• Member Since 30th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 25th, 2017

teemo38


T

lyra and bon bon are two ordanary ponys, or so you think. them being part of a secret orginisation is just begining of there story. with lyras matural freind zero they find themself on the brink of a secondary alein invation. these aleins are cunning and deadly for last time they tryed to reclaim equestria they inflicted atleast 890,000 casualties. but this is only one of their problems that they will encounter.

outnumbered but never outguned.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 27 )

Oh god the stupid is just oozing out of this story. Oh well, here goes.

*edit*

I'm sorry, I couldn't get past the second chapter. First off, use quotation marks whenever someone's talking. An example would be: "And she said what now?!" Exclaimed Bon-Bon.

Not only that, but the plot makes less sense than two mules somehow having a baby. Overall, I'm vaguely reminded of Half-life, full life consequences. And by reminded, I mean that both that and this are so bad it's laughable. This may be your first story, but that's no excuse for committing these basic grammatical errors. Overall, the story premise is good. A secret Agency working behind closed doors to keep evil at bay is an intriguing premise, one unfortunately butchered by the execution. My advice to you is to go read a book. Yes, an actual book that is published. There you will learn about subtly and grammar. Because you need it.

1006824

Lets see what Satan decided to shit out today.

Edit:

Alright, rampant spelling mistakes aside your grammar is just shit-tasticly bad. Ignorable is right about quotation marks, because half of the time I couldn't figure out if the characters were thinking, talking, thinking, or just fucking shitting in place.

The premise is alright, when I saw this (before going into why your grammar can be so shit terrible), I thought of like a MIB/Hellsing sort of thing, which can be pretty cool if done well. Of course YOU on the other hand just fucking shat on this premise and then proceeded to smear the screen with it, so kudos to you.

So all in all my advice can be the same as Ignorable. Go out and learn some tricks of the trade, then maybe read some books and actually get a proofreader or editor.

So if a LOT of effort is put into this (and by a lot I mean you're going to need to work in a damn coal mine for fifty-years to get the equivalent),
this fic MAY, BY THE HOLY EMPEROR'S WILL, not suck complete and total ass.

Dear Author,
It is with great pleasure that I ask your permission to perform an audiobook version of this... "book" and publish the completed file onto YouTube.
Awaiting your reply,
Dan

I couldn't even UNDERSTAND the first paragraph. Seriously, mate... get a word processor or something. :raritydespair:

1006914

Is this the popular thing to do now? :rainbowkiss:

1006925
Indeedly heedly, neighborino!

Oh god, where the hell is my eye bleach? :twilightangry2:

The finest piece of literary work I've ever read on here.

THEID FOUND AN OLD REASERCH BASE

I took that sentence right in the grammar. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png
C'mon, kids, let's find out what's wrong!
1) Caps.
2) They'd, not theid
3) Misplaced A in research
4) Maybe make it into: "They had stumbled upon an old research center." and sound slightly intelligent.

1006824
Do you know where I could find this 'Half-Life: Full Life Consequences?'

1007023

[youtube=OHxyZaZlaOs]

