Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: The answer is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.
Moon Dancer is tired.
She's tired of giving friendship another chance.
She's tired of listening to Twilight's excuses for them to get back together.
She just wants to stay in her own house, do her own research, to simply live in peace.
But of course, that doesn't happen.
Brilliant artwork by flamevulture17!
Related to this story, but not a direct sequel. Not necessary to read, but recommended.
I suggest reading this blogpost for information on how the stories relate to each other.
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Hmm... interesting and mysterious beginning, if a little confusing at times. Even if you don't use names, it's mostly clear what's going on and you pay nice attention to details in descriptions. My biggest problem here is the scene in the café after Spike had entered. I have no idea what happened here, how long it took or why did everypony fall asleep
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Thank you!
I didn't use names because I didn't think it seemed right this chapter. Still, it's kinda obvious who is who anyway.
Hmmm, I think you're right about the café scene. I might need to extend that a bit.
Or maybe not. *Mystery*
8459410
You're welcome.
It was kind of unusual, but indeed clear to tell.
Mystery, huh? Well, I'll keep reading to see where this leads.
Hmm, seems like Nightmare Moon has just found a possible host. I also wonder what is it with this Batholomew guy. And what is reality...
I really enjoyed the parts with Canterlot and night and the dream sequence, nothing to point out there
The beginning of the talk with AJ was a little hard to follow though.
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The real question should be, Who was having that dream?
There's more than one suspect in all mystery cases, after all.
Maybe check a parallel universe for the answers, who knows what you may find.
8466779
Ah, sneaky
Seems interesting, I’ll give it a look at some point.
Detemmienation?
Interesting revelations... and more questions
Great! Also, very nicely executed action!
Huh, wow! I have to say, this was by far one of the most interesting reads I've had so far.
I've only read through the prologue and chapter one, as those are the most important parts of your story. It's absolutely essential that you hook your readers and engage them for more (as you likely know).
Spoilers ahead.
So, your prologue opens up with a dialogue between two ponies. Or people. Or... things. It's not quite clear, as there are no tags involved, and no information given besides their text. There is no scene. There are no characters. All we have is the conversation. Now, this can go one of two ways: a) it can immediately hook in the reader with this unique, and exotic intro, or b) it can confuse and immediately turn off the reader from reading more.
I was caught somewhere in the middle. It was definitely intriguing and interesting and unique. The emotions, the tones, and the theme all radiated your dark, moody writing style, gave the story a real personality and voice. You didn't give us anything but the dialogue, and at the same time, I had a very clear picture of what was unfolding. I imagined black and white, or pen sketches like you'd find in a novel. I imagined two middle-aged ponies, both stallions, arguing with each other. They had distinct, smart personalities, akin to scientists or professors. I imagined a bit of age in the scene, like it was from the 1900s. I imagined they were smoking pipes and had black top hats.
All of this was just from the dialogue. The more incredible part, nearly all of this was from me. You gave us a blank canvas, and allowed us, the reader, to paint our own image of what's happening. Strictly going off that, it was absolutely brilliant. You conveyed so much meaning, so many details and smells and sights and sensations, by literally giving us none of them. I'm actually rather blown away.
That said, I'd be lying if I wasn't mixed about it either. It's very hard for me to put it to words, but something feels quite off about that scene. Something not in a good way. Something about the font, the italics, perhaps the way "She" is capitalized (when it clearly should not :P) is driving me up the wall. Maybe it's because it's so unique, it's turning me off because so much has been changed. I wish I could better explain it to you. Perhaps it's just an introduction that'll appeal some people, but disinterest and bore others. There's an element of confusion that works against you instead of for you here. Not the fun kind of, "Ooh, I wonder what's going to happen?" instead the deathly, "Wait, what's happening? Who's speaking? Why is the writer using such a weird style?" I suppose that's the best I can describe it as.
