybuggy about this,” she motioned to her colorful self with a hoof, “I will personally haul you off and feed you to the dragons. I hear changelings are a delicacy, something like caviar as I understand it. It’ll be amusing to watch them rip you apart, segment by segment.”
“I won’t say a word.”
“Good. Now get out of my sight.”
Chrysalis continued to glare at Kevin as he scampered away. The last thing she needed was for word of her molt to get back to the hive, but she felt confident that her little minion had gotten the hint. Since Celestia and her miserable little ponies still didn’t know where her hive was, Kevin’s silence would be enough to keep her secret shame safe.
* * ✹ * *
“Good afternoon, Your Highnesses and Miss Wysteria!” Mayor Mare bowed deeply as the royal entourage disembarked from their train. “On the behalf of Matilda and Cranky, I thank you all for taking the time to come to Ponyville today.”
“We wouldn’t dream of missing it.” Princess Cadence nudged her husband and snickered. “Do you remember when Matilda helped us with the snakes?”
“I thought we agreed to never speak of that again,” Celestia huffed, her feathers ruffling in annoyance. “Or should I remind you two of the punishment that you both endured for that?”
“It was all Cadence’s idea!” Shining protested. “I was dragged into it unwillingly!”
Cadence let out a seductive hum and brushed up against him with a mischievous grin. “As I recall, you were easily bribed with a few kisses, some tickling, and the promise of an unforgettable night. You didn’t hesitate when it came time to break into Auntie Celestia’s chambers.”
“I knew it!” Celestia jabbed a hoof at the captain of the guard and smiled. “There was no way you three miscreants could have gotten in otherwise!”
“In the interest of time, perhaps we should discuss this matter later?” Luna remarked with a roll of her eyes. “But remind me to ask you for the particulars when we get home.”
“A wonderful idea,” Celestia said with a wicked grin. “That will give me time to figure out what to do with you two.”
“Forgive me,” Mayor Mare cut in, “but you seem to be missing your husband, Princess Celestia. Is everything alright?”
Celestia nodded. “Prince Bean will be here shortly. He was,” she cleared her throat, “detained due to an incident that happened this morning.”
“Detained?”
“My dear sister got a burr under her saddle and started electrocuting ponies with a stormcloud,” Luna gleefully offered as the group began to walk into town. “The Prince offered to finalize and notarize the paperwork needed to put the injured guards on leave so we would not be late for the wedding.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Celestia grumbled. “Horsenpfeffer said everypony will be fine in a week or two.”
“I can’t wait to get the debrief on this one,” Shining cackled. “Perhaps we can call a truce? I’ll forget this incident if you forget the snakes.”
“Deal,” Celestia agreed. “Now then, let us not keep the wedding from starting on time.”
Princess Celestia, Mare of the Morn, and Princess Luna, Mare of the Moon, offered a thin grin to a pair passing ponies, then turned so they could properly bicker with each other.
“What do you mean you left the present on the counter?!” Celestia hissed her whispered anger through clenched teeth.
“I thought you were bringing it!” Luna harshly snarled back.
Celestia let out an annoyed scoff. “Well, this is just wonderful!”
The argument was interrupted by Spike, who casually strode between them and deposited a large green present on the table. If he had overheard their hushed argument, he said nothing about it, nor did he react in the slightest to their obviously fake smiles.
“I handled the gift for Shining Armor and Cadence!” Luna snapped as soon as the young dragon had left the vicinity. “You were supposed to do this one, remember?”
“Well, we can’t just come to this wedding empty-hooved!”
“Hey sweetie.” Baked Bean appeared out of nowhere, gave his wife a kiss on the cheek, and slid a pink present off his back and onto the table. “Sorry I’m late. You left this on the counter, by the way. Good thing I saw it, eh?”
Luna’s grin went from ear to ear, and Celestia nickered in annoyance. “Shut up, Luna.”
“Now now, ladies,” Bean said, and he put a hoof on both of their chests, as if to keep them apart. “You two can fight over this later. The wedding is just about to start.”
The three of them then moved towards their seats, with the two sisters still glaring daggers at each other. Before either of them could resume the argument, however, Bean pointed to Shining Armor. “Do we need to help him?”
Celestia chuckled as Shining let out a loud sob. “No, he’s always like this at weddings.” Her ears flicked back when he somehow let loose a louder wail and fell into Cadence’s embrace. “Usually he waits until the wedding starts, however.”
“So, what is the final report?” Luna asked as they took their seats.
“Corporal Cliffside, Private Rock Steady, and Private Bebop will be out of commission for a week, and then Doctor Horsenpfeffer wants them on light duty for three weeks after that, just to be safe. The damage to the grounds was minimal, but we are going to have to pay for the repairs. Seems we maxed out our palace insurance policy with the whole Tirek and Bob the Changeling mess. Minister Penny Wise should have the final cost once we get back, and I’m pretty extra sure she’s going to blame me for the damage.”
“She’d better not,” Celestia muttered.
“Attention, everypony!” a beige mare in sunglasses proclaimed from the entrance. “Our friends have done it! They’ve defeated the bugbear!”
The assembled townsfolk broke into a cheer, but Celestia’s gaze remained fixed on the pony who had made the announcement. “Well, this is a most disturbing revelation.”
“It is?” Bean asked.
“Yes. It would seem that Agent Bon Bon’s cover has been compromised,” she whispered to him.
“Agent?” Bean’s eyes darted between his wife and the mare with the two-tone mane. “Wait. Is she a member of—”
“Shh, not here.” Celestia put a hoof on Bean’s lips to silence him, and she glanced around the room to see if anypony had heard. “But yes, she is. We’ll have to pull her aside after the wedding to discuss what has happened. I would hate to reassign her, but we might be forced to.” Celestia tapped her chin with a hoof. “Bean, why don’t we have you make contact. Be casual; act like you’re simply saying hello. The code phrase is ‘I never liked pineapple on my pizza.’”
“I can do that,” he softly said with a nod. “But pineapple on pizza really is actually pretty good. It’s one of my favorite toppings, to be honest.”
“We’ll need a new phrase after this, so you can establish what the new one will be. Perhaps something about how horrible ketchup is?” Celestia said with a giggle.
“I’ll work on it.”
From his vantage point on the observation deck, Sergeant Hokey Pokey drew in a silent breath while watching the crowd below. Though the threat to the royals from the citizens of Ponyville was non-existent, he and Sergeant Clover had been both surprised and disturbed when they found a changeling.
Admittedly, changelings had become a fairly common problem in their lives, but this one was slightly difficult to take as a serious threat, mostly because he began each sentence with an apology. And his name was Kevin, which really did not scream ‘evil vicious killer changeling’ in any language. It was more like it whispered ‘isolated geek seeking a dentist,’ since he had one broken-off fang and a somewhat crooked smile.
So while Kevin seemed inoffensive enough, the guards were determined not to take any chances. While Pokey surveyed the area from above, Clover remained close enough to tackle the bug, should he try to make any funny moves. Other than his constantly bringing her hors d’oeuvre and asking if she wanted any punch, of course.
Pokey was grateful that the other wedding guests were giving Kevin a wide berth, as that made it all the easier to keep tabs on his location, and to catch him in the act of changing, if he tried to.
“Is everypony here?” Mayor Mare asked, and Pokey glanced out the bay window to his left. Princess Twilight and the Element Bearers were making a mad dash towards them, but with a hearty slam, Derpy closed and locked the entrance without even noticing what she’d done.
“All set, Mayor!” she called back, and Pokey chuckled to himself. Thankfully, Twilight and her friends were quick to move to a nearby open window, and they huddled together to ensure all could see the proceedings.
“So, how did you find out about the wedding?” he asked in a low voice, so as not to interrupt Mayor Mare’s speech.
“I was invited, believe it or not,” Chrysalis replied, and an invitation held aloft by green magic moved into his view. “See? I’m being a good little bug, my sweet babboo.”
“Not your sweet babboo,” he muttered as she rubbed up against him like a housecat in heat.
“Deny it all you like, but we both know you’re lying,” she cooed. “You know you love me, Pokey-poo.”
“I’ll take babboo over Pokey-poo any day,” he grumbled. “What do you plan on doing with all of this love? Gonna try to take over Canterlot again?”
“Mm, perhaps I will,” Chrysalis purred. “Then you and I could have a lovely fight. I can only imagine the moves you’d put on me.”
Pokey could only sigh in amusement to that. “You are insufferable, you know that?”
“Would you have me any other way?”
The question hit him with far more force than it should have. He had fallen in love with Bluebelle, and he was going to propose to her. In his mind, that perfect mare had been killed by Chrysalis when she had revealed herself and her deception, and he had been both unwilling and unable to forgive her for such a heinous crime.
But as he thought her words over, his mind went over the time that Chrysalis had spent in his house since then, and he noticed for the first time that Chrysalis and Bluebelle were remarkably similar.
There were obvious differences, of course, and not just in physical appearance. Chrysalis was devious, manipulative, and unabashedly evil. She reveled in her nefarious plots, and she was so self-centered that it was a wonder that any of her plans worked in the first place. Above all, everything had to be about her, in one way or another. She was the prima donna on the stage of life, and she would never let you forget it, either.
But Pokey had to admit a begrudging admiration of her tenacity and resolve. Each of her defeats had been met with a renewed effort for success, like a military commander⁽¹⁾ who was consumed and committed to winning a war, despite the individual battles that might be lost. Chrysalis never quit, and she never surrendered. He appreciated that devotion to her cause, misguided as it was, and he was even impressed by it.
⁽¹⁾Pokey also cheered for the Detrot Lions, who held an unenviable 0-127 record over the last seven seasons but were beginning to show some real promise this year. —
Buried deeply underneath all of the bravado and the posturing, though, was a remarkably sensitive and thoughtful bug. It was a side of her that came out in the quiet moments, when she was still and when she felt safe.⁽²⁾ He recalled one conversation—and only one—when she had expressed a sincere concern for her drones and their well-being, and how that had caught him by surprise. She was a cruel taskmaster, but her minions did not go hungry, and they were kept safe and warm through her efforts to protect her hive. Occasionally, she would ask him how his day had gone, and rarely, he could somehow tell that she was asking because she was genuinely interested, and not because she was fishing for information.
⁽²⁾A little alcohol went a long way in removing her internal filters too, he had discovered. —
“No,” he softly said, his eyes drifting to Matilda and Cranky. “I don’t suppose I would.”
Chrysalis let out a small gasp of glee, and Pokey felt his heart skip a beat as she pressed more of her surprisingly soft self against his side. “Did I just hear you right, my sweet Pokey? Have you finally admitted defeat?”
“You wish,” he snorted, but with a grin. “There’s still plenty about you that I would change, if I could. But if I could just get you to drop the walls, there might be something worth staying for.”
“So help me, I will corrupt you one of these days.” Chrysalis nipped at his neck, and a low note rumbled deep in her chest as his wing wrapped over her. “You’ll see. I’m a very stubborn bug.”
Pokey chuckled, and he pulled the queen in a bit closer. “We’ll see who corrupts who.”
The two said nothing as Cranky and Matilda kissed over the cheer of the crowd, but then Chrysalis spoke up again. “You know, I thought I would hate Matilda’s dress, but it’s not all that bad, now that I really look at it. It’s still horribly outdated and frumpy, but it does have a sort of classic timelessness to it. If I made a few modifications, I bet it would look fabulous on me.”
Pokey glanced at the bug in his embrace. He tried to picture her in such a gown.
And he had to admit that she would look good. Not that he would ever tell her that, of course.
He’d never hear the end of it if he did.
* * ✹ * *
“Matilda, I just love your dress!” Lyra gushed. “It’s so exquisite!”
“Why thank you, dear!” Matilda blushed slightly, but her smile couldn’t be any bigger. “It’s an old family heirloom, believe it or not. My mother wore it, and her mother, and her mother before that!”
“That covers the ‘something old’ part pretty well then, doesn’t it?” Lyra giggled. “And Cranky! Who did your hair? It looks so luxuriant.”
“Oh, well…”he grumbled with a bashful grin. “Steven might have helped me out with that. A little.”
“Hey,” Bon Bon interrupted with a tap on Lyra’s shoulder. “I need to go use the little filly’s room. I’ll be right back, okay? Save me some punch.”
Lyra nodded, and Bon Bon quickly trotted towards the restrooms. Just before she reached them, however, she surreptitiously made a left turn, quickly descended a flight of stairs, glanced up and down the basement hallway, and ducked into the hall’s archive room. The heavy, Everfree Forest-proof door slid closed behind her, the sound muffled and removed by a golden magical glow.
“Agent.” The meager light of a candle flared to life, and was just bright enough to illuminate the stern faces of Celestia, Luna, and Baked Bean.
“Your Highnesses.” Bon Bon bowed with a quick bob of her head.
“Report.”
“Intel is still a bit sketchy, but it looks like the bugbear was provoked into coming here. I was able to blend into the crowd and remain undetected.”
“And what of Lyra Heartstrings?” Luna asked.
Bon Bon’s gaze flicked to her hooves. “She remains ignorant. I used cover story number seven, and gave her the fake name of Sweetie Drops. She believed everything I said.”
“Good,” Celestia said with a sigh of relief. “It would have taken years to undo the damage, had you been compromised.”
“Perhaps I need to be reassigned, Princess,” Bon Bon said in a soft tone. “I think I’ve become too attached to the local population.”
“That’s exactly what we need, Agent,” Celestia replied. “They won’t trust you if you’re not their friend. Lyra especially.”
Bon Bon sucked in a breath, and she stood at her full height. Celestia was right. She had known the risks when she’d agreed to take this assignment, and she had known of the sacrifices she’d have to make.
“Forgive me, Princess. I admit that I was a little disturbed by what has happened, but I won’t let this affect me.”
“And that’s why you’re the best,” Celestia said with a warm smile and a nod towards the door. “Get back to the wedding, before anypony starts to miss you. We’ll be watching.”
Bon Bon nodded, and she left as quickly as she’d come. It was time to get back to work.
Princess Luna, Eternal Lady of the Night and Keeper of Dreams, grumbled to herself as she forced her hooves down the hallway and towards her sister’s chambers.
It was astonishing how many nightmares either began, ended, or involved one or more of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, though she did have to give them points for originality. The three of them were not the first foals to worry about their cutie marks—or the lack thereof—but the levels of devotion to finding their marks and the sheer amount of destruction that followed in their wake was unequalled by anything that she had ever seen before.
Luna chuckled and shook her head as she corrected herself. There had been one other who had matched their energetic levels, and the west wing of the Castle of the Two Sisters was two inches off level from the rest of the structure due to her Twilight Starbright’s efforts to summon her own cutie mark.
It was for that reason that Luna couldn’t truly be upset with those three adorable fillies. It was natural for little ponies at their age to be anxious over a lack of cutie marks, and Luna hoped that her words of counsel to Apple Bloom would help her, and the others, to find peace regarding their future, and thus tone down their efforts.
It might help bring down the insurance premiums in Ponyville, too, if Princess Twilight’s requests for help to subsidize the deductibles were any indication.
Of course, the topic of insurance costs in Ponyville could be more fully addressed in a few days, when she and her fellow Princesses met to finalize plans for the Grand Equestria Pony Summit. Though Luna was impressed with how Twilight Sparkle had thrown herself into the organization of the Summit, she did privately worry that her innumerably great-granddaughter was overworking herself. There had been several nights when Luna had not detected Twilight’s presence in the dreamscape, but Celestia had reassured her that sleepless nights were common when Twilight was engaged in a project.
Luna resolved to keep an eye on Twilight all the same as she knocked on her sister’s door. She entered at her sister’s invitation, and a small smile came when she found Celestia lounging on a bed of pillows on the floor. Her magic deftly worked a pair of knitting needles, and inch by inch, the baby blanket that had been gifted to her at Hearth’s Warming by Bean’s grandparents grew large enough for a newborn. A nearby phonograph was playing a spritely tune for her to enjoy while she worked, and Luna hummed a few notes when she recognized the song.
“Good morning, Lulu,” Celestia greeted. “I trust you are well?”
“I am, Sister,” she replied with a glance around the room. “But you seem to be missing somepony. Where is Bean?”
“Help!” Bean’s muffled voice cried out, and a yellow hoof popped out from the middle of Celestia’s billowing mane. “Help, I can’t swim!”
“And I have neglected to bring a life preserver,” Luna said with a chuckle as Bean’s head emerged from the foaming sea of color. “Perhaps you can doggy paddle while I summon assistance?”
Bean’s forehooves reached out and patted the sparkling mass of hair that surrounded him. “I’ll try, but you’d better hurry.”
“You are insufferable sometimes,” Celestia chided with a laugh. “Pregnancy isn’t making my mane that thick.”
“No?” Bean said with a grin, and from somewhere within the pastel swirls, he produced a hairbrush. “Didn’t you lose this last week?”
“Oh, so that’s where that got to. I was wondering…” Celestia paused, and a hoof went to her stomach as her smile grew. “Bean! She’s awake.”
The prince was out of Celestia’s hair in a flash, and his hoof gently touched her stomach. His smile grew when the faint outline of tiny hooves began to float and push outward. “She’s really active this morning,” he noted. “She must have slept well.”
“Lulu?” Celestia beckoned to her sister with a hoof. “Do you want to feel?”
Luna nodded, kicked off a silver shoe, and placed a hoof on her sister’s stomach. “Be careful, Celly. You may soon find that every mare you meet will want to touch your belly now. And some of the guards. They’re such softies.”
“You do bring up a good point,” Celestia remarked. “But I can hardly blame them. This is such a strange, and yet amazing sensation. To have this little life, moving within me, is…”
Luna smiled as the tiny feet pushed up against her hoof, as if Nilla had felt the pressure of her touch and was now trying to investigate. “There are no words to describe the thrill, are there?”
“No. Miraculous may come close, though.” There was a reverent silence for a few moments as all three of them watched the tiny life before them, but then Celestia’s glowing smile faltered. “Of course, I wouldn’t mind if she would quit punching my kidneys.”
Luna laughed, and her mind blew the dust off of the memories of her own pregnancy. “Kidneys are nothing, dear Sister. Just wait until she opens hostilities against your liver.”
“I can only hope not,” Celestia replied. “Is it time to go?”
“It is. The train awaits us, and I understand that fair Applejack will be waiting for us at the train station in Ponyville.”
“I didn’t know Applejack was coming,” Bean said as his hoof followed along with Nilla’s random tracing. “I thought we were going to Griffonstone for some kind of trade negotiations.”
“We are, but to be honest, I’m not entirely sure why we’re going to Griffonstone, nor what to expect,” Celestia said. “The Griffon Kingdom has been in a perpetual state of decline ever since King Guto’s defeat, but all of my previous overtures for assistance have been rebuffed. They used to be a mighty nation, but as far as I am aware, those who remain in Griffonstone are little more than scavengers now, hoarding whatever bits they can get their claws on. Any griffon who is financially able to leave, does. I’ve maintained a rather loose immigration policy towards griffons in the hopes that it might do some good, but I’m afraid most griffons would rather horde their money, much like dragons do.”
“Huh.” Bean glanced up in thought. “All of my history classes made it seem like Griffonstone was a fairly prosperous place, since they had that Idol of Boreas thing.”
“I have been after Chancellor Neighsay and the editors at Hoofton Muffin to correct that for years now,” Celestia muttered. “The Idol was lost when Guto was defeated, and it has never been recovered.”
“Oh. So, maybe the griffons finally changed their minds?” Bean offered.
“Perhaps. Grandpa Gruff will be able to fill us in on the details once we arrive. Provided we have enough bits with us,” she added with a roll of her eyes.
“We’re meeting with a grandpa?”
“Gruff is the closest thing the griffons have to a leader. They have not had a king since Guto’s time, so Gruff acts as a steward of sorts. He’s called Grandpa since he’s the oldest griffon in Equestria, not because of any familial ties.”
“Ah. So, why isn’t Ambassador Ghis joining us?”
“He said something about previous commitments.” Celestia waved a hoof and blew a raspberry. “Which, of course, is code for ‘I don’t want to go.’ I don’t think Ghis has been back to Griffonstone since his appointment. There’s the threat of being replaced if he does, and he’s grown rather comfortable with his life here.”
“Politics,” Luna muttered. “I am still of the opinion that speaking softly and carrying a big stick would solve many of your diplomatic problems, Celly.”
“I’ve been tempted, believe me. But who knows? Perhaps you are right, Bean, and the griffons are finally trying to restore their aerie.”
“It may be beneficial to invite them to the upcoming princess summit, Sister,” Luna said. “I am sure there are ponies who would like to tap into new business markets, and the griffons could increase their exports if they have somewhere to send them.”
“If they have anything to send.” Celestia tapped her chin in thought, but then smiled and stood. “Still, it doesn’t hurt to ask. We shall extend an invitation, and hope for the best.”
* * ✹ * *
“Mornin’, Princess Luna!” Applejack swept her hat from her head and offered a curtsy to the nocturnal ruler as she stepped onto the train platform. “Real pleasure to see ya again.”
“Good morning to you too, fair Applejack,” Luna replied. “Are you ready to depart?”
“Ready and rarin’ to go, Princess. Ah’m always lookin’ for new markets for our apples, and from what Pinkie and RD told me, the griffons are hard up for quality vittles.”
“Do you have any luggage?”
“Naw.” Applejack waved a dismissive hoof as she donned her hat again. “Unlike a certain unicorn that we both know, ah’ve got everything I need right here.”
“Then let us be off,” Luna said with a smile. “Tell me, how is young Apple Bloom this morning?”
Applejack’s smile grew as they both entered the train car. “She’s doing quite well, since you ask. Ah guess she was having some nightmares last night about her cutie mark, but she had some friends help her out. Oh, she wanted me to pass along another ‘thank you’ for your kind assistance last night, and ah’ll add mine to it. Them nightmares were really messin’ with her before you came along.”
“It was my honor to assist,” Luna replied.
“Good morning, Applejack!” Celestia called out as she and her husband entered from another car. “It’s a pleasure to see you again.”
“Pleasure is all mine, Your Highnesses,” Applejack replied with a quick bow. “How are you and that little one gettin’ along?”
“Nilla and I are both doing well, thank you,” Celestia said with a glowing smile.
“Glad to hear it. Oh! Prince Bean, before I forget, Twilight wanted me to ask you if you’ve looked over the recommendations she added to the rough draft of your book.”
“I have. It took me a bit to rewrite the passages that she pointed out, but I got it all done just last night, actually. Celly is going to give it one final lookover while we head to Griffonstone, and once we get back, I’ll send it off to get published. Hopefully.”
“Hopefully?” Applejack asked as the train car lurched forward slightly. “Beggin’ your pardon, but Ah think you’re gonna have a bestseller on your hooves. Everypony’s gonna want to read what you wrote.”
“It’s not a sure thing,” Bean said, and he paused as the travelling party made themselves comfortable. “I’m actually going to use a nom de plume when I submit it. I want the story to be judged based on the merits of the tale itself, and not on who wrote it.”
“Huh. Ah hadn’t thought about that, but Ah can see where you’re coming from. So what are you gonna do with the money you make?”
“Well, I obviously don’t need it,” he said with a laugh and a quick kiss on Celestia’s cheek. “So I decided that all of the proceeds will be donated to charity.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Applejack said with an approving smile. “And Ah still say you’re gonna have a hit on your hooves.”
“I hope so, to be honest,” Bean said with a hint of glee. “But even if it flops, I have my family and my friends, and that’s what’s really important.”
* * ✹ * *
“Ah! So here you are, fair Applejack,” Luna said with a grin as she entered the club car. “I was wondering where you had disappeared to.”
“Guilty,” Applejack replied as Luna sat. “Didn’t seem right to be with the Prince and Princess while they were discussin’ their plans for Nilla’s birth with that nanny they hired. Banana Split, right?”
Luna nodded, but then her grin grew slightly. “I would not think that a farmer such as yourself would be uncomfortable with the topic of birthing a foal.”
“T’aint that, per se. Ah’ve been up to my elbows and then some with births on the farm,” she replied with a wink. “But Ah doubt the Prince and Princess need my help with such a thing, and foals should rightly be a private topic. Ah wouldn’t feel quite right talkin’ about the particulars of giving birth to a foal of my own in front of Twilight and the others, even if they are my best friends.”
“Indeed.” Luna chuckled. “Nor would I.”
There was a pause as Luna sat, and for a time, the two of them enjoyed the gentle rocking of the train car as the lush greenery of springtime passed by the window.
“You should ask the question that is on your mind,” Luna finally said.
“Am Ah that easy to read?” Applejack asked with a chuckle.
“To a degree. But I also have several centuries of experience in reading body language. I may not be as good as my sister, but I can still tell.”
“Makes sense.” Applejack paused for a moment, then drew in a deep breath. “Do you still miss ‘em?”
Luna did not need clarification on who Applejack referred to. “I do. Why do you ask?”
“Ah got to thinkin’ about my own parents,” Applejack began in a slow, contemplative tone. “What with the whole nightmare over cutie marks thing. Ah love Apple Bloom, and Ah’d do anything to keep her safe and protected. But Ah can’t help but wonder if Ah’m doing the job right. Ma, she…” Applejack’s voice hitched. “She always knew just what to say, and how to say it. Ah never felt scared or lonely when she was around. It breaks my heart when Ah see Apple Bloom strugglin’ with these things, and Ma ain’t here to help her.”
Luna nodded slowly. “I understand your concern. You believe your mother would be more capable than you are to handle the problems that young Apple Bloom is enduring.”
“That just about sums it up,” Applejack said.
“You are not the first to have such feelings,” Luna said in a soft, thoughtful tone. “There are many who share your concern, from all different family situations. In a way, you are actually quite fortunate.”
“How do you figure?”
“I should clarify that your situation is, indeed, a difficult one,” Luna said. “The loss of parents when one is still a child is a tragedy that should never befall any family. Even I cannot say that I know exactly what you are going through, for my own parents lived to be very, very long in the tooth, and my Star Struck was surrounded by grandchildren and great-grandchildren when he left this mortal realm.”
Luna paused for a moment as the familiar feelings of regret and remorse made themselves at home in her heart once again. “But while I do not have experience with your particular pains, I do know that you are not alone in your suffering. Your grandmother, at one point in the past, was a mother herself, and I am sure she has proved to be a motherly figure to both you and Apple Bloom. You also have Big Macintosh to help you raise and nurture your younger sister, and if my memory serves me correctly, you also have a large extended family who is ready and willing to assist you.”
Applejack chuckled. “Yeah, Ah suppose all that is true. Big Mac and Apple Bloom were almost like two peas in a pod for the longest time. She really admires him, and he worries about her just as much as Ah do.”
“There are many who do not have the support that you do,” Luna said. “That is why I say that you are fortunate. But, in the end, your feelings of inadequacy should not be treated lightly. While you may feel that you are not equal to the task that has been forced upon you, please trust that you are. The love and guidance that you are providing to her is making a positive impact in her life, even if you cannot always see it. Just do your best. Things will work out in the end if you do.”
Applejack didn’t say anything for several long moments, but it was clear that Luna’s words had made an impact. “Ah suppose you’re right,” she finally said. “Still, Ah wish there was a way they could be here to help her.”
Luna smiled as Applejack’s gaze went back to the window. “In my experience, they are helping her. And you.”
Applejack glanced back to Luna, and a warm smile came to the farmer as Luna watched a stallion and a mare appear next to the young element bearer. Applejack leaned into the familiar embrace of her mother, and she hummed as the strong arms of her father wrapped around them both. “Ah think they are, too.”
“Tell me, what were they like?” Luna gently asked.
* * ✹ * *
“Um, Celly?” Bean glanced around the deserted and decrepit train station, then let out a yelp when his rear hoof went through the rotten floorboards of the platform. “We are in the right place, aren’t we?”
“We are,” she said with a soft sigh. “Griffonstone is right up there.”
Bean freed his hoof, then stared, slack jawed, at the decrepit and crumbling aerie before him. When they had left that morning, Bean had pictured Griffonstone as an elegant place, with sharp angles in the architecture that would direct the eye skyward, where griffons felt an instinctive yearning to be. Given Celestia’s comments about the decline of the nation, he had expected the modest buildings to be weathered and well-used, but still maintained as best as they could be, and would only need a few minor repairs to restore them back to their original glory.
That image crumbled and collapsed in perfect synchronization with the roof of a nearby building, and Baked Bean worried for the moment that the rest of the city would follow.
“Well, talk about your fixer upper,” he muttered after a few moments. “How long has it been since King Guto was defeated, again?”
“Seventy years ago,” Celestia said, her gaze on her hooves as she gingerly stepped across and around the weak points in the floor like she was crossing a lava flow.
“This is why Trixie never performs in Griffonstone,” Trixie said with a disapproving glance at her surroundings. “And because Griffons wouldn’t know entertainment even if it came up and bit them in the tail feathers.”
“Griffons don’t have tail feathers,” Luna noted with a grin.
“You know what I mean.”
“I want all of you to be on your best behavior while we are here,” Celestia said as the party walked up the dirt path that led to the center of the ‘kingdom.’ “And that includes you, Luna. The griffons will be hostile, and I would like to avoid giving them any reason to be worse.”
“Of course,” Luna said with a nod.
“Everypony, please keep your comments to yourself, unless it is related to the business at hoof. Be polite, and do not take offence over griffon manners and behavior. Remember, they are like a ship without a captain, adrift and driven by the whims of the wind. Hopefully, this visit will help begin a new era for them. Applejack, did Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie tell you anything about their recent visit?”
“I didn’t know they had been here,” Bean said.
“The cutie mark map called them here about a week ago,” Applejack said with a thoughtful look. “From what they said, their mission was to make amends with Gilda, an old friend Dash knew back in the junior speedsters. Pinkie also mentioned that they needed baking powder somethin’ fierce. They both were hopin’ that Gilda would teach the other griffons about friendship, since griffons don’t have friends.”
“Then let us do all that we can to build upon their efforts,” Celestia said.
Thankfully, it was a short walk from the station to what was the closest thing Griffonstone had to a town square, but even calling it that was a bit of a stretch. To Bean, it was simply a wider-than-normal spot on the main road, but it also was the first place that had actual griffons, as opposed to the empty road that they had just travelled.
“Excuse me, Sir,” Celestia called out to a passing griffon. “Could you tell me where Grandpa Gruff is?”
“Got any bits?” the griffon snapped with an annoyed huff. Celestia produced two with her magic, and the potential informant quickly snatched them away before they could disappear. “Nope. Haven’t seen him. Try over there, maybe.”
Bean couldn’t hold back his gasp as the griffon quickly took to the air. “Did he seriously just demand payment for no information?”
“Remember, most griffons are trying to leave for greener pastures,” Celestia said softly. “They’ll do just about anything for bits.”
“It’s still rude. He could have just said no.”
“Perhaps. Excuse me, young one!” Celestia quickly trotted over to another passing griffon. “Could you tell me where Grandpa Gruff is?”
“Maybe. How much is it worth to you?” the small griffon asked, and the princess produced two bits for him. “Last I saw, he was at his house.”
“So, he is in yonder castle?” Luna asked.
The young griffon shrugged, but he was quick to clarify his response once two more bits were passed to him. “That’s not his house. Nogriff has lived there for ages. His house is over there,” he said with a casual wave to his left.
“What is your name, young sir?” Celestia asked.
“Gallus.”
“I have a proposition for you, Mister Gallus. I will pay you fifty bits if you will agree to be our guide for the day. Will that be acceptable?”
Gallus’ eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Fifty?! Lady, I’ll drag Gruff here by the tail if you want! Payment in advance,” he quickly added.
Celestia summoned the bits with her magic, but before the eager griffon could swipe them away, she pulled them back and out of reach. “Let me be clear, young Gallus. When I say ‘for the day,’ I mean from this exact moment until we leave this evening. I also expect you to provide whatever assistance we require during our visit here, with no further payment for your services. Is that clear?”
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” Gallus impatiently snapped. “Fork over the money, and I’m your slave until you leave. I got it.”
Bean wasn’t surprised when the greedy little parasite cackled and clucked in delight over the small fortune that Celestia put into his claws, but there was an unmistakable joy in the griffon’s eyes that was surprisingly telling. This kid wasn’t going to squander his newfound wealth, nor was he going to stuff the cash under his mattress and sit on them. Gallus had carefully thought out plans, hidden deep underneath that blue plumage of his, and these bits had just given them a major shove towards fruition.
“Now, where is Gruff?” Celestia asked once more.
“He’s over here. C’mon.” The entourage fell in behind Gallus, who eagerly led them past the dilapidated houses and decrepit buildings that made up his hometown.
“Shoot, this place makes my chicken coops look like the palace by comparison, don’t it?” Applejack said in a low voice to Bean. “RD and Pinkie said the griffons were going through a rough patch, but Ah think they undersold how rough that patch really is.”
“No kidding,” Bean said. “I don’t know how any creature can live in conditions like this. Don’t they have any pride or dignity?”
“Dignity is a noble trait,” Luna cut into their conversation, “but as far as I am aware, it cannot be used to purchase lumber and paint. Desire and capacity are two different things.”
“Yeah, but this is something else, you gotta admit,” Bean said as a random griffon brusquely brushed by them with a demand to watch where he was going.
“Not at all. What you see before you was a common sight among ponykind in the Pre-Unification Era, and pony behavior then was nearly identical to how the griffons behave now.”
“But, that means all of this can be fixed up proper like, if’n the griffons can learn how to get along,” Applejack said.
“Indeed. It will take time, but the magic of friendship can restore this aerie.”
“And bits,” Applejack added. “Lots of bits.”
“And bits,” Celestia confirmed. “For now, it behooves us to ensure that we encourage the small flame that Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie lit during their visit.”
“Gruff!” Gallus shouted and banged on the door of a nondescript house, thus breaking up the conversation. “There’s some fancy-looking ponies out here to see you!”
“Tell them to go away!” an ancient voice wheezed back, with a few coughs for good measure. “I don’t want any visitors, well-wishers, relations, or otherwise!”
“Hang on a minute.” Gallus grabbed the handle, pulled the door clean away from the frame, entered the house over Gruff’s angry squawks of protest, and then put the door back just as it had been. There was more indistinct shouting for a few moments, then a few angry but unintelligible words. After another moment of silence, the door opened in the proper fashion, and Gallus strode back out with a satisfied grin.
“So, you actually came, Princess!” Grandpa Gruff wheezed out a laugh as he slowly saundered outside. “I don’t know why you did, but you ponies have always been weird.”
Bean took a moment to look over the ancient leader of the griffon nation, and he wasn’t impressed. Grandpa Gruff was a frail-looking, bushy-eyebrowed griffon who was missing most of the plumage on his face, and the fez hat that he wore was the cherry on the cake, as it were. A deep scar ran down the left side of his face, and Bean wasn’t sure if his left eye was a real eye that had clouded over, or if it was made of glass.
It was little wonder that Griffonstone had decayed to its current condition, given that their ‘leader’ was just as broken down as the aerie itself.
“Good morning to you, Gruff,” Celestia greeted with an amiable smile. “It’s a pleasure to see you again.”
“No it ain’t,” he snapped. “But whatever. I suppose you’re here for the… thing.”
“Thing?” Celestia asked.
“My memory ain’t what it used to be, you know. Sometimes it needs a little jog,” Gruff replied, but his crooked beak split into a wicked smile when Celestia’s magic summoned four bits for him. “Guess she didn’t tell you either, I suppose. I’m not the one who wants to see you, Princess. She is.”
Gruff pointed to a griffon down the road, who was standing next to a cart that was loaded up with what looked like freshly baked scones. Bean’s legs propelled him towards his fellow baker without any prompting from his brain, with the rest of the group and Gruff following behind him.
“What do you want?” the griffon demanded as he approached. “And keep your hooves off the merchandise! You want one, you pay for it, got it?!”
“What are these?” Bean asked, his nose dropping dangerously close to the baked goods.
“They’re griffon scones, dummy. Two bits for one scone, non negotiable. Hey! No free smells!”
It was too late; Bean had already taken a deep whiff. They were simple things—no more than flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder—but his mind quickly offered up a dozen different recipes that could enhance and add on to this basic formula.
“You are Gilda, are you not?” Luna asked as the griffon shooed Bean away from her cart like he was a pesky and persistent fly.
“Yeah. Luna and Celestia, right?” Gilda replied, and the Sisters nodded. “And you’re Applejack. Rainbow’s farmer friend. Who’s Mister Nosy McSniffy over there? One of your valets?”
“Gilda, this is my husband, Prince Baked Bean,” Celestia calmly replied.
“Him?!” Gilda barked. “Huh! The newspapers made you look bigger.”
“I hear the camera adds twenty pounds,” Bean dryly remarked.
“And you? I don’t care who you are.” Gilda scoffed and gave a dismissive wave to Trixie, who promptly sputtered and huffed in indignation.
“How dare you speak to The Great and Powerful Trixie that way! I’ll have you know that I am the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria, and the Princess’ major-domo!”
“Major-domo?” Celestia’s eyebrow slid upwards, and Trixie chuckled nervously.
“Would you believe minor-domo?”
“The way I heard it, Twilight Sparkle kicked your flank. Twice,” Gilda said with a chuckle. “Doesn’t sound very powerful to me.”
“Why have you summoned us here?” Celestia stepped in before Trixie could properly retort to the insult and start a fight.
“Grandpa Gruff said I had to talk to you if I wanted to sell my scones in Equestria,” Gilda said, her previous bravado rapidly giving way to nervousness. “Pinkie said something about finding new markets for my product, or something weird like that.”
“You wish to export your baked goods to our country?” Luna asked.
“Yeah, I guess. I can do that, right?”
“Certes, provided you follow the appropriate rules and regulations. However, this is a matter that could have been easily tended to by Ambassador Ghis. Why did you not contact him for assistance?”
“Ghis?” Gruff laughed. “Don’t get me started on that worthless featherbrain! I think he’s more pony than griffon now. We did try to contact him, but he sent back a letter saying that he would look into the matter, which obviously meant that he was going to forget all about it. Gilda here was annoyingly insistent about it, though, so I wrote to you directly just to get her off my tail.”
“I shall speak to the Ambassador when I return to Canterlot,” Celestia said with a serious frown. “However, since we are here, I will have Trixie assist you with this matter.”
Gilda’s gaze darted back and forth, then down to the ground. “Thanks. I know this is probably really annoying for you, but if I can sell more griffon scones, I want to try to make this dump a little less horrible.”
“You intend to invest your profits locally, then?” Luna asked.
“You mean buy stuff here? Yeah. Problem is, we don’t really have anything, so I have to buy all my stuff from you ponies. That’s why I wanted to talk to Applejack, too. Pinkie said I should try adding stuff to the scones to make them even more yummy—her words, not mine—and I was hoping you ponies would want to buy them if I put apples in them and junk. Ponies like apples, right?”
“Sure do,” Applejack said with a grin. “And Ah can get you all the apples you want. ‘Taint no finer apple in Equestria than the ones from Sweet Apple Acres. Ah’ll even sell ‘em to you wholesale until you get up and runnin’.”
“Why don’t you three work out the details while Princess Luna, Prince Bean, and I speak with Gruff?” Celestia offered.
“What?” Gruff asked. “What for? I know Ghis is a deadbeat, but I doubt he’d leave Canterlot for anything now, so there’s no point in replacing him.”
“I actually have something else in mind. How would you feel about sending a delegate to an upcoming summit we have planned? There will be representatives from all of Equestria’s cities there, and my little ponies might be willing to buy your goods and services, if they know that they can.”
Gruff rubbed his chin in thought, but he appeared to be unconvinced.
“It would be a fantastic way to bring more bits to your aerie,” Luna added.
“Bits?” Gruff eagerly asked. Luna was speaking his language now, and she grinned as she pressed the point home.
“Indeed. After all, sometimes the quickest way to find profits is to let them come to you.”
Gruff chuckled. “I suppose we could work something out. Gwendolyn is probably the best griffon for this little summit of yours. Gallus, you go get her while the Princesses and I discuss what they had in mind.”
* * ✹ * *
“Welcome back, Your Highnesses!” Banana Split greeted the returning royals as they entered the train car. “I hope your business has been concluded in a satisfactory manner.”
“I’m just glad we’re done with this abysmal pit of despair,” Bean grumbled. “What a disgusting mess!”
“Really?” Banana glanced between the royals, her confusion clearly written on her face. “I knew that Griffonstone has had some difficulties in the past, but I find it hard to believe that things are that bad.”
“It’s worse, actually. The only thing any of them care about is bits, and how to get more of them. The whole place is falling apart from the inside out, and all they can do is make demands for more money. It would be one thing if they’d invest some of those bits in making repairs, or maybe trying to get their businesses going again, but my wife was right. They’re just a bunch of differently-shaped dragons, making piles of gold to sit on while they squawk at one another about their hoard.”
Celestia started to say something, but she was interrupted by Trixie, who let out a large belch and then let out a shout of pain.
“Mi doze! Guh! It wed up my doze!” she bellowed as her hooves pawed at the end of her snout. “Geh it out, geh it out!”
“Hold still,” Banana Split ordered, taking Trixie’s face into her hooves. “You really got it wedged in there, didn’t you? At least it’s not a crayon, for a change. Or loose change, either. It’s amazing what a foal will try to stick in their nose.” With a tug and yelp from Trixie, Banana removed the message from Trixie’s nostril. “There we go. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“Ugh, there has got to be a better way to receive messages.” Trixie opened the message with her magic while rubbing the end of her nose. “Looks like this one is for Princess Luna.”
“Missus Split, would you please assist Miss Trixie with her paperwork?” Celestia said. “I believe she has several forms to fill out, and copies will need to be sent to Princess Twilight Sparkle and Wysteria for review.”
“You can start by getting me some ice.” Trixie said. “Having a dragonfire message summoned in your nose hurts worse than snorting soda pop.”
“Ah’ll tag along with you,” Applejack added. “After all that talkin’, my throat feels as dry as kindlin’ over a matchstick.”
The three left just as the rail cars jerked and rattled to begin the trip home, and the Royals made themselves comfortable as the train picked up speed. Once Bean and Celestia had snuggled up to each other, the princess began to nip and nibble in his mane with her teeth.
“This is a most interesting development,” Luna said, as she flipped the scroll over and made sure there was nothing written on the back side. “This missivie is from Prince Blueblood. He reports that he has made some progress with the Yaks, and that they wish to send a delegation to Equestria to discuss the reopening of their borders.”
“He actually got through to them, eh?” Bean said with a grin.
Luna nodded. “This is excellent news. Sister, perhaps we should ask Twilight Sparkle to act as our representative in this matter. She is the Princess of Friendship, and I am sure we want Yakyakistan to be on friendly terms with Equestria.”
“Indeed, but it would be for the best if the delegation came in a few weeks, once Twilight has had a chance to recover from the Princess Summit. While she is capable of multitasking, the demands of the summit should be her primary focus for now. To add a yak delegation now would be a bit much.”
Luna nodded. “I agree. I shall write back to Blueblood, and inform him that a visit can be arranged in one month’s time. That should give Twilight Sparkle sufficient time to complete the summit and to properly prepare for their arrival.”
Celestia nodded. “That will work. I shall have to thank Blueblood for his diligence and devotion to this cause.” She paused and nipped Bean’s ear. “Maybe he’s trying to make amends for his previous actions towards you?”
“I think he’s trying to please you, more than anything,” Bean replied. “Other than being a bit rude and snippy, he really didn’t treat me all that badly. I don’t hold any grudges against him.”
“And what of the griffons? Can you forgive them for how they have acted today?”
“I suppose so. Why?” He bent backward to look up at her. “Do you think they offended me?”
“I am worried about that, yes. Up until now, your dealings have mostly been with our little ponies here in Equestria, with the odd exception like Ambassador Ghis. I am worried that you will be offended, or disgusted, or something of the like as we begin to interact with other species, such as the Yaks. Prince Rutherford, for example, has a well-earned reputation for being an extremely vocal perfectionist with anger management issues.”
“Yak smash,” Luna murmured with a chuckle. “And he is one of the more reasonable Yaks.”
“Exactly. So, are you willing to look past what we would perceive as slights and inappropriate behavior? Can you still respect them, even when they have done nothing to deserve it? Can you offer a hoof in friendship to them, even if it seems like they will reject your overtures?”
Bean started to reply, then hesitated. “Well, I want to say yes, of course I would. I’ve dealt with cranky customers in the past, so it shouldn’t be that difficult for me to be nice to whatever creature we meet. But, I suppose dealing with ponies isn’t going to be the same as dealing with Yaks, or Griffons, or whoever. So, if I do get offended, or if I don’t know what to do, I’ll keep my mouth shut and rely on you to get me through it. There’s still a lot I need to learn about diplomacy, and I know you’re a fantastic teacher.”
Celestia nipped his ear and giggled. “Good answer.”
“I, for one, think that the griffons will come around,” Luna said. “It may take some time, but from what I could see, Gilda, Gwendolyn, Gallus, and even Gruff wanted change, even if they don’t realize it. I believe that their desires for friendship will soon have an effect on the others.”
“Pokey-poo?” Chrysalis softly asked with a deep yawn. “Ugh, it’s three in the morning. What’s going on? Why are you getting dressed?”
“I have to work today,” Pokey replied, with a snort of amusement when he saw the rat’s nest of a mane atop Chrysalis’ head. “Princess Summit, remember?”
Chrysalis grunted. “So?”
“So, unlike certain changeling queens who can sleep in as long as they like, I have to report for duty in half an hour,” he said as he slid his helmet on. “Unless you’re going to start paying the mortgage, and the utility bills, and buy the food, and pay for that expensive shampoo that you insist on using.”
“Don’t forget the conditioner,” she mumbled, her eyes fluttering shut as she began to tip sideways. “Your mane would look fabulous if you’d use some.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Now go back to your pod. I’ll be back this evening, late. Don’t wait up for me.”
Chrysalis grunted, then stumbled towards Pokey with her eyes closed. “Don’t wanna. Come snuggle. We haven’t snuggled in forever,” she whined.
“Yeah, no.” Pokey put a hoof on her chest. “We’re not there yet.”
“You’re cute when you’re in denial,” she said with a smirk, and before Pokey could properly react, Chrysalis smacked his hoof away and lunged in with puckered lips. The sergeant tried to offer some token resistance to her amorous move, but as soon as her lips touched his, the idea was set ablaze and sent screaming. It was infuriating how she could scramble his brain and turn his innards into mush, but he had to admit that he found himself longing for these moments.
It was bad enough that his idle thoughts were beginning to prominently feature Chrysalis during the lulls that occured in his days. The changeling queen was going to be the end of him, and he was helpless to stop it.
“Mmm, delicious.” Chrysalis licked her lips and grinned. “Do you know what desire tastes like? It’s like a decadent dark chocolate, with little almond bits in it. I’m going to put on twenty pounds right here and now just from the desire that’s flowing off of you, my sweet babboo,” she cooed. “But if you must go, then hurry up and get back here so I can suck more love out of you. Mama is hungry.”
“I’ll be sure to take my time, then,” he snarked back in an effort to regain some semblance of control over the situation. “Don’t steal any love from anypony else while I’m gone.”
“Why would I go back to eating sawdust after having Pokey pudding?” she said with another yawn. “You’re stuck with me, like it or not. Maybe I’ll come and crash the summit later. I haven’t caused any problems for a while, so I’m overdue.”
“You wouldn’t dare. All of the princesses will be there, along with delegates from every city in Equestria. You’d be blasted to the moon in five seconds flat.”
“You underestimate me, Pokey.” She waved a dismissive hoof and turned back to her room. “Later. Sleep now. I need my beauty rest.”
Pokey shook his head in amusement, but his gaze remained on the rear end of the changeling queen. Despite all of her flaws and faults, she did have a rather nice set of flanks.
For a bug, that is.
* * ✹ * *
“Morning, Luna,” Bean called out to the nocturnal princess as she alighted on the balcony. “How was your evening?”
“It went well, thank you,” she replied with a glance to either side of him. “But you seem to be missing somepony. Where is Celly?”
“In bed still,” he said, and he pointed a hoof towards his room. “We stayed up late last night…” he cleared his throat and tapped the tips of his hooves together. “Um, we were... discussing the, um. Well, y’know…”
“The alarming rise in subprime interest rates?” Luna offered with a smirk.
“Uh, yeah! Interest rates,” Bean said. “Anyway, she said she wanted to sleep in for the first time in a millenium, so she tossed me out here and told me to take care of the sunrise. She’s got her magic going while she’s asleep, somehow, so you don’t have to worry about helping me.”
Luna’s gaze went into her sister’s chambers, and she chuckled at the sight. Celestia’s lit horn poked out from a pile of blankets in the middle of the room, along with a soft snore that solidified her sleepiness. “And she accuses me of nesting. I hope she does not sleep in for very long. We do have the Princess Summit to attend to.”
“I mentioned that to her, and she just mumbled something dismissive before rolling over,” Bean said as Luna tucked the moon away for the day. “I think she was trying to say something about how it started at nine, so she still had plenty of time, but I can’t be sure. I’m still learning how to translate Celly’s sleep grunts into real words.”
“Good luck with that,” Luna replied as Bean reached out and brought up the sun⁽*⁾. “I still haven’t figured out that language, even after a thousand years of trying.”
⁽*⁾With a little unseen encouragement.
—
“Do you think Twilight got everything—” Bean started, but he was interrupted with a sharp stab of pain when his left rear leg moved. A groan followed his stumble, but Luna was quick to prop him up and throw a wing over him.
“Your leg?” she simply asked, and he nodded with a shake of the afflicted limb.
“Yeah. I figured this would happen. I could feel it starting to hurt right in the middle of—” he cleared his throat again—“of our ‘discussion’ last night. I didn’t think it would hurt this badly, though.”
“Should I summon Doctor Horsenpfeffer?”
“No, not yet,” Bean said as Luna helped him limp back into his room. “Let me take the weight off of it for a bit and see what happens. I’ll call for her if this keeps hurting.”
“Please do,” Luna said in a tone that did not allow Bean a way out of his commitment. “To answer your question, I believe Twilight Sparkle has taken care of the final preparations, though I worry that she has paid for that with her health. She has not slept at all during the past three days. She has told me that she will be fine once Mister Dry Roast provides her with a large cup of her usual caffeinated brew,⁽*⁾ but I have my doubts. I have already spoken to Cadence regarding the matter, and if she feels that Twilight Sparkle is unable to carry on, she will order her to bed.”
⁽*⁾ Her usual being a double-double espresso latte with seven pumps of chocolate syrup, sprinkles, and low foam, but extra-long nights would sometimes necessitate an eighth pump.
—
“Good thing she’s letting the delegates run all of the panel discussions.” Bean winced as he slowly laid down next to Celestia, but once he was settled, he drew in a deep breath. “Hopefully my leg won’t kill me. I was looking forward to attending the summit.”
“If needed, I’m sure Celly can place you in a levitation field and tow you along with her,” Luna said with a chuckle. “For now, rest. I shall go ensure that the summit is ready to proceed.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean grinned as his eyes swept over the grand ballroom, drinking in all of the vibrant colors and elegant details before him. If the various booths that had been set up for the visiting delegates were any indication of how this Princess Summit was going to go, today was going to be a very busy day indeed. Ponies from across the country had already filled the room, and each of them looked as eager and excited as he felt inside. Bean was looking forward to meeting as many of the delegates as he could, and to learn even more about the kingdom that he shared with his wife. There was still so much for him to learn, so much that he needed to process and understand.
He was also looking forward to getting away from the general snobbery and snootiness of Canterlot’s nobility for a day, too. By his own rough estimation, about half of the ministers and the nobles were still upset with him because of the Tirek ‘incident’, and their disdain was expressed frequently and with very little subtlety. Celestia had offered to have a not-so friendly chat with them, but Bean had declined, with the reasoning that the only way to gain their favor would be to be the best prince he could, day in and day out.
“Looks like everypony is here,” Cadence said from Bean’s side. “Are we ready to begin?”
“Everything is good to go.” Spike checked one last box on the list he held before tossing it aside. “Luna! You’re up!”
Bean smiled as four pairs of princess wings unfurled in perfect synchronization, and he snuck a kiss onto his wife’s cheek before they moved out to the center of the stage, with Luna in the lead and the rest of them right behind her.
