Twilight Sparkle wakes up to find herself trapped in a surreal, claustrophobic prison. Stuck in a dull, grey room in the shape of a cube, with no doors or windows. The room is completely bare, with nothing in it except Twilight herself. Where is she? Where are her friends? Why is she here? How did she get here? Why isn't her magic working? What's causing that creepy noise, and is there any hope of escape?
This story now has a Dramatic Reading read by yours truly.
Note: This story is rated Teen for thematic elements, and for being very emotionally intense.
Chapters (1)
This was a pretty good story! There were some problems, but they were the kind that are quite common in beginning writers. Some moments felt a bit contrived (Twilight only remembering her horn after a little while, etc.), but things like that disappear with practice. The ending was a bit underwhelming. It was vague, which is good, but it might have been a little too vague. The reader is left with no clue as to what happened... it's generally good to leave some foreshadowing. We also have no idea who this villain was; and so there was no way you could have created a twist ending. It just felt a bit inconclusive.
Otherwise, though, this was well done! I look forward to seeing more from you.
8574499
Thanks for your polite but constructive feedback. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the story despite obviously being a new writer, and I appreciate your understanding. You made a very great point on the ending. My intention was to leave the ending up to the reader's interpretation, but hearing that you understood that was the point but still felt like I went a bit far and would have appreciated a bit more foreshadowing are tips that I can certainly utilise for my next Fimfiction. I found your feedback very helpful and I'm glad to hear you still enjoyed the story.
8574514
No problem! You seem to have a lot of potential, and I am excited to see more from you.
8574527
That's great to hear, because my second Fimfiction 'The Following' is already in the works.
WTF is that thing?
8574838
Thank you so much for enjoying the story. I'm glad you thoroughly enjoyed it despite being my first story. I saw you even added to your favourites, which is such an honour, so I'm glad to hear you loved it. I also highly appreciate the constructive feedback, most of which I did take into account while I was writing it.
You would be right in terms of how I meant the word 'prison' since I myself didn't see it as a traditional prison, but I still thought it was fitting considering it had a similar vibe as a prison, and since Twilight was still being held captive.
Also, you make a great point with the room being pitch-black, and I completely agree with you, which is why I had it start off so it was pitch black. I did want her to see the walls of the room eventually, and since the room did prohibit magic as you picked up, I felt like eyes adjusting was the most plausible reason, even if I had to bend the rules a little bit. Even I will admit that even if your eyes were to adjust in a room like that, I guarantee you that your eyes wouldn't adjust anywhere near as quickly as Twilight's did in the beginning of the story. So yeah, I kind of had to bend the rules slightly but thanks for pointing that out. Also, what you pointed out in terms of something you liked about the room prohibiting magic was the exact reason I implemented it in the first place. Knowing how frequently she teleports in the show, if still had her magic the entire story most people would probably just ask 'Why don't you just teleport?' so I wanted to find a to address it to avoid that plot hole.
Overall, I appreciate your polite but constructive feedback. Most of it is stuff I considered while writing it but I can definitely use your feedback to help improve for my future stories. I'm glad you were still able to really enjoy my story despite the flaws and being my first story, so I'm glad to hear you still loved it.
that made my heart race. I'll give you props on first story, hope to see more from you!
8575071
Thanks a lot. I'm really glad to hear that you really liked it and I'm very pleased to hear the story affected you that much. You'll definitely be seeing more from me in the future.
8575528
That's great to hear.
Cool. I'm writing a similar story where Twilight is Trapped in a Maze and needs to find her way out