MoonLily
Joined 22nd Oct, 2012 ·
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Sorry about the deleted comment.
I enjoyed this start of a new fic. Though it is hard to understand, it is quite confusing and long paragraphs don't help.
But overall it is a great start and I hope for more (as long as it is easier to read)
9669027
Thanks, and it's alright. I was up working late last night. I was going to get up and rework this chapter
9669253
OK, as I said before, great start. But it is still hard to understand.
This line for example could be improved, if I understand it twilight invited Selene to stay. Twilight could say instead of "well I am happy", she could say great or something like that.
I'm sorry if I overstep in giving advice but I wanted to help.
OK, it's good. I'll give you that. Nice introduction of the rest of the main six.
Ok, incorrect use of thy, it is only used when speaking; you, your, etc.
A lot of your sentences tend to be run-on for much of the story so far.
"I don't know. I can..."
Ooh, nice concept. Makes a lot of sense.
Hmm, the shipping is coming in fast...what are you using, a racer?
Anyways, great chapter, I do hope those few pointers help. I mean I'm not that much better at writing, but still I try my best.
Oh my, things are getting interesting.
As I said before, confusing. But, really great story!
Hrm...the plot thickens...erm...you know what I mean...
Why not use seaponies?
9748425
In this Equestira their are two rulers of the sea one rules over seaponies that live close to the shores and ruled my queen nova and then you have the merponies scared of the surface ponies and ruled by trion each owning a different power of the sea. Queen nova can change her forms at will yes Selene has that but her powers are still settling and will settle into the one where she can detect things and can read the currents
I hope you don't change your mind and abandon this story. Its very good and far too many good stories get abandoned.
9769258
No still working on the next chapter.
Nice chapter but I'm a bit confused did you remove and change this chapter because I thought she's was almost sold on the black markit
I did I wanted to bring that later when she was further from canterlot
Each chapter there is one thing that keeps irritating my brain. Most if not all "half"s should be replaced with "have"s.
9838930
I'm working g on that. I get confused on which one to use
Nice update
9849647
Thanks
So wait, if Selene is pregnant, and Selene also did Twilight (if I remember correctly), does that mean Twilight is also pregnant?
9877370
Twilight never taught her the spell. Everything she been using hasn't been real likeBlue blood is dead meat just miff off a entire Kingdom your princesses and discord as well as the most powerful unicorn in your Kingdom
No I need to see blueblood death please
Oh and great chapter thx for it
YAY
Great story.
10059412
Thanks
Why did you ask that discord
HALT!
Ze Grammar Nazi Group has spotted a mistake!
=======•=======G=======•=======
Error Suggestion
(1)Paragraph bit too long, you should find a nice place and split it there. A wall of text is always hard to read.
(2)Perhaps you should revisit and overdo this part. Better describe the merpony.
=======•=======G=======•=======
HAIL GRAMMAR!
10096919
Thanks for the recommendations ^_^
=======•=======G=======•=======
Always capitalise after a quote and always end one with either dot or comma.
There are whole lot of errors like this. You can find them by using Control-Find and ' ” '
I am not entirely sure what you wanted to say here but:
Thy = Your
Thou = You
=======•=======G=======•=======
I hope she is okay
Here we go
When you are reading something on the internet while only mildly listening to a mlp fanfic via text2speech that should have been about a merepony and was totally sfw for all it's 10 chapters so far and then wonder if you copied the wrong fic to the text2speech. I was just literally saying "Wait, whaaat?!"
One problem caught right off that bat, you can't have dialogue like this. You need a period, dash(in specific circumstances), or comma, or anything that ends the sentence. I do believe it was in the fimfiction writing guide.
Ah, yes here it is.
10096919
Phew, if small errors like that catches a grammar nazi, then I'm happy they haven't found my story
Edit:Just wanted to toss in a little bit but "You are," could also be said as "You're," it's just that I personally usually shorten it to "You're" whenever possible
How is the story going
11000792
good just finishing up the editing for the last half of the story
Your doing a great job
11001152
thank you
Is this story based off of the Disney movie?
Is there more to come, because the story is still marked incomplete?
11089983
11089497
No, this story is complete. I forgot to change the story. Been trying to catch things up. And no not really about the movie. I saw a lot of adaptations of sea ponies and if there are sea ponies then their half to be other types than the ones we saw in the movie.
You made a great story
11232642
Thanks, I am currently working on the other one. I had lost everything so I am starting with what I have now
I think the shipping is moving along a bit too fast, imho.
This is romance, not amazon same day delivery.
11385018
yeah looking back at it now I would change this up so much. Between this and my origin story I had ton of help with writing stories and where my characters needed to go. This was way before that when an Idea was an idea and was not executed correctly
11385018
However, I love the amazon comment,
11386220
heheh
Really nice story and I get the Amazon shipping comment, but think it is also a little down to the writing, while I really like the story, the amount of spelling/ grammatical errors, makes it a Little confusing at times, so have to read some of the sentence multiple times 😅
For have read story's where the shipping and delivery happened so fast that you didn't even know you had ordered it 😅
Since I have finished the other story and been thinking about it....this might just get a rewrite.