• Published 20th Jun 2019
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Pregnant Noses Know - Irrespective



Princess Celestia and Prince Bean enjoy the ups and downs of pregnancy.

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5. - Relax

The Ponyville Day Spa was, by any objective measurement, one of the greatest locations in the whole of Equestria.

Or, at least it could be argued that it was. Though it looked somewhat plain and small at first glance from the outside, it was a poorly kept secret that the greatest masseuses in the world worked within those walls. Every detail was attended to with precision and elegance, and the treatments simply could not be compared to any other. If a pony wanted the ultimate in pampering, then there was no other choice.

So it was no surprise that Princess Twilight Sparkle had chosen the Day Spa when asked by her former teacher to arrange for a “Day of Royal Pampering and Relaxation,” capital letters and all. Aloe and Lotus, the owners and proprietors of the spa, were more than happy to take the full-day reservation request, and every employee had been called in to ensure that the day for the visiting dignitaries would be perfect.

There was no doubt that it could be anything less.

At precisely five minutes to nine, Twilight stood just outside the main door, waiting eagerly for the royal delegation to arrive. She was always eager to spend time with her mentor, and the young alicorn had a checklist of things ready to talk about. Oh, and enjoy being pampered by the spa ponies.

But mostly the talking.

Of course, Celestia was only one of the ponies that Twilight wanted to spend time with. Her grin went from ear to ear as she caught sight of a golden carriage descending out of the clouds towards them, and she began to prance in place on tiphoof while the vehicle landed and stopped right in front of her.

“Cadence!” Twilight called out in joy. “You made it!”

“Twilight!” Cadence called back, and with one effortless leap, she cleared the carriage and landed right in front of her fellow princess.

“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake!” they sang together with their familiar dance. “Clap your hooves and do a little shake!”

The two giggled in delight while the younger alicorn turned to her mentor. “Princess Celestia! It’s so good to see you again.”

“Ah, Twilight!” Celestia greeted the young Princess with a friendly hug and a warm smile. “It’s good to see you, too. Thank you for taking the time to arrange everything for me. I’m afraid things have been rather chaotic at the palace as of late, and I can’t even properly blame Discord for it.”

“It’s my pleasure, Princess,” Twilight replied with a grin. “I reserved the spa for the entire day, so we can take as long as we want to. Aloe and Lotus will take care of everything we need.”

“Wonderful! I’m looking forward to a nice hot soak, personally. Is everypony else here?”

“Luna and Duchess Lima just got here a few minutes ago. I think they’re in the steam room now. I haven’t seen Wysteria yet; did she come with you?”

“No, I’m afraid she didn’t. She said she had a few things to take care of before she came, but I was under the impression that it would only take her a few minutes to tend to them. I do hope she’s okay.”

“Should I go find her?” Cadence offered.

“No, not yet. I’m sure she’ll be along shortly. Now, I have heard from several reliable sources that the seaweed wrap here is perfect for relieving acne, and I have been having a bit of an outbreak over the past two days. Shall we join the others?”

“You’ve been having an acne problem?” Twilight asked while her magic opened the door for her fellow princesses.

“Yes, but Doctor Horsenpfeffer assures me it is a normal side effect of my pregnancy,” Celestia offered with a small grin. “Between you and me, I was a bit excited when I found the first pimple. I have not had a problem with my complexion for quite some time.”

Twilight’s confusion showed on her face. “Why is that so wonderful? I hate pimples.”

“Oh, there is nothing about them that is pleasant, I admit. But I did rather enjoy Bean’s playful teasing when I told him about it. He questioned if my voice was going to change, and I pouted most furiously when he said he hoped I would finally grow into my legs.”

Twilight, Cadence and Celestia shared a giggle, but were interrupted by a loud belching noise from behind. Another snort of amusement snuck out of Twilight when they found Wysteria entering the lobby with Trixie dragging behind her with a groan and one hoof on her stomach.

“Trixie is really regretting her life choices right now. Why am I the one that has to receive all of the messages, again?”

“You heard the Doctor. I have to take it easy with my twins, or else she’ll have to put me on bedrest. Since the princess needs to keep her magic useage to a minimum for now, the task of receiving messages falls to you.”

Trixie’s reply was interrupted by another loud belch and the magical delivery of yet another letter, which was promptly snagged by the increasingly rotund secretary. “Ugh. Sparkle, pass along my condolences to your pet dragon. I don’t know how he puts up with this.”

“He’s not my pet,” Twilight replied with a growl. “He’s my number one assistant.”

