Petunia Paleo discovers that the legendary Scepter of Nature is buried beneath Sweet Apple Acres. She wants to dig it up, but it's more complicated than she expected.
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Seria
Joined 6th Dec, 2017 ·
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That was cute
I see that you are a completely new author here. And the first fic you could think of is for Petunia Paleo, an underappreciated background pony! This is quite impressive and unexpected, considering how little attention Petunia gets from the fandom. And I'm glad you did, because Petunia Paleo really needs a lot more stories.
I have some feedback about this story for you:
First off, if this is your first attempt at writing a story, then this is very good already! And even if you have written something before, but this is your first attempt at writing a MLP: FiM fic, then this is still very good for the first time, cause you nailed the personalities of Petunia, Applejack and Twilight incredibly well! You're definitely off to a great start here!
A few points of criticism I want to address, though:
Applebloom, as the only one in this fic, is a bit out-of-character. You managed to convey her excitement and her interest in adventures, but at the beginning when Petunia tells her about a treasure on Sweet Apple Acres, Applebloom is convinced a little bit too quickly. Applebloom is a bit more sceptical than that, so she should have expressed doubt over it that there's a treasure buried on Sweet Apple Acres at first and Petunia should have had it harder to convince Applebloom. Going over Applebloom's dialogues would make this fic a great deal better.
Blackhoof's sudden arrival catches you off-guard, which is good, as that is what a plottwist is supposed to do. It does come a bit too out of nowhere, though. This plottwist would have benefitted from a tiny amount of build-up, just enough to not give away that he will return, like, Petunia and Applebloom finding signs that somepony else was digging on Sweet Apple Acres.
Finally, what especially caught my attention, is that you have a tendency to repeat words and phrases. I picked out this example to illustrate what I mean:
Here, you have used the word "shovel" five times, in only four sentences. The problem with using the same word so often is that it starts to feel repetitive, which is mind-numbing to readers if they have to read that word so often. Try reading through this paragraph and to put yourself into the shoes of a reader, then you will see what I mean.
You also use "Petunia" twice to start two consecutive sentences, which isn't as bad as with the word "shovel, but it still feels unnecessary, since you already established in the sentence before that Petunia is doing something there. As a rule of thumb to avoid things like that, start every sentence with a different word than the sentence before. This could be hard at first, but it will help you to not write repeats like this and others and to bring more variety into your writing.
Another important thing is to find creative ways to prescribe something, like the shovel here. Here's a way how you could have written this paragraph instead:
Now, the word "shovel" has been reduced to only two mentions; as I replaced the word with "it" and "blade" in the second sentence and by leaving out the shovel entirely in the last sentence. I also brought two sentences between my two uses of Petunia's name and put her name at a different position in the sentence than the beginning of it when I used it the second time.
That way, the paragraph reads a lot smoother and more varied, as opposed to repetitious.
Aside from this critique, you also did some things very good here, in a way I wouldn't have expected from an author who releases his first fic here. As I already said, Petunia's characterization here is spot-on and, while I can't quite explain why, her hesitation to go digging in the orchards without permission somehow suits her very well. It shows that you have spent time with her to get her personality right for this fic.
It was also very interesting how you let Applebloom wait so long at Sweet Apple Acres for Petunia to arrive, only to discover that Petunia had been fallen asleep because she didn't manage to stay up that long. This was a small, but unexpected, twist that I didn't see coming and it's such developments that motivate your readers to read on.
You already have two things that a good author needs; the ability to analyze a character in order to get their personality right and a sense for the unexpected to lead your readers into directions they didn't know they 're walking on. Especially the latter is very important to keep readers engaged with your story.
There is very great potential in you and I hope you will continue to write pony fics. Here's an upvote and a follow and I'm excited what other fics you will bring to the table here!
A really cute story, we need more stories with Petunia
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Thanks!
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I appreciate the detailed feedback. I wasn't expecting it at all.
I'm mostly new to writing fiction. I've only written a few short stories before.
I suppose you have a point about Applebloom. She does accept it easily, although I didn't think that was clearly out of character for her. She's a hard character for me to write well, even though I really like her.
Blackhoof's appearance is sudden, but I wanted it to be surprising. If I foreshadowed it too much, it would've been too predictable that he'd appear. It probably could've used more build up, though.
I know my writing is repetitive sometimes. I try to vary it if I notice myself repeating the same words or sentence structure too much, but I completely missed that shovel paragraph.
I wasn't sure how to write Petunia since she has so little screen time, so I'm glad you thought she was in character.
Thanks for all the praise. I'll probably write more fics later.
8595787
You're welcome!
8595787
I was reckoning with this, since your fic has only gotten very little views so far. I have another advice here that I forgot to mention in the other comment.
When I read the description, I noticed how it is written in a way that kind of requires from the reader to have a previous knowledge of what the Scepter of Nature is exactly. This is something that could make readers turn away from the fic already, as it gives them the feeling there's something they didn't get told about.
The description is also very short and doesn't give the reader much ideas what the fic is about. One-sentence descriptions read rather boring and basic and are generally not very suited to encourage readers to check out a story.
A good description gives a bit more details about the story, tells the reader things that are intriguing and bring up questions in them, but without giving away too much, so they start reading the fic to find answers on their questions.
If you need help with writing a good description for your next fic(s), feel free to send me a message!
I am going to extend the same offer here, if you need help with writing Applebloom right, send me a message. She is one of the ponies I understand the best and the most, so I can be of assistance with characterizing her right.
I generally advice against intentional foreshadowing, as it can end up spoiling later events if not done right and because it always limits the impact a plottwist has on the reader.
But it can be helpful for a story to give little, ambigious hints that can mean various things and make the reader speculate, as this increases the suspence of a story greatly.
Another strategy is to intentionally write misleading things, that still make sense for the actual plottwist in hindsight, to lure the readers on a wrong track. It is something I did quite successfully in one of my fics once, if you want to read it to see how that can be pulled off, I can provide you with the link.
Coming up with enough vocabulary and creative phrases to make the sentences of a story truly varied can be challenging, but it is something that will get better the more you write. Aside from the advice I gave you to try starting each sentence with a different word, reading fics by other authors can also help a lot with that. The latter is also generally advised to become an expert author, you can only get better if you read stuff.
Overall, it is something that gets better with practice, so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work right away or if it takes a while to learn it!
Characters with little screentime are actually easier to write, because due to the fact we only see them for a very short time, we also see less aspects of their personality. This means there is less to pay attention to and less to analyze and a lot of things that can be added to their personality in a fic.
Still, getting a character right the first time isn't granted and you even expanded on her personality in a very fitting way. You did a great job there!
You're welcome and I look forward to what you're doing! If anything, we could especially need more fics about Petunia, as well as other new background ponies. Don't be hesitant with directing questions to me. I'm still learning myself, but there are a few things I can lend a hoof with.
8595972
Thanks again. It's very kind of you to help me so much. I'll message you if I need help with my fics.
8596242
You're welcome, keep doing your best!
8597568
Thanks! I appreciate the feedback.
Pacing is something I could improve on. It's hard for me to tell what the best amount of detail is to include. I think people are more likely to enjoy a story that's too fast paced than one that's too slow, so I tend to include less detail.