“Welcome to the Grand Equestria Pony Summit!” Luna announced to cheers and applause.
Celestia then stepped forward, but Bean suppressed a giggle and made a mental note to himself to ask his wife why she always lifted a forehoof when she spoke to large crowds. “You delegates have travelled from far and wide to represent your cities as we seek to celebrate and learn from all of the various cities that make up our wonderful land of Equestria. At tonight’s welcome reception, Princess Cadence will dedicate this beautiful friendship statue, made up of gemstones from each of your home cities.”
With a flick of her magic, Princess Cadence pulled away the large sheet that had been covering the statue. Bean offered a gasp of amazement that matched the crowd’s own—even though he had watched the gemstones being assembled into something that reminded him of Pinkie Pie—and he applauded with everypony else in the hall.
“Now,” Celestia continued, “I’d like to turn things over to the one who organized the summit: Princess Twilight Sparkle!”
“Is it just me, or does Twilight look a little exhausted?” Bean whispered over to Cadence as Twilight began her prepared remarks.
“She hasn’t slept in the last three days. I’m worried that she won’t be able to stay awake for much longer.”
“Maybe she just needs a power nap?”
“She needs more than that,” Cadence said with a thoughtful frown. “Her first speech isn’t until this evening, so I’ll try to talk her into getting some sleep before then.”
“And now, my faithful assistant would like to say a few words,” Twilight concluded, and she yawned as Spike stepped to the front of the stage.
“Um, hello everypony!” he cheerfully greeted the crowd with a wave. “I’m here to help however I can. So if any of you need anything—”
“We love you, Princess Twilight!” a pony shouted out and over Spike’s words.
“We love all of the Princesses!” another pony called out to cheers and more applause.
Spike’s eyes went to his feet, and he let out a deep sigh. “I guess everypony loves a princess,” he muttered.
“Bean?” Celestia’s voice cut into his thoughts as the crowd dispersed. “How is your leg feeling?”
“It still hurts, but walking around has helped,” he said with an experimental shake of the appendage.
“Do you need to sit down? I can get some ice for you, if it would help.”
“I think just walking around a bit would be best for now,” Bean replied. “If it gets worse, I’ll take you up on the offer.”
Celestia gave him a kiss, but then pulled back just enough to study his face intently. “Please do. For now, it might be best if you help the delegates. Let me know if you need any assistance.”
“Don’t you have that mayoral conclave thing? I don’t want to interrupt that.”
“Just send me a note, then. I’m sure Spike would be more than happy to assist you.”
“Yeah, poor little guy looks down in the dumps, doesn’t he?” Bean glanced to the retreating dragon, whose gaze remained on his feet.
“It’s difficult for him to be surrounded by so much attention and not be the center of it. Dragons by their very nature are hoarders, and part of him wants to hoard the attention that Twilight is receiving. Why don’t you try to cheer him up a bit, if you get the chance, and let him know that all of the princesses value his assistance.”
“Sure thing,” he said with a grin.
* * ✹ * *
Queen Chrysalis, the Mighty and Fearsome Leader of the Changeling Hoards, paused for a moment to adjust her pince-nez glasses and then she sneered at the garish trappings that were laid out before her. She would never understand why ponies had to make everything so gaudy and over-the-top, but she had to admit that the colorful booths helped her to blend in with her current pony disguise.
That didn’t keep anypony from staring at her and her unwanted patchwork color scheme, but the confusion and amusement that floated her way was filling, bland as it was. Getting into the summit had been laughably easy, once she had convinced the guards that she was a reporter who had lost her credential paperwork⁽¹⁾, and she took a moment to look at the photograph on her new identification badge.
⁽¹⁾And once they had stopped snickering amongst themselves.
—
It wasn’t a flattering photo, given that her smile looked like somepony had grabbed the edges of her mouth and then pulled her lips out sideways, but it worked for now. Besides, smiling was highly overrated. And painful, unless accompanied with the appropriate gloating.
A small part of her was dismayed that she hadn’t concocted some sort of devious plot to disrupt the summit, but her Pokey was far better about keeping secrets from her now. In fact, if not for an article in last week’s newspaper, she never would have known there even was a summit scheduled. As it stood, she had decided to risk attendance anyway, mostly so she could scout out potential new locations for love and thus keep her drones happy and in line. It didn’t have to be a large reservoir of love, like the Crystal Empire or Ponyville; in fact, a smaller pool would be preferable, since then she could send just a drone or two to steal some scraps here and there, and thus minimize the chances of detection. Those little tidbits would tide the hoard over until she could finally convert Pokey to her side, undermine Canterlot’s defenses, and have a second shot at overrunning Equestria.
A smile tugged at her lips as she thought of her Pokey-poo and his tenacity. He was strong willed and stubborn, traits that would be perfect for her planned hybrid army. His sense of devotion would be useful too, once it was focused on her, and not Sunbutt and that Bean.
Chrysalis could be a patient bug, when the rewards for such were so clear and so tantalizingly close. She would continue to whittle away at his defenses, day by day, until he was hers, body, mind, and soul.
With that happy thought, she moved towards a back corner of the room to survey the crowd. Once she had an idea of who was here and where they were from, it would be all too easy to figure out where to get her next batch of love from.
“Ah! So here you are, Chrissy! I had heard a rumor that you might stop by.”
“Discord!” Chrysalis hissed and bared her fangs at him. “Don’t you come any closer!”
The Lord of Chaos pulled a paintbrush from the oversized red afro on his head, and he clicked his tongue as he loaded the bristles with a mixture of colors from the palette he held in his paw. “Touchy, touchy,” he playfully scoffed, and with one smooth stroke, a perfect copy of Crysalis’ snarling face appeared on the canvas in front of him. “Especially since I haven’t seen you in ages. I have to say, I’m loving the new look! Very avant-garde, with just a hint of repulsed hatred. I don’t know if it’s art, but I like it! How’s that love-stealing bit going for you? I’ve been wondering where you get it from after Shining Armor and Cadence blasted you off to the Badlands.”
“Where I get my love from is none of your concern!” she snarled. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be in Tartarus with your good friend Tirek?”
Discord’s countenance visibly darkened, and his teeth ground together so hard that sparks began to fly. “Don’t you ever mention that name in my presence again.”
“Oh ho! Who’s the touchy one here?” Chrysalis crowed. “I might be evil, but at least I’m not a traitor.”
Discord flashed a wicked grin. “You’re one to talk. Who ditched her hive and her underlings just for some Pokey-poo action? You’re not as high-and-mighty as you think you are.”
“Shut up,” she snarled, but in a soft voice. His words had cut deeper than she would have liked, but there was no way she was going to admit that. “You didn’t answer my question.”
Discord chuckled. “I’m just stopping in for some of Bean’s hors d’oeuvres. He whipped up all sorts of tasty treats for this droll little get-together, and I promised Fluttershy I’d bring something back for our tea date. You really should try some.” A large menu was pushed into the changeling queen’s hooves.
“Pookie Pudding?” Chrysalis asked as she looked over the offerings. “Sentry Cheesecake? You made these up!”
“I personally suggest the Nookie Cookie.” Discord bobbed his eyebrows at her. “It’s just swimming in snuggle sauce, and it leaves a delightful, minty aftertaste. I was rather hoping that you’d provide a little chaos to liven up this rather dull summit, but that’s obviously going to be a bust. You only came so you could stay close to your sweet babboo. I do have to admit that your situation is rather amusing, if only because of how deeply in denial you both are about your true feelings.”
“I didn’t come here for Pokey,” Chrysalis quickly said, her eyes on anything besides Discord. “I’m looking for new sources of love.”
“Right. You just keep telling yourself that.” Discord flicked his wrist to unfold the arms on a pair of sunglasses that had just appeared, then put them on with a grin. “But if you’ll excuse me, I simply must go check on the delegates from Ponyville. They brought the most delightful little maniac with them, and I simply can’t get enough of his snarky, snide attitude. Chao!”
Chrysalis grumbled under her breath as Discord disappeared. Her interactions with the Lord of Chaos in the past had been very few and extremely far between, but even that was far too often for her liking. He was obnoxious, overbearing, irritating, and he smelled like smoked herring that had been thrown out three weeks ago on top of everything else. She had been immensely grateful when Sunbutt and Moonbutt had stoned him, since that meant he wouldn’t randomly stop by and fill her hive with honeybees, but it had clearly been too much to hope that his ‘reformation’ would keep him from pestering her anymore.
“There’s got to be a way to block his magic,” she mused, her hooves moving her to the previously intended vantage point. “I’ll have to look into it when I get back to the hive. Maybe the darkstone would do the trick.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean whistled a cheerful nonsense tune to himself as he limped down the path that led to Canterlot’s polo grounds, his desire to be helpful burning almost as fiercely as the stretching muscles in his leg. He wasn’t about to let an old war wound stop him from performing his assigned duties, because to him, that would mean that Tirek had, in some small way, ultimately won the fight in Ponyville.
That, and Celestia had been a bit snippy with him that morning as the summit had kicked into high gear. He knew she was stressed out, and she hadn’t been sleeping well as of late either, but her fatigue was being vented out on him, and when she vented, the steam tended to burn.
He didn’t take it personally, of course, but things seemed to run smoother if he excused himself during her ‘flashes,’ and today was definitely a day that needed to run smoothly.
So, he figured he could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, by checking on the trimming of the dragon-sneeze trees, and to see how the repairs were going on the damaged water main that had been found last night. Both had the potential to disrupt the summit if not taken care of, to say nothing of extra costs and damage that could occur. Celestia would be pleased to hear that the issues had been resolved, and that happiness would carry over for the rest of the day.
Hopefully.
Celly remained sensitive to comments about her weight, or her pregnant profile, so it wouldn’t take much to undo his work.
Bean forced himself to be positive. His dear wife really wasn’t all that bad; in fact, she typically only had one or two flashes a day, at the worst. Even then, she would acknowledge that she was being a brat and attempt to curb her emotions, and Bean rather enjoyed how Celestia chose to apologize to him.
Especially since said apologies always involved lots of kissing, sweet nothings whispered into his ear with a few playful nips, and what she liked to refer to as ‘extra credit assignments.’
His thoughts were interrupted when he rounded the last corner before the trees and collided with something small, green, and covered in scales. The impact forced him to stagger back, and he sucked in another sharp breath of pain when his bad leg absorbed his full body weight to keep him upright.
“Prince Bean?” Spike quickly picked himself off the ground and rushed to the Prince’s side. “I am so sorry! I didn’t even see you there! Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine,” he grunted through clenched teeth, his hoof rubbing away the pain in his chest. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”
“I gotta stop that pony!” he exclaimed with a frantic wave of his claws, and he was off again. “Excuse me!”
Bean hobbled after the small drake as best he could, but there was no way he was going to follow him up that tree, and he certainly wasn’t going to sprint up it, either.
“Oh, hey little guy.” A green pegasus with a chainsaw greeted the suddenly-there Spike. “Can I help you with something?”
“Do you have to do this right now?” Spike asked through watery eyes and a runny nose before letting loose with a fiery sneeze. “Oh, no! Are these dragon-sneeze trees?”
The horticultural pegasus was clearly confused, and he glanced to Baked Bean as if begging for an explanation. “Uh, yeah. These are too top-heavy. Wouldn’t take much to bring these beauties down.”
A gust of wind emphasized his point, pushing the tops of the trees into a dangerous tilt and drawing out strained groans from the wood.
Spike sniffled, his face contorting into odd shapes as he tried to control his allergies. “Can’t you just wait a few hours?”
“Sorry, it’s a public health hazard. I got my orders.” The pegasus shrugged.
“Why can’t he take care of these now, Spike?” Bean asked. “Celestia told me specifically that she wanted this taken care of as soon as possible.”
Spike grunted, groaned, and then let out a fierce sneeze that brought a flash of fire with it. “Can’t do it now because Princess Twilight says not to do it.”
“She did?” Bean asked.
“Uh, yeah. Like, just a few minutes ago, even.” Spike sniffled and rubbed his eyes, but the action obviously didn’t provide any relief for the burning.
“Well, I suppose these could wait for a few hours,” the tree-trimming pegasus said.
“Hold on a minute.” Bean held up a hoof, and he looked over the thick foliage of the tree before them. “Twilight knew that Celestia wanted these trimmed, and I didn’t think Twilight was the rebellious type. Why is she going against her mentor’s wishes?”
Spike didn’t answer the question. Even if he had, Bean wouldn’t have been able to hear it, since a nearby construction pony picked that exact moment to start jackhammering the nearby street.
“Aw, c’mon!” Spike’s groan of annoyance vibrated in time with the jackhammer, and faster than Bean could track, he was out of the tree and over to the construction. “Excuse me, sir! I really need you to stop—” the jackhammer stopped, but Spike kept shouting “—that right now! Oops.”
“Lemme guess. The noise, right?” the burly unicorn scoffed. “Sorry, but we can’t have a broken water main!”
Spike smacked his forehead. “You couldn’t have done this yesterday?!”
“Hey, pal, I’m just trying to make sure everything runs smooth for the summit!”
“Spike, could I borrow you for a moment?” Bean physically stepped between the unicorn and the dragon to prevent the situation from escalating further. He wrapped a foreleg around Spike’s shoulders, and with a forceful tug, he led the young assistant away from the scene. “Okay, what is going on? Why are you trying to stop these ponies from doing their jobs?”
Spike stumbled over his words for a moment, but then he sighed and his shoulders dejectedly slumped into defeat. “Princess Cadence wanted me to make sure Twilight got some sleep. She was so tired, she couldn’t even think straight, and I just wanted to help out.”
Bean started to reply, but then he stopped himself. He could see the desire to be useful reflecting in Spike’s eyes, but it was clear the young dragon wasn’t thinking the end results of his actions through. He was just trying to keep everything quiet, but if the trees and the water main remained as they were, they would soon have a much bigger problem than a sleepy princess. “So let’s figure this out together. Twilight needs quiet so she can sleep, right?”
“Right.”
“But the chainsaw and the jackhammer are obviously way too loud. Since we can’t move the trees or the water main, why don’t we try moving Twilight instead?”
Spike cocked his head to one side. “What do you mean?”
“There has to be another guest room that Twilight could use,” Bean clarified. “One away from all of the construction. Why don’t we check with Celestia, and see if another room is available?”
“But won’t we have to wake her up to move her?”
Bean nodded. “I’m sure she’ll understand why, especially if it means she can get some rest. Then these good ponies can get their jobs done,” Bean swept a hoof back towards the pegasus and the unicorn, “and the summit won’t experience any major disruptions. Can you imagine what would happen if that main broke, and the palace didn’t have any water?”
“Oo, yeah. That would be bad,” Spike agreed.
“Sergeant Clover Leaf?” Bean called over his shoulder.
“On my way, Sir,” Clover called out, and she took to the air.
Bean gave Spike what he hoped was a friendly, reassuring squeeze, then turned to face the idle workers. “Gentleponies, I apologize for the confusion and the delay. We’ll have this sorted out in just a moment, and then you can get back to work.”
The two nodded, then went back to chatting with one another.
“How much rest have you gotten lately, Spike?” Bean asked. “You must have worked a lot of long nights too, since you’re Twilight’s number one assistant.”
Spike positively beamed with the praise. “Well, not to brag or anything, but I have been super helpful. I wrote up and sent out all the invitations, and I helped Twilight work out the schedule for the speeches, and I helped her get the layout for the booths finalized.”
“Impressive,” Bean said with a grin. “And you’re not at all tired?”
“Nah, I’m used to Twilight’s late nights.” Spike scoffed, then twiddled his forefingers and gave the prince a sheepish grin. “But it would be nice to just kick back and relax after all of that hard work.”
Bean nodded. “You’ve certainly earned it, that’s for sure. I tell you what: once we get Sleeping Beauty’s accommodations taken care of, why don’t you head over to the masseuse parlor and get a massage? Celly made arrangements for the finest therapists in Canterlot to be here today as a treat for the delegates, and if I was in your position, I’d be a bundle of knots all over.”
“That does sound good,” Spike admitted. “But Cadence wanted me to make sure Twilight got some rest.”
“I’ll round up some guards and put them on watch outside her room until you get back.” Bean offered with a grin. “Nopony will disturb her, I promise.”
“I dunno…” Spike rubbed one arm with his claw and studied his toes.
“I think my husband is on to something,” Celestia’s voice announced, and in a flash of golden magic, she appeared before the two of them with Cadence in tow.
“Yup. That’s still awesome,” Bean murmured in delighted amazement.
“I, for one, have already set up a massage appointment for this evening,” Celestia went on with a pleasant smile. “But first things first. Sergeant Clover Leaf said something about Twilight needing another place to rest?”
“Yeah. These two fine stallions are trying to get their work done,” Bean said with a wave of a hoof to the unicorn and the pegasus workers, who both bowed when he pointed to them. “But our Princess is in yonder tower, and the ruckus will surely wake her up.”
“Indeed. Cadence, why don’t we move Twilight to her old room in the east wing? There should be no problem with noise on that side of the palace.”
Cadence nodded. “That should work. If I had realized the broken main was over here, I would have taken her there in the first place. Thank you for trying to keep the noise down, Spike.”
“Ah, it was nothing,” he said with a pleased grin.
Cadence smiled back, but then she tapped a hoof to her chin. “You know, I think there’s something else you could do for me while Twilight sleeps.”
“What?” Spike eagerly asked. “Name it, Princess Cadence, and I’m your dragon for the job!”
“Why don’t you help Prince Bean deal with any issues the delegates might have? There’s always problems that come up, no matter how well you plan. If you and Bean can do that, then the delegates won’t disturb Twilight.”
“You sure you want to do that?” Bean said with a wry grin. “That Prince Bean fellow is a bit sketchy, and his decision-making abilities have been in question over the past few months.”
“We’re dealing with delegates, not the nobility,” Celestia said with an annoyed snort that was clearly for said nuisances. “I believe you will be treated better today.”
Bean shrugged. “Well, if you insist, I suppose I try to handle it. Just don’t be too surprised if a mob of angry ponies shows up later to complain about my choices.”
“Oh, lemme tell you somethin’, alright?” an angry masculine voice interrupted the conversation. “I worked forever on this speech, and I know I have more—”
“Uh, hi?” Spike called out. “Can we help you?”
“Oh! Beggin’ your pardon, Your Highnesses,” an off-white mare in a winter trapper’s hat said, and she bowed with the broad tan stallion who was next to her. “We didn’t see ya there.”
“That’s quite all right, Miss Gustysnows,” Celestia replied. “What seems to be the trouble?”
“Well, my friend here, the distinguished pony from up Manehattan, and I are in a bit of a pickle, and we need Princess Twilight to resolve it. See, we’re both supposed to give speeches about our local economies in five minutes, and we’ve been booked in the same hall!”
“I had the room first,” the stallion quickly put in with a huff. “And let’s be honest, my speech is more important.”
“Point of order there, sir,” Miss Gustysnows shot back, “but I think you’ll find that my speech is the more important one, don’t’cha know.”
“I’m afraid Princess Twilight is currently engaged in other affairs and is unavailable at the moment,” Princess Celestia said, in a slightly louder than normal tone to keep the two from escalating their fight further. “But Prince Bean would be happy to sort out the issue for you.”
“Indeed I would,” Bean added. “Spike, could you get me a copy of the schedule for the halls? I’m sure we can find another empty space somewhere for one of these fine delegates so they don’t have to talk over each other.”
“Sure! I’ll be right back,” Spike said, and he took off running just as fast as his legs could carry him.
“I shall take care of the other problem at hoof,” Celestia said with a nuzzle for her husband. “You should get your leg looked at while Spike gets his massage. I don’t want it to get any worse. If you should need any further assistance from me after that, please let me know.”
“I will.”
* * ✹ * *
“Oh, yeah. That hit the spot.” Spike let out a small belch and rubbed his stomach with a contented sigh. “Thanks for the emerald salad, Prince Bean.”
“You’ll have to thank Chef Beet for that,” he said with a grin as they both entered the grand ballroom. “But I’ll pass along your kind words.”
“So, what do we do now?” Spike asked. “Just wait for ponies to come to us with a problem?”
“Pretty much,” Bean said with a glance back to his leg, which now felt much better after Horsenpfeffer’s impromptu physical therapy session. “I’ll probably just have to pick out a spot and stay there, though.”
“Ah! Prince Bean!” Fancy Pants’ voice cut through the crowd, and before Bean could properly reply, he rushed the royal and shook his hoof furiously. “So good to see you! I understand your leg has been giving you a spot of bother today, is that right?”
“It has been, but it’s getting better,” Bean replied. “What can I help you with?”
“Well, Your Highness, I understand Princess Twilight is indisposed at the moment, and I do have an important request. As host city, the Canterlot delegation feels that it should receive passes to every meeting and party, eh?”
“That doesn’t sound fair,” Spike murmured.
“You didn’t receive enough passes for your entire delegation?” Bean asked.
“Well, we did, but then a few more delegates were added to the retinue. You know how these things go, Your Highness. There’s always somepony who forgets to RSVP, what?”
“True, but to the best of my knowledge, all of the passes have been assigned,” Bean said. “I’ll check with my wife and get more for you. Do you know how many you need?”
“Only a dozen more, Your Highness,” Fancy Pants replied with a winning smile. “As I understand it, that should take care of our needs.”
Bean nodded with a grin. “Spike, can you send a message?”
“On it.” Spike already had a piece of parchment and quill in claw, and it only took him a moment to write and send the message along. Fancy Pants nodded to them both as Spike wrote, and with a cheerful tune, he trotted towards the delegate from Baltimare. “I still think that was unfair, though. Why should Canterlot get free passes to everything?”
“Because they’re hosting,” Bean answered. “The host city always gets a few added benefits.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.”
Bean gave the dragon a playful nudge. “I had to sit through hours of meetings on all of this, so I’m glad I remembered. It’s easy to make a decision based on your first gut feeling, but it really pays to get as many facts and details as you can. If we had told Fancy Pants no, the delegates would have gotten upset and complained. They’re a lot like restaurant patrons, in a way: they expect a certain level of service for their money, and we’re here to provide it to them.”
“Huh. I never would have thought of it that way.”
“Trust me, it’s better you learn it this way. The School of Hard Knocks has teachers that have absolutely no mercy, the lesson plans beat you into submission and swipe your loose change while they’re at it, and the cafeteria food is really, really bad.”
Spike snickered. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Prince Bean!” a sky-blue pony with a wispy white mane practically fell at Bean’s feet with a loud sob. “Oh, it’s horrible! It’s awful! You’ve got to help me!”
“I’ll do what I can, Mister?”
“Fluffy Clouds, Sire,” he sniffled.
“So what’s with all the hubbub, bub?” Bean asked with a snicker for his rather clever wordplay.
“Oh, it’s just the most horrible thing! I was really looking forward to the “Don’t Spend All Your Bits” speech, but when I went in the hall,” he hesitated for just a moment and began to tear up, “a pony had taken my seat, a pony who used to be my friend!”
“Your friend took your seat?” Spike scoffed. “Big deal! Why don’t you just—”
“No offence,” Fluffy Clouds interrupted “but I don’t need some random dragon’s opinion. I want to know what Prince Bean has to say.”
“Prince Bean sayeth that the random dragon was on the right track,” Bean replied. “No friendship should end over a seat. I’d just forgive him and move on, if I were you.”
“Oh, of course!” Fluffy Clouds let out a gasp of joy. “You’re so wise, Your Highness!”
“Much as I want to take credit for the idea, Spike here was the one with the suggestion.”
“Thank you, little dragon!” Fluffy said with a broad smile.
“Eh, don’t mention it,” Spike smirked and rubbed the tips of his claw on his chest.
“I can’t believe Grandpa Gruff made me come with you,” Gallus grumbled for the fifteenth time in as many minutes.
“It’s your own fault, you know,” Gwedolyn replied. “‘Oh, Gruff! I hate the aerie! I want to get out and see the world! I feel like a chicken in a coop here!’”
“This isn’t any better,” he grumbled. “I’m stuck inside, acting as your personal valet. I can think of a hundred different things I’d rather be doing.”
“You could try to make the best of this,” Gwendolyn pointed out as they moved towards the refreshments table. “You wanna get away from the aerie and make a name for yourself? Take a look around. These ponies could teach you a thing or two, like it or not.”
Gallus scoffed, rolled his eyes, and folded his arms to complete the dismissive trifecta. “Right. What could these lame ponies have for… me…”
Gallus’ eyes went wide, and he lost the ability to speak as a broad, muscular pegasus emerged from the crowd in front of him. Clad in the golden armor of the Royal Guard and shining with all the brilliancy of the midday sun, she flashed the young griffon a broad smile when her eyes found his. A halo of light flared around her as she moved towards him in slow motion, and everything outside of that halo became fuzzy and distant. Somewhere in the background, a saxophone began to play a sultry tune, and Gallus swallowed hard as she slowly slunk her way over to him.
“Hello there.” Her deep contralto voice slid into his ear, swamped his brain, and sent a furious wave of tingles running through his entire body. “Who might you be?”
Gallus made some sort of grunting noise, since he had completely forgotten his name and how to speak.
“Ah, Gwendolyn!” Prince Bean called out, and in the periphery of his vision, Gallus saw a yellow hoof shake the offered claw. “I’m so glad you made it. And Mister Gallus! It’s an honor to see you again, too.”
“Uh huh, yeah, sure,” he dumbly replied, and he shook the offered hoof once without looking at it. His eyes refused to gaze upon anything but the pure white mare before him, and he drank in the lithe curves and powerful muscles that were hidden under her taut coat like a creature who had just found an oasis in the middle of the desert.
The distant sexy saxophone continued to play as Bean conversed with Gwendolyn, and Gallus didn’t hear a word of what the Prince was saying. The mare before him was absolutely, positively perfect in every way, and he wanted to burn the memory of her into his brain with a branding iron. The casual flick of her tail made his wings flare up, her slow blink to look at him made his heart hammer in his chest, and the small kiss she blew to him with puckered lips nearly made him melt on the spot.
“Glad to hear it!” Bean’s words finally made it through the romantic haze that surrounded the griffon, and with an epic amount of force, he forced his eyes to the Equestrian prince. “I hope you enjoy yourselves here at the summit. If you need anything, just find me or Sergeant Clover Leaf here, and we’d be happy to help you.”
“Anything at all,” Clover said in a slow, seductive tone, her focus completely on the infatuated griffon.
She bobbed her eyebrows once to him, let out the most perfect giggle that had ever been, and turned in one slow, smooth motion to her left. Gallus’ stare remained on her rear until she disappeared back into the crowd with the Prince, and for several long moments, there was nothing but silence.
Eventually, sound came back to Gallus’ ears, along with a claw waving in front of his eyes. “Uh, hello? Anygriff home? What are you gawking at?” Gwendolyn demanded.
“I want to join the Royal Guard,” he murmured.
“You want to what?” Gwendolyn glanced in the direction that Clover had gone, and a broad grin split her beak when her gaze came back to him. “Ha! You’re crushing on that guard, aren’t you?”
“I am not!” Gallus’ senses snapped back with the accusation, and he quickly pulled himself together. “I...I just think my future is in the guard, that’s all.”
“You want to flirt with the prince’s bodyguard!” Gwendolyn cackled. “Flirterer!”
“Don’t be stupid. She’s probably old enough to be my mother,” Gallus snorted before wheeling himself away from her and folding his arms tightly. “I just… I like the armor.”
“Armor. Sure,” Gwendolyn said in a highly disbelieving tone and with a laugh. “Deny it all you want, but you’ve got it bad.”
“I don’t have anything.”
Gwendolyn playfully smacked him in the chest with the back of a claw. “C’mon. Maybe we’ll run into her again if we go stand by the band. The saxophonist might serenade you two again, if you ask him nicely.”
“Hold it.” Bean glanced down to Spike, but his shrug indicated he could offer no help. “I don’t think I understood your question, sir. Could you run it by me again?”
“Keek, yer highness, this isnae that pernicketie,” the orange stallion in front of him huffed. “A’ve lost mah schedule o’ events, ‘n’ ah juist need ye tae tell me whaur th’ fair ponies fae Appleoosa ur haudin’ thair modern farmin’ panel at.”
Bean stood there for a moment, the gears in his brain grinding furiously against each other as he tried to figure out what this highlands pony was saying.
“If ye dinnae ken, ye kin juist say it. Ye dinnae need tae staun thare, keekin lik’ an eejit aboot it.”
“I swear those aren’t real words,” Bean muttered.
“Good afternoon, Lord MacGuffin!” Princess Luna emerged from the crowd, a broad smile on her face, and she took a moment to share a friendly hug with the delegate. “Sae guid tae see ye again. Is thare something ah kin hulp ye wi’?”
“Aye, ye kin teach th’ prince ‘ere howfur tae uise his lugs!” MacGuffin replied. “He’s git th’ goofiest keek oan his coupon that a’ve ever seen, bit a’ a’m asking fur is some speirins.”
Said Prince turned his full confusion to Luna, but she ignored him and nodded in understanding. “Aye, but forgive him. He haes nae learned th’ perfect leid yit, ‘n’ ah haven’t hud th’ time tae properly teach him. A’m feart he does nae ken whit ye’r saying. It’s a pity that he does nae comprehend yer request, bit he wull git better in time.”
“He doesn’t git oot muckle, does he? Ye’ll hae tae teach him howfur tae speak properly. He’ll ne’er accomplish anythin’ if he cannae blether tae ithers. Yi’ll need tae wirk oan his accent, tae. Tis sae thick, ah cannae ken a word he’s saying.”
“Dae nae worry,” Luna said in a reassuring tone as Bean desperately tried to figure out what the two of them were saying to each other. “Ah will git him trained in na time. Noo, whit dae yi’ll need a hawn wi’?”
“A’m waantin’ tae ken whaur th’ modern farmin’ panel is bein’ held at,” MacGuffin said, a slight note of exasperation in his words.
“Ah! tis bein’ held in th’ upper loaby, room fifty twa. Ah hawp it wull stairt in fifteen minutes. Dae yi’ll need anither schedule?”
“Aye, lass, If ye kin hain yin.”
Luna nodded, and her magic summoned another tri-folded copy of the summit’s itinerary for the Lord. “‘Ere ye gang. Is thare anythin’ else yi’ll need?”
“Na, that wis it,” MacGuffin said with a grin. “Ta, princess! whin this summit is ower, ye ‘n’ ah shuid sit doon ‘n’ blether sometime.”
“That soonds barry. Ah will be in titch.”
MacGuffin nodded to Prince Bean, gave Luna another hug, and then cheerfully trotted away.
“Such a delightful stallion,” Luna said to herself with a satisfied sigh before turning to Bean. “And what are you staring at?”
“You understood what he was saying?” Bean replied. “How did you understand what he was saying?”
“Did you forget my husband was from the Highlands?” Luna chuckled. “I quickly learned how to switch between ‘regular’ Equestrian and the distinct lilt of the Shetlands when I married Star Struck. It was I who gave my daughter the nickname of wee rascal, after all.”
“She usually slipped when she was in private,” Celestia added from behind Bean, and her wing swiftly draped over him as she kissed his cheek. “She and Star would have long discussions with each other that nopony else could understand.”
“And here I thought the Appleoosa accent was bad.” Bean shook his head but offered a small smile. “Is everything okay?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” Celestia said. “How is your leg? Did Doctor Horsenpfeffer look at it?”
“The Doc worked on it a bit, and it’s feeling a lot better now. Spike and I have pretty much stayed right here.”
“Good. Luna and I were on our way to meet with the delegates from Trottingham to discuss the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration, so I thought I would check on you first.”
“I appreciate that. We’re good, right Spike?”
“Piece of cake,” Spike replied with a grin. “We’re just setting ‘em up and knocking ‘em down.”
“I’ll leave you to it, then.” Celestia giggled and gave Bean another kiss. “Keep up the good work.”
“Sir!” Sergeant Clover gave Bean a quick salute, but the deep frown on her face set him on edge.
“Yes, Sergeant? What’s up?”
“Security just picked up this colt over in the Royal Library,” Clover said, her head jerking backwards towards Sergeant Pokey and Corporal Quillpoint. “We thought you’d like to say ‘hello’ while we summon his parents.”
“Colt? What colt? Wait. You don’t mean—”
“Bucket headed lap dog!” A diminutive voice roared with all the fury of a petulant child. “Release me or suffer!”
“Oh. Him.” Bean groaned, and the furious blue colt who was held aloft in Quill’s magic was dropped on the floor in front of him. “Hello, Flint. It’s been awhile. How’s it going?”
The furious former dragon king sneered at the Prince. “Shove it! I have nothing to say to you!”
“Heya Flint,” Spike added with a shrug and a wave.
“Welp.” Flint added in a terse but strangely not unkind tone.
“Oh, I’m doing okay, thanks for asking,” Bean offered. “My leg is acting up a little, but it’s nothing too bad.”
“It’s a shame you weren’t killed on impact,” Flint snarled. “It would have saved me the inconvenience of disposing of you later. Nothing more useless than a lame horse.”
The insult stung a little, but Bean had a retort at the ready. “Or a dull potato peeler. Still on that vengeance kick, are we?”
“Eternally.” Flint’s burning amber eyes reflected his indomitable determination, and if looks could kill, he would have burned a hole through Bean’s midsection by now. “My purpose is as clear as ever, ‘Prince.’ I will mold this meat sack of a body into an alicorn breaking machine that would make that ape-faced puke of a titan’s power seem like a tickle. Stay out of my way when my time comes and I may graciously pass you over.”
Bean shook his head slowly from side to side and drew in a long breath. “So, what were you doing in the library, dare I ask?”
“None of your bleedin’ business!”
“He was caught trying to break into the restricted section,” Quillpoint offered, and the diminutive lord responded to the treachery with a hiss.
“Really? You don’t strike me as the bookworm type, Mister Hearthstone. I don’t suppose you’d like to tell me what forbidden tome you were trying to liberate for some light reading, would you?”
Flint was hesitant to answer. It was clear that he didn’t want to divulge any information to the husband of his sworn enemy, but after a moment, he held his head a bit higher, his stubborn pride on full display. “Fine. I’ll let you fools have a glimpse of your own doom, since you insist upon it. When I was defeated by the Two Nags of Equestria, my former body was left to rot out on some unknown edge of the world. Your nauseating wife would have recorded where it is.”
“You want to go find your old dragon body?” Bean glanced to Spike, then back to the defiant Flint. “What good would that do? It’s bound to be nothing more than bones now, and even those have probably turned back into calcium after all this time.”
Flint gave Bean a condescending, prideful grin. “Like I’d tell you! Now tell me where it is!”
“Why in the world would I know? I wasn’t there.”
Flint snorted. “Surely she told you about her many battles.”
“No, not really. She doesn’t like to talk about the more violent parts of her history. Besides, these days the only things she wants to talk about—other than meetings—is what color to paint the nursery and where to put the diaper changing table.”
“Both of those things sound vile.”
“Meetings? Yes. But you might think differently when you’re a fath—”
Flint bared his teeth and let out a low, feral growl. “Finish that sentence. I dare you.”
Bean grinned. “Oh, c’mon. Once you have your vengeance, what are you going to do with the rest of your life? You’ve got to start thinking about things like this.”
The fanatic colt shook his head in disappointment. “You ponies never think big enough, Highness. My designs are mine alone, but it would be in your best interests to not interfere. When my day of reckoning comes, I will pour out my wrath on any who dared to oppose me. I will reclaim what is mine, by any means necessary.”
“Flint!” A frantic mare’s voice rang out, and a bright blue mare with a short purple mane surged out of the crowd. With one swift move, she snatched Flint up and then pulled him into a tight embrace. “Don’t you ever wander off again, young colt! I was so worried about you! Your father and I have been tearing Canterlot apart!”
“Hello again, Missus Cozy Homes,” Bean offered. “Nice to see you.”
“I am so, so sorry about this, Your Highness,” Cozy replied with a quick dip of her head. “He was right next to me, but then I took a minute to look over a display, and he was gone! I promise, he won’t bother you again.”
“Ma’am,” Quill interrupted, “your son was apprehended while trying to access a restricted area. This is in violation of—”
“Yes, yes,” Cozy cut him off before he could really get going. “I assume the first court date will be next tuesday, right? We’ll be there for the hearing.”
Bean felt a twinge of pity deep in his chest for this poor mother. It would be one thing if Flint Hearthstone was a normal troublemaking colt, but since he was the former fearsome Lord Xedranen, his unwillingness to listen—or to play by rules other than his own—well, Bean could only begin to imagine how much Cozy had dealt with in Flint’s short lifetime as a pony. The mere fact that she automatically knew when his first court date would be was proof enough of how much he’d pushed the boundaries already.
“C’mon, Flint,” Cozy said in a weary, exasperated tone. Her foreleg pulled him into her side, but her grip was so loose that he could break free with a bare minimum of effort, if he chose to. “We need to go find your father.”
“One moment, please,” Bean called out, and Cozy slowly turned to face him, the deep lines in the corners of her eyes growing deeper with her defeated frown. “Look, why don’t we say this was all just one big misunderstanding and let the whole thing drop.”
“Don’t you dare give me your pity!” Flint barked. “I have no use for generosity. It’s a weakness that cripples your kind.”
“I’m not offering this to you, Flint,” Bean said with a hard glare. “I’m offering it to your mother. She needs all the kindness and generosity she can get.”
“Your Highness, I appreciate your offer, but—” Cozy started, but she was cut off by Bean’s raised hoof.
“No buts. I hereby grant him a pardon, for your sake. The whole thing never happened. Please, go back to the summit and enjoy yourself. If you’d like, I’m sure the guards will be happy to keep an eye on Flint while you take care of your duties.”
Bean smiled as Cozy’s body visibly relaxed, and the smile deepened when he saw Flint’s gaze flick up to his mother’s face. This one little act had clearly touched him, and Bean was sure that he was trying to figure out why such a simple thing had resulted in such a dramatic shift in emotion from his pony mother.
Perhaps there was hope for the little psychopathic dragon lord, after all.
Cozy offered one last bow and “Thank you” to Bean before walking away with her son, but Spike was the first to offer his thoughts once they were out of earshot. “Geez, and I thought Garble was bad news. What was all that about bones? And bodies? I know Flint is...Flint, but I had no idea about any of that.”
“It’s a very long and colorful story that I am sure he would be happy to regale you with in vivid and profane ways. But he’s not all bad. It’s buried deep in him—probably about as deep as you can get—but he does have some compassion in him. Did you see how he reacted to his mother’s relief? A very small part of him realized that he’d hurt her, and he felt guilty for it. He’d deny it from now until the end of time, but it was there for just the briefest of moments.”
“Why do you think he’s trying to find his bones?”
“I wish I knew, but it must play into his plans for revenge. I’ll have to tell the princesses about this later, when we get a moment in private. It makes me wonder, though…”
Spike’s gaze remained on the path that Flint had taken in his retreat for a moment before moving back to Bean. “Wonder what?”
“I can’t be sure, but I think he’s still hoarding.”
“He is?”
Bean nodded. “Yeah. He’s hoarding his anger, just like he did before. You, of all creatures, know how dragons like to hold on to things, but usually it’s something physical, like gems or gold. His desires to hold on to his anger, his misery, and his vengeance are just part of his inner nature. He can’t get enough of it, really. He has to have more, but he’ll never have his fill. He’ll just keep hoarding and hoarding those things until he finds something else that’s more important to keep.”
Spike swallowed hard. “Do you think something like that could happen to me?”
Bean patted Spike’s back with a reassuring smile. “It could happen to any creature, really. Even I could go off the deep end, abuse my relationship with Celestia to get what I want, and generally act like a tyrant as I steal as much political power as possible. But I don’t think you or I have to worry. Unlike Flint, we both have friends who care about us, friends who warn us if we start to slip. I bet you’d much rather hoard their friendship, above anything else. Especially the unique friendship you share with Twilight,” he added with a wink.
“Yeah, I think you’re right.” Spike said with a grin.
“Just remember what’s really important, and you’ll be fine. Now, why don’t we go say hello to the ponies at the Salt Lick booth? I think I’ll get in some sort of trouble if I don’t.” He licked his lips. “And they probably have snacks.”
* * ✹ * *
“So, you did decide to show up,” Pokey said with a deep frown.
“I told you I would,” Chrysalis said with a smug grin. “Sergeant Clover Leaf, nice to see you.”
Clover gave the queen a terse nod. “How are you, Chrysalis?”
“On my best behavior,” she proudly announced. “I haven’t caused one problem all day long! You should be proud of me, Pokey-wokey.”
“Why are you here, then?” Clover asked.
“Do you really think I want to spend all day, every day, cooped up in Pokey’s house?” she said with a small gasp. “Us bugs need some fresh air too, you know. Besides, I greatly enjoyed the Modern Governance Issues symposium that was put on by the Vanhoover ponies. I’ve got so many wonderful new ideas to inflict—I mean, experiment with on my hive!”
“Better them than us,” Clover muttered. “Glad to hear it, I suppose.”
“So, when do you get off, Pokey-wokey?” Chrysalis purred as she slunk over to her guard and rubbed herself against his armored side. “I think you and I should go out and celebrate my good behavior, don’t you?”
“Not for another four or five hours,” he replied with a long suffering sigh. “You’re going to have to party without me.”
Chrysalis sat in front of him, pouted, and batted her eyelashes at him over her glasses. “But what good is a party without you? Besides, Trigger always gives me the evil eye when I go to the Phoenix Fire alone. I need a chaperone to keep me safe.”
“You’ll just have to wait,” Pokey replied in a forceful tone. “I’ve got to get back to Prince Bean. Excuse me.”
Chrysalis let out a little huff and stomped a forehoof as Pokey pushed past her. “You can’t run from me forever, you know!”
“You’re freeloading in my house,” he called back. “Of course I can’t!”
Chrysalis growled a little with his retort, but her mind went to work on devising a solution. She needed to do something to get Pokey away from this boring summit, but what could she do that would just bring him, and not half of the guard?
Her ear flicked to focus in on the distant sound of a chainsaw, and out of curiosity, she followed the noise until coming to the source just outside one of the side entrances. A green pegasus was busily trimming large branches from the nearby trees into smaller ones, but the flowers that were scattered among the downed leaves gave her an idea.
“Excuse me!” she shouted, and the pegasus quickly turned the chainsaw off. “What are you doing?”
“Ah, just trimming up the dragon-sneeze trees,” he replied with a grin. “Just about done, too, and not a moment too soon.”
Chrysalis grinned. “Can I take some of these flowers?”
The pegasus shrugged. “Knock yourself out. They’re just going to go into the mulch pile for later anyway.”
“Psst! Hey, dragon!”
“Huh?” Spike turned around, and one of his eyebrows slid upward when he caught sight of the multihued mare who was beckoning to him. “Are you talking to me?”
“No, I’m talking to that dragon next to you,” the mare snapped. “Yes, you! Get over here!”
“All right, all right. No need to be pushy about it,” he said as he moved to her. “What do you need?”
“Look, I have an urgent flower delivery for Princess Twilight, but everypony keeps telling me she can’t be bothered right now,” the mare said in a frantic tone, and she produced a large bouquet filled with vibrant red and yellow blossoms. “I don’t want to lose my job over this. Can you give them to her for me?”
Spike took a step back. “Nuh uh, no way! Those are dragon sneeze flowers!”
“Please?!” the mare hissed. “Just be quick about it, and you’ll be fine.”
“Who is giving Princess Twilight—”
“Just do it!” The mare shoved the bouquet into Spike’s arms, and before he could protest, she was gone.
Spike quickly held the bundle of allergens away from him and he took off in a quick jog. It was just about time for the unveiling of the Citizens of Equestria statue, so maybe she needed these as part of that. Whatever the reason, he just wanted to get rid of them before they forced him into another sneezing fit.
“May I have your attention, please?” Celestia’s voice boomed out. “We are about to unveil the Statue! Could I please have everypony come to the main stage?”
“No, no, no!” Spike groaned as a wall of ponies suddenly appeared in front him, and he danced around to find an opening while his eyes began to water. “Excuse me! Number one assistant here, with an urgent delivery for Princess Twilight!”
It was at times like these that Spike wished he had a pair of wings, just like every other dragon that he’d met. He made a mad dash for the right flank of the crowd, his nostrils burning with the desire to purge the irritation that had invaded, and he knew he didn’t have much time.
“Is everypony here?” Princess Cadence called out. “Good! It is my great honor to formally dedicate this statue, which each of you have contributed one gemstone for its creation. Like each stone, each city is unique, special, and when we combine all of the parts together, we end up with something great. Each of you—and the cities that you represent—make Equestria the magical, marvelous land that it is.”
Spike skidded around one pony, squeezed in between two others, and crawled under a third. The urge to sneeze was overwhelming, and he wasn’t going to be able to hold out for much longer.
“And so, I, Princess Cadence, dedicate this Citizens of Equestria statue to every pony who plays their part, no matter how big or how small!”
Cheers erupted from the crowd, and Spike let out a small whoop of joy as Twilight came into view. He put on an extra burst of speed, but just as he was about to rid himself of the torment, Baked Bean stepped in front of him.
The resulting impact took Bean off his hooves and shoved the bouquet right in Spike’s face. Unable to hold back the urge any longer, he stood and sucked in several halting breaths.
The resulting ball of fire that came with the sneeze hit the rounded base of the statue and knocked out the supporting gemstones. The whole thing collapsed to the tile floor with a loud crash, and the delegates gasped as the stones bounced and slid away from the impact site.
“Spike!” Twilight shouted over the stunned silence.
“It wasn’t my fault!” he protested. “Somepony told me to give you these flowers!”
A delighted cackle rang out in the hall, and Spike caught sight of the tail of the pushy mare just as she flounced out a back door. A groan of annoyance followed, and Sergeant Pokey began to curse under his breath as he gave chase.
“Catch me if you can, Pokey-poo!”
* * ✹ * *
Stars and sun above, when did she get to be so fast?
Sergeant Pokey’s wings tore the evening air into shreds as he pursued the destructive changeling. That infuriating bug had actually attacked the Princess Summit! It was the most foolhardy, the most idiodic thing she could possibly do, and yet she’d brazenly waltzed right into the middle of it and destroyed the Citizens of Equestria statue!
The corners of his mouth twitched upwards as her tail darted down a random alleyway in Canterlot’s downtown district. He really should have seen this coming, and a small part of him did enjoy the thrill of the chase.
He was going to make her pay for her insolence, once he caught her.
His wings locked into a sharp knife turn, and Chrysalis let out a whoop of delight when she felt his hooves grasp for her haunches. “C’mon, Pokey! Try to keep up!”
The queen darted left, but Pokey wasn’t able to match the move. Instead, he shot straight up, regained his bearings, and launched himself at the fleeing queen. His grin grew as the air ripped past his ears, and a high-pitched whistle rolled off his armor as he bore down for the kill.
Chrysalis was fast, but she wasn’t fast enough. Pokey tackled her at near terminal velocity, tumbled end over end down the cobblestone street with her in his grip, and ended the pursuit by pinning her against the side of a building with his forehooves on her shoulders.
“Not bad, my sweet babboo,” Chrysalis panted, but with a deep and satisfied smile.
“You actually had the gall to attack the summit!” he spat, his breaths just as ragged as hers.
“I told you not to underestimate me.” She bobbed her eyebrows, then dipped her head to give him a sultry look over her glasses. “I always have a plan, Pokey-poo. Besides, strictly speaking, I didn’t do anything. That little dragon was the one who destroyed the statue.”
“Because you gave him those flowers!”
Chrysalis scoffed. “Oh, please. The delegates will put it back together, and they’ll share some sickeningly sweet message about how the whole is made up of many individual parts with each other while they’re at it. There was no lasting damage done. In fact, I would dare to say that I did you ponies a favor. You wouldn’t have learned anything without me.”
“You are ridiculous. You know that?” Pokey shook his head, but his grin grew slightly. “What am I going to do with you?”
“How about you buy me a drink?” Chrysalis nodded to the sign that hung above their heads. “I don’t know about you, but I am positively parched.”
Pokey glanced up, and he snorted. “The Phoenix Fire. You attacked the princess summit just so you could get me to chase you into a bar?”
“It worked, didn’t it?” she cooed. “C’mon. Either you go get a drink in the name of protecting Equestria from a dire threat, or you can head back to the palace and fill out a mountain of paperwork that you know will be waiting because of what happened. What will you choose, I wonder?”
Pokey grunted, rolled his eyes, and then shook his head as he released Chrysalis. “Fine, but for the record, I caught you.”
“Sure. You go ahead and think that, if it makes you feel better.” Chrysalis flicked her tail across his face, then swung her hips as she sashayed through the front door of Trigger’s tavern.
“I loathe you,” Pokey muttered.
“I loathe you too, my sweet babboo,” Chrysalis called back.
The Castle of The Two Sisters was not a place that any pony went to willingly, and that fact was doubly true for Princess Luna. There were too many foul memories of betrayal there, to say nothing of the life she had lived with her own dear husband and child.
Yet now she stood at the old rostrum that had once been the very center of her Kingdom, looking down upon the ruin with a calm, impassive stare. She was expecting company, and her guests were never late.
Hooffalls began to thunder down a distant hallway, and Luna’s expression turned grim. It was time for justice to be served, and she would ensure that it would be poured out in full measure and without mercy.
A small orb of blue smoke materialized behind her, and she refused to look at the creature. “Greetings, Tantabus. I am ready. Do your worst!”
The tantabus wasted no time. It surged to life, with thick black tendrils that lashed out and surrounded the lunar princess in a sphere of pure pitch. Dark magics flooded the hall as Luna cried out in painful agony, but she deserved neither mercy nor relief.
Luna felt the evil pour into her body, corrupting her mind and corroding her soul back to the monster that she had once been. Despite the exquisite pains, a cackle of wicked delight rose from her chest as her teeth deformed and twisted into fangs. This was a power she had loved and nurtured for over a thousand years, fueled by jealousy and hate and strengthened by sisterly affronts and cold rejection.
The ponies of Equestria were fools to believe that she could ever fully turn away from this dark power. It was her, and the all-consuming hatred would never be sated. Her sister’s precious ponies wanted a princess, but they would have a Queen, dark but beautiful, as terrible as the tempestuous sea, and stronger than the foundations of the earth! Her glorious night would last forever, and all would love her and despair!
“Luna? What are ya doin’, lass?”
Nightmare Moon let out a gasp when the speaker stepped into the moonlight. A dark grey stallion looked over the damage that had been wrought in the great hall, but when his golden eyes met hers, she couldn’t breathe.
“Star?” she whispered.
“Lass?” he asked back. “What… what have you done?”
Nightmare Moon quickly regained control of herself, and she flashed a wide, devious grin. “You know what I am doing, dear husband. I will no longer hide in the shadows! It is time for the ponies of Equestria to bow to me!”
“Bow to ya?” he asked, but then he shook his head in disappointment. “Ah see. It’s never been enough, has it? The ponies will love you, an’ only you. Your jealousy has no bounds, does it?”
“I am taking what I deserve!” she roared. “I am a Princess of Equestria, and I will be treated as such! My sister speaks of equality, but it is mere lip service! She fears me, and the power that I wield! I will no longer be repressed, and I will show her who is meant to rule!”
“An’ then?” he asked. “Once you have secured your place at the head of Equestria, what will you do then?”
Nightmare Moon chuckled darkly. “Then the ponies of Equestria will love me, of course. For too long they have been blinded by my Sister and her infernal sun. I will show them that I am not the lesser light. My night shall reign forth in splendor, and we shall preside over it all!”
“We?”
“Yes!” Emboldened by her husband’s question, Nightmare Moon moved down to his level as she continued. “Think of it! No longer will we be subject to the whims and machinations of my sister! You and I will guide Equestria into a glorious future, an Equestria that will be the envy of the world! Join me, my Star! Together, we can—”
Nightmare Moon’s words were cut off when her hoof made contact with a large, immovable object. Her eyes flicked down, and her horn lit to cast the obstruction aside.
The thought left her when she saw what had prevented her forward motion. The broken body of Celestia lay in her way, a crumpled heap that was now nothing more than a cold, lifeless shell. Her multihued mane had been violently ripped from her scalp in large patches, and what dull remnants that had remained attached were now tinged and splotched in the crimson of her own blood. Her once majestic horn had been snapped off and cast to some unseen corner of the hall, and in her eyes, though they were now cloudy and unblinking, Nightmare Moon could see the exquisite pain that had racked every last inch of her before the final breath.
