My little mad scientist: revenge is magic

by mr. tallyman18

Chapter 1

Tea Cake looked over all the stallions and mares in the room distastefully, something akin to a light sneer moving across her lips.

As a professional party planner she had often considered the guests to be just as important (if not more important) a set piece as the food, entertainment or decoration, after all the other guests were who you would enjoy the food, atmosphere, and entertainment with. And if she had her way half the riff raff in this room would have been tossed out post haste.
Ah but there was no convincing young miss Sweet Heart, her charity ball was for anyone kind enough to open their heart (and their purses) for the poor, and as far as she was concerned they could be changelings in disguise and still be welcome to her ball for all the money they helped raise.
Walking around Sweet Heart’s ample mansion, the haughty unicorn frowned; every inch of scenery was covered in greasy earth pony business moguls. She knew how it worked, an earth pony manages to shove its talent on the world and after earning a few bits they start to think they can be a part of the Canterlot elite.

“Upstarts all of them” she said as she used her magic to bring herself some punch. Sipping her beverage gingerly, she was half surprised she hadn’t spat out half the punch when she heard a startling and chipper voice from out of nowhere.

“Tea Cake my dear, I have somepony id like to introduce you to” as sweetheart spoke she pointed a cream colored hoof at a brown coated stallion in a business suit with slicked back hair, at his side was a pink filly with a white and slightly purple mane.

“This is filthy rich” she gestured at the stallion, who nodded kindly, “and his daughter diamond tiara” she pointed to a young filly who was looking at her expectantly.
Tea Cake resisted the urge to sigh audibly clearing her throat and offering a tentative hoof she spoke

“good evening I am-“

“Miss Tea Cake, I’ve heard so much about you ma’m you organize all the up and coming events in high society Canterlot” Tea Cake looked down to see the source of the voice was filthy rich’s young filly and forced a smile.
Like I need some clingy upstart brat to tell me about myself

“Why yes my dear, that’s correct, my but you seem to be very well educated in Canterlot affairs.”
Diamond tiara beamed whole heartedly as the older mare lied to her through her teeth.
Thankfully, the little hick went off to the refreshment table for something to eat, leaving her and miss heart to talk to her father.

“I have to say filthy.”

“Um….I prefer rich, sweetheart.”

The businesspony corrected quickly.

“Well Mr. Rich...”

She continued undaunted by the offense he had taken to his first name.
“….I have to say I’m impressed by your donations, I didn’t think id manage to make enough for all the supplies the less fortunate would need, but with your donation we may just make it.”
Filthy smiled humbly at the comment, adjusting tie and hair for good measure.
“Well miss heart, while I certainly can’t claim to be a saint I will say that I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for those who grow up poor. Reminds me of when I was helping my pappy start up our business when ponyville was young and so was I, they were hard times, some people didn’t come out of it as strong as we did” the stallion looked down at the ground sadly remembering many of his friends and neighbors losing their businesses, jobs, and homes back when he was a kid.

Sweetheart gave filthy a reassuring pat on the back, while Tea Cake rolled her eyes , honestly he should have been happy he managed to get this high up at all, not getting all sore over a few less lucky earth ponies.
“well that’s why we’re having this charity Mr. Rich, to give those ponies an opportunity to rise above their poverty”
Sweetheart spoke triumphantly, a wide smile forming along her muzzle, Tea Cake gave another roll of her eyes, though she was really far beyond any interest in the present company giving themselves a pat on the back for all their great charity work.

She was much more interested in a specific sound that seemed to be permeating the room, something that sounded like the grinding of gears, the smashing of pistons, and the roar of coal engines, it felt as if it was getting closer too, soon the rest of the ballroom was invested in the noise as well, wondering if another guest was arriving by train....that is,until they noticed the sounds were coming from below the ballroom.
With an earth shattering “crash” the source of the sound soon made itself known, as a large behemoth of a vehicle rose up from the ground, its front spewing a sickly looking mist that seemed to have melted through the marble floors.
A pure and definite silence entered the room, as everypony began to cower in fear of the cold iron monstrosity, until…..with a hiss a door on the side of the dark iron horror opened up, and out of it stepped four rough, metallic approximations of unicorns, their bodies were thin and skeletal, their hides made from the same dark metal as the machine that transported them, pistons and smoke belching billows were dotted along their forms, their horns were circled by three rings, with a ball point at the end, and each of them seemed to be sparkling with barely restrained electricity.
One of the faux unicorns stepped forward, her tiny yellow pupils scanning the room’s inhabitance.
“Bow before the creator, Dr. Iron hand!!”
And with that another figure stepped out of the vehicle, an earth pony, a plan, boring old, earth pony, dressed somewhat oddly wearing a full red jumpsuit complete with black gloves (on all four hooves), over that he wore what looked to be a brown coat complete with tails and a backpack of some sort although few could tell from their position, cowering behind the tables and chairs. All in all he looked as though he could have passed for one of the many gentlecolts that had attended the charity ball, except for one….little detail, over his face the stallion wore a mask of cold, rusty metal completely featureless, completely without emotion, completely unreadable.
He began to look over the crowd coldly, his face betraying no emotion whatsoever, until he turned his glance to Tea Cake, he stopped for a moment. his gaze was locked on her and for a moment, she stopped as well wondering what it had meant…fearing…what it might have meant.
And then he smiled, over his mask a glowing yellow light appeared in the shape of a wicked jack-o-lantern grin, and almost instantaneously after, he began trotting over to her as she had begun to attempt to take refuge behind filthy rich in fear.
A very frightening, very hysterical laugh began to come from the pony his grin coming closer and closer to the terrified unicorn mare.
“Now Cake my dear, is that any way to treat an old friend? Oh wait I guess for you it’s a bit of an improvement, isn’t it?”
“S-stay back….I’m warning you.”
With something akin to a snarl of defiance she shot out a beam of magic towards the sinister earth pony, almost instantly a large, sharp, metal device, built like a clawed, skeletal hand….a bizzar and horrific sight on such a small pony to say the least,had shot forth from the dr.’s backpack and blocked its wearer from the beam.Slowly it moved towards Tea Cake, a dreadful clicking noise accompanied its movements as it pushed back the beam and swooped in to grab her in its wicked talons.
Suddenly as the mare screamed and struggled to escape the arm pulled back into the backpack, with her still in its grip, before its hand formed into a small cage upon its masters back, and with a few glee-filled skips he trotted over to a small compartment on his vehicle and deposited the caged mare. All the while his fax unicorns smiled at their creators apparent joy.

Straightening up, one of the metal unicorns approached their master respectfully and spoke, her harsh metallic voice lowered slightly for speaking to the master.

“What shall we do with the others sir?”

She said gesturing to Sweetheart and filthy rich, both of whom seemed to be in-between charging at the at the villain for imprisoning their friend or cowering in fear he’d do the same to them.
The stallion put a hoof to his non-existent face for a moment, genuinely pondering how best to handle the situation.

“Take them as well, we can’t afford any witnesses.”

He said casually, his creations complied immediately their bolts of yellow energy either electrifying people until they were weak enough to bind or simply trapping them in an impenetrable bubble of energy, some struggled…..some even fought back. Howver each and every attack simply pinged harmlessly off the dark iron hides of the mighty ponies, and soon everypony at the charity ball had been loaded up, either in cages, cuffs, or orbs of energy.

All except for little diamond tiara, now hiding under the snack table, her small size allowing her to go unnoticed for the entire struggle. slowly, tentatively she dared to sneak a peek at ground level were the table cloth that had concealed her had not touched the ground.
She wished she hadn’t, she watched in horror as the faceless stallion looked over the room, his jack-o-lantern grin present once more. Tiara fought back the urge to shriek as he finally looked in her direction. If he even so much as peripherally glanced down she was as good as done for.
He seemed to stare straight at her, though with his mask it was hard to tell.
she could have sworn his grin had gotten larger for a split second. she had prepared herself for the worst, to be put in chains and tossed into the back of the dark iron machine to be whisked away to celestia knows where, but it never came.

With the crashing of pistons, the grinding of gears, and the roar of coal engines the villain and his followers had left diamond tiara, all alone. she didn’t want to be alone, she wanted her daddy back.

Comments

[mr. tallyman18]

welp, my first fanfic finally in view of the public.....as such a constructive critism is welcome, in fact any kind of comment is welcome really

[PonyholicsAnonymous]

This isn't too bad for a first attempt. I like that you did something original, rather than just going with one of the standard My First Fanfic Starter Kits. I think this concept has some potential in it, although if you really want to go with the mad scientist villain, I'd recommend making it at least partially a comedy story, since that trope is something of a dead horse pony.

With that said, your grammar needs some serious work. Your story is full of run on sentences, and you use ellipses (...) way too much. Try getting yourself a proof reader and working with them to improve your grammar, and your story will be much more readable.

[mr. tallyman18]

well its good to know i'm being original, i'm not sure what the standard of first fanfics is, but im glad i brought somthing new.

not quite sure if i'll be going into full comedy, I like to think theirs a nice bit of cheesyness from the villian, like the unicorns having tesla coil-ish horns and the dr.'s giant iron claw seemingly coming out of a backpack that seems too small for it to fit in.

and yes, grammer is a huge problem of mine , a proofreader would help with this vastly (in fact id be very greatful if someone would be so kind as to offer to proofread the next chapter)....and with that said i shall immediatly get to work editing this into a recognizable fic, thank you

[xDan]

999912
Feedback Protip: Use the reply feature.
Writer Protip: Join the proofreader group.

[DeathRiseRobo]

999912
PROOFREADING'S MY SPECIALTY, FRIEND!
PM me. c:

[mr. tallyman18]

1006592 sounds good, i'll pm you the next chapter once i finish it, thanks in advance

[DeathRiseRobo]

1006789
Np.
Or, I can teach you grammar through a series of free stuff. c:

[mr. tallyman18]

1007106 that actually sounds like an all alround better plan, since A. i can correct my current chapter B.it will save the time of editing everything C. it seems like the mistakes im making are abit too common (run on sentences ect) that someone could tell me how to fix them easily.

so yeah, all for this idea thanks DRR

[DeathRiseRobo]

1010516
Np.
I'm a good person. :D