“Whatever.”

“This one can wait,” Wysteria handed the scroll back to her assistant, then drew in a deep, cleansing breath. “I am so ready for a nice hooficure and a long mud bath. Do they have anypony here who does deep tissue massages?”

Twilight snickered and nodded. “I’m pretty sure that can be arranged. Right this way, everypony. Our day of relaxation awaits.”

* * * *

“Ah, Sister!” Luna called out as the tardy ponies entered the sauna. “I was beginning to worry. Come, join us! Duchess Lima and I are having a most wonderful conversation regarding complex carbohydrates.”

“Hello, Duchess!” Celestia greeted, and Lima nodded with a bit of a blush as Wysteria, Twilight and Cadence offered a quick welcome to her while they sat. “I’m glad you were able to make it today.”

“Thank you for inviting me, Princess,” Lima replied. “I don’t remember the last time I had a chance to be pampered.”

“It is our pleasure to have you,” the Princess replied with a long sigh as she slowly reclined on the bench. “Ooh, this feels wonderful. How are things going at the Zuerst?”

“Things are going well, overall. We have seen a small dip in our customer count, but Garbanzo and I still stay busy every night. Other than that, there’s not much for me to report on, unless you want me to bore you with the details of our fight with the bread supplier.”

“What are they doing?” Cadence asked, the relaxing waves of steam piling up around them.

“It’s nothing too serious,” Lima said with a scoff. “They just seem to have a problem with providing our full order. They’re always short a bag of wheat rolls, or a few loaves of pumpernickel bread, or what have you. Garbanzo is talking to a few other bakers in town, so the problem will be resolved one way or another. Really, it’s not a big deal, especially compared to what you deal with as Princess of the Crystal Empire.”

“All the same, let me know if you need some royal back-up on that,” Cadence said. “I’ve already dealt with a few unscrupulous vendors who think they can pull a fast one on the crystal ponies, since they’ve been gone for so long.”

Lima thought the offer over with a devious grin. “I may just take you up on that offer, Your Highness. I can only imagine what Rye would say if you showed up and asked for an accounting.”

“How is Pole doing?” Celestia asked with a small wince, and Lima’s ears drooped slightly.

“Oh, Dad is doing as well as can be expected. He and Sieva are looking at some active retirement communities in Salt Lick at the moment, and once they find one he likes, they’ll both move back.”

“What will happen to your father’s restaurant in Las Pegasus?” Luna asked.

“He’s already sold it to his general manager. Mom and Dad were going to sell it anyway; they were getting tired of the details and the regulations that come with running a restaurant, so we offered to have them come work at the Zuerst. Once they get settled in, Dad and Sieva will be with us, so he’ll have all of the Beans keeping an eye on him. He’ll also be able to visit Mom whenever he wants to this way.”

Luna nodded with a sad smile. “I am pleased to hear he will be with his family during this difficult time. My own fall came because I shut out those who loved me, and I do not wish for anypony to suffer as I did to any degree.”

“Forgive me, Princess, but I thought you became Nightmare Moon because of your jealousy,” Lima said.

“And this is true, but it is more complex than just that. I betrayed my sister because I thought the ponies of Equestria only loved her and her day, but my dear Star Struck and my Twilight Starbright both tried to steer me away from that. They warned me, they pleaded with me not to allow the perceived slights to destroy the love I had for Celestia. But when Star died, I became even colder and more distant.” Luna snorted, and her gaze went to the floor. “In the anguish of that loss, I shut out my daughter. She reminded me too much of him, and her words of caution became spiteful reminders of what I no longer had. Hearing her voice only fueled my rage at the injustice of losing my husband, and that made it all the easier for me to be furious at all of the other injustices I perceived. I fell because I shunned my friends and my family, but it is not a mistake I will ever make again.”

Celestia gave her sister a curious and worried look. There was a glint in Luna’s eye, one that the elder sister had seen in ponies who were ‘up to something,’ as the saying went. However, before she could ask, Luna began to speak again.

“But enough of my sinful deeds. We are here to enjoy ourselves, and the tale of my past is one best left for another time. What is next on the agenda for today, Twilight Sparkle?”

“I ordered a facial treatment and mud baths next,” Twilight said with glee. “Aloe has an amazing cream that really refreshes the skin and opens up clogged pores.”

“Excellent! Perhaps that will take care of that red baseball that has taken up residence on my sister’s left cheek.”