But that was not what stopped the nocturnal tyrant. Huddled against the broken body of the former solar princess was a small lavender filly, who was weeping in a fearful tone, as if she was trying to hide and was worried about being found. A nub of a horn peeked out from her purple bangs, and a small speck of magic sparked, then winked away into nothingness when it touched the downed Princess.
“Twilight?” Nightmare Moon’s voice was no more than a whisper.
“Ma?” Twilight Starbright’s bright violet eyes locked on to the glowing draconic eyes of her corrupted mother. “What have ya done? Why did ya kill Aunt Celestia?”
“No! I did not… I mean, it was…” Nightmare Moon fumbled furiously over her words. “I did not mean for this to happen. I just wanted her ponies to love me, too.”
“Aye, Lass. They’ll love ya.” Star Struck’s tone cut the Nightmare to her core. “They dunna have a choice now, do they?”
“We can fix this.” Nightmare Moon stumbled back a step, her eyes unable to break away from the soul-crushing disappointment that was in her daughter’s eyes. “There must be a spell I can use to reverse this. I am the Princess of the Night! I command the very heavens!”
“Aye, that you do,” Twilight said. “But that power comes with a cost.”
“No!” Nightmare Moon gasped, then tripped over herself. Before her very eyes, rusty chains and fetters snaked up from the ground, binding her cherished husband and precious child. Blood oozed from rough cuts as their necks were forced into submission by large iron collars, and barbed bits with spiked bridles were added to ensure they would submit to their new queen’s commands. “No, this is not what I wanted! You are to rule with me!”
“Your vanity and your pride make that impossible,” Star said from around the cruel barbed bit in his mouth. “You said it yourself; there can be only one ruler in Equestria. Since you have chosen to force that love by fear, then even Twilight and I must bow in terrified reverence to your glory.”
“No,” Nightmare Moon whispered in dumbstruck shock. “Not this. Anything but this.”
“It was your choice, Ma,” Twilight shot back as the world began to twist and deform into odd angles and patterns. “Your choice. Your choice…”
Luna bolted upright with a screech, and for several long moments, she sat in her bed, trying desperately to get her breathing back under control. That nightmare had been one of the fiercest and most vile that the tantabus had ever created, but Luna clung to the details of it just as tightly as she was clinging to her bedsheets. Large tears poured down the fine hairs on her cheeks, and with a shuddering gasp, she bowed her head in shame.
“It was my choice,” she murmured. “I alone chose the Nightmare.”
Her self pity cut off abruptly when an unexpected noise startled her, and without thinking, her magic flung the source across the room and into the far wall of her chambers. The sounds of a collapsing bookcase followed, but the cacophony did not help to lessen her panic.
“Who goes there?” she called out as her horn lit and illuminated the room. At first, there was no response, but it only took a moment for Luna to find a collapsed bookcase on the other side of her bedroom that had been crushed into splinters and had dumped a pile of smoldering books on the floor with its final breath.
For a moment, the princess thought that maybe, just maybe, she had only imagined hearing something.
That thought died a vicious death when the pile moved ever-so slightly, and a groan came from underneath.
“Who goes there?!” screeched Luna, her horn lighting up as she prepared her most devastating spell. “Come out at once, or face my wrath!”
The pile of shredded and mangled books shifted again, and a hoof emerged, which strangely enough bore the dented sheen of a Royal Guard armored boot.
Luna’s eyes tracked to the open doorway, noted the missing guard outside her room, and then she looked back at the slow movements underneath what once had been her poetry collection.
Realization struck, although probably not as hard as she had struck the guard upon waking.
She used her magic to gently close the door, grateful that the guard was still alive but completely at a loss at what to say when he emerged. To gain some thinking time, she quickly dropped several more books on the pile, then reversed her actions when the groaning grew louder. After all, he was alive, which was far better than dead. For both of them.
Him particularly, but her too.
She moved cautiously over to the shifting book pile and began the guard extraction process, trying her best to keep her comments to herself. After a few moments, her rescue efforts bore fruit, and a slightly damaged guard was revealed. Flattened, but still breathing, and thankfully appearing that his protective armor had absorbed most of the damage.
“Who art thou, and why hast thou intruded upon my sanctuary?” Luna demanded.
“Corporal Larkspur, ma’am.” The grounded guard saluted, then winced in pain. “Second Squad, Seventh Troop, Third Company of the Household Regiment. I was on watch outside when I heard a commotion, and I thought it best to investigate, ma’am.”
“Oh.” Luna hesitated for a moment, but then turned and slipped her hooves into the waiting set of comfortable and fuzzy bunny slippers that were by her bed. It was a comforting gesture for his eyes only, since her hammering heartbeat had only slowed slightly, and the effort of keeping up a false front of confidence was beginning to wear on her patience. “We appreciate your concern, Corporal, but as you can see, there is nothing amiss. You may return to your post.”
Corporal Larkspur didn’t move. Instead, he glanced around the room, as if expecting some unseen assailant to emerge from a hidden vantage point.
“That is enough!” snapped Luna. “Return to your post!”
“As you command, Your Highness.” Larkspur began to move to the door, obviously trying and failing to conceal a limp and with the intent look of concentration that indicated he was trying to figure out just how he was going to explain this event to his superiors in the morning.
“I had an unpleasant dream,” Luna quickly said. There was no reason for this guard to get into trouble on her account; he was just doing his duty, after all. “What you heard was a cry of alarm as I awoke.”
“The Nightmare, Your Highness?” asked Larkspur, then cringed slightly beneath his dented armor.
“A nightmare,” clarified Luna in sharp, precise words. “Even your Princess of the Night struggles with dark images during slumber.”
Corporal Larkspur nodded. “I can’t even begin to fathom what you’ve seen, Your Highness.”
Luna shook her head and forced a chuckle, producing a silver robe with her magic and covering her withers to conceal an involuntary tremor. Unfortunately, she was unable to control her tendency to ramble under pressure, and she kept talking. “Of course, it is no surprise that this day should be especially bad, since it is the anniversary of my Star Struck’s death. It is strange that, even after a thousand years, the ache of his loss has never fully left.”
For some reason, the guard hesitated as if he had been struck again, and it was several moments before he replied in a much lower and slower fashion. “It is understandable, Your Highness. True Love leaves an indelible mark upon the heart, and when a loved one is lost, a part of your heart goes with them.”
“Indeed. Not that he ever had to experience such a loss.” Luna snorted. “Our daughter lived a full thirty years after his demise, and his wife... well, obviously he never had to worry about losing me to old age. He did fret and worry whenever I led my troops into battle, though.” Some of the lingering cloud of gloom lifted with the words, and she could not help but grin a little as the memories came flooding back. “Especially when I led the airborne squadrons. He couldn’t keep me safe when I was in the sky, but he hid his concern with a lot of grumbling and upset remarks. He was always happier when my hooves were on the ground.”
Larkspur nodded but said nothing.
“Dragons were the worst,” Luna went on. “They were nothing more than armored, fire-spewing monsters who cared for naught but their glittering treasures. Occasionally, we could reason with one or two of them, but more often than not, Celestia and I had to beat what little sense we could into those thick skulls of theirs with force. You should have seen how Star fussed over me after our crusade against the self-proclaimed ‘king’ of the dragons, Lord Xedranen. That foul creature could have removed one of my legs, if he had chosen to. Why he did not, I will never know.” Luna glanced at her right rear leg and shook it slightly. “It took a full year for the compound fractures to mend completely, but Star was by my side the entire time. I do not recall using my magic at any point during that time, either, since Star would fetch anything I needed or wanted without hesitation.”
Corporal Larkspur nodded again but said nothing. For some reason, his silent presence encouraged her to continue with secrets that she had not told another living soul since her banishment, excluding Baked Bean. It was catharsis for her own actions and seemed to reassure her guard in the process, after all.
“Of course, we had several heated arguments during that time. He believed I had been reckless and foolhardy, and that my injuries could have been avoided entirely. He never understood that to throw our guards at that foul beast would have been a suicide mission that would have accomplished nothing.” Luna chuckled and shook her head. “Of course, his pride bristled at the insinuation that his legionnaires were somehow less than capable, and he had to have satisfaction on the matter. Deep down, though, I know he was deeply disturbed by the fact that I was nearly killed, and that he had been powerless to do anything about it. Greater emphasis was given to pegasus training after that, and he even worked on some hairbrained scheme to create some sort of ‘bat pony’ for a time. The concept was both simple and novel: he wanted to give an elite, hoof-picked regiment superior attack capabilities to assist me in my nocturnal quests to defeat the literal, real-life nightmares that existed at that time.”
Corporal Larkspur looked surprised and interested, so Luna continued with her explanation. “If he could have worked his way, this regiment would have been endowed with enhanced nighttime vision and the ability to use echolocation to isolate and hone in on potential targets with enlarged ears. He even drew up some concept art of what they would look like, but was rather put out when I told him they looked more like fluffy, adorable cats than threatening bat-themed warriors, especially with the little tufts of fur on their ears and cute little fangs.” Luna giggled at the memory, then frowned. “But I refused to allow his project to go any further when I found he wanted to somehow completely remove the feathered wings from any pegasus guards and replace them with bat wings, so their flying would be silent and undetectable. To ask any of my little ponies to undergo such a barbaric, obscene disfigurement was beyond the pale, to say nothing of the amount of magical power such a transformation would take. He was displeased with my decision, but he accepted it in the end and never spoke of the matter again.”
Luna took a breath and considered the tight-lipped expression on the guard, indicating he thought one of his legs was being rather impolitely tugged. “It is the truth,” she admitted. “Verily, I did not dare admit even unto him that such a tribe of ponies really existed within the dark recesses of our lands. Where Star Struck had taken rumors and tried to make reality from them, he never considered just where such rumors originated. Sometimes I wonder about the tribe in these modern days, if they still remain in hiding, or if their numbers have dwindled to nothing over the years.”
Looking out the window at the star-strewn night, Luna heaved a deep breath. “I did such a disservice to their kind back then. I suspect our reluctance to search for them is drawn mostly from my fear that they will still remember my transgressions against them when I was inflamed with rage.”
“When...” Larkspur coughed into a hoof and stopped, only to continue at Luna’s encouraging nod. “When we are angry, we say things we don’t mean. It can be painful to apologize for your actions, but it can be an even worse pain if you cannot. I’d... seek them out,” he finished in a rush.
“Advice from the heart is seldom wrong,” mused Luna. “The idea has merit, and I shall accept your advice.”
“Just like that?” asked Larkspur, seemingly startled.
“A wise ruler listens,” said Luna. “Just as I listened to many good ideas put forth by my husband over the years. ‘Twas his idea to build the Castle of the Two Sisters in the strategic location that it is, and the outer walls were never breached by any invading army,” Luna said with pride. “He also worked tirelessly with Princess Platinum, Commander Hurricane, and Chancellor Puddinghead to ensure the united tribes of Equestria stayed united. He was relentless in advocating the cause of equality, and many of the old animosities that had existed were destroyed by his eloquent treatises on the matter. I dread to think of where we would be without his efforts.”
“...we avoided the marshes after that,” Luna said with a satisfied laugh. “He smelled like moss for months.”
Corporal Larkspur chuckled and nodded. “I can see why, Your Highness.”
“I suppose it was all for the best. We did discover the beneficial uses of peat because of what happened. I doubt he would want to be remembered as—”
Luna’s words abruptly cut off, and her head snapped to the vibrant hues of the budding dawn that was framed perfectly in her balcony windows. “Good night in the day! How long have I been prattling along?!”
“Oh, for about the last six hours, roughly,” Larkspur said with a shrug.
“Why didst thou not stop mine ramblings?” Luna snorted, her magic flaring as it yanked the moon down violently below the horizon. “‘Tis little wonder my throat is so dry.”
“I was enjoying your stories.” Larkspur shrugged again, but then stood with a faint smile. “Usually, I just get to stare at a wall. This was much better.”
“I am convinced thou had better things to do with thine time,” Luna muttered. “Thine superiors will be looking for you.”
“That much is true,” Larkspur said as he stood. “The next watch is about to take their stations, and they’ll go into panic mode if I’m not out there.”
“Wait,” Luna called out as Larkspur began to leave, and he paused to look over his shoulder. “You have endured my ramblings, and… well, it was nice to talk to somepony during this difficult time. I shall grant unto you a boon for your willingness to endure my long-winded tales.”
“A what?” Larkspur asked.
“I believe the modern term is ‘I owe you one,’” Luna clarified.
“Ah. Well, since you’re offering, there is something you could do for me.”
“Name it, and I shall grant your request.”
* * ✹ * *
The next time I grant a boon, I shall insist on certain restrictions.
Luna’s head drooped slightly as she followed Corporal Larkspur down one of Canterlot’s many side streets, and she tried not to notice the multitude of eyes watching her path. The corporal’s request was benign enough, but Luna’s stomach had gone straight to internal tornado when he had included the details.
“I’d like for you to come home with me tonight, Princess. We don’t need to take your carriage or anything, you can just follow me. I live close by.”
What was Larkspur playing at? Her mind tumbled and tossed about ideas in rapid succession, and most of them were centered on the possibility that—
Well, that this guard might have romantic intents upon her royal self.
She wanted to deny the idea, to dismiss it as outlandishly impossible. The Royal Guard was far more professional than that, and none of the loyal members of that detail would dare to debase themselves in such a way. There would be severe consequences for any inappropriate behavior, to say nothing of the social condemnation that would come upon him and his household, should he want to—
No. She refused to finish the thought. There had to be another reason for his request.
“Here we are,” Larkspur called out. “It’s not much, but it’s home. Watch your head, Your Highness. The door wasn’t designed for alicorns.”
Luna ducked as she entered the modest home, and the weight of her anxieties lessened slightly. The corporal’s home was clean and tidy, and the furnishings were in good repair.
“It’s about time you got home! We’ve been waiting for you.”
Luna’s panic kicked into high gear, and she nearly bolted through the closed door behind her as Larkspur planted a kiss on the cheek of the unicorn mare who had just emerged from a back room.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” the corporal said. “I brought company with me.”
“Kids! Come see who’s here!” the unicorn called out as she dipped into a curtsey. “It’s a pleasure to have you here, Princess. Though I’m wondering how Lark managed to get you to come,” she added with a withering glare for him.
“Holy Celestia, it’s Princess Luna!” a small voice shrieked, and before Luna could figure out what was going on, three small fillies of various sizes emerged from the woodwork and nearly tackled her. “You brought her here! I can’t believe it!”
The overlapping voices and screams of joy made it impossible to hear what the bundles of barely contained energy were saying. Luna had no idea of what to say, so she simply nodded and stammered a bit as two of them ran circles around her.
Luna loved children, but she had never dealt with so many of them at the same time before, and especially this many with this much energy.
“All right!” the unicorn mare shouted over the din. “How about we let the Princess come in, and then you can bombard her with questions?”
“Your Highness, this is Mint Julep.” Larkspur pointed to the unicorn, who nodded. “The three miniature monsters are Marigold, Constance, and Tumbleweed.”
“Greetings, young ones,” Luna offered with a small grin that she feared looked more like a grimace. “It is a pleasure to meet all of you.”
“All right!” Mint clapped her hooves together. “I want you all to clear a path and let the Princess in! Tumble, make sure all of your toys are picked up so she doesn’t trip on anything, and Marigold, please do something with your hair things! Hop, hop, hop!”
The rock in Luna’s gut grew into a boulder as the three foals dispersed. She felt guilty for even thinking that Larkspur had any sort of ill intent, and she worried about how his wife felt about this impromptu visit. Her stern demeanor gave off the impression that she was displeased with Larkspur, and her next words only added to that.
“You know, you could have warned me that the Princess, of all ponies, was coming home. I would have cleaned up and made some refreshments.”
“Kind of a spur of the moment thing,” Larkspur said with a shrug. “Didn’t really have time to tell you. Could you play hostess for a bit while I get my armor off? And bend out a few dents?”
“Shower too. You smell like smoke,” Mint ordered, and she turned to the Princess as he moved into the back of the house. “Your Highness, I apologize if that lughead has inconvenienced you in any way. The kids have been wanting to meet you ever since they found out he could be one of your guards, but I didn’t think he was serious when he said he’d introduce us to you. I know you’re busy with your duties, and if you need to leave, we’d understand.”
Luna shook her head. “I have no plans for this morning, Miss Julep. It would be an honor to be your guest.”
“Well, that’s very kind of you. Can I get you something to drink? I can make some iced tea really quick, if you’d like.”
“That would be wonderful, thank you,” Luna replied before gasping when something tugged on the end of her mane.
“Princess Luna?” The cream colored filly held up a small rag doll with a grin. “This is Missus Pepperbottom. She says it’s very nice to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine, Missus Pepperbottom,” Luna offered with a grin. “And it is nice to meet you, Marigold. How old are you?”
“Seven, but I’m gonna be eight in a couple of months. Is that thing around your neck heavy?”
Luna chuckled. “Not at all. In fact, it is so light that I forget I am wearing it sometimes.”
“Why do you wear it?” Tumbleweed asked as she cleared the sofa in a single bound. “I think it looks kinda silly.”
“Perhaps, but it is tradition.”
“Your crown is for the unicorns, your pe… peh… pay tall is for earth ponies and the shoes are for the pegasusus,” Tumbleweed cut in with a roll of her eyes and a roll of her body along the cushions of the couch. “My teacher, Mister Table, told us all about it for, like, a whole hour! We even had to take a test about it!”
“Those history lessons are important, young one. You would do well to listen.”
“Yeah, I know. I really like the stories about how you beat up the barbarians! Bop! Pow!” Tumbleweed flung herself off the couch and crash landed on the floor. “They never knew what hit them! Can you show me how you did it? I wanna be just as tough as you are when I’m all grown up.”
“I suspect your mother would be displeased if I did,” Luna said with a quick wink for Mint, who had just walked into the room with two glasses of iced tea trailing behind in her magic.
“You get into enough fights in school already,” Mint said with a sigh and a huff. “I’m sorry, Your Highness. These two just can’t control themselves.”
“There is no harm done, Mint Julep.” Luna took the offered iced tea and sipped. “Foals at that age are so full of wonder and excitement, it is hard for them to keep it all contained.”
“So, how did Lark trick you into coming here? It had to have been something rather devious,” Mint said as she sat next to Luna.
“Corporal Larkspur is blameless. I may have—” Luna cleared her throat “—detained him unnecessarily, and I offered a boon to him to ‘pay him back.’ This was his selection.”
“I see. So I need to thump him twice as hard for being underhoofed about it.” Mint shook her head.
“I apologize if my presence has caused any sort of undue strain upon your relationship. It was never my intent to be an imposition.”
“Oh, you’re no trouble at all, Princess. Just unexpected, that’s all.”
“Princess, look at this!” Marigold announced, and she shoved a toy train in Luna’s face. “Isn’t it pretty? I got it for my birthday!”
“She could see it better if you didn’t try to put it right in her eye.” Mint pushed the train away, but Marigold was undeterred.
“I’m gonna ask for some passenger cars for Hearth’s Warming. Then I can get a bunch of tracks, and have them run all over the house! Mom said she’ll even let me run it in the kitchen!”
“My goodness,” Luna said. “Such ambitious plans! I do hope you’ll clean them up when you’re done playing with them.”
“Wanna see the timetables I came up with?” Marigold asked, but she took off in a gallop before Luna could answer. “Be right back!”
“Marigold likes trains, if you couldn’t tell,” Mint said with a chuckle. “Tumbleweed likes anything that gets her dirty or a new bruise. That kid gives me a heart attack anytime she gets near a set of monkey bars.”
Luna smirked, but then her eyes moved to the blue filly in the corner. “And what of your quiet and bashful daughter in the corner?”
“Constance? Oh, she’s not my daughter. At least, not officially.”
Luna’s heart leapt into her neck and began to pound furiously. “She is not?”
“Wait. Do you think that Larkspur and I are…”
“Married?” Luna finished hesitantly.
Mint laughed in a good-natured way. “Lark is my older brother, so no. We’re not.”
“Oh.”
“I can see why you thought that,” Mint went on. “Tumble and Marigold are mine from a rather messy divorce, and Constance is Lark’s. I moved in with him to help raise her when Patience died.”
Luna’s anxious feelings began to waltz with the remorse that had just shown up inside her. “I’m so sorry to hear that. I offer my deepest condolences.”
“That’s very kind, thank you.”
“May I be impertinent and ask what happened?”
“Oh, it was an accident.” Mint shrugged. “Happened ten years ago today, in fact. I hope you’ll forgive me, but I’d really rather not talk about it, especially with Constance here.”
“I understand completely. I have no desire to intrude upon such a sensitive subject.” Luna took another sip of her iced tea. “Tell me, does Larkspur speak to anypony about the matter? Losing a loved one at any age is difficult, but to lose your beloved in the early years of matrimony is an especially sharp and depressing pain.”
Mint shook her head and sighed. “No. He’s bottled it all up inside, since it hurt him so badly. He never talks about it, not even with me.”
“I know how that feels.” Luna watched Constance for a moment, who was sitting in the corner by herself with a box of crayons and a piece of paper. The filly seemed small for her age, and in her eyes, Luna could see a great well of repressed sadness, confusion, and despair. “How has it affected Constance?”
Mint drew in a deep, heavy breath. “I wish I knew, to be honest. She shies away and retreats into herself whenever the subject comes up. It’s especially bad around this time of year, since it’s the anniversary of the death. I think, deep down, she wants to talk about it, but she has no idea how to, since her father doesn’t want to discuss it. It’s almost like… well, like Lark took every memory of Patience and locked them away in his heart.”
Luna’s heart lurched in her chest for the aching filly. There was no nightmare that the tantabus could ever concoct that would match what Constance was living through.
“Tumble!” Mint shouted, and before Luna could recover from the surprise shout, she was on her hooves and charging towards the kitchen. “What have I told you about getting into the pantry?!”
“But I was just gonna make some Bore Derves for Princess Luna!” Tumble whined.
“Excuse me.” Mint quickly tossed the apology in the Princess’ general direction before she took a flying dive towards her daughter. “Tumble, you put that horseradish back right now, or so help me!”
“Mom! I wasn’t going to burn it!”
Luna chuckled, and her attention went back to Constance. With a small sigh and a lopsided smile, she stood and cautiously approached the shrinking violet. At first, Constance was visibly alarmed, and she quickly pulled her effects out of the princess’ way. The panic subsided and gave way to a small curiosity when Luna laid down and offered a soft smile.
“I don’t believe we’ve been introduced,” Luna gently offered. “Do I have the honor of addressing the lady Constance?”
“Um, hello, Princess Luna,” Constance replied, her eyes on something on the far side of the room.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you were coloring. May I join you?”
This caught the filly’s attention, and her eyes met Luna’s. “You want to color with me?”
“If I may. Though I must confess, I am not much of an artist. Perhaps you can show me how you do it?”
Constance sniffled, and her eyes went to the ground as she pulled out the crayons and paper again. Another paper was produced from an unseen hiding place, and Luna thanked her before looking over the selection of colors.
“My goodness.” Luna tapped her hoof on her chin. “I did not realize you had such a variety! How many crayons do you have?”
“This is the hundred and twenty count box,” Constance said, the corners of her mouth twitching up. “I got it for Hearth’s Warming last year from Aunt Mint. Everypony in my class is super jealous, since they all only have the sixteen count boxes.”
“I know I am,” Luna said, her magic pulling a grey crayon from the box. “You even have the built-in sharpener! I have never had anything so fancy.”
“You should ask for your own on your birthday,” Constance offered. “I bet Princess Celestia would get you one, if you asked.”
“She might, but then I would have to hide it from her,” Luna whispered. “My sister likes to steal my things, but she claims she is simply borrowing them without permission.”
“I know,” Constance groaned with a heavy eye roll. “Marigold is always taking my stuff without asking. Mint says I need to share, and not to fight with her.”
“It is difficult not to fight. Even now, Princess Celestia and I will have… ‘disagreements’ about things.”
“Isn’t that why you became Nightmare Moon?”
The quiet words were like a thunderbolt, and it was all Luna could do to keep still and give a slow nod. “It is one reason,” she admitted while ever so slowly turning the crayon in the sharpener, watching the thin peel of wax spiral away. “But the Nightmare also showed me how much I really love my sister, and how much she loves me. If I remember that, then whatever happened between us can be fixed.”
“But what if they’re not really my sisters? Aunt Mint isn’t my mom. She—” Constance stalled, but instead of finishing her thought, she focused on her coloring.
Luna said nothing for a few moments, and a peaceful silence would have prevailed, if Mint Julep wasn’t actively trying to stop Tumbleweed’s attempts at refreshment creation. The din died out some when the young troublemaker agreed to assistance, and when it did, the Princess spoke up.
“You miss your mother a great deal, do you not?”
Constance nodded. “I wish she was still here. She died when I was little, so I don’t really remember much about her.”
“And your father does not wish to discuss the topic, does he?”
Constance shook her head. “He blames himself. Anytime anypony talks about her, he’ll get all mopey and mad sometimes.”
Luna nodded and pulled the apricot crayon from the box. “I did the same thing when my husband died.”
“You were married?”
“A great many years ago, yes. His passing was another reason why I became Nightmare Moon.” Luna replaced the apricot crayon and selected razzmatazz in its stead. “I will always miss him, but I have found that the more I talk about him, the better I feel. Perhaps that would work for your father as well?”
“I dunno. It might help him, if he’d actually talk. But what can you do? If he won’t even talk to me, or to Aunt Mint…”
Luna gave Constance a knowing grin. “I have my ways. I make you this promise, Constance: one way or another, I will get your father to release his feelings.”
Constance leaned back slightly and gave her a wary look. “You’re not going to kiss him, are you? Kissing is icky.”
Luna laughed, and she had to admit to herself that it felt good to do so. “No, most certainly not. But there may be some crying,” she admitted. “He will need some very strong support from his family. It is a heavy responsibility for one so young.”
“Not as heavy as raising the moon, I bet.”
Luna shrugged. “You will find that there are many things that are both more and less difficult than we imagined them to be. We get through them with the help of our friends. It is a lesson I had forgotten until Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends reminded me. You—” she touched the filly on the nose with her own “—have many friends and family to help.”
Constance grinned. “Including you?”
“Yes.” Luna turned her paper to Constance, and the grin grew larger when she saw that Luna was drawing a picture of her. “Including me.”
* * ✹ * *
Corporal Larkspur hesitantly pushed the door to Princess Luna’s bedroom open, and his eyes swept over the scene. After the impromptu flight lesson and demolition derby during yesterday’s demonstration of Luna’s magical power, he was willing to exercise a bit more caution, no matter how loud and destructive things sounded within.
“Princess Luna?” he called out on a loud voice as he entered. “Are you all right? I heard a noise, and—”
“Good. You’re here.” Luna’s magic pulled back the heavy curtains of her balcony windows, allowing the room to flood with sunlight.
It took a moment for Larkspur’s eyes to adjust, but once they did, he found the Princess sitting at a low tea table set for two. A silver teapot and a tray of cookies awaited between the settings, and Luna motioned to a cushion as her magic began to pour the tea.
“Please, have a seat,” Luna said. “I hope you like sencha. The cookies just came out of the oven, so be careful.”
“What is all this, Your Highness?” Larkspur asked as he sat.
Luna floated a teacup to him. “It is your turn to talk, and mine to listen. Please tell me about your wife.”
“This has to be some sort of mistake.” Chrysalis flipped the golden ticket over several times, checking each side. “Maybe that mind melting magic I crammed into that Bean’s empty skull finally hit Sunbutt. Or there’s some other Queen Chrysalis living in Canterlot that this was supposed to go to.”
The deep scowl on Pokey’s face indicated he had also tried and failed to find some other sane explanation, and his growled words only confirmed it. “No, it was meant for you. I checked with Trixie first, then double-checked with Wysteria in case it was some sort of sick joke. It’s not. That’s a real ticket. For you.”
“So, you’re saying that Sunbutt wants me to attend the Grand Galloping Gala?” Chrysalis said. “Me, the one who impersonated her niece, brainwashed her nephew-in-law, besieged and attacked her city, bested her in singular combat, stole her husband, artfully redecorated her palace, and wrecked her summit?”
“You don’t have to sound so proud about it,” Pokey huffed.
“And why are you so grouchy?” Chrysalis slid the ticket back into the gilded envelope that it had come in, then moved over to her sour guard. “You taste like a pickled egg.”
“Because this means I have to go with you and be your foalsitter,” he stated flatly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Unless you were planning on inviting somepony else to go with you.”
“Hmm...” Chrysalis stuck her nose in the air and smirked. “The invitation says I can bring anypony I want to, and I’m sure Mandible would be honored to accompany his Queen to the most prestigious event in Canterlot. Or maybe I could ask Bob to be my escort. I’m sure he would love to meet Princess Celestia again.”
Pokey raised one eyebrow, which was something that he’d been practicing lately. “Bob? I hope he brings a dustpan and an urn.”
“That would liven up the evening, now wouldn’t it?” Chrysalis purred. “If I’m feeling especially nice, I could invite Hazelnut. She’s been much kinder to me than anypony else in this whole wretched city.”
“Hazel hates formal events,” Pokey said with a thin grin. “She’d much rather stay at home with Mister Barky Von Schnauzer.”
“And how do you know this, exactly?”
“Oh, she’s told me exactly how she feels about such things, in no uncertain terms and for hours on end. You know as well as I do that Hazel will gladly share her opinion on any topic imaginable, wether you want her to or not.”
Chrysalis paused in thought. “Okay, so I won’t invite her. But I could still haul one of my drones to the Gala. If I could sneak in two or three others, we could collect quite the cache of emotions for the hive.”
“You know, you really shouldn’t verbalize your nefarious schemes while I’m within earshot,” Pokey noted. “But I’ll be sure to inform Captain Armor of your intentions. I’m sure he’d love to hear all about it.”
“Fine, no drones,” Chrysalis huffed. “They’d just be underhoof anyway, and I don’t want them telling the whole hive about my—” her colorful wings gave an involuntary flutter “—totally minor and inconsequential chromatic issue. I guess I’ll just have to invite you, my delicious Pokey.”
“Lucky me.”
Chrysalis grinned in delight. “You know this means I will need to find something to wear, of course. There was a nice gown at a boutique I saw the other day; I wonder if it’s still there. You’d like it, my sweet babboo. It’s supposed to make you look just like a princess, so just imagine how luscious it would make me.”
“Well, it could hardly make you any worse,” Pokey said, but then he grinned. “Unless, of course, it somehow clashes with your chitin. We could use the resulting mess of color as a camouflage in the guard.”
“You’re a real riot, you know that?” Chrysalis snorted. “Just you wait, Pokey. I’ll show you.”
* * ✹ * *
Princess Celestia, Eternal Mare of the Morn, was really beginning to hate that title.
She had no personal problems with dawn, of course, since she was the one who had defined when dawn was for over a thousand years. But her little ponies were dependent on routines, and nothing was more routine than the raising of the sun. When it happened on time, everypony thought nothing of it and went about their daily activities, with maybe a few token thanks shared between them for Celestia’s continued dedication and willingness to perform her duties.
If the sun were ever late, for whatever reason, however…
A quick perusal of Twilight Sparkle’s Panicked Letters to Princess Celestia, In Regards to the Delay of Day, Volumes 1-3 in the archives was a fair representation of how Equestria reacted in general.
So, it was with that thought that the Bringer of Day dragged herself, almost literally, through the large, ornate doors and on to her balcony. For some unknown reason, her breath smelled like week-old mushroom soup, and one hoof poked at the massive knot of a mane that was perched on her head.
“I certainly hope you sleep better once you are born,” Celestia muttered to her stomach, but one corner of her mouth twitched upwards when Nilla replied with an enthusiastic kick that made the surface of her belly ripple. “It’s impossible to get any rest with you thrashing around in there. Maybe your Aunt Luna will consider swapping for the sun for a time, and I could take the moon.”
“I would not count on that, sister,” Luna’s voice drifted down just before she alighted on the balcony. “I still do not like hives, nor do I want to be responsible for that big ball of hot air. I think I am still missing a few secondary feathers from the last time I brought it up.”
“Please?” Celestia whined, but Luna shook her head while lighting her horn.
“Nay, Sister. The sun is yours to tend. I also would not count on Nilla sleeping more when she arrives. If anything, she will sleep less, and it will be accompanied with random, inconvenient moments of The Royal Canterlot Scream.”
“I know, but I can hope, right?” Celestia said as the sun and moon swapped positions in the sky.
“You do have Bean to help,” Luna noted with a grin. “Doubtless, he will do all within his power to tend to your foal, and thus let you rest. I am sure Banana Split will be willing to care for Nilla as well, if need be.” She paused for a moment. “Except for nursing, I suppose. You will be on your own for that.”
“Horsenpfeffer did recommend a nice pump, so Bean could help out,” Celestia yawned deeply. “How was your night?”
“Quite informative, actually,” Luna said, her eyes flicking towards her own chambers. “Oh, but I shall need a new bookcase as soon as one can be provided. There was a… slight incident the day before yesterday, and mine was damaged.”
“Really? How did that happen?”
“An unexpected surprise,” Luna said with a smirk. “One of Our guards feared for my safety, and found that I am more than capable of defending myself.”
“Oh.” Celestia paused for a moment in thought. “Corporal Larkspur, isn’t it? Is he injured?”
“Yes,” Luna said in a thoughtful tone, although there was something in her sister’s expression that Celestia had not seen in ages. It was just a glimpse of Luna's inner turmoil being calmed, then her little sister straightened up her face and continued. “But I assure you that said injuries are being tended to by the most qualified of ponies.”
“Good. The Corporal has been a loyal servant to the crown for many years, but I have always thought that there was something holding him back.” Celestia shook her head slightly. “Please, make sure he receives everything he needs to heal.”
“That I will, Sister. But, the night has taxed my strength, and I am in need of rest. Until tonight, Celly.”
“Until tonight, Lulu.” Celestia gave her sister a hug with a grunt, then turned to look at her stomach. “And you! Settle down, little lady!”
Luna chuckled as she flew away, leaving Celestia to continue her argument with her rowdy child on her own. The Diarch of Day was not looking forward to Nilla’s inner tap dance rehearsal, but she would simply have to endure it as best she could for the time being. The Grand Galloping Gala was tonight, and there was much that still needed to be accomplished before the festivities began.
“Bean?” she called out as she entered her room. “I hope you’re awake. We need to meet with Trixie and make sure that the final items for tonight are taken care of.”
There was no reply, and Celestia’s wings ruffled in annoyance. If she had to rise for the dawn, then so should he, even if they had both stayed up late in an effort to cross off as many items from the preparation list for the Gala as possible. Besides, he had probably slept better than she had, and thus should have more energy than herself.
Before her grumbling thoughts could turn into a Bean hunt, her wayward husband walked into the room, with Trixie following behind him, her clipboard at the ready in her magic. He held a long, thin envelope in his hoof, but as soon as he saw her, he tossed the letter onto the nearby vanity table and gave his wife a smile.
“Morning, sweetie,” he said. “Ready to get started?”
“I am if you are,” she said, her previous displeasure melting away. “Good morning to you as well, Miss Lulamoon.”
“Your Highness.” Trixie dipped her head, then flipped a few sheets on her clipboard. “Miss Wysteria has gone over the itinerary and the preparation plans, and she sends her apologies for not being able to attend tonight. Between you and me, she looks like she’s at least twice as wide as she is tall now, and I bet her equilibrium is non-existent. If she had come, she would probably be mistaken as an entrant in Equestria’s Largest Honeydew Melon competition.”
“I could see that,” Bean said with a snicker, but then he withered under his wife’s intense glare.
“It’s not funny,” she said in a cold, firm tone. “Wysteria can’t help her size, and it is unfair to make light of her condition.”
“I take it all back, then.”
Celestia nodded. “Now, let us tend to the matter at hoof. Miss Lulamoon, may I see the plans?”
Trixie carefully levitated the single sheet of paper over to the Princess, then leaned away in case the pregnant alicorn who just so happened to play with the sun like it was a beach ball decided to unload more of her stored ire on the assistant secretary. “This is all that remains, Your Highness.”
Celestia glanced over the list with a thoughtful hum for a moment, but then her frown deepened into a scowl. “Bean, didn’t you confirm the menu with the caterers?”
“Two days ago,” he said, and he leaned over to look at the list. “Why?”
“This says that you have not,” she huffed. “And Wysteria is never wrong.”
“I swear I did,” he countered. “I met with Chef Beet and discussed the fruit basket centerpieces, Gustave LeGrande was eager to provide all of the eclairs we needed, Mulia Mild was on board with the your suggestion for mousse moose, and Donut Joe said he would recreate Donutopia in full. I signed off on all of the preparations and filed them in triplicate. Trixie and Wysteria should have a copy of the signed order.”
“I’m sorry, Prince Bean, but Trixie doesn’t have that paperwork,” Trixie said, her magic flipping through the pages on her clipboard.
“I swear I completed it!” Bean protested.
“Without the documentation, we have no proof,” Celestia chided. “I suggest you go and confirm the plans. If everything has been done as you have said, then simply have the caterers sign off on the documentation once more and then return the paperwork to me. This will prevent any further issues. You will need to hurry, since we are scheduled to meet with Sir Golden Hammer and Miss Saddles for the final fitting.”
“I turned the paperwork in. I know I did,” Bean grumbled, turning himself to the door with a resigned sigh. “I gave a copy to Minister Wise, a copy to the Central Planning Committee…”
“Well, while he takes care of that, let’s see what else remains,” Celestia casually went on. “Let’s see…”
* * ✹ * *
“You’re late.”
Bean lowered his head and spread his forelegs apart to help calm his rapid breathing. “Sorry,” he breathlessly said. “Gustave was busy finishing the final eclairs, and it took me forever to find Chef Beet. I have signed, sworn, and notarized statements from everypony for their parts in catering the Gala, and Sergeant Clover Leaf is helping Mulia bring in the mousse moose right now.”
“At least the issue has been taken care of.” Celestia sniffed, then turned to her left. “I think you’ve just learned a valuable lesson on seeing a task through to the very end, yes?”
“I turned in the paperwork.” He let out a nicker of annoyance and flicked his tail before pouting and plopping his rear on the floor. “I know I did.”
“What’s done is done. Now, let’s not keep Miss Saddles waiting any longer.”
“Who?” Bean asked, his steps in double time as he tried to keep up with his wife’s cadence down the hall.
“Miss Sassy Saddles, an employee of Lady Rarity’s. She was asked to complete any last-second alterations that we might need, since Rarity will be busy preparing for the Gala herself.”
“Oh. And after that?”
“Since you are tardy, by the time we finish with that it should be time for the Gala to begin,” Celestia said. “I do hope Luna will try to come this year. I haven’t spoken to her about it, but she did indicate that she might try.”
“It would be nice to see her there,” Bean agreed.
“So, why couldn’t I just wear my blue coat?” Bean asked, his hoof suspended in midair as Sassy Saddles hemmed his sleeve.
Celestia’s gaze wandered over her husband’s form, and her lips twitched up in appreciative approval. “Because I like how you look in red.”
Bean’s cheeks took on the same hue as his new vestments, and he dipped his head with an embarrassed smile. “Really?”
Celestia nodded. “It is very pleasing to my eye. Besides, I believe it is an unwritten rule that you cannot wear the same clothing to the Grand Galloping Gala more than once. Even though this is your first one, you need to make your entrance with something new.”
“Is that why you always have a new dress commissioned?” he asked, and she nodded. “Well, I admit the logic doesn’t make much sense to me, but I guess it’s all about flaunting what you have. The nobility and the upper-crust can afford to have new duds for each new social event, and I’m sure they want everypony to know it.”
“That is probably a large part of it,” Celestia agreed.
“Your dress looks quite nice, by the way. It’s very slimming,” Bean lied in that naive way that she appreciated so much.
“Of course it looks nice,” Sassy interjected with a smug grin. “Miss Rarity and I agonized over the colors and the pattern. It took me two weeks just to get the hems right!”
“Did you both work on Trixie’s dress as well?”
“Miss Lulamoon’s dress is my own design,” Sassy said with pride, “but I must say that she hardly gave me enough time to complete it. While it will be serviceable for tonight, I could have come up with something more elegant if she’d given me more warning. But, we have more important things to worry about now. That should just about do it,” Sassy announced with a tug of the thread to break it off. “Have a look.”
Bean turned as Celestia levitated the full-length mirror over to him, and he took several long moments to appreciate the look. Overall, the design was similar to Shining Armor’s normal outerwear, but with gold buttons that were offset to his right side and embossed with Celestia’s cutie mark. A golden belt wrapped around his barrel, and the trim of his collar matched to complete the look.
Of the two, Bean liked the look of his blue coat better, but this one was nice in its own way, too. Besides, he had learned enough to keep such heretical opinions to himself while in the company of Rarity, or any who might send word back to her.
A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, and he retreated a step as Golden Hammer entered the chamber with a sizeable box aloft in his magic. The Royal Jeweler paused for the briefest of moments for an equally brief bob of his head, but it was clear he was here to do his job as quickly as possible.
“Good afternoon, Sir Hammer,” Celestia greeted with an even tone and an even smile. “Would I be correct if I assumed you have completed my husband’s coronet?”
“Yes,” he said with a suspicious glance around the room. “Princess Cadence isn’t hiding somewhere, is she?”
Celestia’s grin grew devious. “Why, Sir Hammer! I did not realize that you were afraid of my niece.”
“I’m not afraid of her,” Golden Hammer replied, with a wary eye on Sassy Saddles. “But I come from a long line of bachelors, and she’s determined to see that streak come to an end. I refuse to let her work her matchmaking skills on me anymore.”
Celestia chuckled, but then she grew serious. “Rest assured, Sir Hammer, that Princess Cadence is not here. I received word earlier today that she and Shining Armor would not be able to attend today, due to a changeling sighting in the Crystal Empire.”
“That far north?” Bean asked. “I thought changelings hated the cold.”
“There is much we don’t know about them, and I doubt Chrysalis wants to fill in the gaps, so to speak,” Celestia said. “As it is, we must simply carry on and hope that this sighting amounts to nothing. Now, shall we proceed?”
“Your Highness,” Golden Hammer said with a proud smile. “Your coronet, as promised.”
He then produced an elegant ring of gold that came to six soft peaks, with intricate braiding along the edges and small, round heliodor beryls set into fittings at the tips. Under the stones, a detailed carving of the Equestrian sun stood proudly in what would otherwise be a blank space. Small rubies were set in even intervals in between the suns, and on the whole, Bean had to admit that the coronet was more refined than he could ever be.
“Princess?” Golden Hammer held the crown out towards her. “I believe you should be the one to officially crown our prince.”
Celestia smiled, and her magic took the offer. “I wholeheartedly agree. Baked Bean, please stand before me.”
Bean did so with a grin, which grew larger as Celestia gently placed the coronet on his head. Just as Golden Hammer had promised, the weight of it was remarkably light, and the fit was comfortable. He then turned to look himself over in the mirror again, and the grin grew into a full smile.
“I must say, this completes the appearance, Prince Bean,” Sassy commented. “You look the part now.”
“Indeed,” Celestia said. “My dear Prince has never looked better.”
Bean blushed from the tips of his ears on down, but he stepped in to hug his wife. “Thank you.”
* * ✹ * *
“Chrysalis?” Pokey called out as he fussed with the ends of his bowtie. “You’d better be ready. We’re already late.”
“Coming!” Chrysalis called down in a sing-song tone. “I hope you’re ready to have your shoes knocked off!”
“I’m not wearing… any…” Pokey started, but then he stopped. His mouth hung open as Chrysalis slowly descended the stairs into his front room, and for a moment, he forgot about the rest of reality.
The Queen of the Changelings was dressed in a slim dress of cool blues and purples, with the individual panels of the skirt sewn together in a way that evoked the image of a stained-glass window from the Crystal Empire. Several brilliantly blue sapphires and finely polished pearls were inlaid into the silk, placed so as to resemble a constellation that could be found in Luna’s evening sky. The bodice of the dress clung snugly to Chrysalis’ chest, with the hem cut into points that drew the eye upwards towards her face.
If this were the only thing that Pokey’s eyes had to enjoy, he might still be capable of speech. However, the Queen had pulled out another trick from her seemingly never ending supply bag, and as she slowly slunk over towards him, he tried to catch the words that were crashing around in his brain so he could organize them into a sensible sentence.
“Well?” Chrysalis spun once, then gave him a sultry look over her glasses. “Do you like?”
“Your chitin,” he softly said. “It’s black again.”
“So glad you noticed,” she said, a fang-filled smile coming to light. “I was going to smack you hard if you missed it.”
“How? Did the dye wear off?”
“No.” Her smile faltered for just a moment, but then it came back even brighter than before. “It took some time for me to perfect it, but I managed to figure out how to change each individual splotch. I’m not in my natural form right now, but a patchwork replica of what I once was.”
“You’re disguised,” started Pokey slowly, “as yourself. And you seriously think that you can just waltz into the Grand Galloping Gala like that?”
"Waltz, foxtrot, and mambo." Chrysalis’ eyebrows bobbed, and her magic grabbed the ends of his untied tie. “The invitation said Queen Chrysalis, so Queen Chrysalis will be attending. If you ponies have a problem with that, then I’ll make the best of the situation and snatch up all of the panic and confusion in the air. It’s not as potent as love, but it works in a pinch.”
Pokey wanted to offer some sort of statement to that, but nothing was forthcoming. Instead, he simply stood still as Chrysalis tied and straightened his bow tie.
“I used to do this for you all the time as Bluebelle,” Chrysalis said in a soft, thoughtful tone as she smoothed it with her hooves. “Do you remember our second date? You tried so hard to tie it yourself, but it was so lopsided that I had to redo it for you. There was no way I could keep my focus with that thing on the left side of your neck. It looked like a goiter.”
Pokey grunted, and the sharp bite of betrayal stung the inside of Chrysalis’ nose. “Too bad you were faking it the whole time.”
“I wasn’t faking all of it,” she replied, her hoof coming to rest on the center of his chest. “I mean, I was at first, but then you got past my defenses, somehow. You were the first one who voluntarily gave love to me, and…” She stalled out. “Nopony does that. Changelings have to steal love. We impersonate loved ones, family members, and cherished friends. We siphon away the love that should have been for another all in one shot, until the mark is completely drained, and then we move on. Personally, I like to leave a little love for later, but most of my little drones are too greedy to wait.
“But with you…” she hesitated again, then drew a deep breath. “I just couldn’t. It felt wrong. I felt… I felt guilty about stealing it,” she said, with extra effort to get that horrid g-word out. “Usually, I could stuff the feeling deep down, but then you started giving it to me on your own, and… ugh.” She snorted and turned her back to him. “Forget it. Let’s just go to this stupid party of yours and get this over with. I have a new crossword book to fill out.”
Pokey hesitated for just a moment, but then he moved to her side and offered her his hoof. “I’d be careful if I were you, Chrysalis. You keep saying stuff like that, and pretty soon creatures will start to think you’re going soft.”
“Don’t you dare say that word to me.” Chrysalis put her hoof on his muzzle, but her touch was as light as a feather. “Changelings don’t go soft. We just change strategies to confuse our victims from time to time.”
“You’ll have to explain how that works in more detail sometime.” Pokey opened his front door, and with a grin, he softly guided her out, feeling ever so slightly smug about bringing the most unusual guest to the Gala.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight greeted her mentor with a hug as she entered the hall, and the two shared matching smiles when the younger alicorn pulled back.
“Hello, Twilight,” Celestia replied. “It’s good to see you again. I love your dress!”
“Thank you!” Twilight twirled once to show off the whole ensemble with a proud grin. “Rarity never ceases to amaze. Your gown looks lovely, too. It’s very slimming.”
“It’s surprisingly supportive,” Celestia said, a hoof moving to her midsection. “Yet not too tight where it matters. I believe Nilla will be quite comfortable for the evening.”
“If you need me, I’ll be over here,” Bean quipped with a grin.
“Oh! Sorry,” Twilight said. “Hello to you, Bean. I see you finally got a proper coronet to wear?”
Bean glanced up to his new headwear. “I did. But I think I’ll just wear it for special occasions. I don’t want to break it, and I have a history of doing just that.”
Twilight giggled as the three of them entered the grand ballroom. “I don’t think you could even if you tried, if yours is anything like the one Sir Golden Hammer made for me. It’s a very nice coronet, too. It suits you.”
“Thank you,” Bean said with a pleased grin. “So, when do we get this party started?”
“It has already begun,” Celestia said, with a wave to the ponies who had arrived. “But the festivities will begin in earnest in about half an hour or so.”
“And we just sit back and watch, right?”
“I’m afraid so,” Celestia said with a sigh. “But perhaps we will be able to escape royal protocol for at least one dance together.”
“I’d like that.”
“I do want to thank you for taking care of the details for this year’s Gala, Twilight,” Celestia continued, her gaze moving to her former student. “It’s been nice to not have to worry about it.”
“Anything I can do to help, Princess.” Twilight beamed under the praise of her mentor. “I’m happy to do it.”
“Thank you from me as well,” Bean added. “Life has been stressful enough, what with Celestia being pregnant. I was worried that planning everything for the Gala might be too much for her.”
“Indeed,” Celestia said. “I am looking forward to just enjoying the Gala for once.”
The conversation was interrupted by a blast of fanfare from the main door, drawing everyone’s attention to the new arrival.
“Announcing Her Most Royal Highness…” the Royal Crier began, but he was promptly cut off by a loud hiss of annoyance.
“Majesty!” Chrysalis snarled, her fangs bared. “I am a queen, thank you very much! I insist you use the proper title!”
“Uh, right.” The Crier cleared his throat, then began again. “Announcing Her Most Royal Majesty, Queen Chrysalis, and her escort, Sergeant Hokey Pokey!”
“That’s better.” Chrysalis stuck her nose in the air over the gasps of alarm that came from the assembled guests, and she strode in with her self-assured confidence on display in every step. Hokey Pokey, for his part, had one hoof on his forehead, and though Bean couldn’t quite hear what he was muttering, he was sure the poor guard wasn’t saying anything flattering. Or repeatable in front of young ears.
“Chrysalis is here?!” Twilight went airborne, her horn flaring to life. “How did she get past the guards?!”
“With an invitation,” Celestia said with a nicker of annoyance.
“What? What idiot thought it would be a good idea to invite her?”
“Princess Cadence proposed the invitation and I approved it.” Celestia merely watched impassively as the changeling queen cheerfully waved to a small gaggle of shocked partygoers, then cackled as they cowered before her.
Ever so slowly, Twilight Sparkle descended back to the ground next to Princess Celestia and folded her wings back up, but a muscle in the corner of the young princess’s eye began to twitch. “That doesn’t make any sense!” she protested. “Why would Cadence want her to attend? Why did you go along with her?”
“Cadence insisted,” Celestia said. “I’m not sure why she was so adamant about it, though. All she would say was that Chrysalis needed a nudge, and that the Gala would provide it. I assume she was referring to the relationship between Sergeant Pokey and Chrysalis, so in the end, I asked the planning committee to send her an invitation.”
“Relationship?” Twilight’s eyes darted to the Royal Guard following Chrysalis, and she seemed to have problems swallowing for a moment before she continued with slightly less vehemence. “That’s… disturbing, but how do we know she won’t try to attack us?” Twilight asked. “Again.”
“We don’t,” Celestia flatly replied. “But if she does have something in mind, I doubt Pokey will let her execute it. Even if she does overpower him, we do have you and the other Elements of Harmony here to deal with the situation.”
“Well, I suppose she could stay. So long as she behaves herself,” Twilight muttered.
“I’m gonna go check on Luna,” Bean abruptly announced with a snort, and he was gone before anypony could reply.
“Bean didn’t like the idea either?” Twilight asked as the solar prince marched himself down the stairs and out a side door.
“He was quite adamantly against the notion,” Celestia said. “He was hoping that she would not show up. But I trust Cadence and her intuition, so I’m afraid I had to overrule him and his desires to have her arrested on sight, painted several shades of rainbow colors, and fired back to the changeling lands in a cannon.” Celestia rolled her eyes. "We don't have a cannon nearly large enough to use on a changeling of her caliber."
