The Flight Camp

by little-cornflakeda

THE END!

The train was on its way back to ponyville, everyone was doing just fine like when they were going to the flight camp, face-punched ponies, tied up captains, lotsa pushing and stuff like that, they should arrive in like 15 minutes......and if you are wondering why I used the "should"expression its because I'm actually here at the ponyville waiting.That's right! I'm here having a talk with Scales and Chrystal's parents! they still don't want to believe me, I'm telling them that Blaze still alive.
*brrrooooom*
Guys guys! look (I mean read) here they come!
*end of my talking, lets get back to Cornflake's point of view*
-Yay! we're here! I can't wait to see my brother again!

-Well, I'm a little scared, I don't know how my parents will react when they see Blaze.

-I don't know why would they react in a bad way, the sure will be so happy! like when Scales see me!
The captain of the train reached the friends seat jumping in one hoof, you know, because of the rope tying up his body.

-dhks nhgo. Mjkld gffdhf

-what do you want?
Blaze asked pointing a gun on the captain's head and softly removing the rope from its mouth.

-*gasp* ok ok, easy I was telling you that.......

-go on.

-I was telling you guys that we reached the station, you can leave.
Blaze pushed the captain away and hid his gun.Everyone left the train with a huge grin on their faces.

-ORANGE CREAM!!!
Scales ran to her sister and hugged her like she had never hugged anypony In years.
-so you can fly now?!?! Show me, Show me *slap* SHOW ME!!!
Cornflake also left the train, and saw Chrystal and Blaze talking with their parents, suddenly, Scales was hugging Cornflake too.
-Thanks for taking such a good care of my little sis.

-Well, she could take care of herself, it's nothing, really.
Cornflake walked to where Orange Cream was.
-Oh, huuuu. Orange Cream?

-Yeah?

-Thanks for everything, it was a nice ride!

-Ride?

-It's just a expression.
The hugged each other and Orange Cream gave a kiss on Cornflake's cheek, of course, he blushed.

-See you later!

-See yah!
Cornflake ran to Chrystal and whispered on her ear.
-See you later, I have to go home now.

-Ok, see you on school.
Cornflake grabbed his saddle bag and went home walking and thinking of all the awesome moments he had with his friends, and trying not to think of Midnight. Finally he reached he's house, he entered it almost shouting.

-Airswirl I'm BACK!!!!!!!
.....No response..........he now realized the mess that he's house was.
-What happened here? Swirl?
still nothing, he walked up stairs, avoiding some broken glass on the floor. He reached his brother's room, and found Airswirl (his brother, just in case you don't know even that i explained at the begining) lying on his bed.

-OH! hi bro! you didn't told me that you were coming so early!
Just then, from the other side of the bed a withe pony appeared from under the quilts. But it was not a normal pony, it was a alicorn, wearing a golden necklace that had a very rare dark diamond on it.

-HI!!! Airswirl this is your brother you were talking about? THAT'S COOL!

-DEAR SWEET CELESTIA!!!!!!
Cornflake jumped out the window. Airswirl and the alicorn stared to each other with weird expressions on their faces. Cornflake decided to stay on Chrystal's house that night. The next day he tried going to his house again, after knocking the door several times Airswirl opened it, he looked very weird, he had shiners and wrinkles on his face.

-HEY DUDE! why did you left yesterday?

-First tell me who was that royal one.

-Oh you mean Dragon Shade? she's an awesome girl that always wanted to come over to live here in ponyville, she's very weird tho.
Cornflake and his brother talked while Dragon Shade was acting like a chicken behind them.

-POK POK POK POK POCOOO!

-Yeeeeah.........But she looks nice!

-Yes she IS, now how about you tell me about your journey?
The three ponies entered the house and started talking about a bunch of awesome stuff.

SO! that's the brave tale of Cornflake, and Orange Cream, And Chrystal, And Blaze, And Midnight, And Mr. hourse, And sniffs, and Black Cornflake.

THAT'S ALL!

Comments

[MIKEANTHONY321]

Omigosh...there's an OC in my story named Blaze, and he's a demolitionist! That is so weird!

[Scribblestick]

TWE's Scribblestick here to discover the source of the downvote swarm!

So I'm going to go out on a limb and guess English isn't your first language. Why? See the list below:
-English uses " " to indicate spoken dialogue, not -, which I believe is used in French
-Fiu = Phew
-Hu = Huh
-"You have nine years" = "You are nine years old."
-Jajaja = Hahaha
-Yey = Yay

Here is my first suggestion. After every spoken word, indicate who said it. When you have more than two speakers, it's really hard to keep track of who's saying what.

"Well, gee, Twilight, is it really that hard to keep straight?" Spike asked.
"Yes, Spike," Twilight replied. "Especially if you have more than two speakers or are switching between two scenes.
"Fine," Spike grumbled. "I'll do it over again."

