- Member Since 29th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen January 26th
Nicole Sunstone
Heehee! Hi! I'm just your ordinary mare who enjoys a good story or two~ Mostly I write stories for my lovely Feather Dancer, but sometimes I'm willing to share with you guys. ;)
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The idea is interesting, but the story could be developed a lot more. In general, a better build up to the changes, more exploration on how the characters are feeling, and maybe some sense of how Vinyl is actually feeling about the whole thing. Some of what happens is brought up and moved past so quickly, it doesn't really let the reader get time to process and get an emotional investment into it. The transition from the pool showers to Vinyl having sex in her room is jarring and unnecessary, which could benefit from maybe having the two touch and tease each other on the way up (though not too overtly. Less breasts and crotch, more outer thighs, hips and maybe the small of the back just above the butt cheeks), and the actual start of sex when they arrive instead of half-way through.
As for the end, it's very abrupt. It just sort of suddenly ends. There seems to be a lot of build-up, but there's no pay off. We don't know what kind of fall out there's going to be, how Octavia is going to react to everything once they are alone, or how Vinyl will feel about her behavior once she's back to normal (assuming she ever is). We also have no idea what drove Vinyl to do what she did at the show.
Over all, it's kind of disappointing and doesn't really have much of a payoff.
I will give one bit of praise. I do like the idea of Vinyl having tinnitus, and basically having music or some sort of noise to cover the sound of the metallic ringing she would constantly hear otherwise.
I'm not sure what I just read