“I hope this doesn’t ruin the evening for him.”
“He’ll be fine,” Celestia reassured the young princess with a smile. “In fact, I believe he will forget all about Chrysalis once Discord gets here.”
“Wait.” The muscle at the corner of Twilight’s eye began to twitch again. “You invited Discord?!”
* * ✹ * *
“I don’t think Sunbutt and that Bean are happy to see me,” Chrysalis cackled, her magic filling a cup with berry punch. “Did you see how he stormed out? How terribly delightful. I do hope I ruin their evening.”
“You’re doing a fantastic job of ruining mine,” Pokey muttered.
“Oh, don’t pout, my Pokey-wokey. I promised to behave, and behave I shall. Besides, I’m sure they’ve got better things to worry about than little ol’ me.”
“That fills me with an indescribable feeling of relief.”
“Now now, my succulent centurion. I am a bug of my word, you must admit. If I say I will disrupt a summit, then I disrupt, but when I say I’ll behave, I do. Now quit pouting and let’s go try some of that moose mousse.”
Another proud fanfare rang out from the main entrance, and Chrysalis found her attention pulled to the sound. “Announcing the Lord of Chaos, Discord, and his guest—”
There was an awkward pause until the draconequus leaned down and whispered something in his ear.
“—The Smooze!”
Chrysalis soaked in the confusion—or, what she thought was confusion, since she had no idea what emotion would taste like a stick of wood—as a large green blob in a top hat and bow tie sloshed into the room. A dopey grin crossed its face—if sentient piles of goo had faces, that is—and the ponies nearest to the entrance either gasped, fainted, or beat a hasty retreat towards the back of the ballroom.
“What is that thing?” Pokey asked.
“I’m quite sure I don’t want to know,” Chrysalis replied, but she snickered when the pile of sludge slurped and squelched into the hall, leaving a trail of thick green mucus as it went. “But I kinda like it. It has a certain eldritch abomination vibe that’s rather endearing.”
“Great. That’s all we need,” Pokey grumped. “Discord better keep it under control.”
* * ✹ * *
“Stupid Chrysalis and her stupid stupidness,” Bean grumbled, his steps echoing loudly off the marble walls as he stomped down the empty hallway. “I don’t know why Celly said she could come. She’s just going to make a mess of everything, and then try to steal everyone’s love while we’re all busy dealing with whatever she did.”
“Sir?” Corporal Larkspur’s voice interrupted his fuming. “Is something wrong?”
“Yes, but no,” he huffed to the inquisitive guard. “Chrysalis decided to show up and disrupt everything.”
“She’s here?” Larkspur’s horn flared to life. “Just a moment, sir! I will summon the guards who aren’t occupied with the Gala, and—”
“Hold it!” Bean cut in before he could rush off. “She’s invited."
"Invited?! What idiot would invite—"
"Princess Celestia and Princess Cadence said it's fine," added Bean quickly through clenched teeth. "So far, she’s behaving. I don’t like her being here, but unless she attacks the Gala, Princess Celestia wants me to leave her alone.”
“But she tried to melt your brain!” Larkspur protested.
“I said the exact same thing,” Bean said with a chuckle. “But Princess Cadence has a ‘feeling,’ and Celestia says we need to trust her. So here we are.”
The corporal nodded, but his face showed that he was no more at peace with the idea of Chrysalis in the palace than Bean was. “It must be terribly awkward to have her in the same room with you, Sir.”
“That’s an understatement. Have you seen Princess Luna? I’ll feel safer if there are three alicorns to one changeling queen.”
“She hasn’t come out of her chambers, Sir,” Larkspur replied. “Would you like me to check for you?”
“No need,” Luna’s voice cut in. “I am here.”
Bean turned to his sister-in-law, and he took a moment to admire her gown. It was a sleek silk number in a dark royal purple, with silver trim along the hem of the skirt and a smattering of sequins along the bodice. The princess offered a slightly embarrassed smile as she unfurled her wings to show off her ensemble, and she held out one forehoof to show off her new silver shoes. “What do you think?”
“You look fantastic,” Bean said. “Did Rarity make this one for you as well?”
“She did. However, I fear her hard work will be for naught.”
“Why is that?”
Luna gave Bean a sad smile, and her gaze went to something on the ground by her rear hooves. “I do not think I will attend the Gala, Bean.”
“Because of Star?” Bean gently asked.
“That is part of it,” she slowly said. “But not the whole. I am… uncomfortable, if that is the right word, in situations like this.”
Bean wanted to reassure her, but he held back his comment. Luna was still sorting out her thoughts, and he could sense that he needed to let her get everything off her chest first before he said anything.
“‘Tis a silly thing, when one really thinks about it,” Luna said at length. “My greatest duty and delight is to help the little ponies of Equestria, but…” she stalled for another long moment. “Bean, I perform my duties under the cover of the night. I work amongst the shadows, rendering my aid to individuals in an unobtrusive manner and with a great degree of stealth. I know the ponies of Equestria have accepted me as their Princess, but I find it difficult to be among large groups of them. If I go down to that ballroom now, I will be thrust into the spotlight, as it were.
“It is also difficult for me to speak to others about the current trends of the day, for my tastes are still horribly outdated. I can lay down edicts, cast judgement in court, and defeat the most vile of nightmares, but I am at a loss when a pony asks me if I prefer the music of Countess Coloratura or Songbird Serenade. I do not wish to bore others with the details of running Equestria, but what else do I have to talk about?”
“So don’t speak,” Corporal Larkspur piped up, then shrunk back when two pairs of royal eyes met his. “Ma’am,” he added.
“Please, go on,” Luna prompted.
“Well, usually Princess Celestia just stands there and spends all night greeting ponies, Ma’am,” he went on in a slow, hesitant voice. “So just do the same thing.”
“I’ll chat with you, if you hang out by Celly and me,” Bean added. “Or, better yet, we’ll park Trixie next to you. She’s more than happy to tell anypony and everypony about her Great and Powerful exploits, so you wouldn’t have to say anything. Besides, there’s bound to be a pony in that ballroom who likes something you like. A historian, maybe, or just a pony who prefers classical music over modern pop songs.”
Luna looked unconvinced. “Perhaps, but I still have my doubts.”
“You’ll never know unless you try, Ma’am,” Larkspur said. “Carpe Noctem.”
“Indeed.” Luna smiled slightly, and she took a step towards the guard. “But there yet remains one obstacle: I do not have an escort. It would be most uncouth if I were to attend without one. Celestia has already claimed Prince Bean, so who could I ask on such short notice?”
Larkspur’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates, and he retreated away from the situation until his rump hit the far wall. “Wait! That’s… against regulations. Isn’t it?” he asked weakly.
“Queen Chrysalis has a Royal Guard as an escort,” mused Bean out loud. “Approved by two princesses, so it must be acceptable.”
“But it’s a bad idea, right Sir?” added Larkspur with his rump pressed firmly against the corridor wall. “What would the nobility say?”
“They will be jealous,” said Luna with the beginnings of a vulpine smile. “Rumors will be spread. Perhaps we should consider making some of them true.”
Bean skated sideways until his rump found the edge of a doorway. “I’ll just leave you two alone,” he managed before fleeing.
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean froze in the doorway to the grand ballroom, and for several long moments, he tried to process what he was seeing.
The effort did not provide any answers, but it did provide a singular sight that he would have never imagined on his own. He stepped to one side as a small stampede of ponies rushed past him, but the green blob monster that had been following them decided not to continue its pursuit. Instead, it made a sharp left turn, and with a dopey grin, it made its way toward the buffet table.
“Uh, Discord?” Bean blinked several times, just to make sure he was really seeing what he thought he was seeing. “What is that?”
“That, my dear Bean-o, is the Smooze,” Discord answered. He put one paw over his eyes and scanned the crowd. “Quite the party animal, too; he just loves a good shindig. You should go say ‘hello.’”
“Why, praytell, did you decide to bring a slime monster as your guest?”
“Details, Bean. Details,” Discord scoffed. “Nice crown, by the way. Say, have you seen Fluttershy anywhere?”
“I thought she was with Tree Hugger, over by the—”
“Of course she’s with her,” Discord growled. “That’s the problem!”
“Discord!” Trixie’s shrill shout of alarm cut through the air like a hot knife through butter. “Get this disgusting thing away from me!”
“Oh fine,” Discord scoffed before floating over to the assistant secretary and snatching up the slime ball. “Silly Smoozie, Trixie is for Bean! Now, you go run along. I can’t have you interfering with my plans.”
“Discord?” Bean called out, but by the time he finished saying the word, the draconequus had disappeared. Bean slowly began to walk towards his wife as the Smooze honed in on one of the decorative gems that was hanging by the windows.
“Is Trixie all right?” Celestia asked, once he reached her.
“Yeah, she’s fine,” he said while still looking at the blob. “Um… do you happen to know what that thing is?”
“The Smooze,” Celestia casually replied. “This is the first time I have encountered such a creature, I must admit. But then, if Discord lives in the Chaos Zone, it would logically follow that he has… neighbors.”
“Should we be worried?”
“Cautious, perhaps,” Celestia said as the Smooze slurped into the next room. “It seems harmless enough, even if it is a bit slimy. For now, we have our duties to attend to. There are many ponies who have been waiting to meet both of us. We shouldn’t keep them waiting.”
* * ✹ * *
“Shoo! Shoo!” Chrysalis waved a hoof at the Smooze in a halfhearted attempt to drive it away. “I don’t like you, and I’m sure you hate me too, on some level. Go away!”
“Aw, c’mon,” Pokey chuckled. “I thought you said it was cute.”
“I never said any such thing.” Chrysalis tried to push the encroaching slime away, but she recoiled in disgust when part of the Smooze remained attached to her hoof. “Ugh! Pokey, do something!”
“It’s probably attracted to the sparkles on your dress.” Pokey glanced around for a moment, then quickly snagged one of the tablecloths from a nearby table. With a deft flick of the hoof, he covered the changeling queen, and after a moment, the Smooze frowned and began to slink away.
“There we go,” Pokey said with a grin. “You’re welcome.”
“My hero,” Chrysalis muttered. “Ugh. If that thing is going to stay, then I’m leaving. It’s vile.”
“Really? It reminds me of your pod goo, in a way.”
“I suggest you keep that thought to yourself, Pokey. Unless you want me in your bed tonight. There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep in my pod if I think, even for a moment, that the goo will come to life.”
“It wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to you,” Pokey noted. “I’d take sentient goo over tie dyed colors any day.”
“I don’t want either,” she huffed. “You ponies need to quit torturing me. I’ve had nothing but anguish since I came back for you.”
“Ever hear of a little thing called karma?”
“Shut up,” Chrysalis snapped, and she threw the tablecloth in Pokey’s chuckling face.
* * ✹ * *
“Introducing Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna, and her guest, Corporal Larkspur!” the Royal Crier⁽*⁾ announced.
⁽*⁾The Crier had been informed quietly and firmly that Larkspur was to be introduced as ‘guest’ instead of ‘escort,’ or even worse, ‘consort.’ Princess Luna had a few quiet words with him also, just to ensure there would be no mistakes.
—
Bean chuckled as Celestia squeed loudly, and before he knew it, his wife had rushed to her sister’s side, with a thousand praises for her dress and a thousand more cheerful words for her decision to attend. For his part, Bean slowly worked around the edge of the room, until he slid up next to the uncomfortable looking guard, who had been slowly working to put some space between himself and his unintentional date.
“Larkspur?” Bean took a moment to look over the tan stallion before him. “You look good.”
“If you say so, Sir,” he said, his hoof tugging on the collar of his dress uniform. “I hate being in formals. I feel like an overstuffed peacock.”
“I take it this means Luna talked you into attending the Gala with her?”
Larkspur gave him a sideways Look of Extreme Control. “Thank you, Prince Obvious. I tried to get out of it, but she shot down my attempts. When I mentioned I was still on duty, she immediately put me on the ‘injured reserve’ list, even though there is no such thing. I then tried to tell her about the regulations regarding proper guard/princess relations and behaviors, but she wrote me a special dispensation regarding those regs for the evening, signed by both her and Princess Celestia.”
“I was wondering what was in that note that Trixie burped up,” Bean quipped with a grin. “She wasn’t happy about it, either, since she was trying to make some sort of snarky remark to Princess Twilight at that exact moment. May I offer a piece of advice, Corporal?”
“I can use all the help I can get, Sir.”
“Neither of the princesses will be happy if you sulk all the way through the Gala, so I’m giving you a Royal Suggestion. Relax, go have a reasonable amount of fun with Luna, and…” he waved a hoof in the air “dance with her, at least once.”
“But—”
“No buts,” Bean cut him off. “There is a beautiful young mare over there who deserves to have a kind stallion at her side. Go there, be that, and… well, if you feel like you’re being watched by her late husband, you’re not crazy.”
Larkspur didn’t say anything to this right away, but his face showed his inner concerns about the low level of sanity in the area as clearly as dawn. He glanced over to Luna, hesitated for a moment more, and then glanced back to Bean. “I’ll… try to, Sir.”
“Good.”
A screech from outside suddenly interrupted the festivities, which was quickly followed by loud banging and a demand to be let in from Rarity. Both stallions watched Princess Twilight as she unlocked a set of doors that led to the royal gardens.
As soon as she did, Rarity burst through with a gasping breath, her mane and dress both caked and soaked in the Smooze’s smooze. She lurched forward, collapsed, and twisted to point to something outside. “That creature took my jewels!”
Bean watched on as the Smooze attacked another helpless mare from behind, but his concern doubled when the blob grew ever-so-slightly after swallowing her golden headdress. A hoof went to the brand-new coronet on his head, and he began to move towards his wife, in the hopes that she would offer some protection.
“I’m with you, Sir,” Larkspur said, and he followed Bean as Twilight Sparkle confronted Discord about his ‘friend.’
“I don’t know what’s gotten into him tonight,” Bean said. “I mean, yeah, he’s the Lord of Chaos, but he’s being a huge pain in the flank right now. He’s usually better behaved than this.”
“Maybe we should put him in time-out, Sir,” Larkspur offered. “That usually works with my sister’s kids when they get too rowdy.”
Bean didn’t reply for a moment, as he was too busy watching Discord suck the residual slime—and Rarity’s entire ensemble—off of Rarity with an oversized vacuum cleaner. “If he keeps this up, we might have to. Excuse me for a moment, would you?”
Larkspur nodded, and Bean quickly trotted over to Discord, who was attaching a collar and leash to his errant guest. “Discord? What in Equestria are you doing?”
“Why, my good Baked Bean!” Discord gave Bean a grin, and he pulled the Smooze towards the edge of the hall. “Whatever do you mean?”
“I mean why are you letting this… thing roam around, unsupervised?”
“What? Oh, no!” Discord scoffed. “Smoozie here just gets a bit carried away sometimes. He has a party hearty attitude, and he came here ready to par-tay! Really, things would go a lot smoother if you’d just treat it like any other pony here.”
“That’s a bit hard to do when he keeps eating anything in sight that’s shiny,” Bean shot back. “Does this have something to do with Fluttershy?”
“Oh, would you look at the hour?” Discord produced a ringing alarm clock from somewhere, and with a quick kick, he stuffed the Smooze into a nearby closet. “So much Gala to enjoy, so little time! I simply must be off!”
Bean shook his head as Discord disappeared. “Well, he’s certainly keeping tonight interesting, that’s for sure.”
“Aww, are we pouting because we’re not the center of attention?” Pokey said with a smug grin.
“No. Don’t be ridiculous,” Chrysalis snapped back, her eyes sweeping across the mostly empty dance floor. “Just look around, Pokey. Everypony is standing around, talking. How is this any different than a normal day in the Palace?”
Pokey started to reply, stopped, and blinked. “We’re usually not so elegantly dressed?”
Chrysalis snorted. “Exactly.”
The dutiful sergeant turned back to his date, and he couldn’t hold back the question that had come to his mind. “So why did you decide to come to the Gala, then?”
“To be with you, dummy. I said that when I got the invitation.”
“No, that can’t be it. You spend every night at my house, and you follow me around like a lost puppy whenever I go out to run errands. If you wanted to spend time with me, we could have had a pizza delivered.”
Chrysalis harrumphed, then stuck her nose in the air. “Fine, you got me. I’m stealing all of the love I can possibly get.”
“Come on,” Pokey cajoled in a sing-song tone and with a poke to her side. “You can tell me. You’re not stealing any emotions, I know you’re not.”
“Drop it, Pokey,” Chrysalis snarled, her fangs flashing from a curled lip.
“Tell me, Chrissy. This is your Pokey-poo you’re talking to.”
“I said shut up!”
“You’d feel so much better if you share.”
“Because I want to be a queen!” she snapped as she whirled and came nose to nose with him. “There! Are you happy now?!”
Pokey gave an undignified grunt that was an equal mix of “huh?” and “what?” as Chrysalis retreated and turned her back to him. “Hang on a minute. That doesn’t make any sense. You already are a queen.”
“Nothing gets past you, does it?” she bitterly snapped. “Thank you for that stunning revelation, Captain Obvious.”
“So, what are you talking about?”
Chrysalis snorted, but Pokey was sure that he had seen a tear in the corner of her eye, if only for the briefest of moments. “It’s stupid. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I’ll never understand if you don’t tell me,” he countered. “But I just might surprise you if you do.”
A sharp chirp of annoyance came from somewhere in Chrysalis’ body, and her head dipped slightly. “I just wanted to feel like a real royal for once. Just once! Is that too much to ask for, Pokey? Celestia sits over there, with all of her little ponies fawning over her greatness, and Luna has her little fangroup. What do I get? Nothing. My drones don’t throw themselves at my hooves, unless they’re begging for their lives. Ponies run from me in fear, or run me off with pitchforks and torches. Did you ever think that, just maybe, we changelings have emotions, too? I have a heart,” she added, putting a hoof on her chest. After a moment, she shifted her hoof down and to the left before continuing.
“Anyway, did you ever think that I might like to enjoy the same courtesies that your princesses receive? Did it ever cross your mind that, if I was given the opportunity, I would like to be treated like the queen that I am? That maybe, just maybe, there was once a little changeling princess who grew up loving the same ridiculous fairy tales about elegant princesses who get swept away by Prince Charmings that your little fillies did?”
Pokey didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what he could say.
“When I got that invitation for this horrid Gala, I was foolish enough to think that I could be a queen—a real queen—for just one night. I was going to hobnob with all of the snobs, and daintily eat eclairs while laughing over the latest fashions of the court. I even dared to think that…”
“That what?” Pokey prompted after a long pause.
“Well, that I might be able to talk with Celestia and Luna,” she softly murmured. “I mean, I know I’ve been a huge pain in their ample flanks, but they’re both renowned for their forgiveness, so maybe they would let bygones be bygones for one night, and we could… well, I don’t know. They’re princesses, and I’m a queen, so we could talk about whatever royalty talks about. I was even willing to ah...apo...apologize,” she nearly choked on the word as she brought it out “to that Bean, if it would mean that I could—”
She stalled out again, and this time, Pokey definitely saw the tear as it trickled down her cheek.
“I want to go,” she said after a moment, the anger heavy on her words. “You win, Pokey. You’ve now seen the Mighty Chrysalis make an absolute idiot of herself. I’m sure you’ll run off and gloat to all your guard friends, and the princesses will cackle with glee when they hear about how stupid I am.”
“Hey, wait.” Pokey grabbed her hoof as she tried to turn away, but her gaze came back to him. “I never knew you wanted all of that.”
“That’s because you’re just foalsitting me, stupid. You’ve never asked about my feelings, or what I’m thinking about. You’re just making sure I don’t cause problems.”
“You know as well as I do that you’re wrong about that.”
Chrysalis hesitated. “Fine, so you care a little bit about me. But you’re not trying, either. When I was Bluebelle, you asked all about my interests. Have you asked me about that since I came back?”
“I didn’t think I had to,” he said. “Did you really lie about all of that? I thought you had told me the truth. If it had been all one big fabrication, I would have picked up on it. I’ve been trained to notice when somepony is being deceitful, after all.”
“What difference does it make?”
“Maybe not a lot, but it gives me a starting point,” he said slowly. “I’m not heartless either, Chrissy. If you really want to meet the princesses, then let’s go meet them.”
“I changed my mind,” Chrysalis said as her hooves frantically flailed against the smooth tile floor. “Barbequed changeling smells horrible and tastes even worse, trust me. Let’s just forget I said anything and go back to the hor d’oeuvres.”
“No way,” Pokey replied with a grin as he pushed the queen towards his diarchs. “First rule of the Royal Guard: confidence wins battles, fear loses them. Unless you really want to spend the rest of your life on the run, you need to make amends sooner or later.”
“I vote for later,” she protested, and she gasped as the Sisters’ gaze moved to her. “No! Hokey Pokey, stop right now! I’m not ready for this! I’m too beautiful to die! Let me go!”
Pokey ignored her orders, and Chrysalis went as stiff as a board for the last few feet between herself and the Equestrian rulers. A muffled ‘eep’ escaped when one of Celestia’s eyebrows slowly drifted upwards in wary curiosity, but Pokey pressed on and bowed before his lieges.
“Your Highnesses, forgive my intrusion, but I would like to introduce you to Chrysalis, Queen of the Changeling Hoards. She was just telling me that she was hoping to talk with you.”
“Really?” Luna’s dark tone washed over the terrified bug and threatened to drown her in inky black ire. “I am curious what you could possibly have to say to us.”
“Indeed,” Celestia added. “Please, Chrysalis. Let us not stand on formalities here. We are the respective rulers of our kingdoms, so there should be the greatest degree of openness among us, should there not?”
“Pokey, I am going to kill you when we get home,” Chrysalis said through a clenched smile.
Pokey shrugged and chuckled. “Sudden death is an accepted occupational hazard in the Royal Guard. I’ve had a good run.”
“I loathe you,” she muttered quickly before offering an awkward chuckle. “Look, Your Highnesses, it’s been such a pleasant evening. Let’s not ruin it with any hasty death sentences or oversized fly swatters, shall we?”
“Of course not,” Celestia said in a smooth, even tone. “I would never think of such a thing unless a fair trial had been held first. Besides, the head executioner is on vacation this week, so we could not proceed until she returns.”
Chrysalis leaned back slightly. “So, you’re not going to incinerate me, or banish me to the moon?”
“It is tempting,” Luna offered with a contemplative frown. “While desolate, my moon does offer some rather stunning views, and it is quite the singular place to be imprisoned while paying off one’s debt to society. It would also be cheaper than fumigating the entire palace.”
“Perhaps we should take this one thing at a time,” Celestia added. “I am most eager to hear your reasoning for attacking Canterlot and brainwashing Shining Armor, for starters.”
Chrysalis barked out an uncomfortable laugh. I knew I should have stolen more love from Pokey when I had the chance! These two are going to bite my head off and serve my carcass to that Bean for dessert!
“Well?” Luna pressed.
Chrysalis glanced at Pokey in one final and futile attempt at escape, but he simply motioned to the princesses with a hoof and a smile.
“All right, fine,” she snorted. “Shining Armor is a stud. Even if the two of you won’t admit it out loud, you know it just as well as I do. Take that sexy flank, add in that overwhelming love he has for Lovebutt, and I couldn’t help myself, like you at a cake buffet. We changelings are attracted to love like a moth to flame, and Shiny shines like your sun. I had to abduct him.
“Canterlot was the next logical step. When my drones realized how much love we could get out of you ponies, they collectively started foaming at the mouth. It’s actually quite impressive that my drones were able to wait, because most of them wanted to attack as soon as they got a taste of Shining Armor’s refined love.”
“So you invaded,” Celestia noted with a faint scowl.
“In fairness to myself, the original plan was not to attack,” Chrysalis hastily said. “I was going to pod Lovebutt, and after the wedding, I was going to slowly smuggle my drones in and spread them wide over Equestria. That way, we could steal all the love we needed, but in a way that was undetectable. You never would have noticed us.”
“I doubt that.” Luna’s scowl matched Celestia’s, and they both glared at the changeling queen.
“Look, Princess, changelings have survived without you ponies for centuries. We’re experts at not being noticed. The only reason I got caught is because little Miss Meddling Pain-in-the-Butt got involved. Were it not for her and that stupid ladybug dance, I would have gotten away with it.”
“How do you explain the warnings we received from Shining Armor, then?” Celestia asked.
“Because he was more stubborn than I expected,” Chrysalis groused. “He always thought that I was Cadence, but he also always had this vague inclination that something was wrong. Believe it or not, but it was actually my suggestion for him to put up the shield around Canterlot. That way, he was still ‘protecting’ the city and the ponies from a non-existent threat, and the strain of keeping it up constantly would make him more susceptible to my magic. But then Twilight started sniffing around, and I realized she was a threat. So, I put my drones on alert and told them to attack if the real Cadence somehow escaped, or if I was exposed. They wouldn’t have invaded otherwise.” She gave a short huff of frustration. “I kept having to tell two lies to cover one lie, and it all came apart.”
“I have to say, your honesty is disturbingly refreshing,” Celestia noted.
“What do I have to lose?” Chrysalis shot back. “I can explain the truth. I can quantify it, justify it even. I’m not a complete monster, Your Highnesses. I’m just trying to provide for my subjects, same as you. I’m sure you both did some less-than-honorable things to protect and provide for your ponies at some point, too.”
“Perhaps,” Luna said, a small smirk on her face. “This all reminds me of myself, just before I was corrupted by the Nightmare.”
“What do you mean?”
“It means that, contrary to popular thought, the ends do not always justify the means, Chrysalis. To protect and provide for those in your care is noble and right, but how you choose to do that can be wrong. The Nightmare convinced me that I could compel the ponies of Equestria to love me, but it would not have stopped there. My reign would have been one of fear, of ever-increasing demands for the impossible, with ample punishments for those who failed. The atrocities I would have committed would have been unthinkable and horrendous. The ponies would have lived, but they would not have thrived. They would have stagnated, just as your hive has.”
“My drones are thriving!” Chrysalis barked, her fangs bared.
“If you say so,” Luna chuckled. “But as long as you keep that mindset, you will never progress. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I seem to have lost Corporal Larkspur, and I would like to sample some of that mousse moose before it is all taken. Your Majesty,” she dipped her head, and gave a smile to Celestia. “Sister. I shall point Bean in your general direction if I see him.”
“Thank you,” Celestia said, but her eyes remained on Chrysalis as Luna walked away.
“So, now what?” Chrysalis asked after a few awkward moments. “Are you going to throw me in your dungeons again? Banish me to the moon?”
“I should,” Celestia slowly said. “And I am tempted. However, I believe there is another punishment that will be far more effective.”
“And what might that be?”
Celestia smirked, and her eyes went to Sergeant Pokey for the briefest of moments. She then turned, and without a backward glance, she began to walk towards the front of the hall. “House arrest should do the trick, I think,” she called over her shoulder.
For a long time, Chrysalis simply stared as Celestia walked away. “I think your Princess is broken,” she finally observed to Pokey.
“No,” he said with a growing sense of dread. “She knows exactly what she’s doing.”
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean had to admit that he was having a good time at the Gala.
When Chrysalis had first shown up, he had automatically assumed that the rest of the evening would be ruined, but the evil changeling queen seemed content to stick to the edges of the room with Sergeant Pokey. Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle had all been keeping a wary and watchful eye on the intrusive bug, so he had forced himself to relax and to try and enjoy the party.
Each new conversation with a guest had put the vile queen further out of his mind, and a couple of Maud Pie’s jokes had lifted his spirits considerably. He wasn’t sure if it was her timing or her deadpan delivery, but Pinkie’s sister was a natural comedian. Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash had drifted towards him as Maud had completed her routine, and he was happy to spend time with them once again.
“Well, here you are!” Celestia’s whispered voice came over his shoulder, and he giggled as her wing draped over him. “I thought I’d lost you for a moment. Are you having a good time?”
“I am,” he replied as he leaned into her. “I’m sorry I was grouchy earlier.”
“No need to apologize,” she said with a kiss for his cheek. “I understand why.”
“At least she’s behaving herself,” he noted. “I guess Pokey is making sure of that, eh?”
“Not directly. I think she’s behaving because she wants to behave. She does not want to upset her date.”
“Huh! Queen Chrysalis, behaving? Who would have guessed? Maybe we should just marry those two so she won’t act up anymore.”
Before Celestia could respond, however, the lights suddenly dimmed in the hall and all conversation stopped. A spotlight sprang to life from somewhere unseen, and the beam focused on a brick wall in the far corner of the hall that hadn’t been there five seconds ago.
“Oh, great,” Bean muttered. “What is Discord up to now?”
“Check, check. Check.” Discord blew into a microphone, then tapped it with a talon. “Is this thing on? Good evening, filles and germs! I just flew into Canterlot, and wow! Are my interspecies parts tired!”
A rimshot rang out over the silent crowd. Discord glanced around eagerly, but no laughter was forthcoming.
“I’ve only got these tiny, mismatched wings, but even I can fly better than Twilight Sparkle, am I right?”
“Hey!” Twilight protested, but Bean was almost positive that he had heard his wife giggle.
Discord chuckled nervously. He was obviously expecting more of a response from the crowd, and the silence was deafening. “Perhaps you’re all into more observational humor?”
“What is he doing?” Bean asked as Discord disappeared in a flash of light.
“Hey, did you ever notice that you materialize out of thin air?” he asked, his head and neck sticking out of a thin white portal. The rest of him then stepped out of said thin air, but he was now wearing a blue jacket with a red tie. “Why not thick air? What’s the deal there?”
Another rimshot rang out, but the only response was an awkward cough from a mare near the front of the stage.
“Tough crowd,” Discord said to nopony as he tugged on the knot of his tie.
Bean started to say something, but an odd green glow flashed in the corner of his eye and caught his attention. He twisted around to get a better look, but when he did, a shiver of fear ran down his spine.
“Uh, Celly?” he said softly.
“Knock, knock!” Discord’s voice seemed to drown out his.
“Sweetie? Love of my life?” Bean poked his wife in the ribs.
“You’re supposed to say ‘who’s there?!’” Discord whined. “It’s the most basic of jokes!”
“You’re the most basic of jokes,” Maud replied, which brought out the laughter that Discord had been seeking.
“Celestia!” Bean nearly shouted.
“What? Why are you poking…” Celestia turned, her words trailing off as the closet door slowly creaked open.
A thick green slime poured out of the open door, and within moments, it had flooded the entire hall with itself. A few ponies tried to make a run for the door, but most ended up stuck in the thick sludge with screams of alarm.
“Ugh!” Twilight tried to blast the green mass with her magic as Celestia hefted Bean onto her back with a wing, her mane and tail drenched with the mess. “None of my magic works on this ooze! Can you stop it, Princess?”
Celestia lit her horn, but a glob of the slime on the end of her horn absorbed her spell, expanding outward until she cut off the flow.
“I’m afraid not!” Celestia said as the small bubble burst.
“Discord! How could you bring him here?” Twilight demanded as the draconequus lazily floated above the malaise in the form of two pieces of frazzled rope tied together.
“Oh, he’s not that bad!”
“Discord, get this—” Bean started, but Celestia quickly shushed him.
“Wait, wait. Just watch. There’s a friendship lesson for Discord here.”
“Really? Now is the time for a friendship lesson?” Bean asked.
“Yes. Just watch,” Celestia said, and she pointed to Tree Hugger and Fluttershy, who were stuck to a nearby window.
“This is kind of a bummer,” Tree Hugger noted from her upside-down position.
“Isn’t it, though?” Discord replied, as he dropped in from above on a window washer’s platform. “And to think, it never would have happened had I come to the Gala as somepony else’s plus one!”
“Seems like something might have harshed his flow, y’know?” Tree Hugger went on. “Like, his senses are agitated.”
“You don’t know anything about rare creatures!” Discord angrily replied before floating down and patting the sea of slime. “I’ve known Smoozeface for ages, and he’s not agitated. He’s partying down!”
“All he needs is some calming auditory therapy!” Tree Hugger happily announced. “I know I always feel really at peace when I’m being bathed in positive vibes. Maybe he’ll calm down with some sonic bliss!”
“Do you even know what you just said?” Discord demanded with an angry scowl, but Tree Hugger was unperturbed. Instead, she simply closed her eyes and began to chant.
Or, at least halfway chant. Tree Hugger’s ‘sonic bliss’ was a mixture of chanting, but mixed in with even measure was an odd, high-pitched whinny.
For a moment, Baked Bean thought that Tree Hugger’s brain had been affected by the slime, but before his astonished eyes, the Smooze began to undulate, then pull back in retreat. With each repetition of the chant-whinny-whatever-it-was, the Smooze coalesced more, until finally, he was a large smiling pile of slime in the middle of the hall.
“Let go, Smooze! Bliss out!”
“Hey, it worked!” a pony called out, and a round of cheers came from the guests.
“Phew!” Bean exclaimed as Celestia’s magic gently put him back on the ground. “That was a close one, wasn’t it?”
“I don’t think we’re done yet,” Celestia said.
“What?”
“Oh, thanks, everypony,” Tree Hugger said with a small grin. “It makes perfect karmic sense that your magic doesn’t work on him. He only responds to vibrations that peace out his energy fields.”
“Stop it! Stop it!” Discord went snout to snout with the new age pony, his rage on full display now. “That’s it! I’m done with you, Tree Hugger!”
“Oh, man. You’re really bumming me out,” Tree Hugger said with a deep frown. “Can you just, like, lower your voice a skosh?”
“A skosh? A skosh?!” Discord roared. His talon lashed out, and with one quick swipe, he tore a hole in the fabric of reality and revealed a sparkling blue portal. Without a word, his magic lashed out and pulled Tree Hugger up, and with a malevolent grin, the Lord of Chaos floated the nuisance towards his unholy creation.
“Oh, dude!” Tree Hugger wailed. “What is that?”
“Um, I think now would be a good time to do something,” Bean urgently whispered to his wife.
“Not yet,” she replied. “I’ll catch her if he makes good on his threat, but just watch. He needs to work this out.”
“Relax, I’m not going to hurt you!” Discord gleefully cackled. “I’m simply going to send you to another dimension! I can’t have you interfering in my relationship with Fluttershy anymore!”
“This is all about Fluttershy?” Bean asked.
“Discord, stop!” Fluttershy called out, and she took to the air to confront her friend.
“I will! Just as soon as she’s gone!” he replied, and he summoned a small tea set in between them, complete with chairs and a table. “Then we can have a good laugh about this whole affair over our regular tuesday tea. I’m doing her a favor, Fluttershy. It’s a lovely dimension: white sand beaches, an attentive wait staff. I mean, okay, the humidity isn’t great, but where isn’t that the case these days?”
“I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” Fluttershy angrily shot back. “We were all getting along so well.”
“As well as we could, considering you’ve already stomped all over our relationship by inviting her,” he motioned with a talon back to Tree Hugger, who was watching the whole affair with obvious confusion “to the biggest night of the year, as if I didn’t matter at all!”
“Did you really think I’d abandon you just because I made a new friend?” Fluttershy challenged.
“Yes!” Discord instantly replied. “Because that’s what you did!”
“No, Discord! I invited a friend to a party,” Fluttershy replied right back. “I didn’t abandon you! What about Prince Bean? You’re his friend, right?”
“Fluttershy, what are you doing?” Bean meekly said as he ducked behind Celestia. “Why are you bringing me into this?”
“Did you stop being my friend because you’re friends with him?!” Fluttershy fairly spat the question out.
“Uh, well…” Discord stammered. “I suppose not.”
“And do you discuss the same things with Bean that you do with me?” she pressed.
“No,” Discord slowly said, the realization dawning on him like the sunrise. “Bean is a different friend for different things… oh dear.” He slunk back and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. “It looks like I have overreacted by just a skosh.”
“More like a lot of skoshes!” Fluttershy corrected. “Tree Hugger, could you give us a minute?”
The imperiled pony simply nodded, a blissful smile on her face.
“I’m just so new at this whole friendship thing,” Discord said, the embarrassment heavy in his tone. “It’s so much more complicated that it looks.”
“Do you think that, maybe, you owe somepony an apology?” Fluttershy said, with a wave of her hooves towards Tree Hugger. Discord hesitated for a moment, but then he produced a small flower and offered it to Fluttershy, who smacked out of his paw. “Not me!”
“Oh! Oh, ahem,” Discord cleared his throat. With a snap of his talon, the portal was sealed, and Tree Hugger dropped into an oversized velvet pillow. He then shot over to the oversized Smooze, and in one swift move, he pulled out a sizeable trove of glittering jewels and gold from the middle of his friend. The Smooze instantly revered back to his original size, and in a flash, the stolen treasures were returned to their rightful place.
Or, at least Bean hoped Discord had put them back in the closet.
“Uh, Tree Hugger,” Discord walked over to her and Fluttershy, with his head hanging low in embarrassment. “I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of my, um… well, you know. Wrath,” he meekly finished.
“Oh, it’s all groovy,” Tree Hugger replied, but when Discord tried to hug her, she gently pushed him away. “Um, I need, like, a few minutes to clear out my chakras before I can hug you from a place of authenticity.”
“Chakras. Right,” Discord said with a chuckle.
* * ✹ * *
“Well, this has been a lively evening,” Bean noted. “Chrysalis crashed the party, Discord nearly sent a pony to another dimension, and a green blob nearly consumed the royal treasury. Does this happen every year?”
“Certainly not,” Celestia said with a grin. “Can you imagine how boring tonight would have been if I hadn’t invited him?”
Bean hesitated as he thought the question over. “No?”
“Trust me, it would be very dull,” she replied, and a hoof waved over the crowd. “Just look at how much fun everypony is having now.”
“I suppose so,” he said with a shrug.
“Besides, I believe I still owe you a dance,” she said with a laugh, her wing wrapping around him and sending tickles of delight running from his nose to his tail. “C’mon! The night is still young!”
“So, I guess we need to dance?” Corporal Larkspur asked as he and Luna watched Prince Bean and Princess Celestia move to the center of the dance floor.
“You are under no obligation,” Luna replied. “But if you are willing, I would love to share a round with you.”
“I’m not much of a dancer,” he replied with a hard swallow, but remembering Bean’s words, he continued with, “I would be honored, Prin— I mean, Luna.”
“I shall watch my hooves, then,” she said with a small grin as he offered a hoof to her. “Please, lead on.”
Sergeant Hokey Pokey chuckled to himself as Corporal Larkspur gingerly led Princess Luna out on the dance floor. He wasn’t quite sure how Lark had gotten himself into the uncomfortable position of being the lunar diarch’s ‘guest,’ but he was immensely grateful that it was Lark and not himself.
But then Pokey’s eyes drifted to the changeling queen on his left. A wistful, almost longing look was on her face, and his mind helpfully offered up a portion of their conversation from earlier.
“I just wanted to feel like a real royal for once. Just once! Is that too much to ask for, Pokey?”
“No,” he muttered, as his eyes went to her rear, and then back to her front. “It’s not too much to ask.”
“Did you say something?” Chrysalis turned to face him, but she let out a confused chirp when she found him with an outstretched hoof.
“Would you care to dance, Queen Chrysalis?” he asked.
Chrysalis hesitated. One forehoof started to lift up, but then it retreated back to the floor. “I hate dancing.”
“Going once,” Pokey offered, with as much silk in his voice as he could muster. “It’s not every day that a Queen has the opportunity to share a dance with her knight, and certainly not in a formal setting like this.”
Chrysalis bit her bottom lip, and her hoof slowly began to rise again. “I really shouldn’t. All I can do is bob from side to side while bending my knees.”
“Have you seen Princess Twilight Sparkle when she dances? Take a chance,” he offered in a purring whisper. “Be bold.”
Her hoof inched towards his. “You won’t laugh at me?”
“I’ll bob along right with you, if that’s what it takes,” he said with his most disarming grin. “No laughing, no judgement. Just a simple dance, nothing more.”
Her hoof gently took his, and a furious blush flared across her cheeks as she gasped and dipped her head in embarrassment. It was the exact same reaction that Bluebelle had whenever he had said something that pleased her, and his grin grew with the knowledge that those times might have been the real Chrysalis coming out to play.
“Fine, but just one dance,” she commanded, her glittering green eyes meeting his over the top of her glasses.
“Just one,” he repeated.
Pokey was grateful that the Princesses did not react to their presence as the rest of the guests cleared the floor. He was also grateful that Lark—and especially Prince Bean—were focused on their partners and not the changeling that had joined them, since there was still plenty of animosity between his prince and his date, and for good reason. Chrysalis giggled a bit to herself as Pokey bowed to her, and unexpectedly, she swept him up and into her embrace.
“You know how to waltz?” he asked, as they began to sweep around the room.
“A girl has to have some secrets,” she said with a grin. “I think the better question is ‘how do you know how to waltz?’”
“Standard guard training,” he scoffed. “We have dance class every Thursday. Helps you stay limber and lean.”
“And here I thought I had you figured out, my Pokey-poo,” Chrysalis said with a smile.
“You might, one day,” he retorted with a chuckle.
The pair continued their dance, with Pokey leading and Chrysalis following, but it only took a few moments for them to forget about Celestia, Bean, Luna, Larkspur, and every other guest in the grand ballroom. For the guard and the queen, there was nothing in the world but them and the music of the night as it caressed their moves and enchanted their hooves. Their steps were sure, their moves were elegant⁽*⁾, and the grace they displayed befitted her royal status and stature.
⁽*⁾For a given value of ‘elegant’
—
“So, what has brought on this sudden change in attitude from my Pokey-poo?” Chrysalis asked with a smile. “I expected you to complain the whole night, to be honest.”
Pokey smiled. “Will you be returning to your hive soon?”
“You shouldn’t answer a question with a question. It’s rude.”
“Perhaps, but your answer will help explain mine,” he said as they twirled along the edge of the room. “You’ve figured out how to change yourself back to your original evil colors, so there isn’t a reason you can’t go back.”
Chrysalis continued to dance, but her steps slowed slightly as she thought for a few moments. “Well, I really should go check on my little ‘lings, I suppose. But I did just get all of those new crossword puzzle books, and it would be expensive to ship them back, unless I use parcel post, but that takes forever, and you know I can’t live without my crosswords.”
“Indeed I do.”
“And I did just get my pod set up the way I like it,” she went on. “You’d be surprised how hard it is to get that pod goo to be both soft and firm at the same time. Hazelnut was going to show me how to make that cheese souffle of hers, and you promised to take me to that new Zesty Gourmand restaurant on the other side of town. And Sunbutt did put me on house arrest, apparently.
“So, I guess the answer is no,” she concluded with a thoughtful, but pleased smile. “I don’t think I’ll be going back to my hive anytime soon.”
Pokey nodded as they drew closer together. “Since all of that means that I now have a permanent roommate, I figured that I should probably try to get along with her. For my own peace and sanity, of course. Besides, you have to steal your love from somewhere, and I’m used to it by now.”
“I’d be careful if I were you, Hokey Pokey,” Chrysalis replied, as their noses nearly touched. “What would your superiors say if they found out you’re offering aid to the enemy?”
Pokey simply grinned. “I think they’d understand, in the end.”
“Tell me, Corporal, are you having a good time?” Luna asked, and the corners of Larkspur’s mouth twitched upwards.
“I suppose so, Your Highness. You’re a very light dancer, if I may say.”
“Thank you. You are doing well yourself.”
“Tumbleweed and Marigold are going to have a field day when they hear about this,” Larkspur said with a chuckle. “And I can only imagine what Mint will say.”
“I do regret that your family is not here,” Luna said. “But perhaps I can make it up to them. The Summer Sun Celebration will soon be upon us, and I would be honored if you and your family would attend as my special guests.”
“I’m sure they’d enjoy that immensely, Princess. I gratefully accept your invitation.”
“Good. I also appreciate your willingness to assist me this evening. I know I ‘put you on the spot,’ so to say, but your company has greatly eased my concerns and doubts.”
“I’m not quite sure how I’ve helped, Your Highness, but as a guard, it is my duty, my honor, and my joy to be of assistance.”
* * ✹ * *
“Ugh,” Bean said with a yawn as he followed his wife into their bedroom. “I think I’m getting spoiled with this royal lifestyle stuff. I used to stay up late all the time when I worked at the Zuerst. Now I can’t even last much past eleven.”
“I suspect your early mornings with me are a primary cause for that,” she said with a nuzzle, which brought out a giggle from him. “But I think you have enjoyed your first Gala, no?”
“Oh, yeah. This has been fun, and interesting,” he said. “Though I’m not sure how you’re going to top this next year.”
“Next year may prove to be more sedate,” she agreed.
“Good evening, Your Highnesses.” Sassy Saddles greeted the royals with a quick curtsey.
“Oh! Miss Saddles. I thought you had gone home for the night,” Bean said with a small note of alarm.
“Not yet. I am under strict orders from Miss Rarity to make sure your new outfit is removed and stored properly.”
“Removed?” Bean asked, his hoof reaching up to the buttons on his coat.
“Yes. If you take it off the wrong way, it will wrinkle the fabric. Once I’m done with you, I will assist the princess with her dress. This should only take me a few minutes.”
“I didn’t realize there was a wrong way to take off a coat,” Bean remarked dryly. “The dress I get.”
“Just over here, Your Highness.”
Celestia smiled as she watched Bean and his haunches as he moved over to Miss Saddles, but a loud belch from behind interrupted the lustful plans that had begun to form in her head.
“Blegh,” Trixie grumbled as she came up on Celestia’s left side with several loose papers in her magic and a hoof on her stomach. “Message from Miss Wysteria for you, Princess.”
“Miss Trixie, I need you to stay here, too. I’ll get you out of that dress once I’m done with the Princess,” Sassy called out.
“Fine,” Trixie muttered with a large yawn as Celestia’s magic took the papers.
A frown came when the princess read the first page.
Enclosed are the confirmation forms for the caterers for the Grand Galloping Gala. I initially thought they were for the Royal Dessert Competition in a few weeks, and misfiled them as such. Please forgive the inconvenience.
-Wysteria
Celestia felt a deep well of regret tie her stomach up in a tight knot. Her dear Bean had turned in the paperwork, as requested, yet she had not bothered to verify with Wysteria.
She had sent her husband on a needless wild goose chase, and she could imagine how annoyed—and perhaps, a little hurt—he had felt with her accusation and demands. Her eyes went to the long, thin envelope that Bean had thrown on the vanity table that morning, and her magic pulled the folded letter out from within.
Dear Mister Shane Husson,
We regret to inform you that your recently submitted story does not currently meet our publication standards, and has thus been rejected. We have returned your manuscript with this notification, and wish you well with your future writing endeavors.
Sincerely,
The Editorial Staff of Pony Press, Inc.
Celestia’s eyes flicked back to Bean, but his back was turned to her as Sassy Saddles worked her magic on his vestments. Silently, Celestia slid the rejection back in the envelope, and her mind began to churn as she thought over this news. This would be the thirteenth rejection letter that Baked Bean had received on his story, and it tore at her heart to think that she had been so snippy with him that morning. Had she known, she would have offered a more conciliatory statement and ignored the missing paperwork entirely.
But then she happened upon a thought, and a soft smile came as she thought it over. She would have to pull a few strings and abuse her powers as Princess slightly, but if she could pull it off, her dear Bean would be pleasantly and happily surprised.
Celestia smiled as Baked Bean’s ears twitched. Her husband had curled up into a ball when she had reluctantly risen that morning to tend to the sun, and he was just too cute when he scrunched up his nose like that.
“Be-e-an,” she whispered, with a kiss for each cheek. Both ears snapped to focus on her, and the corners of his mouth twitched, as if he was trying to hold back a smile.
His efforts at resistance failed when she began to nibble at the base of his neck, and he hummed a delighted note as she slowly worked her way up. A passionate kiss was shared once she reached his lips, and her own smile grew as his beautiful sea-green eyes fluttered open.
“Well, this is quite the wake-up call,” Bean dreamily murmured. “What did I do to deserve this? Is today special, for some reason?”
Celestia gently nodded. Her dear Bean was cute, charming, and intelligent, but he was also the worst liar she had ever met. “It is. I’ll give you a present if you can remember why.”
“A present?” Bean rolled onto his back and gave her another kiss as she dropped to her knees. “Let’s see. It’s not your birthday, and the Summer Sun Celebration is not for a few weeks yet.”
“True,” she replied, her grin turning devious.
“Let me think,” he said, his hoof tapping his chin in thought. “Maybe today is the national dessert competition! You’ve been saying how much you’ve been looking forward to that.”
“Not quite,” Celestia purred.
“No? Hmm, let me think, let me think,” he drawled. “I got it! Today is the day my parents opened the Zuerst!”
“Is it really?” Celestia had to ask.
“I have no idea, to be honest,” he chuckled. “I doubt they remember, either. It was sometime in spring, so either way, that’s not it.”
“Give up yet?”
“Never!” His forelegs reached up and pulled her into a hug. “Of course! I remember now. Today is our first anniversary. Unless we’re using the second wedding as the official day.”
“I think we’ll use today, since it is when we really got married,” she purred, and she nipped his ear. “Happy anniversary, my beloved Baked Bean.”
“And happy anniversary right back to you, my sweet Celestia,” he said with a giggle. “And here’s to many, many more.”
“Agreed,” she said with a broad smile. “Since you did remember why today is important, I shall now give you a present.”
“I dunno.” Bean bobbed his eyebrows. “That present you gave me last night is going to be hard to beat. What did you have in mind?”
Celestia shook her head once to toss her mane out of her face, and in one swift move, her lips locked onto his. The euphoric bliss that came with their passionate embrace sent waves of tingling joy crashing through her body, and when the kiss ended several minutes later, it was only with great reluctance on both their parts.
“Whoof,” Bean murmured, his eyes glazed over in dazed happiness. “You know, I never considered what it would be like to kiss the sun before I met you, but now that I have, I don’t ever want to stop.”
Celestia let out a pleased nicker of delight with his statement, and she moved in to kiss him again. “You have no idea how happy that makes me.”
The pregnant princess wasn’t sure how long they remained in this embrace, but she did have to laugh when Bean’s stomach grumbled and complained about its current state of emptiness, thus breaking the mood. “A little hungry, are we?” she asked playfully.
“Maybe just a skosh,” he admitted.
“Then I shall have to take care of that for you,” she said as she stood. “You wait right there, and I will be back with as many of my funny-face pancakes as you can handle.”
“I thought I was the one who was supposed to spoil you with breakfast in bed on our anniversary,” he observed.
“Perhaps next year, then,” she said with a grin. “But for now, it is my turn to spoil you.”
“Good morning, Sister,” Luna called out with a soft smile as Celestia entered the hallway. “You appear rather pleased this morning.”
“Indeed, Lulu,” she replied. “I was just heading down to get breakfast for myself and Bean. I would normally invite you to join us, of course, but…”
Luna held up a hoof and gave her sister a knowing glance. “Say no more, Celly. I would not dare intrude upon this day for anything. I am sure you and Bean will have a wonderful time together.”
“Thank you,” Celestia said with a quick hug. “Did you have any plans for today?”
“Some research, perhaps,” she said, the faintest hint of a worried frown crossing her features. “But nothing serious. Most likely, I will be asleep for most of the day.”
“Do you need any assistance?” Celestia asked as they rounded a corner. “I can send Trixie to you, if need be.”
“Nay, Sister, though I do appreciate the offer,” Luna said. “If I do any studying, it will be very light. Please, do not trouble yourself over me. Go, enjoy your anniversary, and let me know what Bean thinks of your present. I am curious to see how he reacts.”
“I think he will be pleased, but I’ll be sure to tell you.”
Luna started to say something more, but the sudden appearance of a dragonfire scroll interrupted her. The missive was snatched from the air with a deft hoof, and the younger sister giggled slightly. “I do not receive many messages from young Twilight Sparkle. I wonder what—”
Before Celestia fully registered what Luna had said, her sister disappeared in a flash of magic. Confusion was quick to set in, but the elder sister decided that if it was something that Luna had wanted help with, she would have said so.