“What?” Celestia gasped slightly and put a hoof to said cheek. “Bean said it was just a little pimple. How’d it get so big?”

“I was not referring to the cheeks of your face, Sister.”

* * * *

“So, what is Baked doing while you’re here with us, Celestia?” Lima asked.

“He’s with Shining Armor and Spike at Twilight’s castle,” the Princess replied while Aloe finished applying a layer of soothing green mud to her face. “I think he said something about teaching him a new game.”

“Ogres and Oubliettes,” Cadence added with a laughing sigh. “Shiny told Spike about his paladin character a while ago, and Spike offered to let him try out a custom map he created with Big Macintosh. Personally, I think Shiny is out for revenge, since Bean’s fantasy buckball team is crushing everypony else in their league.”

“Oh. This is a safe game, right?” Lima said with a worried frown.

“It’s a role-playing board game, and it’s harmless,” Cadence replied. “If Bean has a good imagination, he’ll have fun, and Shiny will help him out. I play with him sometimes, but he banned me after our last game when my barbarian character decided to go fishing.”

“What’s so bad about that?” Twilight asked.

“I was out on a boat in the middle of a lake, screaming ‘HERE, FISHY FISHY!’ and lopping their heads off with my axe when they jumped out of the water,” Cadence explained with a devious grin. “Shining was sure I was using a loaded die; he’d never seen anypony roll that many natural twenties in his life.”

“And he banned you over that?”

“Yes, but he wasn’t serious about it.” Cadence grinned and blushed slightly. “I kissed him out of the decision pretty quickly.”

“Well, as long as he’ll have fun,” Lima said, and she wiggled a bit to sink further into her mud bath. “And I’m sure he will.”

A reverberating belch then came from outside the room, and a moment later, Trixie staggered in with a scroll and a groan. “Message for you, Miss Inkwell.”

“Who is it from?” she asked as Lotus gently slid a cucumber slice over her eyes.

“Doctor Horsenpfeffer, ma’am.”

“Just hold on to it for me. It’s a list of things to help my twins.”

“You’re having twins?” Lima asked.

“I’m afraid so, yes. And since that adds all sorts of fun complications to my pregnancy, I have to be extra careful now.”

Lima hummed a thoughtful note. “And here I thought having pre-eclampsia with Baked was bad.”

“That’s just one of the fun conditions we’re trying to avoid,” Wysteria said with a low, pleased groan as Aloe began to place hot stones on her back. “Trixie, why don’t you join us? You look like you could use a break.”

Trixie glanced at the mud baths with a disgusted frown. “Trixie is not a fan of mud. I’ve had to sleep in it far too many times.”

“Then maybe you’d like to go soak in the epsom salt bath?” Wysteria offered. “C’mon. You’ve been really uptight lately. You need to relax, pamper yourself a little bit.”

“Yeah, Trixie,” Twilight offered with a soft smile. “I’ll pay for whatever you’d like: massage, hooficure, mane styling, or even all of the above!”

Trixie retreated a step and gave Twilight a doubtful glare, but then a wicked smile came to her face. “You’ll pay for anything Trixie wants?”

“You betcha. Just name it.”

“Trixie has been feeling stressed out lately, now that you mention it. Maybe Trixie will indulge in a few of the services.”

“Go for it. You might like the hot stones, or maybe the scalp massage and conditioning. You should try that out.”

“Oh, Trixie will try that for sure,” Trixie muttered with devious glee. “If you’ll excuse me.”

“Should we trust her to behave by herself?” Luna asked nopony in particular.

“I’m sure Miss Lulamoon will be prudent in her selections,” Celestia said in a dreamy tone. “And if not, then I hope she enjoys the treatments. I know I am.”

“How is your pregnancy going, Celestia?” Lima asked. “Baked always tells me you’re doing fine, but I can’t help but wonder if he’s just telling me that so I don’t worry.”

“Bean is telling the truth,” Celestia said as Aloe began to gently file her horn. “Nilla is doing well, and everything looks normal at this point. Doctor Horsenpfeffer is keeping a very close eye on our progress, so I fully trust that this pregnancy will be rather mundane.”

Lima snickered a bit. “That’s what I thought about Baked, until the pre-eclampsia kicked in. Still, I hope nothing happens. Garbanzo and I are both eager to spoil that little foal rotten.”

“I certainly hope you do,” Celestia said with a giggle of delight.

“Lima, what did you do to keep your condition under control?” Wysteria asked.

