After fighting the god of chaos ,the changeling queens and a banished moon princess, one would think that the mane six would be capable of winning any fight, but what happens when they’re opponent is a mere earth pony with an inventive nature and an axe to grind? Will the elements even work on a normal pony? What would happen if they did? And can they truly prepare for a foe they know almost nothing about?
(my first attempt at a fanfic, please be kind)
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welp, my first fanfic finally in view of the public.....as such a constructive critism is welcome, in fact any kind of comment is welcome really
This isn't too bad for a first attempt. I like that you did something original, rather than just going with one of the standard My First Fanfic Starter Kits. I think this concept has some potential in it, although if you really want to go with the mad scientist villain, I'd recommend making it at least partially a comedy story, since that trope is something of a dead
horsepony.With that said, your grammar needs some serious work. Your story is full of run on sentences, and you use ellipses (...) way too much. Try getting yourself a proof reader and working with them to improve your grammar, and your story will be much more readable.
well its good to know i'm being original, i'm not sure what the standard of first fanfics is, but im glad i brought somthing new.
not quite sure if i'll be going into full comedy, I like to think theirs a nice bit of cheesyness from the villian, like the unicorns having tesla coil-ish horns and the dr.'s giant iron claw seemingly coming out of a backpack that seems too small for it to fit in.
and yes, grammer is a huge problem of mine
, a proofreader would help with this vastly (in fact id be very greatful if someone would be so kind as to offer to proofread the next chapter)....and with that said i shall immediatly get to work editing this into a recognizable fic, thank you
999912
Feedback Protip: Use the reply feature.
Writer Protip: Join the proofreader group.
999912
PROOFREADING'S MY SPECIALTY, FRIEND!
PM me. c:
1006592 sounds good, i'll pm you the next chapter once i finish it, thanks in advance
1006789
Np.
Or, I can teach you grammar through a series of free stuff. c:
1007106 that actually sounds like an all alround better plan, since A. i can correct my current chapter B.it will save the time of editing everything C. it seems like the mistakes im making are abit too common (run on sentences ect) that someone could tell me how to fix them easily.
so yeah, all for this idea thanks DRR
1010516
Np.
I'm a good person. :D
horrible grammer? awkward dialogue? a boring chapter filled with exposition and a bad joke?
it can only mean one thing.......I'M BACK!
had considered just letting this die on its own, but what the hell.....I almost never see anything through so I might as well put a few nails into the coffin myself.
(comments would be appreciated, as well as pointing out any of the many grammer mistakes.)
(ps: Don't worry folks, I haven't gone emo on you, alittle self deprication is good for a guy)
I'll allow myself to comment. But I don't know what your goal is when writing that story.
In my opinion, you didn't do any "mistake". I would probably have made other choices (like not making every one of the main 6 speak and trying to give the vilain a flaw), but alltogether, your story is coherent. I actually liked two things:
- Diamond Tiara wasn't just put there for no reason (I hope for her to come with the six ponies in the adventure, which would give the opportunity to explore how painful and how human... hum pony-y she can be. But painful nonetheless, just as Trixie is.).
- The fact that the story began in a party wasn't, for the moment, just a random idea, as it is used again for the first plan and will probably, it seems, be a red line the text and the logic behind the text will follow.
In that regard, it is already a better story than some I've read in my life (read in french, but even so...).
1798881 thanks (sorry it took me a while to reply, XCOM is addicting) glad to see someone taking an interest in my fic.
as far as "mistakes" I mostly mean grammer and gratingly awkward dialogue (like you mentioned with having the mane six practicaly preform conversational roll call). as far as giving the villian a flaw, thats reserved for later chapters (the next one actually, i might have it up soon, but im hoooorrribly slow).
on the subject of daimond tiara, its actually somewhat interesting, she wasn't a driving part in the pre-planning of the fic, but as I brought filthy rich into the story, and then had him kidnapped, she sorta ended up worming her way in there, after that i felt like i needed to explore her reaction to such an event, and lo and behold she became a main character.
1820290
Well, you had it coming as soon as the name of Diamond Tiara was pronounced. After all, she is one of the most hated and yet unexplored character.
I spoke about giving the vilain a flaw because it feels like you identify with him and want him to be, well, as good of a vilain as possible (I had the feeling you wanted him to be "perfect" as a representation of youreself). But I didn't say it because I know I can very easily be wrong about that. It just felt that way.