Still, she would check on Luna later, and make sure that everything was fine. “Strange,” she muttered to herself, her hooves moving again towards the kitchen. “I almost thought I heard ‘creature of blue smoke…’”
* * ✹ * *
“So, what do we have planned for today?” Bean asked around a mouthful of food. “I admit, I tried to make some surprise plans for you, but Trixie said I couldn’t because you had preempted me.”
“I did,” Celestia happily replied. “And I am sure you will enjoy what I have put together for you.”
“If you did it, I’m sure to love it,” Bean said with a grin. “So, what is it?”
“Oh, no. It’s a surprise!” Celestia announced. “I’m not telling you anything.”
“What?” Bean groaned playfully. “Aw, c’mon! That’s not fair!”
“Yes it is.” She stuck her tongue out at him and ruffled her wings in faux annoyance. “How many times have you not told me about your devious little plans, hmm? Need I remind you about that delightful little dance we shared after Mung and Chowder’s wedding? Or all of the delicious meals that you’ve sprung on me?”
“Or that time when I ran off and tried to fight Tirek all by myself?” he added with a small frown.
“Even that was a good surprise, and the perfect response to the situation.” Celestia nipped his ear, then moved in so her lips tickled the fine inner hairs. “I dread to think of what might have happened if you had followed my instructions.
“I will share this much with you, however,” she went on. “We will be going out today, and I would very much appreciate it if you would wear that nice blue coat of yours. I might tell you where we are going once we are airborne, but not a moment before that.”
“You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention,” Bean said, and he loaded his fork with a large serving of pancakes. “I can be ready to go within the hour, my lady.”
“So soon?” she pouted. “I was hoping that you might want to share a bath with me, but since you are so eager—”
“Change of plans,” he announced. “Bath first, then trip. There’s no way I’m passing on wet wife action.”
“I thought not,” Celestia said with a devious grin.
* * ✹ * *
“So, where are we going?” Bean asked with a playful bounce as the carriage took to the sky. “We’re obviously not going anywhere in Canterlot, or we’d just walk.”
Celestia laughed a little at Bean’s energy, but she was determined to let him wait. Though he would enjoy her plans for the day no matter what, she felt that it would be more meaningful if he was surprised by them.
However, she decided it would be for the best to give him a hint, a taste. If she didn’t, there was a very good chance that he’d bounce right out of the carriage in his eagerness. “We are on our way to Baltimare, my Bean. I have several surprises there for you.”
“Oh? Like what?”
“If I tell you, that would take away the surprise, wouldn’t it?” she said with a coy grin.
“You’re mean.” Bean stuck his tongue out at her, but then he grinned. “Sergeant Pokey! Where are we headed to?”
“I couldn't say, Sir,” he called back. “I’m just here to provide the horsepower.”
“Sergeant Clover?”
“Come again?” she yelled back. “I can’t hear you, Sir! All of this wind is drowning you out!”
Bean grumped a little as he sat back on his haunches, and he folded his arms tightly with a pout. “No fair. You ordered them not to tell.”
“I did,” Celestia casually replied, and Bean hummed in delight as her hoof scratched behind his right ear. “But I had the best of intentions.”
“That I don’t doubt for a minute. Since just being with you is all I could ever need, I’m sure I’ll enjoy whatever you have planned.”
“I think you will.”
“The Museum of Art?” Bean hopped down from the carriage, and he took a moment to study the facade of the building before turning back to Celestia.
“Yes. I have heard rumors that the Moody Blues exhibit is rather extensive, so I decided that you and I should come see the collection for ourselves.”
Bean tilted his head slightly and gave her a flat look. “But you hate museums.”
“I never said that,” she said with a grin.
“Yes you did, back on Hearts and Hooves Day.”
“No I didn’t,” Celestia playfully insisted. “You asked me if I could tell you about the paintings, but you never asked if I like them or not. I only said that I dislike Ponygliacci.”
“Oh. I just kinda thought you didn’t like them, since you’ve seen them a million times.”
Celestia waved a dismissive hoof. “Do not feel troubled, my dear Bean. It was a reasonable assumption. Now, shall we head in? I have heard that the rare Knights in White Satin is the highlight of the exhibit.”
Bean’s smile began to return as she took him under her wing, and with a kiss, they strode towards the main entrance together.
“So, what do you think?” Celestia gently asked. “Do you like the exhibits?”
There was a brief pause as Bean tore himself away from his study of Moody Blues’ Knights in White Satin, but once he did, he met his wife with a kiss and a smile. “I like it. This has been really interesting, and informative. I just wish it wasn’t so boring for you.”
Celestia waved a dismissive hoof. “I’m entertained by you, so I’m good. Now, what is so captivating about this painting?”
“I dunno,” Bean said as they both tilted their heads. “I like the interplay of the greys and the greens here, and whatever this sweeping… thing is called in the background. It gives the impression of a forlorn knight to me, standing against the world even though he knows he cannot possibly win. It’s not about the results for him, but rather the principle: he is oath-bound to protect his lady and his lands ‘till his last breath. It’s… well, there’s a sense of futility to it, a nobleness that is dying with him in this last stand.”
Celestia tilted her head the other way, and she pulled back slightly as she tried to project what Bean was saying onto the broad stripes of color on the canvas before her.
“But maybe that’s just me,” Bean added. “I could be seeing things that aren’t there.”
“No, I think I can see what you’re seeing,” she said slowly. “A little bit.”
“Did you ever meet Moody Blues?” Bean asked.
“Oh, I probably did at some point, but I don’t remember,” Celestia said. “Most likely, I would have attended one of those self-indulgent award banquets that was thrown for him during the peak of his popularity. I mostly just heard of him from others. As I recall, he was quite the mare’s stallion, if you know what I mean.”
“I’d heard that before somewhere. I think this exhibit downplayed that part.”
“It was a cause for some difficulties after he passed on. I do recall having to pass judgements on his estate in court, and which ponies were heirs to his fortune.”
“Do we have any of his paintings in the palace?”
“A few reproductions, but I’m pretty extra sure I burned them in my efforts to catch Bob the Changeling,” she replied with a grin and a boop for him. “All of the originals were safely stored here, away from my destructive fury.”
“I still get a little tingle of joy when I think about that,” he said with a smile. “The thought that you would destroy priceless paintings for me is rather awesome.”
“I’d do it again, and sooner if I could have saved you from those injuries,” she replied. “But let’s not dwell on that. Tell me, what other pieces caught your eye?”
* * ✹ * *
“So where are we off to now?” Bean eagerly asked. “We still have the whole afternoon in front of us.”
“Indeed,” Celestia said with a wry smile. “My next gift for you is something that you have expressed interest in before.”
“Really?” Bean glanced around, then back to her. “What did I say was interesting… wait. Did you get tickets to the opera, too?”
“A special matinee screening of Ponygliacci, just for you and me,” she said. “The production was scheduled to end last night, but the troupe was more than willing to perform an encore when I asked.”
“But you hate the opera. And don’t say you don’t!” he challenged.
“What I like and what I hate is irrelevant for the moment. What matters is that you wanted to see it. Now, before you protest anymore, let me remind you that the troupe is doing this as a personal favor for me, so I would hate for them to go through all of that effort for nothing.”
“Well, I suppose we should go see it, then,” he warily said. “But are you going to be okay with this? I don’t want you to suffer through something you hate.”
“I will be fine, my Bean,” she said with a kiss. “Come, we should be off. It would be rude to be late.”
“Celly? Are you okay?”
“Hmm?” Celestia’s magic pulled the orange ear plugs from her ears, and she smiled as she tucked them into a hidden compartment in her peytral. “What was that, love?”
“Did you even hear any of the opera?” he asked.
“Everything up to the second movement. And even most of everything after that, despite the hearing protection,” she dryly remarked.
Bean blew out a huff of annoyance. “You really didn’t need to sit through this just for me, you know. I saw you cringing. A lot,” he added.
“I’m sure I did, but I will contest your statement. I would argue that I did, in fact, need to sit through this just for you.”
“Why?” he asked, as they exited the Princess Box and began to walk down the red velvet carpet that had been laid out for them.
“I will explain over dinner,” she said with a bob of her eyebrows. “I hope you’re hungry. I have an elegant meal planned.”
“Oh? Where are we going?”
Celestia giggled as Bean’s enthusiasm came roaring back. “First, let us thank the opera company for their performance. Then we can be off.”
“I must say, this is an exquisite meal,” Bean said after swallowing his bite. “The crust on the pasqualina is golden brown—which is really impressive, given how prone it is to charring, even under perfect cooking conditions—the butternut squash is exactly al dente, with just the right amount of garlic and butter, and I really like the addition of the basil and thyme to the tahini sauce in the baked falafel. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you asked my parents to cook this for you.”
Celestia gasped at his insinuation. “Me? Ask your parents to cook a meal in an effort to spoil you? My dear Bean, I am offended, and deeply wounded by your baseless accusations! I’ll have you know that I merely asked them for some recipes. Chef Sugar Beet was the one who cooked the meals.”
Bean chuckled with Celestia, and he wiggled in closer to her side. “Ah, well, I take it all back then. I get the feeling that you would have cooked all of this yourself, had we been at home.”
“I would have tried, but Chef Beet would have been right behind me,” Celestia said. “I can handle a few simple meals, but nothing this complex. Would you like more sparkling cider?”
“Mm, yes please.” Bean held out his fluted glass, and Celestia topped him off. “You know, I’ve never had a picnic dinner on a cloud before, but I kinda like it. It’s private, it’s soft, and we have a great view from here.”
Celestia’s wing held Bean just a bit tighter, and she hummed a happy note as they both looked over the sparkling lights that made up the skyline of Baltimare. Luna’s moon hung full and proud in the sky, and the infinite expanse of stars provided a singular peace that was the perfect addition to the end of this perfect day.
“So, why did we go to the opera?” Bean softly asked. “You’ve been dodging the question ever since we left.”
“I have,” Celestia slowly said. “But I wanted to share my thoughts with you in a private setting, where we would not be overheard or disturbed.
“Bean, when we got married a year ago, I warned you that you would have to put up with a mare who was pushy and demanding, a mare that was used to getting what she wants and who has stinky wing pits. Since then, you have been fantastic about accepting my quirks and my faults, and the only time you’ve directly defied me is when it mattered the most. You, my beloved, have nearly bent over backwards for me, even when you haven’t wanted to. You have done things for me that you would rather not do, and I realized at the Gala that I have done a poor job of repaying that favor to you.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Bean cut in with a grin. “I might not like your mood swings, but your ‘extra credit assignments’ more than make up for them.”
Celestia giggled and gave his cheek a quick kiss. “Yes, but I need to do more. You were willing to upend all of your plans to make me happy on Hearts and Hooves Day, even though you wanted to see the Moody Blues exhibit and the opera. You could have forced me to go, but you didn’t. You sacrificed something you wanted to give me something I wanted.
“After the Gala, I decided that it was my turn to do the same. Maybe I didn’t need to sit through the opera with you, but I most certainly wanted to. Your interests are just as important as mine are, and I want you to enjoy them. You did enjoy the opera, correct?”
“Yes, I did,” he said in a slow, thoughtful tone. “I probably would have liked it more if I knew what they were saying, but it was still good.”
“Then I am pleased that you got something you wanted,” she said, and her horn lit. “And speaking of which, I have one last present that I want to share with you.”
“You do?” he asked, and in a flash of golden magic, a long, book-sized box appeared in front of him.
“Yes. When I saw your last rejection letter for your book, I knew I had to do something.”
“Oh, you didn’t have to do anything,” Bean said, as he hefted the box in his hooves and shook it. “I mean, I knew it was a long shot to get published in the first place.”
Celestia gave him another kiss. “I think I did. Go ahead, open it. I’m sure you’ll like it.”
Bean gave her a worried frown for a moment, but he gently tore the paper away and revealed a thin, white box. With slow and delicate movements, he lifted the lid, and for several long moments, he said nothing.
“Well?” Celestia asked, a sense of anxious dread building inside her chest. “What do you think?”
Bean glanced up to her, down to the gift, and then back to her. “I don’t really know what to say. It's… well, um…”
“Just spit it out,” she gently prodded, but with a hint of fear in her voice.
“I suppose the first thing that comes to mind is ‘why?’” he asked. “Why would you do this?”
“Why shouldn’t I?” she nervously asked. “Bean, the work you put into Luna’s biography was impressive, and so I thought that I should enlist your services for this as well.”
Bean nodded slowly. “Okay. I understand that, and I appreciate it. But isn't there a Royal Biographer already?”
Celestia shook her head. “I have never allowed an official biography of my life to be written, love. I have not wanted the more… unpleasant things that I have done to be widely known. But you have proved that all of me—the perfect princess, the destructive warrior, the slightly insecure wife, and all of the other bits and baubles that make up Celestia—can be loved and accepted equally. Besides, I have forgotten so much over my lifetime already, and I would hate to lose anymore to the steady erosion of time. With you as my official biographer, I can preserve and share everything that makes me who I am, and your skills as a writer can be shown to the whole world. Besides,” her wing pulled him in, and he giggled when she nipped his ear “I think it will be good to get it all out. It will be very therapeutic, in a way.”
Bean glanced up, and Celestia’s heart leapt with joy when he smiled at her. “Well, who am I to refuse such a prestigious posting? I gratefully and humbly accept your appointment.” His hooves pulled the elegant document that announced his new position by royal decree from the box, and he glanced over it one more time. “Any chance we could get this framed?”
“I’ll hang it in our drawing room, right above the bassinet,” Celestia said as she nuzzled his cheek. “Thank you, Bean. I have to admit, I was a bit worried that you would be offended.”
“You were?” he asked, and his hooves went to his mouth in alarm. “Oh! Because of how I reacted, right?”
Celestia nodded. “I know you want to become a published author without any help, but I feel so horrible that you’ve received so many rejection letters. I admit, I briefly thought about publishing your book on my own, but I quickly realized that would take away from your ultimate success.”
“I’m glad you didn’t do that, too,” he said. “But this is nice. I still get to be a writer this way, and who knows? Maybe writing about your non-fiction history will help out my fiction efforts.”
“It just may.”
A peaceful silence settled over the couple like a warm blanket, and Celestia enjoyed the feel of Bean’s soft coat against her own, with the added punctuation from Nilla’s inner kicks. These peaceful moments were always welcome, as they provided a perfect moment of tranquil bliss in the sea of duties and appointments that made up their lives as the Royal Couple. Here, in these moments, was where Celestia truly felt the full serene joy that came with her marriage to Baked Bean.
“You know, Luna outdid herself tonight,” Bean softly said, his hoof tracing lines up and down Celestia’s foreleg. “Did you ask her to make the stars so bright?”
“No, I didn’t have a chance to. It is quite the singular sight, and we shall have to thank her for it.”
“I’ll also have to thank Trixie for her Great and Powerful teleportation skills,” Bean quipped with a sly grin. “There’s no way I could have surprised you with this otherwise.”
“Bean!” Celestia gasped as her sneaky husband struck again. In her forehooves, she found a small pink box wrapped with red ribbon, and she giggled to herself as her magic untied the bow. “You really shouldn’t have.”
“Yeah, no. I should have,” Bean smirked. “I hope you like it.”
“She’d better like it!” Trixie shouted from somewhere below them. “Do you two have any idea how hard it is to sneak up on a cloud?!”
“Pretty easy?” Bean shot back as Celestia opened the box. “It is dark, and you’re doing a good job of blending in!”
“Oh, Bean.” Celestia’s smile went from ear to ear as her magic pulled the golden, heart-shaped locket from the box, and she took a moment to admire the intricate flower-and-vine pattern on the front. “It’s beautiful. Did you put a picture of us in it?”
“Not yet,” he said as she undid the clasp and investigated the interior. “But that’s because only two-thirds of our family can be seen in a photo right now. I thought it would be nice to have Nilla in there, too, so as soon as she’s born, I’ll put a picture of all of us in there.”
“Thank you, Bean,” she said, and with a kiss for him, she placed the locket’s chain around her neck. “If I may, I would like to get a lock of hair from you, too.”
“I think that can be arranged. It's not much of a locket otherwise, is it?”
"Not so much," she said as she moved in to kiss him again. "Thank you, Bean. I shall always cherish this."
* * ✹ * *
Baked Bean idly tapped his hooves on the table as he eagerly awaited the arrival of his wife. Despite all of the fantastic gifts that he had been given on this marvelous first anniversary, Celestia had informed him that she had one more treat for them to enjoy before the evening was over: a succulent dessert to go with their meal, but there had not been room enough in the picnic basket for it. Of course, Bean realized that it was all a thin excuse to get them both back to the palace, since Celestia had enough magical power to teleport just about anything from nearly anywhere in Equestria, but he was willing to play along for her sake, and for the obvious extra surprise she had planned to go with the dessert.
However, his idle thoughts about what might happen after dessert distracted him, and he failed to notice when a large, white cake suddenly appeared to his left. When he did catch sight of the massive dessert, he gasped and recoiled slightly, but then he began to investigate.
It was an impressive cake, he had to admit, and the whipped frosting tickled his nose and tempted his mouth. But the one thing that grabbed his attention, above all else, was the single lit candle on the very top. It didn’t look like any candle he’d ever seen before; in fact, it almost looked like Celestia's horn, with a small flame dancing at the tip.
Bean moved in closer to get a better look, but before he knew what had happened, he found a snow-white nose touching his own, and a wife who was grinning like a Cheshire cat.
“Boop!” she playfully announced, as her head and most of her neck emerged from the top of the cake. Her royal accoutrements were elsewhere, and her mane was matted down by frosting, but Bean felt his cheeks begin to burn as Celestia slowly licked her lips.
“Celly?” he asked. “How…”
“Magic,” she simply replied.
“Heh. Of course,” he replied with a matching smile.
“Happy anniversary, Baked Bean,” she cooed. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need your help to extricate myself from this luscious dessert. I suggest you start at the top and work your way down.”
“And if I do?”
“Then you will get yet another present from me, and I’m pretty extra sure you want this one,” she growled with a bob of her eyebrows.
Princess Luna, Most Eternal Mare of the Eventide and Keeper of Dreams, shuffled a bit and groaned when she felt a few stray beams of light on the nape of her neck. Hers was a reluctant trip back from the realm of dreams this morning, but for the first time in what felt like forever, there was no gasping panic, no cold chills, no haunting echoes of her nightmare’s parting words.
In fact, Luna could not think of a more peaceful place to find upon waking. The friendly scent of cinnamon tickled her nose, mixed with the familiar redolence of deeply loved books, all neatly organized and eager to be of service. The comforting aromas ever-so-slowly enticed her away from her delightful dream of nothing in particular, and the corners of her mouth twitched upwards as she gently cracked one eye.
Luna drew in a deep and satisfied breath while soaking in the ambiance of Twilight’s guest room, which was filled with the quiet and yet definitive peace that always came with victory over a vicious foe. It was a welcome peace from the endless torments of the Tantabus, and in a way, it was also the peace that came with the victory over her own suppressed frustrations and anger over her former life.
Her gaze slowly drifted to a nearby window, and she idly noted that the sun was high in the bright blue sky above her. This meant that she would be off-work for some time yet, and had no real reason to go anywhere, or to leave her comfortable position.
But a further study of the room revealed a few new details for her consideration. While she had fallen asleep on the floor of the guest bedroom after the battle, she was now in a plush, oversized bed with silk sheets and a soft, fuzzy comforter to keep her cozy and content. To her immediate left was Twilight Sparkle, who was quietly reading a book to herself, and Luna felt a small twinge of joy that the young alicorn was engrossed in the seminal Pony Dreams and What It All Means by Fluffed Pillow.
There was an awkward pause as Luna debated for several long moments on how to best extract herself from this situation, or even if she wanted to. Before her sleep-fogged mind could settle on any vague inklings of a plan, however, Princess Twilight levitated a bookmark over from the end table and stuck it in her current position.
“So…” Young Twilight’s eyes did not reflect anger or disapproval as she expected, but only trust. “Tantabus?” she simply asked.
Luna offered an uncertain nod, and she reluctantly leaned away from Twilight and her comforting warmth.
“Would you like to talk about it?”
The question had deep merit, and for several more moments, Luna considered her response. There was no urgency in the matter, so she gave it her best effort, considering the problem from all angles before answering with “Yes.”
There was another long and awkward pause, filled with the kind of silence that only a library in a nearly empty castle could provide. A single mote of dust floated through a nearby sunbeam, making a slow but stately passage to a shelf where sometime soon an industrious dragon would detain it for trespassing. Twilight’s book likewise floated through the air in a slow path to the nearby end table and settled down with a faint rustling noise.
She really did not want to look back at Twilight Sparkle. Every time she did, her own Twilight seemed so close behind those alert eyes, despite being centuries gone. This Twilight had an evaluating expression that Luna found herself evaluating back in turn, hoping to get an idea of what Equestria’s youngest princess was thinking.
“Perhaps later?” Twilight slowly offered.
“No. Some things should not be delayed,” Luna replied with a deep frown. “Although, there is little wisdom in rushing carelessly about, without fully contemplating the full weight and scope of your decisions…”
“You’re not comfortable sharing with me.” Twilight offered the sentence as a statement, not a question or a rebuke. “I understand. But you need to share with somepony.”
“Celly.” Luna let out a long breath and laid her head back onto the pillow that Twilight had provided earlier, coincidentally moving closer to the warm form of the other princess as she closed her eyes once more. “Perhaps… after a little while longer.”
Although Luna could not see, she could feel Twilight scoot closer, and the faint rustle of pages as she returned to her reading. “No rush?” she asked after a blissful period of silence.
Luna simply nodded and remained where she was for a very long while.
There was certainly no need for haste.
* * ✹ * *
“Luna! Oh, thank Harmony you’re back!” Celestia cried out, and the nocturnal diarch was swept off her hooves and into the larger alicorn’s embrace. “What happened? Are you all right? I was so worried when you didn’t show up this morning and I had to lower the moon for you, and...”
“I am fine, Celly,” Luna gasped, and she pushed against Celestia’s chest so she wouldn’t be crushed. “I am sorry I worried you, but I assure you that nothing is amiss. Or, at least nothing is now.”
“Now?” Celestia repeated, and she begrudgingly let her sister go. “Luna, what happened?”
“I, um…” Luna lost the ability to speak. She knew she had to tell Celestia everything about the tantabus, and what had happened last night in Ponyville, but at the moment, she felt like she’d rather banish herself back to the moon. “I need to talk to you about… about something I did. I do not think you will be pleased once you hear it.”
“I don’t care what you did,” Celestia quickly stated. “And I promise I will not be upset. Please, just tell me. I am here for you.”
“Luna?” Bean’s voice cut in, and the two of them turned to him. “Hey, you’re back! We were getting worried. I’ve got some rhubarb pies that just came out of the oven and a bunch of vanilla ice cream, if you’d like.”
There were certain advantages to having a brother-in law who cooked when he was concerned. “Thank you, Bean, and yes. I think I would like something to eat,” Luna said.
“Come, we can talk everything over in our drawing room.” Celestia motioned to the doorway. “Unless you’d like to go somewhere else?”
“No, that will be fine.”
Baked Bean entered the drawing room with no minor amount of trepidation, and he took a moment to glance the situation over as he pushed the trolley in with the pies and ice cream. A large pile of pillows had been placed on the floor, with two alicorns lying comfortably on the surface that had been created. Celestia gave him a sad smile while he entered, and once he had placed the tray of treats on the short table by the large bay window, he settled in under his wife’s wing without a word.
The awkward silence continued for a few minutes more as everypony took a few bites of pie, with Luna being unable to maintain eye contact with her sister or her brother-in-law. Every time their eyes met hers, she would quickly glance away to either the bassinet in the room or her own plate of pie. Though Bean desperately wanted Luna to tell them what was wrong—and he was pretty extra sure that Celestia felt the same way he did, but by several more degrees of anxiousness—he knew that he needed to let Luna confess in her own way.
Besides, whatever it was, it couldn’t be that bad. There had been no reports of anything unusual happening last night, other than Luna’s unexpected trip to Ponyville, so it wasn’t like she had turned back into Nightmare Moon or something.
He hoped.
“I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning,” Luna said, once her plate had been cleared. “Bean, when I returned from my exile and was purged of Nightmare Moon, I found a world that was completely unfamiliar. Life had gone on for a thousand years without me, and everything from the Kingdom I had betrayed to the very language I spoke was completely different, in just about every possible way that I could imagine.
“Celestia, however…” Luna trailed off, snorted as she blinked back the tears, then cleared her throat. “Celestia was right by my side, and she vowed to remain there until I was fully acclimated to the new normal that surrounded me. For months, Celly taught me everything that I needed to know: geography, history, politics, and so on. She helped me to understand modern turns of phrase and—after one rather interesting Nightmare Night—how the relationships between Us and our little ponies had changed.
“In all of this, there was never anything less than her full support and her unconditional love. Celly welcomed me back with a full and grateful heart, and I vowed to never betray that love again, no matter the cost.
“But I had fallen once, so to me, there was the very real possibility that I could be swayed by my darker side once more. My past actions proved how easy it is for one to forget all that one has been given, and to focus only on slights and injustices. I could not—I would not—let that happen, so I resolved upon a course of action that would prevent me from ever forgetting what I had done.”
“Sister?” Celestia asked, her tone heavy with concern. “What did you do?”
Luna hesitated, then drew in a long, deep breath. “A tantabus, Celly. I created a creature of nightmares, and I instructed it to torture me, every night, with the memories of Nightmare Moon. Since then, the tantabus has plagued me with some variation of the same theme—the unholy evils that only I could create as that foul creature of the night. With the memory of my treachery replayed every evening, I was assured that I would never forget the exquisite pains that I had inflicted upon you and upon our little ponies.
“However, unbeknownst to me, the tantabus grew in power with each successive night. Little by little, my abominable creation became stronger, until finally, it was able to escape and infect other ponies’ dreams. Do you recall the nightmare you had a few months ago, right before Bean came down with the flu? That was the tantabus’ first escape. I managed to contain it then, but over the last week, it grew powerful enough to free itself from my bounds, and it began to taint the dreams of the Element Bearers. From there, it infected the dreams of Ponyville, and had I not intervened, my creation would have escaped into the waking world and turned it into a nightmare.”
Bean’s eyes went wide, but he didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what he could say to all of that.
“Luna,” Celly whispered, a hoof on her mouth in horrified shock. “Why… You didn’t need to…”
“I know,” Luna cut her off, and she stood. “Thanks to Twilight Sparkle and her friends, I have come to peace with what I have done, and the tantabus is no more. I was absent last night because of the severe strain that I took upon myself to link the dreams of Ponyville together, and I simply had no energy left. I am well enough now, however, so you need not worry about me.”
“Lulu…”
“Now, if you will excuse me, I think I need some time alone.” Luna moved towards the door, her head hanging low in apparent embarrassment. “I will speak with you both later.”
And with no further fanfare, Luna left the drawing room, leaving Bean and Celestia to share a conflicted, anguished glance with each other.
* * ✹ * *
“Luna?” Baked Bean hesitated for a moment, but he slowly advanced when the nocturnal princess met his gaze and gave him a small nod. “Mind if I join you?”
“I do not,” Luna slowly said, her eyes going to the foam cup he held in a hoof. “What is that?”
“A medium caramel frappuccino in a large cup with an extra pump of frap roast, double shot affogato, and caramel drizzle.” He shrugged, and held out the offering to the Princess of the Night. “I thought you might like something caffeinated.”
“Thank you, Bean. Modern coffees are a sort of alchemy that still confounds me, but the results speak for themselves.” Luna took the offering in her magic, and she took a gentle sip. “Perfect, as always. I shall have to thank Mister Dry Roast the next time I see him.”
Bean nodded, and the two of them slipped into a comfortable silence on Luna’s balcony. The moon, heavy and full, cast a cool silver glow over Canterlot and the few ponies who were still awake at this hour, and Bean allowed himself to breathe out, letting the tension in his shoulders flow away on the evening breeze.
It was a shame that Luna had not been able to enjoy the same peace since her return. He shuddered as he thought about Luna tormenting herself, night after night, with a horrible creature of her own making.
Both he and Celestia had been shocked when she had finally broken the truth to them after arriving back well into the afternoon. For his part, he had felt a great swell of sadness and remorse for her, and it was obvious that Celestia had felt the same way. The rest of what remained of that day had been filled with anxious pacing and worried whispers about how to best help her, and now, he hoped that he would know what to say.
“You must think I am the biggest fool in Equestria,” Luna broke the silence at length.
Bean glanced up to his sister-in-law, but found her expression to be totally unreadable. “Why would I think that?”
“I allow myself to be corrupted into Nightmare Moon, and then when I am freed, I immediately inflict grievous nightmares upon myself.” She shook her head, and her gaze dipped downward. “A normal pony would not try to torture herself as I have, nor would they allow themselves to be blinded by something so trivial as the amount of love they receive.”
“Oh, see, now you’ve done it,” Bean remarked with a playful smile. “You forgot who you’re talking to, and now you’re going to get it.”
Luna glanced at him with one eyebrow sliding upwards. “Oh?”
“Yup. You wanna talk about normal ponies?” Bean gestured to himself. “You’re talking to one of the most normal ponies in the whole of Equestria. By all rights and reason, I should be some washed-up chef living in an unremarkable town, doing unremarkable things like flipping hayburger patties and asking if you’d like to Celestia-size your order. The only reason I’m not is because of your sister, and to a degree, you.”
Luna snorted, but a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I suppose I did forget, but you must admit that a normal pony would not try to attack Tirek with fireworks and pieapults.”
Bean shrugged. “Love makes you crazy. Blame your sister for that. Take her out of my life, and I would have been running for the hills. But all of that is besides the point. My point is that what you did isn’t foolish at all in my eyes. I’m afraid it makes too much sense to me.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “I appreciate what you are trying to do, Bean, but the folly is mine and mine alone.”
“Maybe, but I still say I understand why you did it. The fact that you were willing to torture yourself with that tantabus thing tells me that you love your little ponies just as much as Celestia does, if not more. You wanted a way to make amends for your betrayal, since Celly didn’t ask for any sort of reprimand of restitution. Your sins were as black as pitch, so why should you ever be forgiven, and especially so freely and willingly? No, you had to do something; there had to be a punishment for such a vile act. Am I close?”
Luna nodded, but said nothing.
“I totally get that, Lulu.” Bean came to a sudden halt at the realization of where his unrestrained mouth had gone, but there was no immediate divine retribution, so he continued more slowly, “You’re not the only one with regrets, who has stayed up late into the night wondering why you got off the hook so easily and others didn’t. If there had been a way for me to create a tantabus for myself after Swift Hoof’s death, I would have done the exact same thing. Since I couldn’t, I did the next best thing: I declared myself guilty and put myself in jail as a fitting punishment for my crimes. I’d still be there if the track team hadn’t come forward and exposed their part in the whole thing.”
“Swift Hoof? You refer to your friend who died in the hazing incident during your youth, correct?” Luna asked, and Bean nodded. “Mm. With no offense intended, the magnitude of our misdeeds is vastly different.”
“Maybe, but we reacted the same way. We both tried to punish ourselves as a way to claim some sort of absolution, to equalize the scales as it were. No amount of ‘I’m sorry’ feels like it would ever be enough.
“But in the end, we didn’t need to punish ourselves, much as we might want to. Swift Hoof’s parents forgave me, and the ponies of Equestria have forgiven you.” Bean put a hoof on Luna’s shoulder and offered her a comforting smile. “We’re all here to help support you, from Celestia all the way down to regular ponies like me. Your past is not today, and you are not who you once were. You’ve suffered enough for what you did. I don’t think Star Struck and Twilight Starbright would want you to suffer anymore, either.”
Luna grinned and reached out with one wing to pull her brother-in-law into a hug. “You speak the truth, Bean. My Star would not want me to suffer. Of course, he would have expressed his opinion on the matter a bit more forcefully than you have. And he probably would have tried to cuff me over the back of my head for creating the tantabus in the first place,” she said with a chuckle. “I can just imagine him standing there, his face turning beet red and his tail lashing at his haunches. ‘Augh, you daft numpty! What’ve ah told ye about being a eejit?’” Luna dropped her voice an octave to properly imitate her late husband’s tone. “‘Ah ‘taint about to let anypony hurt my precious lass, and that includes you!’”
“If memory serves me correctly, I believe he would then hug you until dawn,” Celestia’s voice drifted over them, and she gently touched down on the balcony with a worried frown. “But since he is not here, may Bean and I fill in for him?” Celestia peered under her sister’s wing. “Perhaps, with slightly less enthusiasm?”
“Urk!” managed Bean weakly from beneath dark feathers. “I’m fine!”
Luna relaxed her wing grip slightly and reached out to her sister with a smile. “I would greatly appreciate that, Celly.”
A gentle three-way hug ensued, but Bean squeezed just a little tighter when he felt teardrops hitting his nose. A small part of him marvelled at the fact that he, Baked Bean, was the one who was allowed to share these intimate and emotional moments with the rulers of Equestria, but the larger part of him was deeply grateful for the opportunity. Had he never crossed paths with Celestia, he never would have known—nor would he have ever guessed—that his diarchs could be so vulnerable, so tender. In a way, it made these moments all the more precious, all the more valuable.
He wouldn’t trade them for anything in the whole world.
“Thank you, Bean,” Luna whispered with a slight hitch in her voice. “And thank you, dear Celly. I would have been lost without you.”
“That’s what sisters are for,” Celestia whispered back.
* * ✹ * *
“Prince Bean, sir!” Corporal Larkspur snapped to attention as the Prince slowly exited his chambers with a wince.
“Corporal.” Bean paused for a moment, and decided to go ahead anyway. “Lark, you and Princess Luna haven’t been... umm...”
Both of Larkspur’s ears went straight up and his eyes widened until Bean thought he might lose his eyebrows. “No!” he squeaked, sounding very un-guardly.
“Not that,” scoffed Bean. “I mean... you’ve been talking with her, right? And just talking,” he continued at Lark’s rapid nodding. “No hugging?”
“Um... no sir,” said Larkspur, sounding much more calm and reasonable, or at least he was blinking again. “The Princess and I have had no physical contact whatsoever, Sir, excepting the one dance at the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“Well, in the event there ever is hugging involved,” continued Bean slowly and with as much compassion as he could muster, “make sure you are wearing your armor. She’s got a really good grip.”
Lark nodded once, then gave Bean a longer look as realization cascaded in. “Infirmary?” he asked.
“Infirmary,” confirmed Bean, moving down the corridor at a slow walk with a touch more limp than normal. “Not sure if I cracked a rib or dislocated a disc. And I’d rather neither of them knew later.”
“Of course, sir. My lips are sealed,” lied Larkspur. “Let’s see if Doctor Horsenpfeffer can get Prince Pillow fluffed back into proper shape.”
“Nightmare Night, what a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!”
Tuppence flashed her sweetest smile to the old mare who had answered the door, and inwardly, she pumped a hoof when she saw the Princess-sized candy bars that the greying mare held in a large bowl.
“Oh, aren’t you all just so adorable! Is that you, Tuppence?”
“Yes, Hazelnut, it’s me. Do you like my stripes?”
“They’re just perfect, dear! I almost thought you were a real tiger for a moment.” Hazelnut adjusted her glasses and turned her attention to the other ponies on the porch. “Let’s see. This darling little Royal Guardspony must be Marble, and the beautiful little Luna just has to be Buttons, or I am going to get my glasses checked.”
“Is me, Hazel!” Buttons chirped, with a quick flap of her wings.
“I see your mother decided to let you go trick-or-treating tonight by yourselves. I’ll have to have a talk to her about her free-range parenting ideas,” Hazelnut huffed with a playful grin. “But since you’re here, I suppose I should give you a treat. I certainly don’t want your backsides to be gobbled up by Nightmare Moon!”
Tuppence suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. While she was young enough to still go trick-or-treating, she was also old enough to know that all of those legends about Nightmare Moon were just made up. Besides, Nightmare Moon had been defeated by the Elements of Harmony years ago, so there was nothing to worry about.
If Marble and Buttons wanted to sacrifice some of their candy to a non-existent spook, then let them. She was going to keep every last piece of candy she got, and enjoy them all, too.
“Here you go, dears,” Hazel slid a candy bar into each of their bags, then tipped her witches’ hat back on her head. “Don’t eat it all at once! You’ll get a horrible tummy ache.”
“We won’t, Missus Hazelnut,” Marble said.
“Good. Oh, and watch out for the house next door.” Hazelnut leaned in, put one hoof to the side of her mouth, and glanced around to make sure no pony was eavesdropping. “I hear there’s some kind of frightful monster in there! If I were you, I’d consider skipping it and moving on to the next one.”
Three pairs of young eyes went to the house, and Tuppence’s eyes grew wide at the sight of the sickly green glow that was pulsing out of the windows. She, along with every other foal in the neighborhood, had heard the rumors of an evil changeling living in Sergeant Hokey Pokey’s house, and now was the perfect time to investigate.
“Thank you, Hazelnut!” Marble called out, and the three of them checked out their prize as they walked back to the main sidewalk. “I got a peanut crisp bar!”
“I got a caramel pull-apart!” Buttons happily said.
Tuppence frowned. “I got a rock.”
“You wanna go back and ask for something else?” Marble asked, but Tuppence shook her head.
“No, it’s okay. C’mon! Let’s go see if Pokey’s house is really infested.”
“I don’t wanna go.” Buttons nervously looked over the foreboding abode, and she ducked behind Marble for protection. “It looks really scary.”
“Ah, relax,” Marble scoffed. “Whatever’s in there can’t be that bad. It’s Sergeant Hokey Pokey’s house! You like him, remember?”
Buttons shrugged. “I dunno. He’s always cranky. I don’t think he likes me.”
“C’mon,” Tuppence added. “Just a quick peek. If there really is a nasty changeling in there, we’ll run away before it can get us, tell Mom, and she’ll take care of it. Okay?”
Buttons glanced over the home once more, swallowed hard, and then nodded. “Okay.”
Having convinced the young filly, the trio of siblings marched confidently down the sidewalk, past the two jack-o-lanterns, and up the two stairs to the porch. So far, there was nothing amiss, and Tuppence checked for any sense of immediate doom before knocking on the front door.
The three gasped when the door slowly creaked open after the first knock, and a cold rush of dusty air made Tuppence doubt her previous bravado.
“Hello?” Buttons called out into the eerie and poorly-lit room. “Anypony home?”
No answer came, and Buttons retreated to her safe position behind her brother. “I don’t like it. There’s something breathing in there.”
“Ah, it’s just some fancy lights and some creepy noises on a record. C’mon,” Marble said, his chest puffing out. “Nightmare Night, what a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!” he shouted in.
The reply was a high-pitched chittering that made the hairs on the back of Tuppence’s neck stand on end. “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea, Marble.”
“Don’t be such a scaredy-cat,” he quipped with a grin. “Look, I’ll go in first. You girls follow behind me, okay?”
“Hey!” Tuppence gave her brother a shove. “I’m not scared! I’ll go first!”
“Be my guest,” he said, with a wave of his hoof to the front door.
Tuppence’s pride was on the line now, so with far more bravery than she felt, she pushed the door open and stepped through the doorway. “We know you’re in here, changeling! Show yourself!”
“Yeah!” Marble added from somewhere behind Tuppence. “We’re going to stop you, you evil monster!”
“Are you nuts?!” Tuppence whirled and threw a hoof over Marble’s mouth. “Don’t provoke it! Look around, dummy!”
Marble’s eyes widened as he finally saw what Tuppence had noticed. The entire front room—or, what had probably once been a front room—was now free of any pony furnishings, and in their place, several green pods of various sizes were glowing with an unearthly neon green glow. The pods were even attached to the walls and the ceiling, and the three hesitantly began to pick their way around the slime-filled cocoons.
“What are these things?” Marble asked. His hoof reached out and poked one pod, but he pulled it back when the surface gave way to the pressure.
“Maybe it’s all the love that a changeling steals,” Tuppence mused.
“If that’s right, then this one has been stealing a lot,” Marble noted.
“I don’t like this,” Buttons said, her voice trembling slightly. “I’m scared. I wanna go.”
“Just a minute,” Tuppence replied. “We gotta make sure Sergeant Pokey isn’t in one of these things.”
“Oh, I’m afraid it’s far too late for that,” a dark and wicked voice called out from nowhere.
The three siblings screeched and quickly bunched up together, their heads whipping in all directions as they began to inch back towards the front door. Another screech came when the door slammed shut, and Marble’s small horn lit with what little magic he had.
“Well, well, well,” the mystery monster called out with a tut. “Three little ponies, all on their own. Whatever shall I do with these trespassers?”
“S-show yourself!” Marble called out, his voice squeaking just a little.
A glob of slime then hit the floor right in front of Tuppence, and the terrified ponies slowly looked up to where the slime had come from. From the middle of a group of pods, a horrible, deformed pony-like creature of black and green slowly slid out and hung upside down while peering at her catch with wide, slitted eyes. A fang-filled smile split her face nearly in half, and her hole-ridden wings buzzed in anticipation.
“How perfectly delightful!” the oversized bug cackled with delight, her head spinning in an impossible circle to look down on them with devious glee. “Three little flies, caught in my web. I must say, you all look rather delicious. All of that wonderful, youthful love!” she hissed, her tongue snaking out to taste the air. “I can’t wait to see how much you have.”
“You stay away!” Marble said, and a small spark jumped from his horn in an attempt at a warning shot. “We’ll call the guards!”
“Oh, no! Not the guards! I suppose I’ll just have to eat you now. Maybe I’ll start with—” the monster dropped from the ceiling, landed on all four hooves in one smooth motion, and lunged at Buttons—“this little one here!”
The threat pushed Tuppence, Marble, and Buttons beyond what little bravery they had, and in unison, the siblings made a break for the open back door. Tuppence tried not to scream too much as they blindly galloped across the small yard and across the street, but once she had, she stopped to catch her breath and to make sure that evil bug hadn’t caught Marble or Buttons.
“What was that thing?” Marble asked, his breaths coming in ragged bursts.
“I have no idea!” Tuppence gasped back. “Did you see all of the holes in her legs?!’
“She was gonna eat us!” Buttons wailed. “I almost widdled!”
Tuppence started to offer a comforting reassurance to her younger sister, but she stopped. The bug had threatened to eat them, but she hadn’t chased them once they had left the house. If she was serious, why hadn’t she followed them?
“Wait a minute,” Marble said, his thoughts clearly travelling down the same track. “She didn’t come after us. Did she stay in the house?”
“I guess so,” Buttons said.
“But why didn’t she gobble you up, Buttons?”
The trio thought these facts over for a few moments before Buttons spoke up again. “So… she wasn’t going to eat us? She was just trying to scare us?”
“She did a good job,” Tuppence noted. “But it was kinda fun, too.”
The siblings quickly trotted around to the front of the house, and found the front door slightly ajar again, with the same sickly green glow emanating from the windows.
“It’s almost like she wants another pony to go in,” Marble mused. “Hey! We should go tell Violet! She’d love something that scary!”
“She was whining about how lame that haunted corn maze was,” Tuppence noted with a grin. “I bet this’d really freak her out. Can you imagine her face?”
“Well, let’s go get her and find out!” Marble said, with a devious grin. “C’mon!”
* * 🎃 * *
Sergeant Hokey Pokey rolled his shoulders and groaned as the muscles in his neck pulled back. Absolutely nothing had happened in the palace during his shift, and that made for a very long and boring day of staring at a wall.
Truth be told, he would have rather stayed at his post for the remainder of the night and dealt with the boredom. He was not looking forward to Nightmare Night, or the hordes of trick-or-treaters that would be coming to his house and making demands for candy. He wasn’t even sure if he had any candy left, since Chrysalis kept sneaking into what he had bought when she thought he wasn’t looking. She seemed to have a preference for peanut butter cups, since he had found several chocolate shells with two fang marks and no innards laying around, but the bug queen would feast upon whatever she could get her thieving little hooves on.
His idle thoughts were interrupted when he rounded the last corner to his house, and found a long line of ponies waiting on the sidewalk out front. An eerie green glow hung in his windows, the front door was slightly ajar, and two jack-o-lanterns had somehow appeared on his front stoop.
“Chrysalis,” he muttered as a pair of ponies ran out of his back door, shrieking all the way. With a snort, he quickly flew over to the next pony in line, and he landed in front of the clown just as he was preparing to enter.
“Step aside, sir.” Pokey ordered in his official voice. “Royal Guard. Please return to the sidewalk.”
The visitor beat a hasty retreat, and Pokey growled as he threw the front door open.
“Pokey, shut that door!” Chrysalis hissed. “You’ll give away my hiding spot!”
“Where are you?!” he demanded.
“I’m up here, stupid. Now shut the door!”
Pokey kicked the door shut with a rear hoof and glared up at the pods on his ceiling. “What in Equestria do you think you’re doing?”
“Enjoying Nightmare Night, of course.” Chrysalis dropped down on a long line of changeling goo like a spider and smirked as she struck a threatening pose. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“Do I even want to ask why?”
“Well, for one thing, it’s free emotions.” Chrysalis licked her lips and sauntered up to Pokey. “Scared isn’t as powerful as love, but it still works. Second, it’s good practice. When I go back to the hive, I’ll need to be as fearsome as I can get so my drones remember why I’m in charge. Third, it’s entertaining. The looks on the ponies faces when I scare them is hilarious!”
“So, you’re scaring ponies for your own needs.”
Chrysalis put a hoof on Pokey’s breastplate and smiled. “Pokey, this isn’t just about me. I’m giving those ponies out there something they want. Do you really think they’d be lined up otherwise? I even got Hazelnut and three little nitwits to help funnel them in, and you know Hazel wouldn’t help me if she thought I was really going to hurt somepony. Quit being such a wet blanket and enjoy the holiday for once. Besides, those little crumb-suckers dump candy when they run, like they think I’m Nightmare Moon and will eat that instead of their backsides. It’s a win-win situation here, my sweet babboo. I get emotions, I get candy, and ponies get scared. What could be better?”
“I am not your sweet babboo,” snapped Pokey. “You can’t just go scaring the—” He stopped with a second look at the relatively small pile of candy Chrysalis had accumulated. “Is that a NuttyOatyOat bar?”
The changeling queen shrugged. “Not my kind of candy. I’ve been slipping them into the emptier bags when they’re not looking. It’s good practice.”
Pokey hesitated, and his mind went back to when he had been a small colt on Nightmare Night. NuttyOatyOat bars had always been his favorite, and he had willingly traded whatever he had to with his friends to get more of the succulent treats. Of course, he always mapped out the most efficient route for trick-or-treating, so when the time came to trade, his sugar haul was easily twice that of anypony else, and his cache of treats would last almost until the next Nightmare Night.
But back then, he had also enjoyed being the one who stood up to all of the scary that the holiday had for his friends, and to drive them back until they were reduced to nothing more than a laugh. If Pokey had to be honest, Nightmare Night was really where the first seeds of his career as a Royal Guard had been planted.
“Well…” Pokey reached out with a wingtip and snagged the candy bar, trying to keep his most stern face. “I’ll go out back and make sure none of them are too traumatized after you’re done. Nightmare Night is for the foals, after all.” He turned to leave, covering the motion of a wingtip as he snagged a second NuttyOatyOat bar on his way out the back door to stand vigil over the departing youngsters.
After all, some children were just a little older than others.
“Well, somepony is feeling good this morning, I think.” Baked Bean lifted one hoof to shield his eyes as he entered his chambers, and he slowly approached his wife with a grin. “And me without my sunglasses.”
Celestia responded with a light laugh, and her magic gently pulled him in for a kiss. “I probably should be offended by that statement, but I am feeling rather pleased this morning. I can’t quite account for why, though. I just…” she paused, and her hoof began to run up and down her stomach as Bean laid down and rested his head on her shoulders. “I just feel so content right now. It’s like everything is in perfect harmony. I have to admit, I even feel sexy and a little bit sultry.”
“Oh? I think those pregnancy hormones are surging a bit,” Bean quipped, and moved his hoof to rub her tummy as well.
“That may be part of it, but your lingering stares have not gone unnoticed,” she added with a sly grin for him.
“You got me,” he replied with a kiss. “You have a shine about you that naturally attracts the eye, to say nothing of the extra sparkles in your mane and tail. I can’t help but stare at you in all of your resplendent glory.”
Celestia hummed a happy note, and her free hoof gently stroked his cheek. “And will I still be resplendent once Nilla is born?”
“Of course,” he said. “The sunrise and the sunset look different, but both come from the sun, and both can be equally loved. Pregnant or not, you will always be the most beautiful mare I have ever or could ever behold.”
“Good answer.” Celestia purred out her reply, and she pulled in her silver-tongued husband for another long and passionate kiss. Even after a full year of marriage, it was still nice to hear such flattery from her Bean, as his sincerity still came out in every vowel and consonant.
And, knowing her Bean the way she did, she knew his genuine words of affection and praise would always be a reflection of his deep and abiding love for her in all the years they would spend together.
Bean hummed as he pulled back slightly from her embrace, but his hoof continued to follow hers in rubbing her stomach. “While I would love to stay like this, we do have the Summer Sun Celebration to get to.”
“I suppose we do.” Celestia drew in a long breath, and she slowly stood once Bean had moved to let her. “Do you know if Corporal Larkspur’s family is here?”
“They are. Trixie told me that they were all down in the main dining room, enjoying a pre-dawn breakfast with Luna before the celebration.”
“Good. I’m glad to see that Lulu is making more friends.” Celestia smiled as Bean approached with her peytral in his hooves, and she dipped her head to him so he could slide it on. “She’s friendly enough with the ministers and the nobility, of course, but I think she needs more friends that she can fully open up to, friends that she can share her private concerns and personal victories with. Friends like you,” she said with a peck on his cheek.
“I think so too.” Bean bent sideways to grab her shoes, and he slid the first one on as he continued. “I hesitate to ask, but… well, do you think that she and Larkspur might become more than friends?”
One regal eyebrow went up. “And here I thought Cadence was the only matchmaker. Are you colluding with her, or are you two in competition with one another?”
Bean’s eyes widened. “I’m not saying she needs to marry him or anything. I just… I can’t help but wonder if they’ll be friends, or something more. That sounds bad, doesn’t it? I don’t mean to insinuate that she shouldn’t have whatever relationship she wants with him.”
“And she will, despite any outside interference,” Celestia said with a smirk. “But I do not know what will happen between them. You know of Luna’s continued devotion to Star, and we do not know how Larkspur feels. Whatever happens, we should wholeheartedly support them and their decision.”
“Oh, absolutely,” Bean hastily added.
“I only hope that Larkspur will respect her wishes and not try to force her into something she does not want,” Celestia went on.
“I doubt he’d do that,” Bean said as he slid her last shoe on. “If he was that type, he wouldn’t be in the Royal Guard, and I can’t see your sister being ‘forced’ into anything without a rather large crowbar. But I’d hate for him to think there’s something between him and Luna when there’s not.”
“As would I. However, we cannot control what happens between them, nor should we try to. Luna and Larkspur are both adults, and we will treat them as such.”
There was a wistful note in Celestia’s words, and Bean nuzzled her cheek. “Thinking of Nightmare Moon?”
Celestia nodded. “I treated my sister like a petulant child back then, and I questioned her choices far too often. I refuse to do so again.”
Bean nodded as Celestia’s magic produced his royal blue coat, and he reared up to make it easier for her to dress him. “From my laypony’s perspective, I think you do a fantastic job of that. It’s amazing to see how often you two work together on mutual solutions to particularly sticky problems. Even in the short time that I’ve known her, Luna has really grown in her position at your side.”
“I still feel that I could do more.” Celestia bit her bottom lip in thought as she fastened the brass buttons on Bean’s coat. “Perhaps it is time I ask Luna to join us during Day Court.”
“It’d be nice to have her there,” Bean agreed. “At the very least, we wouldn’t have to fill her in on the details of what happened later. I only worry that she wouldn’t be up to it if she has a long night of nightmare fighting. The petitioners might react poorly to being yawned at constantly, too.”
“I would not require her to be in attendance every day; she could come and go as she sees fit.” Celestia’s magic slid Bean’s Celestial Crystal over his head, and she smirked as her magic straightened and centered his cherished gift from Cadence and Shining Armor. “There. Just as handsome as ever, my love.”