1007038 I like Half-Life: Hero Begging better, but all the same, this story is on par.

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UKpRkUIIm+Jeq6SK7HN/SvLohv8ANeo6aa7GsH/Fc+bRSGzzgj69L+op84+Gf7Lpb9ck9yuyjwOWoGZPI++cPVMIUmR/EO900i10IiN4fVJdopJjDediDxDKJ8gk3ZmSf+RTuxTajyT50mRfw+R+py5/syq0A44uN3sVHjfZe4+SmxBccn6SoIxWPMd9mHZUEMzq03fZbgL4W7AKvldwt2u0VmNLJbeKLt68lAYy/kOfoqx0I9glLinc3gJDuQUCcxmh0U/VgfWlbxvB2VRog4sM10cjwC03S5prs7cb+IXMPgPZ5kBB5HZ7OnlaY54Y4wAQ5zyDaMx3scHMkNE8l2UZbdo8tsY6WbpIrTLUpLshZoGvwvL8XUi48uJkjhf9EHqmn9oIsfvM7LfLCCG0ZS7+hRwys+I8P+MyCvIbLj9V1L7E/BlR/mPNPykHDC/0hxcWXGb8Ta2WPZUepZ82VURI7uJx4aC0Gs5xjwGyPbwySDha0HcBZVg4nAHmStgrdkPIkk+KI2tBdv5rQY2G2bGAkAv8JVXFiOfmtxwQHONC+VrTxY8mO0RTEF7djSeTOdIAx8GSCZrjWx3PmrEjZSSD7PsudCElmohYF6dgCuxzD/xXmkYsr0zEBHYxn6QoZdFYHnxbeU8+q7MPAU5gDsh1pTjwmlqMZj5x8d3uVwJ0337vdcXStEGc+RSSukkxh6B2QFYuSfb9kNDthTX5lE9kv4LJ/wC9ELH/AAMvzXN9mWX+SHDHwZEzHFtk/SpcP7h6ZBXdy/pTioB+hwSZIkkja48twje1WmRQaRHkQRsiawDZraUQj4ZGeLiWrnxY8/Thjy8i0JZTaKxgn0eXYuH9KimcWE8DeO66Kpkjrc7WvQ29n8vBEnBU0Uo4OGuQtZ93Z7OyHTSTxmKKJxFuHMeirHImTljZF2cH1ST9SszsuYWM3HjLGjqu5DhGCTvsll2zohGogmQSSQDRVbkzP3a60VNKSbIPsoXgO+0Fq2JIB43dCUXi5EjHAhxvy811rGXQCMwcMZEvABV9QnbVE1FlTn5b8vI8RJDdgFzCYXzsaBe6vJ+zZxnE97bn+Y5Kx0XQosXGmyZH8b+Hwitgs5JLoVpt9nMLAhkz45Hs8QIReYAcqUjzTtOH1liWWPrMnupt2bXQPKNmpoBUko2C5RrdADGDxBelYv8Asttfl/uvN2DdelQjh7GMvq0fuo5dIeB5/GPrD/JLIHwynRD6xIV2cDuzshAzGz/fu91wjyT5x9Yd7ppG+y61oixtFJO/kkgDe9lRw6dkn/vJCMFYEnzRvZsVpeR8/wBkDGbwH/Nc/wBmUWkMwv4d65APgy/pTsIEwPAFkqTGgfwua8cIcK4j0TtoFFvQPjsHE21qIgQxlflCWjaLoksrGZ2qSB5/KzhbfuV6BjdmNLGM1ndF7SNnl9krOHLQ98NmDOS2BhMhBvk3mVV508ma2n+CMcm+futb2g7JDBvJxGySxdW3ZasrNG4up2wHQKM4uDo6cVTVoppI7NNG3UoaXGc4WRsFdjEDt/JNOLXIFCmUcDNPxm2S4IKXHD3czS0mVhnhc4CjSrjiuG9J1MnLGV0eE0OBVnpkQZOyk92OWMFjnupMJpZO0puViOFIO1UXLGPJqlxxWnS+yZqoqWPz4U+C/wDDpPZb6Of2C6cPrLfRcy/4mT3UumNvJauZjayZPdBnoGkH2VyqCke3YWm8I9VooyMeIL0lorsbH6tC86Y0cYXojzXY+MeTQo5tIpAwUY+O9dyPuyuxAmV9pZI+GdkIxmNnH1l3ulsuyi8h/OrXHC11Ikcq/wD9SS4f+2ktMN/oAI0rI9j+yHxcYug4HcinYEjosTumXT+fqj8ZoFLmk6OzDj5Lsiiwe7b8NtKQwPHRWkLWlu9J72NI5BRc2zsjBLRTiKxThXyXo3YbUDk6b9GkdckBoX+XosVJCL5bq97BPc3VZ4+hhv8AqnwyamiXkxTxs3jmhzSHCweYXn3ajQHYeQZscHuJST+kr0JQ5WNHlQuimaHNI69F2zgpo4MWRwdnjr43RmufsmOJpafXezmThudJCzvIbJBB3Cz7oSOi8+UJRdM9aMozVpkDYhKwgjchCuxw3HJ57hv9Uc5hYQQuOjtwP4AbpZY1WVs8PHIa5NFKBrCx7SBuCrbgBBFDfqh3Y5uwEyZOUUE6ppsmTiRZ2CHSw8NSNbuY3eRCDYK054A3paTshlnC1HuZKMOR4XNrr0Wk7Rdk4M7GkOnsZDMATXIOXRBckcOWPCR5lpY+stTMwXkv90RjxOw80snaWOYSCD5qDJp073DlaGTapELxsEytlNKNgo6JCBGcZ9peiP8A9oRfpC89jHiC9CkIHZOIHlwhSzeimMwsQ+NJ7pZW0bvZSRjxyEea5kML2UEI1ox7YXvkdTSReylGHI7kwrQx4hvZor2RUelTy7tjJ8uirzJ8TLfQZUlsBoOSRfA3+aSP6BwIsdh2A5clYxDohIKHRGR7EE8lCbs9KCSQZE6lNxDzQvG1P7wAc1IoiV525q87BRl2oZcxGwjDb9b/APpZaXIH2edrfdh8XuNFbM6uKdxd8uQ/ZWwxudkPJlWOv00eyVphO9LoO67zzBOaHCiLB6FUeq9mcXMJfBUMlfhbsfkr5JZKKlsaM5Qdo86z+zGfj2WtErR1bzVY/ByI9n48gP6SvVy0JvCFF+OvR1R8uXtHk30WYf8Awv8AkwqSLSsyY/DxJTfXhK9WDW+S7Q5BYvHX6D8x+kYjQOy+VHlMyMstjY3cN5klbStwnVSW3VVhBRXRz5MjyO2YTt7ozO+iy4GBveWH0OvmVhXYpDiCV7Tq+IM3T5oaFlpLTXIryuXGPi3otJsKeT4sviqca/CmmjLaBHzTWwyOPhY4/JHPY7dhHsSrvSJGzYjS5rQ9pLTQSWLOCRnYdMyZKplX1K08oyJ9NiwwQGsFE9EVddaSLwObgkkrMXRVY+iNY4l7wb6IyLTMZhstDvkuz6hjwMLnzNAHqqd3a/Da8jgcaPNFBZetxcdvKFg+SlAA2AACy03bKC6hgkchn9qcyX7nEI9SUAbOj0SWGOt6wTYFDyspICwlh2BCmZLtzpDQfdA2nqR3hAlvqo5sgtaSChpHlrqsoWd7jt0QlYXQdgCTOzYoI93yvDRS9mw4hi4sEDOUbA3+i84/8aaW6fOk1J58MILGD/kev8l6U0U2l14Y0rOHyJ8nRJY50njmFD0TmuVzlJ0lGBYsJ1Is07ul/Jc3SRYHbSXPdK6CLAdzTUrJXCiwO9F5z2ww24GeXM+7mBcPfqF6Lusz27whk6I+cbOx/GPbqp5I8olsM+Mjzl8m2+9IUarkYL3txo+Pj3onkUhJbDYQ7D8Wuey5oovkfVD5dV1XI2HCz2CtD2ezptLbmy57/EL4WqtH2gty/wD2vD7LMnROPZ5+zSmOee9le+uiIZpeMw7Mv3RbfvHUnHkhCsgbjxNOzRfspOEVQFJ4HoukbJqCyPh80k/hCSDLP//Z DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!:raritydespair:

1006891 Also, there's one that you missed! It's called: My Little Pony: Death Is Tragic. I can't tell if it's a troll fic, or REALLY bad. Either way, you should check it out.

1007190

I did.

But there is no way in a MILLION YEARS I'm going to be able to top PeaceColt's review.

He wins. :rainbowwild:

God im playing too much Morrowind.:facehoof:

1007214 :rainbowlaugh: Yeah, I was wondering what you were going to do about that review. It's also nice to know when you're outmatched.

"Alright, time to review this piece of garbage!"
*Sees first review*
"Alright, I'm out!"

1007038
I'm sorry but...what the buck was that sorcery?

westseattlefunblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/kermit-shower-01.jpg
A live cam picture taken of me whilst reading this abomination

Lol the one guy who thumbed up this was definitely the author himself.

The author must be a homeless guy, and this was obviously written on a typewriter which explains why he didn't have any sort of spellcheck. He made all sorts of mistakes on the typewriter and was too lazy to start the page over again.

Good Idea, bad writer.

Before reading* oh come on it can't be that bad surely
After reading* fuck it is!:facehoof:

I'm so sorry to anyone who read this. I was like 13 when i wrote it.

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