When Rainbow dash accidentally messed up a new trick, she won't be able to fly for a while. She ends up going to Fluttershy to stay until her wings heal up.
Note; Don't expect too much from this, it's my first story. Constructive criticism is welcome.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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As a first story, this isn't too bad. It could definitely use some editing for grammar mistakes, and it feels a bit rushed, but the premise of the story is good. The comedy was alright (I got a smile out of the idea of Rainbow getting some sort of hospital frequent flyer card). A deeper exploration of the ideas presented could make this a really good slice of life story.
Thank you. I was trying to find someone to proofread but wasn't successful so I did as much editing as I could on my own. Would you anyone that is willing to proofread?
I'll give you a like for that. Definitely not bad for your first try and I'd like to see where you go from here. Flutterdash is a good place to start, they go together well. If you need help editing then I have a tip, you can actually use the site to help. At least when I read on my phone it has an option to do a text to speech reading for me. Open one to have it read it to you and another to edit, you'll be staggered by how much you catch when you can hear it. Other then that I think your dialog just needs a little more subtlety and character. You have good ideas and decent execution, just needs some polish. I have some ideas if you're interested
Natedogg2006, I'm not quite sure I understand about the text to speech, first I heard of it. I would welcome any additional ideas though. Thank you for the like.
9133038
Easy. Just open your story and click on the text. Like I said, it works for me on my phone. An icon will come up to read it. The voice is robotic and struggles with some slang, but works great. You can't edit while it reads, so open the story on two different tabs, set one to read and edit on the other, just be prepared to realize how many mistakes you don't notice and have to switch back to stop the reading to make changes. I do like ten before every chapter I put out, probably why it takes me so long to write anything. I'll post my ideas in the morning, just know I put it out as constructive criticism, and your story is still good on its own.
BTW, you should actually use the reply button so I know you're responding to me, I like actually having dialog with people.
9133265
Alright, I will try the text to speech function. Thank you for reading and feedback is always welcome.
Sorry, I know I said I'd post in the morning.
There two moments I think you could inject more character into your story are right at the beginning. Rainbow dash should be more frustrated by being grounded, so maybe portray her being more grumbly and annoyed by having to walk to shys place. Second, it seemed out of place that if getting hurt and grounded is a common thing for her that this would be the first time staying with shy. Maybe have shy react dramatically to the injury and immediately want to check her out. That could be there thing that makes dash stop being grumbly. Have a play between the two, maybe with dash being a little bashful about getting hurt again, maybe make the frequent customer joke for the hospital a recurring joke.
I picture the dialog like:
"Oh my goodness what happened"
Bashfully back of head, "that's kind of what I'm here"
Exaggerated sigh, "well I guess you'll be needing a place to stay again"
Nervous smile, "if it's not too much trouble"
Genuine smile, "you're always welcome here dashy"
9134639
Oh and just thought of this, that could play into sharing a bed. Dash once again being bashful about taking shys bed again saying she should take it or just share. Shy gets embarrassed and says no. Dash remembers they use to share a bed all the time as fillies.
Once again, you have all the pieces, you just needed a like extra depth and polish. Hope this helps. Good luck on future endeavors. Message me for help if you need. I know I wanted it when I first started
9134677
Alright, I will take all this into account and implement it as soon as possible
Pretty good for your first story. Some areas needed a little more padding to help with pacing, but not bad overall.