Bean’s cheeks flared with red, and he stammered out his appreciation while his gaze went to his hooves. “Thank you. I don’t know if I’ll ever really understand why you find me attractive, but I’m so very glad that you do.”
“It’s because you’re yellow,” she said with a wink. “If you were blue, or green, or gray, then this marriage of ours wouldn’t have worked out.”
Bean snorted out a laugh. “Uh huh. Right.”
The Solar Princess leaned in and brushed her lips across his. “You, my beloved Baked Bean, could be any color in the world and I would still love you. But your yellow is like icing on the cake, as it were. It makes you all the more perfect to me.”
Their lips locked, and for several long moments, Celestia enjoyed the surge of pleasure that cascaded outward from her chest and down to her hooves. When she did finally release her Bean, his grin couldn’t be any wider, and a few faint whips of smoke rose from his mane and tail.
“Whoof!”
* * ✹ * *
“Uncle Bean!” Cadence cheerfully called out, and Bean grunted as she pulled him into a bone-crunching hug. “It feels like forever since we last saw you! How have you been? Is your leg still healing?”
“Urk!” he managed until Cadence gave him some air. “Oh, thanks. Well, my leg is as healed as it’s going to get, but my ribs might need some attention,” he quipped as she released him. “But to answer your question, I’m doing fine. It’s good to see you both, too,” he added as he gave Shining Armor a hoof bump and a quick, stallion-to-stallion hug.
“Same here,” Shining repeated. “Only a couple more months, eh?”
“It’s been a wild ride, but I think we’re both ready for Nilla to be out here with us,” Bean said with a glance up to his wife. “But we can wait. What about you and Cadence? Any big news for us?” he asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.
“Not yet,” Shining said, his demeanor and his smile drooping ever-so-slightly. “Harmony knows we’ve been trying like crazy—”
“Shiny!” Cadence jabbed her elbow into his ribs. “This isn’t exactly the best place to talk about that!”
Bean and Celestia snickered while Shining rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. “I suppose not. But I’m sure it won’t be much longer.”
“Of that, I am sure. You are staying for the National Dessert Competition later, are you not?” Celestia asked as the foursome moved towards the main gardens.
“We actually made arrangements to stay for a couple of weeks,” Cadence cheerfully replied. “Shiny and I wanted to help with any last-minute preparations that might come up for Nilla, and to start getting ready for her Crystalling. Besides, you haven’t had a baby shower yet, and I want to throw one for you! You don’t mind, do you?”
“Of course not!” Celestia wrapped her wing over her niece and gave her a small hug. “I would love to have a baby shower.”
“Don’t worry, Bean,” Shining whispered to his princely counterpart. “I’m making separate plans for us. We have a new fantasy buckball season to prepare for, and I’m not going to let you smoke me this time.”
“Beginner’s luck, I swear,” Bean replied.
“Will your family be here for the Celebration, Uncle Bean?” Cadence asked, and Bean shook his head.
“I’m sure they would like to, but there’s no way they could shut down the Zuerst. The Summer Sun Celebration is one of the busiest times of the year, so to close would be metaphorically suicidal.”
“Huh. That makes sense, but I never really thought about that part of it before,” Cadence said thoughtfully.
“They are going to take time off when Nilla is born, though,” Bean continued. “Mom loves foals, so there’s a good chance she’ll move in so she can spoil her first grandchild rotten.”
“My mother says she’ll do the same thing,” Shining Armor said with a laugh.
“I should invite Lima to the baby shower,” Cadence added. “Would she be able to come if we hold it next week?”
“She’ll figure out a way, don’t worry,” Bean said with a chuckle.
“And what about the rest of your family; your cousins and your grandparents? Would they be able to come?”
“Oh, sure. The boys in the family would just take over for the girls for that night.”
“That settles it, then. I’ll make sure they all have an invitation as soon as possible,” Cadence said with a deep smile. “Oo! Looks like a good crowd turned out this year for the Celebration, Aunt Celly.”
Bean scanned the sizable gathering for a moment, and he had to agree with Cadence’s assessment. The main garden area was nearly filled, end to end, with ponies of every color, shape, and size imaginable, and a little thrill of delight ran up Bean’s spine. He had not been able to attend a Summer Sun Celebration since his childhood, and he almost couldn’t wait for his wife to raise the sun in her dramatic style.
But the moon needed to be lowered before the sun could rise, so Luna shared a few last words with Larkspur and his family at the front of the crowd before moving to meet with her sister. The two shared a quick hug, but Luna also took a moment to give Shining Armor and Cadence one as well.
“Are we ready to begin?” Luna asked.
“If you are, dear Sister,” Celestia replied. “After you.”
The assembled Royals ascended the stairs that led to the Sigils of the Sun and Moon, but Shining, Cadence, and Bean moved off to one side while Celestia and Luna took their places in front of the intricately carved statues that represented their celestial bodies. A delighted, electric energy flowed into the air from the assembled crowd, and Bean couldn’t hold back his smile as a dozen unicorn guards blasted out a deep fanfare from the balconies above them.
“Citizens of Equestria!” Celestia’s Royal Canterlot Voice boomed out and over the eager crowd. “It is with great joy that I raise the summer sun as we celebrate the return of my sister, Princess Luna!”
The crowd broke into a wild cheer, but only for a brief moment. Luna’s horn illuminated with magic, and with one regal flap of her outstretched wings, the nocturnal diarch took to the sky and hovered in place as the moon sank below the horizon.
Celestia then took to the air, her horn alight, and the sun rose from behind the eastern horizon as she also hovered in place before the sun statue. A glorious burst of light flooded the sky, washing over every pony and filling the entirety of existence with the joy and power of a new dawn and a new day.
For Bean, it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. His chest swelled with love and delight as he beheld his beloved, in all of her glorious majesty—and a slight baby bump—silhouetted by the sun behind her, and he was the first to cheer when she and Luna touched down on the stage once more.
He was the luckiest stallion in the whole of Equestria, no doubt about it.
But as the crowd cheered and the Sisters waved, Baked Bean took a moment to lock away how he felt right at that moment. He wanted to save everything—the sight, the thoughts, and the feelings—and keep them deep within him in an eternal remembrance. In all the years that he would spend with Celestia, he wanted to always have this Summer Sun Celebration to hold, and to remind him of what he truly had been given in his relationship with the Eternal Mare of the Morning.
Out of the corner of his eye, Bean thought he saw a faint light coming from his Celestial Crystal. When he held it up, though, it still looked the same as it always did, and he passed off what he had seen as a reflection.
“Well?” Celestia nuzzled his cheek, booped his nose, and then gave him a kiss. “What did you think?”
Bean hesitated for a moment, but his grin grew while he assembled his thoughts. “When I was a colt, my parents took me to a Summer Sun Celebration in Las Pegasus, and I can still remember how awesome it was when I saw you raise the sun that day. It was so graceful, so dramatic. I don’t remember what you said, but I’ll never forget how I felt.
“This Summer Sun Celebration will be exactly the same, my love,” he went on, and he felt like he might explode in joy as he nuzzled her neck and received a pleased nicker from her in response. “I will never forget how absolutely amazing and perfect everything is right now. Thank you, my dear and sweet Celestia.”
* * ✹ * *
“Luna?” Baked Bean glanced around the open throne room door, and he chuckled when he saw Larkspur and his family with the nocturnal princess. At that moment, Larkspur’s three kids were all perched on Luna’s throne, and the princess was taking a picture.
“Ah, Bean!” Luna motioned for him to approach, and she turned her attention back to the young fillies. “Marigold, Constance, Tumbleweed, this is Prince Baked Bean. I do believe you wanted to meet him, yes?”
Bean laughed as three pairs of eyes went wide in awe, but he had no hope of understanding the explosion of words that erupted as the three tumbled down from the dias and surrounded him. He thought heard one of them ask how he managed to boop Celestia’s nose, and he was pretty sure the one with a black eye said something about his fight with Tirek, but beyond that, he was hopelessly lost.
“Quite the energetic bunch you have here, Corporal,” Bean quipped to the guard, who smiled sheepishly.
“At the moment, I’m only claiming one of them, sir. The wild ones are my sister’s.”
“Lark!” The peach colored mare tried to jab her elbow into her brother’s ribs, but the effort was deflected by the Corporal’s armor.
“My sister, Mint Julep, sir,” Larkspur said with a laugh.
“A pleasure to have you and your family here, Miss Julep,” Bean replied with a grin. “Is Princess Luna giving you the grand tour?”
“She is, but if my kids don’t quit horsing around, we’re going home right now!” Mint Julep shouted to two of the three fillies who had begun to wrestle in the middle of the room. “Sorry, Your Highness. They just don’t know how to behave some days.”
“They’re kids,” Bean said with a shrug and a chuckle. “I don’t blame them.”
“Where is Princess Celestia?” the small blue unicorn in front of Bean asked.
“Constance, right?” Bean asked, and she nodded. “Phew! I’m glad I heard your name right. Princess Celestia is actually taking care of a few personal matters, but she is looking forward to meeting you at the Dessert Competition later. You will be attending, I hope?”
“Will we get to eat any of the desserts?” Tumbleweed asked as she cartwheeled in front of the group.
“A few samples, but I’m pretty extra sure your Mom and your Dad don’t want the three of you to load up on sugar,” Bean said with a knowing grin for Mint and Larkspur.
“If there are any samples to be had,” Luna quipped.
Bean tilted his head as Luna took a long sip from her Because I’m the Princess, That’s Why coffee mug. “Why wouldn’t there be?”
Luna chortled. “Bean, you are severely underestimating how powerful pregnancy cravings are for alicorns. Celestia is going to spend the entire afternoon stuffing her face with sweets until she is as big as a whale, and I intend to be there to watch the carnage and to capture the moment for future enjoyment. Say cheese!”
“Gah!” Bean cried as he was suddenly blinded by the flash of Luna’s camera, and he staggered back a step.
“Now, was there something you needed?” Luna asked, her magic working the crank on her camera to advance the film.
“Celly wanted me to ask if you still planned on attending the competition,” Bean replied with a few rapid blinks to clear his vision. “She wasn’t sure if you needed to go to bed.”
“Tell her I appreciate her concern, but I am fine,” Luna replied. “I will take a short respite once I am done giving Mint Julep and her family the tour, and that will be sufficient for my needs.”
“I’ll tell her that,” Bean said with a nod to Mint Julep. “I’m afraid I need to run, but I will see you later.”
“Of course, Your Highness.” Mint Julep bowed, then gasped as she came back up. “Marigold! Put that back right now!”
“Aw, Mom!” Marigold protested in return.
“Until this afternoon,” Bean said, and he chuckled to himself as he left and Mint Julep sprinted over to Marigold’s position. He knew from first-hoof experience at the Zuerst that young fillies and colts at that age could be hyperactive bundles of destruction, and if Nilla did end up being an alicorn…
There would be a very good chance that the palace would have more holes in the walls than a changeling had holes in their legs. From the whole hive.
But it would be worth it. Celestia most likely knew of some nullification spells that could be used to mitigate the damage, and it was good for kids to be curious.
“Bean!” Shining Armor’s voice cut into his thoughts, and Bean slowed for a moment to allow the Prince of the Crystal Empire to catch up to him. “Here you are. Aunt Celestia and Cady are waiting for us. Did you find Aunt Luna?”
“I did, and she’s going to join us later,” Bean said. “Right now, her hooves are full with Corporal Larkspur and Mint Julep’s little group.”
Shining nodded, and drew in a deep breath. “I’m glad the Princess is getting Lark to open up a bit. He’s a solid soldier, but he’s always been lacking in ambition. He’s just… I always got the feeling that he was just going through the motions, y’know? He didn’t put his heart into anything, and that’s held him back. I’d love to promote him, but his performance is so average, I can’t justify it.”
“Hopefully that will change,” Bean said. “But I bet Luna will push him, too.”
“In more ways than one, I bet.” Shining chuckled. “C’mon. Let’s catch up to the girls.”
* * ✹ * *
“I don’t know how I got roped into this.” Cozy Homes drew in a long breath as she stepped onto the train platform, and her gaze dropped to the small blue colt with a blondish-red mane who followed in her wake. “And I expect you to be on your best behavior, young colt. I don’t want a repeat of the Princess Summit, understand?”
Flint Hearthstone rolled his eyes. “I understood it the first five times you told me, mother. I will behave myself.”
Despite his annoyance, Flint truly had no intention of ‘misbehaving.’ He would be a good little colt, because that was the last thing any of the ponies would expect.
This was not an attack opportunity. This was reconnaissance.
“After all… Shéi zhīdào shénme shíhòu gāi zhàndòu, shénme shíhòu bù gāi zhàndòu, tā jiù huì yíng,” he continued.
“Is that Neighponese?” Cozy asked.
“It’s Manedarin.”
“Well I’m impressed, sweetie. Your time at the library has expanded your horizons.”
“Quite.” Flint had no intention of telling his mother why he had suddenly become interested in libraries and books—especially books on the history of Equestria and the Two Nags—as he had no desire to sit through another lecture about his so-called ‘anger management issues.’
“Oh!” Cozy cried out to a pony who was exiting the train. “Watch out for the peppermint! Dear me, this Dessert Competition is just not worth it.”
“I said that from the beginning,” Flint muttered, but then he cleared his throat. “Since you will be busy with that for the rest of the day, may I be excused to go to the Royal Archives?”
Flint suppressed his involuntary gag, and inwardly, he snarled. The King of the Dragons should not have to use such insipid and worthless words like ‘please’ and ‘may I,’ but he knew he had to swallow his pride for this one moment if he wanted to get away from a day filled with sickening pony foods.
Food was fuel, nothing more. Why waste the time with decorating it and stuffing it full of sugars and spices?
“I don’t know,” Cozy replied, a wary look on her face. “You tried to break into the restricted section last time.”
“I have learned my lesson,” Flint said flatly. “I will stay in the public area.” For now.
“I think I’d rather have you stay with me,” Cozy said.
“Fine.” Flint shrugged. He knew full well that his mother would be too busy with the competition to keep a proper eye on him, so it would be easy enough to slip away undetected later.
“But I suppose that would be pretty boring for you, wouldn’t it?” Cozy scrunched up her nose as she thought the matter over, then sighed. “Fine, you can go. But for my sake, please stay out of trouble. If the Royal Guard brings you back to me again, you’ll be grounded until you die.”
“You first.”
“What was that?”
“Enjoy your desserts.” Flint forced his face to stay neutral, and he offered an answer that would be pleasing to pony ears, and thus get his mother out of his way. “I will be on my best behavior. Pinkie Promise.”
Flint then crossed his heart, pantomimed sticking a cupcake in his eye, and held back a snarl. Celestia and Luna were going to pay dearly for these humiliations, and he would make sure their sufferings were both exquisite and prolonged.
His thoughts of vengeance were interrupted by a rattling garbage can next to them, and before he had time to react, a pink blur erupted out of it and tackled him, pinning his shoulders to the ground.
“Get off me you lunatic!” Flint roared in fury.
“You made a Pinkie Promise!” Pinkie Pie gave Flint a surprisingly effective death glare, and her nose dropped to touch his. “And when somepony makes a Pinkie Promise, they keep it! Forever!”
“Pinkie Pie?” Cozy glanced around the platform, then back to the exuberant party mare. “How did you…”
“For-eh-ver!” Pinkie whispered while pointing to her eyes, then to Flint with a hoof. The diminutive former dragon lord snarled as he stood, and he mentally added the pink menace to his list of ponies to eliminate as soon as was practical. Again.
With that, Pinkie bounded away with a smile and a happy song, leaving Flint to fume and Cozy to stare on in surprised confusion.
“That was... strange,” Cozy commented, but she shook her head. “But that’s Pinkie Pie for you. I’ll come find you when I get done with the competition, sweetie. Go have fun. But not too much fun,” she hastily added.
Flint nodded once more, and with a grin, he began to walk. While the white sow’s records of their titanic fight were beyond his reach, there were other ways to get to the information, and more specifically, where the clash had ended. Flint was no fool, and with enough time and study, he could extrapolate what he needed from the other historical records that he did have access to.
It was the key to his future victory.
Of course, all of that was secondary to his true reasons for visiting the Archive. No fortress was completely invulnerable, no matter how well it was constructed, and Flint was determined to find whatever weak points he could. Those weaknesses would then be exploited when his day of reckoning came, and the Sisters would finally taste of his vengeance.
And eliminating them with this pathetic excuse of a body would be the icing on the cake, as ponies liked to say.
With the thought of icing, his tiny tummy gave a rumble, which only aggravated his mood with the thought of fuel for his expedition. Just a single cupcake to prevent audible alerts for nearby guards couldn’t hurt. Or maybe two, since it might take some time.
* * ✹ * *
“Ah, there you are!” Doctor Horsenpfeffer greeted Baked Bean and Shining Armor with a sly grin. “I was just about to sic your wife on you.”
“Sorry. Trixie had a few things I needed to sign real quick,” Bean said as he shut the drawing room door.
“Is everything okay?” Celestia asked.
“Yeah. Just a couple of requisition requests for more stained-glass window glue.”
“They’re making good progress,” Cadence noted. “I suppose that means you were not as destructive as you thought.”
“I was destructive enough,” he said softly.
“Before we go down that little rabbit hole of self-pity, let’s move on, shall we?” Horsenpfeffer said, her magic leaping out to pull down a portable movie screen that had been set up in one corner of the room. “There we go.”
“So, what is this?” Bean asked as he snuggled up next to Celestia.
“Since Celestia’s due date is rapidly approaching, and since Shining Armor and Cadence are trying to have a foal, I have a short movie I want all of you to watch.” Horsenpfeffer began to fiddle with a projector on the other end of the room. “I’ve found that knowing how a live birth works helps when the time comes for a patient to have their own, so we’re going to take a little trip back to health class. Hopefully, most of what is presented will look familiar, but if not, then we can cover it and I can answer any questions you might have.”
Bean squirmed a bit. “Um, do we really need to watch this? I think I understand how the process works. In the abstract, that is. Not that I’ve ever… I mean, you’re going be there taking care of the… actual event, right? I’ll just be observing. From the other end. Helping support. I understand there are ice chips involved,” he added in a hopeful tone.
“I’m sure you learned about the birthing process in school, and I won’t force you to watch this,” Horsenpfeffer replied. “But I would strongly suggest it, and so would Banana Split. As a midwife, she shows this same movie to all of her patients, too.”
“You two know each other?” Bean asked.
“I’ve known Mama Nana for a long time, Your Highness,” Horsenpfeffer replied with a smile. “I was the one who recommended her to Wysteria.”
“There won’t be a test at the end of this, my love,” Celestia said with a giggle and a kiss. “I think it would be good for both of us to watch this. I even made popcorn,” she added as her magic produced a large tub of the treat.
Cadence’s ears snapped up, and she licked her lips in anticipation. “Oo, I’d like some popcorn, please.”
“Well, okay,” Bean said slowly. “But I really don’t think this is necessary.”
The solar prince tried to settle in next to his wife as Horsenpfeffer started the film. The movie began with some distorted music that slowly twisted to the proper tone, and a splash screen appeared, which normally would have put Bean at ease except for the actual words that were being projected in bold, red letters.
From the producers of
Blood on the Skyway! A first look at pegasus flight for school foals
High Impact Films is proud to present
An educational film for new parents
Before, During, and After Birth! Presented in goreious technicalcolor
Bean swallowed hard. He was not going to like this movie.
* * ✹ * *
Flint snorted as he glanced up and down the hallway, and though he was loathed to admit it, Celestia had done a respectable job of securing the location of their final confrontation.
He paused for a moment, pondering the implications of this. “It seems I have underestimated you, Celestia. Clearly, our ancient battle exposed your own weakness to yourself, and you have learned your lesson well. But I will not be denied, and these walls will not protect you from my wrath. You will pay for what you have done.”
The cursed fromer dragon gritted his teeth, and the memories of his legendary battle with the Two Hags of Equestria came back to him. Though their conflict had occurred over a thousand years ago in pony time, to Flint, it still felt like it had been but a few short days. Of course, this was because he had been born in this frail, useless pony body as soon as he’d been killed by Luna’s meteor, and Flint let the anger from those memories and his current form fuel his drive and resolve.
Like their fire, a dragon’s vengeance was unquenchable, and that same vengeance would incinerate those who had opposed and cursed him.
“Flint! Hold it right there!” A guard called out, and his horn flared with magic as he advanced.
Flint snarled and cursed his loud and traitorous stomach. “Slag off. I’m not doing anything wrong, Pinhead!”
“Oh?” Corporal Quillpoint him a dubious glare. “Then why are you here in the palace?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but if you must know, I’m here with my ‘mother.’ She’s competing in your trite little competition of trifles.”
Quill scoffed. “Right. Your mother is a real estate agent. She probably doesn’t even know you’re here, does she?”
“You calling me a liar?” His eyes flashed and teeth barred.
“Yup.” Quill flatly answered. “You're an insidious little psychopath who’d say or do anything to get his way.”
“Go jump off a balcony,” Flint snapped, but his ire rolled off the Royal Guard like water off a duck, and that irritated him all the more. “She knows full well where I am. I even have her permission to be here.”
“Why don’t we verify that with the source, what say?” The dutiful guard gave Flint a shove, and promptly put up a small shield to block Flint’s attempt to slug him and bite his leg. “C’mon. Move.”
“Don’t you dare think for a moment I will be cowed by the likes of you!” Flint bared his teeth and took up a defensive stance.
Quillpoint shifted his gaze to the scruff of Flint’s neck, as if he were considering carrying the defiant dragon king like a baby kitten.
“I will skin you if you try it,” snarled Flint.
Quillpoint did not move, although he did lick his lips as if he were not looking forward to the trip either.
Flint snorted, then spat on the ground in defiance. “Fine. But you will pay for this, mark my words.”
“I’ve heard worse from Wysteria in one of her rare good moods.” Quillpoint jerked his head in the direction of the corridor. “Let’s go.”
“Corporal Quillpoint.” Sergeant Clover Leaf nodded as Quill saluted. “And Flint Hearthstone! Well, this is an unexpected surprise. I would have buffed up my armor if I had known we would be hosting dignitaries today.”
“Your head will be the first I mount on a pike,” Flint said, the venom thick on his words.
“Still such a flatterer,” Clover tittered. “What brings you by today, my diminutive draconian friend?”
“I picked him up near the west wing,” Quill offered.
“Is that so?” Clover’s eyebrow angled up slightly. “Any particular reason why you’d be over there, Mister Dragon King?”
“Is knowledge a crime?” Flint snapped. “I was merely walking to the archives when I was picked up by the beta male.”
“You're breaking my heart, half-pint,” Clover replied. “I don’t suppose you wanted to get into that restricted section again, did you? I thought we talked you out of that last time.”
“Forever!” Pinkie Pie suddenly interjected, and she dropped down from the ceiling on a length of rope. “You Pinkie Promised!”
“Where in the world...” Quill asked as he studied where Pinkie had dropped in from, and just as rapidly vanished.
Flint glared at Clover. “This is asinine and a waste of my time. Unless you’re going to arrest me for doing something I didn’t actually do, I demand you release me!”
“Corporal?” Clover asked.
“Well, he wasn’t doing anything at that moment,” Quill confessed. “But he was heading toward the archive.”
“Care to elaborate?” Clover gave a questioning glance to Flint.
“I am going to use parasprites on you. Ravenous ones. Did I elaborate enough?” Flint growled.
“Mm, wrong answer.” Clover nodded to Quill, who fell in behind the furious colt. “See, I was thinking about letting you go, since you didn’t actually do anything, but now I think you need to have a chat with Princess Celestia. I hear you’re her number one fan.”
Flint’s eyes narrowed, and for a moment, his face twisted in rage. But then, he forced himself back to neutral, and he shrugged. Reconnaissance was his goal, and these two lap dogs were playing right into his plans. If they took him to Celestia, he would be able to see parts of the palace that would normally be guarded and thus off-limits to himself.
With luck, she’d be in her personal chambers, and a pony’s innate desire for comfort would mean that her defences were weaker there.
“Fine,” he said. “After all, I promised to behave.”
From somewhere above them, a familiar voice recited, “And breaking a Pinkie Promise is the fastest way to lose a friend! Forever!”
Clover gave up looking for where Pinkie was hiding and shook her head. “I am so glad she lives in Ponyville.”
Flint Hearthstone was never surprised.
If you were surprised, you were dead. He had become King of the Drakes by being smarter than the smartest and tougher than the toughest, and he prided himself on being able to adjust and adapt to any situation, and thus ensure that all events worked out in his favor.
The one and only time that he had been surprised was when he had fought Celestia and Luna, and the outcome of that epic struggle only proved the point.
So, when Flint rounded a corner and found himself nearly face-to-face with a light pink and a yellow guard who looked like they were made of a crystalline material, he was not surprised. Perhaps a bit taken aback, and definitely intrigued, but not surprised. Startled, at best.
“Sergeant Toola-Roola, Sergeant Splash Down.” Clover saluted to her crystal counterparts. “Corporal Quillpoint and I need to speak with Princess Celestia about a trespasser.”
Toola-Roola glanced over Flint. “This cute little guy?”
“Flint is a lot of things, but ‘cute’ ain’t one of them,” Quillpoint flatly said.
Toola-Roola shrugged. “They’re all just watching that birthing video, so I guess you can interrupt.”
Clover nodded to Quillpoint, and the Corporal nudged Flint up to the door, despite the colt’s growl of annoyance. After a quick knock, the door swung open, and for the second time in as many minutes, Flint had to adjust to an unusual sight.
A sight that would be vastly improved if it involved the dismemberment of a pony, instead of a birth. Though the amount of blood on the movie screen was impressive—and brought back a few fond memories of Flint’s prior victories over his unworthy adversaries—the other birthing bits took away any enjoyment he might have drawn from the sight.
“Mammals are disgusting,” Flint muttered.
“Corporal,” Celestia greeted the guard, nodded to Flint, and turned her attention back to the screaming mare on the screen. “Flint. Good to see you again. I’m afraid I’m a bit occupied at the moment, so if you want to fight me, you’ll need to wait.”
There was a healthy, almost pregnant-sized pause, and Flint glanced up to his tormentor. A grin came when he saw Quillpoint’s horrified expression, and he snickered when the pale-looking guard lifted a trembling hoof to point at the screen.
“That’s birth?!”
“Yes,” Celestia casually replied, and she tossed some popcorn kernels in her mouth. “But since Wysteria will have a c-section for her twins, the process will look quite different for you.”
“Your Highness.” Clover cleared her throat. “We picked up Flint just outside the archives again.”
“You did?” Celestia asked. “Forgive me, Sergeant, but I didn’t think it was against the law to walk down a hallway.”
“HAH!” Flint blurted.
“Well, Your Highness, we were concerned that he might attempt to access the restricted section again.”
“But he didn’t actually try,” Celestia clarified.
“No, Your Highness.”
“HAH! HAH!” Flint couldn’t hold back his laugh even if he had wanted to. Which he most certainly did not.
“Then I fail to see the problem, Sergeant,” Celestia went on. “If he does try to break in, then by all means, have him arrested. Until then, I suggest you let him go. I don’t think it would be appropriate for my guards to be arresting ponies based on nothing more than suspicion, do you?”
“No, Your Highness.”
“Perhaps we could arrange for an escort to assist him in his endeavors,” Celestia thoughtfully added.
“HAH… ha?” Flint’s laugh dropped off once he registered what had been said.
“What a wonderful idea, Your Highness!” Clover said with a smirk. “I’m sure Flint would love some help. He is rather short, after all, and those bookcases are terribly tall.”
“Hah!” Quillpoint blurted to the now indignant colt.
“Carry on, then. Oh, and send up a few more sick bags, would you? I think my husband is going to need them. Would you like some popcorn? Bean seems to have lost his appetite.”
“No thank you, Princess.” Clover saluted, turned, and pulled Quillpoint out of the doorway by his ear. Once out in the hall, the Crystal guards snickered all the more as the Sergeant glared daggers at her compatriots from the Empire.
“It’s not funny,” she shot. “You have no idea what this little fiend is capable of.”
“For once, I agree with you completely,” Flint said with a deep scowl. “I’m leaving now.”
“Quill, you stick with him and ‘assist,’” Clover said. “We’re going to keep a very close eye on you, trust me.”
* * ✹ * *
“Captain Armor, Prince Bean.” Sergeant Hokey Pokey saluted his superiors. “The final security sweep of the competition has been completed, and we are ready to begin at any time. We expect the…” Pokey trailed off, and a confused look overtook him. “Um, Prince Bean, sir? Are you okay?”
Baked Bean continued to stare straight ahead, like somepony had taken Mount Canter and bashed it over his head. His mouth moved for a moment, but nothing intelligible came out.
“Captain?” Pokey asked. “Should I summon Doctor Horsenpfeffer?”
“No. She’s the one that did this to him,” Shining Armor said with a grin. “Seems that poor Bean here was absent on the day they talked about how foals are born in health class. He’ll be fine in an hour or two. Hopefully.”
“Did you know the placenta is usually expelled within thirty minutes of birth, but can take upwards of three hours?” Bean said to nopony in particular. “I didn’t. Now I do.”
“C’mon, I think you need to lie down for a bit,” Shining Armor gave Bean a nudge with his hoof, and the shell-shocked father-to-be began to walk straight ahead.
“I hate to think of how he’d react to our combat first aid course, sir,” Pokey said to his superior while walking alongside Bean.
“So do I. Go let Princess Celestia and Cady know that they should get started without Bean and me. I’ll keep an eye on him until he snaps out of this, and then we’ll meet up with them.
“Understood, sir,” Pokey replied.
“Sergeant?” Shining Armor called out as Pokey began to walk away. “Where is Chrysalis right now?”
“At my house, sir,” he replied.
“Should we expect a visit from her later?”
“Never say never, sir, but I wouldn’t count on it. She claims that stealing emotions at a dessert competition is like trying to eat a carrot with ten pounds of sugar poured on it. I have no idea how or why that is, though.”
Shining snorted and rolled his eyes. “All this time, and we could have defeated her if we’d just constructed a wall of eclairs.”
“My thoughts exactly, sir.”
“Well, keep an eye out for her all the same, and let me know if there are any sightings. Also, our favorite former dragon decided to come to the competition with his pony mother today, so keep an eye on him too.”
“Flint?” Pokey groaned. “Great. That’s just what we need.”
“Thank you for inviting me to come to the dessert competition with you, Aunt Celly,” Cadence said with a broad grin. “With all of those wonderful smells coming from the grand ballroom, I was hoping I might be able to enjoy a few samples.”
“It has smelled rather succulent throughout the whole palace today, hasn’t it?” Celestia agreed with a laugh. “I’m eager to see what has been created myself. I’m told that there have been more entries this year than ever before.”
“I’d hate to be one of the judges,” Cadence said. “I don’t think I could pick a favorite.”
“Nor I,” Celestia agreed. “But we should try to save something for our husbands and Luna, no matter how tempting the offerings are.”
“I had no idea that Uncle Bean had such an aversion to biology,” Cadence said as they approached the open doors of the ballroom. “I hope he recovers soon.”
“I’m sure he’ll be fine. He just needs some time to process the information, that’s all. Now, where shall we begin?” Celestia’s wings extended as she licked her lips and looked over the dozens of desserts in her palace. “Perhaps we start with the saltwater taffy, and then we work our way over to the watalappam?”
“I’d like to look at the lemon meringue first, and then we could swing over to the shortcakes,” Cadence offered, her own wings flaring upwards as she sniffed the air. “Oh, like it matters where we start! It all looks so… so tempting. I just want to start at one table and eat my way down.”
“I like your battle strategy,” Celestia said with a laugh. “C’mon. Those tiramisus look rather tempting. Let’s try those first.”
“You sure you’re okay?” Shining Armor asked once more as he and Baked Bean rounded a corner. “You’re still looking a little pale.”
“I’m fine,” Bean said weakly. “Or, at least I will be. Maybe I can get that movie out of my head if I go stuff my gob with some galaktoboureko.”
“You know, we all went through the same process at least once,” Shining quipped. “So it can’t be all that bad.”
“That thought does not help,” Bean groaned while grabbing his gut and dry heaving. “Let’s just get to the competition.”
“I guess it’s a good thing you hired that assistant,” Shining said as the princes rounded a corner and moved towards the ballroom. “Banana Split, right?”
Bean nodded. “Yeah. She’ll be assisting Doctor Horsenpfeffer during the birth, so I’m hoping the only thing I need to do during labor is feed Celestia ice chips. That should keep me as far away from—” he swallowed hard “—the other end as possible.”
“You’ll do fine,” Shining Armor said with a playful punch to Bean’s shoulder. “And then, you can give me pointers on what to do.”
Bean grimly thought over the possibility of being turned into a turnip by his vengeful wife while she was in the throes of a sharp labor pain. “Make sure her horn isn’t pointing towards you? Some mares threaten their husbands during labor, mine can put me on the moon. In pieces.”
I wouldn’t worry about that.” Shining shrugged. “Yeah, she might blast you to the moon, but I think she’d keep you in one piece. Probably.”
Bean started to say something, cut himself off, and then proceeded anyway, mostly to get his mind off of his future as a royal vegetable. “I’m a bit surprised you and Cadence haven’t gotten pregnant already. Seems like the Alicorn of Love should have no problems with that.”
“So, you’re saying that I’m the problem?” Shining said with a smirk.
“Oh! No, not at all!” Bean rapidly waved a hoof in the air, as if he was trying to erase the thought. “I mean, I guess it could be you, but I’m not saying that it’s you. There could be...um, something wrong with… with Cadence, and… and I think I’d better stop now, before I dig this hole any deeper,” he sheepishly finished.
“It’s cool,” Shining said. “And, much as I don’t want to admit it, there is a chance that Cady and I haven’t had any success because of me. Truth be told, that’s one of the main reasons we came to Canterlot for the Summer Sun Celebration. We wanted to meet with Horsenpfeffer and see if there was some kind of test that could be run to figure this out. I mean, it’s not for lack of trying, of course. Cady and I…” Shining stalled, then cleared his throat. “Well, I’ll just say that there are multiple efforts in a day and leave it at that.”
“You animal,” Bean chortled.
“You’re just as bad, and don’t deny it,” Shining shot right back with a grin. “Anyway, it’s been difficult on both of us, but especially on Cady. She’s starting to worry that we’ll never have a foal, and then she starts to worry about what other ponies will think about that. She knows it’s silly, but she can’t help but fret.”
“That would be hard,” Bean said with a nod. “I don’t know how I’d feel if it was me and Celly who couldn’t get pregnant.”
“No matter what happens, though, Cadence and I will pull through it together,” Shining said firmly. “Even if we can’t have foals, I’ll still have her, and that’s all anypony could ever ask for in a lifetime of wishing. Besides, we’ve only been trying for a few months. My Uncle Tree Sap and Aunt Velveteen tried for I don’t know how long before they got their first, and a full ten years between the first and second. And then their third a year later. And their fourth. And their fifth. Just pop, pop, pop like popcorn until we thought they were trying to field a buckball team.”
Bean nodded as they made the last turn to the ballroom. “True. You’re both young, you still have lots of time. Just stay positive, and—”
“Excuse me, Your Highnesses!” A pony shouted. “Emergency!”
Bean and Shining stepped back, but they both gasped when they saw who was on the gurney that the pony medic was pushing. “Chef Gustav? What happened?” Bean asked.
“Two flats of cake,” the trembling griffon replied, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “Three dozen cupcakes. A four foot long coffee cake, and still… they just keep coming!”
“Who just keeps coming?” Shining Armor asked.
“I’m sorry, no more questions.” The medic hastily pushed the blubbering, sobbing griffon chef away, leaving both princes to glance at each other for a moment before they both quickly trotted to the ballroom.
There wasn’t a word in the dictionary that Baked Bean could think of that could adequately describe the scene that he found, so he created a new one.
Alicarnage.
Shining Armor gave a low whistle as he looked over the devastation. “I’ve seen my share of battlefields, but this one has got to take the cake. Literally.”
Bean nodded, and the princes tiptoed into the room and around the dessert destruction. There were chunks of cocadas scattered between the bits of brownies, smashed spritzkuchen splayed across the floor, and chocolate… well, everywhere.
Chocolate here, chocolate there, and chocolate way over there, staining the far wall. There was even chocolate dripping from several spots on the ceiling.
The contestants stood around the scene in a confused stupor, with a number of ponies poking at the scattered remnants of their pies and pastries, seeming unable to process what had just happened. One of the judges offered what remained of a donut to a mare who was crying over a glass of spilled milk, and the offering seemed to soothe her pain, if only by a touch.
“What in the wide world of Equestria happened here?” Shining Armor asked. “And where is… Cady…”
The question was answered when the princes’ gaze moved to the corner of the hall. Princess Celestia was happily chewing on a large caramel apple, her muzzle coated in whipped cream, cherry cordial sauce, and sprinkles. Like some terrible offering to an insatiable deity of confection, the floor around both of them was littered with the crumbs and wrappers of a hundred saccharine sacrifices, some politely unwrapped, others shredded with tooth marks and various signs of vicious carnage. Luna stood nearby with Mint Julep and her children, and the nocturnal Princess cackled with delight as she took another picture and her guests gaped at the sight in awe.
“Where is she putting it all?” Marigold asked.
“I’ve heard of eating for two—” Mint Julep began.
“Hundred,” Tumbleweed added.
“—but this is just crazy,” Mint finished.
“I did say that an alicorn’s cravings are not to be taken lightly,” Luna noted.
“I’m more worried about Princess Cadence,” Constance said. “If I tried to eat that many eclairs, I’d be sick for a whole year.”
“Not to worry. I am sure both Princesses will be fine, once they have had their fill,” Luna casually said while snapping another picture.
“Uh...” managed Shining Armor, reaching out to restrain his spouse. “Dear?”
“Don’t,” said Bean, giving him a solid tug back. “You’ll lose a hoof. Really, I haven’t seen an alicorn go into pastry like that since...”
Bean stopped talking, and eventually Shining Armor turned to look at him. “Pregnancy test?” he asked.
“Pregnancy test,” said Bean. “Once she’s done eating. If she gets done eating.”
From the other corner of the ballroom, Flint allowed himself a contented grin, and he took a slow bite of the cupcake that he had pilfered before that fat wench of a princess and her nauseating niece had charged the desserts head-on.
This little trip had been far more revelatory than he’d expected.
“Well, I suppose that’s the end of the competition,” Cozy Homes said, her gaze on the few shards of peppermint in her hooves that had survived the onslaught. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to spend much time in the archives, Flint.”
Flint’s grin grew. “The day was not a total loss. Future endeavors shall prove very… interesting.”
“Maybe your father can bring you back, once everything is cleaned up.” Cozy hesitated when a loud dragon’s roar rattled the windows, but she went on when she realized the roar was merely a stentorian belch from one of the princesses. “That might take a while, though.”
“Very interesting indeed,” Flint cackled.
* * ✹ * *
Shining Armor paced the hallway in front of the infirmary, a worried scowl betraying his inner concerns. Cadence had finally finished her campaign against all cream puffs within smelling distance, but only because there wasn’t anything else to devour. Although she had licked a piece of pie off one of the contestants on the way out.
The poor mare had fainted, most probably thinking about her dire fate as dessert.
Anyway, once Cadence had realized the full extent of her rampage, she had willingly allowed herself to be led to Doctor Horsenpfeffer for a test, and now all there was to do was wait.
Wait, and worry. But only for Shining Armor. Baked Bean, for his part, was as cool as a cucumber, and his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth while he scrubbed a stubborn streak of nougat that ran from his wife’s cutie mark to somewhere under her wing.
“I feel so horrible for the contestants,” Celestia said. “They all worked so hard, and then I came along and devoured everything.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it, love,” Bean offered. “None of the contestants got eaten, after all.”
“I hear they determined the winner based on licked plates and who had the least amount of dessert remaining,” Trixie offered with a smirk. “And now nopony has to worry about leftovers.”
“That doesn’t help,” Celestia said flatly.
“Never fear, Your Highness. The Great and Powerful Trixie is an expert when it comes to apologies, and I’m nearly done with your ‘please forgive me for ruining the competition’ letter,” Trixie said with a quick flourish of the quill in her magic. “None will question your sincerity or your remorse after this.”
“What’s taking so long?” Shining Armor asked as he marched past the door once more. “I thought these things were supposed to be fast!”
“Those cheap tests from the corner market are, but they’re not very accurate,” Trixie said. “Doctor Horsenpfeffer is probably doing a blood test.”
“And how do you know that?” Bean asked with a sly grin.
“I’m not at liberty to say.” Trixie stuck her nose in the air and turned away from Bean. “Just trust that Trixie knows how these things work.”
Just then, the door to the infirmary swung open, and Doctor Horsenpfeffer emerged with a petulant looking Cadence right behind her. Her wings still had a smattering of sprinkles stuck in them, and it looked like several pieces of taffy had somehow gotten stuck in her mane.
“Well, I just finished with the metal detection spell, and you’ll all be happy to know that neither princess managed to ingest any cutlery. I thought for sure those missing spoons would be in there, though.” The good doctor paused, shrugged, then continued. “Of course, despite the mineral content, spoons are not a good source of prenatal nutrition.”
“But what about the test?” Shining went nose-to-nose with his wife, and he looked like he would explode. “What did the test say?”
“Oh, Shiny,” Cadence softly whispered, and her hoof reached up to caress his cheek. “We’ve been trying so hard, and now…”
Shining pulled back slightly and gave Cadence a sad smile. “Hey, it’s okay. We’ll just try again.”
“Oh, I don’t intend on stopping, Shiny,” Cadence whispered into his ear. “We’re just going to have to be more careful for a few months until the birth.”
It took a moment for the meaning of Cadence’s statement to penetrate the thick guard’s head, but as it did so, his eyes widened and a huge smile took over his face. “Cady?! Are you really…”
“Yes!” Cadence laughed and sobbed with thick tears running down her cheeks. “I’m pregnant, Shiny! We’re going to have a foal!”
“What?! That’s...oh!” Shining pulled his wife into a tight hug and cheered over the cracks and pops that came when his wife hugged him back. “That’s wonderful news!”
“I believe you are one month along, give or take a week,” Doctor Horsenpfeffer added with a grin. “Congratulations, Your Highnesses.”
“Luna and Twilight had better be careful,” Bean quipped as he shared a kiss with Celestia. “Looks like there might be something in the water.”
Some distance away, Big Mac suddenly looked up from the tree he was harvesting.
“Anything wrong, Mac?” asked Applejack, who began to look around at the cloudless sky.
“Eeynope,” said Big Mac before returning to his task. “Just thought I heard something.”
“Wow! I can’t believe she ate the whole thing!” Pinkie exclaimed. “That must have been the most super-yummiest yurla ever!”
“When you’re right, you’re right, and you are most definitely right!” Cheese Sandwich replied. “I only wish I still had some to share with you.”
“Aw, that’s okay. I’m sure you’ll make more, and then we can share!” Pinkie said with a smile.
A sudden shiver passed through both of the party-goers, and after a moment, Pinkie glanced over to Cheese. “Cheesy Sense?”
He nodded. “Pinkie Sense?”
“I’ve only felt a chill like that once before,” Pinkie said. “Whatever it is, it must be a real doozy!”
“But what could be so doozy that it would give both of us such a doozy of a doozy?” Cheese asked.
Pinkie started to reply, but then her gaze went to her tail. Cheese’s eyes followed hers, and when he saw what she saw, they both blushed in unison.
“Our tails are twined together,” Cheese said softly.
Sergeant Hokey Pokey awoke with a snort and a snuffle, and his joints popped as he groaned and rolled over in his bed. Never going to play any kind of drinking game with Chrysalis ever again. Ever! All those holes in her legs must be so the booze leaks out before she gets drunk.
The pounding in his head only grew as he slowly sat up, and he groaned all the more as the taste and smell of rotten eggs assaulted his senses. If he could somehow drag himself to the bathroom, there was a medicine cabinet loaded with aspirin, and a water spigot that he could stick his face under to quench his thirst and eliminate the taste. A hot shower was then in order, and after a full breakfast, he was going to find the changeling queen and…
And do something. A more detailed plan for revenge would wait until the world quit pounding in time with his pulse.
Pokey sat up, and with a swipe of a forehoof through his mane, he glanced at his alarm clock with bleary eyes.
Half a second later, he filled his house with an eloquent string of profanities as he bolted into the bathroom. Somehow, the alarm clock had not been set, so he had precisely ten minutes to report to the palace for duty.
Thankfully, the Sergeant had years of experience with rapid preparation. Within two minutes and twenty seconds, he had relieved himself, washed his hooves, brushed his teeth, drunk two large glasses of water, and downed three aspirins. It took him another fifteen seconds to brush his mane, and thirty-three seconds to don his armor.
Two seconds later, he burst through his front door—almost literally—and flew to the palace in record time. Skidding to a stop at the secure entrance, he offered a quick salute to the sentry on duty, then calmly strode into the barracks as if nothing in the world was amiss.
“Pushing it a bit, aren’t we?” Clover Leaf came up on his left side and gave him a nudge. “You’re always here half an hour early. What happened?”
“Wildlife study,” Hokey grumbled. “My head is killing me.”
“Stayed up too late sharing drinks with the bug?” Clover joked. “Serves you right. Need to stop at the infirmary before we report in?”
“I took something for it already. I’ll be fine.”
Clover shrugged. “All right, it’s your head. Looks like you took the time to polish your armor at some point, though. You’re making me look bad.”
Pokey glanced down to his breastplate. It did seem to have a bit more shine to it than normal, but for the life of him, he couldn’t remember taking the time to polish it at any point yesterday. Thanks to a certain incident involving his armor wax during Hearth’s Warming, he had to clean and maintain his equipment in the barracks now, but as far as he could recall, he had gone straight home at the end of his shift yesterday.
“Huh. That’s weird,” he muttered. “Don’t remember touching it.”
“Maybe Chrysalis polished it for you,” Clover said with a grin. “Y’know, out of the goodness of her heart and everything.”
“That’ll be the day,” Pokey muttered. “C’mon. We should report in.”
* * ✹ * *
There were days that Hokey Pokey looked forward to as a Royal Guard. Usually, those days involved diplomatic visits to another country, or a scheduled Royal appearance in one of Equestria’s many cities and towns. These provided the opportunity to stretch his wings and to be out and about, as opposed to the days when the Royal Couple had nothing planned and he had to stand guard in one place, all day long.
Today was not a day that he was looking forward to, hangover aside. With Wysteria out on maternity leave, it often fell on Sergeants Hokey Pokey and Clover Leaf to help Assistant Secretary Trixie with her job, and that usually entailed being a courier, deliverings summons and notices and official replies to the various nobles of Canterlot. Still, it kept him moving, so he said nothing when Trixie had levitated a stack of papers to him that morning and curtly said to ‘take care of this.’ Prince Bean and Princess Celestia were due to be in court for the entire day, so Pokey’s absence would not be noticed, and the paperwork would keep him from having to deal with any petitioners, their loudness, or their even louder and more screechy offspring. Pokey understood why the noisy little foals had to accompany their parents, but his head really didn’t want to deal with the sharp screams that they seemed to store up until they came to the palace.
Pokey’s eyes flicked down to his breastplate once more as he walked towards the recipient of the first summons, and his mind went backwards again in an effort to figure out when he had polished his armor. He also wanted to know why his alarm hadn’t gone off that morning, since he had never forgotten to set it before in his career.
“Maybe Chrysalis turned it off,” he muttered under his breath. “I’ll have to talk to her about it. She can’t be doing stuff like that if she wants to keep living under my roof.”
“And what if I did turn it off, my succulent Pokey?” Chrysalis whispered into his ear.
Pokey rounded to his right to confront the changeling queen, but he found nothing but a stained-glass window and some decorative sconces filled with honeysuckle flowers. With no shortage of confusion, he turned to the left, glanced behind him, and then looked over his right shoulder once more.
“I had more to drink than I thought,” he muttered with a shake of his head. “Now I’m hearing voices.”
“Oh, no. You’re not imagining anything,” Chrysalis purred.
Pokey again glanced behind him, and he let out a snort of annoyance. “All right, Chrissy. I’m in no mood for your games today. Where are you?”
Chrysalis replied with a deep hum of delight that sounded like she had stuck her nose right in his ear. “Haven’t you figured it out yet, my sweet babboo? I’m closer than I’ve ever been before.”
Pokey’s eyes widened as his breastplate tightened, as if it was giving him a hug. The rest of his armor soon followed suit, with the added sensation of somepony tickling the base of his neck.
“Get it now, my Pokey-poo?” Chrysalis whispered.
“You enchanted my armor?” he asked.
“Not quite,” Chrysalis said in a supremely smug tone. “I am your armor.”
Pokey tried to absorb this revelation, but the information evaporated before it could take. “You... you changed yourself into my armor?”
“Is that so hard to believe?” she said. “I am Queen of the Changelings, after all. I can transform into anything you can imagine: animal, vegetable, or… mineral,” she cooed.
Pokey yelped as his armor began to tickle his ribs, and he dropped the paperwork to properly begin clawing at his breastplate with his front hoof. “Get off! Get off!”
“Mm, no,” Chrysalis said, her hug growing tighter. “I’m rather enjoying this. I think I’ll stay.”
Pokey suddenly froze as hoofsteps echoed in the hall, and he went to rigid attention. After a moment, Princess Luna strode into his field of view, stopped, and glanced around at the mess of papers in the hallway.
The Princess said nothing as her eyes moved back to him, and he offered nothing back. After a few intense moments of being subjected to her withering, alicorn-powered cyan stare, the nocturnal diarch slowly moved away, but her eyes remained on him until she had rounded the corner.
“Chrysalis!” Pokey somehow managed to whisper his shout of panic, his hooves frantically flailing and digging at his helm in an effort to remove it. “This is low, even for you! Get off me!”
“No! I’m not going anywhere,” she retorted. “You’re not thinking this through.”
“I’m thinking I’m wearing a changeling!” Pokey barked. “Do you realize how wrong this is?!”
“No,” she simply said. “How is this wrong?”
Pokey started to reply, but then he realized he didn’t have a good answer. “Because… because you’re not supposed to wear living creatures?”
“That was lame,” Chrysalis replied. “You’ve got to come up with something better than that if you’re going to convince me.”
Lacking any further reasons, Pokey moved on to the next most pressing question in his head. “Why did you change yourself into my armor?”
“That’s easy,” she replied, and Pokey shivered as his new set of Chrysalis armor began to massage all of his back all at the same time. “I miss you, my Pokey-wokey. I get so bored and lonely in your house while you’re here, and crossword puzzles get old after long enough. But then, the answer came to me last night like a flash of lighting when you staggered off to bed. I obviously can’t be with you in my beautiful Queen form, but nopony will be the wiser if I’m with you as your armor! It took a little bit of practice, but I managed to replicate all of your accoutrements perfectly. To everypony else, I look exactly like your helm, your breastplate, your wither guards, and your—”
“Hey, hey!” Pokey quickly crossed his rear legs, and his tail clamped down over his rump. “Keep those hooves to yourself!”
“Being hungover this morning was an immense help,” she went on with a playful giggle. “You were in such a rush that you didn’t even notice that your helmet was still connected to the neck plates. Sadly, I can’t be separate pieces, for obvious reasons. But in the end, it’s better that I’m all connected. There’s no gaps in the protection now!”
“What about my shoes?”
“I’m not your shoes,” Chrysalis said with what sounded like a pout. “So I can’t tickle your hoofsies, much as I might want to. But I’m going to figure out how to do that, don’t worry.”
“And you’re not going to get off,” Pokey said. The gears in his brain had finally started to sync together, even though it was making the pounding in his head louder.
“No way. I rather like this,” she purred again. “You wouldn’t believe how amazing it feels to have you all inside me. Plus, I can steal your emotions all the easier this way.”
Pokey violently shoved the thoughts that had come with Chrysalis’ statement out of his head and replaced them quickly with something more practical and less arousing. “Great.” Pokey poked the imitation cuirass that wrapped around his barrel with a long, deep breath. “And what are you going to do if the unthinkable happens? Are you going to jump off me and make a run for it when I have to dive in to protect the Royals?”
“Of course not,” she said. “Who is the only creature to best Princess Celestia in singular combat, hmm? If I’m strong enough to beat her, then I’m more than capable of keeping my precious Pokey-poo safe and secure.”
