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They've been friends since they were fillies and Fluttershy has never felt this way before. She has to face it though and tell Rainbow Dash how she feels before she loses it. However will this shy pony figure out how to break down her walls or will she be trapped like this forever.
This is just a quick story made to improve my writing skill and get feedback, a oneshot if you will, so please give some criticism but don't be rude lol.
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OK, so creative criticism. First off, I already appreciate it when peeps are open to creative criticism. So I'll endeavor to help you out.
Second let's get into the actual critique. It's not bad for a first attempt, but it does need work.
There's a whole section in the middle where you you use "would" to describe what the characters are doing. I feel like you are trying to either break up the writing or establish some kind of narrative style or tone. It just comes off like you forgot what tense you're writing in. Better to use the characters emotions to break up the scene.
The character motivation isn't carried across well. It seems you're trying to tell a story where Fluttershy ends up being the "brave" one in the situation. If that is the case it needs to be established more. More emphasis that she is trying to overcome her long held fears. As it's written it feels like she just woke up today and decided to do this. And to drive this fact home, I don't think she should be the one who runs. I liked the subtle hints that Rainbow Dash is just as, if not more nervous than Fluttershy. I think that should be the focus. Something leads to Rainbow being the one who runs, or attempts to run. Fluttershy confronts and that leads to the confession.
I can elaborate more on these points if you'd like. Just a few things to consider if you feel like working on it more. Good luck on future stories.
Alright, after a few quick minutes of reading, I do have some criticism for this story. Keep in mind that while I do write stories, I'm not the best at it.
HOWEVER, I do regularly read many many stories on here, so here's some things that I noticed.
1. There are a few grammar errors. Not that many so that it's overpowering and extremely noticeable, but just enough that if I was looking for it, I'd see it.
2. The pacing is a bit off. The story seems to progress wayyyyy too quick. At least for my tastes. Maybe you could make the first scene a bit longer? Emphasize the points you are trying to make about how Fluttershy is feeling in the situation. There's not enough emphasis for me to actually really feel the tone of the story. To get what she is feeling, ya know?
3. I don't know if it's just me, but the characterization seems a bit off. Don't get me wrong, you can definitely change personalities and all that when writing a story, but they seem very robotic. For example, if I were to ask someone out I would say:
"Hey! I've had a crush on you for quite a while now. Do you want to go out?"
And I would get:
"Oh my gosh! I've had a crush on you too! I would definitely like to go out with you later today."
See what I mean? It doesn't even seem like actual people (or in this case, ponies)
4. There's a lot of times where some things could be worded better. For example:
"She walked down the road to Ponyville but, she couldn't help but admire the scenery, it was a beautiful distraction. In fact it distracted her from most things. She stopped for a moment to just take it all in. She didn't know how Rainbow would react to this gesture so she had to take in all the peace she could."
Yeah, this could be written differently. It sounds, like I said before, quite robotic. It sounds like you're reading off of a script for a movie. Try and add more detail. For example, I would write it as something like:
"As she walked down the road to Ponyville, she couldn't help but admire the scenery. Flowers were blooming, birds were singing - it helped distract her from the thoughts that ran through her head. What if Rainbow said no? What if she didn't want to be her friend anymore? She shook her head and focused on the image before her once more, trying not to think about what might happen."
While this has a huge different tone, I didn't know exactly how you wanted this paragraph to feel, so I wrote it in a way that I thought you were going for. In an attempt to explain what I did different, I think I emphasized the fear Fluttershy was feeling and how important it is to her, instead of it being short and simple with not much meaning.
This isn't the only instance of this happening, so you could improve on that.
5. There are a few times where you write something that, in my opinion, is completely useless (not in a rude way or anything). It doesn't move along the story and is immediately dismissed. For example, you wrote:
"There was really no way to find Dash which discouraged her but she continued her search."
And then you wrote, around three seconds of reading later, that Rainbow had arrived. It was literally in the next paragraph. The story would've had the same feel without that sentence in there. It felt off and unneeded for me.
6. What's with the 'would's? It's changing the perspective of the story each time you write it. Like, you would write:
She would say something like, "Oh, hi, how are you today?"
"Oh, I'm doing good." she answered.
Whenever you use 'would', it sounds like someone reflecting on the past. Like a first person story, but they're thinking about what their lost relative would do. Like:
"I miss her. The times that she would fly around in the air. Too fast for the eye to see. Then she would land near me, give me a nice smile, and crack a joke (Yeah, I don't know what I'm writing either, but this is kinda how you would use 'would').
7. You don't need to use small fonts so much... It's kinda pointless, in my opinion. You could just write down 'she said softly' or any other term to say that she spoke in a soft tone. And you did, but you still used the font, which I guess gives a more visual feeling to it or something, but in my personal tastes, I don't like it.
8. Sorry, kinda going back to my second point, but the pacing is really weird. Like, right after confessing their feelings, they went in for that kiss in ten seconds flat
. (I'm not sorry)
Other than those few, but extremely important errors, the story was pretty okay. I wouldn't read it again, but it wasn't unbearable or anything. Good work! Keep writing, you'll improve over time!
Sorry if I sounded rude or anything, I don't mean it or anything like that, it's just how I sound. Really, the story isn't that bad or anything. Keep on trying!