Petunia and the Scepter of Nature
On a warm summer afternoon, a cyan filly was wandering in the midst of numerous apple trees. Her fluffy blue mane and little saddlebags bobbed as she turned her head back and forth. The farm was much larger than she expected. Finding the right spot was taking a long time.
Her expression brightened as she arrived near the edge of the plantation. There were five trees forming a circle, with an opening inbetween them. Just what she'd been looking for! She bounced towards the center, then took out a shovel from the saddlebags she always wore. The soft ground gave away as she eagerly began digging.
"Whoa there! What are you up to, little filly?" Said a mare with a southern accent. The filly jumped a little out of surprise, then looked up from the small hole. An orange pony stood above the hole, looking down at her.
"Oh, uh, you see, I was looking for treasure!" The filly said in her bubbly voice.
"Treasure? Ain't no treasure in these parts, except apples. Who are ya, anyway? Never seen you in these parts."
"I'm Petunia Paleo, a famous archeologist!" The filly said, raising her front hooves. "Well, not famous yet, but I will be once I find the Scepter of Nature!" She hopped a few times. "I'm gonna donate it to the royal museum and become a national hero! My parents will be so proud of me! I'll be in the front page of all newspapers and the princess is gonna give me a medal and I'm gonna be a royal archeologist and..."
"Okay, okay, I get the point! Look, it's real nice that you're having fun, but ya can't play archeologist on our farm. We just planted new apple trees here, you can't dig here or you'll hurt their growth!" The pony said firmly.
Petunia looked down and frowned. "But I'm not playing... I'm really looking for the lost scepter! I know it's here!"
"Look, mah family's been here for generations. If something like that was here, we woulda found it already. Sorry to break it to ya, but that's gotta be just an old mare's tale." The mare said kindly. "Ah'm Applejack, by the way. Now come on, lemme take ya back Ponyville." The mare reached her hoof down the hole.
Below the ornate entrance gate to Sweet Apple Acres, Petunia waved goodbye to Applejack. Petunia continued on the road leading to Ponyville with her head hung low. Applejack looked at her for a moment with a small frown, then headed back to the farm.
A moment later, an energetic yellow filly approached Petunia from the other direction on the road. "Hey Petunia, how's your summer vacation going?"
Petunia raised her head to look at Applebloom, one of her new friends. Petunia smiled a little. "Oh, hey Applebloom. I was looking for this treasure buried in Sweet Apple Acres."
"A treasure? On our farm? That's so cool!" Applebloom's voice cracked. "What treasure? Where'd ya hear about it?"
"Lemme show you." Petunia took out a book from her saddlebags, titled "The Lost Treasures of Equestria", laid it on the side of the road and sat down next to it along with Applebloom. She turned the pages until she reached a bookmark.
On the open page was a large picture of a burly black stallion with a gold mane and an eyepatch. The page's caption was "Blackhoof's Greatest Heist."
"Look, it says here that Blackhoof stole the Scepter of Nature from the royal museum twenty years ago. He was caught and imprisoned a while later, but the scepter was never found. I'm gonna find it!" Petunia said.
"But if it was never found, how come you think it's here in Ponyville?"
"Well, yesterday, when I was on one of my treasure hunts..."
The rain poured down heavily on a dark meadow on the outskirts of Ponyville. A soaking wet Petunia was running towards the woodland. She shivered as raindrops fell down from her mane. She tried to take cover under the lush trees, but the raindrops still fell down from the branches, onto her wet fur.
As Petunia continued to search for cover, she spotted a small, dark house in the middle of the woods. Some of the wooden boards on the outside wall were hanging loose.
Petunia hesitated a little, then stepped up to the front door and knocked on it. A while passed, yet there was no response.
She looked around, but there was nowhere else to take shelter in sight. On the other side of the house, there was a large hole. It must have been a window at some point, but there was no glass left in it.
Putting her hoof to the wall, Petunia tried to climb up to the hole. She slipped a few times from the wet wall. After a few attempts, she finally climbed up, rolling past the hole onto the other side.
"Oof!" Petunia cried out as she fell on her stomach onto the cold, wooden floor. It was pitch black inside.
Petunia felt a shiver up her spine. What if there were monsters inside? Maybe a Timberwolf, a Manticore or something else lived here. Petunia shook her thoughts away and gathered her courage as she got up from the floor.