Here is my second suggestion. Find a better balance of dialogue and narration. Right now, you keep them as far apart as possible. Mixing them together makes the story much more interesting and shows us things about the characters.

"Aw, what now?" Spike moaned, his head dropping to the desk with a thud.
"Well, reading a lot of straight dialogue gets boring after a while," Twilight said, gently caressing the dragon's spikes.
"Writing is a lot harder than I though," Spike mumbled, his voice half-mufffled by the desk.
"Don't worry, Spike," Twilight said with a chuckle. "It gets easier with practice."

Finally, the word "woman" does not exist in Equestria. They have mares.

Hope this helps!

~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator

[Elfling42]

You did the most beeping amazing job on writing/typing this wonderful yet violent story!

[little-cornflakeda]

1552555 you're the first person that liked it! thank you so much

[little-cornflakeda]

1551136 yeah, weird

[little-cornflakeda]

1552206 thanks dude..... and the first sentence (you know that I don't really catch the english so far)
it says you liked it or hated it?

[Scribblestick]

1552622 Neither. I said I was going to point out why so many people haven't liked it.

[little-cornflakeda]

1552671 yeah..... everyone destroyed my hope to make another one

[Deep Pond]

And now you're a comment deleter.

Brony, you just made a big mistake. We at the TWE don't care for comment deleters.

Fortunately, I saved my review. Have it again.

The Flight Camp, by little-corneflakeda

Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything. I've got a few simple ideas on how you can improve your fic.

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

WARNING!

May contain mild language and blood

This is unnecessary. Your fic is rated Teen, which already implies that it'll be a touch more mature than canon (which is G or occasionally a very light PG).

Putting sounds in asterisks works in IMs, PMs and comments; not so much in a serious work of fiction. Try italics instead. Better yet, try actually writing out what's happening.

Speech should be enclosed in quotation marks, always. Some authors deliberately leave them out to look arty, but it really makes it harder to read. Note that this is a quotation mark: " while this is an apostrophe: '. Also, quotation marks go at both ends of the line, not just at the beginning.

Double-space your paragraphs. Walls of text confuse Rainbow Dash.

Always capitalize proper names, the first word of every sentence, and the word "I" when referring to the speaker.

I rarely say this, but . . . you need more dialogue tags and attributions. Take this, for example:

-Nothing mom!! just Cornflake's body breaking a window!
-fiuuu! I thought it was one of my glass bowls.
-Well, are you ready to leave?
-uummm... actually..... I have to say good bye to my family in ponyville, I know the are going to miss me. and I haven't eaten.
-Go say good bye then, but hurry, we don't wanna miss the train.

There are absolutely no attributions here, making it hard to tell who's saying what.

Also, "fiuuu?" What on earth does that mean? Is Cornflake's mother starting to say "fuck" and cutting herself off?

Multiple punctuation marks are bad. Don't use them. In particular, using three exclamation points does not make a sentence more exciting; it makes it look like you don't know how to use exclamation points.

When Cornflake entered the house, he saw his parents in the kitchen. It was a big surprise because his parents lived in a galaxy far, far away, so it was very expensive for them to travel to ponyville. they use to come like 3 times a year.

Random Star Wars reference because . . .? That might work in a Random Comedy, but here it's just bizarre and jarring.
Also, write out your numbers: "three" instead of "3."

As she got in, Cornflake ran to a machine were he inserted one bit and it gave him a mini bag of corn flakes, just then, he could enter the train.
Once he entered, the door closed,and he stayed staring at it, thinking of his family, when he turned back, suddenly, a little light-grey with purple eyes and black-haired colt was staring at him.
-Hi! i'm
*FACE PUNCH*
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
- O my god! s....sorry...I.....I didn't want to do that........
- Oh SH*T!!!! I'm bleeding!!
-Sorry!!
Cornflake ran to his seat with Chrystal, who looked at him with a very angry expression on her face.
-What happened? why didn't you come sooner?
-I punched someone

I'm sorry, I don't want to sound mean, but this is just incoherent. I think Cornflake just punched somepony in the face for absolutely no reason. Other issues here:

"*FACE PUNCH*" is not good. Not in any way at all.

"SH*T" - what are we, seven? If you're going to use profanity, use some goddamn profanity. Or, better, uses canon profanity: "horse apples," "what the hay," "oh my Celestia," etc. Yes, it means you can't use some words and phrases, but that's part of the challenge.

This needs major work. I can't get past the first chapter here.

Things You Did Right:
You didn't make your OC an alicorn, give him a black-and-red coloration, or give him a name like Shadow Fire Of Angsty Gloom.
You've mastered the one-speaker-per-paragraph rule.

Keep writing! It's the only way to improve!

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant

[Elfling42]

no probelm it's the greatest

[little-cornflakeda]

1554811 neeee, there are many many better ones but thanks!!! You cheered me up.