“Mostly bedrest, but my doctor also suggested some meditation music to listen to, and some light yoga for low-impact exercise. Overall, I just needed to relax, take some blood pressure medication, and hoof over a lot of urine samples. Thankfully, it was only a mild case, and both Baked and I turned out just fine. I admit I was a bit scared for a while, and that’s probably why we never had any more foals after Baked. Is your doctor worried about that, Miss Wysteria?”

“She is. I don’t have it at the moment, but it is a risk.” Wysteria chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. “Princess Celestia, I hate to say this, but it might be for the best if I took that maternity leave now. I have to admit that I’m worried about what will happen if I’m not careful with these two.”

“Then you are on maternity leave as of this very instant,” Celestia proclaimed with the full authority of her position. “With full pay, of course. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Bean and I can manage, and Trixie will be able to cover most of your duties.”

“Thank you, Princess. I could probably still drop by for a few hours each day, just to check up on things.”

“I’ll give you one hour each day, no more.”

“Two hours,” Wysteria countered. “One isn’t nearly enough to take care of everything.”

“Half an hour, and you have to take a half-hour lunch break,” Celestia threatened with a devious grin.

Wysteria grunted, but with a smile. “Fine. One hour.”

“I will also place Corporal Quillpoint on leave when we return to Canterlot,” Celestia continued. “A mare in your condition will need somepony to assist her, after all.”

The idea of having all-day Quill—and more importantly, a full dose of night Quill—seemed to please Wysteria greatly, if her sudden ear-to-ear smile was any indication. “I do have a few things he could take care of for me, now that you mention it.”

A sudden flash of magic brought a thin, large envelope to life in front of Princess Celestia, and without thinking, she snagged the unexpected delivery and sliced it open.

“Naughty naughty, Sister,” Luna chided with a grin. “You’re not supposed to use your magic.”

Celestia scoffed as she extracted the contents of the envelope. “No, I’m supposed to limit how much I use. This is minimally invasive, so…”

Celestia trailed off as her eyes darted over the invitation that she held. She said nothing, but her smile grew larger and larger until it hit full power and added a squeal of delight. With another flash, the Princess disappeared, leaving the intricate summons to float in the air for a brief moment before being caught in Wysteria’s magic.

“What in Equestria is that?” Cadence asked as Wysteria took a quick look, and the secretary chuckled slightly.

“Oh, nothing much. It’s just the wedding announcement for Matilda.”

“What?” Cadence ripped the missive from Wysteria and eagerly drank in the contents. “Matilda is getting married?!

Lima glanced to Wysteria while Cadence disappeared in a burst of pink, the confusion thick in her words. “Miss Wysteria, may I ask who this Matilda pony is?”

“Donkey, actually,” Wysteria said as her magic picked up the invitation and presented it to Luna. “Matilda was Celestia’s secretary before me. She was as good as I am, but she didn’t like dealing with the constant arguments and general stubborness of the nobility. She told me when I got hired that even the most stubborn of donkeys were a pushover compared to them.”

“Ah,” Lima and Luna said together.

“She’s one of the nicest creatures you could ever meet,” Wysteria continued with a soft smile. “And very meticulous. I wasn’t sure I could be as accurate as her, at first. She usually sends a letter about once a year or so, just to keep us up to date on what’s going on.”

“And what do you know about the bridegroom?” Luna asked.

“I don’t know anything about Cranky personally, but he and Matilda really hit it off at her last Grand Galloping Gala. She left a note explaining her move to Ponyville, but I found out later that he never got it, somehow. Thankfully for both of them, Cranky eventually made his way to Ponyville and found her, so now…”

“We’ve all been wondering how long it would take for them to get married,” Twilight added, her own smile growing larger. “Especially Pinkie Pie. When is the wedding?”

“Next spring,” Luna said with a quick glance to confirm her statement. “We shall have to make arrangements to be there, of course. There may be a conflict if Wysteria goes into labor at that time, however.”

“Nah,” Wysteria scoffed. “Twins means that I get to enjoy a c-section, plus Horsenpfeffer wants me to get as close to my original due date as possible. I don’t think there will be any problems with the wedding.”

Celestia and Cadence then reappeared with a burst of magic, and they shared a giggle between them before turning to the waiting ponies.

“Forgive us for the sudden disappearance,” Celestia offered, “but we simply had to offer our congratulations personally. I was beyond pleased when Matilda sent word about her reunion with Cranky, and now it will be a great honor for me to attend her wedding.”

“Totally understandable,” Wysteria said with a grin. “When we get done here, I’ll stop by and offer my well-wishes, too.”