"Hello? Is anyone in here?" Petunia called out with a shaky voice. She stepped forward a few steps, then she heard a creaking noise. Petunia jumped up and screamed.
"P-please don't hurt me!" Petunia cowered below the window, breathing heavily. The only sound was the heavy rain dripping on the ceiling. A few raindrops fell down on Petunia from the hole.
After a few moments, Petunia's breath slowed down to normal levels. She reached into her saddlebags, shuffling her hooves around until she found a flashlight. After a moment's hesitation, she turned it on and put it in her mouth.
The house was mostly empty. Only a few scattered pieces of furniture remained, which were all on the verge of breaking. Some spiders had taken up residence in a corner.
Petunia breathed a sigh of relief. She walked around the small house, looking for anything of interest. A few ruined books were on the floor below a bookshelf. Other than that, the house was pretty much empty, with nothing valuable inside.
As Petunia walked back towards the window, she heard the creaking noise again. The noise came from below her. She looked down, towards her small cyan hooves. The floorboard under her hoof was bending a little.
Petunia grabbed the floorboard with her hooves, pulling on it hard. After a few pulls, it came off and flew out from the hole. Petunia shone the flashlight down the floorboards.
"...And that's when I found this!" Petunia took a faded notebook from her saddlebags, dropping it on the grass next to Applebloom. On the cover, there was a title written in shaky letters: "Blackhoof's Journal 8".
Applebloom gasped. "Is that really..."
"Yup! I read it while I was waiting for the storm to clear. It looks like the real thing. Apparently that house was his last hideout before he got caught. He also described where he hid the scepter he stole, and it matches a spot in Sweet Apple Acres!"
"That's amazing! Let's go find it!" Applebloom got up and trotted towards the farm.
"Wait, we can't. Applejack said I can't dig there cuz it'd bother the tree seeds." Petunia frowned.
Applebloom stopped and looked back at Petunia. "Oh, come on. Who cares about apple trees when we could find somethin' that big?" Applebloom raised her eyebrow.
"Yeah, but I shouldn't dig on Applejack's farm if she doesn't want me to."
"Well, it ain't just her farm. We should ask mah brother too!"
"Eenope." Big Macintosh shook his head, then went back to piling up hay in the farmhouse.
"Come on, it'll just be a small hole. Ya could plant new seeds afterwards." Applebloom pleaded.
"Eenope." Big Macintosh repeated, still stacking up hay.
"But..."
"Eenope."
"Ugh, adults can be such a pain sometimes." Applebloom said, throwing up her hooves in frustration. "If Applejack didn't let ya dig, I'm sure Granny Smith wouldn't either." She was sitting on a pillow in her room, with Petunia sitting next to her.
"So what are we gonna do now?" Petunia said, her head hung low.
"Hmm... We can't go there now cuz somepony would probably see us go there and stop us." Applebloom tapped her chin with her hoof. She thought for a moment, then said "I know! Let's sneak onto the digging site after everypony's sleeping!"
"Should we really dig there if we don't have permission?"
"It's fine! They'll understand when we show em' the scepter! They're just bein' stubborn cause they won't believe us till we prove it to em'!"
"Well..." Petunia paused for a moment, then smiled. "Alright, let's do it!"
Applebloom paced around the entrance to the moonlit farm. The only sound was an owl hooting in the distance. It was long past the time Applebloom and Petunia had agreed to meet.
Tired of waiting, Applebloom went to Petunia's house to see if she was still there. The house was completely dark. Applebloom peeked inside each window. On the third window, Applebloom saw Petunia quietly sleeping in her room, on top of a small bed.
"Hey, Petunia! Over here!" Applebloom called out, just quiet enough that Petunia should hear her, without waking up her parents in the next room. However, there was no response.
"Come on! Wake up!" Applebloom raised her voice a little, then knocked on the window. Petunia shifted a little, but kept sleeping. Applebloom knocked a few more times, but nothing happened. She grunted in annoyance, then headed back home.
On the next morning, Applebloom woke up to somepony knocking on her door. She stretched, then got up from her bed. She hadn't quite woken up yet, making her steps unsteady. Applebloom yawned as she opened the door to her room.