“While I totally believe you are thick enough in the head to be equal to my armor, you were hopped up out of your tiny mind on Captain Armor’s love when you bested the Princess,” Pokey pointed out.
“So if you give me your love, then you will be safer, too. Besides, I can help you in other ways.”
“Yeah? How?”
A rather odd sensation came over Hokey Pokey. It was like a thousand ants had suddenly sprung to life everywhere where his coat was in contact with Chrysalis, but they also flowed up toward his spine, ran up his neck, and slid over his skull. A pinprick of power hit him in the forehead, and he went cross-eyed to look over the long, jagged black horn that had just emerged. Chrysalis’ horn then lit, and with a rush of power that made Pokey gasp, the scattered papers in the hall were lifted, sorted, stacked, and presented back to him in a sickly green glow.
“You’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to use magic, haven’t you?” Chrysalis’ seductive words slunk into his ear and sashayed down to his brain. “Now you know, my delicious dear. Just imagine what we can accomplish together like this!”
“We’re not accomplishing anything together,” he retorted with one more ineffectual attempt at removing his new Chrysalis armor. “I’ll admit to wondering what it’s like to use magic a time or two, but I’m a pegasus, and at the end of the day, I have no desire to be anything else. I’m proud of what I am.”
“Fine. Be that way about it,” Chrysalis huffed, and her horn disappeared. “But I’m still not going anywhere. Even if I did leave, you’d have to explain to your superiors exactly why you’re suddenly stripped and bare-bunned, and that won’t be pleasant.”
She had a point, much as he hated to admit. “Fine. But once my shift is over, you get off.”
Chrysalis let out a dark, seductive laugh that made Pokey’s belly vibrate. “My dear Pokey-wokey, by the time your shift is done, you won’t want to take me off. In fact, I bet you’ll wonder how you ever lived without me.”
* * ✹ * *
“Deputy Plumb Level.” Pokey’s wing extended and presented a small stack of papers to the civil servant. “Their Highnesses have reviewed your proposal. This is their official reply.”
“Excellent!” the dutiful deputy took the stack of papers in his magic with a grateful smile. “I’ve been waiting for this. Thank you, Sergeant.”
“Good day, sir.” Pokey dipped his head for a brief moment, then turned to march off to the next pony that was listed in his stack.
“Ugh, this is so boring,” Chrysalis moaned in his ear. “Is this really what you do all day?”
Pokey snickered. “No, this is a good day, actually. Most of the time, I don’t get to move at all.”
“That’s dumb,” Chrysalis huffed. “It would be better if you moved around. It would be easier to stop ambushes that way.”
“And there are guard ponies who patrol the grounds,” Pokey replied. “But my primary job is to protect the Prince. So, if he’s stationary, so am I.”
“Why aren’t you guarding him now, then?” Chrysalis challenged.
“Because he and Princess Celestia are in Day Court, and Celestia’s guards are on watch,” he said in a slow tone. He had learned that he had to speak clearly and use small words with the changeling queen, or she would twist and contort the lesson he was trying to impart to her, intentionally or not.
Chrysalis wriggled a bit, and Pokey rolled his shoulder to get her back into the proper position on his back. “There’s no slouching in the Royal Guard, Chrissy. If I’m not wearing you perfectly, Lieutenant Spear Point will bust me for being out of uniform and put me on KP duty. Unless you want to be stuck in some back corner of the palace’s kitchen, watching me as I peel potatoes.”
“I think I’d rather listen to Mandible’s poetry,” Chrysalis grunted. “Fine. But you owe me for putting up with this.”
“I don’t owe you anything. You’re the one who decided to do this, not me.”
“Sergeant Pokey!” A nearby voice called out, and the Sergeant turned to face the speaker.
“Lord Fancy Pants, sir.” Pokey saluted. “How can I help you, sir?”
“Well, old chap, I was just wondering if Princess Celestia has had a chance to look over my proposal. Miss Trixie informed me that it might take a few weeks, but I was rather hoping to get Celestia’s approval before the end of the week.”
“As far as I am aware, sir, the Princess has not ha-AH!—” Pokey yelped as something began to tickle the inner part of his rear thigh “—had a chance to look over your proposal yet. I’ll—Eeep!—be sure to let her stop that! know that you would—” Pokey’s rear hoof stomped on the floor “—like her proOOOmpt attention to the matter!”
Fancy Pants leaned back slightly and gave the Sergeant a confused stare. “I say, are you quite all right?”
Pokey took off at a quick canter before Fancy Pants could reply, but he stumbled and nearly tripped when Chrysalis did something that made his ribs twitch uncontrollably. Once he had rounded a nearby corner and was reasonably sure he was out of sight, he slammed himself against a pillar and then hit his breastplate with a hoof.
“Ow!” Chrysalis screeched, and Pokey’s armor suddenly constricted on his barrel. “You fat oaf! There’s no need for that!”
“Have you lost what remained of your tiny bug brain?!” Pokey hissed in a sharp whisper. “You can’t be doing stuff like that to me while I’m talking to the nobility!”
“I’m just trying to liven things up,” Chrysalis grumbled. “Besides, the view back here is so fantastic, I just can’t help myself.”
“Chrysalis, I swear, if you keep this up…”
“Fine, fine.” Pokey’s Chrysalis armor relaxed, but only slightly. “I’ll behave while you’re dealing with the snobs.”
Pokey snorted and rolled his neck. “I don’t know why I put up with you some days.”
“That’s easy,” Chrysalis purred as Pokey moved to his next assignment. “It’s because you have a secret, hidden desire for the dark and the mysterious, the exotic and the rare. Why, we might even be soulmates, if you think about it! Just look how well we—” there was a brief and evil giggle “—fit together!”
Pokey suppressed a groan of approval when his armor began to massage the base of his neck and shoulders. “I don’t know about all of that, but this I don’t mind.”
“So tense,” Chrysalis whispered. “You really need to learn how to relax. I could help you with that, if you’d just let me.”
“No way,” he said. “Not after how you betrayed me.”
“Are you seriously still stuck on that?” Chrysalis said, and Pokey felt a squeeze around his barrel that would be a hug, if it were being given by a pony and not his personal protection. “C’mon. What have I done to you? Recently, that is. Have I hurt you at all, or tried to mislead you in any way? I’m making amends for what I did, my Pokey-poo. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to forgive me since I’ve changed for you.”
Pokey grumbled something incomprehensible, but deep down, he had to admit that Chrysalis had a point. Despite a few small disruptions at the beginning of her stay, Chrysalis had been amazingly well-behaved⁽*⁾ and followed the rules that he had laid out. She kept her little corner of his house tidy, she hung up the towels after using them, and she even took the garbage out to the curb on occasion. ⁽*⁾For a low but finite value of behaved. —
Even though they were all acts that were beneath her royal self, and she liked to remind him of that fact frequently.
“So, hypothetically speaking, what would you do to help me relax?” Pokey slowly asked, and he felt Chrysalis’ small squeal of delight around his wings.
“I’d stuff you in a pod, to start,” she said with glee. “Yes, I know how it looks to you ponies, but if you think of it like you’re in a waterbed hammock, you’ve got a basic idea. A few hours’ rest in one of those would do wonders for all of these knots in your back. I could even set it up so you’re not fully engulfed, if that would take away some of your reservations.
“Then, I’d whisper sweet nothings in your ear,” she went on, her voice taking on a sultry tone. “We changelings have a way with words, and I know I could talk all of your cares away, if you’d let me. And if you like this little massage that I’m giving you now, then you really need to let me use my hooves on you, like how I used to as Bluebelle.”
Hearing that name made Pokey tense, and his armor tightened just a bit more, as if Chrysalis was trying to comfort him. “Okay, forget I said that,” she offered. “But you know, I could be Bluebelle again, if you asked nicely.”
“No.” Pokey snapped out the answer. “Just… no. Bluebelle was a dream, a fantasy.”
“Bluebelle was me,” Chrysalis softly said. “And believe it or not, a lot of me went into her.”
“Look, just drop it. I’m not in the mood to talk about what happened.”
“Fine. But eventually, you’re going to have to come to terms with what I did, and I mean really come to terms with it,” Chrysalis said. “I know you’re torn between what I was, what I did, and what I am now. You’ve got to decide what you’re going to do with me. Is there a chance that I can be forgiven, or not?”
Pokey didn’t say anything, but he did mull the thought over as he walked down the empty corridor. The real question, to him, wasn’t whether or not he could forgive the bug queen. The question was if he could trust her again. So far, pretty much everything he’d done since Chrysalis came back was designed to control her, to keep her in line and out of trouble. She had to account for where she was, what she was doing, and what she was going to do at all times, with the oft-repeated and mostly hollow threat of dragging her back to face Celestia’s wrath if she failed to follow the rules.
She was more powerful than he was, much as he hated to admit it.
And for the most part, Chrysalis had been compliant. There had been a few rebellious instances in the beginning, and her complaints about his strict regulations had not diminished in the slightest, but on the whole, the Queen of the Changelings had been a—he hesitated to say it—decent guest in his house, despite her indecent moments.
And, worst of all, he had enjoyed having her company as of late.
Or perhaps it was best of all? Pokey shook his head at the thought. He did not want to admit it, but after all of the time they’d spent together, the steadfast sergeant had come to think of Chrysalis in a way that was similar to how he had thought of Bluebelle.
“So, where are we going now?” Chrysalis asked.
Pokey broke himself out of his reverie and glanced down at the small pile of papers that he still held in wing. “Looks like you’re in for a treat. I have to head over to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns to deliver this last one.”
“Why is that so special?”
“Because Celestia’s school is not here in the palace. We have to go outside to get to it.”
Pokey tried not to laugh when his armor squealed in delight and jumped slightly in joy. “Finally! Let’s go! Sunbutt’s palace is far too stuffy.”
* * ✹ * *
“Thank you, Sergeant.” Twilight Velvet took the offered papers with a grin. “I’ve been waiting for these. Am I your last stop for the day?”
“For now, ma’am,” Sergeant Pokey replied. “But that might change once I get back to the palace. Assistant Secretary Trixie may have more notices for me to deliver.”
“I see.” Dean Velvet leaned back in her chair, and she gave the sergeant a critical glance before continuing. “Is my son trying out a new type of armor?”
Outwardly, Pokey remained calm. Inwardly, his heart began to hammer, and he somehow felt Chrysalis’ heart begin to do the same. “What do you mean, ma’am?”
“You’re not exactly in uniform at the moment, are you?” Twilight Velvet said with a knowing smirk. “Your armor is not quite right.”
“How so?” Pokey asked as Chrysalis began to tremble ever-so-slightly.
“I don’t remember leg guards being part of standard issue.” Twilight Velvet pointed to his legs, and Pokey’s gaze followed to see what she was talking about. “Is there some sort of threat that’s come in that requires extra protection?”
“Not that I am aware of, ma’am,” Pokey slowly said. “The Captain—”
Dean Velvet held up a hoof and chuckled. “I’m just giving you a hard time, Sergeant. What goes on in the guard—and what armor you wear—isn’t for me to question. Please, carry on.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Pokey saluted, turned, and all but fled from Dean Velvet’s office. Once he was back outside, he took to the air, and he kept going up until he was sure he was out of earshot of anypony else.
“Don’t get mad at me, Pokey,” Chrysalis said before he could begin his rant. “If I’m your armor, then I’m going to protect you, and that means all of you. Even my drones have enough sense to cover their legs. I don’t get why you guards don’t.”
Pokey wanted to fire off a withering retort, but the stern words died in his throat. She had a point, and as he lifted a leg to inspect the new golden plates, he decided to go in a different direction with his questions. “So, is this you too?”
“You betcha,” Chrysalis cooed as his armor gently moved, like a cat rubbing up against his legs. “I’m gonna get to those hoofsies yet.”
“You’re not going to take over my body or something, are you?”
Chrysalis scoffed. “While tempting, you can overpower me when I’m like this. I don’t have any way of making you do anything.”
“You’ll have to remove them once we get back to the palace, you know,” he said. “But I’ll admit, you’ve got a point about uncovered legs. You’re doing a good job with flexibility, too. I don’t feel constricted at all.”
“That’s the idea,” she whispered with a giggle.
“Not totally sure about the thickness, though. You’re light, but armor needs to have some weight to it. Otherwise, a blade could go right through, and…”
Pokey trailed off, his eyes focusing in on a dark mass that was moving towards the base of Mount Canter. A large mass, filled with stars and long, sharp fangs.
“Pokey?” Chrysalis asked. “What is that?”
An ear-splitting roar knocked Pokey backwards, rattled the ground he crash-landed on, and sent all nearby ponies into a panicked run.
“That, my buggy Queen, would be an Ursa Major,” Pokey replied.
Warning horns began to blare in the background as Pokey took to the air and streaked down towards the gigantic bear-like monstrosity that was moving towards the city’s main gates. The massive stellar creature slowed when the gates slammed shut and two unicorn guards began to fire magic shots at it, but Pokey knew there was no way an Ursa Major would be stopped by such trivial barriers.
“Pokey?!” Chrysalis screamed as his wings tore through the air. “What are you doing?!”
“Time to earn your keep!” he shouted over the rush of the wind. “Let’s see how tough you really are!”
“Bad idea! Bad idea!” Chrysalis shrieked, but her pleadings went unheeded by the sergeant.
“Concentrate your fire!” Pokey bellowed to the unfortunate guards as he landed at the guard shack. “Keep it distracted! We’re going to lure it away from the city!”
“Sir!” the guards replied as Pokey ripped the door open, dove inside, plucked a spare spear from the storage rack, and took to the air again within a second.
“Please tell me you know how to deal with this thing!” Chrysalis yelped as Pokey buzzed the Ursa’s ear and slashed at its cheek.
“The only way to defeat an Ursa Major is to keep it out in the open and throw everything you have at it!” Pokey dodged a swipe from the monster’s overgrown claws and moved to stab at its nose. “This thing will level Canterlot if it gets into the city!”
“So what?! Let it!” Chrysalis whined. “You can rebuild!”
“And risk the population? Not on your life,” Pokey shot back.
“That’s exactly the problem! My life is at stake here!”
“Accepted occupational hazard!” Pokey wheezed as his Chrysalis armor constricted on his barrel. “Chrissy! Let go! I can’t breathe!”
“Not the face! Not the face!” Chrysalis tried to pull Pokey to the left, but he powered through her influence, banked to the right, and missed the Ursa’s claws by inches.
“Work with me here, Chrissy! And left!” he ordered. “Your other left!”
“Which way is left?!”
“Right!” Pokey barked.
“Make up your mind!”
“Down!” Pokey lashed out at the open maw of the beast, and his spear tore a large gash in the Ursa’s nose while he dropped out of the way of the teeth that were longer than Celestia was tall.
The Ursa reeled back in pain with a howl, but to Pokey’s horror, its back paw effortlessly smashed through the main gate as it stumbled, and the two unicorn guards scrambled sideways to keep from being stepped on.
“Hey! We’re winning!” Chrysalis cheered.
Her celebration was short-lived. Once the Ursa had regained its footing, it whirled to face its tiny assailant, a furious fire burning in its blood-red eyes. Half a second later, its paw struck out and made contact, and Pokey was sent crashing into a nearby building.
It took a few moments for Pokey to regain his senses, and he staggered back to his hooves as he picked himself out of the debris and brickwork he was buried under. There was a good chance that he had multiple broken bones, and as he tried to clear the blur from his vision, he spat out the blood that was pooling in his mouth.
“Ow,” Chrysalis moaned.
“Good, you’re not dead.” Pokey glanced down at his broken foreleg and grimaced at the bone that was sticking out of the skin.
“No, but I can’t take another hit like that,” Chrysalis said. “Neither can you.”
“I’m not going to let that thing get into the city.” Pokey groaned, then collapsed with a sharp shriek of pain when he put weight on his injured leg.
“Then quit being stupid. We need to work together to defeat this thing.”
“I’m open to suggestions. What do we do?”
“I mean we literally need to work together. Your strength plus my magic should be enough to drive this ugly back.”
Pokey shivered as a cold and unfamiliar sensation began to flow over his back and down his withers. It was like he was being coated in changeling goo, but his pains were whisked away as the slime-like touch continued to coat and cover his entire body. “Chrissy? What are you doing?”
“Something desperate, and probably dumb. Now hold still.”
Pokey gasped, then sucked in a sharp breath when the feeling flowed over his injured leg, and his eyes widened in shock as he lifted the appendage up and watched Chrysalis at work. Before his eyes, the golden plates liquified and reformed into black changeling chitin, and he continued to stare until his whole leg was coated and covered by the alien material.
The sergeant twisted to look over his barrel, and he found he was encased, from head to hoof and from neck to tail, in the same changeling material. Before he could say anything or properly panic about what was going on, however, another pinprick of power slammed into his forehead, and he fell to his knees as that power rushed into the rest of his body.
“Chrissy… what…” he gasped.
“I’m not going to be beaten by some overgrown hairball,” Chrysalis said, her tone resolute. “And I’m not going to let my Pokey-poo get killed.”
Pokey slowly stood, his chest heaving as he gulped in large swallows of air. There was so much raw power flowing through him that it was nearly overwhelming, but it also felt incredible. It was like he had gained all of the energy Chrysalis had when she stole love from others, and it only seemed to grow as she fed off the love he had for the ponies he had sworn to protect.
“Still sure you don’t want to use magic?” Chrysalis snarked.
Pokey glanced to the jagged horn that had reappeared on his forehead, and he grimaced as it lit with green magic. “I might be willing to make an exception here.”
“I thought so. Now, since I’m you and you’re me, what say we go take care of business?”
Pokey rolled his shoulders, and he chuckled as he felt his new lightweight coating flex with his actions. “Chrissy, that’s probably the best idea you’d ever had.”
The new Pokeylis shot into the air with a single flap of their wings, and the combined changeling pony took a moment to admire the thin, razor-sharp blade of chitin that ran down the leading edge of their wings. Together, they felt impervious, indestructible.
And, curiously, they also felt whole.
Another roar from the Ursa brought Pokeylis’ attention back, and they watched for a brief moment as Princess Luna casually dodged a swipe of claws. With a confident grin, the sergeant-queen shot towards the conflict, their horn lowered and surging with all of the magic they could muster.
“Pokey.” Princess Luna called out with a small snicker and a smile. “Are you having fun?”
“Just a moment, Your Highness!” Pokeylis called out. “Just need to take care of a little problem!”
“While that would be amusing to watch, I think this has gone on for long enough.”
“What?”
* * ✹ * *
Hokey Pokey awoke with a snort and a snuffle, and his joints popped as he groaned and rolled over in his bed.
“Ugh!” he moaned. “That was… the weirdest…”
It took a moment for Pokey to get his bearings, but as he did so, he reached out and grabbed his alarm clock. If there was such a thing as the middle of the night, he was smack-dab in the middle of it, which thankfully meant that he could roll back over and go back to sleep.
Anything would be better than the percussive pounding that was splitting his skull in two.
But after that bizzare little dream, Pokey wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to go back to sleep. His head only pounded more as he tried to make sense of the madness that he had just dreamt, so he promptly gave up and groaned again.
“Never going to play any kind of drinking game with Chrysalis ever again. Ever! All those holes in her legs must be so the booze leaks out before she gets drunk,” he grumbled.
“Hey! You mind keeping it down in here? Some of us are trying to sleep.”
The hungover guard rolled over again, and in his doorway, he found two glowing green eyes, shining like emeralds and betraying Chrysalis’ annoyance. “Gee, so sorry to have disturbed you. Go back to bed.”
“Why are you thrashing around, anyway? You usually sleep like a rock.”
Pokey felt a twinge of confusion, and he snuffled again as the changeling queen moved into his room. Chrysalis had never been much for compassion, but her question had been offered with concern, not contempt. “Just a bad dream.”
Chrysalis hopped onto his bed, and before Pokey could protest, the changeling had pulled him into a soft hug with his head resting on her chest. “That must have been some dream.”
“It was… something,” he admitted. Normally, he would wonder what Chrysalis was up to and why she was hugging him, but at the moment, the embrace felt comforting and surprisingly tender.
“Sounds like Moonbutt is slacking off on her duties,” Chrysalis said. “So, why don’t you tell me all about it. Then we can both go back to sleep.”
In some back corner of his mind, a very small warning bell tried to chime, but Pokey really didn’t feel like fighting off Chrysalis’ devious plot, whatever it was. When she leaned back, he followed with her, and after a moment of shuffling, he found himself being comfortably spooned and caressed within the changeling’s embrace.
“It started with me waking up to go to work,” he began over Chrysalis’ yawn. “My alarm clock didn’t go off, and I only had ten minutes to get to the palace.” He paused for a moment. “My alarm is on, right?”
Chrysalis grunted. “I dunno. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because in my dream, I thought you had turned it off.”
“Mm, tempting. But you’d get mad at me if I did.”
Pokey smiled to himself in the dark. “Anyway…”
Pokey then proceeded to tell Chrysalis about his dream, and what details he could still remember from it. The changeling queen said nothing as he went on, and by the time he reached the end, Chrysalis was snoring softly.
“Not much of a night owl, are you?” Pokey said with a chuckle, though his own eyes felt heavy. “Seems like you bugs should be nocturnal, for some odd reason. Still,” he yawned “I can’t say this isn’t nice. I’ll probably regret everything in the morning, but for now…”
But for now, and for the first time since Bluebelle, Pokey surrendered to the bliss of the embrace of another mare.
Or whatever female changelings were.
* * ✹ * *
Hokey Pokey did not want to go to work.
His hooves shuffled along the cobblestone road as he slowly picked his way along the path to the palace, and he offered a clipped greeting when anypony called out to him. His mind was tumbling with more thoughts than should be possible, and the hangover headache didn’t help matters at all.
Of course, going to work was better than staying home. Chrysalis had teased him incessantly that morning about his dream—when she wasn’t laughing her head off—so going to the palace at least offered the option of guarding a door or a hallway and being left in peace, if only for a short time.
Hopefully, that time would help him to sort out the mess of feelings that were tangled up in his heart.
Eventually, the steadfast sergeant made it to the barracks, and after getting dressed in his non-changeling armor—though he did have a moment of hesitation when he thought he heard it laugh—he moved out to begin his assigned shift.
“Hey, Hoke.” Sergeant Clover Leaf came up on his right side, playfully bumped into him, and grinned. “You look horrible. Stay up too late playing drinking games with the buggy queen again?”
“No,” he said. “Well, yes, but that’s not the problem.”
“Oh?” Clover’s playful demeanor turned serious in a heartbeat. “What’s up?”
Pokey started to answer, but he hesitated to take in a long, deep breath. “It’s nothing bad. I’m just… thinking.”
“Yeah? What are you thinking about that’s got you so weighed down?”
Pokey snorted softly. “I’m trying to figure out if I have a really brilliant idea, a really terrible idea, or if Princess Luna is just yanking my chain.”
As if on cue, said Princess passed by them, her expression innocent and her demeanor aloof. Her gaze briefly focused on Pokey, but she continued on her way without saying a word to either of them.
“And the worst part is I really don’t want to know,” Pokey finished.
* * ✹ * *
Sergeant Hokey Pokey stood at attention by the doors for the throne room, his eyes fixated on a small spot on the opposite wall. Prince Bean and Princess Celestia were due to be in court for the day, and it was his turn to stand watch as the various petitioners filtered through. Normally, he could endure this part of his employment with a minimum of fuss, but over the past few days, his duty was slowly transforming into torture.
“Sergeant?”
“Princess Cadence, ma’am!” Pokey offered a crisp salute, and he somehow managed to keep his face blank despite the furious snickering coming from his left.
“You and I need to talk.” Cadence shot a death glare at Princess Luna, who showed no signs of stopping her chortles of amusement. “And you need to leave him alone.”
“I have no idea what you mean,” Luna said with a grin. “I have not interacted with Sergeant Pokey at all today.”
Cadence huffed and rolled her eyes. “I understand you had a rather unusual dream a few nights ago.”
“I did, ma’am, yes,” said Pokey.
“And Princess Luna has not offered to help you understand it?” Cadence asked, with a withering glare for her aunt.
“I think she likes laughing at me over it too much, ma’am. Every time I see her, she starts to snicker uncontrollably.”
Luna said nothing, but her expression was full of mischievous glee.
“And what of Chrysalis?” Cadence went on. “Did you tell her about it, too?”
Pokey’s head dipped in embarrassment. “I wish I hadn’t, ma’am. She teases me non-stop about it now. I haven’t had a moment’s peace since I opened my mouth.”
Cadence nodded thoughtfully. “So why did you tell her?”
Pokey shrugged. “I wish I knew, ma’am. I was probably still a little drunk at the time, but… I guess I just let my guard down. I’ll be sure to be more careful in the future, ma’am.”
Cadence gave the sergeant a critical glare, and one corner of her mouth twitched upwards. “But that begs the question of why you ‘let your guard down,’ doesn’t it? You’ve had Chrysalis as a guest in your home for several months now, but this is the first time this has happened. How did she get you to become complacent?”
Pokey hesitated. “I just… I suppose I grew accustomed to her face, ma’am. Well, faces.” Pokey paused again in the hopes that Cadence would say or do anything, and when she remained impassive, he felt himself dragged into more words. “Her smiles, her frowns, her ups and her downs.” It called for a song, but singing on duty was strictly prohibited, and two of the prohibitors were just a short distance away, so he swallowed the notes and continued. “They’re second nature to me now. Like breathing out and breathing in. In a way.”
Finally, one regal eyebrow went up. “And how, exactly, does that happen with a changeling, Sergeant?”
Pokey didn’t answer, but he didn’t need to.
“Look, Hokey, I’m not trying to condemn you or anything,” Cadence went on. “To be honest, I’ve been keeping track of your relationship with Chrysalis, and some time ago, I noticed something. It was small and subtle, but there was a change in how you saw her back then. When she foalnapped Prince Bean and revealed her treachery, you would have struck her down on the spot without hesitation. Now you’re having dreams about working together with her, and the tone in your reports has softened considerably. It’s probably not noticeable to anypony else, but I can see she’s changed you.” Now it was Cadence’s turn to hesitate, and she spoke very deliberately, as if the words were being forced. “And you’re changing her, too.
“So let me get to the point with all of this. When Luna told me about your dream, I decided to offer my assistance. You’re trying to swim in uncharted waters here, and unlike some ponies—” Cadence leveled another death glare at Luna “—I am sympathetic to your struggles. But, the Chrysalis in your dream was right: you need to make a decision about how you feel, or else you’re going to end up heartbroken twice. I don’t want you to go through that all over again.”
“I have been helpful,” Luna noted. “I did not have to tell you about his dream, after all.”
Pokey slowly nodded, but he drew in a long breath. “You’re right, Princess Cadence. I just… I don’t know what to do. I want to forgive her, but she betrayed me and used my position to further her own evil ends. How do I know she won’t do something like that again?”
Cadence offered a knowing smile. “That’s the crux of the whole thing, isn’t it? Trust. You trust that Princess Celestia will raise the sun and that Princess Luna will raise the moon every day. You trust your comrades in the Royal Guard, and you have trust in your own skills and abilities as a guard. Chrysalis betrayed the trust you gave her, pure and simple.
“But to me, it seems like she’s trying to regain that trust. If Chrysalis just wanted to steal love, she could do that anywhere and to anypony. Why does she stay with you? I believe it’s because she doesn’t have to steal your love. She’s getting it freely, so that motivates her to behave, to follow the rules you’ve given her. And I think that road is a two-way street, if you get my meaning.”
Pokey felt his cheeks ignite, and he stammered something that was vaguely dismissive.
“The mind may try to deny it, but the heart knows what it wants,” Cadence offered with a grin. “In the end, you’re the only one who can say if you can trust her again. If you can’t, then don’t torment yourself and cut her out of your life. But before you make your decision, I want you to look deep down in your heart. Ask yourself, in all honesty, how you really feel about her, and how you would feel if she was completely gone.”
Pokey hesitated. “And what… what if I can’t cut her out?”
Cadence smiled. “Quit fighting it, Pokey. Love is always a risky proposition, but so are all of the greatest things in life.”
“I’ll… I’ll think about it,” Pokey slowly said.
“That’s all I want you to do,” Cadence replied. “And I’m here to help you, if you want me to.”
A furious round of snickering interrupted their conversation, and Pokey sighed. “With all due respect, Princess Luna, I thought you were supposed to help ponies when they had nightmares.”
“And indeed I do,” Luna chuckled. “But first off, I am helping you. I am here, and I have brought to you the expert in the matters of love and the heart, have I not? Second, that was not a nightmare. That dream was an expression of repressed urges and desires, and one of the more entertaining ones that I have ever seen, at that. If Chrysalis ever does figure out how to become your armor, please let me know. Perhaps we can enlist the rest of the hive and give them a new purpose in life.”
“I’ll get right on that,” Pokey grumbled. “Right after Chrysalis gets done laughing, too.”
* * ✹ * *
Hokey Pokey drew in another long, deep breath as he entered his house, and after shutting the door, he slowly removed his armor. Princess Cadence’s words were still ringing in his ears, but he still wasn’t sure how to use her suggestions.
“Finally!” Chrysalis appeared out of nowhere and threw herself sideways across his back with a snort of delight. “Check it out, Pokey! I’m your armor! I’ll protect you from the big, bad world!”
“That was funny the first dozen times,” Pokey dryly remarked. “But there’s no way I can do my job with you squishing me like this.”
“I bet you could, if you really tried.”
“Sure. And you’d really change yourself into my armor, if you could.”
“Alas, even I have my limits.” Chrysalis threw a dramatic hoof to her forehead. “But I am looking into the matter, believe you me. If there’s a way to wrap you all up inside me without eating you, I’m going to find it.”
Pokey rolled his eyes, and he began to walk towards the couch with his passenger. “I’m sure you will.”
“So! Why don’t you go get dinner while I work on that?” Chrysalis said with a grin. “I’m starving. I was thinking something spicy.”
Pokey stopped and turned his head so he could look Chrysalis in the eye. A dozen questions sprung to his mind, but he found he couldn’t vocalize any of them.
“What?” Chrysalis asked. “It’s rude to stare.”
Pokey chuckled. “Why don’t you come with me?”
Chrysalis recoiled slightly. “What?”
“It must get rather boring, having to spend all your time in here. Why don’t you come with me to get something from Hào Chī’s, and then maybe…” he stalled. “I dunno. We can go dine al fresco somewhere. Like we used to,” he added in a soft voice.
Chrysalis stared at him for a moment over the top of her pince-nez glasses, but then shrugged. “Fine. I’ll change into my Shutterbug disguise, and we can go.”
Pokey shook his head. “Actually, I was thinking you could go just like this.”
The changeling queen let out a chirp of confusion. “Like this? You really want me to go sauntering around Canterlot as myself?”
“Yup. With the cute glasses, too. How else are we ponies going to get used to you?” he asked.
Chrysalis’ eyes narrowed. “What are you playing at? You’ve always said I can’t be seen like this. Are you trying to get me into trouble?”
“No, nothing like that. I just…” Pokey smiled. “I just think that, since you’re staying here, you might as well be yourself. Your real self. I’ve grown accustomed to your face,” he added sheepishly.
Chrysalis blinked once. Her wings buzzed for a brief moment as she removed herself from his back, and she continued to stare as her hooves touched the ground.
“What did you just say?” she softly asked.
“C’mon.” Pokey chuckled and nodded to the front door. “You know how busy Hào Chī’s gets at this time of night. Unless there’s a reason for me to not trust you?” he added with a grin.
Chrysalis glanced at his offered hoof, and a smirk came as she put her hoof in his. “Just like old times?” she asked.
Celestia chuckled over Trixie’s whining as the carriage banked to the left and began to descend into Salt Lick. “Yes, Miss Lulamoon. We should be arriving at the Bean family home in just a few moments.”
“Good. Trixie hates long flights.”
“It’s a good thing you won’t be coming to Trottingham with myself and Bean, then. The flight is quite lengthy, to say nothing of the train ride between Canterlot and Manehattan.”
“So why don’t you just teleport there?” Trixie asked. “You jumped clean to Ponyville once without even breaking a sweat, I’ve heard.”
“Even I have my limits,” Celestia kindly explained. “Besides, it is unwise to teleport long distances while pregnant. I would not make the same ‘jump’ to Ponyville now, and even then, I only did so because of the emergency situation.”
“Did they ever find that doll Sparkle enchanted?” Trixie asked. “Everypony refused to talk about it the last time I was there.”
“No,” Celestia said thoughtfully. “I should have Twilight look into that. I know I cancelled the spell and removed its effects from the local population, but I lost track of the doll while dealing with Twilight.” The Princess paused in thought for a moment, then shrugged and turned her attention to the rapidly approaching ground. “But we’ll worry about that later. I am most eager to see Bean’s childhood home.”
“I don’t get why,” said Trixie. “From what Trixie has heard, it’s nothing special.”
“Perhaps, but it is where he lived, and I regret that I haven’t had the time to visit before now. Besides, his mother is most eager to show off the nursery that she and Garbanzo created.”
Trixie shook her head and chuckled. “I will never understand why ponies put up with newborn foals. They’re messy, grubby little monsters that pull on your tail, throw up on your favorite cloaks, and stink. The smell is the worst part. By far.”
“So, we shouldn’t ask you to foalsit Nilla for us?” Celestia quipped.
“Since I will be leaving next week, yes. Don’t ask. Trixie does not do foalsitting.”
“Do you have everything you need to get back on the road?”
“Trixie is still working on that,” Trixie said. “My latest shipment of fireworks was impounded by the Royal Guard. Trixie tried to explain to Lieutenant Spear Point that the crates would be harmless, despite having dangerous-sounding names like ‘Furious Feet of Flame’ and ‘Nightmare’s Wrath’ printed on them, but he wouldn’t listen to me. At least I got to keep my smoke bombs,” she added with a small grin.
“I’ll speak with the Lieutenant about the matter,” Celestia said. “Is there anything else?”
“Provisions, but that’s easy enough. Trixie also needs some hammocks. There’s not much room in a wagon full of magic supplies, so a hammock works best. Even if it is murder on your back,” she said with a small wince. “But other than that, the Great and Powerful Trixie should have everything she needs.”
“Good. If you need anything else, please tell me. I do not want you to leave ill-prepared.”
“I will, Your Highness,” Trixie said with a soft smile. “And thank you.”
The carriage gently touched down, and Celestia turned her attention to the modest home before them. The abode was a simple, yet charming single-level structure with bright ethereal blue paint and a slate-grey roof, and the Princess loved how cozy and inviting it felt, even from the street.
“Oh, It’s lovely,” she said as she disembarked. “I especially like the canna lilies and the jackmanii vines on the south side.”
“Princess! You made it!” Lima called out as she exited the house. “Come in, come in! I know we don’t have a lot of time for a tour, but I can show you around really quick.”
“I’ll just wait here,” Trixie said. “I’ve got some forms to fill out for Wysteria.”
Celestia nodded to Trixie, then turned to her mother-in-law with a grin. “Hello, Lima. You have a very lovely home.”
“That’s very kind of you to say, but I can’t take all of the credit for this,” said Lima. “I hired a professional landscaping company to take care of the yard this year. With the increase in business, and Baked being gone, Garbanzo and I found that we just couldn’t keep up with the Zuerst and the chores here. You did drop him off at the restaurant, right?”
Celestia nodded. “I did. Garbanzo was pleased to see him and put him to work immediately.”
“Good. I worry that he doesn’t practice his cooking in the palace, since he’s so busy helping you.”
Celestia laughed as she ducked to enter Lima’s home. “I can safely say that Baked Bean is, in fact, pushing himself to the limit of his cooking abilities whenever the opportunity arises. The spinach and mint lasagna he made last night was absolutely heavenly.”
“At least he spoils you,” Lima said with a grin, and she gestured with a hoof to her front room. “Well, this is it. I hope it’s not too underwhelming.”
Celestia’s smile grew, and she took several moments to properly appreciate the décor of the room. The soft grey carpet matched well with the white walls and velvet drapes, and the princess liked how the colorful throw rug under the coffee table added a pop of color to the overall appearance. Several family photos hung on the walls, and Celestia was charmed by the two small bookcases—topped with a few trinkets from past family vacations and stuffed with various cooking books—that flanked a quaint-looking fireplace.
“Actually, I think this is quite cozy and charming, Lima. Though I must admit, the vaulted ceilings are my favorite thing about the room.”
Lima chuckled. “It’s always nice to be able to stand up straight, isn’t it? I never thought about how much of a problem that must be for you.”
“Thankfully, most interiors can accommodate me,” Celestia said, her hoof running along the edge of the lavender-colored sofa in the middle of the room. “It’s just doorways that I need to be careful with.”
“And to think I once said you weren’t tall enough,” Lima said with a snort of amusement. “Well, what’s done is done. The kitchen is just back here, and the dining room over there. Since we’re short on time, I’ll skip those for now and we’ll jump right to what I really wanted to show you.”
“Please,” Celestia said eagerly.
“We converted Baked’s old room into the nursery,” Lima said as she led the Princess down a short hallway. “And then we thought it was too small, so we knocked down a wall and took out the guest room. We didn’t need it anymore anyway since all of the Beans live in Salt Lick now.”
“How is Soy doing, by the way?” Celestia asked.
“Overall, he’s actually doing pretty good,” Lima said. “He still misses Mom, but selling the buffet in Las Pegasus was the right call. He stays busy and active with us at the Zuerst now, but sometimes, we loan him out to help out the other Beans. If I’m not careful, Cannellini might steal him for her restaurant one of these days.”
“I’m glad to hear he has the support he needs. If he has the time, maybe I could have him come to the palace and cook for us.”
“I’m sure he’d love that.” Lima pushed open a door and smiled. “Just in here, Princess.”
“Oh, there’s no need for that,” Celestia said. “You are family, after all. Celly is just fine.”
Celestia then moved to enter the room, but her horn smacked the top of the door frame with a solid clonk. The Princess retreated, grumbled under her breath as she rubbed the base of her horn, then ducked to properly enter.
She instantly forgot her height-induced headache and gasped in delight when she saw what Lima and Garbanzo had created. A bright pink room welcomed her with what felt like enthusiastic glee, with pictures of bright spring flowers and the Canterlot side of Mount Canter hanging proudly on the walls. A plush and comfortable looking white crib sat next to a large dresser that had a changing table on the top of it, and a rocking chair large enough for a Princess waited by a large window, ready and willing to offer its services to whatever parent—or grandparent—needed it.
“Oh, Lima! It’s just perfect!” Celestia gushed, and she quickly moved to look over the selection of picture books that awaited in the bookcases by the rocking chair. “I’m actually a little bit jealous! It looks exactly like something from a nursery rhyme. Nilla will love this.”
“We have some toys in the closet as well.” Lima pointed with a hoof and a proud grin. “We left this area back here open so she’ll have plenty of room to play. We tried to pick things that would encourage motor skills and magic manipulation, but we have the classic building blocks and wooden trains, too.”
“And a toy stove, I’m sure,” said Celestia.
“Naturally. Garbanzo was able to find one with a full pan set, utensils, and a deep depth oven, just like the ones we use in the restaurant. When Nilla is ready to start cooking with us next year, she’ll already be acclimated to the equipment we use.”
Celestia turned and pulled Lima into a hug. “It’s all so wonderful. Thank you, Lima.”
“Well, when the mother of your grandchild is the Princess of Equestria, you do try to give your best for both of them,” Lima scoffed. “But I’m glad you like it. I was worried that our meager efforts here wouldn’t be up to your standards.”
“Oh, I hope you don’t truly feel that way,” said Celestia, and she pulled back to look Lima in the eyes. “What you have done—and what you have to give—will always far exceed my wildest expectations. The gilded gold of the palace was created to impress. This,” she swept a hoof to indicate the room, “was created out of love. Nothing can ever be better than that.”
“I’ll try to remember that,” Lima said with a grin. “But I do have one question. Do you have any spells that can protect against newborn magic discharges? I’ve heard that is an issue with unicorns, and if Nilla is an alicorn, well…”
“I do know several such spells, and they are easy to cast,” Celestia said. “I will make sure everything here is protected.”
“Thank you. But I suppose we should get going. Princess Cadence was pretty insistent on my punctuality when she stopped by and gave me the invitation.”
“We probably should,” Celestia replied. “But if we are late, just blame me and my overactive bladder.”
“I never realized how small it could be until I was pregnant with Baked,” Lima said knowingly. “And Cadence will see for herself here in the near future, it sounds like.”
“Indeed. It’s a good thing the Crystal Palace has a lot of restrooms,” Celestia said with a laugh.
“It’ll be nice for Nilla to have somepony close to her age to play with,” Lima said as they made their way to the door. “And then there will be Wysteria’s twins, as well. Oh! Good gravy!” Lima suddenly turned to her right and made a beeline to a sliding door. “I hope I didn’t just see what I thought I saw.”
“What is that?” Celestia asked.
“We’ve had a problem with gophers in the yard as of late,” Lima said. “I thought I just saw one. You wouldn’t happen to know how to get rid of the little pests, would you?”
“I’m afraid not,” Celestia said.
“Well, why don’t you come yell at them or something. Maybe they’ll get scared and leave.”
“I’m not sure that would work, but I suppose I could try,” Celestia said. She remembered to duck through the back door, but once she picked her head up, she inadvertently let out a small whinny of alarm.
“Surprise!”
Celestia gasped, then smiled and laughed. “Cadence! You brought everypony here? I thought you said we were going to have the party at the palace!”
“I did,” Cadence said with a mischievous grin. “But as soon as I saw Bean’s house, I knew we had to have the party here.”
“Hello, everypony!” Celestia greeted her in-laws, her sister, and the Element Bearers with a pleased grin. “It’s so good to see you all here! Sunset Shimmer!” The princess pulled her former student in with more laughter and a few tears. “You made it! I was worried you wouldn't be able to come.”
“How could I miss something like this?” Sunset asked as the group moved to surround the solar princess in a large group hug. “I knew I had to come as soon as I saw your invitation in my book.”
“Yeah!” Fava added. “Plus, we get a day off work! There’s no way any of us would miss this.”
“Sieva, Rarity, Flageolet, so good to have you here,” Celestia said with another hug for them. “Lentil! How have things been at the Waffle Emporium?”
“Pretty good, Princess. Your pancake recipe is one of our best sellers now!”
“Wonderful! But what is all this?” Celestia moved to a large table that had been set up, and she licked her lips as she looked over the snacks that had been provided.
“Just a little something for all of us to enjoy while we party,” Adzuki said while Pinkie Pie bounded by and scattered some sprinkles over a tray of cupcakes. “All of your favorites, from what Luna has told us.”
“Oh, this is wonderful!” Celestia said, her heart swelling with joy. “Thank you, everypony!”
“Dig in, Princess!” Rainbow Dash called out. “Just be sure to leave some for us this time!”
“It won’t be easy, but I will try to restrain myself,” said Celestia with a laugh.
* * ✹ * *
“So, did all of you plan this together?” Celestia asked while sitting on the plush chair that had been provided for her.
“Actually, this was all the work of Cadence and Lima,” Cannellini replied, and the other Bean cousins nodded. “We each brought a treat to share, and Pinkie Pie provided the balloons, but everything else was all them.”
“It’s just perfect,” Celestia said with a grin. “I love this decorative canopy you have. I think we might need to borrow it when Cadence has her own baby shower a few months from now.”
“I’m sure we can work something out,” Lima said with a knowing glance to Sieva. “When are you due, Princess Cadence?”
“In about ten months, give or take,” Cadence said with a grin. “Shining Armor and I just got the good news a few days ago.”
“Oh! Where is Trixie?” Celestia glanced around the group, then stood. “I left her in the carriage!”
“Behold! The Great and Powerful Tr-r-rixie!”
A blast of smoke erupted at the edge of the yard, and from within the pink cloud, Trixie and Wysteria both emerged with a grin. “Sorry we’re late,” Wysteria offered. “I can’t move very fast on these swollen fetlocks of mine.”
“Oh my goodness!” Rarity exclaimed. “Here, here. Sit down, darling, and get off those hooves.” The generous fashionista levitated a plush velvet fainting couch over to the rotund secretary, who promptly swooned onto it with a small wumph and a sigh of relief. “You look like you’re ready to pop!”
“I go in next week to get these little stinkers out of there,” Wysteria said. “And it’ll be nice to see my rear hooves again.”
“Will Quillpoint be there?” Luna asked.
“Quill will be there, yes. I insisted on it, actually.” Wysteria chuckled. “I want my twins to know their dad. He and I have actually had several wonderful conversations about them over the past few days. Whatever happens between us, he’ll still be there for them.”
Corporal Quillpoint regarded the Royal Guard secretary who was currently processing his leave paperwork, fidgeting from hoof to hoof and glancing around until he could not hold back.
“Hey, Knotty. You’ve been here since I started, right? And we’re friends, right?”
Knotted Pine gave Quill a dry look from over her glasses while the pen on her desk continued filling out his leave request.
“Well, I need to ask somepony and I really don’t know who and you’re a mother because I remember when we got together to send you a card,” continued Quill in one long breath. “Do you think I should wear my armor into the delivery room? You know. In case Wysteria... gets violent during labor.”
“No,” said Knotted flatly. “Twins.”
“But—” started Quill.
“No!” Knotted gave him a sharp frown that made Quillpoint worry about having taken an extra cookie from the jar for some reason. “She’ll hurt her hooves on the metal. Take it like a stallion, like my husband. You’re going to be in a hospital anyway.” She flipped over another sheet. “Might as well get your sick leave request in now. Wys has a mean left hook.”
“Hopefully, he’ll remember to take some time off after the birth, too,” Wysteria added. “Or I’m going to slug him.”
“I doubt that will be a problem,” Luna said with a smile, and Wysteria nodded.
“Probably. But enough about me; we’re here for Celestia and Nilla.”
“This is still just so… so weird,” Sunset said. “I never thought, in a million years, that you would find a husband and start a family, Princess. You always seemed so content with the life you had when I was your student.”
“Oh, I was content,” Celestia admitted. “And I would still be content if Bean and I had never met. But I’m grateful beyond words that we managed to find each other. I never realized how—” the princess paused, and her hoof began to rub her belly “—how lonely I was during Luna’s banishment. I’ve had many friends over the centuries, of course, but it just wasn’t quite the same. I don’t think I could ever express how overjoyed I am to have all of you as my family and friends. I no longer stand alone, and I have all of you to thank for that.”
A collective “aww!” broke out as Celestia pulled Sunset into a hug with her wing, and for a few moments, there was a cheerful mass of chatter as everyone offered their thanks for the kind and sincere words.
“Tell me, Sunset, how have things been going for you in the other dimension?” Celestia as the partygoers began to chat with each other.
“They’ve been going well, Your Highness. We’re just about to start midterm testing, and Twilight’s counterpart has been helping me and my friends to study. I feel more prepared this year than ever before.”
“Good. What of the sirens? Do you know what happened to them?”
Sunset shook her head. “Nobody knows where they went, but then, nobody has cared to look. Twilight—Princess Twilight, I mean—figured that they would be harmless without their charm necklaces, so we decided it wasn’t worth it to hunt them down.”
“I would hope they have learned something in their defeat,” said Celestia, “and that they will choose their actions a little more wisely in the future.”
“That’s because you see the good in everybody. Er, everypony,” Sunset said.
“I try to. I saw much good in you, after all,” Celestia replied with a chuckle.
“I don’t know how you could, but I’m glad you didn’t give up on me.”
Celestia hummed a happy note and smiled. “How is my counterpart doing? We have shared some messages back and forth, but those notes can only tell me so much.”
“Principal Celestia is doing pretty good,” Sunset said thoughtfully, and then she snickered. “And you’ll be happy to know that she and the human Bean are getting pretty close. Rarity pointed out the other day that the two of them are rarely seen apart anymore around school.”
“I have gotten that impression from her in our shared messages,” Celestia said with a grin.
“We all figure Bean will propose, but probably not until spring or summer of next year,” Sunset went on. “He’s one of those chivalry gentleman types that holds doors open for women and all that, so he’s going slow and being gentle. They’ll be a cute couple together, once they finally take the plunge.”
“I’m sure they will be, and I hope she finds the same happiness that I have.”
“So what is your Bean up to right now? Is he running Equestria all by himself?” Sunset asked with a smirk.
Celestia chuckled. “Not quite…”
“Oakwood, where are you taking me?” Sego Lily asked with a laugh. “I think you’re lost.”
“I don’t blame you for thinking that, but I actually do know where I am going for a change,” Oakwood said with a grin. “It’s just around the corner. I hope.”
Sego Lily laughed again, and her wing gave him a playful nudge. “Next time, leave the directions to me, you goofball. Though I like walking with you.”
“See? All part of my master plan.” Oakwood bobbed his eyebrows, but then his eyes went to something down the street. “Ah! There it is. The finest restaurant in Salt Lick.”
“The Zuerst?” Sego Lily asked as they approached the slate-grey building.
“Yeah! All of the travel brochures said this was the best place to get a bite to eat, no question. It’s so popular, you have to have a reservation to even get in. Unfortunately, the only times they had open were at lunch,” he admitted with a sheepish grin.
“I’m down for a fancy lunch.” Sego Lily giggled when Oakwood brushed up against her side, and her wing went over his back to pull him into a hug. “So long as this isn’t one of those froo-froo places that gives you two ounces of cat food on a plate with some sprig leaves.”
“Shouldn’t be. All of the reviews mentioned that the portion sizes were very generous. If anything, we should be so full that we won’t be able to eat dinner.”
“Is it expensive?” Sego Lily asked. “I don’t want to spend all of our money in one place.”
“It’s a bit pricey, but not outrageously bad, and we should get our money’s worth.” Oakwood jogged ahead, pulled the door open, and motioned with his other hoof to the interior. “After you, my fair maiden.”
“Why thank you, good sir!” Sego giggled. Once inside, she took a moment to admire the bright lighting and the polished wood of the interior, but once Oakwood was by her side again, they both turned to face the maître d’.
“Good afternoon.” A white unicorn, dressed in a sharply pressed tuxedo greeted them with a broad smile. “Welcome to the Zuerst. My name is Shining Armor, and it will be my pleasure to assist you today. Do you have a reservation?”
Sego Lily and Oakwood both took a step back. “Wait a minute. Shining Armor?” Oakwood asked. “As in Prince Shining Armor, Emperor of the Crystal Empire and Captain of the Royal Guard?”
“Not quite,” Shining Armor replied. “Emperor has too many negative connotations in the Empire, so I’m only a prince normally. But for today, I am simply your humble maître d’, so no formalities are needed. Now then, do you have a reservation?”
It took a minute for the pair to remember how to talk. “Uh… yeah. We have a reservation. Should be under ‘Oakwood.’”
Shining Armor glanced down to a list on the podium in front of him, then back to them. “Ah, yes. Right this way, please. We have a table ready just for you.”
The dumbfounded couple followed the Hero of the Crystal Ponies to their table, and once he had seated them, he produced two large menus. “The house special today is the prime butternut squash, a la provincial. Stuffed with chestnuts and basted in Chardonnay, it is one of the newest, most popular, and most succulent meals on the menu. The house is also pleased to offer a full and extensive selection of fine wines, by the glass or by the bottle. May I suggest an appetizer to get you started?”
Sego glanced between Oakwood and the unexpected host. “Um, no. I think we’ll be fine.”
Shining Armor nodded with a smile. “Your waiter will be with you momentarily. Please, enjoy your meal.”
Neither pony said anything as Shining Armor moved back to the front of the restaurant, but once they thought he was out of earshot, the surprised couple shared a laugh between them.
“You didn’t tell me Shining Armor would be here!” Sego said.
“I had no idea he’d be here, either!” Oakwood said with another glance back to the front. “Makes me wonder why on earth he’s working here.”
“Maybe he lost a bet with somepony, and now he has to do a commoner’s job for a day,” Sego offered.
“Makes as much sense as any other explanation. Still, that was a nice surprise, wasn’t it?”
Sego Lily leaned back and gave Oakwood a sly grin. “Yes it was. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to take credit for the fact that he’s here.”
“I wish I could, but it’s all just one big coincidence, I guess. This’ll make for an awesome story later, won't it? I wonder if we could get a picture with him.”