* * * *

Forward, back. Circle. Forward, back. Circle.

Celestia purred as Lotus continued to push all of the tension out of her neck with the gentle movement of her hooves. While Baked Bean was a respectable masseuse, it was clear he needed some training to become truly proficient in the art.

The princess had also fully converted to the medicinal value of seaweed wraps. She had been a bit hesitant and a bit squeamish when the slimy, odd-smelling strips had been brought in, but the cool, paper-like tingle was like the delectable icing on a rich and succulent cake. Between the silken touch of Lotus’ hooves and the kelp on her face, Celestia felt so relaxed that she was drifting in and out of sleep.

“I have always wanted to try this!” Luna proclaimed from some foggy edge of Celestia’s perception. “What fun!”

Celestia giggled slightly at Luna’s enthusiasm. Her sister had wanted to try out a new mane style, but knowing her, the younger princess would probably choose something thirty years out of date and still believe it to be hip and modern.

If it made Luna happy, though, then Celestia would be happy as well.

“Oh, Trixie needed this,” Trixie grunted. “Could you maybe do…”

Celestia’s ears perked up, and her smile deeped as she heard several loud cracks, then a groan of delight from the assistant secretary.

“You know, it might be worthwhile for you to find a chiropractor, Miss Lulamoon,” Bulk Biceps’ voice said in a knowing tone. “You’re really out of alignment.”

“Oh, Trixie will be back, don’t worry. Trixie has never felt better in her life.”

Celestia smiled warmly. This day had been wonderful, and she was going to have to schedule more of these Days of Pampering for sure.

“So, what should I order for dinner, everypony?” Twilight asked. “I can have something delivered to my castle once we get done here.”

“What? Have somepony else cook for you?” Lima gasped in feigned shock. “What kind of barbaric heathen are you?!”

“The kind that likes light cheese, mushrooms and bell peppers on her pizza,” Twilight replied before giggling with everypony else.

“Pizza would be fine, but I’m craving something spicy, personally.” Wysteria’s voice vibrated in time with the percussive tapping of her masseuse’s hooves. “Maybe some kung pao. Or you could just request extra crushed red peppers for me.”

“I couldn’t stand anything spicy when I was pregnant,” Lima said. “Baked would make me throw it back up. It was horrible; I had to go eleven months with the blandest food ever known to ponykind. I couldn’t even tolerate an onion.”

“My wee rascal was not quite that bad,” Luna said, her voice full of memory and warmth. “But pickled eggs seemed to be the one thing I could hold down the best. The scamp was fond of haggis⁽*⁾ too, both before and after she was born.”

Celestia felt a surge of bile rush into her throat. The memory of that horrid smell made her queasy and nauseous, even if it had been over a thousand years since she had been subjected to it.

“I don't think there's any haggis anywhere nearby,” Twilight said, her tone matching how Celestia felt. “I could have Spike check at the local cafes, if you like.”

“Nay, do not worry about that, young Twilight,” Luna said. “It is your ancestor who enjoyed it, not me. However, a large quesadilla does sound rather tempting.”

“A… what?” Twilight said in a nervous whisper.

Celestia’s nose twitched as an overwhelming urge suddenly struck. “A restroom.”

“No,” Luna countered. “I said a quesadilla. I especially enjoy the four cheese variety.”

“I gotta pee!” Celestia shot off her lounge, scampered on the floor for a moment before her hooves gained traction, and then bolted into the little filly’s room while ripping the seaweed wrap from her face. “I didn’t have to pee ten seconds ago! Where did this come from?!”

The assembled group said nothing as they listened to Celestia’s frantic scampering and her smashing of the restroom door, but after a moment, Luna and Lima smirked knowingly at each other.

“She’s just getting started, isn’t she?” Lima asked.

“My sister has no idea what’s in store for her,” Luna replied with a delighted grin. “This is going to be hilarious to watch.”

* * * *

Author's Note:

⁽*⁾Before anyone says anything, the haggis in Equestria is NOT the same as the haggis that we're familiar with.

That'd be just... ew. And far too disturbing for this little tale of mine.

So what is it? Well, it's not a lot better. I promise, if you look under the black, you'll be grossed out. Basically, it's a carefully selected mixture of vegetables and spices that is eaten by the sheep chef and then regurgitated two hours later into a thin pastry shell and baked at a low temperature. It's considered a fine delicacy in Beanland, something like caviar or escargot. Celestia tried it once, and she now maintains that it was one time too many. :trollestia: