- Member Since 10th Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 1st, 2023
Moonblaze
Honesty is more than telling truths. Laughter, more than sound. Kindness, more than being comforting. Loyalty, more than devotion. Generosity, more than giving gifts. Magic, more than mysticism.
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Found this from the Plounge after dark. Now I'm reading it instead of writing my stories. Thanks! Actually pretty good. You could use some cover art to get some readers.
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Cover art is already on the way, though it was only just commissioned so it'll likely be a few weeks. The next chapter will be out before that, so I'm just doing without for a little.
I'm glad you're enjoying it. This story has been percolating for a long time, it's great to hear someone else is enjoying it asuch as I have been.
Hmmmmm, a good start for what will surely be a great story! Finally got a chance to read it while breaking from chapter 14 of my own fic.
Right now I'm very curious as to these "spirits" that Longwatch seems to be able to communicate with and get assistance from. It makes me wonder how he manages that and how powerful they really are with him. It does concern me about how much they help, though. It's a shame we can't get to know Magnum a bit more, though I hope we learn about her past deeds from Longwatch in the future.
Spelling and grammar were pretty good. If you aren't already, try proofreading a few days after finishing a new chapter. That's what I do: I finish, say, chapter 13 and then sit on it for at least a couple days before doing any proof reading or editing. I tend to find more mistakes that way. Also, try re-reading sentences (either in your head or aloud) and that can help pick out awkward sentences, reused words, and sentence flow errors. There were a few here, but not enough to detract from the story. There were a couple of past and present tense issues as well.
When I saw the name "Silver" I was briefly confused, but remembered that it wasn't who I was thinking of.
Anywho, greatly looking forward to the next two chapters! Well done!
Ah, I see, it was a dream sequence. That makes more sense now and I'm usually a fan of the dream sequence opening - I find it is a hard one for people to get right.
Watcher's first quest! very excited and wondering where this will go, how it will tie into his big adventure into the wasteland and beyond.
Interesting that Mocha is his "banker" and I'm wondering what the story is behind that. I also wonder how the Discordant will tie into the story and what he would think about some of the events in Project Horizons. Hmmm~ possibilities! And we have a new spirit, Generosity and Compassion; interesting as well, so it would seem the spirits aren't limited to helping him in combat, I just hope this won't trivialize the future encounters he has.
Spelling and gramma was better in this one, though I would have liked some more description of the settlement that Longwatch is residing in (but that's mostly because I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff, and I always have to "trim fat" in my editing process because my descriptions are often times too long). Dialogue flowed rather nicely as well, which is greatly appreciated when more than a few other stories have very poor dialogue (and that seems to be seeping in to games and movies in recent years).
Another great chapter! Assuming things stay slow at work, I will probably get to the third chapter today.
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Oooh, it's comments like these that make me wish people commented more. Also that I had a full-time editor instead of just some friends I throw it to in order to at least have a second set of eyes look it over.
First, sorry about the SIlver thing. Longshot's had a squadmate named Silver Comet for years. I was tempted to change it after reading about your Silver to avoid confusion but her name was too ingrained. I couldn't pick anything that felt right other than at this point. On the subject of names, did you call him Longwatch by accident or did you think that's his name?
How did I manage to make his very name unclear? His name is Longshot, and he is a Watcher, which is to say a member of the Night Watch. Many just refer to him as Watcher, knowing him only through his job.
The Prelude isn't a dream sequence, though it certainly feeds Longshot's dreams.
And finally, Generosity and Compassion aren't spirits. Or, they could potentially be spirits but they aren't allies of Longshot like Wind or Diamond. He's just referring to the Elements of Harmony. I already have a scene in Chapter 3 that addresses this more directly. Guess I need to work on getting that out.
I'm glad to see you're enjoying this. I hope you enjoy Chapter 2! And all the future ones when they come out.
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Just like in our world, I imagine there would be ponies with similar names, even identical ones, just as there are lots of Johns, Janes, Matts, and Sarahs, so I would never ask such a thing. The confusion was my own (as I'm pretty tired at the moment). The same goes for calling Longshot Longwatch... I had XCOM 2 on the mind and the sharpshooter class has a perk called "Long Watch" (Allows a Sharpshooter to take an overwatch shot with his/her sniper rifle if the sniper did not move).
Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't possibly ask you to change that Silver's name. Never.
And I know that pain. I'd like it if people gave more detailed and thoughtful comments, too. As I have always said, I would rather get one lengthy comment with pros and cons than a thousand short comments that say "STORY IS GUD!". While I'm always happy to hear that someone likes what I wrote and would never be ungrateful for that, I would love it so much more to know what they liked about it, what they didn't like, what questions they might have, theories on what happens next, and errors or confusing things might have been glossed over when I edited the chapter, etc.
And yes, I do greatly look forward to the future chapters!
Today marks the day of the first down vote on this story. I just wanted to mark this moment with the timestamp that comes automatically with this comment so I would forever remember this moment.
Thank you, random person, who likely will never see this since you don't like the story and have no reason to come back to look at this. It means so much that you cared enough to show you didn't like my story. Though it is strange you didn't care enough not to comment why you didn't like it, I will always remember you as the first person brave enough to tell me you didn't like it. Good work.
Sorry it took me so long to get around to this...
Anywho, let's get started!
I liked what you did with the fight concerning Bittercup and Longshot, where he lapsed into the old habit of having a squadmate and that caused him to slip up. As for the combat itself? It was alright. A little clunky, but was definitely able to tell what was going on, especially where it counted the most.
Also I never thought about it before, but does Hydra work like that in Fallout Equestria?
I don't remember it ever being used in a story (Disclaimer, though... I haven't actually read that many FO:E stories... sooooo... 
) Not so much a critique as I just don't remember it ever being used.
Good chapter! Looking forward to more!