Cornflake the Pegasus had a good life. the trouble was that, he already had 10 years and he didn't know how to fly. He decides to leave for flight school with his best friend from Ponyville school, Chrystal, on the way to the flight camp, they will find Chrystal's secret brother, Blaze, who has some kind of Crazy love for weapons, but Cornflake had a job, take care of one of his best friends sister, Orange Cream, there they will find other friends and they will face some problems, but they maybe not accomplish one job, pass the flying exam.
Chapters (6)
Omigosh...there's an OC in my story named Blaze, and he's a demolitionist! That is so weird!
I don't know whether to press like or dislike.
Neither, I guess.
I guess this was ok so far...I'm on the 1st chapter here.
TWE's Scribblestick here to discover the source of the downvote swarm!
So I'm going to go out on a limb and guess English isn't your first language. Why? See the list below:
-English uses " " to indicate spoken dialogue, not -, which I believe is used in French
-Fiu = Phew
-Hu = Huh
-"You have nine years" = "You are nine years old."
-Jajaja = Hahaha
-Yey = Yay
Here is my first suggestion. After every spoken word, indicate who said it. When you have more than two speakers, it's really hard to keep track of who's saying what.
Here is my second suggestion. Find a better balance of dialogue and narration. Right now, you keep them as far apart as possible. Mixing them together makes the story much more interesting and shows us things about the characters.
Finally, the word "woman" does not exist in Equestria. They have mares.
Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator
Good job on the 2nd chapter.
This another okay chapter but longer than the others. It kind of depends on the limit of chapters actually. Plus,you started a lot of sentances with lowercase letters. For example,you typed this: -oh no, now I have to find him. Just saying but I love the story so far.
Loved the plot on chapter 4. But I got a bit confused when you started saying that Orange Cream was holding a picture of her family because it was already saying something about the grid and Blaze flying off. Anyways,love the story so far. Let's go chapter 5!
The same (about) 30 lines were repeated,I don't know if either you did that or my computer's mess up. Anyway's,why did Midnight die?
You did the most beeping amazing job on writing/typing this wonderful yet violent story!
1552555 you're the first person that liked it! thank you so much
1551136 yeah, weird
1552206 thanks dude..... and the first sentence (you know that I don't really catch the english so far)
it says you liked it or hated it?
1552622 Neither. I said I was going to point out why so many people haven't liked it.
1552671 yeah..... everyone destroyed my hope to make another one
And now you're a comment deleter.
Brony, you just made a big mistake. We at the TWE don't care for comment deleters.
Fortunately, I saved my review. Have it again.
The Flight Camp, by little-corneflakeda
Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything. I've got a few simple ideas on how you can improve your fic.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
This is unnecessary. Your fic is rated Teen, which already implies that it'll be a touch more mature than canon (which is G or occasionally a very light PG).
There are absolutely no attributions here, making it hard to tell who's saying what.
Also, "fiuuu?" What on earth does that mean? Is Cornflake's mother starting to say "fuck" and cutting herself off?
Random Star Wars reference because . . .? That might work in a Random Comedy, but here it's just bizarre and jarring.
Also, write out your numbers: "three" instead of "3."
I'm sorry, I don't want to sound mean, but this is just incoherent. I think Cornflake just punched somepony in the face for absolutely no reason. Other issues here:
"*FACE PUNCH*" is not good. Not in any way at all.
"SH*T" - what are we, seven? If you're going to use profanity, use some goddamn profanity. Or, better, uses canon profanity: "horse apples," "what the hay," "oh my Celestia," etc. Yes, it means you can't use some words and phrases, but that's part of the challenge.
This needs major work. I can't get past the first chapter here.
Things You Did Right:
You didn't make your OC an alicorn, give him a black-and-red coloration, or give him a name like Shadow Fire Of Angsty Gloom.
You've mastered the one-speaker-per-paragraph rule.
Keep writing! It's the only way to improve!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant
no probelm it's the greatest
1554811 neeee, there are many many better ones but thanks!!! You cheered me up.