sexy and fun story, good stuff! as constructive critique, try to be careful with ur verb tenses, there are times when u switch between present and past tenses

Some critique since you asked.

There's definitely a lot or room for improvement. I'd focus on these things especially:
Tense
Use contractions
Research 'filtering words' and 'show vs tell'
Avoid sentence fragments, such as:

; slamming the door behind her.

A semi colon requires two complete clauses on either side

All in all my biggest issue was simply that your word choices and sentence constructs spent too much time explaining rather than showing.

I'd also recommend you spend a bit more time editing to catch all the little grammar and spelling errors. They add up.

GL to you.