I love it, and I hate it. The only way I feel I can appease the 'hate it' side is by restructuring your dialogue into a traditional scene. Establishing a setting. Introducing the two characters, while keeping their identity a secret. Giving us more information, like a detective in a crime scene. Perhaps it's the frustration of being given so little information, so that the rest feels like it's being dangled above our noses. The human brain wants to complete things. It wants to solve mysteries. But mysteries done wrong, either by not making sense, or not giving enough information for the brain to begin fitting the pieces in, can come off as frustrating and upsetting.
The only problem is, if you do restructure it as a traditional scene, you lose out on that great experience of filling in the blanks, like the white canvas I talked about before. There might be a way to achieve that white canvas feeling while also feeling fair and frustration-free. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do it. It's something I'll have to research and try for myself.
So yes. The opening lines of the prologue is a hypocrisy in my mind. It's absolutely brilliant and amazing. But it's also frustrating and anger-inducing in a bad way.
Moving on from that. Your writing style also shares a lot of this "love-it, hate-it" personality. Sometimes, you nail the perfect balance between detail and brevity, painting an absolutely amazing scene while also staying short and concise for the reader. Other times, you paint too much and openly declare subtext that was powerful and breathtaking on it's own. Many times it's always in the middle, straddling too much and too little while appeasing none of the sides. I'm so sad I'm split, because this writing is so good, and I know it's good! You're an incredible writer, and this is an incredible piece of art. It's why I'm so upset that I'm so mixed about it.
Take these lines right here. I absolutely love these lines. They paint such a clear image in my mind about what's going on, and the emotions in this scene. You weave subtext and imply meanings everywhere. It's such a masterful piece of work.
Granted, you could pull back your italic usage, and remove "a frightening glare". "snaps" already gives a very clear, very scary image of this woman. You strengthen this scary image with the clear lines on her smoky face. Absolutely incredible.
The very following line however:
So close! You were so close! You don't need to tell us "with a guilty tone". We could feel it! We could hear it in her voice! Her mumble! You are incredible at knowing when to be brief and when to add detail, but this wasn't it!
I think this is why I feel so "love it, hate it" about your writing style. You obviously know what you're doing, and you have a great talent with words. You demonstrate it with lines like the smokey, tear-streaked face. It's just so sad when they're followed up with lines like that, where you're telling the reader emotions and subtext that we could already feel heavy in our hearts. And sadly, when emotions and subtext is brought to light by the writer, it lessens the impact a lot. It turns the eureka moment of, "Oh my gosh. She's feeling guilty," to "Well duh, she's feeling guilty. I know that." You have an incredible mini-plot twist here, a great moment to hook, line, and sinker the reader's attention, but you just barely missed it.
You win back an incredible scene with the plot twist of her friend rejecting her apology. That's something we almost never see in the show, and sets the framework for the rest of the story. It's dark. It's emotional. But most of all, it's real. This hits hard with reality like I haven't seen many stories do. At least not in the same way. Opening with this rejection of friendship, of remorse, is absolutely incredible, and I do have to applaud you on that.
Here are some more lines I felt gave away too much subtext, was repetitive or detracted from the reader's eureka.
We could surmise from the exchange that the two were friends. It was a part of the fun mystery that was there. Instead, you could've said, "when she knocked upon the door" or "approached the door with hope" even.
Well, of course a reply answers her. That's what a reply is. A stronger sentence would be "It didn't take long for a reply."
As cute as "auto-piloting state" is, it's also unnecessary as you told us earlier she was wandering about. Stronger sentence would be, "... see where her body has taken her."
We could tell she's overcome by the questions, via the subtext and the earlier sentences.
So ironically, you potentially gave too little information in the opening lines, then flooded your text with too much in the rest of the story. In my opinion, the next step to strengthen your writing would be a harsher filter on unnecessary words and phrases. Especially keep your eye out for when you give away subtext. Some lines like "hung her head in shame" are okay, while others can come off repetitive, redundant, and even annoying. There's a Writer's Digest blog that covers this exact topic. I highly recommend taking at least a look at it.
However, despite all my criticism, I want to leave this disclaimer here: writing style is EXTREMELY subjective. It's completely up to you how you want to write your story. Everyone has a different style, and that's completely okay. Just because I'm hammering you with all this does NOT mean I'm asking you to change it. This is simply my opinion, from my perspective. If you try my suggestions and you like the changes, then by all means go for it. If you'd rather not, that's totally okay too. I'd rather you have the option and the knowledge however than saying it's just "okay".
Moving on from writing style, everything else is incredibly strong. Your grammar is tip-top, your conflict and characters incredibly strong. I've mentioned your very engaging (if not frustrating as well) opening lines, and the emotions in this story are absolutely incredible. Seriously. Some of the best heartfelt stuff I've seen in a long, long while. I hope to learn and pick up some of the tactics you've used here. That tear-streaked, ashen face is so, so memorable.
One last side thing. It's less a criticism than pointing something out. You tend to switch scenes a lot which isn't a bad thing by itself. It's rather jarring to be tossed from one scene to the next like a drive-by skit. I'm sure your later chapters don't have this as much. I just wanted to point that out.
Tl; dr: Incredibly engaging (but frustrating) opening lines, incredible conflict, wonderful characters, and some of the best emotions I've read in a fan fiction ever. Much of the subtext is given away however, and redundant lines and phrases hinders it from reaching its max potential. Very enjoyable read however. Will be tuned in for more.
Thanks for the read!
8500704
First of all, thank you for taking the time to leave a review. It's really helpful for authors to receive feedback allowing them to improve their work. This is especially more-so important when said authors aren't purely writing for entertainment.
But I'm sure you know that anyway.
Regardless, I see some of the flaws you are mentioning. Namely, being redundant by including the emotions a character was feeling. I'll keep this in mind when writing future chapters, and also revising the chapters already written. I believe the problem I had in writing the prologue was in the excessive non-traditional description I frequently use for all of my stories. Spending over a few months on-and-off on the piece also did poorly in refining it, now that I look back on it.
Also, I'm glad that the description was able to evoke such emotions from you.
Needless to say, the later chapters probably don't contain that 'magic' of emotional writing as they were simply one-day written and published, with nary a glance for editing - save for generic spelling and punctuation. Perhaps when I get the chance I shall go over them in revision, but I'll focus on writing new chapters which are more refined at the current moment (and also to stick to my schedule).
As for the 'mysterious' dialogue, I'll have to disagree with your thoughts on it. However, since I cannot judge its ease of understanding without being biased myself, I'll just say that this writing style is far and few between through the overall story.
I can't really comment on the scenic breaks; they would vary depending on the chapter I will be writing. Though I'll take your feedback into consideration.
Your comment on writing styles is making me want to write a blog post about it. Hmmmm...
Again, thank you for the review and feedback.
Here, have a pony!
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Of course! I know writers put in a lot of time and hard work into writing their stories. The least I could do is spend some time on my responses to them.
Awesome! I'm glad it's helping you improve your work. I do have to stress, writing style is INCREDIBLY subjective. Just because it's different and just because I criticized a lot on it doesn't make it wrong or bad in any way. Think of it more as a conversation starter and a nice dialogue with not only you, but myself, about writing. Breaking down stories and analyzing them to their key roots really is the foundation of learning. If we're not eager to try new things and change, we'll never improve.
Aww, that's a shame to hear! I'd go through it myself, but I have a handful of stories I want to review. I have it bookmarked though, so I'll definitely come over and read when I get the chance. It's an incredible piece of work, so despite it being awesome that you're willing to revise it, just know it's really good as is.
Yeah. The scene breaks are more inevitable if you have ponies moving around. The only way to mediate it is by reworking scene structure and condensing the amount of breaking going on. It's either that, or continue a scene despite the setting vastly changing. That works okay. Better than constantly jarring the reader and breaking, I think. But it's more a side note than me asking for change.
Hey, go for it man! Even if the blog is disorganized or is controversial, you're opening the door for others to share and foster their opinions. At the very least, it's practice writing blogs. :P
Thanks! And thanks for the read!
Well, that event at the beginning was surely unexpected. And the one at the ending, more or less as well. This is getting more tangled with each chapter
Nice!