“Maybe you could run back to the hotel and get the camera,” Sego offered.
“Well, let’s eat first. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”
“Me too.” Sego took a few moments to glance over the selections, but then she drew in a long breath. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to pick one! All of these dishes sound so delicious!”
Oakwood nodded. “I think we’ll need to ask the waiter for some suggestions. I told you this place would be amazing.”
“That you did,” she said as hoofsteps approached behind her. “I’ll never question you again.”
“Oh no. Please, question me, by all means,” he replied just as the waiter stopped at their table.
“Good afternoon, everypony! Welcome to the Zuerst. My name is Baked Bean, and… Sego Lily?!”
“Baked Bean?!” Sego yelped and shot out of her chair. “Holy Celestia, what are you doing here?!”
“This is my family’s restaurant,” he said with a laugh to the hovering mare. “Remember? I told you they owned one.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t tell me it was this one!” she shot back. “Shouldn’t you be in Canterlot or something?”
“Normally I would be, but Celestia is having her baby shower today, so my dad needed me to step in for my mom,” Bean replied as Sego Lily slowly dropped out of the rafters and back into her chair. “It’s good to see you again, though! How’s everything been for you?”
“You two know each other?” Oakwood asked.
“We ran into each other in Canterlot once,” said Sego. “And I mean literally ran into each other. The prince bought me lunch as an apology, and we spent the day touring the city together.”
“This was before I was married to Celestia,” Bean added. “May I ask who you are?”
“Oh!” Sego stretched out a hoof and patted Oakwood’s. “Your Highness, this is Oakwood. We met about six months ago in Fillydelphia and we just got married three days ago. We’re on our honeymoon now.”
“Really?!” Bean slightly squealed in delight. “Congratulations! That’s wonderful, Sego. I’m glad you found your special somepony.”
“Me too,” Sego said with a giggle and a shared smile with her new husband.
“I tell you what. In honor of the occasion, your meal is on the house. No, no!” Bean held up a hoof to block the protests. “I insist! Please, order whatever you like, and I will personally see to it that you receive our absolute finest. I can say that since I’m not the one cooking,” he added with a wink. “Now, what can I get started for you? Would you like some recommendations?”
“Wait. Is this all why Prince Shining Armor is here, too?” Oakwood asked, and Bean nodded.
“Officially, Princess Celestia asked him to keep an eye on me, so I wouldn’t burn down the restaurant. I’ve nearly managed it a time or two,” Bean quipped. “Unofficially, he’s getting some ideas for a romantic dinner he wants to have for Princess Cadence’s birthday in a few weeks. Now! What can I get going for you? The house special is quite delectable, if I may say, but I would also like to direct your attention to the ricotta gnudi with wild mushroom and truffle sauce. I think you’ll find the pecorino romano cheese infuses the whole dish a pleasantly sharp and salty taste. If you pair that with a classic pinot blanc, your tastebuds will never be the same.”
* * ✹ * *
“Let’s see. This next one is from Fava.” Celestia grinned, and her magic fairly shredded the wrapping paper as she pulled it off the present. The princess removed the lid from the thin box once it was fully exposed, and she gasped as her magic pulled out a light green onesie. “Oh, I love it! Look at the little ducks on the front! Thank you so much!”
“Told you she’d like it,” Fava said with a knowing grin to her mother.
“Yes, yes,” Adzuki rolled her eyes and let out a huff with an annoyed smile. “You win.”
“Luna?” Celestia held up a box that was wrapped in a starry blue paper and topped with an intricate bow. “You didn’t have to get me a present. You’ve already done so much at the palace for Nilla and myself.”
Luna nodded. “I should confess that my present is not really a present, I suppose. But you will understand once you open it.”
Celestia gave her sister a confused look as she unwrapped and opened the box, but when she saw what was inside, a large smile overtook her face. “Ah! I see what you mean. I’m glad you brought it here; I totally forgot to bring it.”
“What is it?” Fluttershy asked.
Celestia’s magic pulled a plush green crocheted baby blanket from the box, and all of Bean’s family gasped once they realized what—and more specifically, where—this blanket had come from.
“You finished Mom’s blanket!” Sieva said through a sob of delight.
“Just yesterday, in fact. What do you think?” Celestia passed the blanket over to Sieva and Lima for a thorough inspection.
“It’s just as good as she would have done,” Seiva said after a moment with a pleased smile.
“I fully intend on swaddling her as much as possible with it,” said Celestia. “And I will make sure Nilla knows just how deeply her Great-Grandma Pole loved her.”
“Thank you, Princess,” Lima offered. “Would you mind if we showed this to Dad? He’d love to see how it turned out.”
“Of course,” Celestia said with a nod. “Well, it looks like there’s just one present left! This one is from Cadence, and I bet I can guess what it is.”
Unlike the other presents, Cadence had not wrapped the thin silver case, but she had tied a golden ribbon and bow around it. Celestia giggled a little as she removed the ribbon, and when she opened the case, she turned it so the assembled guests could see what was inside.
“What are those?” Chowder asked. “They look like crystals.”
“Not just any crystals,” Cadence said. “These are Nilla’s Crystalling Crystals. Uncle Bean and Aunt Celly will pick one of these, and it will be used in conjunction with the crystal heart to officially accept and herald in Epiphany Vanilla Bean as the newest citizen of the Crystal Empire, and thus as an official Crystal Pony. Every newborn foal in the Empire is given this honor, as is every foal born to the Royal Couple of Equestria.”
Applejack gave a low whistle of approval as the party guests admired the selection. “They sure are pretty. Does it matter which one they pick?”
“Ideally, it should be the crystal with the sharpest cut, the purest color, and the clearest clarity.”
“Shoot, Ah’m glad it’s y’all that’ll be pickin’, then.” Applejack blinked a few times and pulled back in an apparent attempt to get a better look. “They all look exactly the same to me.”
“That’s what Shining Armor said, too,” said Cadence with a giggle. “But I’m sure Nilla’s parents will find the perfect one.”
“I shall have my Bean sniff it out as soon as we get home,” Celestia joked. “Thank you, Cadence.”
“You’re welcome, Aunt Celly.” Cadence gave Celestia a hug, but she grinned deeply when she pulled back. “Now, how about some games? I have one that everyone will love. Twilight, do you remember playing baby buggy bumpers?”
Twilight giggled. “I sure do! This is gonna be great!”
“Is this a game we can all play?” Celestia asked, and Cadence nodded as her magic produced a large bag of jumbo sized marshmallows.
“You bet, and you’re going to hate me by the time we get done,” Cadence said while sharing a giggle with Twilight. “The game is simple enough: each of us will put one marshmallow in our mouth, and then say the phrase ‘baby buggy bumpers.’ Then, you put another marshmallow in, and another, and another, until you can’t put anymore in, or if you spit one out while talking. The pony with the most marshmallows is the winner.”
“Then my sister has already won,” Luna said with a bob of her eyebrows. “She has the biggest mouth of all of us.”
“Yours is twice is large, I’m sure.” Celestia stuck out her tongue to Luna, then giggled with the rest of the group.
“Bet I can get more in than you can, Rarity!” Rainbow Dash called out.
“Oh, it is on!” Rarity replied with a determined grin and a snort.
* * ✹ * *
“Oh!” Sego Lily laughed as she slouched in her chair, and her hoof rubbed her swollen stomach. “I don’t think I could eat another bite! That was delicious!”
“So, you don’t want any dessert?” Oakwood asked with a sly grin.
“There’s always room for dessert,” Sego countered. “Should we get our own, or do you want to share?” she asked with a bob of her eyebrows.
“Hmm…” Oakwood made a show of tapping his chin and making loud, thoughtful noises. “I want to share everything with you, of course, but this is dessert we’re talking about here.”
“Did I hear somepony say dessert?” Baked Bean reappeared at the table with a chair in his hoof, and he placed it next to their table.
“We were thinking about it,” Sego said. “Got any recommendations?”
“Try the triple chocolate fudge cheesecake,” Bean said in a low whisper. “The recipe is a closely guarded family secret, and you’ll not find a more exquisite cheesecake anywhere else. Celestia herself nearly declared it to be the official dessert of Equestria when I first made it for her.”
“Cheesecake it is, then,” Sego announced.
“Of course,” Bean said with a nod. “I’ll get you both a slice. Trust me, you won’t want to share.”
The newlyweds chuckled as Bean retreated back to the kitchen, but then Oakwood turned his full attention to his bride. “You never told me you’d met Prince Bean.”
“Yeah.” Sego chuckled nervously. “I might have had a small crush on him, and I did some stupid stuff before we parted ways. You’re not mad, are you?”
“Not at all,” Oakwood said. “I’d like to hear the story sometime, if you don’t mind.”
“It’s actually a pretty fun story, all in all,” Bean said as he placed two gigantic slices of succulent cheesecake goodness in front of the pair. “But I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to, Sego Lily.”
“It’s okay. To be honest, I’d kinda forgotten about the whole thing.”
Bean chuckled. “I would say that’s a good thing. You moved on, and it led to something wonderful.”
“Yeah, it did,” Sego said with a deep smile.
“If you don’t mind, I’d also like to hear how you two met,” Bean said as he sat in the chair he’d brought over. “I bet it was super-romantic and full of sappy love songs.”
Oakwood snickered, and Sego Lily blushed. “Actually, when we first met, she threatened to throw me out a window. Thankfully, her brother stepped in and saved the day.”
“Oh, now I have to hear the tale now.” Bean scooched his chair closer to the table with an eager grin. “Tell me everything.”
* * ✹ * *
“Are you doing okay, Wysteria?” Celestia asked as she levitated a glass of water to her faithful secretary. “You swallowed a lot of marshmallows.”
“I’m just fine,” Wysteria replied. “But thanks for checking. I’ve stuffed far more food in my mouth during my frequent craving flares, trust me.”
Celestia sat down, then nodded to where Trixie was talking with Chowder. “Between you and me, I’m actually going to miss Trixie when she leaves. She’s really thrown herself into her work, and she’s carried on wonderfully while you’ve been out. She’s not quite as good as you are, but you taught her well.”
Wysteria nodded in agreement. “Gotta admit I’ll miss her, too. The extra help was greatly appreciated, and not just because of my pregnancy. It’s quite the juggling act to take care of everything for you, Luna, and Prince Bean, so having Trixie around took some of that pressure off.” There was a brief pause before Wysteria added “Do you think we could hire a replacement?”
“I’m sure we could,” Celestia said, her eyes still on the vibrant showmare. “But I get the feeling that we may not have to. Whenever Trixie speaks of leaving, her voice drops and she takes on a forlorn expression. I would dare say that you and I have provided her with everything she ever wanted, in a way.”
“How so?”
“Well, we have given her the grandest stage to perform on and a captive audience. You know of the feints, tricks, and slights of hoof that have to be performed to cajole the nobility into action, and Trixie now performs to the most exclusive of patrons at the behest of a Princess and a Prince. She receives accolades and praise when her show excels, and she has a steady stream of bits coming into her coffers, to top it all off.
“Yes, I think she enjoys performing here,” Celestia went on with a thoughtful grin. “I could be wrong, but I think Trixie has found some sense of purpose with us, and with that, genuine joy and happiness. To leave all of that would be rather hard for anypony.
“But, I suppose time will tell. The call of the open road is a powerful one, and Trixie relishes crowds and attention. She has also put much preparation into her new show and into her new wagon, so…” Celestia trailed off as Wysteria flipped to her right side on Rarity’s couch, spread her rear legs, grunted, then flipped back to the left. “Are you all right?”
“I will be,” she snorted. “Horsenpfeffer told me I’d have issues with swollen udders when I got close to the due date.”
“Oh! Well, that sounds like a—” Celestia cleared her throat and turned her head to look at some distant cloud in the sky “—rather personal problem. I certainly don’t want to interfere.”
“You’ll have the same problem soon enough,” Wysteria said with a slightly wicked cackle. “Just you wait.”
Wysteria drew in a long, deep breath as she counted the two hundred seventy-eight tiles and twenty-one overhead lights of the delivery room one more time. All of the exams had been completed, the epidural had been administered, and everypony was ready to proceed.
It was time to give birth to her twins.
Outwardly, Wysteria maintained the calm, professional demeanor that she was renowned for. Inwardly, however, she was a nervous wreck, though she really had no reason to be. Doctor Horsenpfeffer was going to be overseeing the c-section, and the finest surgeons and nurses had been called in to assist at Celestia’s request. Even Banana Split—who was fussing and fawning over her like a mother hen who was eagerly awaiting a new batch of chicks—was there to provide all of her assistance and skill, so the secretary was in the care of the finest staff that could be found.
Those facts had been a great comfort when her mind wandered off, searched out the worst possible way for the twins to be born under, and then offered that for her review.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Celestia called out, though her words were muffled by the thick metal elevator doors. “The maintenance pony should be here any minute now.”
“Do it!” Wysteria bellowed, her words twisted and deformed into a tartarus-spawned pitch of pure evil as her body was wracked by another labor pain. “I refuse to have my children born out of wedlock, and if I kill Quill now, I won’t be able to collect on his life insurance policy!”
“I think I’ve just about got the door open,” Quill said, his spear wedged in between the uncooperative doors. “There’s no need to do anything rash.”
“Don’t you even start with me!” Wysteria snarled as a darkness worthy of Nightmare Moon began to flood the tiny chamber. “You’re responsible for this!”
“Hey, I’m the one who said you needed to get to the hospital. It’s not my fault you passed off your labor pains as a bad batch of indigestion!”
“Quill, listen to me very closely,” Wysteria’s tone was deadly quiet, and her eyes began to burn a hole through his breastplate. “When Celestia asks ‘do you take Wysteria as your lawfully wedded,’ you will say yes. You will then get these doors open and help deliver my twins, or so help me Luna, I will get you and your sorry flanks knocked back to Private so fast it’ll make your head spin, and while it's spinning, I’m going to rip the horn clean off your head and mount it on my wall as a trophy. Have I made myself clear?”
The captured corporal swallowed hard, and he began levering the elevator doors open with all his might. “Transparently!”
Wysteria shook her head. While she was looking forward to less nausea and a smaller profile the most, she wasn’t going to miss the wild, most-likely-hormone-fueled worst case scenarios that her mind cheerfully offered up to her on a regular basis.
“You holding up okay?”
Celestia’s faithful secretary smiled and tilted her head to Quillpoint. Even with the surgical mask on, she could tell he was just as anxious as she was, but he repeatedly patted her hoof in an effort to provide what comfort he could.
“I’m just the same as I was when you asked thirty seconds ago,” Wysteria said.
“Right. Sorry.”
“Please don’t stop asking,” she added, and she felt a tingle of comfort when she saw his smile in the corners of his eyes.
“So, you doing okay?”
Wysteria nodded. “So far, yes.”
“Has the epidural kicked in yet?”
“I think so.” Wysteria mentally reached out to her extremities. “I can’t feel my rear hooves.”
“Don’t tell Horsenpfeffer, but I told the anesthesiologist to give you a little bit extra,” Mama Nana said in a conspiratorial whisper. “I try to make sure new mommies get a little more just to be sure. I’ll get you set up with your own, Quill, if you ask nicely.”
Quill looked like he might take the offer for a moment, but then he shook his head. “Somepony needs to be standing and upright for this. I might need one after the birth, though.”
Wysteria rolled her eyes and drew in a long but amused breath. “And here I thought all Royal Guardsponies were tough and rugged. I didn’t realize you’d fall apart over one pregnant mare giving birth.”
“In my defense, twins. Also, the section on live births in the Royal Guard Manual is only one page,” Quill replied. “If I’m going by that, I’m just supposed to keep you comfortable while summoning a competent medical professional.”
“So, in reality, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing,” Wysteria noted with a grin.
Quill thought the idea over for a moment. “I suppose I am,” he said softly.
“Hello everypony!” Doctor Horsenpfeffer made her grand appearance, and a pair of ponies followed in her wake, each prepped and ready for the surgery. In a few long strides, the periwinkle professional physician was over to Wysteria’s side, and she patted the secretary’s free hoof. “I think it’s high time we get those little stinkers out of there, don’t you?”
“It’ll be nice to hold down my lunch again,” Wysteria quipped. “When I’m able to have lunch around twins, that is.”
A grunt came from the guard at her side, and her attention moved over to Quill. It was hard to tell with the surgical mask in the way, but to her, it looked like the father of her foals was deep in thought, and was trying to articulate his thoughts but was unable to.
“Well, no time like the present!” Horsenpfeffer announced. “Let’s get started. You remember my colleagues, Doctor Sure Stitch and Nurse Red Heart?”
Wysteria nodded. “Of course.”
“They’ll be assisting me on this end, and Mama Nana will help you and Quill out on that end. Once we get started, things are going to go pretty quick, so just relax as much as you can for me. Shall we begin?”
Wysteria nodded.
“Good! Now, we’re going to put up a screen between us, mostly so Quill doesn’t see something that’ll make him queasy or faint. We want to keep all of our attention on you,” Horsenpfeffer said with a wink. “Mama Nana?”
The midwife swiftly inserted two poles on either side of the bed, and a white sheet was hung between those to block the view. Wysteria drew in another long breath as Nana tucked in the sheet around her chest.
“Let’s test out that epidural,” Horsenpfeffer said from somewhere. “Do you feel that, Wysteria?”
“No, I don’t feel anything.”
“Marvellous! Mama Nana must have given you a little extra,” the doctor said. “Okay. We’re going to make the first incision now. You might feel some pulling sensations, but that’s normal. Doctor?”
“Scalpel,” Doctor Sure Stitch stated.
Wysteria offered a soft, reassuring smile to Quill, whose gaze was firmly on her. “Are you okay?”
“Just fine,” he said. “Do you need anything?”
“My throat is a little dry,” she said.
“Oh! Here, here.” A spoon with an ice chip floated over, and Wysteria took the offering. “I’m not doing so well, am I?”
Another ice chip appeared, and the secretary gently accepted it. Even during the rough patches of their relationship and through their separation, this steadfast guard had strived to perform his duty, and there was no doubt in her mind that he would provide for and be present for his foals.
Perhaps she had been a bit too harsh on him. She knew that she could be pushy, overbearing, and as much as she might not want to admit it, even snide and overly sarcastic. Her duties as Celestia’s personal secretary practically demanded these particular traits—especially when she had to deal with the older, more established noble families who felt entitled due to their long legacies and connections.
But before she and Quill had been sent to the Sandwich Islands by Discord, Wysteria had not needed to separate her personal life from her professional one. Her position required long hours, so by the time she got home in the evenings, she usually only had enough time to take care of a few household chores, and collapse into bed. She didn’t even have any houseplants. Time was a precious commodity, and it always irked her if she saw it being wasted.
Quill had tried, though, to adapt to her demands. As she thought back over when they had been together, she could see the genuine effort he had put into trying to please her and to follow her instructions. He had cut back on his own personal needs to meet hers, and she had never really reciprocated the actions to him.
Yes, it annoyed her when he would plop his fat rump into her favorite recliner and open the newspaper, but surely he was allowed a few moments of peace in a day. His time was highly regimented and always active, and in a way, he had a mirror image of her busy day.
“Quill?” she said, and she snickered as another ice chip quickly appeared. “Thanks, but I don’t need that.”
“What do you need?” he asked, the concern heavy in his words.
It was a worthy question, particularly worthy of distracting her attention from the activity taking place in her numb lower body as the doctors continued their relatively silent process of modern birth. “I think… well, I suppose that… I mean, I want to—”
Her words were cut off when a small, high-pitched cry cut through the air, and her heart leapt into her throat.
“Number one!” Horsenpfeffer proudly called out, and she held up a small foal, still covered and coated in amniotic fluids, over the blind for Wysteria to see. “A beautiful unicorn girl, Miss Wysteria, and she’s got a fantastic set of lungs! Dad, would you like to step over here and help us clean her off?”
Quill glanced to Wysteria, and she nodded to him through the tears that had come unbidden. “Congratulations, Dad.”
Even with the mask, Wysteria could see his smile, and he eagerly moved to the other side of the blind. Another cry split the air, and Horsenpfeffer cheered again before holding up another foal.
“Number two! Another healthy and delightful unicorn girl, Wysteria. Oh, are you in for it now! These two are going to pull every identical twin prank in the book, I can tell. I’ll have to give you some pointers that I picked up with my twins.”
Wysteria nodded and sobbed slightly. She wasn’t sure where this surge of overjoyed emotions had come from, but she didn’t care.
She was a mother to two healthy twin girls. After ten and a half months of sleepless nights, pinched nerves, hormonal mood swings, bizarre food cravings, and more vomit than any pony should ever have to deal with, the ordeal was finally over.
“And here comes number three!” Horsenpfeffer proudly stated.
“Three?!” Wysteria and Quill shouted together.
“Ha!” Horsenpfeffer chortled. “That never gets old! I’m just kidding. We’re done.”
For a moment, Wysteria plotted out how to get the amusing doctor ‘reassigned’ to somewhere near the middle of nowhere, but she forgot all about her nefarious scheme and let out a shuddering sob when Quill reappeared with her foals. Each one was wrapped up so snugly in a pink blanket that they looked like little baby burritos, and with all of the caution and care that he had, her Quill passed the twins to her. She kissed each one on the forehead before pulling them into her tender embrace, and she began to coo to them with tears streaking down her cheeks.
“They’re perfect,” Wysteria whispered.
“Of course they are,” Quill said. “You made them.”
“You helped.” Her horn lit, and she pulled Quill into a kiss. “Thank you.”
“We’ll be done on this end in just a moment,” Horsenpfeffer announced. “Just sewing you back up.”
Quill then cleared his throat, and his magic pulled the surgical mask away from his face. “Wys, I realize this might not be the best time, but I want to talk to you about us.” The corporal hesitated slightly, but he plowed on before Wysteria could say anything. “I know I haven’t been a very good special somepony, and I drive you insane a lot of the time, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I… well, I want to try again.”
“Again?” Wysteria asked. She could not help but glance down at the two quiet foals resting on her chest, then back up at him as if he were planning to make a joke about having an even dozen or something. Thankfully, he was looking quite serious, with unexpected tears trickling down his cheeks and the appearance of absolute sincerity.
“Yeah. I want to make us happen,” he said. “I want to help out with the twins. I want to be a dad to them, and I want to be there with them. And you,” he quickly added. “I want all of us to be together. No visitation rights or any of that kind of stuff. Your daughters should have all of the love and support they can possibly get. You should have all of that, too.”
“They’re our daughters, Quill,” she said with a grin.
A small grin was mirrored back, and he chuckled. “Right. Our daughters. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is… well, Miss Wysteria, I’m saying that we should be a family, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I want to be with you, and I’m going to change so—”
“Stop right there,” she ordered. “I’ve heard enough.”
Quill clamped his lips shut, but only for a moment. “I understand. I’ll get with the attorney, and—”
Wysteria’s magic clamped around his muzzle, and she pulled him so close that his nose was touching hers. “Yes, Quill.”
“Mmpth?”
“Let’s get married,” she went on as her magic released him. “I want you in my life. I want you in our daughter’s lives. And I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. It’s going to take some work, but let’s do it. Together.”
Corporal Quillpoint, at that moment, had a smile as wide as Equestria, and though he denied it ever after, streams of tears slid down his cheeks. “Together,” he repeated.
“So!” Horsenpfeffer said as she came up to the pair, and the sheet separating Wysteria in two was removed by Nurse Red Heart. “What are you going to name your little stinkers?”
“Quill Junior, for this one,” Quill said as he gave the cream-colored twin on his special somepony’s right a little kiss. “Number Two for the other one. That’ll make it easy to keep track of them.”
“I dunno,” Wysteria interjected with a grin. “I was thinking of something else. Why don’t we call this one here Elegant Flourish,” she said with a wiggle for the daughter on her right, “and this one can be Lilac,” she said with a wiggle of the daughter on the left. “Lilac Inkwell sounds pretty, don’t you think?”
Quill nodded. “After your grandmother,” he said with a kiss. “They both sound perfect.” He hesitated, then pointed to both of them. “Wait a minute. Which one is Elegant and which one is Lilac, again? Can we get fetlock bands or something?”
* * ✹ * *
“Twins,” Baked Bean said with a grin, and he glanced over to his own gravid wife as they turned to enter the main garage for the palace. “Wysteria thought she was busy before. I knew they’d be small, but not quite that small.”
“Twins always are a week or two early, and grow into it fairly rapidly,” Celestia replied as she gave him a playful bump. “But they are in the hooves of a most loving mother and father. They’ll both do well.”
“I was a bit surprised to see how gold their eyes were,” Bean went on with a return bump for his wife. “They seemed to be very alert and attentive. They stole their mom’s black hair, that’s for sure.”
“Wysteria did say black manes were a trait of all Inkwells. Perhaps Nilla will have your lovely earth-brown coloring, too.”
“Nah,” Bean scoffed. “She’ll have your colorful streaks, I’m sure. And your eyes. Big, beautiful magenta eyes to drive all the colts wild when she starts dating.”
“We will see,” Celestia said, her magic pushing the doors to the garage.
The Royal Couple said nothing more as they passed the chariots, carriages, and the few mechanics at work in the cavernous room, but their focus remained on a blue unicorn in a star-studded hat and cape who stood just inside the open access door, a brightly painted showmare’s wagon in front of her. Her gaze moved to the pair as they approached, and she offered a quick curtsey to them before speaking.
“Good afternoon, Your Highnesses. Did you come to see Trixie’s amazing exit, stage left?”
“We did,” Celestia said. “But we wanted to offer our most sincere thanks to you one last time before you left. You have done exceptionally well, Miss Lulamoon, and you will be missed. I hope you will bring your show to Canterlot soon. Bean and I will be sure to purchase front-row seats.”
“Thank you,” Trixie said, and she drew in a long breath as her gaze moved back to the wagon. “Well, Trixie supposes this is it. Trixie hates long good-byes, so I will say ‘farewell’ and be on my way.”
“We wish you safe travels and all the best as you do so,” Bean offered.
Trixie nodded, but she didn’t move towards the front of the wagon. For several long moments, she simply stared at the twinkle blue paint that covered the sideboards.
“Is something wrong?” Bean asked with a knowing grin.
Trixie ran a hoof along the rim of the rear wheel, but her gaze remained fixed. “No, nothing is wrong. Trixie just…” she hesitated. “Trixie is just thinking. Out loud, so you don’t have to wonder.”
“Okay.”
“I mean…” Trixie drew in a long breath, then turned to face the royals. “It’s already pretty late into summer, so Trixie won’t be able to earn as many bits as she normally would. I should have left back in early May, to be honest.”
“Understandable,” Bean said.
“And Lieutenant Spear Point still hasn’t given me my last order of fireworks, and I’d hate to run out on the road,” Trixie went on. “Trixie could also use more provisions, and the hammocks are awfully lumpy, and…” the magician-turned-secretary grinned. “And, after all that, I find that I just can’t say good-bye to the friends I’ve made,” she softly finished. “But Trixie will never admit that to anypony else!” she hastily added.
Bean chuckled, and he took one step forward. “You know, Celestia and I were discussing your departure this morning, and we agreed that Wysteria would need help with her secretarial duties, since she has her twins to care for now. Ideally, there should be a dedicated secretary for the Royal Sisters, and a secretary for the Royal Husband. It would be imperative that the two secretaries have a close rapport with one another, and it was going to be extremely difficult to find another with a skill set equal to yours.
“But, given the multitudinous complications that have arisen in regards to your departure, I feel I should present an offer to extend your current employment. Her Highness and My Beanness would be honored to retain you and your services here.”
Trixie tapped her chin, and her grin grew lecherous. “Maybe. Trixie is in high demand, after all, so I think I need a bit more ‘incentive’ to stay here.”
“Fair enough. What say we increase your salary, match ten percent of your retirement contributions, and give you access to that little outdoor area next to the southern gardens once a week for you to practice your stage show. Oh, and a promotion would seem to be in order. Secretary Trixie has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“It does,” she said thoughtfully.
“I think we might even be able to loosen the dress code for you,” Celestia added. “I know the Official Secretarial Collar has long been an irritation for you.”
“Believe it or not, Trixie has actually gotten used to that stupid thing,” Trixie said with a roll of her eyes. “It’s like a proper hat; it makes me look more distinguished, more official. Still,” she added with a sigh, “your offer is most enticing. Really, it would be foolish not to take it.
“So, Trixie accepts your generous offer,” she said with a bow. “I look forward to my continued service to the crown as The Great and Powerful Trixie, the exclusive secretary to His Highness, Prince Baked Bean. And another week’s paid vacation,” she quickly added.
“Of course,” Bean said, and he shook hooves with the new secretary. “We’ll get it all taken care of.”
Trixie’s horn suddenly lit with magic, and in a flash, a scroll appeared in the air before them. Trixie quickly swiped it out of the air, opened the missive, then floated it over to the Princess with a grin. “Message from the Mayor of Appleoosa, Your Highness.”
“You didn’t burp that one up,” Bean noted with a wry smile.
“Trixie figured out how to get messages the normal way,” Trixie replied smugly. “But maybe I’ll still ‘burp one up’ every now and then. I rather like the disgusted look the nobility gets when I do.”
“I rather like it as well,” Celestia said with a warm smile. “Please, carry on.”
Princess Celestia Bean, Eternal Mare of the Morn, Sol Invicta and Viscountess of the West Weide, drew in a deep breath, then let it out in a small snort. While the visit to Trottingham had been quite pleasant—mostly thanks to her sunny husband and his cheerful demeanor—the train ride and flight to and from the far-off locale was always a bit taxing, and she was looking forward to returning to Canterlot, curling up in bed with her Bean, and then sleeping straight through Sunday.
With a groan, Celestia leaned back in her chair and flared her wings out for a good stretch. A hoof automatically went to her stomach, and a small smile came as she gently caressed the small bump that was comfortably nestled there.
“Just a few more hours, my little Nilla,” she whispered with a comforting coo. “Then we’ll be free of this train car and we can get some rest that’s actually restful.”
“Is everything okay, my love?”
Celestia smiled, and she blew a kiss to her beloved and concerned husband. “I’m fine, Bean. Just stretching my wings a little. Have you finished up with that report yet?”
“Almost. Still got a few subsections to get through,” he said. “I know I’ve already asked you a dozen times today, but I’m going to be obnoxious and ask again: are you sure you’re okay?” Bean’s gaze met hers directly, and he maintained the eye lock as he continued. “It seems like you’ve been growing more and more restless and antsy as the day has gone on.”
“I know,” Celestia said with a small huff. “I’m afraid I have no particular reason to be so ‘antsy,’ as you put it. I just… am.”
“Would it help if I went and made you something to eat?” he offered. “I could whip up something light to snack on.”
“I would like something to nibble, I think. I shall start with you!” Celestia pulled in her beloved husband with her magic, and the two of them giggled for a moment as she nipped his ear and nibbled his neck. “But when we get home, I would greatly appreciate it if you would make that double chocolate fudge pudding cake that you made last week. I’ve been craving it ever since then.”
“I dunno,” Bean said with a sly grin. “I think I need to start weaning you off all the sweets. It’s going to mess with your milk, to say nothing of your post-pregnancy figure. I need to get you used to eating for just one again.”
“Bean, if you try to withhold my desserts from me, I will personally build a jail on the moon and banish you to that,” Celestia said with a wink. “But for now, I think a light salad would be delightful.”
“You wouldn't dare banish me,” he said with a bob of his eyebrows. “You go settle down, and I’ll go get a salad whipped up real quick,” said Bean. “I’ll also get some chamomile tea made, if you’d like.”
“Please. And hurry, or I may decide that Nightmare Moon was on to something and gobble up your backside!” Celestia threatened.
Baked Bean yelped and tried to scamper away, but Celestia was still quick enough to get in one good nip of his rump before he escaped. She smiled and watched his flight to food for a moment, but then she drew in another long breath and a quick snort.
“Your Highness?” Banana Split asked. “At the risk of sounding like a broken record, are you sure you are well?”
“I am, but I appreciate your concern.” Celestia reassured with a small smile that didn’t feel completely sincere. “The last three days in Trottingham have been somewhat taxing, and I believe I fatigued more than anything. I just need some food and a little nap, and all will be well.”
The personal assistant didn’t look convinced, but she nodded. “If you say so, Your Highness.”
“How did you like Trottingham?” Celestia went on. “I hope you and Miss Trixie were able to find something enjoyable to occupy your time.”
“Oh, it was pleasant, Your Highness. I’m glad you invited me to come along; I’ve learned a lot about what I’ll need to do for and with Nilla while you’re in your summits and conclaves. Trixie also tried to show me her neverending kerchief trick, but I’m afraid she kept hog-tying herself, somehow.”
“At least you were there to free her.” Celestia giggled. “Would you mind helping Bean with the food and tea, and could you tell Miss Trixie I need the minutes from the most recent Hays and Wheats committee meeting? I have a few questions regarding their submissions.”
“Of course. I will be right back,” Banana Split replied.
Celestia nodded, watched Mama Nana until she had left the passenger car, then turned to stare at the small bed of cushions in the center of their current accommodations. The unruly, feather-filled rablerousers were being rebellious, and even though she couldn’t articulate why the velvet bundles were irking her, she could do something about it.
Her magic sprang to life, and the entire pile of cushions levitated into the air. Celestia tried sorting them by size, then by color, and then by thickness and if they had tassels or not. Those that failed to fit in with her attempt at organization were tossed into the far corner of the car, but after a minute of sorting and tossing, the Princess noticed that she liked how the discarded pile looked, overall.
The rest of the cushions were promptly sent to join the others, and Celestia kicked off her golden shoes as she moved to the corner. She nudged a few so as to provide more padding along the edges and where she wanted her rump to be, and as she nudged and coaxed, her magic removed and set her peytral and tiara off to one side.
After a few moments of thoughtful grunting and more nudging, Celestia liked what she saw, and she promptly plopped herself down in the middle of the pile. After a bit of wiggling to work out the lumpy spots, she ruffled her wings, flicked her tail to one side, and let out a snort of approval that most definitely was not a honk.
Even if it did sound like one.
But there was still something wrong. Celestia puckered her lips as she glanced at her surroundings, and she studied each item as intently as she would study the line items in Minister Penny Wise’s budget proposals, looking for anything that was amiss or out of place.
Had Bean bumped the thermostat when he had left? The passenger car suddenly felt far too warm, and she let out another snort as sweat began to trickle down her flanks. She couldn’t quite make out what the temperature was set at from her vantage point, but it didn’t matter. With a bit more force than was probably necessary, the Princess twisted the dial to the lowest possible setting and placed a ward on it to make sure it stayed put.
Having taken care of that issue, Celestia again began to study the immediate area, and she quickly found another issue: it was far too bright. She wasn’t sure how it was happening, but somehow, it seemed like the sun had peeled back the top of the car like a griffon tearing into a sardine can, and then it had decided to be eleven times brighter than it should be.
The solution to the problem was simple enough. With no more than a casual flick of magic, Celestia yanked the rebellious sun out of the sky and shoved it behind the western horizon, where it would sit in time-out until it learned its lesson.
Still, the Princess was not content. She twisted a bit more to work out a new lump that had decided to push up near her abdomen, flopped to her right, back to her left, and then laid on her back to spread her rear legs apart.
“Why can’t I get comfortable?” Celestia grumbled. “This is ridiculous. I must have been sitting for too long. Now my back is starting to hurt.”
Celestia stretched herself out on the cushions, then contracted back to a normal resting position. There was some relief from the ache with the action, but after a few minutes, the pain came back, this time with more force and in a wave that started in her spine and wrapped all the way around her abdomen.
The Official Royal Response to this development was a sharp inhale through clenched teeth and tight lips. Panic quickly followed, but Celestia forced herself to remain calm. “No,” she told herself. “These are not labor pains. I’m not due for another month. I’m just having some cramps, nothing more.”
“Celly?” Baked Bean’s voice provided another soothing layer as he hastily entered the car. He quickly put a tea set and a large salad bowl on the nearby table, then rushed to her side. “What’s going on? The sun just went down, but it’s only three in the afternoon. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.” Celestia said, her breaths growing more rapid by the second. “Bean, I think… I might be going into labor.”
“What? No! You’re not due yet!” Bean said, and he put a hoof on her side. “You’ve got to be cramping or something.”
“Prince Bean?” Banana Split had appeared out of nowhere, and with a quick flick of her hoof, Celestia’s long, sparkling tail was bound up in a bun with an elastic. “Your wife is going into labor.”
“What? Wait! No! She can’t be!”
“Okay, Celestia. Breathe,” Banana Split ordered. “Deep breaths. You need to trust me on this. Nilla is coming. Now.”
“Who’s coming?” Trixie asked as she casually entered, her focus on her clipboard and a small stack of papers in her magic. “I have those minutes you wanted, and… ugh!” Trixie exclaimed, and her magic dropped everything she was holding. “What did Trixie just step in? Eww. Somepony spilled water right here. A pitcher of water, it looks like. Trixie will go get a mop and some rags, and…” the showmare’s gaze moved from the mess on her foreleg to the chaos that was unfolding right in front of her. “Um, does Trixie want to know what is going on?”
A furious scream tore out of Celestia’s throat with the next contraction, and despite the burning urge to hyperventilate, she forced herself to follow Banana Split’s advice. “Augh! She’s coming! It’s too soon! Why is she coming now?!”
“No, no, nononono!” Trixie’s legs were a blur of motion until her rump hit the wall behind her. “Trixie does not do births! Trixie most definitely does not do births!”
“Then get out of here and do something useful!” Banana Split shouted. “Go tell the Guard to get the tracks cleared so we can get to Canterlot as quickly as possible, and then get as much hot water as you possibly can from the dining car! We’re going to need it!”
Trixie needed no further excuse to make herself scarce, and as she hastily departed, Baked Bean grabbed a linen napkin from the tea set and began to dab away the sweat on his wife’s forehead.
The next furious contraction hit Celestia, and her husband was shot across the car by the force of her feral scream, amplified by the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Gah! Horsenpfeffer, you severely understated how painful this would be!”
“Don’t we have any pain killers for her?” Bean asked. “And me,” he added in a low voice and with a wince as he limped back to Celestia’s side.
“I don’t have anything that will touch contractions,” said Banana Split as she grabbed the emergency first aid kit and tore into the contents. “I’m sorry, Your Highness, but you’re going to have to force your way through this one. Bean, get a kerchief or some rags or anything like that and soak it in cold water. Wipe her down and keep her cool.”
“Water. Right.” Baked Bean disappeared, but another stab of unrestrained agony kept Celestia occupied.
“You’re doing just fine, Celestia,” Banana Split offered as she donned a pair of gloves and moved into position to catch the newborn. “I’ve dealt with plenty of early births before. Just keep taking deep breaths, and whenever you feel a contraction, push. The sooner we get Nilla out, the better.”
Celestia nodded weakly, and she tried to breathe like she had been instructed, but it wasn’t easy to keep from hyperventilating. Her precious Epiphany was making her grand appearance far earlier than Celestia had expected, and her mind began to churn with desperate thoughts. Why was this happening? Would Banana Split be able to handle everything by herself? Was Bean going to pass out on them during this ordeal?
Will my precious daughter survive?
Another labor pain tore her thoughts away, and with another screech, her magic surged out and punched a hole in the side of the train car. The Princess managed to regain control of herself once the agony lessened slightly, but it wasn’t going to take much to overwhelm her again.
“I got towels!” Bean reappeared, and Celestia moaned as a cool touch sizzled against her forehead. “Just keep pushing, Celly. I’m here.”
“What have you done to me?” she huffed, and her eyes rolled back in her head. “By my sun and Luna’s stars, this is intolerable!”
“You can incinerate me later,” Bean said, and he wiped away the foam that was building in the corner of her mouth. “Focus on Nilla now.”
“We are never going to have another foal!” Celestia’s guttural roar rattled the walls as a fresh contraction felt like it was tearing her in half. “I am going to have you castrated when we get back to Canterlot, do you hear me? Augh!”
“Trixie has the hot water!” Trixie announced as she burst back into the car, her gaze firmly on the roof. “Trixie will just put this here, and—are those hooves?” she screeched.
“Bean!” Banana Split shouted over the cacophony as Celestia’s magic lashed out once more and created a new skylight. “Get over here and help me! Trixie, take over for Bean! Keep those cold rags on her head and neck!”
The orders were swiftly followed, but Bean’s gasp of alarm did not help Celestia’s current mood. “What is going on down there?” she demanded in a voice that would tame lightning and subdue thunder all at the same time.
“She’s breech!” said Bean. “Her rear hooves are coming out first!”
“We need to get her turned around. Grab here, and here,” Banana Split ordered. “Celestia, I need you to stop pushing so we can fix this.”
“What?!” she bellowed. “How am I supposed to stop?!”
“Fight back against it!” Banana Split ordered. “Do whatever it takes, but Do! Not! Push! until I tell you to! Bean, grab those salad spoons. We’re going to have to improvise.”
The Grand Princess of Equestria wasn’t sure she could endure this much longer. Every new contraction felt ten times stronger and twenty times more painful than the last, and Trixie’s yelps and whines were not helping. The thick sweat clinging to her coat was crushing her burning lungs, and she was sure the tip of her mane was beginning to smoke and smolder. Every last ounce of her screamed for her to push, to expel the small life that was trying to come so the unequaled agony would stop, but with each demand, she rejected and pulled back.
“I AM THE MASTER OF PAIN!” she bellowed through another contraction. “I have conquered continents, leveled cities and brought down brimstone and ruin upon all those who would dare to oppose my Kingdom and hurt my little ponies! I AM CELESTIA BEAN, THE BRINGER OF THE DAY! I WILL PREVAIL!”
“Move that… no, over there,” Banana Split ordered to Bean, and in the all-too-short lull in her contractions when the pain abetted by a hair, Celestia felt some odd twisting and tugging sensations. “Good, hold it. C’mon, you defiant little thing. Turn around. This one is going to be tricky. Just a bit… there! Celestia, push with everything you’ve got!”
The gates burst open, and Celestia poured everything she had into getting her daughter out. Somehow, she could feel the small foal moving, and after some encouragement for “one more really big push!” from Banana Split, Celestia let out a reverberating shout of relief as the pressure and the pain finally dissipated.
Celestia’s breaths came in short, ragged bursts, but her ears flicked and twitched in a frantic search for her newborn’s cry. She desperately wanted to lift her head, to see Epiphany and to know that she was fine, but the princess could barely find the strength to choke out a few words. “Bean?” she moaned. “Is Nilla okay? What’s wrong? Why isn’t she crying?”
“Quick, take that,” Banana Split said. “Hold on.”
“Bean!” Celestia begged in a weak and tired voice. “Please?”
Celestia’s breathing stopped, and her heart was not far behind. The long, silent moments felt like hours, and tears began to flow as the new mother began to feel that the worst had happened.
Had it really all been for naught? After all of the anxieties when Bean had been abducted, and the sleepless nights, and the mood swings, and the nausea, and—
All of her desperate thoughts were suddenly incinerated when a small cry rang out in the car. Celestia gasped, sobbed, then gagged on the tears, but her heart nearly lept out of her chest with an unbounded joy that she’d never felt before.
Epiphany was alive! The sun leapt into the sky in joy with the glorious revelation, and as the brilliant light poured into their ventilated train car, the newest member of the royal family began to scream with a purpose, as if she too was declaring to the world that she would not be defeated so easily.
“That’s more like it!” Banana Split cheered. “Let it out!”
“She’s breathing!” Celestia breathlessly whispered. “She’s going to be okay! I want to see her! Where is she?”
“Wait. How am I supposed to clean…” Bean began to ask somewhere behind her, but then he trailed off. “No. You can’t be serious.”
“Parental bonding,” Banana Split replied tersely while obviously busy with another task. “And you really don’t want to keep a new mother waiting, trust me.”
“Bean?” Celestia weakly asked.
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Bean muttered. Somehow, Celestia found just enough energy to lift her head off the cushions by a few inches, but when her eyes locked onto her husband and her beautifully yellow newborn foal, a deep smile overtook her face.
Baked Bean, despite his obvious disgust, was licking his daughter clean of the amniotic fluids that she had been born in.
“What does it taste like, Bean?” she said with a chuckle that had no energy in it, and her head dropped back to the cushions. “I bet it tastes like cauliflower.”
“I wish,” he said with a gag. “There’s nothing that is even—ugh!—remotely similar to this,” he said.
“Rest, Your Highness,” Banana Split said in a soft but firm tone. “You still need to expel the placenta, so you’re going to feel a few more contractions. It won’t be as bad as the others, though. And congratulations.”
“Trixie?” Celestia found just enough strength to look the secretary in the eye.
“You owe Trixie,” Trixie simply replied.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Your Highness, but can we please not make a habit of this?”
Celestia laughed, and Trixie pressed another cold rag to her neck. “Yes, Miss Lulamoon. We’ll avoid doing this in the future.”
“Celly?” Bean’s warbling voice tickled her ear, and her breathing stilled as he moved up beside her, a small bundle of cloths in his hooves. “There’s somepony here you should meet.”
“Oh, Bean!” Celestia said, and she pulled her daughter into her embrace with tender and slightly trembling hooves. “Look at her! My little sunshine, the same yellow as her father. She's so tiny!”
"Tiny?" Banana Split cut in. "That's got to be the biggest foal I've ever delivered!"
Bean started to say something, but a series of violent dry heaves overtook him before he could speak. In a flash, the new father bolted out of what remained of the train car, but it was impossible to miss his retching before the door completely shut.
“Hello, my little Nilla,” Celestia whispered. “My darling little sunflower. I see you already have your father’s curiosity in you, since you just couldn’t wait to be born! There was just far too much you wanted to see, isn’t there?” Celestia gently licked Nilla’s cheek, and she took a long moment to pull in the foal’s scent. A pair of tiny hooves managed to wiggle loose as the Princess sniffed, and the new mother choked on another sob when those hooves found, then clamped onto her nose.
“Yes! That’s me!” Celestia said between licks. “Mommy’s right here. Can I see your eyes? Open them wide for me.”
Epiphany whimpered and grunted, and her eyes slowly fluttered open. She went cross-eyed for a moment in an apparent effort to figure out how to get her vision to work properly, but then her brilliantly magenta eyes slowly moved up and met Celestia’s own.
“Look at those beautiful, bright eyes!” Celestia cooed. “Bean was right. You’re going to drive all the stallions wild. But what is this? Do I see a little horn in your mane?”
The cloth around Epiphany’s head was gently pulled back, and Celestia couldn’t hold back her cheer of delight. While she would have loved her daughter no matter what, she was secretly pleased beyond words to find that her daughter was a unicorn. The stubby yellow nub was almost completely covered by a mess of earth-brown mane, but it was there, and Celestia gently moved more of the swaddling to check for wings.
She swiftly replaced them when Epiphany began to fuss and shiver, but she tried to take another quick glance before pulling her daughter in to share in her warmth. She had not seen a pair of wings, but the glimpse had been so brief that it could not be conclusive.
Either way, she was here. Alive, and breathing, and so precious that Celestia thought her heart might burst.
It was a feeling that could never be truly matched by anything else. The Grand Princess of Equestria had overseen the lives of countless ponies over her lengthy life, and had learned from hard experience the value of such. She had kissed innumerable foals, and the joy she had felt when Twilight Starbright had been born to Luna had been both singular and was held in fond remembrance.
But now, Celestia held a new life in her trembling embrace. Life she had created along with her husband, grown in her body for endless months, and now was facing the world alongside them as a family. After a millennia of watching over the lives of others, Celestia found that this one little pony—her little pony—was all hers, and that thought filled her with a joy unlike any she’d ever felt before.
“Ugh!” Bean groaned as he reentered the car. “I can’t believe I actually started to appreciate that taste. I gotta get that thought out of my head, or I’m going to heave all over again.”
“Bean!” Celestia stopped licking and motioned for him to come closer with a toss of her head. “She’s just so precious! I apologize for everything I said. This little one was worth all of that pain and then some. Isn’t she just perfect?”
“He, actually,” Bean said. “Celestia, meet your newborn son.”
This statement confused Celestia, and she shared that confusion in her expression with a quick glance to Bean. She pulled away the cloth with what little magic she could conjure, but it only took a moment to confirm what her husband had said.
So many notions had built up in her head over the last several months that the idea refused to conform to the reality of the situation. Epiphany was a filly. This pony was quite obviously a colt. Nopony had slipped into the somewhat extremely well-ventilated train car while she had been distracted, and the yellow coat of the infant was licked down by both father and mother in an ageless sign of parenthood.
But after two additional checks and some serious mental reconfiguration, reality settled in around her like a square peg into a matching hole.
Princess Celestia Bean, Eternal Mare of the Morn, had just given birth to a baby boy.
“She isn’t a…” the princess started, stopped, but then smiled deeply. “So much for my intuition. Hello, my son.”
“Looks like we’re going to have to repaint the nursery,” Bean said as he laid down next to his wife and child.
“And return those hair bows, even if they are adorable,” Celestia added. “But that doesn’t matter. Boy or girl, my child is finally here, and I love him all the same. This just means we’ll need to try again, so our little Apollo will have a sister.”
“Apollo?” Bean asked.
“Yes, after my father. It's a bit unconventional, perhaps, but I think it’s a strong name, a princely name. Do you not like it?”
Bean bobbed his head slightly from side to side as he thought the name over. “Hmm. Apollo Cocoa Bean. Pollie for short.”
The new father dipped his head to his son, and he chuckled as the tiny hooves clamped on to his nose now. “I like it. However, I get the feeling he might be hungry,” Bean went on as Apollo tried to suckle on his nose, then cry when nothing was forthcoming.
“Come here, Pollie. Let’s get you taken care of,” Celestia cooed, and she gave Baked Bean a kiss. “You did good, Dad.”
“So did you, Mommy,” Bean replied with a smile that faltered when he licked his lips and quite obviously considered just exactly was on the kiss they had just shared. Thankfully, he did not bolt again, but remained by her side as his son… their son settled against Celestia’s nether regions and began to nurse.
“Mommy,” Celestia hummed. “I rather like how that sounds.”
* * ✹ * *
“Boy, I’m glad everything turned out okay for Celestia,” Spike said, but his steps slowed for a moment as Twilight Sparkle pushed open the main doors to the Castle of Friendship.
“Doctor Horsenpfeffer will still need to keep an eye on Apollo for a while, since he was born prematurely,” Twilight said. “But I’m sure he’ll be just fine, too. I’m grateful they decided to take Banana Split with them! I hate to think of what might have happened if she had stayed behind.”
“Bit of a shock that Princess Celestia’s foal ended up being a he,” said Spike. “We’ve spent the last ten months thinking and saying that he was a she. It’s going to take me some time to stop calling him a her.”
“Me too,” Twilight said with a giggle. “Along with everypony else in Equestria. Still, out of all the surprises Apollo sprung on us, the fact that he is a he isn’t so bad.”
Spike nodded, but then he tapped his chin in thought as they rounded the last corner to the cutie mark map room. “So, with all of that going on, did anypony show up to your lecture about the Cutie Mark Crusaders?”
“Actually, yes. Once everypony was assured that the Princess and her foal were back in Canterlot and under Horsenpfeffer’s direct care, I was able to continue with my presentation. But the strangest thing happened towards the end of it.”
“Really? What?” asked Spike.
“Well, for a minute, I thought I saw Starlight Glimmer in the audience,” Twilight confessed.
“Starlight?” Spike asked. “Why would she be there?”
“I don’t know. Maybe she came back for revenge, if it really even was her. It was hard to see, since the house lights were dimmed, but it almost looked like she was smirking. But when I glanced away, she disappeared. I asked a few ponies if they had seen where she went, but nopony even knew she was there.”
“Ah, I bet you were just seeing things,” Spike said with a scoff. “That sounds way more plausible than Starlight Glimmer coming back for revenge.”
“Well, when you put it that way,” Twilight said with a giggle, her magic pushing the doors to the cutie mark map room open, “it does sound rather silly.”
“Or it’s totally true!” Spike exclaimed.
It took Twilight a moment to register what Spike had said, but as soon as she did, her gaze moved into the vast throne room, and she gasped when she saw who was sitting in Fluttershy's chair.
“Welcome home, Twilight,” Starlight Glimmer said with devious glee.