"Good morning Applebloom! Did you sleep well?" Petunia said, full of energy.
"Not really. I was up till midnight, waiting for ya to show up." Applebloom said as she closed the door behind Petunia.
"Whoops, I'm real sorry about that." Petunia said as the two sat down on pillows. "I was gonna stay up late, but I fell asleep by accident. I usually go to bed super early."
"It's okay. Well, if ya can't stay up late, then that plan ain't gonna work. We can't go dig now, cause Applejack must be plantin' trees there. What else could we do?" Applebloom tapped her chin, considering possible plans.
"Oh, if only we were grown ups. Then everypony would take us seriously and let us dig there." Petunia said.
"Hmm..." Applebloom's expression brightened. "Hey, we could ask somepony else to convince Applejack for us!"
In the Ponyville castle's vast library, Twilight was sitting down with a thick book in front of her. Two eager fillies were flanking her. Twilight grunted at them, as she turned the page.
"...So will you help us?" Applebloom said, putting on her pleading expression.
Twilight turned her head towards Applebloom. "Oh, uh, I'm kind of busy at the moment. I'm helping the Apple family by researching the most efficient ways to fertilize their new plantation. It'll have to wait until later." Twilight said, turning back to her book.
"But we want to find the Scepter of Nature now! It's really important to Petunia!"
Twilight's eyes widened. "Did you say... The Scepter of Nature? The legendary earth pony artifact capable of shaping nature? Where? Where is it?!" Twilight pushed her nose right next to Applebloom.
Applebloom backed up slightly. "Uh, we don't know what it is, but Petunia knows where to find somethin' called that."
Twilight turned towards Petunia. "How would you know that? The scepter's been lost for many years!"
Petunia dug into her saddlebags. "Well... I read it about it here." Petunia said, taking the notebook in her mouth.
Twilight quickly grabbed the notebook, encasing it in her levitation magic. A smile widened on her face as she flipped through the pages.
"This is amazing! The sloppy handwriting, the events and the date they happened... It all matches what was written in "The Greatest Thief: A History of Blackhoof's Exploits!" Either this is an extremely convincing forgery, or it truly must be Blackhoof's journal!"
"I knew it was real!" Petunia smiled, hopping up and down.
"So could ya ask Applejack to let us dig out the scepter?" Applebloom asked.
"Well, if a major piece of history really is there, we should definitely return it to its rightful place! To Sweet Apple Acres!"
The three girls were outside the farmhouse, eagerly looking at Applejack as they awaited her answer.
"Hmm... It still sounds like an old mare's tale to me. But if Twilight really thinks it's true, then ya can check it out."
"Yay!" Applebloom and Petunia hoofbumped. "Thanks Applejack!" Applebloom said.
"Aww, it's nothin'. Just be careful not to disturb the soil more than ya have to." Applejack said.
"We won't! Do you wanna come with us?" Petunia asked.
"Well, now that I'm here, we should discuss the progress of our research along with Granny Smith. Would that be okay with you, Applejack?" Twilight said.
"Sure, Granny did want to ask you a few things. If you two need any help, just come see us, alright?" Applejack said.
"We will! Thanks again!" Said Applebloom as the fillies ran towards the apple trees.
Back at the clearing of the five trees, the ground was perfectly smooth. The hole from earlier had already been covered up. Eager to get back to work, Petunia dug out the shovel from her backpack, then began digging once more as Applebloom watched her from the side.
An hour later, the hole had gotten quite deep. Petunia continued to shovel dirt into a wooden bucket. When it was full, Applebloom pulled the bucket to the surface with a rope and emptied it on the growing dirt pile next to her. The hole grew and grew, yet they had found nothing but dirt so far.
"Are ya sure this is the right spot?" Applebloom yelled into the pit, the depth muffling her voice.
"It should be." Petunia yelled back. "The trees are at the top are just like Blackhoof wrote. He said it was buried real deep, we just gotta keep digging."
"Alright, let's keep going then." Applebloom said, as she pulled another bucket up.
Half an hour passed. Petunia was breathing heavily as she stuck the shovel on the ground yet again.
Petunia was expecting the shovel to go through the ground as usual, but the shovel got stuck halfway through. Confused, she pulled the shovel out and dug it in again. This time, she noticed a clanking sound as the shovel hit something.
Petunia gasped. "Applebloom, Applebloom! I found something!" She yelled while bouncing.
Applebloom excitedly peeked her head from the top of the hole. "Alright! Let's get it up here!"
A while later, the two had pulled a fairly small rectangular chest out of the hole. Petunia examined it from all sides. It was quite worn, with many scratches all around it. The fillies tried pulling it open, but the rusty padlock on the front prevented it from opening.
"How do we open it?" Applebloom asked.
"I dunno, the journal didn't say where the key is." Petunia said.
"Ugh, we're so close to getting scepter! Open, you stupid box!" Applebloom huffed, as she punched the lock with her hoof.
"Careful, you don't wanna damage whatever's inside!" Petunia said.
After a few more punches, Applebloom hit the lock with all her strength. Right when she was about to give up, the padlock gave away and dropped to the ground. The mouths of the two fillies opened wide.
"You did it, Applebloom! Way to go!" Petunia cheered.
"Oh, uh, just as planned!" Applebloom said. "Come on, open it! You're the archeologist, so you should have the honor!"
Petunia walked up to chest with wonder in her eyes. She slowly opened the chest. Inside the chest was a brown staff, with green vine decorations surrounding it. Petunia carefully took it out of the chest, laying it on the ground below. The large green diamond embedded on top of the staff sparkled in the sunlight.
"Wow, it's beautiful! Is this really the Scepter of Nature?" Applebloom asked, her eyes wide.
"It's gotta be! We really found it! Oh, thank you Applebloom! I couldn't have done it without you!" Petunia hugged Applebloom.
"Aww, it's nothin'." Applebloom hugged Petunia back. "Let's show this to the others! They're gonna be so impressed!"
Petunia took the scepter in her mouth. It tasted surprisingly pleasant, soft and warm.
The fillies had only taken a few steps when they heard a deep voice behind them. "Where do you think you're going, dirty little thieves? You're not taking my scepter anywhere!" The voice growled.
The fillies froze for a moment, then turned around. Near the dig site was a large black earth pony. Below his bright yellow mane was an an eyepatch and a beard. His cutie mark was a pile of gold.
"Wh- who are you?" Applebloom asked. She did her best to maintain a neutral expression, while Petunia trembled next to her.
"Me? I'm Blackhoof, the greatest treasure hunter in the world! I'm sure you've heard of me, I'm famous all across Equestria!" Blackhoof proudly raised his nose.
"What? Shouldn't you be in prison?" Applebloom asked.
"As if a prison could hold me down! All it took was a bit of planning, and now I'm as free as I deserve to be, once again."
"A bit? Weren't you in prison for like five years?" Applebloom raised her eyebrow.
"That's beside the point." Blackhoof said quickly. "Now, give me the scepter!" Blackhoof lunged towards Petunia.
"Run!" Applebloom said as she pushed Petunia. Blackhoof hit the ground where Petunia had been. Petunia quickly recovered, then ran towards the farm with Applebloom. Blackhoof shook his head, got up and chased the fillies.
The girls ran as fast as they could, trying to lose Blackhoof among the large trees all around them. They had gotten a head start, but Blackhoof was quickly catching up to them, thanks to his much larger hooves.
"We gotta lose him somehow! Come on Petunia, keep at it!" Applebloom said inbetween her deep breathing.
Petunia's heart beat faster than ever before. She gathered all her willpower, determined to escape.
Suddenly, the diamond on top of the scepter began to glow. It became hotter, as Petunia felt a surge of strength inside her. She wished Blackhoof would stop chasing them.
The earth rumbled as it rose, forming a wall in front of Blackhoof. He tried to stop, but couldn't make it in time and ran into the wall. He fell down on the ground, stunned for a moment.
The fillies continued to run. Petunia thought she'd lost Blackhoof for a moment, but as she looked back, he was running behind her again. Petunia swallowed, then gathered up her courage.
The diamond glowed again. The earth ravaged as it split open, forming pits everywhere ahead of Blackhoof.
Blackhoof stopped for a moment, considering his options. Soon he began to ran again, jumping over the small holes and going around the large ones. He couldn't chase as fast as before, yet he was still keeping up with the fillies.
The girls were running out of breath, but kept going as fast as possible. The once bright diamond dulled, as the scepter began to grew colder. The rumbling of the earth slowed down. The diamond stopped glowing and the earth stood still.
Now unhindered by obstructions, Blackhoof had almost caught up to the fillies. Petunia focused, but the scepter no longer responded.
The last of the trees were in sight. In the distance was the familiar sight of the farmhouse. The girl's speed was slowing down, as they had almost ran out of breath. Right when they were about to run out of energy, they reached the open area past the trees.
At the farmhouse, Twilight and Applejack were deep in discussion. Applejack glanced at the apple trees, then did a double take when she thought she saw something move. After squinting her eyes, she spotted Petunia and Applebloom just as they collapsed on the ground.
Blackhoof reached the end of the apple trees. He was about to leap to the sceptre and grab it, when he spotted a purple alicorn flying towards him. He cursed under his breath, then ran in the other direction before the princess could spot him.
A few days later, Applebloom and Petunia were sitting in Applebloom's room. In front of them was the day's newspaper. The front page headline was "Brave Fillies Recovered the Scepter of Nature" Underneath it was a large picture of Petunia and Applebloom with a huge smile on their face.
"I can't believe it! We're famous!" Petunia said, grinning at Applebloom.
"Yeah! This is so cool!" Applebloom grinned back at Petunia.
"Hey, it was real nice having you help me out. You wanna help me look for more treasure?"
"Sure! We can be a treasure hunter duo! This is gonna be so much fun!"
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That was cute
I see that you are a completely new author here. And the first fic you could think of is for Petunia Paleo, an underappreciated background pony! This is quite impressive and unexpected, considering how little attention Petunia gets from the fandom. And I'm glad you did, because Petunia Paleo really needs a lot more stories.
I have some feedback about this story for you:
First off, if this is your first attempt at writing a story, then this is very good already! And even if you have written something before, but this is your first attempt at writing a MLP: FiM fic, then this is still very good for the first time, cause you nailed the personalities of Petunia, Applejack and Twilight incredibly well! You're definitely off to a great start here!
A few points of criticism I want to address, though:
Applebloom, as the only one in this fic, is a bit out-of-character. You managed to convey her excitement and her interest in adventures, but at the beginning when Petunia tells her about a treasure on Sweet Apple Acres, Applebloom is convinced a little bit too quickly. Applebloom is a bit more sceptical than that, so she should have expressed doubt over it that there's a treasure buried on Sweet Apple Acres at first and Petunia should have had it harder to convince Applebloom. Going over Applebloom's dialogues would make this fic a great deal better.
Blackhoof's sudden arrival catches you off-guard, which is good, as that is what a plottwist is supposed to do. It does come a bit too out of nowhere, though. This plottwist would have benefitted from a tiny amount of build-up, just enough to not give away that he will return, like, Petunia and Applebloom finding signs that somepony else was digging on Sweet Apple Acres.
Finally, what especially caught my attention, is that you have a tendency to repeat words and phrases. I picked out this example to illustrate what I mean:
Here, you have used the word "shovel" five times, in only four sentences. The problem with using the same word so often is that it starts to feel repetitive, which is mind-numbing to readers if they have to read that word so often. Try reading through this paragraph and to put yourself into the shoes of a reader, then you will see what I mean.
You also use "Petunia" twice to start two consecutive sentences, which isn't as bad as with the word "shovel, but it still feels unnecessary, since you already established in the sentence before that Petunia is doing something there. As a rule of thumb to avoid things like that, start every sentence with a different word than the sentence before. This could be hard at first, but it will help you to not write repeats like this and others and to bring more variety into your writing.
Another important thing is to find creative ways to prescribe something, like the shovel here. Here's a way how you could have written this paragraph instead:
Now, the word "shovel" has been reduced to only two mentions; as I replaced the word with "it" and "blade" in the second sentence and by leaving out the shovel entirely in the last sentence. I also brought two sentences between my two uses of Petunia's name and put her name at a different position in the sentence than the beginning of it when I used it the second time.
That way, the paragraph reads a lot smoother and more varied, as opposed to repetitious.
Aside from this critique, you also did some things very good here, in a way I wouldn't have expected from an author who releases his first fic here. As I already said, Petunia's characterization here is spot-on and, while I can't quite explain why, her hesitation to go digging in the orchards without permission somehow suits her very well. It shows that you have spent time with her to get her personality right for this fic.
It was also very interesting how you let Applebloom wait so long at Sweet Apple Acres for Petunia to arrive, only to discover that Petunia had been fallen asleep because she didn't manage to stay up that long. This was a small, but unexpected, twist that I didn't see coming and it's such developments that motivate your readers to read on.
You already have two things that a good author needs; the ability to analyze a character in order to get their personality right and a sense for the unexpected to lead your readers into directions they didn't know they 're walking on. Especially the latter is very important to keep readers engaged with your story.
There is very great potential in you and I hope you will continue to write pony fics. Here's an upvote and a follow and I'm excited what other fics you will bring to the table here!
A really cute story, we need more stories with Petunia
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Thanks!
8594650
I appreciate the detailed feedback. I wasn't expecting it at all.
I'm mostly new to writing fiction. I've only written a few short stories before.
I suppose you have a point about Applebloom. She does accept it easily, although I didn't think that was clearly out of character for her. She's a hard character for me to write well, even though I really like her.
Blackhoof's appearance is sudden, but I wanted it to be surprising. If I foreshadowed it too much, it would've been too predictable that he'd appear. It probably could've used more build up, though.
I know my writing is repetitive sometimes. I try to vary it if I notice myself repeating the same words or sentence structure too much, but I completely missed that shovel paragraph.
I wasn't sure how to write Petunia since she has so little screen time, so I'm glad you thought she was in character.
Thanks for all the praise. I'll probably write more fics later.
8595787
You're welcome!
8595787
I was reckoning with this, since your fic has only gotten very little views so far. I have another advice here that I forgot to mention in the other comment.
When I read the description, I noticed how it is written in a way that kind of requires from the reader to have a previous knowledge of what the Scepter of Nature is exactly. This is something that could make readers turn away from the fic already, as it gives them the feeling there's something they didn't get told about.
The description is also very short and doesn't give the reader much ideas what the fic is about. One-sentence descriptions read rather boring and basic and are generally not very suited to encourage readers to check out a story.
A good description gives a bit more details about the story, tells the reader things that are intriguing and bring up questions in them, but without giving away too much, so they start reading the fic to find answers on their questions.
If you need help with writing a good description for your next fic(s), feel free to send me a message!
I am going to extend the same offer here, if you need help with writing Applebloom right, send me a message. She is one of the ponies I understand the best and the most, so I can be of assistance with characterizing her right.
I generally advice against intentional foreshadowing, as it can end up spoiling later events if not done right and because it always limits the impact a plottwist has on the reader.
But it can be helpful for a story to give little, ambigious hints that can mean various things and make the reader speculate, as this increases the suspence of a story greatly.
Another strategy is to intentionally write misleading things, that still make sense for the actual plottwist in hindsight, to lure the readers on a wrong track. It is something I did quite successfully in one of my fics once, if you want to read it to see how that can be pulled off, I can provide you with the link.
Coming up with enough vocabulary and creative phrases to make the sentences of a story truly varied can be challenging, but it is something that will get better the more you write. Aside from the advice I gave you to try starting each sentence with a different word, reading fics by other authors can also help a lot with that. The latter is also generally advised to become an expert author, you can only get better if you read stuff.
Overall, it is something that gets better with practice, so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work right away or if it takes a while to learn it!
Characters with little screentime are actually easier to write, because due to the fact we only see them for a very short time, we also see less aspects of their personality. This means there is less to pay attention to and less to analyze and a lot of things that can be added to their personality in a fic.
Still, getting a character right the first time isn't granted and you even expanded on her personality in a very fitting way. You did a great job there!
You're welcome and I look forward to what you're doing! If anything, we could especially need more fics about Petunia, as well as other new background ponies. Don't be hesitant with directing questions to me. I'm still learning myself, but there are a few things I can lend a hoof with.
8595972
Thanks again. It's very kind of you to help me so much. I'll message you if I need help with my fics.
8596242
You're welcome, keep doing your best!
8597568
Thanks! I appreciate the feedback.
Pacing is something I could improve on. It's hard for me to tell what the best amount of detail is to include. I think people are more likely to enjoy a story that's too fast paced than one that's too slow, so I tend to include less detail.